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My first attempts at flying were discouraging. While each effort got me ever so closer to flying, it was not the immediate success I had hoped for. Alex remained patient and tried her best to encourage me, but some of my frustration started to show. Flying had seemingly come naturally when I first changed, but it felt like learning to walk this time. Combine that with the odd sensations on my right wing, and I began to wonder if I would fly again.

Alex untied the tether from my legs. "You're getting there. We just need a few more sessions." Alex spoke softly, although her voice didn't carry much confidence. She ignored the perch and immediately walked me inside.

I stepped off Alex's hand onto the table. She filled a metal dish with water while grabbing a bottle for herself. I drank from the container quickly, trying to recover from the time spent working outside. While I drank, Alex watched and stared. I could tell she was silently thinking, her eyes focused on something. Rarely was she that focused on something, let alone me.

Once I finished drinking, I stretched my wings and legs, starting with my left. My left talon rubbed against my left wing as I leaned and held it out. Once I tried to stretch my right wing, I felt the odd feeling from before. As the feeling seemed to reoccur, I began to worry about its cause. I felt fine, but I still had the voice in my mind telling me I would be grounded forever.

I held my right wing out and tried to rotate it. I could feel the sensation change slightly as I leaned it forward. As I tipped it back, the feeling grew stronger. Leaning my wing back was essential to landing myself. The last thing I needed was to fall from a height. Alex seemed to take notice of my extended stretch and gave a confused look.

"Everything alright there?" she asked, setting her bottle down.

I quickly pulled my wing to my side and looked away. It wasn't like hiding it would help, but I was afraid to acknowledge I had an issue. Turning my head would only have worried her, so I began to preen my left wing. I felt Alex's hand touch my right wing and I stepped away, trying to avoid her.

"Lyall, can I look at it?" She began to place her fingers along my folded wing's underside.

I gave her a hesitant nod as I pulled my head away to look at her hands. She gently unfolded my previously broken wing. Once fully extended, she ran her other hand along its leading edge. Usually, this would have felt great, but I was much too anxious to enjoy the impromptu massage.

"The front feels fine, but what if I-"

I screeched as she began to lean my wing back. The awful feeling of pins and needles replaced the feeling of stuck feathers. She let go of my wing and pulled her hands close to her body. When I turned to look, she stared at me with a concerned gaze.

"Did I hurt you?" she said frantically.

I shook my head to assure her I was okay.

"Does the other one hurt when you flare it?"

I held my left-wing out and leaned it back, but it felt fine, as expected. I then held my right-wing out and leaned them in unison. Only the left wing felt right. Alex began to say something, but I paid no attention. I froze up and looked down at my talons. The metal table began to feel exceptionally cold, and my heart raced as I started to think of what this could mean.

I was still broken.

I can't fly like this.

I would be stuck here.

I wouldn't be going back.

I could hear Alex as she continued to talk, but she sounded muffled and distant. The cold of my feet climbed into my body, and I felt my balance fading. I started to feel tired, and I knew what was coming. I folded my wings in anticipation and closed my eyes. Before I could fall out of control, I felt something grab me, something warm.

"Lyall! Are you listening to me?" Alex's voice grew clearer.

I felt a light squeeze before opening my eyes. As my eyes readjusted for the light, I could see Alex's hands grasped around my body, holding my wings closed. Warmth rushed back into my body and feet as I felt awake once again.

"Why are you doing this now?" Alex yelped as she picked me up and quickly ran me to the cage on the wall. She latched the door as quickly as she picked me up and put me in the cage.

She turned around and placed her hands in her hair. She groaned while pacing around the room. She mumbled something to herself before walking out of the room, closing the door with a loud thud. As far as I could tell, she thought I was out of it again. Off in the other room, I could hear Alex speaking with who I would assume was Elizabeth. Both came through the door shortly after, and Elizabeth approached my cage.

Elizabeth looked inside at my face. I could have taken the chance to show them it was me in control, but instead, I tried to mimic what the hawk would have done. I held my beak open as if I was ready to bite. Elizabeth stood up straight and pinched the ridge of her nose.

"You say it was his bunged-up wing?" Elizabeth sighed.

