FSE

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Chapter 12

Somewhere in his mind, it occurred to Jayden that he actually did like Alan. But, somewhere else, he realized that he wasn't even sure why. They weren't compatible, and they weren't a match, and there were no late nights, watching movies on the couch, holding each other until the world subsided. Alan didn't try to hold him, or his hand, or anything since he admitted he might have feelings for him. Jayden hoped it was just that he was nervous and not that he had been mistaken, but Alan was always certain, he made that clear.

Perhaps it was Jayden's fault, perhaps it was Alan's, but, at the end of the day, he wasn't really even sure if it mattered. They were two different people, two people that had too completely different outlooks on life. Alan liked the bigger picture, and lived his life by the thought of what would make him popular, or famous, or larger than life. Jayden just cared about making it through another day, trying his hardest to relish the small moments that made the hours bearable. Alan didn't publish his books because he didn't know if they'd make him famous, and Jayden didn't publish his books because he didn't know if he knew himself well enough to write about someone else.

Jayden had known this for sometime; since the day after he met him, actually. He also knew from the first night that they were moving too fast and were doomed to fail, but he didn't really want to accept that truth yet. Paige had assured him that if he went in with that outlook, it would end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy, but he knew she was wrong. When Jayden had defended Francis all those months, he still ended up losing. She was wrong a lot more than they liked to admit, but Jayden just humored her and nodded at her concerned words.

It felt like his fears never completely disappeared, and he never felt completely at peace with his decisions. He wondered about his sanity and he wondered what he was doing, because no matter how much he talked to Alan, he still questioned what it was that he saw in him. With Francis, it just felt right, regardless of what happened, it felt like he had a reason to fight for it. He didn't know why, but Alan needed a reason, a validation, something to make Jayden sure that he was doing the right thing by giving up on Francis.

The more afraid he became, the more worried he was that he was making the wrong choice, and the more he clung to Alan, over thinking every little thought. He didn't want to think about Francis anymore, he didn't want to remember how he lost him, or how he still loved him. Sometimes, it just felt like Alan didn't want to speak to him, so he wouldn't call. But, then again, it felt like no one really cared about him anymore.

He was just afraid to let go of Alan and just go back to being alone. His heart told him to hold on, his head told him to let go, and Paige was forever telling him to make up his mind. It just felt that, regardless of what he chose, he wouldn't be happy. Alan was like a vice and he wasn't sure he'd be able to love anyone the way he loved Francis. Letting go of Alan admitted to Jayden that they were really all the same, that they were all doomed to fail, and he wasn't quite ready to accept that, either.

Left to his own devices too long, Jayden's mind would wander back to Francis and his bag of belongings in the closet. He knew it should be in some dumpster, far away, so he never had to look back, but the hope of his return chained them to his subconscious, making him feel a sick twinge of happiness every time he saw his empty closet. But, two weeks had passed without so much as text message, so the chance for reconciliation seemed next to nothing. He just needed to stop thinking and take things as they came; if only it was that easy.

His window was open for the first time in a long time, and he actually felt the cool breeze sputtering through the screen, making his curtains dance clumsily. The long, dreadful winter had finally decided to lay itself to rest and let the world go through it's numbered days without a constant canopy of dreary clouds lingering overhead.

Instead, there was sun, and the trill of birds in the morning, and the hiss of rain at night, but no matter what season he endured, nothing seemed able to wash his fears away. He'd never been so invested in such a lost cause and he'd never been so far gone that he couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. So far he'd fallen that he couldn't even see the good side, like he always used to.

A relationship ends and opportunities open, but it didn't seem wholly so this time around. He felt imprisoned with the raging fire that maimed him so, and he wasn't really sure how to get away. That's what Francis did, he made you need him, he made you want him, he made you actually hope for the next stinging pain, because then, at least, you knew he was thinking about you.

Sometimes, he just wished he was someone else, so he could look at his life with a fresh view, like the ground that thawed every spring, or the flowers that awoke after the first rain. Perhaps then he could see Francis for what he was. He just needed a new chance, but he was already damning himself to a living hell as he sat here, once again anchoring himself to his seemingly insurmountable past.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, and looked down at his shorts, which were turned a bright white in the blinding light. Retrieving it slowly, he almost hoped that the caller would hang up before he even had a chance to answer.

"Hello?" Jayden asked lethargically, not even bothering to see who it was that called. Only three people called him, but none of them had called him in days, so he really had no idea who it was, nor did he really care who it was.

"Hey, Jayden," Alan said softly, almost awaiting his perceived punishment.

"Hi."

"Umm," Alan hummed softly, lost on how to apologize for showing up then disappearing. Jayden knew he really couldn't blame him for anything, because he hadn't tried to contact him, either. Being angry at someone just felt more natural. "I'm sure you've noticed that I've been distant since we met, but I swear I'm not trying to do it purposefully. I've been a little afraid to get - Err, is it alright if I come over?"

