FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

The feeling of unease was still in my stomach when we arrived back.

I climbed out of the car with Thomas and followed everyone to the front door.

"I'll put the kettle on," Aunt Ruth announced.

"I just thought, did Malcolm ever help you with the trellis?" mum asked.

"We haven't done it yet," Aunt Ruth replied as we all stepped inside. "Malcolm has been busy with his friends."

"Oh Malcolm!" my mum said in a teasing voice.

I smiled nervously as we walked into the kitchen and Aunt Ruth put the kettle on. Thomas sat down and I gingerly took the seat beside him.

"Thomas, could you get the biscuits out for me?" Aunt Ruth asked. "Would everyone like tea or coffee?"

Thomas sighed and stood up.

"I'll have tea," my mum said.

"Same here," I added.

Aunt Ruth placed tea bags into a pot and boiled the kettle whilst a reluctant looking Thomas retrieved the biscuits.

"Make sure you email me your flight details," mum said as Aunt Ruth set out the cups.

"I shall," I replied.

How come I come out here? This is impossible.

_ _ Aunt Ruth placed the tea pot on the table and sat down.

"Oh, I meant to say a parcel turned up for you this morning," Aunt Ruth said.

Good, my new swimsuit must have arrived! That's something at least.

_ _ "What did you order?" mum asked.

"Some clothes," I replied in a neutral tone.

"Didn't you say you'd ordered something new?" Aunt Ruth asked my mum. "Was it a dress?"

"For a second I thought you'd asked Malcolm if he was getting a dress," Thomas said, and everyone laughed.

I chuckled nervously while keeping my eyes on the floor.

"I can't understand being a woman, and talking about dresses like that," Thomas sighed.

"It's a mother thing," my mum laughed. "As for the dress I bought if for..."

I tuned out as my mum turned to Aunt Ruth. I wished I was discussing swimwear with Lachlan, but thinking of the fox made me feel apprehensive about telling my mum again. I wondered what Hudson would do.

Probably make a bad joke and horrify everyone.

That was certainly a bad idea.

I glanced up and realised everyone was looking at me.

"Uh, what did I miss?" I asked sheepishly.

"I was asking if you'd gotten currency out for your trip?" my mum asked.

"Uh, yeah I did," I said, trying not to make it obvious I was lying.

In reality Lachlan was going to take care of all of that, but I thought it would seem weird from my mother's perspective.

"That's good, and have you got all your packing done?"

"I have," I replied. "Mostly."

"Good, and remember to text me when you arrive."

"I will."

"Mum, are you going to ask me all these questions when I go to Cornwall?" Thomas asked Aunt Ruth.

"Yes," Aunt Ruth laughed as she poured the tea.

"I wish it was like when you two were talking about hitch-hiking, when you could just go off and not face questions," Thomas sighed.

I wish it was the same.

_ _ "You'll understand when you have pups of your own," my mum replied.

We sipped our tea in silence for the next few minutes. Inside, I was desperately thinking of how I could tell my mum in secret without Aunt Ruth and Thomas in the background, but my options were very limited. I sighed inwardly as I dipped a chocolate digestive into my tea and nibbled at it.

"I ought to get going soon," my mum sighed.

She sipped the last of her tea before getting to her hind-paws. My heart sunk.

"Do come by again soon," Aunt Ruth said, also standing up.

"It's my turn to have you next," mum replied.

I stood to give her a hug, but inside I was still feeling numb.

"I'll send you the flight details," I said, although I was aware of how flat my voice sounded.

"That would be great," mum replied. "Are you feeling all right, you're not at all nervous about going?"

"Not at all," I smiled nervously, forcing a wag out of my tail.

"Good. I'm sure you'll have fun."

I followed her and Aunt Ruth to the front door.

"Bye!" I called, giving her a wave.

My mum waved back before walking to her car. I watched her settle into the driver's seat before I closed the front door.

Aunt Ruth and Thomas were back in the kitchen. I could see Thomas' ears had drooped as he had been put to work washing the tea cups in the sink

"I'm going to send my mum the flight details," I announced.

"Okay!" Aunt Ruth replied.

I hurried upstairs and sat down at my desk. My computer had gone to sleep, so I pulled my phone out as I waited for it to boot up. I noticed I'd missed a call from Hudson and Lachlan had messaged me.

My dear Shep, how did lunch go? I hope you're okay, please tell me about it. Your fox xx

I thumbed my phone and wondered whether to respond to either of them. Instead, I put my phone down and decided they could wait until I was on the other side.

I opened my emails and found the flight details. My heart was pounding in my chest as I began writing a message out to my mum.

