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Chapter 27 Xander PoV

When Xander returned to city hall he hoped that Sean would be there. Sean hadn't gone to the meeting that, Mr. Franks secretary Jessi said Sean had left for. He had to play it by ear when he got there, Amy liked his ideas and consolidated things with Vivian. Now he needed to find Sean for work and personal reasons. He needed Sean's buy-in for the debate, if he did then the project would be back in line and to his schedule. He called Sean again while he walked to Sean's desk. His call went straight to voicemail. Did Sean block me? It would have been right after he sent the angry voicemail, that shit. His fire to find Sean continued, Sean wasn't at his desk. He put his cold paws in his pockets, what should I do next. He checked is phones shared location map to see where Sean was, it said Sean was at home but it hadn't updated since a little after eight in the morning.

He saw Paul was at Oliver's place so he sent him a text, "Thanks again for the ride, I haven't been able to find Sean... how's your day?"

"I have to head to work soon, just stopped by Oliver's he's doing much better but he's confused, apparently, Sean's planning on coming over later and Sean isn't worried about the allergens which has Oliver worried," Paul texted.

"Really, that idiot last time that sent him to the hospital, when's he heading over?" He texted.

"Don't know, but we are having dinner at six-thirty, right?" Paul texted.

"Yeah I'll catch him outside Oliver's then head over," He texted then sat in Sean's chair.

"I'll walk to work from here that way you don't have to walk for dinner or wait on the bus, My cars in the garage Oliver will have the keys for you," Paul texted.

"Thanks Paul, you're awesome see you later!" He replied.

He checked his watch, I want food Sean, hurry the hell up I need to get food, there's a cafeteria here. I'm not eating here this place still stinks, wait or get food, wait or get food? He waited at Sean's desk, and wrote an outline for an add targeting people that preferred loss prevention, and another for people currently gains seeking. I'm I a 'loss prevention' guy or a 'gains seeking' guy? Then said, "I want Paul and I want Sean but is that Mate Acquisition and self-preservation or more loss prevention and gains seeking."

College was so long ago, at least these frameworks have been helpful. Then gave up waiting for Sean and headed to lunch.

Am I temporary, Is Paul temporary... we're all temporary, if Sean did want to be with me what would I do, he walked to the elevator.

Paul called me his Boyfriend today, and Tanner tried having sex with Sean, he walked to a nearby cafe that Sean often talked about.

It didn't make me jealous that Tanner did that, but the idea that Sean wants Oliver does, I mean I set them up, with the birthday dinner, he ordered a Panini.

He sat wishing he wasn't in love with Sean so he could be free and happy with Paul.

He didn't notice when his Panini was delivered to his table, he was lost in memory, remembering back to a baseball game he watched with Sean.

"Sean why can't we be each other's first," I asked.

"Shut up Xander what if someone hears you," Sean asked in a growl, while he shifted on the bleacher covertly glancing to each side.

"Who cares if they hear, we graduate in four months, what'll they do now," I asked.

"I don't know, disown us, Xander my parents are the alphas, I can't date," Sean said.

"But you can go out with a guy online," I asked.

"I'm not going out with him and we won't do anything anyway, he just said to come over and he'd tell me what to do, I'm making sure it doesn't hurt for you," Sean said, "my dad's watchdog program won't let me get on AOL, and email is too slow."

"Why couldn't we learn together it's not like it could hurt," I said.

"I heard if you don't do it right it can, you can injure each other where you need the doctor," Sean said.

"I always thought we could be each other's first," I said.

"We can be I promise," Sean said then gently punched my shoulder.

"I'll hold you too that," I said.

"I may be a runt but you still couldn't hold me to anything," Sean said.

We got bored of the game and walk home.

Learn with me Sean, we'll figure it out, gently because I love you. I don't want to wait anymore, one more kiss down by the creak He'll have to say yes. "Hey, Sean let's go to the creak."

"No, Xander you'll get me worked up, I can't be worked up then head over," Sean said.

"Fine, soon, what about tomorrow," I asked.

"We will I promise, after I know how not to hurt you," Sean said.

I hated this wait.

"Wanta hang after," I asked.

"Can't mom and dad think I'm hanging with you," Sean said, "Come over tomorrow morning and we can 'play' halo or bike."

When we reached Sean's house I grabbed my bike and walked it to the creak while Sean biked away.

The rock bridge dam Sharron, Samantha, Sean and I made last fall washed away with the snowmelt in the mountains. Our place by the creek smelled of Cedars, Pines, Ferns, and the Maples. This was everyone's but it's Sean and my place now, just took a paw hold and a kiss. I sat on the bank in the foam flowers and munched on some wild chives_._ Bored and lonely but I couldn't leave. When the Sun set, I biked home for dinner, our place is so empty without him.

Hard and not shy about it while running over to his place as soon as it was ok to call that Sunday after service. Momma Miller said he wasn't feeling well. She checked on him but he was asleep. I had a long and lonely Sunday night. He didn't get online or anything.

I hoped he feels better so we could do it as soon as possible. Sean must have been laid up, he missed school so that Monday evening I took him the homework for the classes he missed.

When I got to his place his mom let me in, she asked, "Xander honey, I know Sean's sick but I think I need to take him to the doctor, or something, does he have a girl at school. I don't understand he seems depressed but he has a fever, could he be tricking the thermometer."

"No Mrs. Miller, he doesn't have a girlfriend, is he not sick," I asked thinking soon he'll have a boyfriend, me.

"I don't know he seems angry and sad," she said.

"Well I'll cheer him up," I said.

She gave me a plate of food to take up for him, and stood at the banister watching me as I went upstairs. I knocked at Sean's door.

"What, You woke me up, What do you want," Sean asked through the locked door.

"It's me I brought your homework, can I come in," I asked.

"Go away, I'm sick," Sean said.

"I need you to at least open the door I have your dinner and homework, I can't get the knob," I said. When he opened the door I darted past him nearly spilling the food.

"What the heck, man get out," Sean snapped at me.

The room reeked of Febreze I coughed setting down the plate as fast as I could to cover my nose. "What the hell Sean it's horrible in here," I growled through my elbow.

"I... I'm sick, please leave," Sean said scared.

"No, I can tell you're lying Sean, what's really going on here," I asked arms crossed.

"It's nothing, just leave me alone," Sean said.

"No, I'm here so you have to tell me or ignore me, I'm your best friend I have the right to know, come on, why is it an air freshener hell in here," I asked.

Sean threw himself onto his bed on the other side of the room huddled in the fetal position.

I sat on the edge of the bed about to rest an arm on him but he leaned back to knock me off the edge, then shifted back. With him being difficult I jumped on him. He yelped in pain and threw me off him like it hurt, far more than it should have.

"Whoa, Sean seriously what's wrong," I asked from the ground.

"Please just go away man, please," Sean said.

I could hear he was crying, and I smelt something through the Febreze.

I stood and ripped the covers off him.

"What the fuck is that," I snapped at him about the stain of blood spreading on the seat of his shorts his back still to me.

He sobbed.

"I'm getting your mom you need a doctor or something," I said back tracking to the door.

In a surprising burst of speed Sean leapt from the bed then blocked me, a grimace of pain on his muzzle.

"No, You can't, please don't," he pleaded.

"Something's seriously wrong with you," I said pissed that he wouldn't tell me he hadn't waited.

"You're... you're right but my parents can't know," Sean said.

"Why?" I demanded.

"They'd find out," he said.

