Regrets
Forgiveness starts not with forgetting, overlooking, or getting through something. Forgiveness begins with yourself. I learned that lesson the hard way. You see, sometimes the person who has to forgive you can't. Not because they don't want to, but because they are literally incapable either through the emotional inability or death.
The cancer had spread. We knew it would. Kyle's entire family had died from one cancer or another. It was bad enough that genetic studies were being done and most of the remainder of his family have refused to ever have children. Kyle, of course, was just gay.
Six months ago the doctor's told us that we had at least another several years. The doctor was a professional, he dealt with cancers worse than Kyle's all the time. We believed him. Six months later we were staring at him, mouths agape.
"I-I've never seen cancer spread like this." The doctor seemed more upset that his prediction was wrong. He sat down and said, "Two years, at least, I said. Now... maybe six months, but if this thing spreads like it did" He looked up then, first to Kyle, then to me. "If we treat it aggressively, we might still get two years."
Kyle was trembling in my arms and I gave him a gentle squeeze. He wrapped his arms around my own and squeezed hard, like a death grip. "I-- Doctor, I watched my entire family go through this. No, I won't go through it. I can't. My Dad went through to try and be with my Mom longer, as did my Aunt. Neither had a quality of life I would ever want. No..." He turned and looked at me with sad, determined eye.
I gulped and nodded, giving him an additional squeeze. The Doctor nodded and stood. "Well, it's your choice, of course. Stop by the desk on your way out and schedule an appointment in two months and we'll check the progression." He stood and left, his fuzzy tail swaying as he walked. He'd be cute if he hadn't just told me that my love would soon be dead.
I didn't know how soon. Or how.
Two weeks passed in numb silence. Our love making had taken a harsh, almost demanding tone. It was as though we wanted to cram in every second we would miss with each other. Each time got rougher than the last, until one day...
I pushed him hard against the wall, both of us panting. My little foxy was quivering with need and excitement. Our arousals ground against each other through out pants. Our lips crushed together and our tongues danced a mad ballet in our mouths. His paws were under my shirt, digging his claws deep into my back, and I could feel my blood oozing from the wounds. I shuddered as the pain fueled desire further. I reached back and pulled his paw to my front and pressed it against throbbing need.
"I want inside you... now" I said, my voice husky with the intense need to fill him.
Wonder filled his eyes. It was the same wonder he had every time he could feel my love, my passion for him there in my pants or in his paw. That paw slipped into my pants and sent a warm shudder through my body as his cool paw wrapped around my aching member and gently rubbed it. "I-I want it in me.. Oh, Meaux..." He slid my pants down and I didn't need any further answer.
Our bodies slammed together as I pushed him hard against the wall again. My fingers fumbled with his pants, working to loosen them and get them off, or at least down. He pushed them down hard, freeing his member to bounce against our bellies, but it wasn't his cock that I wanted.
I turned him then and lifted him so that everything would line up. My chest held him to the wall as my cock wedged between his cheeks and I could actually feel his little picker quivering for me. He wanted it as bad as I did.
Using one arm around his middle to secure him, the other guided my needy cock to his pucker. I kissed his neck and shoulder, loving how it made him shudder and tremble so. I once made him cum just from that alone. Then I bit down hard, breaking the skin and freeing the life's essence to flood my maw. At that same instant, I applied pressure to my hips, forcing my cock inside inch by inch.
His body shook from the complex feelings I was giving it, and a quiet moan escaped his throat, "Oh... Meaux... Gods Meaux" The way he was calling my name made my mind whirl with the sheer need to mate him hard, to thrust deep and take him as my bitch, but I held back. He was more than that, and I was using my body to tell him so.
I growled as I felt his welcoming body accept me. Nothing, nothing could ever compare to the pleasure I felt when I was inside of him. For those brief moments, Kyle and I were one: a hybrid of fox and cat that made the world disappear, hurts evaporate. Everything was all right as long as I was inside of him. When my hips pressed into his rump, I released his neck to lick his ear and whisper, "God, Kyle. You're still so tight"
I took his paw in my own as the rough fucking changed into something more. I pulled back slowly, savoring the intense sensations he was giving me, and I him. When my barbs scraped over his prostate, I felt the tell tale spasm that his body always awarded me with. The sudden tightness made the pleasure that much more intense and my body sang with the need for release.
"H-hard... oh, Baby... give it to me hard"
His plaintive whine, so endearing and wonderful,drove me on to do just as he wanted. I thrust in as hard as I could, my powerful thighs thrusting inside his needy hole and knocking him hard into the wall. I bounced off his lovely rump and pulled back, making my next thrust angle down into his prostate.
"Ah... oh GODS... there... HARD right there!"
