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Tocc's Last Watch

O. Deutsch

Tocc thoughtlessly pushed her salad around her plate; occasionally she'd spear an apple or a cricket and silently watch it slide down off her fork. The canteen was full of other bats eating what was dinner for most of them, but for Tocc it was supposed to be her breakfast. Some would stare in her direction and murmur amongst themselves. She couldn't tell what was being said, but the whispering only happened when she was around so she knew it was about her. Her last remaining friend, Ven'nox Il, carefully came up from behind and set down her plate of food next to Tocc's. In the past few months Tocc had been ruining all of her friendships and burning bridges at an alarming rate. She sulked over her tray, hunching her shoulders and gripping the backs of her huge ears to avoid eye contact; her wings wrapped around her arms to shut out even more light. They sat in silence next to each other. neither eating for different reasons, one out of depression the other from concern. As Ven'nox concernedly watched her, Tocc could feel her sympathetic nervous system begin to take over her body; her heart pounded, tears filled her eyes, her neck hurt from clenching her jaw so hard, and she inhaled in hiccups rather than smooth breaths. The pain of her anxiety was unbearable. "Tocc?"

"What?..."

"Have you eaten, yet?"

"... no."

"When was the last time you ate a real meal?"

"I dunno... couple days maybe."

"I... I'm worried about you."

"Well do what everyone has done and fucking stop!" She abruptly stood up and threw her tray of food at Ven'nox Il. "I don't want your fucking worry! I don't want your fucking sympathy! Fuck off! Nobody cares if you're worried, cunt!" Tocc stormed out of the mess hall and Ven'nox Il followed her closely.

"Tocc! Wait!"

"What now?!" She spun on her heels taking an aggressive stance opposite of Ven'nox Il.

"Why are you acting like this?"

"Why do you give a shit?"

"Look, Tocc, I've been seeing you on this slide for a while and I've been trying everything I can to help-."

"Inever asked for your help, Ven'nox Il! I never have wanted it, I don't want it now, and I can guaran-fucking-tee you I never ever will want it!"

"... are we back to a long name basis now? No longer just Nox and Tocc?" "I guess we are, Ven'nox Il! I guess it's a simple thing for you, though, considering I never could earn even a first extra syllable."

"Tocc, I don't know if I can keep doing this-."

"Then do us both a favor and stop."

"... is that what you really want?"

"Yes! Just... just forget I fucking exist, okay? Forget about the friendship you _think_we had, go back to the canteen and just pretend I'm not even real! From now on I'm just a stranger to you!"

"Fine! I'm tired of trying and trying to talk to you and just getting nothing but push back and hostility! I'm tired of giving and giving, and never getting anything in return. Tired of pretending that I don't hear what people have been saying about you. I'm _tired_of -... of seeing you fuck yourself up! I'm worn out, and if that's how you want it, that's how it's gonna be and-... just-... never fucking mind... Goodbye. Don't expect me to talk to you again." Ven'nox Il stomped back to the cafeteria in tears.

Tocc just stood there breathing heavily, unable to summon her feed and breed instinct and stuck in fight or flight mode seemingly permanently; angry teardrops formed in her eyes as she watched her last remaining friendship finally burn into nothing but soot blowing in the wind. She pressed he palms into the hollows of her eyes; trying, unsuccessfully, to curb her sorrow by sheer force. "I want it to stop." She quietly chanted to herself over and over, and rocked back and forth on her hips a little. "Make it stop. I want it to stop. Please make it stop. I want it to stop." Ever since she was a toddler it was something she would say to herself whenever she was particularly distressed. She was so lost in herself she didn't hear the guard tramping through the otherwise empty hallway towards her.

"Tocc!" A masculine voice called from behind her, making her jump let out a hardly noticeable yip, she carefully turned around to see the large bat standing over her with a light scowl.

"Y-yes sir?"

"Warlord Brinx wants to see you before you go to your watch duties, report to him immediately."

"Sir."

"That's all." He marched away before she could say anything.

