Alphys' Modern Life (Chapter 2)
AT THE DREEMURRS' RESIDENCE...
"So tell me, Alphys, exactly how much DO you happen to know about this so-called anime of yours? Mew Mew Kissy Cutie, to be exact?" Asgore asked inquisitively, flipping his way exhaustedly through the vast multitude of pages in an unnecessarily massive book known only as Homestuck as he sat cross-legged on his recliner chair in the living room while Toriel and Papyrus were busy cooking a whole bunch of sweet, succulent pies in the kitchen. (Yes, Undyne was handling the video camera, obviously.)
"Well, if I were to ever truly expound the full extent of my Mew Mew knowledge upon you, I feel that it would most likely give you no less than a devastating hybrid of weapons-grade autism and brain cancer...and then kill you, thus relievingly ending the resulting pain anyway." Alphys shrugged and sighed dejectedly, coughing politely into the side of her hand and readjusting her glasses as a pair of robotic Froggits suddenly entered the living room through a secret tile-hatch in the floor, hopped up onto the leg-rest of Asgore's recliner, and promptly began licking his gorgeously smooth soles.
"Little do you know that this is a trap designed to SEDUCE you!" Asgore laughed heartily as the Froggits' tongues began slowly releasing dirt/sweat pheromones all over his massive, lovely feet.
"You see, the more incessant talking I have to put up with from absolute chatterboxes like you and my wife Toriel whilst sitting upon this majestic couch of mine, the more filthy and reeking these babies will be by the time I finally allow you (or Toriel, obviously) the rather dubious honor of being able to shamelessly lick them like a dog yourself!" Asgore chuckled, wiggling his royal toes teasingly at Alphys, whose nose was already bleeding up a storm just from the mere glancing sight of them, let alone the thought of what she secretly wanted to do with them.
"My dear, ever-loving god, you seriously cannot even HOPE to resist the allure of these little beauties of mine, can you?" Asgore laughed (partially from how much the Froggits' tongues were tickling his feet) as he kicked back in his seat, put on a pair of earmuffs and relaxed smugly.
After taking an extremely long and deep breath to prepare herself for the sheer magnitude of what she was about to say, Alphys finally let loose with her longest anime rant yet. "Well, you see, Mew Mew Kissy Cutie is, like, literally THE best anime I've ever seen in my entire life even though it's really just a freaking generic early-nineties Saturday morning cartoon that honestly makes me wonder what in the actual hell I've been doing with my life almost as much as the recent Amalgamate fiasco, which uh, yeah, let's just pretend that that never even happened in the first place, shall we?
"Anyway, Mew Mew Kissy Cutie is about this really cute and really, really hot neko girl who just so happens to have this weird-ass superpower where she literally turns people into furry anime trash and/or gains the ability to control their minds if and when she kisses them specifically on the lips or forehead respectively, and if she feels so inclined, why, she can even shrink herself down to itty-bitty little bug size and sneak inside their heads to take control of their brains manually from the inside in what totally wasn't just some weird-ass fetish that the writers, for some odd reason, felt like they REALLY needed to freaking let out in the form of a full-length, ridiculously drawn-out story arc with almost no real buildup or even payoff whatsoever..."
ONE HALF HOUR LATER...
"...and that's (huff) why Mew Mew (puff) Kissy Cutie (cough) 2 (wheeze) freaking (gasp) SUCKS so much more than, I mean, compared to the first film, because everyone knows that the 90s was so much better than the 2000s! It totally isn't just blind nostalgic fanboyism, you hear?" Alphys coughed, choked, gasped and sputtered as she finally finished her painstakingly colossal introduction speech, struggling to regain her breath. "So, uhh...did you catch all of that?"
"What? Oh, sorry, I'm afraid I wasn't even listening!" Asgore laughed as he took off his earmuffs, bookmarked his book for later and then closed it and set it down on the floor next to him, his foot servants unceremoniously returning to the basement from whence they came.
"Oh, well, uh...n-never mind that!" Alphys laughed nervously, drumming her fingers together and panting like a dog as she tiptoed reluctantly toward Asgore's indescribably nasty and repulsive feet. "Let's just deal with the thing that I REALLY came here for, shall we?"
"So, how do they smell?" Asgore asked teasingly as Alphys fervently sniffed his rancid, muddy feet, her face reflexively shriveling up and turning green as lettuce from just how unbelievably awful they smelled.
"OHH, THEY SMELL LIKE ROTTEN, MOLDY LIMBURGER CHEESE MIXED WITH WEEK-OLD DIARRHEA!" Alphys moaned with arousal, losing her appetite and throwing up all over them.
