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<<Part Two>>

April 27, 2014

Sunday

He said he'd reach out to me. Told me he was sorry for being an ass.

Said he'd make up for it.

It's hard, you might know, to do anything, including laundry, when you're exhausted emotionally. When you feel absolutely finished. Deteriorated. Broken.

And the worst part is that I know I could_feel fine. I _could_just sleep tonight and wake up feeling refreshed. I _could ignore that Davis is stumbling through an easy relationship with no fights and no hesitation.

Yet, it still feels like it's worth something to go through with this anyway. To act like it can amount to something just because he said he'd talk to me again. Because within another discussion you think you can persuade him to be with you.

I growl pathetically, frustrated, as another tear lands on a shirt I'm folding. I take the time to rub my eyes and assuage the depression for a momentary time. I almost chuckle as I think about how absolutely piteous I must look, doing laundry at a corner place while I cry and talk to myself.

Okay, that's it. You've convinced me, God. No more guys. Could've said so nicely.

I sniffle again and resume folding, not even acknowledging the door opening behind me with a small but clear ping of a bell. "Aaron?" I don't turn and instead shudder. "Aaron, hey." Go away.

Finally, there arrives a tap on my shoulder. I growl as I turn, sounding more like a pup than an adult, and finally see Alex with a bashful but ambitious look in his eyes. He quickly apologizes before taking both my paws, holding them at my sides, slamming my back into a washer, and forcing me into a kiss.

I might be able to think of more romantic locations for a first kiss with somebody, but I can hardly imagine a cuter one. My wide eyes of surprise don't take long to abate, and after he lets go of my paws, I settle for safe arms around his waist. The whole time, I can feel him start shaking a little like he's going to start crying himself. When it finally overtakes him, we pull away from each other, but I hug him. I squeeze like I can force him to stay. It takes all my strength not to cry in the moment of emotion. We've both seen our way around the emotion roller coaster now.

With his muzzle over my right shoulder, he continues to sob a little, interspersed with whispers like "I'm so sorry" and "I can't believe it took me this long." I let him calm down, rubbing a paw up and down his back. We're both pretty sad foxes.

"Some people just need time, Alex. I admit I had no idea you'd need so much." That elicits a hesitant giggle out of him. I wipe one of his tears away, making him lean into my paw and murmur quietly.

Eventually he looks into my eyes with a grave seriousness, saying, "I'm so sorry, Aaron. I knew for a while that I like you." Like is probably safe for now. It's also no new information to handle.

I hush him again, and we stand there holding one another until the hilariously awful timing from the washing machine sounds again. We separate hesitantly, and as if to prove to both of us what just happened was fact, he kisses my nose before he lets me go. I blush bright red despite the fact that I know I didn't flush much during our longer kiss. The tension in my chest slowly unwinds with every second he's here, even as I try futilely to open the washing machine door.

He hangs around with me while I finish things up, and when I ask him about where his is, he answers, "Well, I kind of hid the truth from you. There's a machine on the first floor of my building. Whenever I came here, it was in the hopes I'd see you."

My chest floats in elation. "That's adorable."

He blushes a little, folding his ears. "Just honest."

Despite how we are now, I can't help but wonder. I know sometimes things really are as simple as a complete one-eighty, but something fails to convince me this is one of those cases. And I can't help but remember that he is going to leave in less than three months.

When I look back at him from where I'm folding stuff, he seems to just be idly humming and quickly trying to avert his eyes. The unspoken compliment makes me blush again, but he plays it off like he was just sitting there anyway. Better to make the best of the time, I think to myself.

After I set my final load into the dryer, he clears his throat and quietly asks, "So, is there anything else you do on Sundays?" His quiet nature still surprises me considering that the image I had in my head as late as today was of a party animal. I'm still not convinced he'll let go of all of it right away.

I smirk. "Unless you'd like to go grocery shopping with me..." He frowns in disgust. "I'm kidding. I make Davis do that. He's the one who likes cooking anyway." I sit up next to him on top of the row of drying machines. "What did you have in mind?"

He hums again and taps his paws about. "Would you go out to dinner with me?"

Someone works fast. "Sure. Not another party, right?" Yeah, yeah. Call me an ass. But can you blame me? He was going to them even as they actively made him miserable.

He shakes his head, chuckling. "No. I don't think I'll be doing one of those again for a while. A long while. Have you ever heard of that Mediterranean place down on Broadway and Piccadilly?"

He has this adorable, hopeful face. "How could I say no? At least then you can say you took me out to dinner first."

He blushes brightly. "I-I wasn't going to go there, b-but--"

I interrupt him with a poke to the nose. "I believe you. It's okay. We're doing this for real this time, right?"

He nods. "So it's a date?"

A date. "Yeah. It's a date."

May 2, 2014

Friday

Davis gave me a doubtful look when I told him about what happened between Alex and I. I don't blame him. He has been my spy to tell me what was up at the parties Alex frequented.

Now we're here, on the following Friday night, getting ready to do things with our respective partners. I get this tingle just thinking such a thing as having a partner again.

Maybe that's hasty. It feels nice to have a date. I'll stick to that one.

For Davis' part, I'm letting him have the dorm to do whatever. And seeing as how he started dating Seth right before I met Alex, I don't doubt I'll walk back to the smell of scent remover.

Yeah; it has a smell. It's sort of indescribable, but I could say it smells like guilt...and some citrus. Davis doesn't know I can tell it apart from normal airflow though, so we'll let him continue with that idea. It's kinda hot to imagine a raven and a gryphon, but the wings seem like they'd be an issue. Pheh. They can figure it out.

Davis pulls me out of my reverie with, "So you're telling me he showed up in the laundromat, pressed you up against a washing machine, and suddenly you want to date him again?"

I scoff, adjusting the collar around my neck in the mirror while Davis lounges on the bed behind me, crossing his arms behind his head in the mirrored image. "Don't make it sound so stupid. You ever been kissed against something?" The memory of it almost makes me blush. Even better is the hope that maybe that could become regular. Or that it could go further! That part does make me flush a little.

He shrugs. "No. Can't say I have." He's quiet for a while. "Listen...don't you ever think this sounds like a miracle? I mean, I hate to sound skeptical, but I didn't really have to chase down my date." Ouch. I can't help but feel we're too honest with one another sometimes. More of him being too honest with me. I sugar-coat everything.

I sigh in frustration, looking down at my foot paws. Frustration is too understandable though. It's more of a sad sigh. Without looking up, I admit, "It is too good to be true. I know that." I bite back a tear and my lip. "I'd just like to think he really wants to be with me."

I gasp in surprise when the raven slinks up behind me, hugging me tightly. "You're the saddest fox I know, hon." His beak rests on my head, his height quite surpassing mine. We're the image of a couple, if only physically. It's better that way, though. At least, that's what I've always told myself.

I chuckle once, holding back another for fear of sobbing afterward. I carry around this happy smile everywhere I go, shrugging off hurt and grief like I'm made of steel. More and more I'm realizing I'm far from that. I meet Davis' eyes in the mirror. "Do you think I should cut it off?"

He nips at one of my ears, making me squirm despite his hold on me. "Give him a chance. Maybe you're right. You're pretty good with people stuff, foxie." I blush, my ears folding out to each side.

It takes a special friend to kick you in the nuts and tell you it was so you'd stop raving like a madman.

***

"I don't know what it is about collars, Aaron, but damn if you aren't looking fine right now."

Woah.

And this is how he opens a dinner? We sat down at the place he was hoping we'd go to, and as soon as the waiter left (whose name was Keith), he immediately gave me this predatory smile and eyes that could make anyone blush. Of course, I can't stop there. My body reacts with folded ears and a shy look somewhere else. "Alex..."

He chuckles. "Wow. That was easy. I was thinking of these the whole way over here. You have to wait for the better ones." I kick his foot under the table. He just smirks even more.

In an attempt to dress up a little, I'm wearing my purple collar that, despite the associated memories, I love. It was a gift from my ex. Other than that, I went with a button-up shirt and slacks. I'd like to think I dress to complement my black fur, but sometimes I just can't tell. For lack of ideas on what else to do, I have my hair down at it's full length.

To avoid the uncomfortably passionate look he's holding with me, I start again, "So what else do you do besides school? I imagine Siberia has a lot of stuff."

He chuckles. "You'd be surprised. What'd you think, that I'm a ski soldier in my off time?"

I blush again and falter a bit. "Well, no, I just..."

"It's fine. You're partially right, at least. Siberia is definitely a different place compared to here. The biggest idea is identity. If you aren't a fox or a husky, you get a very hard time from everyone else." He looks off a bit, aloof.

