FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Traveling through the airport was always difficult. Kevin knew it was coming but he always dreaded the process of going through security. More often than not he was given the side eye, most often by the person operating the millimeter wave scanner. Though legal protections kept them from challenging him he knew that it was obvious he was trans species any time they scanned his body. For the most part no one cared, but in some places it was far from safe to identify as a species that was not the one assigned to you at birth. Parts of the country viewed it as an affront to nature, with others insisting it was to protect the innocent, but most of the time it was just a way to keep from having to deal with things they found uncomfortable.

For the most part Kevin didn't understand why anyone should care. All he wanted was to go about his business doing the things everyone else took for granted, but before he could do that he had to do one more thing. He'd just legally had his species changed on his identification, and it would be his first time going home since he'd done it. Both his parents knew, but how they would react in person was an entirely different matter.

It was a big deal for him, seeing horse on his ID instead of wolf. He had gone through a great deal of trouble finding the right hoof boots and the muzzle shaper that slid over his own. The surgery to alter the shape of his ears had been the most complicated aspect of the whole process. But at last he felt like the person he was supposed to be, and all he wanted was for his family to be okay with it. There were other steps left to go, so many things to update and so much to just be like all the other horses. Of course, it was a process, and one he understood was all simply part of the journey. As was this.

His traveling companion, a stallion named Jeff, smiled and squeezed his shoulder. "Hey, Kev, you okay?" he asked. "You're supposed to be relaxing. It's your father's fortieth birthday." Dressed in a casual shirt and jeans, the stallion looked straight up poured into those pants. A bit of a thin horse, he referred to himself as a champion showjumper, although truthfully he was mostly just a twink that looked amazing in practically every outfit he ever wore.

Kevin sighed, letting out a deep breath. "I just don't know how my parents are going to react to..." He gestured to himself. "All this."

Giving him a deadpan stare, Jeff tilted his head. "Are we going to go through this again?" he asked. "This is you. If they really care about you they'll at least try to get to know the new Kevin before deciding exactly how he fits into the family."

"I know they care, but it isn't going to be easy. Dad's pretty traditional. He's all about pack loyalty and all that Alpha and Omega stuff they feed you at church." He shrugged. "It's helped him through a lot of hard times and I don't know if there's room for me in all that."

"And your mom?" Jeff asked.

"I don't know. She knows. She was the first one I told. But the last time I visited she asked me to leave all my horse stuff behind. I did it because I offered her the choice and I wasn't sure if I wanted to deal with dad knowing right then. But it felt weird. I got the feeling that even though they still love me, it's not going to be real to them until they see me."

"Well, they'll see you tonight, once we get where we're going." Jeff offered him a reassuring hug. "And I'll be right there with you."

"Thanks. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here with me." Kevin looked down at his hooves.

Jeff smiled. "You'd be the same amazing horse you always are. Look, whether it's a herd or a pack it's just different words for the same thing, isn't it?" he said, placing his hand on Kevin's. "You're still one of the group, no matter what name you go by." And with that, the announcement came to board the plane.

After a three hour flight, the plane landed at its destination in New Hampshire. The plan had been for the two of them to rent a car and make their way to the Wilshire family home. Yet even knowing this, a part of Kevin had hoped there would be someone to greet them. It was impractical, he knew, to ask his parents to come out of their way to come get them when there was so much to do for the celebration, but it would have been a nice reassurance that there was nothing to worry about.

Jeff assured him it was all as expected even as they rented a fancy looking sedan and made their way towards the house where he'd grown up. It was a mostly wolf populated neighborhood, with a few other species peppered in here and there. Ostensibly they were not far from a major city so more and more other types of people had bought houses in the suburbs since property was cheap and the schools were good. But even so it was seventy percent lupine and as such there were a lot of signs of wolf culture all around.

The most prominent of such was a statue that was meant to represent the wolf's howl. According to his art history class it was the waveform of the sound of a pack leader calling to the rest of the group, but in reality it looked like a twisted metal flower someone had smashed with a hammer. Nevertheless, it was considered an important cultural icon, though there had been protests about requesting its removal for something a bit more inclusive.

