If wishes were horses
Jake finds a funky metal creamboat but rubbing it gets him more then he bargained for...
A short story I whipped up a few years ago about some wishes gone wrong...
Copyright 2017, Everett Bluebooks
Jake lifted another teacup and groaned. He hated being stuck in this stupid store, babysitting all this old junk. It might have been his parents dream to own an antique store but it certainly wasn't his. Now that he was graduated from high school and had 3 months before starting college his parents figured it would be a great time to take a vacation from the store.
"Whatever", Jake thought. It's only been 2 weeks of my life I'll never get back. I'm almost done, only a few more days then they'll be home.
He finished dusting the teacup and placed it next to the other matching china. At least they could have put their goofy antique store someplace fun, a city or even a small town. Nope, he thought, they just haaad to be out in the country.
It was a pretty cool building, he thought as he looked around. Must have been some kind of general store back in the day, or maybe a post office, and they had fixed it up nice.
Jake lifted another dish, dusted it, and set it back down.
Still, this place was so slow, not really even worth keeping open on the weekdays. On the weekend when people were out on a drive he at least got lookers and sometimes buyers. Weekdays? Pfft. Nothing.
He noticed a glint in the afternoon sun, something faded gold in the back of the piles of old dishes. peering over the other objects it looked like maybe a brass cream boat or something. Grabbing it with his arm extended he was surprised to find it heavier then it looked and when he pulled it out of the hutch it nearly slipped from his hand. It was some kind of vessel for a liquid with a handle and spout and a knob of sorts on top. Jake stared at it, examining the surface closely. It was tarnished, faded, nearly green with age, but underneath were hints of intricate lines and patterns.
"How did they miss this?" Jake said aloud to noone in particular. "They're such neat freaks about dusting and cleaning and this things a mess!"
He rubbed at it with the soft cloth he'd been using to dust but the tarnish was old and deep and wouldnt be moved by such a simple force.
Jake was curious now and headed back to the counter. Pulling up a new browser window he searched "How to clean faded gold metal". Results varied, but he saw "Lemon juice and baking soda mixed into a paste" and a thought struck him. Sure enough, the ancient fridge in the back room had an open box of baking soda in the back and a quick trip to the soda machine out front produced a bottle of lemonade. "Close enough!" Jake giggled. As he mixed the two together in a little dish there was a loud clunk and he turned to see the little brass kettle-thing had fallen over, almost falling off the counter in the process.
"Weird..." Jake said suspiciously, staring at the little object that had nearly fallen off into a pile of antique curtains and drapes.
He picked it up and began to rub the sticky paste onto the surface, working it in little circles then wiping it off. Nothing, no effect, it seemed. He added more paste and ground it on harder this time, pushing with force as he ran the cloth over the faded metal. Just the slightest bit lighter now, a little spot of lines and symbols becoming visible.
"What the hell, why isnt this thing coming clean?" Jake thought as he worked the cloth and sticky paste against the metal. "Maybe I need real lemon juice instead of soda" he laughed to himself.
An hour later Jake still sat at the counter, grinding the paste into the slowly brightening little circle on the object when suddenly:
FWOOOMP
He fell off the little stool at the counter as the sound and feel of air rushing in filled his senses.
Jake spun as he jumped up off the floor to find a man standing in the back of the store.
"HEY!" he called out, mind reeling. There hadn't been any customers in the store a moment ago! The man looked slightly older then him, maybe his 30's? his hair was long and unkempt and a pair of large sunglasses covered his eyes. Jake stood staring at the man in a green tshirt, beige cargo shorts, and sandals still standing there when suddenly the man moved towards him.
Not walked....just sort of...glided. His feet didn't move but he was clearly coming closer.
Jake stumbled back against the counter, mugs full of pennies and spare pens and a pile of old magazines flying off as his arms knocked into them.
"What the hell!" Jake shouted. The man or entity or ghost or whatever the hell it was gliding closer to him. The disheveled man slid up until he could nearly reach out and touch Jakes prone figure, then he tilted his head and grinned revealing a mouth of teeth that were not well cared for.