"Find out what?" I snapped at him.

"They'll find out I'm gay and... and that I'm not a..." he broke down sobbing again.

"They'll find out that your gay, and not a virgin," I snapped growling, "big deal you never had a girlfriend all of high school they've probably guessed by now, and my parents know I'm gay and that you are too, we're all tired of keeping your big secret."

"They can't know," he said, "you can't tell them, please."

"Fine but you're being a pussy, you liar, and you still need a doctor you shouldn't be bleeding," I growled.

"No-no I'm fine," Sean said.

I looked at his laundry pile with several pairs of blood and shit stained underwear, "no you need a doctor." I said grabbing for the door handle.

Sean wrestled me but whatever was wrong was making the big guy weak as a baby. He growled in frustration then punched me in the muzzle as hard as he could. I landed on the floor again in shock. He cupped his paws to his muzzle.

"Xander I'm so sorry," he said.

I pushed passed him as he broke down in tears unwilling to stop me anymore.

"I'm so sorry" I heard faintly when I reached the foot of the stairs.

Mrs. Miller had a disgruntled look, "are you ok honey? What were all those noises?"

"Yeah, I'm fine I need to go home, but Sean needs a doctor he's not sick," I said.

"He isn't, oh dear what's wrong," She asked.

"He got in a fight or something," I lied, "I got to get home." I bolted out the door before breaking down into my own tears as my eye swelled closed.

"Sir are you done with your plate," a waitress asked.

His plate was scattered with crumbs, he felt full and empty at the same time but in different ways, nodding she could take the plate.

He texted Sharron while he walked back to city hall, "hey have you been able to reach Sean today?"

"No, I haven't tried, what's up?" She replied.

"Oh, his phone broke and I didn't know if his new one was working yet," he texted back.

"I don't know, Sam always knows what's going on I'll message her," she replied.

He didn't hear back for a while so he got back to work but halfheartedly. Why didn't he tell me then... he did, didn't he but I just never notice? Damn.

Chapter 28 Oliver PoV

Oliver kneaded his paws on the throw pillow careful of his claws, not wanting to buy another cover. Sean wants to be with me and I want to be with him, well I think I do, and I think he does, He paced his living room pillow a pin cushion_, What if I screw up dinner, or this date, and I could have nightmares again._

What if he just wants me because I'm a cat, does he just wants sex. Maybe we can just cuddle, he laughed, Naked in bed with him, Prime, I couldn't help myself, Paul's right no means no, wait what if I want it and he says he doesn't want too? Prime please, I'm not sure what to do? He jumped when the drier buzzed.

Paul drove him to pick up a HEPA filter before going to work.

He vacuumed again, then set up, and turned on the filter to help with allergens.

He heard footsteps in the hallway, holding his breath waiting for a knock but the steps moved down the hall.

He checked his phone, You idiot it's way too early. You're becoming a neurotic mess.

Despite this self-admission, he Muzzlebook messaged Sean, "you don't have to come over if you think it's a risk, I won't be offended." I hope you come, please come.

"I'm not missing time with you for the world," Sean replied filling him with a warm glow.

He dusted the walls unable to sit and rest which was the point of a sick day.

He couldn't tell anyone how lonely he was or how much he missed his home and community that wouldn't speak to him anymore. His last two friends from back home got a hotel and only stayed one night of a four-day visit. After he told them his health status.

Prime if all that rejection hadn't happened, I wouldn't have met Sean... please let him have a way for us to be together and thank you for not hating me.

His phone buzzed, He must be canceling, I knew he'd cancel, I'm too dangerous for him oh its Paul.

Paul texted, "remember Xander's picking up the car keys."

"I remember, couldn't he walk I kinda want the night with Sean?" He texted.

"I don't get why you're going for Sean when he's allergic to you, go for a sure thing," Paul replied.

"Like you?" He replied.

"Ouch... accurate but just, ouch," Paul texted.

"I didn't mean to be offensive I'm sorry, you know I'm excited and nervous. Can I tell you a secret?" He texted laying across the couch.

"You can tell me anything, I won't judge you, well much, a little judgement is assumed," Paul texted.

He felt warm shivers fill him, "well two secrets; if I didn't have FIV, and you weren't with Xander and so intimidating, once I'd gotten my courage up I'd have wanted to date you, but you're just too direct and forward."

"Boots you're a dork, but a cute one, your secrets are safe with me and Jill of course," Paul replied.

"That was only one of them, and why is it assumed that you can tell her?" He texted then he wrote, "I've never been with someone more than jacking since it happened, and I only tried oral before that."

"Wait, you're a virgin? But aren't you like thirty. She is basically my female husband," Paul texted.

"No, that was taken from me, I'm twenty-six, and that doesn't make sense." He replied then stared unthinking at the ceiling.

"Fine, a first time willing, virgin, and you want to give it too Sean," Paul asked.

"Yeah, when we ran into each other at Purr I was drunk and wanted to give my _______

Well whatever you want to call it, a try at least with him," He wrote.

"Why do you keep talking like what that animal did makes you less innocent? My blank?..." Paul asked, "Fuck that shiteater and remember you didn't want that to happen."

"Primes witnesses believe that sex is the merging of souls, you give a piece of yourself to that person and they get a bit of you." He texted.

"So, you want a bit of Sean forever and him to have a piece of you, that's so cute, wait how are you still a witness they cast you out?" Paul texted then in several rapid messages sent, "Wait that means you must believe a piece of that bastards still in you?"

"No, I mean just no, I loathe such a thought, you can't give that any credence get rid of it and him."

"You are too selfless to have that man in you in anyway."

"Thanks, Paul, I know you mean well but I saw a shadow of him in a nightmare last night, I can't pretend it never happened," He texted then rolled on his side to cuddle a throw pillow.

"Why didn't you tell me I'd have change my schedule, are you ok?!" Paul texted, "Is that why you called in sick and all that? You just seemed out of it last night."

"Sorta, I didn't want to talk about it right away," he texted, "but Sean and you were there for me in the dream but just Barely, I want to give Sean a place in my heart, I think it will help me grow past what happened, I think I could fall for him."

"Bad boots bad!! I can't be there for you if I don't know where you are emotionally, promise you'll tell me next time," Paul texted.

"Ok Puss I will, what are you doing at work today?" He texted.

"Inventories and cleaning out the freezer. So, you believe I have a little bit of a soul in me from everyone I've slept with," Paul asked.

"Yeah, we carry a bit of everyone we interact with in us but the pieces are larger from sex because it means so much," He texted.

"Prime, I must have an army by now... or is it only when the sex is memorable that it matters?" Paul asked.

"Doesn't all sex matter, well it has for me, I haven't thought about it not mattering," He texted.

"Well figure it out, I need to know if I should be charging rent," Paul texted.

"I'm pretty sure they don't have a hard currency," He texted.

"Good point, so you feel Sean can have a place in there," Paul asked.

"Yeah, he knows from personal experience what I've been through and is the first person I wasn't scared to talk about it with," He texted.

"Wait, Sean was raped too," Paul asked.

"Shit, please don't let him know I told you, I wasn't thinking," He texted.

"Don't worry I won't it's not like he and I are besties or anything, so why was I in your nightmare," Paul wrote back.

"Well in my nightmare I was being attacked in my childhood home, but I escaped for a bit, when he cornered me again, you, Sean and Xander were like my guardian angels." He texted.

"Awesome, did I have a killer sword of fire?" Paul texted.