"Yeah, when it rotated back, he made a sound and pulled it from me. Then he, well, did this," Alex replied.

"He has a pinched nerve or something going on."

"You can fix that, right?" Alex asked with a hopeful tone.

"In people, it's been done. But I don't think it's been done to a bird. At least I haven't done it," Elizabeth said while looking back in my cage. "But maybe it could work itself out. Maybe some exercise could take care of it."

"What if it doesn't work itself out?"

Elizabeth sighed, "He will probably never fly well enough to survive alone."

I tried to hide that I was awake, but hearing those words felt like a stab in the heart. Without knowing, I slowly closed my beak. I knew what she meant. There was still a chance I wouldn't be going back. I would have to live captive like I have tried to avoid. I would be stuck as a bird without the freedom that comes with it.

"Lyall?" Elizabeth questioned.

I contemplated pretending to be out, but couldn't think of how to act. I ended up dropping my head and looking down. I heard the door unlatch as Alex protested.

"What are you doing? At least put a glove-" Alex reached for the glove, but Elizabeth already had her hand in my cage.

She tilted my head up, placing her finger under my beak. "Trying to play sly?" she said with playful sarcasm. "Nothing I said would have been kept from you if I knew you were here. Don't get yourself down; we still have work to do."

I could hear her words, but I still felt defeated. I wanted nothing more than to wake up as my human self again. If I couldn't be free, why keep going? My mind strayed to blaming myself as I thought about what got me here. One lapse in judgment broke my wing, and had I stuck to the fields, I would never have been in the accident.

"Let's start a little easier this time. Maybe some stretching is due before you try to fly again. You were doing well, given the circumstances," Alex said with a slightly broken tone.

For a moment, a thought slipped into my head. What if I let myself lose control? What if I allowed myself to relax enough? I tried to push the thought out, but it lingered. I had no way of knowing what would happen or if I could return, but something about the dark idea was enough to stick. I tried to think more positively. I couldn't let Alex or any of my friends down.

Maybe my disappointment was more visible than I had hoped, as Alex's mood seemed to change. She looked about the room before motioning her head away from Elizabeth. Elizabeth looked confused and gestured towards me. Alex leaned in to Elizabeth's ear and whispered. I tried to hear, but it was too faint.

"Maybe. Anything could work at this point. It is up to you to ask him before calling her," Elizabeth said quietly. She looked at me before scoffing, "Some things need to be quiet, though!" She winked as she chuckled.

Alex walked over to the phone on the wall. From behind it, she removed a slip of paper. Looking at the writing, I could see her scribbles.

‘Mrs. Williams,’ followed by a phone number.

Williams? I thought. I knew it sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it. I had heard it before, but what would they have to do with me?

Mrs. Williams.

Mr. Williams.

Mr. Williams.

Mr. Lyall-

The phrase came rushing back. My last name is Williams! I lost track of the original thought as I questioned why I had trouble remembering it. I had been called it all my life, but had somehow forgotten it. Then my mind trailed back to the phone number. Mrs. Williams could only be one person.

I couldn't imagine her seeing me like this. I tried to think of what I could do, but the door was only open a small amount. I pushed the cage door open and let out a screech in protest.

I could hear Alex speaking on the phone. "Yes, that's him," she said excitedly.

Glancing at Elizabeth, she gave me a confused look. "What, are you not wanting to see her?"

I quickly shook my head. I heard Alex hang the phone back on the holder as I did. I turned and glared at her.

"Well, she's coming," Alex said happily.

This was another situation where I wished I could speak. The intentions were right, but now could not have been a worse time. I had just gotten news that I would probably be stuck living here for the rest of my days, and now I have to tell my mom the same news inevitably.

"Well, I'll get the yard cleaned up from Lyall's flying, and she'll probably be here soon," Alex said as she walked towards the exit door.

Elizabeth helped me out of the cage and back onto the table. I didn't move around much, but I kept my eyes on the windows, waiting for her to arrive. It felt like an eternity, and my anxiety slowly grew. I would give anything to say a few words.