"Yea, that's fine," Jayden mumbled, his eyes skimming across the lattice of shadows that was strewn across the top of his comforter. At least his room wasn't a mess anymore, since he wasn't hungry enough to eat or tired enough to sleep. In the last few months he'd lost about fifteen pounds and was dangerously close to being underweight, but, sadly, that thought didn't settle his stomach any.

"Okay, I'll be there in like ten minutes."

The line went dead and Jayden scrunched up his face as he dropped his phone to his side. It'd be nice to see him, but it'd still unnerve him all at the same time. That's how it always worked, he was fine when he was with him, and lost otherwise. Just like when he'd been with Francis. Sitting, looking out his window, he studied his tired eyes and sunken corners of his lips in the crystalline sheen of the glass, wondering how he'd ever let himself get to this point.

His eyes flicked between the electric blue sky and the matte of white fur, and he could feel himself sticking out, only allowing him to look at how much he'd allowed himself to change. How much he'd allowed someone to take control of his life and mold it into something it wasn't.

Looking down at the phone as it vibrated, he saw a message printed across the screen and he picked it up to see it was from Alan. He was downstairs and wanted to go for a walk, meaning that there had to be some form of bad news. Hopefully, this time it wouldn't be a baby. He could live with him having a girlfriend, because, obviously, that'd never bothered him before.

He depreciated everything he came in contact with; he reminded himself of how the bed always squeaked and ignored just how soft it was, or he told himself how Alan was nothing like Francis, even though he wasn't supposed to be. He knew everything he was doing wrong, so why was it such a huge leap to fix himself?

Alan stood in the foyer with his back to the door, his hands folded behind him, looking at the melting snow with what Jayden imagined would be a look of dismay. If he looked worried, he wouldn't have to feel as guilty when Jayden's face fell to match his own. Sympathy was a funny feeling that allowed you to pass horrible news with less guilt, because it allowed you to tell yourself that you would change the events if you could have. The thing was, however, that we usually denied ourselves to think of the things we could have done differently. It bothered him how often guilt and sympathy walked hand in hand.

He turned and gave Jayden a pitiful wave, further cementing his beliefs that something was about to go terribly, terribly wrong. Or right; he really didn't know what to think about it at this point. It was possible that he just wanted to apologize for disappearing, maybe he felt like he took Jayden's heart with him for the few days he had left, but the wolf felt like he'd never come along, so it was almost like he'd never left.

The bear's arms wrapped around him, and Jayden did the same out of reflex as Alan's relaxed grip said that he'd missed him. Jayden had to admit it felt nice to be cared about enough to be missed, but it made him wonder what he had done to make him worthy of such affection. Since they met, they didn't spend as much time together as he had with Francis, yet he was attached just the same. It could be that it wasn't affection at all, but guilt. Or fear.

A hand brushed his as he looked up at Alan with what he hoped was a convincing smile. He was led outside by a soft grip on his forearm and Jayden blinked in the light as it rushed past him. The sun blazed on the horizon before him, sending them into a dizzying world of deep red and dark shadow.

His hand fell to his side as Alan relented his grasp so he could scratch behind his ear nervously. They fell in sync as they walked down the street in silence, and Jayden cocked his head curiously when Alan would open his mouth to speak but try to hide it behind a twitch or a yawn. Jayden really wished he would just come out with it already, because he was actually starting to feel the anxiety grab hold of his chest.

"Look," Alan finally blurted as they turned down a side road that Jayden knew led to the park. Using his teeth to play with his lower lip, Jayden watched him silently as his heavy sigh filled the early dusk. "We kind of met at a bad time. I'm not trying to ignore you, I swear I'm not. I do like you, I really do. It's just have a lot of work to do and a lot to get ready for."

"Get ready for? Like, for college?" Jayden asked, already certain that it couldn't be that simple. He wouldn't try to apologize if he was busy with college, because that's something a lot of people did. Apologizing for work or school was something you did fleetingly, so this had to be something deeper.

"Well, yes. And, no," Alan mumbled as he began to walk a little faster so he could position himself in front of Jayden. He was about to let the bomb drop, and he didn't want to risk hearing Jayden's heart shatter. "I have to finish some things up at school, but, well, after my girlfriend broke up with me, I was depressed. And stupid. And I went to enroll in the army."

"Oh," Jayden said quickly with a perked eyebrow. He wasn't really sure how to take it, or if it even bothered him, "Why exactly? Were you hoping to learn some life lesson, or something?"

Time seemed to drift by as Alan led through him through the park gate. The metal gate squeaking agitatedly as Jayden's eyes hovered along the ground until his gaze came to rest on the stained pavement of the empty tennis court. Something about this park seemed to attract bad news, making Jayden swear to himself that from here on out, he'd avoid it like a plague. In his mind, all he could do was replay his memories, and all he could see was the overhead flood light illuminating Francis' hands as they fell away from his, remembering the precise moment his words brought his impenetrable castle to the ground.

The groan of the swings brought his attention back to the awkwardness that always happened between day and night, where they were cast in darkness, waiting for the streetlights to illuminate their way. Jayden sat down on the swing beside Alan's, gripping onto the chains as his shoulders leaned forward just enough for him to see the moist sand beneath his feet.