Keeping her head down to avoid eye contact with the few others that occupied the hallways she quickly strode towards the center of the building. She boarded an elevator and blindly hit the highest button on the panel, sinking into the corner of the box as others filled the elevator; she held her arms over her gut, one of her hands in a death grip on the strap of her messenger bag, and her skull imperceptibly shivered. With a ding at each floor more passengers disembarked until she was alone again. She inhaled through her nose and her cheeks puffed as she exhaled through her teeth, barely getting a handle on her emotions before the doors opened to Brinx's office. With her shoulders hunched up she ambled up to the desk; straightening herself out her eyes pointed down and away from the old bat warlord, but she saluted anyway.

"Tocc reporting, Warlord Brinx Jin-."

"We don't have much time before your shift starts, just use my short name for now."

"Yes sir, Warlord Brinx."

"Take a seat, Tocc."

"Sir." She resumed her closed posture as she squatted down onto the uncomfortable wooden chair.

"Do you know why I called you here, Tocc?"

"Am I in trouble?"

"No... not exactly in trouble." He took a deep breath, and she could hear him shuffling through some papers. "your review came to my desk today. Do you know what it says?" Her frown deepened as she shook her head. "It says... a lot. The main thing is you still need to improve your performance and have made very little progress yet."

Salty drops of sorrow dripped down Tocc's her cheeks, seeped onto her tongue through the corners of her mouth and made tiny tapping noises on the carpet as she silently sat there; her frown increasing even further and jaw trembling uncontrollably. "How many different jobs have you had since your first raid, Tocc?"

"I-... I don't know, sorry." She quietly rasped.

"Five, Tocc... Five. and every time it's the same story: you start out fine for about a week, then something happens and you slow down, become less productive, less reliable, and less valuable to the tribe." She could hardly hear the warlord's admonishments over the voice in her head shouting at the top of its lungs. Idiot! Look at how useless you are! _ Pathetic! _"I would like it if you could _finall_y earn your second name, and a job brand. Because if you don't, Tocc... look at me." Her gaze reluctantly rose to meet his, and her already over-active heart began to beat even harder. "Stop crying." She held her breath and used a sleeve to dry her eyes in a meager attempt to stem the crying.

"I'm sorry, I just cry easily." The back of her throat hurt, almost as if she had swallowed a red hot golf ball.

"Stop apologizing, stop crying, look at me and listen." He said firmly. I want it to stop!"Look your family has been a big part of the Nychta tribe. Your mother was one of the best biker-blights ever, a true hell on two wheels. Your father, even though he wasn't a natural born Nychta, had been able to set up fences and trade relations every time we moved to a new area. Your older sister was-is_a brilliant doctor and chemist _and_an incredible pilot of any vehicle you stick her in. But you?" He sighed and shook his head. _Failure! _FAILURE! "I can't keep letting you skate by on your family's achievements. Your parents are dead, and Bogstrat In'vec has moved to working with the petticoats. Without your family to vouch for you I'm afraid that time is running out for you." Her eyes wandered away from him again and she choked a little on the mucus that was sticking to her pallet._Why do you even bother, Tocc?"You're officially on final probation. We're going to move the city starting today, and we should reach a new anchor spot in about a week, if you aren't improving by then then you will_be expelled from the Nychta tribe. Do you understand?" She mournfully nodded. _You're_ so _useless you can't even do the easiest job in the tribe! You FUCKUP!"Tell me you understand."

"I understand, Warlord Brinx."

"Good. Get the hell out of my office, and get to your post. I don't want to see you again unless it's during your job branding ceremony."

"Yes, Warlord Brinx." She hastily stood up and made an about face back to the elevator.

After another panic filled trip on the elevator, this time gradually filling up with bats rather than emptying, she made her way to the tram and boarded it for an even more angst ridden 20 minute ride to her watch post. She could feel the eyes of her tribesman all over her, silently judging her and pitying her. After the ride that seemingly took an eternity she practically sprinted to the tube lift for her guard post. She hastily pushed the bright blue button next to the lift's doors, and a voice came from a tiny speaker.

"By night the Nychta take flight."