Arriving at his childhood home, Kevin slunk into his seat a bit, knowing that from this point on facing his family was inevitable. He opened the door and looked down at the cobblestone sidewalks, frowning a bit as he swung his legs out of the car. Jeff came around and smiled, helping him out, himself being a practiced hand walking on uneven surfaces.

Once he had taken a few steps he'd gotten the hang of it, and smiled brightly as his mother emerged from the house. "Kevin! You're here!" She threw open her arms and wrapped them around her son, smiling and pressing her face into his chest. "Oh, you still smell like my Kevin," she said.

"Of course, mom," he replied awkwardly.

"I mean, I know that you would, but..." She trailed off, a bit uncertain on whether she had committed a faux pas.

Jeff rescued her with a gracious bow. "A pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Wilshire." He reached out to kiss her hand. "My name is Jeff Blakely."

"The pleasure is mine," Mrs. Wilshire responded. "So you're the boyfriend my Kevin has been talking about."

"That's me," Jeff beamed. "I'll try not to corrupt your son too much, ma'am." He smiled, going to the trunk to get the bags.

Kevin's father stood in the doorway with his older brother Topher. His face was expressionless, almost unreadable. He held up his hand in a meek wave. His father just stared at them.

Topher at least stepped forward to hug him. "Hey, bro! So it's true, you ponied up."

"I transitioned," he corrected him, hoping it was the last time. "I'm a horse now."

Topher looked at him for a second before blowing a stray hair out of his face. "Well it doesn't matter to me what you are. You're still my brother and it's damn good to see you." He wrapped his arms around him patting him twice on the back before letting go. "So this is the boyfriend?" he asked.

Kevin beamed. "He is. This is Jeff."

Jeff awkwardly shifted the bags in his arms in an effort to give him a handshake. "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," Topher echoed. "I hope you're hungry, bro. Mom made your favorite, steak and potatoes."

"Oh, um. I don't really eat those anymore." He shrugged. "It's not really a horse thing."

"Oh, right." His mom frowned. "Well, I can fix you some hay burgers. Horses like hay, don't they?"

Kevin nodded. "Yes, mom, horses like hay."

"Well, why don't the two of you come on inside. There's plenty of space for the two of you. I pulled out the folding couch in the basement since I figured you'd want to stay together," Mrs. Wilshire said.

"Thanks, mom." He smiled and noticed his father had disappeared from the doorway. "Is something wrong with dad?" he asked, broaching the uncomfortable subject.

Mrs. Wilshire flattened her ears a bit and sighed. "He's just having a hard time getting used to things, that's all. Just give him time." She gave Jeff a gentle squeeze on the arm. "Welcome to our home, young stallion. I do hope you enjoy your visit." She smiled.

"I'm sure we'll be fine, mom." He took his bag from Jeff. "You don't have to coddle us."

"Oh pish posh. I'm still your mother, I get to do whatever I want in perpetuity. It's the law." She leaned in to lick his muzzle. "I am still allowed to lick my son, aren't I?" she asked.

Kevin offered his permission with a flourish of his hand. "Lick away, mom."

She gave him one gingerly lick on the cheek and then ushered them both inside. "We have about an hour until dinner so settle in and get comfortable."

"Okay," he said, turning to Jeff. "I'll show you the way to the basement."

"I've missed you so much, man. I've got so much to tell you." His brother held the door as their mom disappeared into the kitchen.

Kevin held up his hoof tipped hands in a gesture of calm. "Can it wait until we get settled?" They were gloves, covering his filed down claws and capped with a hoof like material designed to duplicate the look and hardness of natural hooves. Accepting the gesture with a brotherly pat on the back, he left them to settle in to their temporary quarters.

The basement was pretty much as he remembered. All four of the walls were covered with smooth wooden paneling with a slate grey carpet under their hooves. The couch was the same as when he had been a cub, with the tv set up in the corner and a bunch of plastic containers filled with old clothes and other things the family wished to store but couldn't bear to part with. On the side of the room were two doors, one of which led to his father's workshop, and the other to the boiler room where the washer and dryer lived.

Alone at last, he set down his luggage and embraced Jeff in his arms. "Finally, some peace and quiet."

"Your family seems nice," Jeff said.