Hi Mum,

_ It was nice to see you today._

_ Here are the details of my flight to Italy._

_ _ How the hell was I going to phrase this? I couldn't exactly write by the way I'm gay. My heart kept beating as I flexed my fingers and continued writing.

Sorry I've been a bad son and not responded to your emails before.

_ _ No, that's too melodramatic. I deleted that line and continued on.

There was something I meant to tell you at lunch today, but I wanted to let you know in private. I'm sorry I am doing this over email, I should have done it with you in person. I don't know how to phrase this, but I think I'm into guys.

I stopped typing. Saying I think was probably not a good idea. I needed to sound confident and certain. The more I thought about it, the more I realised doing it via an email was a terrible idea.

I took a deep breath, deleted all of the text and sent the flight details off on their own.

Aunt Ruth and Thomas were starting to make dinner downstairs, but I was still full from lunch.

Instead, I sat and waited for acknowledgement from my mother that she had received the email. I felt guilty not replying to Lachlan, so I texted him a message.

My dear fox, I haven't done the deed yet. I'll let you know what happens. Your Shep xx

_ _ My phone buzzed a minute later.

My dear Shep, that's okay. Let me know what happens xx

_ _ There was a knock at the door and I almost jumped out of my fur.

_ _ "Malcolm, are you having dinner with us?" Thomas called.

"Um, no thanks. I'm still full!" I replied.

"Okay, suit yourself!"

I listened to the sound of Thomas making his way back down the stairs.

I sat in my chair and swivelled around on the spot as I wondered how to pass the time. I tried putting some music on, but my playlist randomly selected One Love. I sighed and clicked something else. Although it was a nice track I couldn't quite shake the association it had with Adam.

Music wasn't proving to be a distraction, so I opened Amazon Prime and browsed through what was available.

I was half-way through a futuristic sci-fi/detective movie about an Alsatian trying to solve a murder on a mars rocket base when my computer made a ping sound. My ears stood up. I minimised the movie to see an email had come in from my mum.

Hi Malcolm,

_ Thank you for your email. Hope you have a good time!!!_

_ Love,_

_ Mum x_

_ _ That meant mum was home. I took a deep breath and pressed her contact number. The tone rang a couple of times before she answered.

"Hello Malcolm!" she said, sounding surprised.

"Um, hi mum, I thought I'd call to see how the drive home went," I replied.

Fuck, how do I do this?

_ _ "Oh, that's very nice of you," mum chuckled. "Well, the traffic wasn't too bad. I've just walked through the door and checked the computer."

"That's good, I wanted to speak to you again before I go tomorrow," I said.

Just do it!

_ _ "Well, that's kind."

"Um, mum there was something I meant to say when you were here, but I didn't get a chance," I said carefully. I hoped my mum would say something to prompt me, but she remained silent. "I hoped I could do this in person, but I didn't want anyone else hearing for now."

"What's wrong? Have you been expelled from uni?" mum asked.

"No, not at all, I wanted to say that I'm not really into girls. Um, I'm gay."

My immediate thought was that I'd phrased it too bluntly, but my heart was beating too fast for me to care.

There was another moment of silence.

I could hear myself breathing down the line as my heart continued to pound.

"Well, I had kind of suspected you might be," my mum eventually said.

"Really?" I blurted out.

"All of your school friends had girlfriends and you didn't seem the least bit interested," my mum began saying in an unreadable tone. "And then you started mentioning you were going away with a male friend of yours today."

Yup, she clicked that part already.

_ _ "And that got me wondering," my mum finished.

"Oh," I said, not feeling sure of what else to say. "So, is this bad?"

"It's not bad, I just need to process this, but I'm not angry," my mum said. "Please believe that."

"I do," I replied.

"I guess when you suspect something, and it turns out to be true it still comes as a surprise and you need to let it sink in," my mum chuckled, although her laugh sounded more nervous than mirthful.

"I'm still the same person," I insisted. "Nothing about me has changed at all."

"No, no, I don't think that," my mum said. "Just please don't tell anyone else yet, I don't want my friends coming up and saying is Malcolm gay?"

"Of course I wouldn't do that!" I replied, feeling a little indignant. "I don't want people gossiping about me."

And besides, I'd already told Hudson and Charlotte, but my mum didn't know them.

"Okay, well, we'll keep it quiet for now and then tell everyone when the time is right," my mum said.

"It's fine," I claimed, although inside I was still mildly irritated.

"I hope I can meet your friend soon," my mum continued. "What was his name and species again?"

"He's a fox called Lachlan," I explained.

"What does he do, study history?"

"Kind of," I replied carefully.

"What does he look like?"

"Athletic, muscular, handsome," I said, trying to process the fact I was relaying this information to my mum.

"I'd like to meet him soon," mum repeated. "I want to make sure he's nice."