I spent some of the time trying to distract myself by unfolding my wings and refolding them to try and work the pain out of my right wing. I tried to do as many repetitions as possible, but occasionally, I would stop to adjust a few feathers here and there on my left wing. It's odd to imagine not having the feathers. The amount of time I spend caring for them makes me wonder what I did with my free time before, besides things like speaking or generally interacting with people.

Each stretch of my wings brought back the tingling, sticky feeling. As much as I hoped it would quit, it was unrealistic to think fifteen minutes of stretching would immediately solve the issue.

Elizabeth left the room to tend to the other animals in the building. Some had come and gone since I arrived, but Elizabeth and Alex seemed to want other animals as far from me as possible. I didn't take offense, but it did get lonely in the room at night. Other than the other hawk, I could not tell what had been or was in the other rooms. All I could see was the outlines through the frosted glass when Alex or Elizabeth walked past.

As Alex came in with the perch, I could see a small car pull into the parking area. Alex spotted the car and quickly ran into the hall. After a moment, she entered the room with my mother behind her. My mom smiled from ear to ear when she saw me on the table.

"Your bandage is gone!" she said as she quickly made her way to me. I looked up at the towering figure before a hand touched my head.

I almost pulled my head away but realized fighting it would do no good. I turned my head as she scratched at my neck. It felt slightly dehumanizing, but I didn't care all that much at that point. Her hand moved down and turned into rubbing of my right wing. I slowly opened it to show it off.

"Looks much better without the wrap," Mom said jokingly. Her excited look turned into mild concern when she turned to Elizabeth. "What's the plan now that his wing is healed?"

Elizabeth took a deep breath before speaking, "Alex is working on getting him flying again. Then, he will be working with an acquaintance of mine on hunting."

"Hunting?" Mom asked.

"Lyall's... expressed a want to go back. He's been adamant about going back to living outdoors again," Elizabeth said slowly.

"Where he got himself hurt?" Mom said with confusion.

"He did have an accident, but if he doesn't have to be captive, he's more than capable of taking care of himself," Alex interjected. "He's been doing well for himself here; he has a life to return to, though."

"What life does he have there that he doesn't have here?" Mom asked, getting audibly upset. "His family and friends are here, not out there."

Alex seemed lost as to what she should say and stuttered. "Well... His place..."

Elizabeth jumped in and spoke calmly, "Lyall wants to make these decisions. We are just repeating what he has said he wants to do."

“First you hold him in some clinic like an animal, tell me I can’t come over without permission, and now you want to tell me he’s running off again?” Mom turned to me, confused and slightly irritated, "You want to leave us again?"

I knew there wasn't a correct answer to her question. If I said yes, she would take it badly, and if I said no, then Elizabeth would look like a liar. Instead, I stared into her eyes and did not move. She glared back, but I could tell she was thinking.

"Are you happy to live like an animal?" she asked.

I was afraid to make any motion and continued to stare.

"Lyall, nothing out there cares for you like we do." Mom paused before continuing, "Is there something you are hiding from us?"

I turned my head away and looked at one of the cabinets on the wall. I felt trapped as I couldn't say anything to lessen the blow it could have on her, but I also could not tell her myself. I turned to Alex, who was observing me. Her eyes opened slightly, and she gestured, placing her hand on her chest. I waited before giving her a slow nod and looking at my feet.

"Mrs. Williams, Lyall did establish himself a life in the wild. He was caring for himself very well before his accident. Part of his life out there included courting another hawk." Alex said quietly. "Lyall has a mate and has raised young."

Her skin lost its color as the words left Alex's mouth. Her eyes darted between us, and she stammered, trying to speak. She finally stopped and stared at me.

"Is that true?" she asked.

I slowly nodded in agreement.

Mom turned to Alex, "Is that your plan, too? To find another owl?"

Alex's face turned red in embarrassment.

I let out a loud squawk as if to yell at her for the comment. She turned to glance at me before seeing Alex's bright red cheeks.'

"I'm sorry, " Mom apologized. "That came out wrong, I... If... I think I need to go." She stood up from her chair and stumbled slightly. Elizabeth helped hold her steady as she made a beeline to the door. She grabbed at the handle and struggled to pull it down.