"No but the three of you were all glowie before I woke up," He said.

"Well I'll take it, please let me know if you have a crazy dream I'll come right over," Paul texted.

"I'm beginning to wonder if you're a succubus, just after me for my soul to add to your collection," He texted while he avoided Paul's request.

"Incubus thank you," Paul texted.

"The puss-u-bus," He replied.

"Ok, so this B list independent film porno title brainstorming session is great, but you'll let me know when you have a dream like that, I want to help Boots," Paul texted.

He chuckled, "but if we keep talking about the porno, we can plan your new career as the sound effects guy."

"I'm not going to be a porno foley artist, they don't need me slurping for a mic they have that covered, now promise that you'll call, or I'm stealing your soul," Paul texted.

"Fine I promise, but stealing souls is more Satan than incubus," He texted.

"True, well anyway if you're going to be with Sean, I assume he knows your status, right," Paul asked.

He got up to walk, he needed to do something, "well no he's a wolf, it can't affect him."

"I read up on it Boots, after you told me, you mean it shouldn't, not that it won't. You need to tell him," Paul texted.

"I'm worried to tell him, what if that changes how he feels?" He texted.

"Then he isn't the nice guy you thought he was and it's better to know sooner rather than later. Paul texted.

"I know you're right but it feels shitty to worry that something I can't change could change how he sees me or wants me," He said.

"Oliver, you did that to me, I had a huge crush on you and didn't know why you didn't like me as anything but a friend. Anyway, if it doesn't work out we can share Xander, he has the stamina," Paul texted.

"Stop bragging about your new boyfriend," He texted.

"I think of him as my boyfriend but I don't know if he sees me the same way," Paul texted.

"Really, you guys should figure that out," He replied then rolled onto his back.

"I want too at dinner," Paul texted.

He startled when the apartment door opened.

"Good, Sean just got here, tell me how it goes," He texted then walked over holding his phone as a shield.

"Will do Boots and you tell me too," Paul texted.

He locked his phone and put it in his pocket, While Sean finished putting his coat on the hook then took off his shoes.

He swiped the sides of his claws together clicking them in anticipation, then asked, "How did the work meeting go?"

Sean leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, then said, "It was great got a lot done."

"What was that," He asked, paw held to the place Sean kissed, the warm glow radiating from the site, "wait Sean won't you get sick?"

"I'll be fine, you'll see, trust me," Sean said while he took his other paw then pulled him to follow.

They walked to the living room, his head spun like he had been drugged, but it was nothing like it had been with the Rhino.

"Prime, Sean I, I've wanted to hold you so badly," He whispered.

Sean sat down which pulled him onto the cushions with him. He felt Sean's forehead like a heat pad after a long day against his neck, arms wrapped around him, Firm chest to his left shoulder, their legs intertwined.

"Sean, I want to talk to you about-" He said, "Hey, are you crying?"

"I'm so happy, it's working," Sean said between sobs.

"What's working," he asked, "And I need to talk to-"

He meeped into the full maw kiss that took him off guard, he purred involuntarily as he became lost in the heat of Sean's agile tongue.

Chapter 29 Sean PoV

Sean's tail popped he wagged it so hard.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong, I've wanted that for way too long," He said and panted, his hips still pinning Oliver to the couch.

"Wow, I-I'm light headed, that was amazing," Oliver said, then moaned when they rubbed their hips together.

He traced a nail along Oliver's left ear, then said, "You're kiss number eight."

"Wait, you've only kissed eight times and you're that good, " Oliver asked.

He chuckled, then said, "No just the eighth person."

"Oh, well I have only made out with six," Oliver said.

"We're not very active for our age," He said then lay and nuzzled on Oliver.

"Sean, do you only like me because I'm a cat," Oliver asked, he smelled nervous.

"No but it makes everything so much easier for me," He said.

"How is it easier, you're allergic to me," Oliver asked then shifted under him, which made things more comfortable.

"Oh, I just like cats, the way you smell, the way you move, that you're not pack, you're not canids and you don't mind if things are a bit..." He said, Shit, I don't want Oliver to be like my fantasy, I like him the way he is, those fantasies are gross. His boner softened.

"Cats don't mind what," Oliver asked.

"It's kinda embarrassing, I just realized something I'm not proud of," He said then lifted himself off Oliver.

"Tell me, I've got something to share," Oliver said, "because I thought it might change things I haven't. It's hard for me to talk about it."

He was pulled back to snuggle chest to chest with Oliver.

"I've never told anyone this... no one," He said sinking back into Oliver's arms nuzzling his ear into a warm cinnamon ruff.

"I had a hard time telling anyone," Oliver said, "I told my closest friends and they went home."

"Wait the two other Tigers, I thought you said they wouldn't stay with you because you're gay," He asked.

"It's that and something else," Oliver said, "why do you want a feline?"

"I'm ashamed to say," He said then moved to the other side of the couch as he pulled away.

"Is it one of the cat fetishes, if you're into getting sprayed that's ok, it's not my thing, but I won't judge you," Oliver said.

He laughed and said, "No it's not water-sports, I think I'm just fucked in the head, I have dark fantasies, and there's that stereotype that cats get off on pain during sex."

Oliver blanched. "I see," He said, "So you want to hurt me."

"Alpha no, I hate that shit," He said, "it pops into my head, when getting off all the time. I don't know if it's from being raped or from being sent to conversion therapy right after that happened."

"Oh... I'm not into pain," Oliver said legs huddled to his chest.

"I've never thought of you that way, or Xander," He said, Why did I say anything, I fucked everything up.

"You've thought of cats like that before," Oliver asked.

"Yeah, I have... telling you fucked everything up didn't it," He asked.

"No, I still want you here," Oliver said, "but your fetish is kind of a turn off for me."

"I hate it too, remember I was the 'Runt' to my rapist, I don't want to think about causing pain or raping someone but it just comes up," He said, then stood, "I-I should go."

"No," Oliver said, jumping to grab him, "I have scars from my rapist too, inside and out, I don't think there sexy and I don't like your scars they make me think of my own." Oliver pulled his shirt off.

He startled at the paw holding his wrist stepping back.

Oliver leaned showing him two rumpled parallel lines of fur on his left shoulder, Oliver said, "he bit me, leaving several types of scars. I hate thinking about it, I do every time I see you and it's always worth it. We'll get counseling remember."

"I don't want to hurt anyone," He said, "but I don't know how to make it stop," while feeling along Oliver's scars.

"Will figure it out," Oliver said, then took his paw and kissed him, "I wouldn't miss you for the world either."

Oliver led him back to the couch and into his arms.

"I just want that moment, you know, in the movies. It probably doesn't exist where you get to just be with someone where everything's right, no miss understandings or secrets, just each other and happiness," He said while he shaped his thoughts with his paw in the air.

"Sounds nice, but it would be very vulnerable," Oliver said pulling him till he draped over a firm chest. He leaned his head back onto Oliver's shoulder to nuzzle cheek to cheek.

"You're my first," He said.

"First cat I imagine," Oliver said.

"The first anyone since conversion therapy," He said, "It's hard being this open with people."

Oliver squeezed him nuzzling.

"Not even Xander," Oliver asked.

"Particularly Xander," He said, "we made up after my therapy, during college together, but things just weren't the same."

Their comfortable silence lingered, while they snuggled.

"At least he still wants you in his life," Oliver said.

He snorted, then said, "Doesn't feel like it recently."