"He is nice," I insisted.

"Maybe you could Skype me when you get to Italy so I know you are safe," my mum said. "I'd like to say hello to him via Skype."

"Okay," I replied, feeling a little apprehensive at the idea.

"And please remember to message me when you get to the airport," she said firmly.

"I will," I said. "Mum, are you all right?"

"I'm fine," my mum replied. "I probably need to sit down though after driving all day and eating a substantial lunch. Anyway, I'd best leave you to do some packing, knowing about when we went away on holiday you left it 'till the last minute," she added with another nervous laugh.

"I've got most of it done," I chuckled, although inside I felt uncertain. There didn't seem to be any disappointment in her voice, but she didn't sound relaxed either. "Are you sure you're fine?"

"Yes, look Malcolm, you are my son and I love you unconditionally. This doesn't change anything. I do just need some time to reflect, but thank you for being honest. I'm grateful that you've told me," my mum said, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was still coming down from the surprise, but not mad at least. "It's just that since your father left, and now your brother doesn't speak to us I have to get used to the fact you're not around either," she continued. "When you had all those horrible accidents and illnesses, the thought of you leaving was an upsetting idea at first. I wanted you to live with my sister as I was worried something else would happen, and that was the closest I could have you to living at home. That was probably a mistake, I should have let you spread your wings and be free."

"You haven't done anything wrong mum, you were trying to look out for me," I replied.

And I wouldn't have met Lachlan either.

"But I'm glad you're having fun at university. You're becoming a grown man now, going off on holiday and having your own social life."

I wasn't sure what to say. This was the first time since I'd had the car accident that my mother was being open and emotional with me. When she sat gossiping with Aunt Ruth she didn't give off the impression that she was sad not to have me at home.

"I won't forget you though," I said.

"That's good to know Malcolm," mum replied before letting out something that sounded like a sigh. "I'd probably better leave you to it."

"Okay, I love you mum."

"I love you too Malcolm."

The call went dead and I sat in silence.

My mum's reaction hadn't been as bad as I was expecting, and she said she'd already had some idea, but my heart was still pounding and I felt as if I had come off a really wild theme park ride.

I knew I should message Lachlan, so I willed myself to text him.

My dear fox, I did it. I'm not sure I feel. She wasn't mad or anything, and I'm glad I got it out of the way. Your Shep xx

_ _ I sent the text off and flopped down on my bed. My phone began buzzing and I glanced down to see Lachlan's number showing on the screen.

"Hey," I said as I answered.

"My dear Shep," Lachlan said softly. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I am. As I say, I'm just not sure how to feel right now. My mum wasn't angry, a little taken aback perhaps, and she asked about you in fact. She wants to meet you."

"All in good time," Lachlan replied. "But that's good she wasn't angry. I imagine you will be feeling pretty overwhelmed right now."

"I am, I feel exhausted," I nodded.

"Emotions can be draining," Lachlan agreed. "But do you have anything that can make you happy right now?"

"My new swimwear turned up."

"Good. Focus on that for now, I know it may seem trivial, but at a time of deep reflection it's also healthy to have something positive to think about too."

"Okay," I replied. "I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow and flying off."

"Same here, I promise we'll have a wonderful adventure," Lachlan said warmly.

"Thanks," I said with a smile. "I'd probably better finish packing and go to bed soon."

"If you're sure, call me back if you feel alone or want to talk some more," Lachlan said.

"I will, goodnight my dear fox," I said.

"Goodnight, my dear Shep."

I hung up and laid my head on the pillows. I was aware that Hudson had also tried contacting, but I didn't feel like calling him back at that moment. Instead, I remained still for a moment, gazing out of the window as the sun disappeared.

My new swimwear was at the foot of the bed. I picked it up and used my claws to gently tear open the package and the plastic wrapping. A smile spread across my muzzle as the new swimwear dropped out onto the covers.

Like Lachlan, I'd got myself a pair of swim briefs, only mine had a blue camouflage pattern. I wondered whether to try them on, but a flash of guilt coursed through me.

I didn't know why, but it felt inappropriate to be doing something fun if I'd just had a difficult conversation with my mum. I also felt guilty that I was going off on holiday after breaking the news to her.

She doesn't hate me, but still, that was a weird experience.

_ _ Lachlan was right, I was starting to reflect. I felt I should be sitting with her, but I couldn't exactly do that when she lived several miles away.

My phone buzzed and I looked down to see a message from my mum.

I'm heading to bed. But have a pleasant journey tomorrow xx

_ _ The text made me feel a mild rush of relief. At least my mum was still taking an interest in me and not reacting with anger.

Keeping that thought in my mind, I went to the bathroom to get showered and ready to sleep