"Do you ever miss it?" He looks right at me. His neutral regard is hard to read.

"Sometimes. It's more that I like travelling, though. I want to see more parts of the world, you know?" I nod. He smiles and bumps his own feet against mine. "Where are you from?"

I laugh a little, making him raise an eyebrow. "Well, I'm just from Colorado. I'm a mountain fox. I guess the weird part is that most of my family is colored like red foxes, but I am melanistic. Somewhere along the line my genetics took a left turn and over-pigmented my fur, but then left my hair and the normal white parts alone."

He frowns. "So...do you feel okay?"

I chuckle. Everyone I explain my condition to initially gets really concerned. "Yeah. I'm normal otherwise. I just have a weird coloring."

He nods a little. "Good. I thought you dyed it all." He reaches out one of his paws.

I take it in mine with a smile. "I get that. A lot of people are jealous that it's natural."

He gets that devious smile again. "You look sleek. It's pretty sexy."

Goddamn... I bite my lip as I fail to keep the comment from pinking me up again. "Stop..."

He chuckles at my expense. "It's kind of weird, you know. I feel like I'm a bully, but it's with nice things I say."

I'm saved from having to make a witty remark back by the waiter. He arrives with a smile and complete obliviousness to the active war between the two foxes he's waiting on. "Hey there, guys! You two have an idea of what you want to drink?"

Here's a weird thing about me. Because I've spent so many nights as a waiter, I know what does and doesn't earn tips. As my experience grew, I learned what level of friendly was too friendly, who to serve first (always the ladies!), and all the weird little stuff like that. Most people probably don't notice on more than a subconscious level, but I still strive to be the best I can.

With that experience, I can generally tell how many of the same quirks other waiters have learned. I wouldn't say it impacts how I tip a huge amount, but...it probably does. "I think I'll give your mango tea a go," Alex declares.

Keith the dog nods at him, jots some abbreviation, then turns to me. "I'll be boring and go with a glass of water, please."

He chuckles and smiles at me. "Nothing wrong with that. Let me know when you guys are ready to order, and we'll get that started, alright?" We nod our consent and he disappears to the back again. Time will tell if he's an accessible waiter or not.

I guess my thoughts had me looking somewhere odd, because shortly I turn back to Alex to see him openly admiring me again. "Am I really that attractive to you?"

He nods dreamily. "You always have been. I'm surprised you never noticed." He scoffs. "Hell, knowing you, you were probably too humble to ever think someone would be checking you out."

My ears sweep again. "Is that bad?"

He shrugs. "You should hold yourself to a higher self-image. You're beautiful. Especially now that I know your fur is all your own."

I hold up my menu mostly to try to keep distracted. With the way that I'm colored, I still have white fur out of my inner ears, but otherwise, I think my blush is mostly covered. Maybe it isn't. Either way hasn't stopped Alex yet. "You don't think I'd full-body dye myself, do you?"

He holds up his own menu. "Not sure. I don't really know how long that'd take though. Or how often you'd have to redo it." He pauses for a while. "Probably a nightmare."

I nod in silent agreement. Eventually we come to our decisions, with Alex getting some sort of goat (gross), and me an elaborate salad full of plenty of Greek tastes. Keith, of course, is ever the friendly, helpful guy that I'm sure I could've predicted had I cared.

As he walks away again, Alex gives me this weird look. "What?" He looks over his shoulder, watching Keith leave. When he looks back at me, I can see the accusation. "I'm not flirting with him, Alex."

He shakes his head. "No, but he is with you!" I roll my eyes. "I'm serious!" I have a feeling he is. Flirting is always the way I make the big tips. I wouldn't know flirting from insulting unless I'm the one speaking, though.

I can't help but giggle a little. "So, conveniently, the night that you tell me you think I'm hot--"

"Really hot."

Ear flush. "The night you tell me I'm really hot is the night everyone in town starts hitting on me?"

He frowns. "Don't make it sound ridiculous or anything. It's true. Maybe you just didn't notice before."

I give him another nudge under the table. "Or maybe you're just really determined."

He smiles, kicking back. "I won't rule that out."

May 16, 2014

Friday

As Alex's rehabilitation resource, I declared it my duty to stay with him every Friday night so he wouldn't revert back to his previous means of passing time. He told me it isn't necessary, but I want to anyway.

Really it's just my excuse to spend time with him. Like I really need one.

He told me that if we're going to see each other so much, then it would have to be his place. He said he didn't have anything against Davis, but that he didn't want the raven to be left out or uncomfortable. Pretty admirable in my opinion. Very understandable in the grand scheme of things, too. Don't want Davis to know just what he can throw in my face when he gets to being in a mocking mood.

Tonight we're on his couch again. For whatever reason we both play the chaste game and sit on opposite ends for a few shows. He seems pretty interested, but it's only old seasons of shows I've already seen.

We keep up the dialogue between us, making fun of this actor, wondering why that other actor did a spin-off show, calling a couple of them hot. We end up rating a couple of the hunky ones. I guess you don't really know someone's expectations with admiration until they sit down and start slamming or uptalking a couple stars.

Of course, when I'm idle, my eyes wander about my surroundings. At one point he catches me staring at him. "Would you rather watch something else? You're free to look all you like either way." I blush a little as he flips to something else. He looks to me again, finding my eyes haven't budged. "Maybe you'd rather sit a little closer?"

I hesitantly scoot closer to the other fox, taking care to wait for him to swing his tail out and away from his left side so I could sit there. What I didn't expect was for him to place it into my lap after I was done moving. I take it in a surprising amount of stride considering who I am, and gently caress the fuzzy appendage as we continue to watch some show I'm not even close to invested in.

He purrs in response, the gentle vibrating sound resonating through me and the couch as he continues. It's very quiet at first, but it picks up the closer to the base I go. At first the difference is big enough for me to think he was doing it on purpose. With how consistent it is, though, I realize it isn't.

As a quick point of explanation, I don't really think anyone understands how foxes operate the same way a fox does. A lot of people associate us with the need to satisfy others one slutty way or another, but I think a lot of it is more benevolent than that. In my case, I'm just afraid of not having friends unless I go along with what they want. It's why I had to have a discussion with Davis when we almost ended up doing things we'd regret only because he thought I was okay with it. Nothing against the bird, but I was not up to his level that night.

Tails are another story, too. Mine means a lot more to me than a lot of furs I know, especially with where it is or what it's doing at any given time. I find that most don't care and that the ones that do aren't the crowd I'd want to hang out with anyway.

Alex's head falls to my shoulder, his own left paw venturing to caress my thigh. As the night progresses I don't feel any immense pressure to do anything rash, but I do feel an overwhelming sense of calm from the situation.

I relate my current self to my past again, smiling a huge smile as I come to the conclusion that this scenario would end entirely differently and entirely above my comfort level were I still with that ever-threatening wolf of my past. I find myself wondering if Alex feels the same. Before I get to ask him, I can hear his breathing deepen and his paw slow to a stop.

Whether I failed to stir his interest or the show did that itself makes little difference to me. I focus instead on the pawful of adorable I have on my plate. Rather than try to listen to dry dialogue full of references only people who watch the show can understand, I draw my arm around the fox, prop myself on a pillow, and join him in the end-of-the-week exhaustion.

***

I wake up to a slight jarring, the glow of the TV absent and instead replaced by a beautiful pair of blue fox eyes. It takes me more time than I'd like to admit to figure out just how the fox had positioned himself over me.

I guess, while I was asleep, that he shoved me over onto my back, where I then landed on the pillow I set up earlier. Now he's sitting on my lap, his muzzle positioned just in front of mine in a small, nervous smile. "I think last time we were here, someone interrupted us."

I start blushing a little, brought on by remembering just what I felt last time. Honestly I can't believe how much my emotions have grown but still feel generally similar. I nod a couple of times, letting him know I feel the same way. "Hope that doesn't become a theme." I add quietly.

He giggles, his paws playing over my chest and drawing circles and frolicking. "Is this okay with you?"

It means an immense amount to me that he'd ask. I mean, here I am under him at his apartment on his couch, and he's still making sure that he isn't pushing me too hard. My heart swells a little, and I have to swallow hard to keep back any embarrassing tears. Rather than answer him, I gently put a paw behind him and push him to me, working it up behind his ears when he's closer.

We're gentle, passionate. It's fireworks. And that's just the first kiss. Both of our eyes close, and the silence of the dark overtakes the scene whenever our hearts bother to stop pounding so proudly in our chests. He rakes his claws under my shirt up my stomach, making me moan enough for him to push the kiss a little deeper, rumbling his own approval.

