Hell Hounds
"Dying sucks. I just want to start off by saying that. And dying by falling out of the twenty-first floor of a building makes it suck so much more. I always wanted to quit that job. Just wanted to waltz out the front door. That company was corrupt as Hell.
"How did I know this with crystal-clear certainty? Well, I didn't. Not a hundred percent, anyway. Not until my ass-hat of a boss duct taped me to my office chair and pushed me toward the window. I'll never forget that fucker laughing at me as the glass broke and I fell.
"Twenty-one stories is just long enough. Enough for what? Well, it's just long enough to realize: hey, I'm fucked; and there's nothing that I can do about it. Dying sucks. But realizing that you're dying -- helplessly realizing that you're dying... God dammit that sucks so much more.
"And the fucked up part? I hit the ground. I felt exactly what it's like to die. I can't even describe to you the pain. Words are a fucking joke at this point. I felt exactly what it's like to die. And dying sucks. But I didn't die when I fell. So I get to feel that same shitty feeling again someday. Halle-fucking-lujah."
The monkey took the last draw from his cigarette and tossed it. That last puff didn't quite give him what he was looking for, but shit, what can you do?
"So, you fell twenty stories, tied to a chair," the shortest otter asked, twitching his whiskers, "and then you wake up here sitting at this table?"
"You got it," the primate nodded, firing up another full-flavored nicotine dispensing unit.
"Well," the tallest otter chimed in, "the four of us? We all got shot, then mummied up in plastic wrap, and shoved into the boots of four nasty as fuck automobiles. Finally, said cars were driven into the canal. But go right on ahead bitching like a little baby."
The golden-furred tiger finally held up his hefty paw. He took his time in standing up from his fancy leather chair. When he was fully upright, he looked to be around seven feet tall.
"Now that you've all revealed how you've gotten here," the tiger clasped his palms together. "We can start to address the matter of why you are here."
The tiger looked across the table. The four otters and the monkey were all gathered around a thick, oak and (more than likely) expensive-as-fuck table. On said table were five scotch glasses full of cold water, an ashtray, and a lone white carnation in a clear glass vase. Everything else in the office was dark. Black, brown, slate, gray... The tiger thought the flower would be a nice touch, but his guests could all but stare at him as his bright fur was accentuated by the overhead fluorescent light.
"N-none of us rightly know why we're here," one of the otters squeaked. "...Sir."
"Lucky day!" the feline grinned and breathed out in his low and rumbling voice. "I know exactly why you are all here. And I would just love telling you, but I do have some things that need doing and I..."
"Listen!" the tallest otter pounded his clenched paws on the meeting table, standing up and exclaiming. "Are you trying to muscle us around? Trying to get us to do your dirty work in exchange for information? What's to stop us from just leaving..."
"Go," the tiger purred. "You may not remember how you got here, but I'm sure you can find the door just fine. I'm merely giving you a chance to do something new. Something exciting. But if you'd rather go back to what you were doing before I brought you here, then by all means..."
The room fell silent. One of the otters was stroking his chin fur, another was staring at the flower in the middle of the table. The monkey starting tapping his finger on the arm of his chair.
"Count me in," the walnut-shell colored primate murmured, rubbing the spent butt of his cigarette into the clear dish next to him.
"Yeah," the tallest otter glared at the smirking tiger.
"Us too," the other, slightly-tubby mustelid chuckled. The rest nodded their responses. "We're in."
"Well now I'm just tickled pink," the broad shouldered feline's fingers made a popping sound as he stretched them out one paw at a time.
"I assume we're not picking up groceries for your gran," a sighing otter remarked.
"No," the big cat rasped, nearly whispering. "You're going to kill people. Lots and lots of people."
"Hate to break it to you, mister," another otter objected. "But we ain't exactly the murderin' type. Not that I wouldn't, but I don't think we are really cut out for..."
"I'll give you all of the things you require," the tiger interrupted. "You'll be an efficient task force in no time."
"A task force, eh?" the monkey pursed his lips, thinking. "Then we'll need a kick-ass name. Y'know, to instill a sense of fear into our adversaries."