Jake's eyes went wide. What was this psychopath going to do to him? Staring into the dark lenses of the stranger's sunglasses was like looking into a black hole, he felt sucked in like he was losing himself to the void when the man drawled in a gravely baritone:
"Boo."
Jake passed out.
He woke slowly, opening his eyes to find himself cranked back in an old recliner staged as part of a 1950's living room. He rubbed his eyes and then the bump on his head, feeling confused about everything he remembered. slowly he cranked the recliner forward to a sitting position when the stranger rounded the corner and Jake felt his heart begin to race.
"Whoa, whoa, easy fella. No passing out again" the man said.
Jake stared back with wide eyes.
"Just relax dude. No need to go apoplectic on me" The man said, munching a candy bar.
"Apo-what?" jake said.
"Don't they teach you kids anything these days? Geezus." He mumbled, mouth half filled with chocolate and peanut candy.
"And lets talk about your selection of food in this place. I had to borrow your wallet and get something from out front."
Jake flailed for a second, realizing his wallet wasnt in his shorts where he'd left it. He turned sharply and stared at the man.
"Chill kid, it's over there on the counter. I'm not trying to rob you or anything, I'm just really hungry. Must have been in that thing 20 or 30 years."
"What? In what thing?" Jake asked.
"In the lamp, duh. You seriously haven't put all this together yet? Don't they teach you kids anyhting anymore?"
Jake just stared at him, confused.
"Lamp? what lamp?"
"Oh. My God. You really dont have any idea whats going on here do you?" The man said.
"What? What do you mean? Who are you anyways?" Jake said, staring as the man finished his candy bar and sipped the lemonade from the bottle he'd used to make the paste earlier.
"Ugh, what is this shit?" The man spat "how do they even get away with calling this lemonade?"
Jake watched from the recliner as he spat onto the floor and suddenly realized the man wasnt really standing so much as floating, his sandals hovering a few inches clear of the wood floor. His eyes went wide and he felt himself go lightheaded again as the man began snapping his fingers loudly.
"Hey! Hey! Kid stay with me here! Good lord, you people. Look. I'm Larry, and I'm a genie. I've been stuck in that lamp for a milennia or two doing my best to avoid you people. You managed to rub my lamp and so by part 72 section B paragraph 7 of the International Genie Code as established at the 1685 second convention of Genies I now must grant you 3 wishes as defined by the wish request handbook of that same convention."
He slid across the floor, legs unmoving, and handed Jake a small black book which had appeared in his hand.
Jake looked down at the book, it's cover reading simply "Wish granting Handbook" in gold block lettering.
"Read that first then get back to me with whatever wishes you think you want granted or questions or whatever. Hey does somebody deliver pizza out here or something? Chinese? Rendering a corporal body onto your plane really leaves me famished."
"What the fuck" Jake said, astonished. "You expect me to believe you popped out of that fucking cream boat or whatever just because I rubbed it? And wishes? What sort of wishes? Like money and stuff? Are you even for real? And Larry? What the hell sort of name is that for a genie?"
The man slid over and reached out his hand.
"It's short for Lawrence. Touch it. Go ahead."
Jake poked it tentatively. It felt real, gave when he pushed his finger into it. it was warm and looked like any other hand he'd ever paid any attention to.
Suddenly in a flash of motion Larry yanked the hand back and slapped Jake across the face.
"OW!" Jake screamed, rubbing his cheek "What the fuck was that for?"
"Feel real?" Larry asked, grinning
"Yeah and it fucking hurts! Aren't I your master now or something? There's gotta be some kind of rule against smacking me around or something."
Jake picked up the little handbook again and began flipping through it.
"Doesn't this thing have a table of contents somewhere? Gotta be a section on rules..."
Larry sighed loudly. "Look kid, I'm sorry. I won't hit you again. Just needed to prove a point. Now have you figured out what you want? I was kinda busy in there before you got all crazy with the rubbing with my lamp. Cream boat...good lord..." He pointed back at the lamp on the counter, shaking his head.
