Behind Yellow Eyes: Chapter 6
Chapter 6.
I can't believe it. What the hell have I done? The most important person in my whole life, and I went and locked what has to be the worst thing there is, around his neck. And it's owned by... him. The extent of the situation grows in my head like a corrupting fungus as I stare at Sinclair. Only moments ago, my arms were wrapped around him and I was so happy, we both were.
Now he's looking at me like I'm a threat, and I can smell it, too.
I need more than anything to get a look at his yellow eyes, to deliver my apology with all my heart, but he keeps looking away. Avoiding me, while explaining his past with Mist, how he grew up with his blood brother. All that the two of them went through, as slaves. His parents abandoned them when they were just pups.
I have a building sense of understanding as he speaks. That he was owned as mere property for so long. It sounds to me like fear is an old emotion of his, one he is well acquainted with. But it's been absent from his mind, for a very long time. Sinclair isn't afraid of the unknown, only fear itself. The collar is bringing that fear back, fresh and strong.
"A Mark 6, you don't even know the half of what these can do, Keman." He shakes his muzzle. "It's safe to say, he's listening right now."
The interior of the limo seems to grow colder as I think about that. Mist isn't all that bad of a person, is he? So much history I now have with him, and not all of it was bad. Or was it? It's just the power, that I remember most. That's what he represents.
Picturing him, it's the same feeling I get when I walk near the deuterium containment system on my ship. So much stored energy, all that H3 fissioned and fused, both, suspended in a state of quantum flux. The ultimate reaction postponed until it's guided out the back end. Mist is explosive strength and fearless cunning, to me. The tricks he played on my head, it was like he danced on my brain. That I have a hard time hating him is proof of his meddling. I should hate him to the core of my being. I know this truly, but the awareness doesn't help; only time might.
"I've got the app in my wetware, I've seen the areas it can control." Sexuality, mobility, and mood, just to name a few. Enough to make me bisexual, I realize. Maybe even straight? I shiver, pushing that thought away. I like who I am.
"The app?" He laughs. "Fuck the app. There's a control suite I've got back at the house that'll blow your mind. Extra hardware you have to buy to really control this thing." He runs his fingers under it, like maybe it's gotten tighter. "How do you think I projected myself into your mind?" he asks. "No, you haven't seen the half of it. This is the end of this product line, I highly doubt there will ever be a Mark 7. There is nothing you can't control with this. I want more than anything to find the race that's designing them.
"We knew you'd gravitate to one of these, Keman. It's just how you work, we were ready and waiting for someone to scoop you up. We had the whole station inhibited from activating a Mark 6. You crave dominance as much as I enjoy red meat. Don't deny it. And that isn't a bad thing, not at all. But we intercepted the registration process," Sin wrinkles his muzzle. "The same way Mist just did to you. Either by relay, or maybe he's in orbit right now." He pauses. "I doubt he's local," he says, shaking his muzzle.
I mull that over, unsure of what to say. He breaks the silence with more bad news.
"Zach is going to kill you." Our eyes finally meet, and it's me who has to look away. I've let Zach down, too.
"He's going to wonder what went wrong with our project," Sin continues. "And he's either going to think that Mist corrupted you as part of a grand plan to get at me. Or, he'll think there's something else wrong with you, some weakness which allowed this to happen. He'll be afraid that it might happen again, even after we get the situation fixed." Anger wilts all my fear like a heavy gamma laser aimed at a field of wheat. Fire explodes in my mind.
"What?" I yell. "He's not one to talk, that fucker!" Tears enter my vision as my mind continues to digest the idea of me being a threat to my alpha, my real alpha. I suddenly growl low and deep in my throat, and the sound surprises me into silence. I worry about where that just came from, because the last time I did it, was to another wolf, one who had tried to take my food. I hurt him, and I remember how much I enjoyed it, he really had it coming.
A scent of discomfort sends a cold shiver down my spine when I realize it's Sin's. He's looking at me curiously. I'm not the Keman he remembers. Oh, Dog, who have I become?
I hunch in on myself, hugging my arms over my chest, too afraid to meet his gaze. Mist's death was fake , and he knew whom I'd return to. The sudden idea I had, which seems laughable to me, now. Collaring my alpha? Where the fuck did that even come from? I stare down at my black fur and tongue the empty sockets at the front of my mouth. I feel incredibly damaged and fucked up. I shut my eyes and my whole body tenses up.
"Come here, Keman." His voice is gentle and apologetic. I can't open my eyes, because tears won't stop coming out if I do, and then he'll see and they'll really start pouring, I'll start crying, and I won't be able to stop. I've never been more sorry in all my life. I've never felt regret hurt this badly.
I move as if I'm mortally wounded, slow and terrified, angry and confused, because there's no outlet for it but to hate myself. I sit down next to him and he leans into me, putting one of his big arms around me to hold me against him. He feels warm and strong; I bury my muzzle into his thick fur, and suddenly I can't hold my breath anymore.
It comes out, shuddering, ragged. I cry so hard, because of everything. It's all been too much for one person, one life. And now I've done something so terrible to my alpha, instincts sing inside my head, jump off a cliff, just do it now ! And I want to.
"Keman." His voice is so gentle.
But it's too much, it's just too fucking much , there's only so much one person can handle! Six hundred years, ten as a wolf, ten as a Rhenthar, that personality, this personality, my personality, now what? I just can't handle it!
"Keman." Relentless, yet still ignored.
I've hurt him. Oh, Dog, I've hurt him and the pain hasn't even started, the things Mist can do to him now, so easily, it's all my fault , every single bit of it, my fault!
"Hey." He holds me tighter.
It... he... me.
I'm far past being embarrassed, letting him see me cry like this. I snort a big load of tears back down my throat, and wipe my eyes so I can glance at him, and then I look down at my hands, my paws. Thick, leathery paw pads, dull claws. I owe him the life in this body, my life.
"I still love you, Keman." His words are like warm sunlight breaking through the clouds on a frigid day.
I play that back in my head a few times; I need to make sure it's what I thought I heard. I put my arms around him and hold him. I can't say anything, because my throat is so tight.
The limo continues to cruise in silence, and if I have only one wish, in all of my lives, it would cruise forever, from that point forward.
Unending.