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I look at the cheap alarm clock next to me on the nightstand. 4:13 in the morning, and I'm awake, my mind wrestling itself out of dreams.

I'm thinking about him again. Damn it, does he have to be the first thing that comes to mind? My memory replays the scene, over and over: The two of us, alone, bearing our souls to each other, smiling, comfortable, at ease... holding each other all night long. True, there was no sex, but sex would have ruined that night. We shared something deeper than bodily fluids.

Or so I thought.

He was with Victor now. The two of them made quite a pair, I had to admit. Lex brought Victor to life in a way he wasn't before. Victor gave Lex everything he wanted from him. And Lex's desires were quite simple to fulfill.

Who would have guessed they'd end up together, when they'd gotten off to such an awful start? Victor had used him to try and make me jealous. It was bloody fucked up, although I didn't chastise him too much. After all, Lex also used him, in a way. He wanted to get some action, and he didn't seem to care who it was from. So the closet asshole and not-so-closeted whore were a pair now. Good for them.

I rub the sleep from my eyes and gulp down the remainder of my whiskey sour.

Of course, I couldn't bring myself to hate them. Victor is one of my oldest friends. Lex has a good heart. And they probably think I'm just as messed up.

If Lex really wanted me so much, why didn't he ever say so? It's always Eliza telling me he's with the wrong guy, that we were meant to be together. He knows how closely I guard myself. He knew what an exception I made for him that night. And I know he felt my attraction pressed up against his perky little butt. But he said nothing. Did nothing. And he left the next day like nothing happened, like he wasn't the first person I've held like that in years. He never thanks me for my good advice, either, although I've come to expect that. People hate being told what they ought to do, even when they ask for it. Even if they have no idea what they're doing, all they really want is to hear you say, "Yes, that's a wonderful thing you've got there; I'd do the same, were I in your shoes. You're so lucky you never make bad choices."

I smile to myself. That's one train of thought I have in common with Ian and Eliza. They're smart and responsible. I hope they shack up soon. It'd be nice to hang out with them in their flat.

Instead I'm restless on a tired old mattress in a motel room.

Bloody hell. I need to pee.

I flick the light switch and hop out of bed. As I stand there pissing, I wish that my feelings for Lex would leave my body right along with it. I want to rid my system of his waste, the waste of my time and emotion. He never really felt anything genuine for me. He's with Victor, and he's happy about it. It doesn't matter what Eliza says. He's lost to me. Maybe someday in the distant future he'll realize what he could have had....

I shake my member dry. Still imagining my romantic interest in Lex as my urine, I bid it a fond farewell as I flush.

I guess it's partially my fault. I do tend to hold people at arm's length. I broke Victor's heart because I didn't want to endanger our friendship. My own heart, meanwhile, is still as broken as it ever was. That's why I'm here, right?

I size up my naked body in the mirror. I study the definition of my torso and flex my arms a bit. I watch the interconnected musculature undulate from my fingertips to my toes. This is what people love about me--this body that takes an hour of working out every day to maintain. I think again of quitting exercise, of quitting the team, of letting myself go. Become a round-faced butterball with bad skin. How many people would still like me then, when my personality is all I have?

My guess is none. But there's the money, too. I could look like moldy regurgitated black pudding and people would still pretend to adore me, hoping for a paycheck. I sigh and head back to bed. I just need to think about something other than Lex, and then I can sleep.

I round the corner to see that my trick for the night is awake, too. I don't even know his name.

He's kind of cute: a bright-eyed blonde wallaby with an endearing Aussie accent. Nice smile, laughs a lot. He's got a good-sized cock that's not too big, and a smooth, tight little tail-hole. He fell asleep almost as soon as we were done; I chose not to kick him out. The room's paid for until noon anyway.

He yawns and stretches, half-sat up in the covers. "Hey, uh--" The look of embarrassment I'm all too familiar with, where he realizes he never asked for my name, either. "Ya comin' back to bed?"

"Yup." I slide in next to him.

"Good." He turns to one side and pulls my arm over him, forcing us to spoon.

Immediately I recoil. "I don't think we need to be this close," I stammer as I pull away.

He flips over again and looks at me in the eyes. "Wow, man. Someone sure did a number on you."

I don't say anything. I can't argue with him. I've been through shit nobody here knows but Lex. Not that he cares. And yeah, maybe it fucked me up a little.

"So what's the plan, then?" he asks. "Let me sleep here, wake up and get me to polish off your morning wood--then, 'see ya' as you kick me out?"

"That's how it usually works."

"Asshole." He pulls the covers over himself completely and turns away.

I turn the lights out again.

"Look, chap... I'm sorry. You're cute, and seem nice. But I'm dealing with a lot of baggage."

His voice rolls out soft and low, muffled by the blankets. "Big fuckin' deal, mate. We've all got baggage, none of it pretty. We've all been hurt by somebody sometime. Are you gonna spend your life running from that pain, or are you gonna be brave enough to chase your happiness?"

I start to answer, but he cuts me off.

"Don't answer me now... Think on it. I have my phone set to go off at 10 AM. You stay on your side of the bed 'til then, and I'll be out of your life forever. You decide I'm worth the risk, just pull the covers off and spoon me. Your happiness, your choice. You know how to hold someone, right?"

I'm ever so grateful the dark and his back to me prevent him from seeing my face.

"Yes... yes, I know how to hold someone close to me."

"Good. G'night."

And I'll be damned if he doesn't fall asleep almost immediately again. Cocky son of a bitch. Or was that wisdom?

I lie there in the black for an indeterminate length of time. I don't look at the clock, or the window, or him, although his words are on a loop in my head. I don't really look at anything but the darkness that engulfs me.

Eventually Morpheus calls me again. I'll be asleep soon.

"Good night, Lex," I whisper to the air, and to the nothingness.

I turn to the stranger in bed beside me, the one who spoke so little, but said so much.

Maybe, I think, this time is different.