Jake looked at him quizzicaly "You mean you're conscious inside there? It's not just black void or something? How do you even fit in there?"
Larry shook his head. "Dude. I'd go crazy if it was just some black hole or something stupid like that. No, that thing's just a temporal portal generator that's bound to my plane of existence. I've actually got a pretty sweet pad on the other side of that thing. Little place just far enough out in the country to get away from the other schmucks in my world but still be able to get good internet and have dinner delivered. I kinda don't like other people, thats why I signed a contract to be a genie. I only have to pop over here when somebody figures out how to rub the thing, then I get to go back home and relax. Pays the same either way but I'd really prefer to go home. So what'll it be?"
Jake looked back to the little handbook
"So there's rules? I can't just ask for anything?"
Larry shook his head "Yeah, kid. That's what I said earlier when I handed you the RULE. BOOK. Read up for a few minutes and save me having to explain it all. Where's the phone? I'm serious about that pizza."
He floated back to the counter and started typing on the keyboard then picked up the phone.
Jake flipped back to the beginning of the little book and began to read, chuckling to himself as Larry tried to order the largest possible pizza from Don Carpagna's Pizza Shack.
An hour later Larry was finishing up the last of the pizza, a noticeable belly pushing out his t-shirt from his middle. He belched loudly then licked his fingers.
"Man, we don't have anything that good on my plane. I love me some pizza."
Jake laughed then closed the little book
"Alright Larry, I think I've got a handle on the rules here. Let's start with something simple.
"Sure!" Larry said enthusiastically. "Lets get started!" He began rubbing his palms together and pulled his legs up into a sitting position without actually getting any closer to the floor. A soft glow formed in the space between his hands.
"So...I've got this problem.." Jake stammered "I think I'm kinda small"
Larry looked at him through the sunglasses, the glow disappearing as he pulled his hands apart. "small where? you look tall enough to me."
Jake felt his face fluster as he started to blush. "Small...down there. My last girlfriend laughed the first time she saw me naked and we never actually had sex. She thought I was joking when I told her I wanted her to be..umm...my first" He looked at the floor, face red with shame
Larry tapped his fingers on his thigh as he floated in midair. "Okay...umm...wow. I'm sorry kid, thats rough. I can certainly help with that...how big do you wanna be down there?"
Jake squirmed in the chair "I dunno...big, I guess. I wanna be impressive, hung like a horse!"
There was a flash of light and Jake suddenly felt his pants grow uncomfortably tight in the crotch. "AHH! what the hell!" he doubled over as he tried to work the buttons of his shorts and loosen the pressure in his groin. Pulling them down, he gaped in horror at his new "package".
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS LARRY?" he demanded, carefully poking the foot long horse cock attached to his crotch.
Larry sighed loudly, taking off his sunglasses and setting them on the empty pizza box. "You gotta be careful, kid. You say "I want" and you'll get what you ask for, no questions asked"
"But you didn't even have your hands together and glowing or anything! It just happened!" Jake said furiously.
Larry shrugged slightly "That's really just a party trick. Doesn't do anything."
"And what the hell am I supposed to even do with this? It's as big around as my arm!" Jake said, lifting the half-flacid foot long horse dick off his lap and wiggling it angrily.
Larry laughed "Sorry kid, you gotta be careful. You even read the manual. That is a pretty impressive piece though. Look on the bright side, you wont get laughed anymore."
As Jake fumed in anger the sensation of touch started arousing his new equipment. Slowly the dick began to swell, getting thicker around and longer as Larry watched in amusement.
"There's gotta be a way to fix this!" Jake nearly shouted in desperation, his new cock now so big he couldn't even wrap his hand around the shaft.
"Well...there is an appeal you can file with customer service" Larry began "but the wait times are getting pretty long these days. Likely two, maybe three of your entire lifetimes before the panel will get to your case."