I bit his neck again and tasted his coppery blood in my maw again. The taste drove me wild with desire for him. It was intoxicating, invigourating. I could, literally, drink from him all day, sex or no. Having found his spot, I jack hammered into it. The little foxy, my foxy, started to squirm against the wall and I knew that he was mine.
I picked up the pace further. I could actually feel him knocking into the wall, but his slutty little moans drove me on. He craved the pain, just as I craved giving it to him. Harder and harder still, my cock ploughed inside, stretching his insides and ramming his prostate.
His scream brought me back from the sea of peasure I was living in, seconds before his body clenched hard. I released the bite in time for a scream of my own to tear through my throat, high pitched and nasal as cats are wont to be. Pleasure raced down my cock, through my prostate, and arced up into my brain. My vision whited out as the sheer pleasure overrode everything else. I gave a final thrust, fulfilling the primal need to be as deep as possible and breed the little bitch in my arms.
Our screams combined into a cacuaphony so lovely that my ears rang when we were done. As I started to come down, I gulped for breath, as did he. Neither of us actually had the energy to move, so we just laid there, letting the wall do the work of holding us up.
"That... that was incredible." I heard. It took a moment for my sex addled brain to comprehend what he said.
"Yes.. yes it was"
"If I died right now... I'd be the happiest fur on Earth"
I felt a sharp pang at those words. I doubt he meant them that way, but that's how they hit. They were a reminder of the pain I'd put off with our love making, and the crushing weight of it threatened to crush me. For him, I remained strong and stayed right where I was. "Me too" I said, and meant it. I didn't want to live without him.
Slowly, I disengaged. I wasn't all that surpised to see that I was still hard. I'm a cat, after all, and cats make up for what we lack in endurance with the ability to go again and again. This being our third time that day, I like to think I've made my ancestors proud.
Once loose, I scooped him into my arms and I carried him to the couch. Once settled, I pulled the blanket off the back and covered us over. Snuggled safely, I began to purr and forget, if only a moment.
"Babe... y-you're still in to snuff, right?" But only for a moment.
"Watching, yeah"
He turned in my arms to face me. "Wh-what do you think of snuffing .. me?"
I hated it. "I couldn't do that, Babe..I need you too much" And I kissed him, but he didn't respond. Instead, he thought for a moment.
"You know we've filled out the paper work" Ah, the bureaucracy. "And even filed it. Doesn't mean we ever have to use it"
He rested his head on my chest and pressed his ear to listen to my heart beat. "I want to though. I don't want to die, but, well, I'd rather die on my terms, you know? "
I did, and, as much as I hated to admit it, I would want the same. "H-how would you like to go..."
He gulped and thought a minute. "I-I think a knife to the heart would be poetic"
"Why's that?"
"Because I know that it would make your heart hurt to snuff me. It would be poetic for us both to feel pain there"
That's Kyle... always poetic, and almost always right. I nodded. "Okay" That was all I could say. He had me, and the throbbing I was starting to feel proved it.
"So" He looked up at me with wild eyes. "You'll do it?"
I nodded slowly, glumly. "Yeah... I don't want to, but if you want me to, I will. When?"
He gulped and I saw real panic in his eyes. "Can we do it now?"
My heart hammered in my chest as adrenaline flooded my senses. Now? Could I really snuff my love just like that? Yet at the same time, could I sentence him to his remaining days of pain? What if we lost heart? What if we changed our minds? No, he was right, it had to be now. I gulped. "I-I suppose we can"
He smiled and kissed me briefly before his got up. "Okay... we'll need a blanket and the knife... " He took off and I was left sitting there. The panic in him had turned to excitement. I was still in shock, but HE knew what to do, as he throbbed between my legs, gravity pulling my eight inch shaft down.
I smiled. "At least someone's looking forward to this" It kicked and all I could do was chuckle. Not like it had a mind of its own, but my hind brain knew what it wanted, and it wanted this. I found Kyle naked, setting up in the kitchen. The knife he had was his favorite: A long two-edged dagger with a leather hilt. He was rather proud of the thing. Paw forged just for him at some carnival. I stripped out of my remaining clothes and took the handsome blade in my paw. It's hefty weight felt good there, solid, and I knew I would need that in the moments to come.
Once all was ready, the blanket was spread on the linoleum floor. I sank down to my knees and said, "So... what position do you want, Foxy"
He gulped and fidgeted with his tail. "Umm... can we do it missionary? I want to watch your face as you snuff me."
I nodded and he laid down on his back. I settled over him and braced with my free paw. Gently, I drug the blade down he front, "You like that?"
