FSE

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Some clear, sharp sounds woke me up. For the first time in my life, I truly understood what it meant for eyelids to be so heavy that they simply couldn't open.

I tried to summon my willpower, commanding my limbs to move despite being utterly drained. But my attempts to fight the weakness in my body forced me to give up, leaving me to emit a low, helpless growl that did nothing to help the situation.

I wasn’t sure whether this intense fatigue was due to that strange experience with Tel’aran’rhiod, or if it was... a “handiwork” of Kotetsu senpai. But honestly, I didn’t really want to find out the answer.

At the very least, I managed to roll over and peek over the edge of the bed towards the source of the noise below.

Tadao was in front of the wardrobe, getting himself ready while unwrapping the velvet around the tips of his antlers and placing it back on the table.

“I’ve never seen you sleep that deeply before,” the red deer said, holding two ties, examining which one matched his outfit in the mirror. “Had me a bit worried there.”

“What time is it?” At least my voice still sounded normal.

“Half past eight.” He eventually chose the blue tie.

Eight-thirty? How long had I slept? Damn it, I should’ve checked the time earlier...

“You don’t look too well,” Tadao said, struggling to turn around and face me with his tie partially done. “I think I can guess why, but I still have to ask. Why does the room smell entirely like... male Altai Wapiti?”

“Kotetsu senpai was here.” I forced myself to ignore the blood rushing to my ears and responded as calmly as I could.

“I know Kotetsu senpai was here, but...” Tadao scratched the back of his head, his gaze wandering. “Let me be blunt: not only does your body smell like his, but it’s also mixed with a very noticeable...” He hesitated for a moment, looking even more embarrassed before finishing the sentence. “...scent of musk.”

I sniffed the air twice but, perhaps due to olfactory fatigue, couldn’t detect anything particularly different, let alone Kotetsu’s scent. But in that moment, I understood what Tadao meant. Slowly, I lay back down, feeling around the fur on my chest and stomach, only to find several tangled, stiff patches of fur.

This must be the peak of all awkward experiences in my life. Faced with uncharted territory, my only strategy was to pretend I didn’t exist—hold my breath and stay still. Maybe Tadao would actually forget I was lying here, and that we’d been having a conversation.

“Did you two...?”

I shot up from the bed instantly, completely forgetting my plan of pretending to be invisible. It wasn’t like this was a huge deal, and I obviously had no chance of covering it up, so I didn’t even know why I felt so flustered. But reason took over, and there was something slightly hurtful in Tadao’s expression—so embarrassed he couldn’t meet my eyes.

I couldn’t quite pinpoint why I felt that way, but to force myself to face the situation, and to keep my hands from fidgeting, I crossed my arms over my chest and answered as calmly as possible.

“Yes.”

The silence that followed was long and heavy, far worse than the confusion and panic of stumbling over my words. So, I tried to briefly explain what happened.

“I got beaten up again in the Master Field, so my clothes were covered in blood.” I glanced down at the still-drying, now completely white shirt hanging there. “Kotetsu senpai was adamant that I couldn’t show up at the assessment like that, so he forced me to come back here to change, but the laundry hadn’t come back yet...” As I spoke, Tadao’s frown deepened, making me unconsciously speed up. “...and then he helped groom my fur. It was... quite comfortable, and things just... escalated from there.” The moment I said it, I regretted phrasing it that way—“going with the flow” might have sounded less awkward.

Still, I suddenly noticed that using the pretext of cleaning clothes and grooming to create an opportunity was a rather interesting plot point. I couldn't help but wonder if Kotetsu senpai had simply gone with the moment or if he’d seen it done somewhere.

“Doesn’t that seem a bit... casual to you?” I was certain I detected clear disdain in Tadao’s words.

“Huh?” The unexpected shift in his tone left me momentarily at a loss for a more complex reaction.

“I mean...” Tadao sighed, leaning against the wardrobe with his arms crossed. “The whole thing just happened so fast! When he, uh... made it clear what he wanted,” he rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue, “you two went to bed together like it was nothing—there wasn’t any lead-up, right?”

“Probably not...” I tilted my head, recalling our interactions. Even if I wasn’t particularly sensitive to such things, if Kotetsu senpai had shown any prior intent, I should’ve at least picked up on it... probably?

“See, that’s exactly it!” Tadao grew animated, his hands making large gestures for emphasis. “It just seems so random and careless, like you’re open to anyone!” He reverted to his crossed-arms stance, continuing with a firm tone. “Let me put it this way: if it were me in that situation, would you have accepted?”

It felt a little strange, but I switched the image in my mind.