"Give it time," Kevin replied, uncertain of how much faith he placed in his family to not say something offensive, intentionally or otherwise. He knew he could rely on his mother to at least steer the conversation in some safe directions, but his brother and his father were another matter entirely. Of course neither of them would do it on purpose, but they had a way of saying things that while to other wolves might not seem rude were a bit awkward to other species. Kevin had accepted that at least a little awkwardness was inevitable, but as long as he could make it through this visit without flying back early it would be a victory.

Jeff looked at him. "You really think your family is going to say something transphobic?"

"I hope not," he said.

"Well, if they do we'll just have to make sure they know better." Jeff shrugged. "Stuff like this is never easy, especially if they're not used to it. My mom took months before she got used to me having a boyfriend."

"I'm not sure me being a guy was the problem," he replied.

"In any event, she loves you now. Your parents just need time to get used to it. We've been thinking about it our whole lives. They've spent theirs picturing something different in mind for the both of us." Jeff offered a supportive smile and a playful flick of his tail.

Kevin knew he was right, of course. But a part of him was tired of waiting for the rest of the world to catch up to the realization that his personal life choices didn't affect anyone but him. So what if he was legally a horse and not a wolf? What difference would it make if he was? The entire thing just irritated him. "I guess."

"Things will be fine," he said. The stallion smiled at his partner, giving him a gentle snort of air from his muzzle. "I promise."

"You'll be with me the whole time?" Kevin asked, his ears pointing up.

"Of course. And if you need me to rescue you, just squeeze my hand under the table, okay?" He wrapped his arm around him. "We'll call it our emergency signal."

"Okay," Kevin replied. He had a feeling he would be squeezing Jeff's hand quite a bit that night.

Their ears perked up as the door to the basement opened. "You decent? Mom says dinner's almost ready."

"Thanks, Topher," Kevin replied, getting to his hooves. "I guess we'd better go before mom sends a search party."

"After you, my handsome horse." Following behind, the two horses made their way up the stairs.

Smells of food wafted in from the kitchen. No doubt his mother had gone all out cooking a fantastic meal for her husband's birthday. She had made all the traditional wolven dishes. Of course a lot of them were based on meat, but there were a few vegetable based dishes here and there.

Kevin's parents were already seated, with his brother placing the last couple of dishes on the table before taking a seat himself. Pulling a chair out for his boyfriend, he sat quietly beside him. He could tell the large number of wolven dishes made Jeff a little uncomfortable, but to his credit he hid it well. If he was being honest, some of the smells did make his mouth water a bit, but he knew that if he tried any of his childhood favorites, it would invite comment from his parents, especially his father.

Reaching for the tray of hayburgers, he pulled one aside for Jeff and took another for himself. He noticed his dad watching him and sheepishly put the plate back where it had been.

"So, how are things in New York?" his mother asked.

"They're good, work is steady, and I like my job. We work with a lot of different companies to distribute products through the region," Kevin replied proudly.

"Is this a horse company?" his dad asked.

Uncertain how to respond, Kevin stayed silent.

His mother attempted to divert the conversation in another direction. "Does that matter, honey?"

"Well, I just want to know what kind of people our son is involved with, is all." He gestured towards Jeff.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Kevin asked, tossing his fork down more forcefully than he had intended.

Mr. Wilshire paused a moment. "I'm just asking a question."

"No you're not," Kevin replied.

Jeff attempted to play peacemaker, holding a hand on his boyfriend's arm. "Kevin, it's okay."

"No, it isn't. I'm tired of people trying to do everything they can to deny us the right to exist. I expected it somewhere else, but I'd hoped you'd be better." Kevin stood up.

His mother held up her paw trying to urge him to sit. "Your father didn't mean anything."

"I think dad's old enough to speak for himself, mom." Kevin stared at him. "He clearly has something to say."

Mr. Wilshire stared at his son for a moment, and then growled. "All right, fine. I want to know what this is all about."

"All what?" Kevin asked.

"This! This playacting you're doing." He gestured at his muzzle shaper, altered ears, and horse tail. "I want to know why you gave up everything I gave you for this." The room fell silent. Topher, wisely, chose to stay out of it.

"This is not about you, dad," Kevin said.

"Oh no?" he asked. "Then what is it about?" He glared at him with clear disappointment. "I raised a wolf, not a horse. Now I don't have anything against them but why would you give up your claws and your pack for this?" He grabbed his wrist and stared down at his hoof tipped fingers.