He nodded and wrapped his arms around my neck. "This is going to be the best love making ever! I can't wait to be fucked to death by you"
That made me smile and I lined back up. I pressed my tip against his entrance and smiled. "Are you sure about this? Once I start, there's no turning back"
He gulped and nodded. "Just... go slow okay? I want the whole thing drawn it. I only get to do this once, you know?"
I nodded and leaned down. I felt him shift and wrap his legs around my waist, bringing us closer. I drew the blade down his side, letting the tip get it's first taste of him. My lips pressed to his and I turned my head, wanting to get as much contact as I could. Our lips parted and our tongue slid into the space between, rubbing, tasting, loving. I adored his taste. He always tasted of mint, and I loved mint.
Slowly, I eased inside. I could feel each row of barbs pop as they went inside, and he moaned from the feeling of being taken so slowly. I needed him then. I needed him more than ever. I realized then, that it was his strength that kept me going, his love that made my days worth it. And so, I drove inside with one steady, gentle push.
I broke the kiss to stare into his eyes. By most fur's standards, his eyes were brown, uninteresting, dull, but I could lose myself in them. My hips made contact and I pulled back just a little bit faster than I went in. He moaned, eyes closed and breath shallow. "Ooh... so full.. Baby... you fill me...fulfill me..."
I cupped the back of his neck and felt the heavy weight of the dagger then, knowing our time was near. He drove hard, using the shock to feel his body clench around me. His back arched as his pleasure spiked along with my own. "Fuck... so tight." I murmered.
His claws scored my back for the last time, digging deep his pleasure began to claim him. I angled my hips, wanting this to last, wanting to make love as long as possible despite my heritage. I tried to go slow, but his moans and whimpers begged me to go faster, harder, deeper, and I had to. God help me, I had to. Not only was it what he wanted, but it just felt too good.
I rested my forehead to his own and rested the dagger on his chest. I wanted to remind him of what was coming, to reduce the shock of it when it came. His eyes locked onto my own and I wanted it then. My heart swung from reluctant to desirous, for the simple lust I saw in his eyes.
I picked up the pace and ground hard against his prostate. I relished the sensation of his body clenching around me as our near silent love making continued. The pleasure was intense, primal, and simply amazing. I had no idea... none at all. Then I felt his small paw in my own.
Our eyes met, and I knew: it was time. Together, we positioned the blade beneath his sternum, angled up at his heart. I felt my heart beat kick up a notch as I began to push. He gulped as the blade began to sink in. "R-remember...slow..."
I nodded. "I remember, Baby. We'll take it slow" Those words reminded me of our first time together so long ago. He said those same words to me when I took his virginity at 16, over a decade ago. And I made a similar promise. We'd been stupid kids then, and I'd hurt hi then just as I would now. This time, though, there would be no apologies afterwards.
My love making became more manic then as I felt the blade penetrate. His cock throbbed between us, leaking a steady stream of his pre. His knot was full and hard, and I just wanted to grab it one last time. But I couldn't, not with my paws full and busy. So I endeavered to make him cum the other way.
His body grew taught as I thrust in hard. The knife sliced through muscle and sinew. I kissed him in one last, desperate kiss as our bodies reached for climax. Our tongues intertwined as I picked up the pace, thrusting in hard and fast. I tried to slow the progress of the blade, but his own paw kept it in steady motion. Suddenly, it was there! His eyes widened as his ultimate arousal kicked in. His back arched hard as his small frame locked up tight. The instant I felt his sphincter clench I drove the blade home at the same time as my cock. My hips crashed into his rump just in time for my own orgasm to trigger. I felt his heart beat hard against the knife as it slid home.
I broke the kiss and pulled back to see his beautiful face. Surprise, pain, love, lust... all these things and so much more clouded his vision. I could feel his heart tearing itself to shreds around the blade. He whimpered as he relaxed, shuddering in the ultimate agony. Just as I was starting to come down, my balls finally emptied, his body began to relax. It was slow at first, as he'd had me in a death grip.
His eyes slowly faded and his pupils locked wide. I could feel his heart shuttering against the knife. I twisted it savagely to end it, and he gave a final shudder. I expected him to go limp, but the process remained slow as his body tried to carry on just a little bit longer, just another few minutes ...
I stroked his beautiful face, feeling his life end there in my arms. Tears began to leak from my eyes as he passed. "There... the p-pain..." I couldn't say it. I couldn't finish it. It was done. He was dead, and the crushing weight of the guilt I had crashed home even harder than the orgasm we had just shared. My cock shriveled up and popped out at the same time that his legs flopped to the ground.
I gathered him to me then, and sobbed there on the kitchen floor. Rocking his little, lifeless body, I bathed him in my tears and sorrow, letting the ache in my heart, the crushing emptiness free to roam. I had nothing left. He was my everything, and, I realized then, my mistake in not joining him. Something I planned to fix.. soon.