"No," Alan said finally, looking at the ground as he kicked the dirt desolately, making himself glide through the air softly. "Yes. I don't know. I mean, money was tight and still is. I'm living two paychecks behind and my parents are threatening to kick me out, so I figure, you know, why not? They'd help me with college and - and I'd get to see somewhere different."

Jayden looked back down at the dirt, studying the lines his feet had dug into the ground as he swung back and forth in an attempt to occupy himself. He found himself aching more than he should have, and more than he wanted to, especially given the progression of things. He didn't know Alan all that well, but he wanted to. He was just afraid to. Opening up to him would mean trusting his heart with someone else who could throw it away at the slightest provocation.

The sting seemed to ripple through his shallow existence; he honestly couldn't believe this was happening again. Alan's swing clinked lazily as his hand ran underneath Jayden's chin, bringing his eyes up so that they met in the descending darkness. The iris of his eyes reflected the light from the nearby tennis court, but they seemed sad, a feeling that Jayden missed. He'd been depressed, a feeling that he was stuck amidst the tormenting seas, but never sad. Sadness was different, because it implied a loving, or a yearning, depression just felt like... nothing.

He knew that Alan didn't really want to go, and he knew that he was just making up excuses. For someone who insisted they were always certain, he was certainly living in indefinites. Alan was just telling himself that this was what he really wanted, just like Jayden. And, long ago, Jayden had learned it from Francis, but in the end the student surpassed the teacher. When you continually tell yourself that you don't know what you want, it's so much easier to manipulate yourself.

"I'm really sorry, Jayden. I should have told you sooner. Before I brought you into this blindly," Alan said as he moved his hand, allowing Jayden to avert his eyes again and look at the disintegrating cement path. Jayden probably should have told him the whole truth, too.

"I guess you should have," Jayden mumbled, the weight in his chest pulling him further forward towards the ground so he could seek sanctity underground, "So, you're leaving?"

Alan's hand held the side of his muzzle again, turning him slowly so their eyes met a second time, but this time he looked happy, almost enlightened, as if his disclosure had cleansed his heart. Perhaps Jayden would feel the same if he told Alan that he still loved Francis. He couldn't do that: that would put Alan on the defensive the moment he said it. Jayden forced his lips to match the smile even though it hurt to fight the tug of gravity.

"Yes," he said as he used his thumb to brush the fur under Jayden's eye, making the wolf feel a genuine smirk flick across his lips as he fought the heat rising in his face, "In a few months, though. I don't see why we can't make it work until then. I'll be back after basic training."

"But, you'll leave again after that," Jayden sighed, feeling the warmth of Alan's hand fade away into nothing. Why was he fighting so hard not to enjoy this? Why was he sabotaging everything he wanted, just for something that was over and done with? Was he seriously so afraid that he'd leave just like Francis that he wanted to end it before it started?

"Well, yes, but - I'll call you everyday. We can make it work."

"It's fine," Jayden said, with a smile that he knew even he couldn't pull off. His fist nudged Alan's arm as the bear looked at the ground, wringing his hands wordlessly. Jayden's swing tugged him side to side weakly as the last remnants of energy faded until he came to a complete stop. Exhaling silently underneath the immense weight of the still spring night, Jayden looked over to the bear, instantly understanding the guilt he felt.

"I can't just leave, Jayden, I already enrolled," Alan sighed as Jayden's hand gripped his shoulder reassuringly.

"I know," Jayden said, feeling that it wasn't entirely the truth. He couldn't fight the feeling that he was probably missing a piece of this particular puzzle.

Alan stood from the swing and Jayden just watched him silently, studying his body and his movements, wishing he could look directly into his soul and find what made him so afraid to be unsure. The bear extended his hand courteously and Jayden took it as Alan pulled him into a kiss.

Hidden beneath his shell of fear, and his layers of questions and insecurities, he could feel his heart flutter. He could feel that spark igniting, but as Alan's lips left his, his eyes spoke to Jayden's and everything flooded back in, evicting that feeling of warmth, of belonging, of the igniting fire. Images overtook his thoughts, of his darkened living room, of the television flickering speechlessly as hollow, loving words were uttered.

"If it's meant to work, then we'll end up together in the end, right?" Alan asked and Jayden smiled, unable to understand the words.

"Yea," Jayden replied softly.

"Well, um, do you want to head back? I brought a movie we could watch, to kind of make up for the last few days," Alan suggested, pointing towards the gate as it shifting in the breeze. Jayden put his hands in his pockets as he nodded, following him down the brightly lit road. Yea, because a movie would definitely make this all better.

He was tired of people asking so much of him. Here, let me give you my heart so you can stomp on it. No, don't worry about it, I really don't mind. Jayden was fine living with the knowledge that Alan was going to leave because he'd lived the same way with Francis, every day since he'd met him. And, because of Francis, it felt like it'd never really happen, until it actually did. He only had to worry about getting lost when he was actually long gone.