We're still slow as we continue to make out, tender and careful and warm and fuzzy. I hug him closer on top of me, and I'm sure the only reason he didn't lead that way was so he wouldn't scare me or squish me, but neither is even a worry by this point. We're both pretty light things.

My paws wander under his shirt, softly caressing up and down his back, following our sleepy pace of showing one another what a month of repressed feelings feels like when it's uncorked.

After a while that could've been the rest of my lifetime for all I cared, he pulls back at a sluggish speed so that I know he's not moving far. He kisses my nose and rubs the side of his muzzle against mine affectionately before relaxing over me and simply resting his head next to mine.

My paws continue rubbing over his back, my tail wanting to wag out of happiness, but upon finding and wrapping around his, finds itself content to relax. I nuzzle one of his ears before quietly asking, "Did you happen to see the time?"

I almost think he's asleep because of the delay before he responds. "I don't really have anywhere to be. Wanna fall asleep again?"

I kiss his ear, staying silent again under him. I hug him close when I'm too lazy to keep moving my paws, and find myself wondering what the rest of his fur would feel like against mine. I fall asleep to the gentle rhythm of our hearts thudding and his breathy sighs of content.

May 17, 2014

Saturday

I wake up to the smell of bacon and eggs cooking, and I almost open my eyes still expecting a fox resting on me. My first action, of course, is to slap my muzzle with a groan.

I think he hears me, because he calls out a cheery good morning in his soft tenor voice. I answer with a, "Good morning to you too, beautiful!"

I haven't really seen it yet, but I'm willing to bet that he looks twice as adorable as normal when he blushes. I don't get an answer back, but I do eventually get up and wander to his kitchen. When he sees me, he folds his ears. "After our dinner date, I wasn't sure how much you oppose meat, so I went with making a veggie version of my omelet. Sound okay?"

I stroll up behind him, smiling at his apron ("Kiss the fox!"), and tugging on his ears with my paws. "That sounds great, Alex. Don't worry about it."

It's only after I back off from him when he's finished cooking that I realize how messed up my clothes look. Daytime wear isn't really up to the task of being slept in. At least a trial sniff tells me I don't offend.

He sets our plates down at his table, then does a mental count and scurries when he realizes he forgot drinks. I watch his tail bob move behind him, bouncing like a hyped up toddler.

There doesn't seem to be many things that throw the fox off his game quite like how he hosts guests. I politely sit and wait for him to return, smiling wide when he finally sits down looking abashed. "You're the silliest fox I know." I say, sipping the water he brought.

He snickers, taking a bite of his creation. I get the feeling I'll get clever remarks later. In the meantime, just one bite of my breakfast reveals that the fox definitely knows what he's doing with spinach and egg. I hum in content, not masking my reaction even when I feel his eyes wander over me. "This is really good, Alex."

His ears pan bashfully, his muzzle up in a grin. "Thanks, Aaron."

I smile myself, finally in the position to retaliate all of his shameless flirting. Now if only I could come up with something clever.

...Hm. Nothing. Maybe I'll just have to be subject to whatever he says. There are worse things, for sure, but again I find myself setting a submissive tone to interacting with me. It frustrates me a little that I can't even man up enough to give my fox some playful jostling. Ugh.

We continue eating in a silence that is more in awe of the food than anything awkward. He starts kicking at my feet under the table again, snickering when I give him a look. Then he tries to give this innocent look like I could never ever think he could possibly be responsible for starting trouble. "Any plans for this weekend, Allie?"

He sticks his tongue out at me. "I was wondering when you'd come up with a cute name for me. That sounds like a girl one, though."

Oh, here we go. Bully mode activate."I think that's what makes it appropriate!"

He gasps, then immediately goes into this playful growl that still sounds more real than my actual growls. "Is that a challenge to my masculinity?" I'll never stop finding it funny how so many guys actually feel under fire from stupid stuff like this.

I play like I'm thinking for a bit, taking another bite of breakfast before retorting, "Hm... You are a fox, you know. You've got a lot to prove."

He kicks me under the table again, his maw agape and his ears threatening to pin. "Oh, and you don't?!"

I shrug. "I fully accept being a feminine creature."

He shakes his head, quiet until he comes up with a conversation change. Aaron: 1; Alex: 0.

***

"Just tell me what you two did!"

"We didn't do anything!"

"You just said you two slept together!"

I flush, the words being said out loud by someone else sounding very open for interpretation. "We fell asleep together, yeah."

"Well...after doing what?"

"We kissed a little..."

He folds his arms. "And that's all you two did. Riiiight."

I huff a breath, folding my own arms. "Honest! I'm not able to do anything else! I can't even say the word 'sex' without going red in the ears. What makes you think I could actually follow through and do it with somebody?"

He sighs, and I can see the argument pass. Davis opens his beak a few times, closing it each wordlessly all but one time. "I'm sorry, hon. I didn't think about that enough before I accused. Just try to think about what I know about him, okay?"

I ask quietly, with a very neutral regard, "And what do you know about him?"

He sighs. "He parties, he's probably promiscuous--"

"And how do you know this?"

He rolls his eyes at me. "If you're not going to think through reasoning either, then we don't have to have this talk."

I sigh just like he had not long ago. "I think you need to apologize. I haven't said anything about Seth like that."

He nods, but it's quiet for a while. "I'm just not sure that the one you think broke your heart is the best person to keep in your life. That's all I want to say. I'm sorry, fox."

I stay silent the rest of the night. Alex and I hadn't done much today besides relax and watch a few movies on his couch. I came back after we both decided we hadn't done anything all day. Now, I just can't figure out why Davis is being such an ass about it.

He hasn't ever been really supportive of our relationship, but that never seemed as clear as it does now. Before, I mostly thought he was just resistant to the idea of me falling in love with somebody who might hurt me.

Now I almost feel like he's jealous. It might sound conceited, but I really feel like he has an issue seeing me be happy with someone else. There's merit to his defense. I will give him the fact that I was pretty broken when Alex initially chose his partying nature over me.

But then, that opens a defense that I think is fair for the fox, too. I'm sure he's used to a much more fiery, passionate, and fast-paced relationship. I think he could appreciate my place in his life, but he came to the conclusion, and rightly so, that I'd be far less sexual than he's used to. Only now has he come to the conclusion that it might be worth something to wait for me to catch up.

I don't have a good basis for his standards, but a few conversations passing over the subject of partners makes me think he's a once or twice a week type of fox, and if only because his other time is parties or school, and that he doesn't have one consistent partner even for a purely physical relationship. At least I'm making him tone down the party part.

As far as the fox's independence goes? I can't really control that. I accept that, though. Maybe that's what bothers Davis. I'll never know. As I glance at him from the other side of the couch, he looks really upset. I just can't tell about what.

After more sneaking looks, I come to the conclusion that he's bothered by something other than me. With that being my determination, I leave him to it. If he asks for help, I'll help him.

Otherwise? Don't make it about me, I tell myself_. It doesn't have to be my fault._

May 21, 2014

Wednesday

By one virtue or another, Aaron and I are becoming more and more busy as the year progresses. With finals in everyone's sights, professors and students alike are becoming more and more hesitant to be social, and more inclined to study and prepare and brace for impact.

I would be no different if I wasn't already pretty confident about my classes. The irony behind the classes this semester is that they're easier despite being the advanced courses for getting my degree. The past two years I struggled because the general classes were all so non-specific and boring that I actually had a harder time staying focused.

Now I'm where I want to be for the rest of my life. Statistics has plenty of different fields depending on what you want to calculate and who you want to show, but the basis of it all comes back to reality.

Expected Value theorems say that you can multiply the results of a win by the probability to get what you'd expect from one round. In theory, with a high enough jackpot, you expect win just over a dollar back for every dollar you put into the lottery.

It's kinda magic. It makes sense at the same time, though. That's what lures me into math as a career.

And, with the help of taking a business minor with me, I also have all this knowledge about how to apply what I know to decision making in a business.

What they don't teach you to analyze the risk in is relationships. There's probably a reason, now that I think about it. It's certainly been nothing but magical when I can hang out with Aaron, but for all the emotions and work up to this point, I can see why some people are just fine being single.

I mean, I was content with that for a while. And sure, I wasn't "single" very often, but I think that just proves my point. Rather than deal with everything to keep someone, I just had some new person to be with every time I was lonely.

Before Aaron and I became something, when he was busy being adorable and just begging to have someone, I felt lonely a lot. I felt like it wasn't in my power, or maybe not in common decency, to nail someone down when I know I'm not even staying in the same country for much longer. I can understand that feeling of self-defeat that the fox exhibits most of the time.