"Wow...just WOW...you really do have only the most honorable and lofty of romantic standards, don't you, Alphys?" Asgore sighed disappointedly as Alphys licked her own puke off of his feet.
"Oh believe me, I'm every bit as tasteful as they come! Especially when it comes to FETISHES!" Alphys blushed and giggled humiliatedly, flashing her ever-so-adorkable buck-toothed smile at him as a mixture of dirt, sweat, mud, dead bugs and vomit dripped from her teeth.
"You do know that was sarcasm, right?" Asgore sighed, curling his toes and scrunching his soles as Alphys licked them clean...or at least cleaner than they were before for sure.
"YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT'S A BAD THING." Alphys teased him as she lovingly sucked his toes.
"Hey, everybody in the general vicinity!" Papyrus waltzed out into the living room and greeted everyone. "Guess what me and Toriel made specifically for the two of you sweethearts?"
"WHAT?" Alphys asked, her slime-dripping tongue hanging shamelessly out of her mouth as she turned her head around and glanced over at him to show at she was paying attention.
"PIES!" Papyrus laughed as Toriel jumped out into the living room with whipped-cream pies in both hands and threw both of them directly into Alphys' and Asgore's faces.
"You were originally going to end up giving me a footjob, weren't you?" Asgore glared somewhat disgustedly at Alphys as he got out a shaving razor and trimmed his beard.
"Uh...footjob? W-what's that?" Alphys stammered and blushed awkwardly with embarrassment as she licked the creamy white substance off of her face and swallowed it wholesomely.
"YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN, MY CHILD." Toriel winked at her, kneeling down and patting her lovingly on the back.
A FEW MORE MINUTES LATER...
It was a quiet, peaceful evening in New Home. Not a creature other than Alphys, Toriel, Asgore and Undyne was stirring, not even a mouse...anyway, I'm pretty sure you get the idea, so let's just get on with it.
In the master bedroom, the aforementioned Asgore and Toriel were doing...very intimate and private husband-and-wife things with each other...or whatever the hell it was that they were doing, because honestly, I'm really not entirely sure myself.
"OH, ASGORE, YOU ALWAYS DID KNOW HOW TO BRING EXCITEMENT TO A WOMAN'S LIFE!" Toriel giggled and blushed, lying on the gargantuan king-and-queen-size bed and throwing a bunch of human plates (which were now useless since the Dreemurrs had magic plates that automatically washed themselves after meals) in the trident-wielding Asgore's general direction; before you ask, yes, they were both indeed completely and udderly naked.
"IT'S JUST LIKE THE PRESIDENTS ALWAYS SAID: SPEAK LOUDLY AND CARRY A BIG, LONG STICK!" Asgore laughed uproariously as he swung his massive trident directly into each plate and smashed it into god-knows-how-many sharp, jagged pieces, completely disregarding the fact that him and Toriel (oh, and also Alphys, let's not forget her either) were both perpetually barefoot.
"SWEET DEARIE ME, YOU'VE MADE SUCH AN ATROCIOUS MESS ALL OVER THE PLACE!" Toriel moaned with pleasure while Asgore swept up only about half of the pieces with his broom and left the rest of them in a very deliberate position on the floor, hoping that Toriel wouldn't notice.
"HONEY?!" Asgore called out for Toriel as he walked into the master bedroom's built-in bathroom and took a hot, steamy shower while Alphys and Undyne spied on him through the house's security system, which they had only recently hacked into to make it compatible with mobile-phone video streaming for pretty much the sole purpose of being able to record this.
"WHAT IS IT, FLUFFYBUNS?" Toriel yelled back.
"We're almost out of shaving cream." Asgore groaned in a profoundly deadpan tone, lathering soap all over his beautiful man-boobs and wondrous nether regions while Alphys promptly creamed herself and passed out onto the couch, still firmly grasping her phone in her left hand.
THE NEXT MORNING...
"Sigh...it just feels like there's something dreadfully missing in our relationship with each other!" Toriel laid on her bed and sighed as she gazed sadly upon the family portrait on her bedside table while Asgore was busy gardening and watering flowers over in his thickly overgrown throne room. Alphys and Undyne were already wide awake, as was pretty much to be expected on Toriel's part, but Papyrus had already gotten severely bored and fallen asleep.
"It's just...as a goat, I'm severely offended by this whole debacle we've been going through! The way he ALWAYS brushes me aside as if I'm nothing more than a petty annoyance to him...the way he just IGNORES me...it's seriously as if he isn't even INTERESTED in me anymore!" Toriel sobbed miserably, setting the picture back down on the table and burying her head in her hands.