Who was he kidding? He was always lost. He was alone. What did he care if he was leaving? After all, Jayden had tried so hard to make himself believe that Alan was just another vice to remove him from his hurt, and his directionless life.

Alan was in the middle of college, yet leaving to join the army. If it was a money problem, you'd logically think of the military first, to help you pay for it. He was running from something. He was just like Jayden. Neither of them were over their exes, so they were just running away because they were afraid to move on. Jayden wished he had somewhere to run to.

"Are you alright?" Alan asked as they passed onto the main road that led to Jayden's house. Biting the inside of his lip agitatedly, he played with the lining of his pockets to try and calm his nerves, but it didn't work.

"Yea, it's fine," Jayden mumbled, trying to hide his words beneath the sounds of passing cars or the whistling breeze, "Everyone else leaves, so why wouldn't you?"

Alan stopped at the entrance of the apartment complex, burrowing his hands into his sweatshirt as his sad gaze lingered on the back of Jayden's head. The unsettled air blew Jayden's fur into his face as he sighed, turning to Alan with a remorseful look. What was he doing, trying to make Alan feel so guilty? Jayden probably would have done the same thing if it were him; Alan probably didn't want that impending departure looming over their heads. He was trying to spare him the sleepless night and the second thoughts.

"Jayden, I really didn't mean for it to happen like this. If only we'd met sooner," Alan said in an undertone. Jayden dug the bear's hands from his pockets so he could perch them on top of his shoulders. As his hands clasped behind Alan's back, he felt the bear's cheek brush against his, his head resting beside Jayden's neck.

"I know, I'm sorry, too," Jayden sighed, giving a small smile as Alan pulled away to look him in the eyes, "This is just too close to things that have been said before. Only, it didn't work out before."

"You can always talk to me if you want," Alan said as they continued to the apartment, but Jayden was too fearful of opening up to someone else. Paige had been his best friend for a long while, yet she always reprimanded him for his thoughts. He wanted to know what Alan would think if he told him that he still had the urge to call Francis every single time he looked at his phone. Or every time he was lonely. Or afraid. It'd hurt and it'd be pointless, but it was just as useless to stick with Alan.

"I'm not quite ready to talk about it," Jayden mumbled, furling his fingers as he slid the key into the side door, looking at their reflection in the pane of glass. The door opened and Jayden cut through the stifling air as he climbed the stairs, keeping Alan to his back as he tried to clear his head.

"I just want you to know I'm here," Alan declared as Jayden pushed the apartment door open and scratched his head, turning down the hall. None of the lights were on, and Jayden knew where he was going but Alan clung to him so he wouldn't get lost. The bedroom light flicked on quickly and Jayden cut across the room with a muffled sigh, closing the window as Alan retrieved a flash drive from his pocket.

Jayden pulled his comforter off the bed and tossed it into the corner, shielding the open closet from view. Alan turned on the television as Jayden propped up the pillows to allow them to sit up comfortably. Feeling suddenly uncomfortable as Alan walked over to the bed, Jayden pushed himself further to the side of the bed, trying to look like he just wanted space for his legs.

The bed pulled him closer to the bear as he sat beside Jayden with his hands folded innocently on his lap, probably feeling like he ruined his chances of getting close to him. Completely unaware of whatever movie Alan had decided to use his computer to play, Jayden stared at the wall directly above the television as he felt the bed start to shake as Alan wiggled his feet around in incessant circles.

It was Jayden's fault that this was so awkward; he'd told his dark secret, the one that would confuse their still forming trust. Now that Alan knew that Jayden still had feelings for Francis, it'd forever be a competition to win his affection out of fear that he may be stolen away by an unknown threat. Biting his nail anxiously, he hazarded a look at Alan who seemed more misplaced than Jayden as he stared at the television without even a glimpse of interest.

He reminded him so much of Francis, but he was so much better than him. Better at caring, better at hoping, and better at trying, but why was Jayden so damn attached to Francis? Looking at Alan, he saw a stranger, someone he didn't connect with, and someone who could never feel as comfortable on his bed as Francis had been. There was something about the way Francis didn't care about anything that made Jayden feel cared about. Francis didn't care if Jayden said I love you, nor did he care when Jayden dragged him home with him. It was almost like Francis trusted him.

Alan scratched the side of his snout distractedly and his hand came to rest on Jayden's thigh, but he did nothing to pull away. He needed to try to fight, he needed to try to get over this, and he needed to try to care about someone else, someone who cared about him. Why was that such a difficult concept for him?

His teeth scraped against the inside of his lip as he looked at Alan's hand, trying to bring himself to smile. Should he try to take it further? Things were going to end with Alan eventually, so did he really want to take the risk of getting attached? Jayden felt just like Francis at that moment, so close but unable to get attached; unable to love or unable to make up his mind. He was trying to be close to two people, but all it did was make him not care about either. Jayden had already messed up, so it's not like he could make it any worse. Alan was right, if it was meant to work between them, it'd happen. And this was happening. Francis had lost his chance.