He's his own worst enemy. But then, I think most people are their own rival. No one but me was stopping my surrender to feeling and being with him. I don't even have a history like I'm sure the fox does.

I'm going to find out tonight, though. We're doing a study group thing which is mostly him helping me with abstract classes and me helping him with the math and science ones. I have a feeling that the fox carries around baggage the size of his tail, the way that it weighs him down most of the time.

Whenever it's been a long time without us talking (even a few days), he has this really tired look in his eyes before he adjusts to being around me again. I don't even think he's actually tired most of the time. He's more responsible about sleeping than a somnologist.

My doorbell sounds, lifting me out of my reverie as I wander across my apartment to the door. I recount everything I want to know about my fox, put a smile on (when I see him it'll be _far_from forced), and open the door with a, "I don't remember ordering sexy fox on a weekday..."

I can't even begin to explain why his blush is so cute. He gets this look that makes my heart melt a little every time I see it, and I want to tug on his ears anytime my words make them fold. "Oh, stop." He pushes past me, setting down a bunch of books and notes with a heaved sigh of relief. "Not even five minutes of seeing you and you already have me blushing."

I sidle up behind him, giving him an affectionate hug when he turns around. I don't look because I have my eyes closed, but I'm sure the compliment of my squeezes has him more pink in the ears. "I only say anything because it's strikingly true. It's stuff other people don't say, so someone obviously has to."

He giggles, pulling back a little to nip my nose. "And I suppose you self-elected to be that person?"

I nod, kissing his respective nose. "Sometimes I think even what I have to say isn't enough to cover the scope."

Flustered (which I know he likes, by the way), he grumbles and tries to pull away from me. After I whimper, he gives me this look. "You know I'm here so we can study, right?"

I look off like I'm trying to remember something distant. "Hmm... No, I can't say I do remember that. I just recall getting a bundle of fox to come over to my house."

He giggles, disentangling himself from me and starting to pick through his notes. "Maybe you can get a reward if you work really hard a little bit."

I consider biting at the innuendo hanging out there, but I swallow my clever words. The first stuff we go through is not much more than some differentiation, which, after I explained how I made it through Calculus, he seemed to nail pretty quickly. We go through a few more of his questions before we decide he's solid for math.

When we move to science, I take some time to explain why all the labs the professor had him do throughout the semester were planned. Some it was learning how to calculate a heat difference or the excess reactant. Overall it just came down to him summarizing all the labs and putting down what I told him to focus on.

The whole time, things stayed very very innocent. I wouldn't have been able to tell we're together if I didn't know.

***

"Do you still wanna talk about your questions?"

I shrug. "Sure. We can take a break first, though."

He tilts his head in this cute way. "Take a break doing what?"

I hold out my paw, waiting for him to hesitantly take it. I stand bring him with me, not stopping until we travel to my bedroom. Once there, he tugs back, trying to stop me. "I-I didn't wanna--"

I cut him off with a kiss to his nose, making him pink up again. To be honest, I think he is always surprised when I show him gentle affection. I playfully pull him again, this time he stays compliant but watches until I settle on my side up on the bed and pat the other side. Then he comes along, his ears canting again and tail set out of rhythm.

He stops when he is laying opposite of me, stopping when his muzzle is close to mine. "I've got a question, fox."

He nods, looking into my eyes with wide, almost scared ones.

"Is it me being affectionate that makes you shy, or just someone in general treating you well that does it?"

He looks away a bit in thought, looking back into my eyes when he's set. "A little bit of both. I was in something of a...less considerate relationship before this. And he was the only other guy I ever thought about like I think about you. He was..." he swallows nervously, "mean. And selfish."

That all makes sense. Nothing I hadn't guessed already. Maybe there's a sense of reassurance now that he's admitted that I have to be far above some abusive jerk. I nod. "I understand. How about me?"

He licks my nose, smiling a little more. "You're fine. I'm just surprised because when you kissed me so suddenly in the laundromat, I thought you were setting the pace somewhere I couldn't keep up. But you've been really nice to me. You keep checking on me and I know you're taking things slower than you want--"

I kiss him again to interrupt him. His rant trails off, dissipating when our lips separate if but a little. "I wouldn't want things to move along any faster. Promise. You make it worth the wait, okay?"

He opens his muzzle to protest before I cut him off again, this time kissing his nose. "I'm serious. You're much more emotionally fulfilling than any physical fulfillment could ever give me. I think I lost sight of that." Maybe I never knew.

He closes his eyes, relaxing a bit more. They fly open when I pull him closer to me, but he rumbles in place of purring as his body settles closer to mine. I have this feeling that I set free one of his biggest inhibitions, and there's nothing but feeling accomplished for that achievement.

After a while of relaxing, I almost think he's asleep. When he tugs on my paw, I realize I had my eyes closed, and they open to the sight of him coming in closer to kiss me.

Curious, I pull myself up, quickly but not ungracefully settling myself over him like the past few encounters we've had. This time, though? Maybe something different can happen.

I kiss his nose, and then as his affection doesn't cease, we lock lips for a while, the warmth in my heart pulling a few low rumbling purrs from my chest.

Eventually, remembering my own plan, I pull back, running my paws under his shirt and up his belly and chest, coaxing a low moan from the fox which he tries to cover with a quick bite of his own lip. I notice he seems to do that when he's shy or unsure of how he should be acting. It's adorable, to be honest.

I lean down towards him but don't stop at his lips. Instead, I lean into his ear (perhaps a bit unnecessarily considering our senses of hearing) and ask in a whisper, "Might my fox be interested in trying something new with me?" His little remark about me setting a pace that he thinks he can keep bumps around in my head. Hopefully, since it's been some time, I'm correct in thinking I can push him a little again.

With the plans whirling in my head, I wouldn't hesitate if me and my target of affection were dating for only a few days. With Aaron and me, it's been a month and change. I don't want to go too far too soon, but I don't want to lose track of time, either. We are very, very limited there.

He waits until I pull back to being muzzle-to-muzzle with him, then he licks my nose. "I trust you, Alex. W-were you just going to uhm...paw?"

I nod slowly, bumping my nose into his. I hear him swallow nervously, so I add, "You don't have to reciprocate anything you don't want. I just want to do this for you, okay?"

I watch his eyes as they examine mine, searching for some truth or dedication that I know he'll find. Eventually, instead of answering me, he sneaks a paw up behind my head and pulls me in for another kiss. A choir of angels in my head sings praise.

He's quick to turn his head despite still being under me, and his tongue excitedly meets mine. Again I feel a passionate heat in my chest, prompting more purring from me and various fox-like growls from him. Growls generally mean somebody is trying to be assertive, but in his case, he just sounds excited and tentative.

After I'm confident he's well and ready to move on, I start poking around at his belt, both paws cooperating when I get frustrated at the belt buckle just out of my line of sight. Something resembling a chuckle interrupts his affectionate sounds, making my own ears fold in a bout of frustration.

His own paws find themselves roaming over my back or sometimes up to my ears, eliciting appreciative rumbles from me when they do. It's one of my weak spots, and he takes every opportunity after realizing that to make me shudder happily.

I could never imagine what kind of asshole would take advantage of him. I don't know whether to be glad I don't know the guy or sad that I can't punch him in the face. Whoever he was, he did a number on Aaron. I'm thinking we're on the way to fixing that, though.

After some strife, the belt comes undone with a series of satisfying clinks and a low groan from the fox when the button and zipper come undone infinitely faster. I pull out of the kiss when his pants are open but his boxers are still up. After catching my breath, I whisper, "Okay, fox. Last chance. I haven't seen anything yet and I won't unless you want me to. Are we going through with this or no?"

Again, his sparkling eyes open to meet mine, and the love I see behind them is almost answer enough. He nods, quietly answering, "I'm ready for you. I...it's your paw, right?" He flushes a little, obviously rearing to go not-all-the-way with me.

I chuckle and immediately feel bad for doing so. Poor, sweet, innocent fox. "Yep. That's all we're going to try right now."

He nods again, closing his eyes and leaning forward in his own way to ask for more kisses. I comply, putting my paws forward on the attack even as our lips make contact. I give his inevitable bulge a curt squeeze, delighting a little in his reaction as I feel him gasp under me. Clearly, it's been a long time since this fox felt any love. Maybe he simply never had anyone so tender and careful.

I squeeze a last time before my paws team up to pull his boxers down with the help of a cute wiggle from the fox under me. Both of our eyes open to share a smile. At this point I was pretty much expecting him to be having a nervous breakdown. Thankfully, he seems absolutely fine, if a bit eager for me to continue.