Tocc cleared her throat, pressed the button again, and replied. "By day the wrecked city hides." A buzzer rang and the doors to the lift opened up. After a brief, but extremely energetic ride she arrived at the peak of a remarkably tall spire with glass on all sides. She stepped out and the tall male stood in the room. He thrust a clipboard into her arms, and spoke in an impenetrable brick of words. "You're late, again. I don't care what your excuse is today, just get in the fuckin' chair and keep a lookout. A warband is still out, they should be back in twenty minutes or so, when they get into view radio it in immediately,_then signal them to come into bay 17 so we can get the city moving ASAP. You're gonna want your dust mask today. You got the long shift again, so don't konk out at the end of it again. I'm going to bed. _Don't fuck it up today." He shoved his way past her, climbed into the tube lift and disappeared. She stood in utter silence for a moment, and as soon as she was sure she was truly finally alone she broke down completely into ugly sobs, coughing up phlegm and tears, and using a fist to hit her own temples. She uncontrollably repeated her mantra again, this time much louder. "I want it to stop. Please make it stop. I want it to stop. I. Want. It. To. Stop. Make it stop. Please make it sto-ha-ha-haaap." She reached into her bag and grabbed a handkerchief, stiff from snot and tears from previous crying episodes, and wiped her eyes off. "You can get through this. Just get through this shift."

She pressed a few buttons to open all the windows and fell into the seat in the tower and puffed a bit longer as she donned her dust mask and telescopic infrared goggles. Out of one side of the tower one could see the huge technologically wondrous city that long ago could long ago even fly, but now it could barely be effective enough to trundle along a few centimeters over the ground; on the other side was vast empty plains, barely visible in the dawning twilight. The sun peaked over the horizon and immediately the dust blowers on the edge of the city kicked to life, effectively hiding the city to the outside world. Her goggles let her see straight through incipient cloud of dust for possible threats. Just as predicted, 20 minutes after taking her post, a warband rolled into view, and used an infrared light to signal the tower. Tocc quickly signaled back to the warband to dock in their designated bay, but she forgot to radio in to let the city's pilot know that they could start moving the city. She didn't remember until the warband had completed docking with the city, almost half an hour later. She hastily grabbed a hold of the radio mic and flipped a switch. "The warband has come in, you can start relocating the city now."

"We know. You were supposed to radio it in when you _saw_the warband, not after they finished docking."

"S-...sorry."

"I'm sure you are." The voice on the other end was thick with sarcasm and agitation. She flipped the mic off again and spoke aloud to herself again as she pounded her fists against her forehead again. "Way to fuck up again, idiot. Why do you even bother?"

For twelve more hours she sat there as the city moved along, looking for threats, crying, and abusing herself, until the sun began to finally set. The dust blowers began to die down, and Tocc took off her goggles and mask. She stood and approached the open window, leaving the goggles and mask on the seat. "It's almost time to make it stop. You can almost make it stop now." She reached to her hip and grabbed a hold of a large combat knife, popping open the snaps and unsheathing it. She held it up to examine the high carbon steel blade. She reached into her bag and found the tiny pocket honing steel and mindlessly honed her knife as she stared at the plains. She dropped the steel on the ground and held out her left wing under her extended left arm. "You need to make it stop, Tocc. Make it STOP!" She quickly thrust the blade into the membrane of her wing over and over, utterly shredding it into long, useless ribbons. With a nimble toss she grabbed the knife with her left hand and did the same mutilation to her right wing. "Make it stop! STOP! _ STOP! _" Deep crimson blood slowly dripped down her arms and back, saturating the metal floor with her sanguine fluids. Huffing she dropped the knife on the ground, it clanged on the floor next to the honing steel. A buzz came from the panel next to her and she pressed the button on it, leaving behind a bloody thumbprint, and spoke a sorrow filled sentence. "By day the wrecked city hides."

"By night the Nychta take flight." She slowly lifted a finger and wrote 'I'm sorry' on the lower part of the open window in dark crimson blood. "It's finally time to make it stop, Tocc." She whispered to herself; her heart pounding, her eyes burning from crying so much, she leaned against the windowsill. "Tocc! Hurry up and let me in!" She pressed the button to let her relief up to the top of the tower and she stepped over the edge of the window, sitting precariously on the rim. She heard the tube lift reach the top of the tower as she pushed off from the window. She kept her eyes closed as the wind howled past her body; her wings instinctively spread wide, but they could not save her, she made sure of that.

Her sister didn't even find out what Tocc had done for a month and a half. Nobody spoke on her behalf at the funeral; many didn't know who she was, just another single-named-tribal-nobody getting an unceremonious final ceremony, and those she did know were too devastated, indifferent, or ashamed of themselves to show their faces. She came into the tribe as an inconvenience and left it as a smudge on the dust blowers, hated by none more than herself.