Feeling his heart quivering, Jayden brought his hand behind Alan's back and rest it on his neck, running his fingers through the soft fur as his pounding heart waited for some kind of response.

"There is a jungle cat in the bathroom!" Alan exclaimed along with the movie as he stifled a laugh. That wasn't exactly the response he'd been looking for. The bear turned himself to the side slightly, bringing his head down to Jayden's chest, folding his hands comfortably across his stomach as Jayden felt the bear's full weight pressing into him.

It wasn't uncomfortable, it was actually rather comforting. He was beginning to feel that feeling of necessity and that feeling of belonging that he'd lost back at the park all those months ago. His fluttering heart calmed, letting the waters become torpid once more as he got lost in the feeling of fur between his fingers.

Alan moved himself slightly and Jayden pulled his fingers away quickly, but all the bear did was make himself more comfortable as he sat himself in between the wolf's legs, once again resting his head down. Jayden smiled shyly, snaking his arms underneath Alan's as he held him around the chest, resting his chin on the bear's head. For the first time, he smelled the pungent scent of spice.

Why couldn't he just stay this content with his past and present? He didn't know what it was that made him so carefree, but, at this moment, he wished he could just stay like this forever. This is what he wanted, what he needed, and what Francis had used to give him. The screen flickered with a pretty array of colors and occasionally the screen would fade to black or loud sounds would shatter their serenity but Jayden didn't really care to pay attention as he looked down the bear's stomach.

This didn't feel the same, but it would never feel the same again. He repeated the words in his head, hearing the notion rattle through his pleasantly empty mind. It'd never feel the same, but, for now, it was close enough. He'd be content with things to just stay like this. As a soft snoring filled the air and a low rumbling reverberated through Jayden's chest, he moved his arms so he could run his fingers through Alan's headfur again.

The screen faded to black indefinitely and, cast against the wall like a shadow puppet by the televisions backlight, Jayden rest his hand on Alan's chest, stroking lazily with his thumb as the flickering blackness entranced him. He felt a weird sense of security with Alan pressed against him. It felt like he could relive some of his memories, just the good ones, the ones that were meant to be. As he ran through his memories, he found the faces oddly empty. There was no longer a reason to say no, only a reason to go on. He felt relaxed, but how could he be sure?

The bear in his arms mumbled something as he twitched, so Jayden looked at him curiously. Snorting loudly, Alan shook his head before looking up at Jayden, who just smiled as he was pulled down into a kiss, taking the wolf by surprise.

"I had a dream, and there were lawn gnomes," Alan stated, confident that his statement wouldn't cause Jayden to worry about his sanity. The bear smirked childishly at Jayden's perked eyebrow, "They told me to wake up, so I did."

"Lawn gnomes, huh?" Jayden pondered aloud as Alan rolled off his chest, laying on his side, his head in his hand as he looked at the wolf coyly. He could see the light gray band of Alan's underwear poking out above his pants as the bear's shirt rode halfway up his stomach. Jayden cleared his throat as he looked Alan in the eyes; just take it slowly. He wasn't ready to go rushing into it. He didn't want to sabotage this yet. "Any particular reason why there were lawn gnomes in your dreams?"

"Not really," Alan said softly as he flopped onto his back, making the bed rattle dangerously as he brought himself closer to Jayden. The bear's hand snuck behind his back and began to rub back and forth softly as he stared contemplatively at the strobing light that flashed across the ceiling. Jayden crossed his legs and his palms found a home on his ankles as he looked at Alan's belly. He wanted to rest his head on it and hide his fingers under the waistband, like he'd always done before. "I usually dream about flying. I don't know why, but I think it's because I always wondered what it'd be like to be a superhero. Could you imagine flying everywhere? It'd be pretty awesome."

"You're a weird one, you know that?" Jayden chuckled as Alan's hand fell onto the pillows behind them, brushing Jayden's tail, making his stomach squirm unpleasantly. Claws ran gently against his back as his shirt was pushed aside involuntarily by Alan, his hand running along his bare back. Jayden closed his eyes to repress a shutter as his heart stopped and the muscles running down his back clenched.

"I like being weird, because it means I'm different," Alan explained, his hand stopping momentarily as it realized where it was, but quickly resuming when Jayden didn't protest, "Where's the fun in being the same as everyone else? Just because I dream of flying and I have lucky boxers doesn't make me that much of a freak, does it?"

"I like different," Jayden mumbled quietly, feeling an all too familiar stirring emanating from his lower stomach as Alan's claws scratched across his spine in just the right way. A sick sense of arousal clouded his inhibitions, but the memorable anxiety made his lips twitch as he wished he was anywhere else. If they ended up doing it now, it'd be useless and emotionless because they didn't love each other. They didn't want each other yet. They were getting there, but they couldn't quite make it to that point. "I see you're not wearing your lucky boxers today."

"I figured I was lucky enough without them," Alan said as his hand stopped its rolling motions to grip onto Jayden's side softly, his fingers hovering less than an inch from his belt. Jayden could feel his curious quivering as he wanted to go further, his hand waiting for Jayden's approval. "So I just wore my boxer-briefs. I thought they accentuated everything better."