With his fox pride open to the air, my left paw feels about his hips, tracing his features so I know where everything is without seeing. It doesn't take long to find the swollen sheath, nor to pull it back to find him already pretty hard. I feel his entire body quiver like a tensed spring when I stroke over his length just once.

I nibble his ear from its pinned position. "How long has it been?"

He whimpers out a quiet, "A week...please..."

It feels emotionally fulfilling to be needed like I can feel I am. To be more than a quick lay or somebody's physical outlet. I feel loved. It's with that determination that I squeeze his shaft again before kissing down his muzzle, ending at his throat and in range to sneak looks at his pink foxy shaft. I'm guessing I'll want to hear his every vocalized emotion with the magic I know I can work.

Teasing touches over his pride teamed with extra caressing like he's my very own exotic pet eek out the first few of his many quiet and raspy moans, telling me I'm doing a pretty decent job already. Had it not been a while for him, I'd want to be affectionate until he was hoarse.

I nibble over his neck, feeling a small sense of power, however unwilling I am to use it, over my fox as I continue carefully, trying not to hurt as much as excite the sweet vulpine. As I bring my left paw up to his tip again, I feel the first traces of his pre already over my paw. He really is backed up. This won't take long...

Instead of stroke over his thighs and belly like I had, my other paw comes down to cop a feel over his orbs, heavy with the weight of anticipation and lack of release. I can feel him shudder a few times when he doesn't moan under my attention. It isn't until now that I decide to be nice enough to actually stroke him consistently. He claims he can't purr, but the rumbles I hear in response are very close.

"Mmph...Al..." I coo soft nothings and quiet him with another kiss to his open muzzle before returning to my focus around his member. I realize his quiet call was basically an announcement that his knot had entered the arena, but I purposely avoid it for a while to continue, hoping to stretch things out at least a little. After all, I know exactly how these things work. It's only just started to bump against my downwards strokes.

It's after a few whines that I stop being a bully and continue rubbing from base to tip of his super-heated foxhood. His paws continue to clutch at my back, without which he'd definitely have to be a lot louder just to express his passion.

In the dark I can hear whenever his tail kicks up to a slightly more excited rhythm or when his ears sweep behind him as he moans. With my feet by his, I can feel his toes squirm whenever I hit just the right place. I give another squeeze beneath his shaft and he moans again, breathing hot air over my ears in excited, panting huffs. I feel his pulse in his throat as I continue nibbling over it, seeing just how much of a reaction I can get on all fronts.

His passion and the feeling of his impending release has me feeling tight in my own pants, but I want to stay true to my word. I won't make him do anything if he doesn't want to.

...Despite the fact that I'll feel very thoroughly blue-balled in the morning. Maybe he won't stay the night, though. I growl myself back into focus as I take my thoughts away from my own release and settle my thoughts back on getting around to an end on this front first.

I continue to acknowledge his knot in my labored strokes, giving a very satisfying squeeze every fourth or so visit and encouraging a welcoming response each time. More and more I can hear his volume pick up, and more and more I get the feeling that my sweet Aaron isn't feeling those inhibitions to be quiet anymore.

It brings a little bit of relief to me, to be honest. The less I have to convince him it's okay to give in and live a little, the better. It is definitely one of the central ideas I have felt a sense of hesitation with around him. Screw the neighbors, am I right?

As his pre covers my paw, though, I can tell we've moved on from there. I find myself wondering if he's always this leaky. Those thoughts get me even more turned on, as though the sounds and smells of his enjoyment weren't already doing something for me. I groan and adjust myself before continuing.

His knot starts to swell and I feel a small sense of sadness as I realize this really does have to end at some point before it becomes more of a chore for me and less of a pleasant release for him. His balls start to churn in my paw and his voice picks up an urgent tone.

"A-Allie! I'm really...really close..." I have to swallow back my own desires for a moment as my urge to double over and start sucking his hardness for all it's worth almost comes to overwhelming terms. I blame it on my insatiable personality, amongst other things.

Instead, I bite down hard, but not violently, on the scruff of his neck. It's a place on a lot of canids that takes some work to find, but it works surprisingly well when you do. It's like that skin on your elbow that you feel but don't, except since it's so intimate and dangerous being on your neck, it really turns on a lot of people, me included. A good mating bite can turn around a bad experience almost by itself.

Aaron cries out again as I also give his knot the one final squeeze it needs, and I have to settle for feeling the fox empty his orbs between us and the heat of the result as he comes down from a good fifteen or twenty second shooting.

He pants over my ears more as he recovers, holding me close. "Thank you, Allie."

"Anything for my favorite fox." I shift uncomfortably but settle for cuddling with the comatose fox. His breathing eventually slows to a sleeping pace, and I listen to the peaceful sounds of his heart and soft sighs until I join him in a brief nap. Guess I don't need to know his past to find out he's fine with paws...

May 23, 2014

Friday

"Tell me again what he calls you?"

"'Allie.' I think it's got a nice ring to it." Seth gives me one of those looks. "What?"

"You're just choked up because someone gave you a cute pet name. It could be 'tailraiser' and you'd be fine with it as long as they cuddled you afterwards."

I gasp, blushing and flustered. "That is so not true! You know it isn't!" He just gives me sarcastic nod. I sigh, looking back to the TV. "I do think it's a cute pet name, of course. Especially since he came up with it himself. It's one of those finding-out-who-people-are-through-things-they-don't-tell-you kind of deals."

Seth brushes his longer hair out of his face. "You really think so? I couldn't have foreseen you settling with someone and taking on a nickname like that. You don't seem the type."

I shrug. "I have been called worse. Not by anyone so close to me, either. A lot of 'friends' back home called me Lexi. I didn't like that one as much."

He nods. Seth hangs out at my place basically anytime except for whenever I tell him not to for the sake of Aaron being around. He lives in a dorm with two other people, which is more than normal. He hates the cramping, I like the company, so we just spend a lot of nights together.

I'm a real stickler for making sure he isn't around even when I think there's a chance that fox might show up, though. That three-week grace period of his heartbreak and my emotional turmoil is probably the most extreme exception. Seth avoided me I think because he was scared I'd tack right onto anyone close. That isn't far from the truth.

Thinking on that, I know I looked bad. Like, extremely bad. I guess what anyone would have to remember, me included, is that this is just as new to me as it is for Aaron. I won't lie and say being intimate is new, but there's a huge difference that's made when you sprinkle (or pour, especially) emotions into that whole mess.

But, because you're with someone you care about emotionally, it should be that much more fulfilling, right? I can say I've never felt better about getting my partner off and not sharing that glory. Still feeling a little achy...

"Yo, Seth?"

"Yo, Lexi?" It takes a good half of my brain stopping the other half from slapping him.

"You wouldn't happen to be interested in doing...something tonight, would you?"

The gryphon gives me another look. This one is an extraordinary mix of confusion, anticipation, and forbidding. "Didn't you say you want to be a one-man fox?"

That's not a no. "We talked about it a little when he woke up Wednesday. He said he wouldn't be doing anything with anyone else, but that if he couldn't keep pace and help me out, he said he was alright with me finding someone else." And he really did. Honest. Whether he forgot or didn't want to talk about me not actually getting off Wednesday night I won't ever know.

He sighs, looking at the TV before looking back at me like something over there told him where to go. There's still a conflict in his eyes, and I respect that immensely. The pain in my pants is less appreciative. "I think you were kind of there already, you know? I feel bad for sleeping with you up to this point if it wasn't really okay yet."

Two feelings resonate in me. One tells me I should think about the position I'm putting my friend in. The other one details what kind of position I want him to put me in. I crawl over to his side of the couch, hugging myself to his arm while my left paw takes a wandering field trip. "I can understand that, but didn't I tell you he would be okay with it anyway?"

He turns the TV off. "Maybe that was when you had my cock shoved down your throat, so I couldn't hear you," he growls deeply, reaching behind me to cup what's under my tail.

Satisfaction in getting what I want rolls over me like a slow wave. "Doesn't seem like you mind..."

He scritches over my ears. "And I have a feeling I won't tonight, either."

***

"Mph... You weren't kidding, gryph. I can_tell_you haven't been with anybody since that raven."

He chuckles through his panting, hugging me close and keeping our sticky bits close to each other's. I may just be numb from his size and barbs, but it feels a little like he wants a second round. "I've been trying, but something about birds and twinky foxes like you seem to be the winning competitors. Like it or not, that defaults a lot of weight on your shoulders, Al."

He rubs his beak up and along the side of my face, nipping at my ears when he can. His taloned paws play over my chest in a much more playful than relaxing way. "Enough for another go?"