"He does, have you still not talked," Oliver asked, "Sometimes telling things is easier in your head... You know I told you my friends left because of my secret."

"You can tell me, you haven't kicked me out for mine," He said then licked Oliver's nose.

"Hey," Oliver said wiping his nose, "Fine, I'll tell you," then sat in a drawn-out silence

"Uhm, you still haven't said anything," He said.

"Well it's about my health," Oliver said, then his phone rang, "it shouldn't affect you but- one second. Hey it's Oliver."

He was curious but unconcerned, till he recognized the voice he faintly heard on the other end of Oliver's call.

"If I can? Yeah, I can buzz you up, I'll have the key for you," Oliver said, when he ended the call.

"Why was Xander calling you," He asked when he extracted himself from their cuddle.

"He's borrowing Paul's car, which Paul left here for him," Oliver said.

"Oh, so you guy's hangout now... I haven't seen him in days," He asked annoyed at the implied exclusion.

"No just Paul, but with them being joined at the hip so to speak I have got to talk with him a few times," Oliver said then stood walking to the door then hit the door buzzer. Oliver went to the bathroom while He sat alone, I forgave him, didn't I he didn't mean for it to happen.

I got on AOL as soon as I stopped crying and e-mailed Xander, "I'm so sorry, please forgive me I need you right now, you don't know what it was like."

My room's door knob rattled, so I hit send and closed the browser then switched off the screen. I stood up from where I knelt still unable to sit on my hard desk chair.

"Honey are you-" Mom peaked in but recoiled at the smell, "so that's where the air freshener went."

My heart raced, I lied, "I'm fine mom, what's up?"

"Well Xander ran home and he just got here, and he mentioned you got in a fight," mom said.

"I didn't mean too," I said as she advanced into my room looking concerned when she flipped the lights on. I paced back from her across my room till my tail brushed my bed I didn't want her to see my shorts and freak out like Xander did. I flicked my tail up before I sat, that action and sitting made me wince, I hoped mom hadn't seen.

"Honey what happened," She asked.

"I don't want to talk about it, and I didn't mean to hit him but he wouldn't leave me alone," I said.

"Him who, the person you got in a fight with... wait you mean Xander? He said you weren't sick, honey, You hit him, why would you two fight," Mom asked then sat next to me with a stern expression.

Shit he told her I got in a fight with someone else, I said, "Someone picked a fight with me, not Xander."

"But you did hit Xander, that's why he ran home? For what reason? Sean, I understand if you got in a fight you didn't start, but I need an explanation, why would you hit Xander and why did you lie about being sick," mom said.

I sat for a bit, there has to be a way out of this, I couldn't tell them what happened, then said, "Xander was going to tell about the fight. I didn't want him to tell you and he wouldn't listen and I lost my temper."

"Son you know that's not ok, what is the punishment we decided as a family we'd get for hitting," mom said.

"No computer, but I need to apologize to Xander," I asked trapped.

"You can send one message, then I want the power cord to your computer, but I still want to know why you lied about being sick," she said paws held in her lap, never a good sign.

"I didn't want to go to school," I said and held my paws under my knees sitting mostly on my thighs.

"Obviously, but why," She asked.

"Because if I did go, I'd have to run in gym class," I said in an attempt to be creative, but honest.

"So, you didn't want to run..." she said.

We sat in silence for a good while.

"I didn't want to run cause it would hurt," I said.

"Sean why and where would it hurt," She asked.

Shit Shit Shit, I could say, I hurt my foot kicking the attacker, no too easy to disprove, I've been walking fine. Shit why did I say I couldn't run, tell her something. My ribs, I could say it's my ribs, they could hurt when you run, my tail wagged feeling clever but that sent knives of pain up my spine.

When I yelped, mom asked, "It's your tail, they hurt your tail."

Shit no way out of this now, "Yeah the guy grab me by the tail it... it hurts," I said, she might want to see it and she'll see my shorts.

"What guy Sean? Was it someone from school," She asked then took my paw in hers.

"No," I said.

"Who was it," She asked.

"It was no one just a random guy," I said.

"Honey you were attacked by a random guy, but you won't say who... when did it happen," She asked.

"Friday night after the game," I said.

"I thought you were hanging out with Xander," Mom asked.

"I was," I said,Jeez here comes the interrogation.

"Really so he was there for the fight, that's how he knows about it," Mom asked, "I'll need to talk to his mom."

Mom got up.

"Ok I wasn't with Xander," I blurted out.

"So, you're lying again, why can't you tell the truth, I didn't raise you to be a liar," mom said.

"If I tell you and dad you'll both freak out," I said like an idiot.

"Oh... so what were you doing," Mom asked like an immovable statue.

"I... I can't say," I said while blood pounded in my ears.

"Honey, you mean you won't say. All I've heard is that you got in a fight, you hit Xander, you have a tail injury, you lied about being sick, stole the air freshener, obviously trying to hide something from me, and now you won't talk about it," she said mixed anger and worry in the lines of her drawn brows her scent masked by the freshener.

"I can't mom, dad would freak out," I said it got harder to breathe.

"Again, you say can't when you mean won't, why won't you... why," She asked.

I couldn't speak.

"Why can't you tell me, does this have something to do with a girl... a gang.... drugs what's going on," She asked.

"No mom, I'd never be in a gang, and it wasn't a girl," I said my joints popped as I kneaded my paws.

"You didn't answer if it was drugs. Was it drugs," She asked disappointment clearly showing.

A tangy smelling bottle under my nose which made me light headed, warm, and my heart race, while I was told to shut up and be a good little runt. Then the sharp tearing, I hung my head tired of lying, not knowing what to say.

"So, you were doing drugs and got into a fight... I'm going to talk with your father and One of us will need that power cord when we get back then the three of us can discuss further punishments," mom said and stood.

"I didn't want to do it," I said, unable to think of how to get out of the situation.

"We all have choices, you know that, I'll be right back," she said then walked rigidly out of the room.

My vision tunneled as I hyperventilated, then when I calm down a bit, I change my shorts and threw all of my bloody clothes into the closet under a blanket. I sprayed air freshener then went to the computer.

When I signed in Xander had replied, "I hate you, you couldn't wait, you're a liar and you hit me, what the hell was that, some friend you are."

I wrote back, "Mom thinks I'm on drugs now, why'd you tell her I got in a fight, I wanted to wait he didn't let me Xander, I'm sorry I shouldn't have hit you. I won't be able to message, my mom's taking the power cord. I can't go to the doctor then everyone would know."

I sent the message and heard loud voices downstairs.

They never yell why can't they just yell, oh Alpha, I don't know what to do.

"Karl, I should be there too," mom said while I heard them come up the stairs.

My heart raced, I could climb out the window and run, but I sat breathing heavily. They passed my room.

"It's ok I just need to print something and talk to him, then you and I will discuss everything else with him about the change," dad said.

I pressed myself against the door to listen.

"You really think it's needed," mom said.

"Stephanie, I talked to Julian about it well before any of this happened, Sean will graduate even if we go this route, and I think it's needed he's getting to the point where if we don't get him on the right path there won't be another chance," dad said while they moved down the hall.

"I know we need to be there for him, but maybe we should let him learn from his mistakes, I mean this is drastic and we can't isolate him" mom said till I couldn't hear them anymore.

Fuck... fuck fuck fuck. Julian? What is dad talking to the principal about, I paced the room and held down the burning in my throat, I've cried too many times, I'm not going to be weak anymore, I won't be the runt anymore.