"That it does," Jayden muttered under his breath as he broke his carnal stare, instead looking at his hands in his lap as they tried to hide his body's approval. They sat there for a few long minutes before the wolf coughed, trying to clear the lump in his throat. "Maybe we should get some rest."

"Yea, probably," Alan said as Jayden unfolded his legs, presenting his back to the bear as he laid on his side, still trying to hide his fading excitement from view. The bed shook, drawing Jayden even closer to Alan as the center of the bed sank. It was like he was hit with a splash of cold water accented with the nauseating feelings of deja vu, his stomach clenched when the bear's hand ran down his side, resting in front of his belly button.

His fear before had allowed himself to get attached to Francis. His anticipation of the future and his yearning for acceptance or his desire to be the only one was the reason he held on despite the opposition. To cut out the fear, or the anxiety, or the emotion left you with just an act, something that you couldn't base the future off of. There was no future with Alan, even if he desired one. He sought a warm embrace, but all he'd get was a cold phone against his ear or insides jokes whose meanings faded, because that's what distance did. Again, he asked himself, did he want to get attached, just to be ripped apart?

Rolling over only his other side, he pressed his face into Alan's chest, desiring some of that fleeting happiness that came with his embrace. But, the warmth always faded away, because that's what kept you coming back, that desire to feel what you thought you'd forgotten. In the security of his arms, it felt like he'd be safe forever, but it always disappeared again.

Alan's hand slid up his back, under his shirt, taking Jayden's fur into his fingers, the claws on each finger occasionally brushing against skin as he went up and down.

Jayden contested the similarities he saw between Alan and Francis, even as they glared him in the face. He'd loved Francis, but he was never close and he'd never secured a place in his heart, because he always ended up leaving again. All they'd had was mountainous climbs to the fleeting moments of happiness, just to fall back down from the top of the world.

Fingers passed over his backside, on top of his khaki shorts, pressing the rough insides of the fabric into the back of his thigh and he could feel that closeness that he seemed to talk so much about, but never truly felt. This would be just like every other time he'd ever done it with Francis; empty, and lacking any real connection, leaving him to only feel that fake connection. If they really loved each other, they would wait until their hearts weren't so torn. To cut out the fear, or the anxiety, or the emotion left you with just an act, but as long as it made him feel good in the now, he could live without a future.

Jayden kissed Alan's shirt, opening his eyes to study the way his chest pressed against the cloth in the dim light. He could feel each hair touch the sensitive pads on his hands as he watched his fingers pass under Alan's shirt. He missed the way that this used to cause him to be genuinely, innocently nervous, and giddy, and excited. How the first time was always something to test the waters, to test their compatibility, to test their likeliness of a future. Now, it just didn't feel right, but it felt normal, nonetheless. Living with an anxiety of getting caught cleansed him of that giddy excitement, replacing it with a dirty thrill. That's all he ever felt with Francis, because all he ever asked himself was if this would be the time they got caught.

The bear pressed his fingers under Jayden's belt and into the back of his pants, his hand insistent as he gripped his rump. Looking up at the bear with a smile, they kissed but Jayden hid his discomfort; Alan wanted this to be deep, to connect them, but Jayden was unable to connect with anything. A slight pressure ran along his hip, the sensation making his stomach squirm as he felt his belt loosen.

No kissing, no emotion, Jayden thought to himself as he rolled the bear onto his back, positioning himself above Alan's waist, feeling something pressing against his tail. No regret, no pain. Wrenching his shirt over his head, he threw it into the corner along with his comforter as it covered his painful memories. His fur stood out brightly against the blackness of the room and Alan looked up at him surreptitiously, unable to hide the fact that he approved of the direction this was headed. This time is wasn't about affection, so there was no point in going slow, because if there was no future, there was no love.

Meandering aimlessly under Alan's shirt, he felt the curves of his sides and he indent of his belly button before gripping his chest firmly. His heart echoed up his body, colluding with his own as it filled his ears with guilty excitement. Alan shifted himself as Jayden gripped onto the hem of his shirt, tugging it purposefully, almost dutifully, over his head.

Alan's fingers ran up Jayden's side, pushing the fur against itself, making his skin tingle curiously. Holding him by the waist, the bear motioned his hips against Jayden's shorts, the gently grinding making Jayden's belt buckle rattle expectantly in the otherwise deafening silence. He could feel Alan's chest rising, then falling as he brought his lips down to his neck, biting at it slowly, feeling his pulse stutter in time to his teeth brushing against the skin. Kissing along his jawbone, he was painfully aware of how awkward it felt, but as Alan slipped his fingers into the waistband of his boxers, he was able to push the thought from his mind.

"This lucky enough for you?" Jayden grinned as he whispered into the bear's ear, feeling his own hot breath run along his face. Alan laughed distractedly, its sincerity shattered as he got lost in the feeling of what Jayden was doing to him. Sliding down smoothly, he began to kiss down Alan's chest, his hand questing further south towards the zipper of the bear's pants.