"What are you..." an otter started, before being cut short.
"Hell Hounds," the primate blurted out. "We'll be called 'Hell Hounds'."
"Uh," a river-dweller rolled his tongue across his teeth while he thought of how to phrase his next statement, "none of us are canines, genius. Don't be such a dim..."
"Hell Hounds it is," the golden-furred host took a sip of water from his glass. "Now to bestow upon you a few gifts."
"For you," he pointed to the monkey, "I grant you the ability to chew through anything -- anything -- without ill effect." He handed the primate his now-empty glass and traced an imaginary line from it to the macaque's lips, who licked the glass timidly before starting to nibble on it. Sure enough, in just a few bites, the glass was gone.
"And I shall be Monkeymuch, the greatest hero of the bunch!" the primate exclaimed. He wiped his face with the back of his fuzzy arm.
"Okay..." the tiger agreed. "But I'll handle the names from here on out. Deal?"
Monkeymunch nodded quickly before gulping down his own water. Then he devoured the glass whole.
"You will be Illuminotter," the well-dressed feline gestured with his open paw. "You will be my liason. All I have to do is but think of you, and you will hear my voice as if I were talking right next to you..."
"...and your second gift... You can now create light even in complete darkness just by concentrating on either of your paws. Illuminate three times if you understand," the tiger spoke directly to Illuminotter without ever opening his mouth.
The otter did as he was instructed and formed two blue-white balls of light around each clenched fist. "I'm like a flashlight, you guys! That's useful!"
"Next is Assuminotter," the golden one revealed, pointing to the next otter at the table. "You will know the exact question to ask in any situation. Go ahead and try it out."
"These powers are supposed to help us become your own personal hitmen?" Assuminotter inquired.
"Yes," the next otter in line answered as the tiger grinned widely.
"Your new name is Why-I-Otter," the feline explained to the now-confused mustelid. "You will always have the answer to any question that Assuminotter asks. You two will work as a team to become some of the best problem-solvers known to history!"
"And finally," the tiger nodded to the last otter, "you will be Terminotter. Your punches are deadly."
"Fuckin' cool!" the newly-christened Terminotter looked down at his fists and chuckled.
"Now go, my Hell Hounds," the feline instructed. "There's a corner shop two blocks from my office. I'll give my instructions via Illuminotter once you're there."
"Props on all of the otter-names, boss," Monkeymunch asked as everybody started standing up. "But, what are we supposed to call you?"
"Boss?" the tiger scoffed. "No. Bleh. I hate that. Besides, I already told you my codename. I'm Tickled Pink. And you boys best make your leave before I show you my how my superpower works."
The new team wordlessly left the meeting room, entering a long hallway.
"Hell Hounds..." Terminotter trailed off. "Do you think that we died and went to Hell, Monkeymunch? And that tiger in there is Belzybub Satan Lucyfur Almighty?"
"That was just the first name that popped into my head," the monkey answered. "But, it would be wicked if we were really the devil's hitmen."
"And how did he give us these abilities?" Assuminotter wondered aloud. They turned the corner toward the exit sign and saw a young rhino girl at a desk, her cell phone pressed against her face.
"He put something in our water," Why-I-Otter replied, he was taken aback at the words that left his muzzle. "But how in the fuck did I know that?"
"Your power," Illuminotter grinned, chuckling. "That bastard has got some explainin' to do once we're done. But for now, we do this. We're getting a fresh beginning, and I intend to make the best of it."
"Evenin' missus," Why-I-Otter politely nodded and smiled to the pretty secretary. She glanced up, examining each of the Hell Hounds as they passed. Her eyes were wet with tears, and her hands were trembling.
"Good luck," the rhino sniffled. "All of you. And thank you..." She turned her head again to sob into her phone.
Terminotter swung the door open, spreading out his arms to let the cool autumn air sweep through his fur.
"Hold up a minute, mates. I know where we are," Why-I-Otter scanned the sidewalk, waving to a passing couple as they made their way past.
"This is that little clinic where they fix up collision victims, right?" Monkeymunch said as he also recognized his surroundings. "My office building's not five minutes from here..."