Kevin looked at him sadly. "I never gave up my pack, dad. You and mom and Topher still matter to me, in every way. I'm still your son, but what I'm not is what you wanted me to be."

His mother offered him an encouraging smile. "Keep talking, son."

"I wasn't happy being a wolf. I looked in the mirror every day and I saw something else. Something that wasn't me. I pretended, for a long time. Not because I felt the call of the moon but because it was easier blending in than trying to be who I was." He sighed. "I was a wolf because that's what everyone expected. But I always felt more myself when I was with Jeff." He looked towards the chestnut stallion with a huge smile. "He made me realize I wasn't a wolf inside." A pause. "And that I didn't have to be what everyone expected of me."

Jeff smiled, taking his hands. "The real you was already in there. I just helped you bring it out."

Kevin touched his hands to Jeff's and interlaced their fingers. The two touched their noses and gently whinnied. "Dad, I don't regret anything you did for me, but you just have to understand this is what makes me happy."

"I have to, do I?" he asked.

"That's not what I meant."

Mr. Wilshire growled. "Then what did you mean? I'm sorry I'm having such a hard time understanding this but I just don't get it. Putting on hoof boots and a fake tail doesn't make you something else." His wife offered a pleading expression for him to calm down, but the damage was already done.

Kevin turned away from his father. "This was a mistake. I think we should go."

Jeff looked helplessly at Mrs. Wilshire before moving to follow his partner.

"Kevin!" his mom called, but he was already on his way to the basement door. He did not listen to the arguing that followed, hearing his parents shout from the kitchen. Thankfully once the door closed it was muffled enough that he could not tell what they were saying.

Kevin made his way down to the basement and collapsed on the couch, throwing his head back with a heavy sigh. "Well, that went well."

"It could have gone better," Jeff agreed.

"We can change our flight and be back home tomorrow afternoon," Kevin said.

Jeff took a seat beside him. "Why don't we just wait a little while?" He placed his hand on his leg.

"I can't stay in this house, not after that." He looked at his hoof tipped fingers, knowing they were gloves but still finding comfort in their equine appearance. "Am I not a real horse?" He looked down at his hooves. "You know, I used to ask myself all the time if I was stallion enough."

It was a common question among trans species individuals. The question as to whether or not they were worthy to be what they wanted to be, or if they deserved it enough, as if it was a matter of merit. Some wondered if their feelings were real or just some delusion that had filtered into their brains. No matter how one came to the decision, there was always that question as to whether they were ready to take that first step and find out.

Some people avoided it out of fear. People's views on species had come a long way since his parents were young, with most people viewing it as more of a spectrum and less as one or the other. But even still there were always those stories in the news about trans species individuals and things that sometimes made you wonder if it was even safe to leave the house in the morning.

He'd known it was going to take some time, but given what had just happened he was forced to confront the possibility that reconciling his new identity with his parents might not be possible. His mother had been very accepting, and his brother at least had been trying. A part of him wanted to cut his dad a little slack, but how many times would he have to make compromises for other people's resistance to accept who he really was?

"You're as real a horse as I am." Jeff massaged his shoulder in that way he always did, somehow making him calmer and soothing his worries all at the same time. "If you want to go, we'll go. But I think you should give this a little more time."

Staring at his suitcase in the corner, he let out a deep sigh. "I don't know what another night is going to accomplish."

The door to the basement opened, and at the top stood his mother. "May I come down?"

Jeff, offering him a knowing smile, called up to her. "We're decent, Mrs. Wilshire."

Descending the stairs with one paw on the railing, she offered an apologetic smile. "I must offer my sincerest regrets for what my husband said up there. He's a good wolf but sometimes he has a hard time getting used to a changing world. Now I know that's no excuse, but I had a good talk with him, and he wants to try to make it up to you, if you'll give him a chance."

Kevin sighed and looked at Jeff. "What do you think?"

Jeff shrugged. "I can't tell you what to do, but you only get one family. It seems like if there's even a shot to try and work it out, it's worth the attempt."

"All right, send him down," Kevin said.

Mrs. Wilshire walked over to give each of them a hug, and then smiled at her son. "I love you, Kevin."

"Love you too, mom." He smiled and watched her head up towards the top of the stairs.