He thrusts against me again, getting a yip from me and a low predatory growl from him. "Can you read my mind?"

***

After the gryphon is left snoring against me and I feel sore in all the right places and all the right ways, I get very reflective. I used to, and sometimes it feels like I still do, let my desires decide my path.

That isn't all bad. I can't complain that I have physical solace in Seth and emotional development with Aaron. Where I can find myself a little wanting is in the fact they aren't the same person. I have yet to have found someone who could be both for me. Maybe I just have too high of expectations?

I pull the sheet over our resting forms, more for the bird since all he has is my small contribution of warmth to get through the night. He mumbles something in his sleep and pulls me against him again.

As my thoughts evolve, I find myself wondering why he and that raven split up. They seemed great for one another. He even fit the bird descriptor for this picky gryphon.

Couldn't be a friends with benefits thing, either. The stickiness in and out of my tailhole tells me I'm the only one around for _that_need. It's odd considering how hot of a lay the gryphon is. And exotic. And productive...

But I guess it doesn't matter why they don't see each other. I don't want to involve myself unless he asks for help. The only other person I could ask would be Aaron, but I doubt he keeps track of other people's lives like that. He's too mousy to be nosy.

At the same time, though, I find myself not wanting to stick to the same path of avoidance that I have all along. I've dodged other people's lives because I know I can't stay easily connected past graduation. I think it's an okay excuse for a little while, but after so much time around the same folks, why can't I make the excuse to become involved?

Maybe even helpful, to some extent.

June 1, 2014

Sunday

I walk into the laundromat with a list in mind. A couple of goals, if you will. I'm the kind of fox that has trouble staying on target when that isn't the case.

When Aaron sees me he immediately blushes, and I know exactly why. A certain look passes through his eyes that tells me he knew he'd see me next here, and that all he can think about is what we last did. "Hey, fluffybutt. What's new?"

I settle on a drying machine, idly playing with my paws and laying my eyes over his as-mentioned posterior as he attempts to focus on his task. He's quiet for a little while, but I've learned that it generally means he's okay. He's just thinking. "I thought about what I told you last. About other partners and stuff..." He turns to make eye contact with me again, biting his lip and turning back before admitting, "I think I'm jealous about sharing you."

I feel surprised, and I'm not sure why. I can see anyone being at least a little bit jealous, because after all, caring for and about someone is intimate itself. It's not a three-person deal. Not usually, anyway.

But I don't know why I feel surprised. The fox just seems so disinterested for the physical part of us that I guess I didn't think twice about finding someone else who does. Carefully, I ask, "Is there something you want to do about that? Would you rather me not see anyone else?"

His ears fold. I can tell he thinks it sounds a lot worse than it should. There's no other way to phrase it that's worth time mentioning. "I sound territorial that way."

I reach out to put a paw on his shoulder and turn him so he'll face me. His eyes wander when he gets too uncomfortable to hold contact with me, but otherwise I know he's honest. And innocent. "I don't care how it sounds. What do you want to do to fix that, Aaron?"

He sighs softly. "Can I ask you something?"

Oh boy. "Go ahead."

A few seconds pass. He looks into my eyes with piercing veracity. "Have you taken me up on that offer yet?"

I figured it'd come to this at some point. I will tell him about Seth. But from how long ago? "Yeah. Yeah I have."

He looks hurt for a while, but I resolve that he needs to come to his own sense of closure. It's already happened, and he told me it'd be okay. It isn't fair to say so and be mad when I take him up on it. That's a woman thing, anyway.

...What? Tell me I'm wrong!

He nods. "Okay. I guess that's the price I pay for blue-balling you, eh?" He still looks honestly hurting inside when I see his eyes again. I can't bring myself to mention how early Seth and I go.

I lean out and kiss his nose. "Don't worry about that part, hon. I fixed that. You just need to decide how okay with me being out and around you are. I can stop if you want me to, but I need you to tell me."

He swallows, looking away again. "I was so mad at myself for feeling jealous that I thought I could bring myself to not being as shy. I..." he clears his throat, still squeaking as he continues, "I ended up getting borrowing something from Davis so I could...'practice' having something back there again." He blushes hard as he makes eye contact with me again.

I don't know whether to find his pink features or his attempts to keep me interested the most endearing, so I settle for absolute admiration that he'd even try so hard just for me. "I feel like this might be better to talk about outside of the laundromat, hm?"

He nods emphatically at first, but then thinking a little into what I said, he hesitates a bit more and his ears fold. "Y-you don't mean--"

"No. I meant talking. As long as that's what you want." He nods enthusiastically again. He tells me he wants to finish his laundry first, so we hang out a while longer.

We chat about finals and what our plans are for summer. He tells me about his plans to move to Seattle and try to get something published. I tell him about the firm my dad wants to stick me to work at. "So you really are expected to do a whole bunch of stuff when you get back to Siberia?

I nod despite his turned back. "It isn't awful stuff. It's kind of like a rich kid horror movie. Sure, I got to come to the US and spend four years here, but now I have to go back and be my father's son. My saving grace is that I have an older brother. Otherwise I don't think he'd let me out of his sight."

He starts pulling his final load out of the washer and stuffing it into the dryer beside me. "First kid? Is this stuff like inheritance or something?"

I shrug. "I suppose it is. Since more people are using wills now, I guess we'll see when my father dies who he leaves everything to. I won't get as much as my older brother and I think my sister will get less than me. She's unlucky too."

He gives a curious head tilt. "Money-wise?"

"No. She's being put into an arranged marriage to try to ease another couple of businesses all into my father's conglomerate. Somehow, I'm the one with a lot less stress to deal with. At least until he finds an open bride with a lot of power."

He plops down next to me. "You think your dad would force you to marry a woman?"

I shrug again. "I think so. No one home knows I prefer guys. It isn't something particularly shareable right now."

He nods. "I told my parents a while back. Little more than halfway through high school. I was scared to death to tell them, but they ended up wondering why I was so scared to tell them. I guess I was forecasting the worst and got surprised for the effort."

It's a nice story, but it doesn't change how I know my family would react. Even if it wasn't explosive and hostile, there'd still be an expectation for me to follow as a male of the house. They say wolves are all born into the pack mentality, and I think foxes try pretty hard to earn second place.

***

He unlocks his door with very clear hesitation. Or at least, that's what I would look at shaky paws that _should_be pretty practiced with one lock as. "You okay, hon?"

He pushes the door open and holds out his arms for the laundry basket again. "I'm fine. Promise. Just a little anxious."

I'd be lying if I said I haven't seen plenty of first-times. There's even been drunk straight guys who get a little confused and scared.

But nobody ever seemed so nervous as Aaron. I have to figure out why, and I feel like he wanted to tell me as far back as that café meet-up we did. I walked out on him then, but now it's time to make amends.

I lounge on his bed after following him to his room, and lazily watch him fold and put stuff away. "Do you remember that day at the café when you tried to catch me and I ran away?"

He's quiet a while. "Don't think I could forget."

I wince. I figured I left a few scars. "You said you wanted to tell me something that you'd been thinking about, or something like that. Does it have to do with a past relationship?"

More quiet. Fold shirt. Put away. Close drawer. "Yeah. I thought you'd forgotten about it."

I'm hesitant a while. "I was trying to think about why you seem a little nervous around me with a lot of the physical stuff. I've been wondering if that's where your story would've gone had I stayed."

He stops for a second. His ears fold and his muzzle raises like he's about to howl at the moon. When it comes back down, he turns to face me, an old worry written into his features. "I told you I was in an abusive relationship. I think."

That rings a few bells. "I don't remember abusive. Just 'mean.'" But really, who wouldn't have guessed. He seemed to be in a dark place when he mentioned that.

Aaron nods, smirking sadly at his own phrasing. "Yeah. I guess that's one way to put it. Anyways, he was a total asshole to me. I feel so canned anytime I tell this story, but...I really did think he was different before he was with me. Like maybe he was nicer until he could find someone he could call up and bang. I thought maybe I could change him back to his nicer self.

"Regardless, he stayed transformed after we got together. After a few dates he got me to suck him off, and that started the real chain of events. He got...obsessed, or something. He'd call me almost every night wanting to do something. This collar," he touches the collar I'd barely noticed around his neck, "he gave me after I told him I didn't feel loved anymore. He said some stupid thing like I'd always be his. That was his way to get me into bed that night." That collar really does seem to complete his look. I hadn't noticed it before, but the purple and black tones of the small accessory complement his fur and bring out the color in his eyes. He pinks a little as he watches me examine it at a distance.

I can't imagine this was long ago. I don't ask. "So you almost avoid physical relationships because you're afraid the same thing will happen?"