"Wait, wait," Illuminotter interrupted. "What the Hell happened to us to make us wake up in a surgeon's office?"
"If those bogans killed us when they pushed us into the river," Terminotter grunted, "then I will be more than a little miffed off."
"Do you really think we're all dead?" Monkeymunch gulped. "Look, let's just drop this. I don't wanna think about it any more. Let's just go kill some fuckers."
"Are we sure this is what we should be doing?" Assuminotter gripped the monkey on the shoulder and looked him straight in the face.
"Yes," Why-I-Otter answered, slowly nodding his head. "We're supposed to do this."
"Alright then," Illuminotter rubbed his paws together. "We're almost there, now we just wait for..."
"Open your mouth," the tiger spoke telepathically as they reached the corner shop, just like clockwork. "That way everybody can hear me."
The otter ran his tongue over his lips before opening his muzzle wide.
"My Hell Hounds," Tickled Pink's voice wafted out of the otter's mouth, "if you want to back out, now is the time to do it. If you walk in, there will be no coming out until everybody in there is dead."
"Everyone?" Illuminotter repeated, both speaking with his mouth and thinking his words back to the tiger. "But that's just a goods store. What did they..."
"Things are not always what they seem," the feline responded, his voice urgent and somehow soothing. "This is the first day of your new life, remember."
"I'm ready to murder someone," Monkeymunch grinned. "Can we go do this now, please?"
They silently strutted to the front door of the quaint, old building. Their eyes darted around, suspicious of everything and everyone.
"Evenin," a middle-aged coyote welcomed over his coffee mug. "You boys excited to see the leaves change colors?"
"Ohh..." Terminotter heavily sighed. He looked around; seeing an old cardinal reading a newspaper, a pair of school-aged lynx kids rummaging through the candy shelf, and a pregnant gecko checking her watch while she waited by the restroom door. "I think we've made a mistake..."
"You boys excited to see the leaves change colors?" the shopkeep repeated himself, a little more gruffly this time. Everybody was staring at the Hell Hounds now. An uncomfortable silence fell all around them.
"I'm sorry, sir," Why-I-Otter apologized. "We'll be on our..."
"You boys excited to see the leaves change colors?" the coyote growled. Now everyone was glaring at the four otters and the monkey. They were staring daggers right at them.
"As much as the leaves may change..." the gecko started, gripping her fingernails into the nearby counter.
"...Leaves they will always remain," one of the lynxes continued where the pregnant lady left off. They both took a step towards the Hell Hounds, narrowing their eyes.
"The only way to change their color forever..." the other schoolboy went on. The coyote slid over to the door to block the exit.
"...Is to turn them into ashes," the cardinal concluded. He reached into the neck of his sweater and pulled a black cloth up and draped it over his head and beak.
"Things not being what they seem," Illuminotter held up his palms, laughing. "Guess this is what Tickled Pink was talking about."
"You don't fuckin' say!" Monkeymunch cursed. He ducked just in time for a chocolate, peanut and nougat candy bar to zip just over his fuzzy head.
"Hell Hounds! Let's beat the shit out of these tossers!" Assuminotter spat out, putting up his fists.
"A charming battle-cry," Why-I-Otter smirked. "I like it. Fellas, it's party time!"
In a flash, the gecko leaped into the air and delivered a spinning kick to Illuminotter's face. She groped around under her shirt and pulled out a bulky canvas bag.
"Bitch wasn't even pregnant!" Monkeymunch hooted, sidestepping one of the lynxes and socking him in the jaw. "And these guys aren't kids. They're just little people!"
"I still don't quite feel right about beating up..." Terminotter started to object before the other lynx swiped at him with a butterfly knife. "Okay, fuck this turd!" The otter's paws starting making a strange noise, similar to the crackling of a roaring fire. He swung once, twice, and then a jab -- missing each time.
"These guys are trained," Assuminotter grunted, taking an elbow to his chin. "What the bloody Hell are we supposed to do against them?"
"Blind them!" Why-I-Otter screeched, as the coyote kneed him in the gut. "You know what to do..."