His pointed ears caught her last comment to her husband as she walked by. "Don't screw this up."

Looking contrite and rather apologetic, his father slowly made his way down the steps to the basement where he and his father had spent many weekends together. Ever since he was a cub, his dad had always been his friend and his mentor, teaching him all about the world around him and looking forward to the day when he would marry a good wolfess and carry on the family traditions. Although he had known that some things would change when he became a horse, he had never considered how much would have changed from his father's point of view. He supposed it was why so many people had family that refused to accept their transition. It asked a lot of everyone involved, and truly tested the bonds of a family. Some were willing to learn and evolve, while others simply couldn't.

His dad walked up to the pair and exhaled, his ears flat and lowered in a lupine gesture of shame. He looked up to meet Kevin's eyes and opened his muzzle. "I..." He started, and then stopped. "I'm sorry." He paced the length of the couch. "I know I shouldn't have said those things up there. Your mom told me what an utter bastard I was being, and I have no excuse. I guess I just wasn't as prepared as I thought I was to meet the new you. I grew up in a very traditional household. You know that. Back when I was a pup the world was a lot simpler. Or maybe we just didn't talk about things like that. But just because I grew up in a different world doesn't mean I can't learn some new tricks. You're my son, and I love you. That part won't ever change. I just... Might need some help getting to know the new you."

"I love you too, dad," he said, and he meant it, sensing his father's genuine effort. The elder Wilshire shifted awkwardly and rubbed the back of his neck with a paw before he extended it to his son. "Pleasure to meet you, son."

Taking it in his hand, he shook it in return. "Nice to meet you too, dad."

He smiled politely. "So why don't you tell me all about the new you. What's it like being a horse? What brought this out?"

"I'm sure that there'll be time for all this later, but I think right now we should go back upstairs while the food is still warm," Jeff said, ushering the two of them towards the stairs.

Mr. Wilshire led the way back up the stairs towards the ground floor. "You've got a smart boyfriend," he said.

Kevin nodded. "I really do." He squeezed his hand before continuing up the rest of the steps. Arriving at the kitchen table, his mother and brother had fixed everyone's plates, waiting for them, no doubt.

Mrs. Wilshire smiled. "I knew you two could work it out."

Kevin took his seat once again. "We're not quite there yet, but we're working on it, I think."

She smiled, her eyes misty with moisture at the sight of her family gathering around the table. Even Jeff earned a warm hug as she passed his chair on the way to her own. "So why don't you tell us all about you two? We've got so much to catch up on."

Jeff grinned, seizing the opportunity. "Well, we're thinking about moving in together pretty soon. Prices are decent in our area and he and I could save money by splitting the bills."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Mr. Wilshire asked. "You know moving in is a big step, even if you've been dating for a long time it's the kind of thing that can get real complicated if you're not prepared."

Kevin picked up his hayburger and took a bit. Once he had swallowed, he shrugged. "We've been dating for a few years and we talked about it a lot, and I think it's worth a try. We know there'll be some adjustments, but I think we're ready."

"Make sure you talk about all the responsibilities beforehand, even if you don't think it's important," his mother offered. "It's a lot easier to figure it out than to have to argue about it later."

"We will, mom," Kevin promised.

"If you need any money, your dad and I can always help you out." Mrs. Wilshire smiled as she leaned back in her chair.

"Did I ever tell you about our first apartment?" he asked.

Topher groaned. "Oh, no, not that story again."

"Hey, if not for that apartment neither of you would even be here," he replied, earning an eyeroll from his eldest son. "Now back when your mother and I were first starting out, we found this little apartment in Brooklyn..." As his dad told the story, Kevin smiled and felt Jeff's presence at his side as he eagerly listened to every detail. In between stories Kevin spoke to his father about his transition and how he became a horse, showing him his hoof boots and teaching him about how equines interacted with each other.

His entire family listened attentively as he answered their questions, reassuring them that no matter how stupid they thought it might be, that this was how people learned. He spoke about how happy it made him and how much it had changed his life since he embraced what he had always been too afraid to voice until Jeff had given him the courage.

Dinner was filled with questions and conversation, and at the end of the night as they settled into bed, Kevin rested his head on the pillow, grateful that he had been given a second chance to know his family. Though they still had a ways to go, the conversation had been started, and that had made all the difference.