Jake flared to anger and stood from his chair, shorts falling around his ankles and cock poking out like another limb from his crotch when he felt another new sensation of weight between his legs. Anger quickly subsiding he looked down to find a large fuzzy sack dangling down and two giant heavy orbs inside it, each the size of an orange. He hefted the sack, the mass startling him. Arousal gone, his erection slumped down slowly and hung between his legs. Jake looked at Larry with a look of sad resignation.
"Sorry kid." Larry said again.
Jake kicked off the shorts from his ankles and wandered to the clothing section of the store, slowly waddling as he tried to adjust to the new pendulous mass swinging from between his legs. He returned a moment later wearing a pair of sweatpants with a clearly noticeable bulge in the crotch.
"Look, Larry, I'm gonna go home. Just...I dunno. Stay here or something. You cool with that?"
Larry looked indifferent "Yeah, sure kid. I can hang out here for a bit."
"Great!" Jake said, and began locking up the doors.
Jake sat at the desk in his bedroom thinking about the events of the day and what to do next. A genie was not what he'd expected to have in the shop today and a horse dick was not even on his radar before this afternoon. Really the dick wasn't so bad, he thought, but the balls were just silly. Already he'd sat on them twice by accident and Both times he'd nearly thrown up at the resulting pain. They were just so sensitive! Apparently the balls weren't the only thing sensitive he realized as his new dick began to swell in his pants. It did feel good he thought, and surely it wouldn't hurt to explore his new girth just a little before asking the genie to fix it tomorrow. He grabbed a bottle of slick sauce from a small box and applied some liberally to the shaft. Slowly he stroked it with a hand, impressed as it swelled even more to an almost absurd size. He truly was hung like a horse now, the mammoth shaft nearly two feet long. He was genuinely surprised he didn't black out with an erection that big. Still stroking the shaft with one hand, his mind awash with new sensations of touch and pleasure, he opened a new Secret Session in his browser. His thoughts rolled through what he'd jerked himself off to before but nothing really caught his interest. A new idea formed deep in his subconscious, boiled up, and before he knew it Jake was browsing animal husbandry videos. Settling on a video called "horse with donkey" he quickly became lost in arousal as the two animals mated on screen. He set the video on repeat and drizzled more lube across his hand and shaft before tossing the bottle to the side. Both hands locked around his new cock sliding up and down it in a death grip, he stroked and stroked as the farm animals winnied and brayed on screen.
"Oh...Oh yes. This...is...so...hot" Jake said, sweat building on his forehead at the effort of stroking his monster cock. His pleasure building towards climax he lolled his head to the side, tongue dangling out as he panted. "Ungh....Ungh....Yeah...I wanna get into that ass"
Fireworks exploded in his mind as he came, the giant orbs between his legs pulling up as the huge cock began to shoot thick streams of cum onto his face and chest. Jake panted loudly, eyes still closed as the last pulses of orgasm dribbled out onto his hands. Breathing heavily, he leaned back in his chair and let out a relieved sigh.
A small, faint clapping of hands startled him out of his afterglow. He jerked around to find Larry standing there in his bedroom next to a full size donkey that was sniffing the air curiously and looking at him with bright eyes.
"LARRY WHAT THE FUCK!" Jake screamed with his arms waving as little bits of cum flung off his hands.
"Golf clap! Kid you did it again! I TOLD you to be careful what you said!" Larry said admonishingly, a lit joint hanging from one lip.
"I didn't wish for a donkey in my bedroom!" Jake shouted.
Larry shook his head, a small notepad suddenly in his hand. "Right here: 8:07pm. "I wanna get into that ass" were your exact words."
Jake's eyes went wide with astonishment he looked at the donkey then back to the mating scene still playing on his computer, then back to the donkey. Both the donkey on screen and the one still sniffing his bedroom air had similar fur patterns and colors. No...not similar. The same.
Larry looked at him with a sidelong glance, gesturing to the door "You uhh...want me to leave you two alone for a while?"
Jake fumed "Why would I want this Larry?"
"Hey, what you wish for is really none of my business. Hell, this one time a guy asked me to..."