A guiding hand massaged the wolf's neck, the grasp firm and pleading as Jayden's hand teased at the button. Growing agitated by the force holding his head steady, he pulled away, feeling the tension ebb away as the touch and the warmth faded. Undoing the zipper in one quick, painless motion Jayden ran his palm against the bear's gray boxer-briefs, feeling it twitch excitedly. Smiling to himself at the bear's shuttering approval, Jayden got on his knees, unfastening his pants and stepping out of them as quickly as he could, leaving only his boxers to hide him.

Alan looked the wolf over with an approvingly grin, but Jayden looked away, feeling a brief pang of shame and timidness when he looked into his eyes too long. Grazing the wolf's boxers, Alan rubbed his bare thigh meaningfully, making Jayden smirk as he leaned down to kiss the bear's chest. As his lips hovered above the bear's revealing underwear, he could only think about how he wished he wasn't doing this. How pointless it was to be doing this, because he knew in the morning he would wish he'd decided differently. It was fine as long as he didn't see Alan's face.

Grabbing onto the bunched up fabric on the bear's thighs, Jayden tugged his pants down to his knees as he stared at the half-naked bear curiously. His greater conscious begged him to see reason, to stop what he was doing and just walk away. There was no use getting attached, it would try to say feebly, but that stupid little voice always gained strength until it was a booming presence in his mind. You don't want to feel lonely, do you? Sure, he doesn't love you like you thought Francis did, but he could make you feel good. Screw the future, by then you could find someone else to mess around with. Who really cares about love? It never works, anyway.

"It is pretty amazing," Alan said softly, noticing that Jayden was idling with his fingers curled under the band of his underwear. Rolling his eyes, he pulled them down, leaving the bear completely vulnerable as the rest of his clothing fell to the floor beside them. What part of this made Alan feel so comfortable? So able to accept himself being under someone else's control? Jayden couldn't bring himself to trust the bear enough to take the next step, to lose his last piece of clothing.

With a petty smile that his face couldn't quite understand, he ran his hand along it slowly, trying to mentally shut his eyes, so he wouldn't have to see what he was doing. He couldn't even say no to his subconscious anymore, and he was supposed to be in control of it. The room was beginning to grow hot, making Jayden's skin crawl as he leaned over Alan, kissing his thigh, trying his best to ignore his own hand. He felt almost at peace with the turmoil that afflicted him and he was almost content with the way he was treating himself like he didn't matter.

He couldn't bring himself to look up at Alan, to look him in the eyes as soft groans filled the dead air. For some reason, he was afraid of what he might find. He was afraid that he might see a little bit of himself in there. Alan didn't know what he was getting himself into, looking for a commitment when Jayden didn't even care about himself.

Alan reached down to rest his hand on top of Jayden's head, commandeering him almost unnoticeably as the wolf opened his mouth slightly. He didn't look up at Alan, because he didn't want to see him, and he was almost certain that the bear wasn't looking down at him, either. Jayden wasn't over Francis, just like Alan wasn't over his ex, because if he was, he wouldn't be running away. If Alan was as much like him as he thought, then he probably feared that he would never be able to move on. So, here they were, with Jayden's mouth a little too preoccupied to be talk about his feelings.

The hand disappeared from his head, instead resting leisurely by Alan's thigh, occasionally grasping at the sheets in time with his low moans. Even though the air was hot, the bear breathed it in with determination, the short, sharp bursts filling the air with a feeling of guilt that made Jayden think even more furiously about what he was doing. Hazarding an upward glance, he only saw the bottom of Alan's chin as he pressed his head into the pillow. It made him feel low and unimportant, but he figured that's how it worked; if you treat yourself like you're worthless, everyone else will, too. Therein lay all his problems.

Looking down at him with a mischievous smirk, Alan pulled himself into a sitting position as he stroked Jayden's ear. Crawling on all fours along the firm mattress, Jayden brushed his hip along Alan's upper arm, flicking his tail at him playfully. Alan's hand ran along the inside of Jayden's thigh before holding his erection in his hand insistently. Closing his eyes, Jayden felt the bed shift behind him, the mattress groaning forebodingly as he became very aware of what was coming.

His mind was fighting the thought of everything he was doing, but his body wasn't as quick to judge as his chest became tight and his arms wobbling under the determination of Alan's hand. Even though he felt completely and undeniably vulnerable with the bear lazing behind him, pressing up against his tail, Jayden couldn't help but notice that certain parts of him didn't seem to mind that he may very well wake up regretting this in the morning.

The rickety metal frame of his bed shook as Alan positioned himself behind him and the world seemed to become quiet as his ears rang, feeling his tail being moved aside. He had known it was coming, but it didn't make it hurt any less as he dropped his head, letting it loll between his shoulders, gritting his teeth against the pain. Alan pressed his hand forcefully into the center of Jayden's back, making it increasingly hard to maintain his balance.