He leans back against his dresser, crossing his arms and looking away in thought for a while. "I don't think it's even that. I thought that overall I was just done with sex. At least for a while. After I finally dumped him with the support of my friends, I got more timid. It's like being with him showed me just how willing I am to kneel down in front of somebody with more self-esteem."

I ponder over that for a while. He is definitely the submissive type, but I'm not certain why that fact has decided to curse him instead of stay benign. I'm more of a switch, but that hardly matters here. I don't find myself paying into abusive boyfriends. "So while you two were together...what kind of stuff did you do? Did you ever enjoy it?"

There's a haunted look in his eye, like he's a war veteran of some sort. "If you're asking if I'm a virgin under my tail, then no, I'm not. I wish I was. He was pretty clever that night. Played me like a violin. He bought me flowers and sat us down at this fancy place. Teased me all night." He sighs sadly. "Still ended up as a thing of passion more than intimacy. In the moment, it felt amazing. But every morning I'd wake up with him dripping out of my muzzle or tail, and I'd feel worse."

I feel terrible to keep asking, but I don't want to make the same mistakes. I make him come sit by me, but I transition it into him lying on top of me with our muzzles close. He props himself up on his elbows. "Worse how?" I finally ask.

He stays thoughtful. I know he isn't sad to admit this to me. It must hurt to relive, but I bet it feels better to get it off his chest. "You'd be surprised. It felt like a vice. Every time I thought about trying to get free, things would get tighter. He'd buy me things or I'd guilt myself into 'one more night.' Eventually that adds up to months of losing track of what I want."

We're quiet a while, and I stroke over his ears, admiring his beautiful, dark facial features up close and in the gentle lighting of his room. He nuzzles against my paw, clearly thankful for the affection I show him. To be honest, it feels natural. I just do what I think I'd want if I was a bundle of cute stuck with a caring fox.

He rests his head on my chest, running his own paw along my tummy. Eventually, quietly, I ask, "What do you want?"

He stays silent a while, but the initial hitch in his breathing pattern tells me he is definitely awake. We seem to end up cuddling a lot more than what should be normal. I don't think it's because we're both always tired. It's more of a thing about being with each other that relaxes us, I think.

Or at least that's me. He opens his eyes, looks right into mine, and admits, "I want to return the favor from last time."

I don't think any guy, especially any guy fox, will try to fight off sex. Not unless he cares a lot about his partner, at least. "You sure? I don't want you to do what you aren't comfortable with. I don't want to push."

He sighs over me again. "You're so sweet. Sometimes I wonder if you've forgotten that you don't have forever on this side of the planet. This isn't my first go, Allie. But I do feel confident that I can give you that part of me now."

I smile at him, wholeheartedly touched. "I passed?"

He chuckles a little, starting to palm over the crotch of my jeans. "Combination of you and me. It's time to be over that part of my life."

"I won't complain."

I know a part of me that won't either.

June 6, 2014

Friday

It's hard to know what's fair in a relationship. That's gotta be my first real lesson to have learned from this whole experience.

What can I do to be selfless and not a complete martyr? How do I keep my good intentions from becoming something negative?

The second lesson I've learned is that I suck at both of those questions. Ever since my paw happened to have gotten Aaron off, he's been stuck in this weird...I'd almost call it vengeance mode. It's like he has to pay me back the favor no matter how uncomfortable it makes him feel.

What's worse is that he hasn't. He tried, on Sunday, to paw me off, but when he saw me naked (I thought maybe the night could become more, sure), he freaked out. It isn't even like I wanted him to strip, either. I just felt he should see me. Maybe I put too much importance into that.

It feels terrible to judge him that way, but he also wants me to stick to stuff with him. It's just about the hardest time I've ever had, and that's not just describing my dilemma.

"See what I'm trying to say here? I don't want to be a scumbag boyfriend and cheat, but I almost can't think straight with all of this pumping through my head."

Seth gives me another of his world-renowned gryphon guilt looks. "You're sure this isn't an elaborate story to make me have sex with you again?"

I shake my head. "I'm better than that." Before he takes offense, I add, "Better than cheating to get off, I mean. Not you." We share a brief laugh. I sigh and cover my face in my paws. "It's just frustrating because it's almost like he doesn't want to do anything with me."

I feel Seth move in front of me, and then my paws are coming back to my sides instead of covering my sight. "Seems to me you need figure out where the boundaries are."

I shake my head. "We talked about that. He even said he wanted to do more with me and stop leaving me out."

He shrugs. "It's simple then. Include yourself. What'd you do the first time? Unzip him and fish his cock out?" I blush a little at his bluntness, but hesitantly nod. "Then next time, why don't you take yours out too? Paw both of yourselves at the same time. You ever felt somebody's dick against yours?"

I flush again, getting a little horny again with the way this conversation's gone. "I have a feeling I should?"

He smiles at me, clapping my shoulder. "Atta boy." He's about the straightest sounding guy who's ever nailed me before. He told me when we met he was bi, but I'm not sure if that has stuck. "Honestly, I think this is a make-or-break for you two."

Seth goes back to where he was sitting, and starts fast forwarding through the commercials for the show we were watching. "How do you mean?"

He hesitates a while. For him, that means something bad. "It's the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I don't wanna talk about it. Let's finish this."

I respect his choice. After all, I pounced on him after his last class of the day, telling him I needed someone to listen to me. I feel a little better to have told him, and I know I get to keep that feeling, because last time I felt really guilty about pulling him into bed with me. Not only for Aaron's sake, but because physical stuff feels wrong without it being with Aaron.

We make it to the loading screen for Netflix to pull up the next episode, then Seth clears his throat. "Where's the fox today, anyway?"

I shift a little. "He took an extra shift today." The unspoken 'Why?' floats around for a while. "He uhm...wanted to buy something for me. So he sacrificed today to make some extra money for it."

He smiles at me, and I smile back, feeling pretty warm inside. I didn't really think about it when Aaron said so, but getting me something just enforces that whole idea of me wanting to be with him and him alone. Seth is nice to me, sure, but he can't really compete with the raw sweetness of that fox. I really do wonder what he thought of to get me, though.

June 14, 2014

Saturday

"Can I open my eyes yet?"

He giggles. "No! Stop trying to peek!" There's more tugs on my paw to keep me stumbling forward until I'm relatively confident we're in his room and the soft place he pushes me down onto is his bed.

I cross my arms, harrumphing. "You're a bully of a good boyfriend."

He laughs again, but gets serious as I can tell he has a hold of whatever he wants. "Okay, let's see...uhm... Sniff this!"

Now that's gotta make the top ten list of weird requests. "Is it bad?"

He sighs in frustration. "No! Sniff!"

He holds some sort of rag in front of my nose, and had it been anyone else, I would be thinking of chloroform. Because it's him, I indulge him. I take a decent whiff, putting more effort forward when I do realize it isn't an awful smell. Actually, it's a really decent scent. Familiar... Wait a second. "What is this exactly?"

He undoes my blindfold. To be honest, he probably didn't need it. Not like I could tell what was going on even if I could've seen. He puts the rag down and sits down next to me. "So I was thinking about how soon you're going to have to leave, and I wanted to do something for you. There's two parts to it, and I don't really have either done yet. That was a preview for one part."

"Was it your scent?" He pinkens a little, his ears pinning a bit. He nods bashfully. "That's amazing."

He looks into my eyes, his own very curious. "Why's that?"

I pull him closer, shifting so he can sit in my lap. It's ironic, actually. He prefers to be held, but we have a really close size. Anything cute we do almost makes him look taller. He has to look down after he settles on my legs. "Because, Aaron. Nobody ever thinks about how much a scent means to us. Foxes, dogs, wolves, anything. It's almost a better way to remember you."

He smiles, still looking really shy. "Almost?"

I lean in and kiss his lips. "Because the best way would be staying right here. Right where you're in arm's reach." That gets the full blush out of him, and I bury my nose in his neck, getting more of that scent he found out about. He coos quietly, surely reacting to the cold air over such a sensitive spot. "This is going to really suck."

He quietly asks, "How possible is it to visit again?"

I hold his paws, pulling back and looking him in the eye again. "To be honest? I'm not sure. There's a hopeful estimate and a scary guess. My best hope would be to somehow receive a job here in the US that is through my father's firm still. It's not likely, but it's a chance I like."

He nods, sighing quietly. "Why'd I have to find you on your way out?"

I smile sadly. "That's just the way things would go, isn't it?"

He places a paw over my heart. "I could say so many cliché things right now. None of them would describe how I feel when you're around, though."