The door opened, I held my breath.

Samantha and Sharron came in, Sharron asked, "Sean, what's going on?"

"I can't say," I said and shrank back to the bed. They sat to either side of me.

"Are you ok, mom was telling dad you hit Xander, why would you do that," Sharron asked.

"He was going to tell mom something I.... she couldn't know," I said, Please just leave, both of you leave.

"Was Xander going to tell mom that you're gay," Samantha asked.

My heart stopped, I said "how did you?... get out."

"Sean you're gay," Sharron asked.

I couldn't stop the tears, "please just leave before mom and dad... they're going to come back."

"I'm right aren't I, I don't care if you're gay Xander came out to me a longtime ago," Samantha said.

"Sam it's a sin," Sharron said.

"Please leave, both of you just leave, I never wanted any of this," I yelled my world falling apart.

Sharron hugged me, then said, "I love you, there's hope, dad will fix this."

"I love you no matter what," Samantha said and hugged me too.

"You don't understand... it's more there's more... please leave," I said in sobs.

"Girls I need to talk to Sean," dad said from the door.

I wheezed as I neared an asthmatic episode. Sharron and Samantha left and mom guided them down stairs while I scrambled for my inhaler.

Dad stood patiently as an executioner safe in the knowledge that he had far more time than I did.

I huffed in the puffs then clenched my eyes and quelled the rock in my throat.

"Son let's have a little chat," dad said gesturing to my bed.

I sat hating everything being a runt, Xander, being runted by that shiteater and bloody, myself, and dad for putting me through this.

I gingerly scooted back on the bed and held my knees to my chest.

"So is there something you want to tell me," Dad asked.

"No, I really don't, I just want everyone to leave me alone," I said, Please just forgive me or ground me, anything to be alone just let me be alone.

"Fine, then I'll share a story with you," dad said then sat next to me papers in paw.

"What are those," I asked while a chill flowed through me.

"There a story, and I think they say what is really going on here, your mom said you tried drugs, I think that could be true but isn't the issue here," he said, "you could just tell me."

I sat in the silence.

"Ok," dad said, then read slowly, "March eleventh four sixteen PM, user Shepherds-Catwolf signed into craigslist list male for male Seattle metro...."

He looked at me while I sat in shock, then said, "I can read what you wrote but I haven't at this point, nor did I print it for our little chat, I get that you were curious everyone has urges, but this is a phase and behavior you can't allow to become a habit."

"How did you... why?" I stammered.

"I got watchdog when we first got a family computer, none of you knew, but son I've known you've been looking at these forums, chats, and Alpha only knows what else since you were thirteen, I block the sites hoping you would learn but you haven't." Dad said.

I stammered, "I... dad it's not that... I never wanted this, I..."

"It's ok son this is a hardship but you don't have to bare it alone, we have a plan and it won't jeopardize college for you, but before we go into that I want us to pray," dad said.

I had been for hours and years that this conversation would never happen.

"Son do you see yourself as... gay," dad said.

"I never thought of myself as anything," I said.

"Well do you find yourself attracted to men," He asked.

"I think..." I could hardly speak my throat was so dry, "yes I am."

"Alpha help us," dad said then he showed his throat, "we can fix this, we can help you and protect the family from this."

I choked on the words when I asked, "How, are you going to disown me?"

"We will not disown you, we will help you, let's pray," dad said still settled in submission to the Alpha.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to disappoint you but I can't make it stop," I said.

"The alpha knows, let us pray... Dear leading father... submit son," Dad said then he waited till I joined him in a posture of submission my silent tears rolled back up my forehead.

"Dear leading father, I put before you my son, who as you as all-knowing can see needs you, please help us to lead him through these life decisions, Alpha we know that you never give us something greater than we can bare, I know then that this is something we can change please show us how," dad prayed then waited for my prayer.

"I.... I can't change, I... don't know what to do..." I mumbled.

"Please help him, amen," dad said then he sat up and said, "I'm getting your mother."

I sat in silent self-hatred while he left the room, Why are you doing this to me, do you hate me? I've loved you in everything my whole life, but I can't change this. Do you hate-

Dad and mom came into my room, mom didn't look happy.

They hate me because they're ashamed of me.

Mom and dad sat to each side of me, mom held my paws.

"Son we have an alternative education program that helps those in your situation," dad said.

What is that, what does this mean.

"You'll be starting tomorrow," mom said with a squeeze of my paw.

"What does that mean," I asked.

"We are pulling you out of school, the public school isn't good for you, and you'll start at Hope Wins till you graduate in June," dad said.

"What, No, all my friends, that's not fair," I shouted.

"It's been decided, you said you don't know how to change, and they know how to help you," dad said.

"I've never heard of them, where is this Hope Wins place," I said.

"It's not really a school school, it's a therapy system, and camp in Idaho," mom said.

"You're sending me away, please, Please don't send me away," I said.

"It's already been decided, Julian has made sure you'll graduate while we get you therapy," dad said.

"But my friends and track, I'll miss prom, what will everyone say," I yelled.

"Son we have to do this before you get yourself raped and murdered," dad snapped.

I burst into tears and hugged mom, Dad has to know, he hates me.

They talked at me but I couldn't hear them. Mom and dad let me write one last e-mail to Xander then I was grounded from the computer. They left the room, I got back online.

Xander messaged, "serves you right for hitting me, I was only trying to help. I've decided to forgive you but only if you come out."

I laughed bitterly then wrote, "You got what you wanted. I'm out. But this is my last message. We can't talk anymore. I'll miss you, I hope we can still be friends even though this is your fault. See you after graduation. I love you still." I sat looking at his message then deleted what I wrote.

"So, I'm out now, my parents flipped out. There sending me away. I'll miss you. Please don't hate me if I'm different when I get back. If you want to know if I'm still me, just ask, are we good. Sean." He hit send and turned off the computer.

He came back to himself when the toilet flushed. His eyes blurred, I won't cry, stop it.

The rock from years passed ripped at his throat.

Chapter 30 Xander PoV

Xander leaned against the bike rest outside Oliver's building. He and Sharron texted about Sean, she texted, "I didn't know what to do, I mean I know he hated conversion therapy. We didn't know what he was going through. I don't know what happened with the camp or the other thing, he's never talked about either till recently."

"He didn't talk to me till he got back," He texted, "it was hard getting back to best friends, I don't think he has done that with the rest of the family."

"It's been ten years?"

"Hey, you're the one that teased me on the trip, it's been ten years, but it's scarred me for a life time."

The reply took a while, then she texted, "Are you talking about when we went to Disneyland?"

"Yeah, the car ride, that was so awkward, and the fights and... stuff," He texted. He pulled his coat tighter against the wind wishing Sean would hurry up.

"I don't think that was that scarring. I was just talking about me and you, and you and Sean, and it was a joke anyway."

"Yeah well it wasn't funny, Sean felt trapped, in the car, at conversion, most of his childhood, it's all had a lasting impact on him, like the memory of that trip is for me, he's haunted by all of it and won't talk about it, I wish he would."

"But I love that memory," She texted, "it's one of the best times I ever had, with everyone I love, why do you call it scarring?"

"Yeah and Sean's worst was with everyone he loves too," He texted, "getting outed, conversion, that trip. For me it sucked because he told me he changed and I wasn't his type anymore."

"We only did what we thought was best, I wish I hadn't left when he told me a couple days ago, he was yelling and blaming mom and dad, I just didn't know how to deal. I still think they were right to intervene, with where he was going," Sharron texted.

