Making My Mark
#1 of Emotional Exploration
Hey all!
So this is my first in a series of short stories meant to explore the emotions that people go through when faced with incredibly emotional situations. I created this basic storyline several years ago and wrote one draft of it then, but decided to rewrite it, fluffing up some details and hopefully just generally improving it.
Because of the choppiness of human emotion I tried to express, it may not read as fluidly as a regular story, and this is somewhat intentional. Hope you feel a little bit of what he feels here.
As I stand alone on this rooftop, I find myself strangely unable to cry.
Bitter cold hangs stagnant in the air around me. With a slight shudder, I draw the scarf he gave me closer to my body, the fabric as smooth and soft as the day he laid it in my hands. So many hours I had spent with that scarf wrapped around me like he never was, so many tears soaked through its surface like the ones he never let me show, so much love was wasted into this scarf from having no one to give it to. This scarf has been my closest friend, my most intimate partner, and here it stays with me on this icy night, still wrapped around my neck.
But this time, the scarf remains perfectly dry against my fur. No tears.
The night air cuts through my thin hoodie with ease, and a shudder runs down my spine. February nights were meant for cuddling close to the fireplace with a good book, falling asleep to the crackling of the logs away from the cold, filling yourself with warmth. But warmth is not what this night is about for me.
Twenty-three stories above the streets, city clamour seems much more calming. Wind echos through alleyways with a low, almost rumbling of a whistle. The voices of people float up from hundreds of feet below in a continuous babble. Car horns poke through the soundscape every few seconds from a different direction. Somewhere in the distance, brakes squeal from the tires of a car that almost made a terrible mistake. No crash, everything is fine.
Everything is fine.
I slowly pick up my left foot.
Nerves shout out with pain through my right ankle, unaccustomed to the movement after almost an hour of stillness. For a moment, I freeze.
Still can't do anything right, huh, Jake?
His voice fills my head.
Gravel feels loose and soothing beneath my feet as I shuffle my way to the nearest edge. Everything about this night feels as if it were in slow motion. Steps seem slow, breathing seems slow, sounds seem slow, why is everything so slow? My thoughts match the world around them, groggily taking everything in with a lazy pace as I move across the rooftop.
About a foot from the edge, I stop to stare out at the skyline. Mine is the highest building for several miles in any direction. For a moment, I feel powerful, like a god observing the world from Mount Olympus' peak, but the sounds of the city bring me back. All of the buildings surround me with life and vibrance, filled with other furs noisily enjoying their evening. From my view of my surroundings, full of sounds without any visible source, that's all these beings are to me: noise.
Here in the big city, people look down on you for being an introvert. Furs walking along the sidewalk are always either talking on the phone or with a friend next to them. Bars stay busy until well past midnight, even during the week, filled with excited businessmen and partying students. Even offices are constantly chattering about weekend plans and evening adventures. Not for me. I walk silently to my work, where I push through the day silently until I come home to my silent apartment. And up until I met him, I thought I liked it that way. But once he spoke, I never wanted to stop listening. He would talk for hours and hours about whatever he wanted to, knowing I was taking in every single word.
Then, one time, he just didn't. To this day, I'm still not entirely sure why.
You messed up our relationship and now this.
His voice again. Too much thinking.
I take a seat on the ledge, letting my legs dangle over. For the first time, I look down at the furs below me, a surprising amount of them passing by. Two young lionesses walk together, both dressed in elegant coats and extravagant jewelry, smiling and laughing. A teenage cat skulks in the opposite direction, wearing a dark grey sweatshirt and a sock hat covering his ears. Several older canines walk in a group on the other side of the street, dressed in suits and still carrying their suitcases.
Suddenly, I feel the shoe on my right foot loosen, threatening to fall off. After a slight chuckle, I kick my leg with a gentle push, and the shoe plummets down onto the sidewalk not far in front of the lionesses. Not wanting to see the outcome, I close my eyes and level my head again. Several hairs on my tail twitch as a short wind curls around it. I swish it through the air, slicing against the wind with quick flicks. The wind picks up in response, trying to guide my tail along with it. I cut back through again, the tip of my tail now resting on my back, bracing itself against the bitterness.
I tell myself how lucky I am to have found such a peaceful place. Everything about this night has slowed me down, partially because of the cold, but mainly because of the beautiful combination of silence and distant commotion. I'm surrounded with liveliness, but I stay as still and as silent as I want.
Everybody warned me. Not only are you boring, but you're the most selfish cat I've ever met.
Go away...
I hear a sudden uprising of shouts below me. I open my eyes and look down to see the two lionesses from earlier pointing up at me and saying something about... I can't quite make it out. One of them waves at me and tries shouting even louder, while the other continues staring up with a confused expression. Still, I can only hear bits and pieces of what she says... Dropped your shoe... A bit concerned about... Isn't that dangerous... then I tune them out. This isn't dangerous, this is calming; this is beautiful.
A sudden pressure in my chest brings my focus back up, and I gasp from the sudden pain, heavy breaths following in response. This is usually a sign of anxiety for me, but on occasion it will happen for no reason. Anxiety. Anxiety. Another thing that doesn't seem to work in this city. If you show a single sign of weakness, it's as if the world begins treating you as a child. Lighter workloads, more shoulder pats and brief smiles, people always skirting around words, along with a boatload of pity. And what good does pity do? Lowers self-esteem and that's it. There's no point. No point at all.
And stop looking so pitiful, we know it's not real, you don't care what happened to him. There's no point. No point at all.
My hands clench into fists. He won't leave me alone.
Flashing lights and sirens appear below. It appears that my feline friends caught onto my plan.
Calm. I need to find that calm again. I swing my feet back up to the roof and stand up, my toes just against the ledge. My chest begins to relax, and I fill my lungs up as much as possible before exhaling again. The sounds of the city start swirling their way through the air, just like before. Wind whips against my clothing. Gravel massages my feet.
The sound of boots against metal echoes its way up the stairs. My whole body goes cold.
If there was any chance of calming down, it disappears entirely. Thoughts begin spinning rapidly through my mind as the situation overwhelms my senses. Shouting, flashing lights, sirens, pain, confusion, all because of me. What will happen when somebody finds me? Is the building high enough? How will he react?
It's too late to apologize.
I guess there's not much time left. If there's a decision to be made, it needs to happen now before it's too late.
But I already know exactly what needs to be done.
So before you mess up anything else...
I turn and run as fast as possible in the other direction. I hear cheers from below me. The world speeds up as if making up for all the time it lost before.
I close my eyes and keep sprinting.
You may as well...
The echoing of the boots gets louder.
Here we go...
Just kill yourself.
The police burst through the doorway, shouting at the spot where I stood seconds earlier. Sixty feet in the opposite direction, I have made my mark.
I push off the corner of the roof with my bare foot and catapult into the night sky.
The ground approaches fast as the air blows past my fur. Every bone in my body presses backward like I've been shot out of a gun. Thoughts race through my mind faster than ever before. Faster. Sirens, shouting, all of it disappears behind the throbbing in my head. My eyes begin roll back into my skull. Faster. A high pitched squeal pierces my ears. Faster. Faster.
A few feet from the ground, I allow myself a slight smile.
I hope this is what you wanted.