"Count of three guys!" Illuminotter commanded, extending his arms and fanning out his fingers. The Hell Hounds covered their eyes in response.
"One... Two... Three!"
A white light, brighter than anything Illuminotter had ever seen before, shot out from his paws. And just as quickly as it came, it faded. He tripped the gecko and straddled her as she thrashed beneath him. He repeatedly punched her in the face until she stopped moving completely.
"Guys, go!" Illuminotter ordered. "They're all stumblin' around. But I dunno how long it's gonna last!"
Monkeymunch brought his arm away from his face and put the nearest lynx in a headlock. The other was was spinning around, frantically waving his arms in front of him in an attempt to find something to hang onto in his newly blinded state. Terminotter smiled, smacking each of the dwarves square in the jaw. They instantly fell limp.
"You will all..." the coyote started to threaten, still trying to scratch his eyes into working again.
"Shaddup, fuckface!" Why-I-Otter cut him off, before shoving him toward the growing pile of bodies.
"You're about to get Terminotter'd!" the deadly-fisted otter quipped, delivering another fatal blow to the shopkeeper.
"You're too late!" the cardinal squawked, stumbling backward and falling over the gecko's corpse. "They're here!"
Terminotter ignored the shrieking bird and punched him in the dick, ending his life.
"Well that was easy..." Monkeymunch boasted, clapping the dirt from his paws.
"Easy?" Illuminotter disagreed. "You didn't do anything!"
"What was I supposed to do -- chew through the building's foundation and hope they died when it toppled?" the monkey sarcastically asked.
Just then, a group of at least two-dozen creatures clad completely in black burst through all of the shop's doors and windows. They were so fast, they had filled the room in just a few seconds, some of them clinging from the walls and ceiling.
"Yes," Why-I-Otter responded dryly. "You go do that, Monkeymunch. Illuminotter, give him a distraction!"
"Three... Two... One!" the otter counted down before pulsing another bright flash. His shoulders slumped as he noticed that each of their adversaries were wearing some kind of protective goggles. Still, it was enough for Monkeymunch to slink outside undetected.
"Fuckin' Neenjahs!" Terminotter sputtered, as he received a swift kick to the face. He punched rapidly, but met only air each time.
No matter what the otters tried, their enemies were just too quick. They were outnumbered and outskilled.
"That stupid tiger must have known this would happen," Terminotter gritted his teeth and took another shot to his skull.
"You don't know that!" Illuminotter yelped as he was bumped in the ear by a ninja forearm. "He said he would give us all of the things we require. Maybe the monkey's plan is going to work."
"But how long do we have to wait until we know it's time to run out?" Assuminotter huffed as he was tripped and banged his head on the floor.
"Four seconds!" Why-I-Otter screeched and winced, taking a chop right to his nose.
The otters counted silently in their heads, then crouched low and bolted for the door.
"And down she goes!" the primate pushed himself to his feet, as the remaining Hell Hounds collapsed on the sidewalk, breathing heavily.
"There's..." Terminotter huffed out between breaths, "there's no way that any of them survived that. Good job, Monkeyman."
"That's Monkeymunch," the monkey reached down to help everyone up. "I'm the greatest hero of the bunch!"
"Well I'm glad that one of us didn't get their ass handed to him," Illuminotter chuckled. "But what are we supposed to do now..."
"...tickle you pink, yeah. I'm gonna tickle you pink and you're gonna like it..." the tiger's voice emanated from Illuminotter's open muzzle.
"Sir, uhh..." the otter slowly responded. "What are you going on about?"
"I'm gonna... Wait, what?" the tiger's tone rapidly switched to a serious one. "Hell Hounds? Is that you?"
"Umm, yes sir," Illuminotter gulped. "They're all dead. And we're on our way back. We have questions that you're going to answer."
They didn't speak as they made their way back to the clinic. Shouldering through the front entrance, they noticed the secretary wasn't at her desk. Rounding the corner and scrambling down the hall, they also noticed that the meeting room was empty.
"I'm in here," Tickled Pink called out from a few doors away.