"Gee, ya THINK?" Flowey suddenly popped up out of the flowerpot that also happened to be sitting on that very same bedside table and jeered sarcastically at her, having already foreseen his mother's divorce with Asgore long before it had actually happened in reality.
"SHUT YOUR DAMNED PIE-HOLE, FLOWEY!" Toriel scolded Flowey angrily, shooing him away with a fiery flick of her hand. "Pardon my language, but seriously, this s%# does NOT concern you!"
"Well, who exactly DOES it concern, then, hmm?" Flowey retorted with an irritatingly smug grin on his face. "Alphys and/or her (almost) equally hot girlfriend, I presume?"
"You got the first part right, I'll give you that much." Toriel sighed and blushed, hanging her head in lesbian-crush-induced shame while Flowey sang TORIEL AND ALPHYS SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G on endless repeat...at least until Toriel threatened to burn him alive, that is.
MEANWHILE IN THE LIVING ROOM...
"Ladidi la la laa laaa..." Alphys was singing adorably and squeakily to herself as she watered the plants in Toriel's living room after having finally watered all of the other ones.
"HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FREAKING POINTING THAT THING, WOULD YOU?!" Flowey suddenly popped up from one of the pots just to angrily and loudly yell at her.
"Dude, seriously, what the hell is your PROBLEM?!" Alphys yelled back at him, setting the now-empty watering can down on the floor and poking him savagely with her big chubby snout.
"Nothing, I just wanted to tell you that Asgore is a total CUCK!" Flowey laughed, immediately disappearing back into the ground and leaving Alphys to make what she would of that statement.
"Oh, my...so, I guess that means that Toriel has a not-so-secret girl crush on me...oh my God, that's so freaking ADOR(K)ABLE! EEEEEEEEE!" Alphys squeed and jumped for joy with delight.
"Oh, ALPHYS?" Toriel walked into the living room and called out to her.
"YESSS?" Alphys teasingly replied back, glaring seductively at Toriel while playing with her quills and crossing her legs.
"I don't like where this is going..." Flowey warned them, trembling with anticipation.
"Would you like to watch some TEE-VEE with me?" Toriel teased Alphys, glaring seductively back at her while playing with her ears and stroking her fluffy hair with her fuzzy fingers.
"Stop." Flowey commanded them, waving a leaf at them disapprovingly.
"Why, of COURSE, my sweet sexy darling!" Alphys giggled and blushed, putting her hands over her mouth like an adorable little bunny rabbit as she and Toriel leapt onto the couch and snuggled together on it.
"Stop!" Flowey yelled angrily at them, becoming progressively more agitated by the second.
"Alphys, we've got such a WONDERFULLY huge day ahead of us, you wouldn't even believe it!" Toriel laughed merrily, shooting a thumbs-up to the camerawoman and picking up the TV remote. "Gee, uh, thanks..." Undyne blushed and mumbled internally in response.
"STOP!" Flowey screamed at them, teleporting over to where Toriel was busy snuggling with Alphys and whispering both angrily and strongly discouragingly into her ear.
"Mom, just between you and me, you're a freaking IDIOT! This needs to stop NOW!" Flowey hissed and sneered at Toriel while she just absentmindedly brushed him away with her hand.
"Ignore that little pest, he's just jealous that he isn't the one who gets to...well...get down and dirty with me tonight, if you catch my drift!" Toriel snickered as she playfully, teasingly stroked Alphys' quills, cuddled her lovingly and gave her a nice, wet, sloppy smooch on the head.
"WHAT?! WHAT THE F#% ?!" Flowey gasped in horror, shaking his head and smacking himself with his vines in utter disbelief at what Toriel had just said (and done, for that matter) as she removed her dress and bikini, grabbed Alphys' head and shoved it directly into her bosom.
"MFFF! TORIEL, PLEASE STOP IT, YOU'RE LITERALLY SUFFOCATING ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Alphys screamed, flailing her stubby little limbs about and gasping for air as Toriel pressed her chubby little lizard head firmly in-between her plump, cushiony, ever-so-gorgeous breasts.
"Boy, THAT'LL be something really fun to show to Alphys' parents!" Undyne giggled and blushed, covering her mouth with her hand to hold back her impending fit of laughter.
"Come on, cutie-pie, let's go cook up some delightful ADVENTURE together!" Toriel redressed herself and skipped merrily across the house to the front door with Alphys lovingly holding her hand.
"Hey, uh, before we go...would you like to redress yourself into something even more fashionable, sweetie?" Toriel asked Alphys curiously, patting her on the head gently.
"Um...well..." Alphys sighed, looking behind her and seeing Undyne drawing her finger across her neck ominously. "Um, y-yeah, S-SURE!" she stammered frantically, trembling in terror.