"THERE'S A REAL LIVE DONKEY IN MY BEDROOM LARRY" Jake cut him off
"WHAT DO I DO WITH A REAL LIVE DONKEY?"
Larry shrugged. "I dunno kid. That's your problem."
Jake shook his head. "Unbelievable! Just...Ugh"
He stood from the chair and pushed past Larry and the donkey and headed for the bathroom.
Jake stood at the kitchen stove as Larry hovered in an odd pose in the corner, meditating or...something, Jake figured. Slowly he went through the motions of cooking a simple breakfast, occasionally glancing out the side window at the donkey grazing in the backyard.
"Larry..." Jake began, letting the sentence hang
"Yeah kid?"
"How do I fix this? What do I have to ask for to make this like it never happened?"
Larry opened his eyes halfway.
"You read the rules kid. I'm not allowed to give you specific phrases to create an end result. That would be cheating."
Jake sighed, continuing to cook.
"Larry, I just want to be able to have sex!"
FLASH
Jake shook his head. "Oh no. what happened." He began to pat himself down feeling for anything weirder then the giant genitals still dangling from his crotch. He turned to face Larry who still floated in the corner, a look of disapproval on his shaking head.
"Dang kid, I thought you'd know better by now."
Jake stood scratching his arm with a look of growing concern. He opened his mouth to speak but instead doubled over as his insides did cartwheels. Clutching his belly he felt pressure building inside his chest, his arms, his legs. He tilted back his head and looked at Larry through tears as his body wrenched inside.
"Whelp. That was the last wish. You just gotta ride this one out."
Jake's vision of larry began to shift and separate as the pressure in his head built and he felt the bone of his skull move and elongate. His arms pushed away as his chest swelled and bulged into a rounded vee shape while his shoulders bulged with new muscle in unfamiliar places. The ceiling seemed to grow closer for a moment as his legs grew longer and thinner. Jake felt a pressure building at the base of his spine that grew from discomfort to white hot pain as a tail pushed out and fell between his legs. His fingers suddenly felt clumsy and holding them up he was alarmed to discover each finger melting together into rapidly darkening solid blocks. He watched in growing horror as the blocks became more defined and became a shape he recognized.
"Oh...oh no" Jake thought, "Hooves! I'm turning into a horse!" The itching that had been annoying him now filled his senses as short chestnut fur grew pushed through the skin into a thick coat. His guts wrenched one more time and he doubled over except this time his arms reached the floor and he could not stand back up. His neck growing longer by the second he arched his back and tried to scream.
Larry watched the whole process unfold, always amazed at how uncomfortable it looked. Bone and muscle shifted around, skin bulged, fur thickened, and finally joints reversed. He never understood people who asked for it, although it certainly wasn't as uncommon as you might expect. Finally the horse forming before him let out a loud neigh and he knew the process was complete. He looked at the chestnut stallion standing in the wreckage of the kitchen and shook his head. "I told you to be careful. Nobody ever listens."
The horse neighed again.
"No I can't change you back. That was your last wish."
The horse snorted.
"Look, it's tough to explain. The wish algorithms are based in part on what you wished for before as well as the context of the situation. You kinda had an equine theme going here so thats where you ended up."
Jake the horse shook his head and let out a loud whinny.
"Well I can file an appeal like I said before but your really not going to be satisfied. No, I don't know what to tell your parents. They'll be back soon? No, I can't wait around and let them know what happened to you. I've got a 30 minute departure window after the last wish then my pay gets docked. It was all in the handbook."
Larry opened the door from the kitchen to the backyard.
"C'mon kid. At least get what you wished for..."
Jake the horse slowly, awkwardly stepped out into the fenced back yard
"...Before they geld you."
Amy and John looked up from the breakfast table with a start as they distinctly heard a horse in distress.
"John" Amy said from the kitchen window
"The neighbors have a horse now too. In the yard with that Donkey."
John shook his head as he read the paper, never even looking up.
"Madness." he said.