"You mean being gay? Because that hasn't changed, like at all, you all only crushed him when he was already broken," He texted, an angry heat fighting away his shivers. He needed to pee too, "Hurry up Sean."

"No one knew, you didn't go tell mom or dad, and they were worried about risky sex and STD's," she texted.

"That was his first time, he was and is a prude compared to most," He texted.

"Wait you guys never experimented? Wow, never thought I'd ask about either of your sex lives," Sharron texted.

"Lol, see now you're truly one of my siblings. Nosey as hell :D. No, we wanted to wait and not screw up our friendship, so nothing ever happened no matter how much I tried, but it's hard he won't talk about that past. Yet a lot of the time it's like he's stringing me along as an emotional Band-Aid," He texted.

"Well if you weren't gay we would have been mated already just like I planned," Sharron texted.

"Even though I'm not a Wolf?" He texted.

"Strong as a wolf is a great last name and yes you'd have been a great lap dog," Sharron texted.

"So that's Zach, a Trophy husband?" He texted.

"No, he isn't and you wouldn't have been either, I was ten when I made those plans, still broke my naive dream when I learned you were gay from Sam," Sharron texted.

"I was planning to tell you, sort of," He texted.

"Really... you told Sam, so I know you could have told me," Sharron texted.

"You were a foot taller than me, and if no one's ever said it you're kinda intimidating," He texted.

"I am not, nor was I ever a foot taller," Sharron texted.

"Well anyway, you are bigger, and I felt like you would just make me do what you wanted," He texted.

"That's what Sean said too," Sharron texted, "well I am who I am, I guess that's the point you and Sean are who you guys are.... So are you really going to keep this random cat instead of trying with Sean," She asked.

"Would it be weird if I said I kind of want both," He texted. The text message showed she read it. Several cold minutes went by till she responded.

"... :( yes, it is, I don't know if you're joking and I don't really want to know," Sharron texted.

"I want it all, I want to make everyone happy," He said.

"And you feel you could be there emotionally for more than one person?... no, nope, it's a sin I'm not going to even think about it," Sharron texted.

"Oh, come on the friends and family vacation after Sean got back you said you'd share me with him if I'd just stick to the plan," He texted.

"Please don't remind me of that, that was incredibly embarrassing," she texted.

"Ah, you've had a change of heart I see?" He texted.

"Yeah, you're ten years late on that teenaged idiotic offer," she texted.

"I guess I am, plus I'm too late for anything with Sean, right now I'm just trying not to lose him as a friend," He texted.

"What do you mean," She texted.

"I got jealous that he wanted the tiger and we had a fight, then there was his phone and the TV thing, which I didn't know about, I left some angry voice mails after ignoring him for a while, so now I'm trying to catch him before he goes on a date with the Tiger," He texted.

Then a message from Paul came, "hey, still on for six thirty?"

"Yeah, I still haven't seen Sean though," He texted Paul.

Sharron texted, "What do you mean he's trying to date Oscar."

He texted, "yeah, it's Oliver, they have a date tonight or something, I'm kinda guarding the front door."

"That Idiot, I'm calling mom," Sharron texted.

Paul texted, "when will I see you?"

"Please don't call your mom, that hasn't worked out great in the past, I got it covered." He texted Sharron, then to Paul he texted, "soon Sharron Sean's sister is kinda making things more complicated."

"He hasn't listened so far, I think we need an intervention, this is dangerous," Sharron texted.

"He's an adult," He texted Sharron.

"Oh, that's lame, I'm looking forward to seeing you. You're still coming, right?" Paul texted.

"I don't care if he is an adult he is also an idiot," Sharron texted.

"Would it be weird if I said I missed you," Paul texted.

"If he can't or won't act like an adult, we won't treat him like one," Sharron texted.

"Please that's just going to make things worse," He texted Sharron.

"Well I already called mom, she's getting Sean's number from Sam," Sharron texted.

"Wait you have his new number," He asked.

"Yeah, she texted a temp one then you distracted me, with how stupid Sean is," Sharron texted.

"Text me it please," He texted.

"What's the cats address, mom wants it," Sharron texted.

"Whoa whoa... I'm not giving out someone else's address, I think this is escalating," He texted.

"Fine then I'll just send her your friend finder location," Sharron texted.

"What, Sharron that's so inappropriate, and this isn't his current number he's back at the original one, Paul's roomy said he got a new phone but the same number," He texted.

"Done is done, manners aren't as important as Sean's safety," Sharron texted.

"Just have her call him," He texted.

"Xander you aren't replying, do you think it is," Paul asked.

"Yeah yeah totally," He texted Paul while he called Sharron.

"What," she snapped, "moms on the other line."

"Just let me go talk to Oliver and get me Sean's number," He said.

"It's not working anyway, but fine I'll text it," Sharron said.

"Stop your mom, she'll waste a drive if she comes and can't find him or reach his number," He said while he paced.

"Good point, get that cat to think, he's putting Sean in danger, talk to you soon," Sharron said then she ended the call.

He called Oliver.

Oliver answered, "Hey it's Oliver."

"It's Xander, if you could buzz me up that would be great."

"If I can? Yeah, I can buzz you up, I'll have the key for you," Oliver said.

"Cool cool see you in a sec," He said he pocketed his phone and ran to the staircase, a habit from Sean's place.

His phone buzzed, Sweet Puppy Alpha they are persistent... what the hell.

Paul texted, "maybe dinner isn't such a great idea tonight."

He walked down the hall to Oliver's door while he wrote, "Why is that?"

"No idea :(...think about it," Paul texted.

"Well I want to see you," He texted then knocked at Oliver's door.

"Really, sure didn't sound like it," Paul texted.

Oliver answered the door, "hey Xander here are the keys, and are you ok?"

"I'm not sure I was going to dinner with Paul but he doesn't seem interested now, and I was hoping to talk to Sean I was waiting outside, but I kinda can't wait anymore, I need to talk with both of them," He said.

"What about," Oliver asked then looked back to the kitchen.

"Sean's family, his Allergy, work, about... being jealous, Oliver I got pissed at him, I mean he flirts with me but will never be with me... I'll just say it's complicated," He said while he scrolled through his texts with Paul.

Oliver said, "Maybe he's not into you, you know-"

"Alpha Fucking Damnit," He shouted, when he reached Paul's question about missing him.

"Hey, I didn't mean any offense, it could be true you know," Oliver said.

"What? Oh, sorry I didn't hear you, I inadvertently texted Paul that I thought he's weird," He said he shifted from paw to paw.

"Wait how'd you do that," Oliver asked.

"Hey, can I use your bathroom," He said, he rushed in at Oliver's nod.

"Sean's sister was telling his mom about your date tonight and his mom was coming to stop him from going out with a cat." He said loudly to reach the hall as he got to the toilet.

Oliver said, "So how did that make Paul-"

"What do you mean moms coming here," Sean asked loudly outside the bathroom.

"Sean? How did you get in here," He asked.

Sean said something he couldn't hear mid-stream.

"What?" He yelled.

Sean opened the door, and yelled, "What do you mean moms coming here?"

"What the hell Sean, I'm pissing," He said while he shuffled to the right to block Oliver's view, but the mirror made that pointless as he splashed the floor.

Sorry about the shower mat, Oliver," He said.

Oliver turned around, then said trying not to laugh, "Don't worry about it."