There's a fluttering in my chest. "Yeah? I'm happy to hear it."

He licks my nose. "Why's that?"

"Cause I think the same thing. Probably doubly so, though. You should've seen! Ugh, it was awful." I shake my head in recollection, but try to keep the suspense as low as possible. "When I first started having feelings for you, I was a mess. I couldn't handle the idea that I'd want any one specific person so bad when I know I won't stay."

He kisses me, rumbling quietly. He whispers, "That must've sucked."

I kiss back. "Not half as terrible as I imagine it was to hear it when you did."

He nods a little. "That was bad, yeah. But don't worry about it, okay? We're past that. Back then I thought it was going to be all sunshine and rainbows. I thought we'd stay together until we graduate. Man, I didn't even think about you being a senior."

I smile again, touching noses to his. "I think both of us have that curse. Looking a little younger than we are? Not a terrible thing, Aaron."

"Right now it is."

Before either of us can start crying, I hug him tightly. I know his world must be in a jumble by now. We've only just finished finals, too. It's great because now we know we get the next two and a half weeks together unconditionally, but it's awful because now our time of seeing each other is a lot easier to count down.

I can't really describe how it feels. I don't want to say it's like knowing someone will die, but it almost is that way. They'll be dead to you, at the very least. The saving grace is that it isn't forever, and that maybe someday the two of us can meet again.

Someday I'll hug this fox again. Someday we'll kiss again. Someday we'll hold each other until we can't remember how it feels to be otherwise.

June 30, 2014

Monday

"It's here! It's here!" Aaron comes running from the front door all the back to where I'm waiting on my couch. "Alex, it's here!"

He almost plows into me in his excitement, sitting right next to me despite the fact that we were entangled not five minutes ago. "Calm down a little, honey. What's here?"

"It came just on time. Here, open this." He hands me this nondescript little box still packaged like it's flown the world.

I get through the tape with my claws and open the top. Under a disproportionate amount of bubble wrap was a small vial of a dark blue liquid. I only say vial because for it's small size, it couldn't be called much else. Aaron's reaction when he sees it is far more excited than mine. "What is it?"

He almost yanks it from me just so he can hand it back to me faster. "Smell!"

Just from the outside of it, I can smell that it's his scent again. Differently, though, there's a lot more depth to it. This one is a lot closer to his scent than some bottled perfume. "It's exactly like you."

"Sniff again. When I had it done, they asked me to send in as many variations of my scent as I like. It's actually kind of freaky how they do it."

I give the bottle a more thorough investigation, uncorking the thing to take a more direct whiff. It's strong, but it's also elegant in the same way my fox is. Rather than being taken aback like straight-sniffing a bottle of whiskey, I have to pull myself away from wanting to go back for more. "Did they layer your musk in here?"

He giggles, blushing a little. "I almost didn't think you'd find it. Yeah! They also had me do a couple of other samples. Did you know you smell slightly different when you're really happy or even when you've just gotten done laughing a lot?"

I poke him in the tummy, making him giggle. I cork the vial again. "This is incredible. Now I'll never forget what's important."

He kisses my nose. "You won't get a sample of my laughing or my smile or my kisses, though."

I gently set down the glass into its box before tackling Aaron over the couch so his head lands on a pillow. "I can get plenty of those today..." I growl playfully as I kiss him over and over again, pulling away before he can reciprocate and poking his tummy when he does.

My heart is awash with emotion as we spend the next few hours enjoying nothing but each other. It's unbelievable how much he's come to mean to me considering we haven't known each other half a year. I still feel like I know so little about him that only time could ever reveal. I will be back, though, I promise myself.

I look down over my black fox, admiring him from a weird perspective for a while. He nips my nose in curiosity, voicing his question. I kiss him one last time before gently settling over him. "I love you so much, Aaron. You're not allowed to forget."

"Same to you, waggly tail. Except you have something to help." He hugs me closer, resting his muzzle over my head.

"I didn't get you anything, though. Your job is harder."

He's quiet for a while. "Can I admit something weird?"

Nothing he's ever asked or done after that question has ever gotten to me. "Fire away."

He's quiet again. He clears his throat. "That first day we tried anything...under your tail, you had on an undershirt because you were kinda dressed up." It was a button-up shirt. I almost exclusively wear those. "Well, I...kept it."

"Yeah? That doesn't sound like the most pleasant base for my scent."

"You'd be surprised, actually. I guess since all we did was go out somewhere to eat and you were being a bully teasing me for a couple of hours, you didn't really sweat into it. After they told me about the different subsets of scent for emotions and stuff, I went and smelled it again."

I poke his tummy, making him squirm a little. "How was I feeling?"

He giggles a little. "You were pretty excited. I can't lie, I was too. The best part is that it was so close to you that it kept a lot of you just in general. That's your contribution to me, if you want everything to be even."

"It might fade before we see each other again."

"It won't."

"But--"

"I'd sooner buy myself a plane ticket to Moscow and hire the Russian mafia to find you before that shirt fades."

"Noted."

July 1, 2014

Tuesday

"I'm going to miss you," his ears tell me.

"I might never see you again," says his tail.

"I love you," whisper his eyes.

I'm helpless to reply but for a faint apology emphasized by all of my features. We stare wordlessly at one another for the extra thirty minutes being early has given us. It's only after so much time, interspersed with hugs and quiet sobbing, that I realize I have one more piece to tell him. Something I couldn't bring myself to say yesterday.

"Aaron, if you find...someone else," I bite my lip, about to sob again, "if you find someone else, please promise me you won't...hold back on my account."

Tears glide down his cheeks, his eyes looking aged from the crying I know he's been suffering from for a long time by now. Quietly, he protests, shaking his head, "I-I couldn't ever--"

I bump my nose to his, too upset to really want to kiss him despite the feeling being plenty present. "Please. Promise me that."

_ _ "Now boarding for Flight 328 to Moscow. We're now seating the front of the plane: rows 1 through 6."

He looks into my eyes with the most helpless expression I've ever not wanted to see. More than any stranded survivor on a desert island, or a jungle explorer with no compass, or a defenseless animal with no help in a harsh environment, he looks lost.

After a while, he cries out again, closing his eyes and butting his head into my shoulder. "P-please tell me this isn't the end. Then I'll promise you." 10 ROWS

I wrap my arms around him again. "Now boarding rows 1 through 8 for Flight 328 to Moscow. Please ensure to allow people with small children towards the front of the line. Thank you."

I swallow so hard it hurts afterwards. The dread winding itself around my mind and stomach has me choked up. It takes a few solid minutes of feeling his heart beat in time with mine to finally speak up. "I promise I will come back for you, and I'll never stop writing you." Coming back is less of a promise I can assuredly keep, but I think we both know that one pretty well. Eventually? I will come back. I have to.

He sobs again, but pulls back to look me in the eye. A few more tears. "I know you will. I promise I won't freak out without you, however easy that'll be."

I shush him gently, brushing over his ears and kissing his nose. "It never has to be that way. Just remember what you like about me. Find someone else. I know you'll find someone."

He nods slowly, whimpering quietly. "As we have a smaller plane, folks, we are now accepting any seats on plane 328 to Moscow. Layovers may find their seats as well as anyone through the last rows of 9 to 16."

I start to loosen my grip on him, and he squeezes me tight. "I have to go, Aaron."

The sorrow in his eyes boils over anew, the redness and irritation in them failing to camouflage the raw beauty of those gems. "I love you, Alex. I can never thank you enough."

I wipe his cheeks, laughing weakly. "Thank me for...?"

"Loving me unconditionally."

I hug him tightly again one last time, pulling away as I get scared of the plane leaving without me. I look back over my shoulder the entire walk, experiencing a thrill of emotional shock up and down my spine. When my line of vision is broken, I start to feel numb.

I ignore the lady who takes a seat next to me, even as she apologizes for some reason I don't catch. My head aches almost worse than my heart. I rest my head against the wall of the plane, hoping maybe that discomfort can distract me from my glaring pains. I'll never forget you, Aaron, I think to him, hoping against hope he knows how I feel.

A random mind blink reminds me to strap in to the plane before I forget. I struggle with my seatbelt for a few minutes before finally clicking the thing closed with a sigh of base relief. Afterwards, I fall into a sleep with my eyes open. A trance. A sadness I'm not sure I'll ever overcome.

_ "Good afternoon folks, you are aboard Flight 328 flying non-stop to Moscow, Russia. Strap in and prepare yourselves for an approximately 14 hour flight. If you direct your attention to the front of the plane, you will see our onboard flight attendants presenting some information on inflight safety. Thank you for flying Pan Airlines!"_

_ _