“I would have.” It didn’t take me long at all to answer; it was a clear choice. “But I don’t think ‘who it is’ really matters that much.”

“‘Who it is’ is the whole point!” Tadao scoffed, scratching the base of his antlers. “If anyone can, isn’t that just... promiscuity?”

“Well, by definition, it might be considered ‘promiscuity,’ but I don’t see why it’s such a big deal to have relationships with multiple people. The term itself carries a judgmental connotation.” I spoke matter-of-factly, confident that I wasn’t in the right state to delve into deep philosophical debates, especially since that wasn’t the point. “I think we just interpret ‘who it is’ differently.”

Tadao’s frown deepened, but he kept listening.

“Imagine understanding, from the moment you become self-aware, that you’re different from everyone around you,” I continued softly, facing that strange sensation that felt like a cold, damp heaviness over my fur. “You might speak the same language, even look similar, but deep down, you know your true feelings can never be understood by others. No one else shares your experiences.”

I ran my fingers along the wooden edge of the bed, feeling the orderly grain of the wood.

“You try to build connections, and if you’re lucky enough, maybe you’ll find someone willing to accept you. But even then, they still can’t truly understand you, let alone respond, because that gap is unbridgeable.”

I met the red deer’s brown eyes and kept speaking, my voice steady.

“Day after day, year after year, you finally convince yourself that this is good enough—that, from a certain point of view, it’s even the purest kind of bond. After all, we can only take what we’re given, right?” The bitterness on my tongue made me question whether I hadn’t tried hard enough, or simply hadn’t been fortunate enough. “Until one day, you realize it’s not like that at all. That you’re not destined to be alone forever, that someone out there can hear your cries in the dark, respond to them, and actually understand the emotions and desires behind them.”

I reached out with a small part of my consciousness, gently touching Tadao’s Domain and feeling its pulse.

“So, you see, ‘who it is’ doesn’t matter much, because this is about oneself—about me.” I touched my chest, where my heartbeat was steady and calm. “It’s about finally understanding your place in the world, knowing you’re not alone, and truly comprehending that there are possibilities you never considered because you couldn’t imagine them or never had anyone to tell you they existed—that you’re worthy of them.”

Tadao’s Domain pulsed with understanding... and something else, hidden beneath the surface—concern?

I tried to convey my gratitude to him, along with a hint of apology.

“Of course, I shouldn’t have done as I pleased without talking to you first—this is your room too, after all.” I reminded myself that, for someone who isn’t a senate wolf, it might be hard to grasp the boundaries you learn to navigate when you grow up sharing space with others since you were six. “If it bothers you, I should have respected your wishes and gone somewhere else.”

After I finished, I watched the red deer quietly. After a while, he exhaled through his nose, seeming to relax a bit.

“Hang a sock on the doorknob next time,” he said, sliding his hands into his pockets.

“On the doorknob?” I tilted my head, unsure if this was a Federal custom or something.

"Of course, you'd take it literally. What was I thinking…" Tadao muttered under his breath, while I failed to see what the issue was. "Just message me. I'll go crash at Hamp senpai's place," he said with a sly grin, a hint of mockery in his tone. "If your 'desire' isn't so urgent that you can't even type a few words."

"Alright," I couldn't help but laugh, silently reminding myself to find a chance to throw some snark back later. "By the way, what do you usually do when you stay over at Hamp senpai's place?"

I had been wanting to ask this for a while, but I was afraid it might come off as prying too much into his private life for Federation's standard.

"What, jealous?" The stag always showed off his antlers, in a rather flamboyant way, whenever he adopted an aggressive posture. "Maybe I'll tell you when the time is right—you might even find it interesting."

He waved his hand, and all I could do was shrug in response to this feigned mysteriousness.

"I should get going," Tadao picked up his backpack, glancing meaningfully at the floor several times. "I recall someone saying they'd be responsible for cleaning the room?"

"Let me recover first." I made a few simple gestures, feeling the intensity of my mental pulses. "I'll handle it once I'm not so exhausted."

"Wow, isn't this the most powerful psychic ever? Turns out the weakness is this obvious?" Tadao quipped mercilessly. "I wonder what kind of reward the Federation would offer me for this intel."

"Thirty silver coins, maybe." I said with a smile, to which Tadao just rolled his eyes, clearly not finding the joke amusing.

After he left, I lay back down, fumbling around until I found my terminal. I checked my schedule for the day and concluded that I still had enough time to rest a bit longer.

So, I set a reminder and closed my eyes, trying to clear my thoughts and hoping to fall asleep again. Thanks to being physically and mentally drained, I quickly drifted off into literal sleep—again.