"What do you mean moms on her way, what the hell Xander," Sean snapped.

"It wasn't me, Sharron called her," He said, he shivered then shook off.

"How did Sharron know anything," Sean asked.

"How did you get up here I was waiting at the front door for an hour," He asked.

"Don't avoid my question," Sean said.

"Could you wipe up your mess or give me that mat, you know, before ripping each other's throats out," Oliver asked.

He grabbed half of the mat then said, "Move Sean."

"Explain first," Sean said.

"How about you guys go to the living room it's a much better place for an argument," Oliver said.

"Sean stop being a dick," He said.

"No, what do you mean," Sean asked.

"I'll make some popcorn, anyone want a beer," Oliver asked blandly then walked away.

"You're always like this, you and Sharron, bossy as hell," He snapped.

Sean yelled, "You're a meddling nuisance, that's how I ended up at New-"

A horrible ear bursting unending shriek filled the apartment.

His ears popped and someone pounded on the apartment walls.

Oliver wandered back with three open beers and a small silver whistle to his smug lips.

"Ouch, please don't do that again," He said dizzily.

"Come to the living room and calm the fuck down," Oliver said, "didn't think that would work, it's a secret Santa gift from last Christmas."

"From who, a Dominatrix," Sean asked while working his jaw to pop his ears.

He glared at Sean, "that's your fault you know."

"Oh, bite me," Sean said.

Oliver raised an eyebrow and shook the whistle.

He wilted, "fine, thanks for the beer but I need to be going."

"No, you two need to talk, I'll call Paul," Oliver said and passed them each a beer.

"No I need to talk with Paul," He said, "I used all the time I had to chat with Sean waiting outside."

"First please explain about my mom." Sean said.

"I was texting Sharron and I said you had a date with Oliver, anyway I thought you were allergic," He asked.

"I am but I'm on this new allergy med," Sean said.

"Oh, well... cool," He said, he doesn't need me anymore, unable to look at Sean, "I... I came over to apologize in advance and for before, I sent angry messages while your phone was dead. I thought you were pushing me out of the contract and didn't know about your phone... Sorry, I don't want to be jealous of you and Oliver."

"I didn't mean to play with your heart," Sean said, "I flirted but it's you, I thought it's ok."

"Will you finally call and text me now," He asked.

"Sure, my phones doing its first start up and restore from the cloud," Sean said.

"Oh, ok cool, well have fun," He said, Why do I feel like crying? We're talking again, "I got to go."

"Give me a hug, I missed you," Sean said.

He reached up to embrace Sean, the smell of Cedar warmed him but in some areas, a bit more than others, he moved his arms from Sean's back signaling an end to the hug but Sean was happily nuzzling his forehead.

"Hey... HEY... get off me, you big oaf," He said while he put no weight behind his pushes.

"I promise not to flirt anymore," Sean said the words vibrating his smooshed muzzle.

"Oh... ok thanks," He said, he turned to the door trying to leave before they could smell his arousal or sadness, "well I got to go, I've Uhm, pissed off Paul and need to fix that."

There was a Carrot notification tone from the living room, then Sean ran off cheering.

Oliver came over with his phone pressed to his ear and asked him, "So why did you say Paul was totally weird for missing you?"

"I didn't, I was messaging Sean's sister, she was messaging me to Fast and Paul's question got barried, I was saying that yeah I'm totally coming," He said.

"Puss it was a miss communication, stop being neurotic that's my job," Oliver said.

"Puss?"

Oliver grinned at him, and said, "oh get over yourself nobody hates you," Oliver covered the phone, "so I'm supposed to tell you that Charming is forgiven if he brings Prince flowers."

"What, I'm just heading over, can I have the keys," He asked, Oliver passed them over.

"Puss, stop coming up with nicknames he's just looking at me confused," Oliver said.

"What the hell Xander. I wasn't stealing your job," Sean yelled from the living room.

"Hey Oliver text me or Paul, when he's gotten to the apologies," He said as he rushed the door.

"Fine, and the car's on B2," Oliver said, "yes I know he has a big cock..... Yeah I saw it."

He paused at the door wide eyed.

"No, I'm not jealous," Oliver said, then gave Xander a shooing gesture, "because I'm not, nor am I a power kitten."

As He closed the door behind him he faintly heard Oliver say, "I won't give it a try for Sean or have you share Xander with me."

He felt embarrassed, and confused, yet deeply relieved on the walk to Paul's car.

Chapter 31 Oliver PoV

Oliver walked back to the living room with an angry Paul shouting in his ear, "What the hell was that, I wasn't talking about sharing him and what was that other crap?"

"He was hovering, so I made him, and well I guess you, uncomfortable, win win, I was acting like you normally do," He said, then sat on the couch while Sean paced by the windows.

"I would never do or say that," Paul said.

"Oh, you would and you have," He said.

"Tell him you were pulling his chain," Paul said.

"Can't..." He said, and watched Sean pace and mutter making arguments for his mom not to come down.

"Why the hell not, that wasn't cool," Paul growled.

"Oh, he left and is on his way," He said then shifted his legs over the arm rest and laid on the couch.

"I'm going to kill you," Paul said.

"Oh, please you like the challenge and it's hard to be neurotic and pissed," He said Paul's mouth clicking shut.

"Well I'm going to kiss a wolf some more, bye," He said, he heard a disgruntled yowl when he ended the call.

Paul texted, "you're still a sheath rinse."

He let Paul have the last word. He had the urge to bat Sean as he paced passed the couch.

Sean said, "no if you come down I won't let you in.... no I don't care that it's a long drive.... this is about me not you." He held out a paw and mouthed sorry. He took it and felt its reassuring weight and squeezed it extending his claws enough to get Sean's attention back.

"Well that's my business... no, me not listening doesn't mean I don't love you mom... well now I'm hanging up love you." Sean said, he mock strangled his phone, then said, "You might want to date someone else, or you'll have crazy meddling in-laws."

He pulled Sean off balance towards him while he said, "isn't calling them in-laws hasty since this is the first night we've-ooph-" Sean accidentally landed on his diaphragm with his elbow on the way down.

"Sorry I'm not that dainty flower you always wanted," Sean teased.

"Dainty no but a flower I still can't say one way or another," He said then he shifted Sean more comfortably on top of him.

"What type of flower could I be," Sean asked. He could lean up and nuzzle him but he needed to change the topic so he could talk to Sean about his health.

"Fine if you can't say I'll name yours, it's Wolfsbane cause I'm allergic to you," Sean said.

"What, I'm not going to be your bane, that's awful," He said.

"Well you were because I was irresistibly drawn to you," Sean said with a lick for his cheek.

"Then you're a pussy willow, wait no that doesn't make sense. Ah... Thistle, you're a thistle, cause you're spike- no that doesn't work either," He said, damn what flower is strong but beautiful and sweet inside, "...you're a rose bud?"

Sean blinked at him a moment, "Having a hard time with that I see, just be glad you didn't stick with Pussy Willow or you would have been demoted to a DANDY lion," Sean said.

"You mean I'm resilient and have a broad range," He asked.

"No... Because you're... well... a gay cat, your version sounds better though. Why was flirting easier when we couldn't touch," Sean asked while he shifted to get up.

"I have you now, I don't want to flirt, I want to hold you, kiss you and show you how good it is to be with you," He said as he squeezed Sean back to him.

"That's more like it," Sean said.