As she walked out the door, she half turned back to us and said aloud, "Lyall, I love you, honey," before the door pulled shut.

Of all the ways I expected the conversation to go, I could not have seen her just quietly leaving. Even Alex and Elizabeth seemed in disbelief as we watched the car pull away. I couldn't tell if I made her angry or scared her, but I only hoped she would return.

Alex felt terrible, which, in turn, made me feel bad for her. She really tried her best to make me happy, but no one could have expected the interaction to go the weird way it did. I knew she would have probably learned about my mate at some point. That or I would have tried to hide it until I left again. I can understand her being a little shocked by the news. I was essentially dead to the world only a few months ago.

We spent the next few days repeating the same exercises and hoping Mom would call us back. Elizabeth suggested some time may be best for her to process the news. Alex was fearful that she ruined my relationship with my mom, but I don't think this is nearly as bad as when she first found my changes. She was furious at me when she saw the feathers and eyes. She would come around eventually... Hopefully.

My wing exercises were helping, according to Elizabeth. The feeling in my wing was still off, but she said the right wing was getting stronger. At least now, the feeling seemed to have improved, if marginally. If I could fly again, I could work around the nerve issues. Alex's confidence in my wing had finally hit the point that she set up the perch again. I watched from inside through the window and was nervous about failing again, but excited that this could be my chance to fly again.

Alex came in and donned the leather glove. She picked me up but didn't bother with the tether on my legs. She was confident that I would fly today. I had similar hopes, but I couldn't tell if my wing had improved or if I had tricked myself into believing it was. She placed me outside on the perch and walked about fifty feet away with her hand outstretched.

"Ready, Lyall? Remember, we are going to take it nice and easy this time. If we are pushing too hard, you need to tell me," Alex said, positioning her feet carefully on the ground. "You can go when you are ready."

I waited and slightly unfolded my wings. The light breeze brushed my flight feathers, and my wings prepared for the rigid initial flap. I wasn't entirely confident I was ready, but I gave the flap anyway as my wings outstretched and I leaped from the perch. As I brought my wings up to prepare another stroke, my wing felt like pins and needles, and I landed awkwardly on the ground.

I was mildly embarrassed when Alex had to retrieve me. She tried to encourage me, but I was busy planning my next attempt. This time, I would push through the feeling. I was not going to let myself fall this time.

Alex placed me on the perch and positioned herself in her spot the distance away. I felt right this time. I felt the wind across my body and knew I would push as hard as my wings could. As they lifted up, I hunched my body. I pulled myself up with a rigid flap and didn't hesitate on a second stroke. With the second push, I felt my height gain, even slightly. I did a third and a fourth, each pulling me higher from the ground. I quickly approached Alex's gloved hand, and another thought entered my head.

Fly into the woods.

I couldn't tell where the thought was coming from, but I also felt the urge to follow its words.

Now's the time to escape.

This is our chance.

As I got closer, I took the opportunity and banked to the right, avoiding Alex. My wings cut through the air as I felt my instinct to flap take over. I was finally flying again, and I relaxed as a wave of calm rushed over me. I paid no attention as to where I was going as I had just done what I had wanted to do for months. I felt a coolness across my body and let go.

"Lyall! Where are you going?" Alex yelled.

At first, I ignored her, as this was my time to enjoy, but the name echoed in my head. I felt my control slipping and had almost given in. But maybe I wanted that?

What if I did let go?

The thought felt more tempting, but I couldn't rationalize why. It took Alex shouting my name again before I came to my senses.

"Lyall, come back!" she shouted with a mix of excitement and fear.

I was sixty yards away from Alex and quickly moving further away when I banked around and began flying back. My heart raced as I realized how close I was to losing it. I approached Alex and did my best flare to bring myself to a slow landing on her hand. My talons gripped the glove tight, and I looked down, wanting her to tether me to the glove.

Once my wings folded, she pulled me in tight. "I'm so proud of you! I knew you were going to do it!" She wrapped her arm around me and hugged me. I should have been celebrating, but instead, I was still recovering from the closest I had been to really losing myself.

Alex held me out and asked, "Want to go for another one?"

That was the quickest "no" I had ever given her.