If he didn't want to do this so much, why was he? Alan was just like him. Going into something blindly, not knowing the full story, not knowing how it would end, but still doing things he knew he wasn't ready for. Is this what it felt like to use people? So cold and empty and full of regret?

Holding up one side of his body with a quivering arm, he pressed the side of his face into his bed. No matter how high the thread-count was on his sheets, he knew it couldn't make this comfortable, or help him fight the pain that his apprehension brought. He squeezed his eyes shut, still gritting his teeth as the ecstasy mingled with the pain and the giddy palpitations in his heart were depressed by his nerves until he didn't even know what it was he was feeling anymore. It almost felt like he wasn't even committing the act, but reliving a fuzzy memory.

Alan's hands ran down his spine, his skin being tugged tightly until the bear's thumbs pressed into the small of his back, gripping his sides strongly. Jayden let out a low groan, not even sure which feeling was making him do it. Looking back, he instantly knew how Alan deciphered it as he begin to speed up, losing his steady motion.

As Jayden hid his face in the crook of his arm, he was pulled up by a pair of lusty hands on his shoulders. Alan used him for leverage, despite his tired arms inability to hold him elevated. Grunting hoarsely, the bear's arm snaked over his neck and held him aloft by his chest. His motions became sporadic, and irregular as Jayden extended his fingers as far as he could, trying to keep himself from falling as the bear's stomach pressed into his back, his heavy panting assaulting his ears.

Claws dug into his hips with an oddly erotic sting as Alan gave one final moan, thrusting himself in as far as he could. It felt good in all the wrong ways as he felt Alan's heart beating against his spine and as the steadfast grip relented, Jayden fell forward onto his outstretched hand, but his elbow gave in under the taxing force of gravity.

Lying on his stomach, he closed his eyes, just hoping for sleep, but Alan rolled him over onto his back. Jayden was too tired to open his eyes, but let out an involuntary shutter as Alan turned his attention to his waist. Lifting his head airily, he saw the stupid smile furling along Alan's half open mouth.

Pressure began to build in the pit of his stomach as his head fell back into the pillow with a deep moan. It felt like his head was spinning and as he clenched his every muscle, he felt Alan's nail trace down from his belly button, coming ever closer to what held both their attention.

With a loud groan that filled the hot air of his closed bedroom, Jayden's guilty pleasure came to an end. Panting in the aftermath, he pressed his fingers into his eyes, trying to rub away the ghosts in his vision as Alan landed on the bed beside him. Still in a stupefying daze, Jayden opened his eyes and looked at Alan, who had an enlightened smile on his face. He was going to try to return the feeling as genuinely as he could, but, instead, Alan just heaved the wolf's head onto his chest.

With time, their heavy breathing faded away into the subtle hum of the television speakers. Jayden rest his arm across Alan's stomach as he shut his eyes, a slight frown hidden from view in the bear's fur. Minutes passed in silence as his back was rubbed almost consolingly, as if to apologize for the anxiety that was already flooding into Jayden's mind. There was a loud inhalation of breath, like Alan was trying to test if Jayden was still awake, but the wolf stayed perfectly still. He didn't feel like talking. He just wanted to go to sleep and forget this ever happened.

"Jayden, I know I'm leaving, but I was wondering if you wanted to make this... official."

His eyes snapped open, but as he felt Alan shift to look down at him, he snapped them shut again, feigning sleep. Jayden didn't want a relationship, not with Alan. He still hadn't gotten over the fact that he was never even in a relationship with Francis. Jayden didn't need the delusion of hope despite the given ultimatum. All it'd do was dull the aching memories of the past, of a time when he couldn't seem to get what he wanted, or be who he wanted.

Eventually, Alan's soft snoring filled the room again, making Jayden certain that he was sleep. He needed to know for sure whether it was worth sabotaging even a glimmering chance with Alan. He needed to know which was better, uncertainty or a disillusioned affection. All Francis was, and had ever been, was a beautiful string of broken words. He had destroyed the meaning of every single word that Jayden had thought he'd understood. But, at least it'd make things feel normal again.

Sneaking away from the slumbering bear, he made sure he didn't give himself away as he grabbed his phone from his headboard. Still completely naked, he passed into the cool hallway, the shadows from the sliding glass window and the vertical slats of the shades painting an eerie picture against the walls.

Dialing the phone number he still remembered by heart, Jayden held it to his ear as he scratched his neck, pacing around the room, the shadows running against his snowy fur. He wasn't even sure if he'd pick up, but if he didn't, he guessed he'd still have his answer.

"Jayden?" Francis mumbled into the phone, the exhaustion prevalent as it drifted alongside his words, "It's one in the morning."

He felt his heart drop in his chest and he almost dropped the phone as he forgot why he even called. Staring at the fur on his stomach, he ran his hand through it contemplatively as he tried to figure out a way to express how much he missed him. How could you express weeks of repressed emotion over the phone?

"I'm sorry for the things I said, and I know you're doing the best you can, given the situation. I just wanted to know if - if you want to hang out sometime, to talk... or just hang out."