The Hell Hounds pushed into a small room with a large window and a bed. The rhino from the lobby was sitting in Tickled Pink's office chair, tears still streaming down her face.
"This is her brother," the tiger stated calmly, motioning toward the rhino in the simple bed. "And my lover."
"Whoa!" Illuminotter gasped. "What is going on."
"He is the reason that you're all still alive," Tickled Pink revealed, rubbing the back of his paw on the male rhino's face. "That's his power. Healing. Even from the brink of death."
"Then you're not the devil?" Why-I-Otter muttered, still unsure what to believe.
"Me?" the tiger chuckled lightly. "No. But I have been known to do business on his behalf. Fucker makes some good drinks, and that's no lie."
"I don't understand," Assuminotter shook his head. "So this guy saved us, and you used some magic Satanic bullshit to give us supernatural abilities."
"So you do understand," Tickled Pink looked to the Hell Hounds for a moment before bringing his attention back to his lover. "He can heal people; but five in one day... And you were all so close to dying... It took all he had."
"The people you killed..." the sniffling sister picked up the tiger's story where he left off. "They figured out a way to do whatever they wanted with no consequence. They were part of a religion that called itself Yolo. The devil wasn't very happy when all of these people kept accidentally killing themselves and winding up in Hell. They're bloody annoying!"
"But you got 'em all. You did good," Tickled Pink stood up straight and praised. "We figured out a way to get 'em without them going to Hell. But they had to die by your hands."
"I tracked down another healer. Should be here before daybreak," the girl rhino explained. "Then my brother will be well again."
"And this is where we go our separate ways then?" Terminotter inquired.
"As I told you earlier," the tiger gently kissed the sleeping rhino on the forehead, "this is just the start of your new life. There's one more target I need you to take care of in the city. He was their ringleader. He was orchestrating all of the attacks that were going to happen tonight. I want you to take him out. After that, you can go your own way. Or you can keep sending these wankers to Yo-limbo internationally, all expenses paid."
"You know I'm in," Monkeymunch agreed enthusiastically. "Who is the fucker?"
"Your old boss," Tickled Pink grinned. "The one that tied you to a chair and pushed you through a window. He planned yours and the otters' deaths first as a test for their grand scheme. Finish this. End his life."
* * *
"This elevator always used to seem slower," Monkeymunch remembered, scratching his chin.
"You're just excited," Terminotter snickered. "We all are. I can barely contain myself."
The floors zoomed by. Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two. The monkey thought back on his old life as they ascended straight to the top of the tallest building in town.
The metal cube rang out with a ding when they reached their destination. The doors slid open soundlessly, and the Hell Hounds marched right up to the round hippopotamus; their last hit before going global.
"What in the fuck do you think you're..." the hippo started, before taking Terminotter's elbow to his nose.
"Hi boss," Monkeymunch waved sarcastically. "Thought you might be lonely, so here we are!"
Assuminotter and Why-I-Otter took the hippo by each arm and forced him down to his knees. The pair held their grip as Illuminotter made a spotlight just overhead.
"Dying sucks. I just want to start off by saying that," Monkeymunch got right up in his boss's face and preached.
"Fuckin' kill you..." the hippo muttered through the blood flowing out over his muzzle.
"And dying by falling out of the twenty-first floor of a building makes it suck so much more. I always wanted to quit this job. Just wanted to waltz right out the front door. You were corrupt as Hell; I just didn't know how much so until now."
The hippopotamus tried to struggle, but the otters held firm. He took another stinging elbow to the face.
"Hey, you're fucked," Monkeymunch went on. "You wanted all of this to work out, but we went and spoiled all of that. I didn't have it in me yesterday to just walk away and be rid of you. But today I do. Today, I'm hungry..."
"So," the monkey kicked his former boss right in the crotch. "Do you have any last words?"
"Yolo..." the hippo coughed, his head drooping as the light above him was causing him to sweat.
"Well then," Monkeymunch dragged his rough tongue across his boss's bloodied stubble. "No more words, then. It's dinner-time. Consider this my resignation. Thank you and goodnight."