"Oh, you mean you want to hear how I want to taste you again, feel the tickle of your whiskers along mine. To saturate myself in your scent till no one can smell me without meeting you," He said, which got Sean's tongue to loll out of his breathy smile.

"So, do you want to try it now or have that dinner," Sean asked.

"It? You mean have sex," He asked, he felt excited but grossed out by the idea.

"Yeah, I mean if you want of course," Sean said.

"I can't think about it... don't ask me, just seduce me or have me seduce you... thinking about it, well, it makes me soft," He said.

"Thinking sexy thoughts turns you off," Sean asked.

"Yeah, my upbringing," He said, "I feel dirty and gross when thinking about sex," why can't I be normal.

"Oh... I have the same issue with Canids," Sean said, "I have to just do, not think or it's gross, and with most there's just, nothing, even when kissing."

His vision blurred as he felt an intense hatred for what happened to them, but joy that he didn't feel alone anymore, "Sean I won't think about it if you don't."

"Oh, I'll think about it, I said canids you're the perfect exception, and the one I always wanted," Sean said then kissed him. He tensed then like a switch had flipped he melted against Sean, licking, play biting, and nuzzling, as his rhythmic purrs resonated through them both.

He felt Sean shift he whispered, "don't stop, I want you."

But Sean pulled away, and asked, "I know you have soup, but can I take you to Sushi?"

"Oh, we can, but thought you wanted to well you know," He said with a nod to their groins.

"I do, I really do, but I mean we have all night and, well, are you a top or bottom," Sean asked.

"I... well I don't know I haven't been a top or bottom to any since well you know," He said, a warm unhappiness filled his throat and he clenched his paws.

"I think I'm a top because I couldn't be with canids, or felines, and I wouldn't bottom for an equine," Sean said, "I've been torn up enough for a lifetime."

"Wow... we are so fucked up," He said.

"I know the cure," Sean said.

"Yeah, what's that?"

"Sushi, come on my treat," Sean said.

He laughed as they detangled themselves from each other, "you know if you keep telling me how much you always wanted someone like me I'll probably let you have me."

"If you keep holding me tight I'll let you have me first," Sean said then took his paw, "wait do you have a car? I parked at home then walked over."

"Yeah, we can take my car, or a Retriever," He said.

Sean got up, then He half cupped Sean's paw with his tail.

A shiver ran up his spine as a wagging Sean rubbed him.

He purred which got a stronger response, Sean trapped a wriggling piece of him then moved in to kiss him again. He kissed Sean back, kicking his legs, then moaned into Sean's maw as Sean brushed a ticklish but sensual patch of fur on the left side of his tail.

"I found your weakness," Sean smirked pulling back.

"I only have one, he's currently holding my tail," He murmured eyes half closed happily, I don't have to worry with Wolfy by my side.

"We should get dinner," Sean said but he kept rubbing the sensitive spot.

Light flashed in his vision as he jerked and shuttered under the sensation.

"Ok... let's... go," He gasped out.

"In a minute this is interesting," Sean said continuing on his tail.

He relaxed panting as Sean's paws moved past the sensitive bit.

"Oh, I guess I broke my new toy," Sean said, when He slumped back into the couch

"I don't know about it being broken, it's never been like that before. I mean I enjoy massaging my tail but it was never... shocking," He said, winded.

"Well I will play with it later," Sean said, helping him to his wobbly paws.

"Do you have any spots like that I'd love to return the favor," He asked adjusting himself so he could soften at his own pace.

"I think so Xander found a fun spot when we were wrestling once, it was right here... and just before..." Sean said gesturing to his belly with a distant expression that crept across his muzzle.

"What's wrong," He asked.

"It's nothing..." Sean said. His distant expression growing sad.

"It is, you can tell me," He said.

"It was the last time I remember being aroused by Xander, I wanted him to be my first and then he couldn't be anything... and I thought he moved on, I thought I moved on... I flirt with him, yet I can't get hard around him," Sean said.

"Wait so you were into canids once, what happened," He asked, "never mind dumb question."

"It's ok, I don't know if it was my rapist being a wolf or the aversion therapy, probably both, but it just doesn't respond to them, like at all, anymore," Sean said ears and tail drooping.

"Oh, I understand, I'm skittish around sex as a whole but don't think I could be with a rhino ever again," He said.

They walked to his car, It can't be good to have two broken hearts trying to put each other back together... Maybe Sean's just a mirror helping me see what's broken. The whole way to Shiro's he held Sean's paw, No matter what happened tonight it's enough to make me happy.

Chapter 32 Sean PoV

Sean laughed as Oliver made faces mirroring his own while Oliver failed at licking the wasabi on the left side of his nose.

"Just give me the napkin, I can't get it," He said.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have put it there," Oliver said.

"It burned a little that was definitely not planned," He said, his tail brushed Oliver's he imagined playing with Oliver's ticklish spot, then wiped Oliver's nose.

"So, you do feel ok right, no allergies," Oliver asked.

"Just a tickle in my throat, it's been there since I first kissed you but that's it," He said, then added, "it's not any worse, it's constant, but you're worth it."

"Ok, but it still makes me nervous," Oliver said.

"Well, I'll take the allergy meds again soon, and no worries," He said then took out his wallet to pay the bill.

A pink pill clicked onto the table as He got out his wallet. He grabbed it and put it back, then set the wallet on the table.

"That pill looks like the ones that I take," Oliver said, He looked at Oliver.

"What do you have medication for," He asked.

"It's for something I've had for a long time but I just recently had to start treatment for, but it's-" Oliver said then leaned back as the server came to their table.

After she left, He leaned in and asked, "What for, are you ok?" He clasped one of Oliver's paws he felt the racing pulse but Oliver wouldn't look at him.

"I can't say in public, let's go to the car," Oliver said.

He got up and headed over to the register, signed the bill there and nodded for Oliver to follow him. They huddled against the cold as they paced up the uneven street two blocks down and one to the left to Oliver's car. When they reached it, Oliver pressed his key in his paw, and said, "I can't drive right now."

He took the keys, from the shaking Oliver, "ok I'll drive, we'll get you warmed up."

They got in the car, it was weird being behind the wheel, he fumbled getting the key in the ignition. Oliver continued to shake as the car warmed but his teeth didn't chatter.

"Are you ok," He asked.

Oliver wouldn't look at him.

"Hey, I'm here," He said, "what is it."

"Promise you'll still talk to me," Oliver said.

"Yeah?... you're being kinda dramat-"

"Please promise I keep losing my nerve," Oliver said wide eyed.

He held out his paw, "I promise that I will keep talking to you."

Oliver took a deep breath and took his paw.

"Sean, I have FIV," Oliver said.

...

...

"Thanks for telling me, is there more," He asked.

"Isn't that enough," Oliver asked.

"Why would I see that as a problem," He asked.

"We kissed and I hadn't told you and it's a big deal," Oliver said still avoiding his eyes.

"I'm glad you told me, but it's not a problem," He said, "I'm a pure-bred wolf, I can't even be a carrier, and even if I could I know we would be safe and do right by each other."

"Really," Oliver asked tearfully.

"Yeah, why be all worried," He asked leaning over to kiss away the tears.

"Because... I lost my family, home, and church because of it," Oliver said, making a choking noise.

A boiling rage filled his paws and jaw with a ripping heat, "what do you mean you lost your family?"

"My Mom found out, they and the community shunned me, all I had was Paul and when he said he was moving up here I moved too," Oliver said.

"Because you're gay," He asked.

"No, you can be a celibate, it was the FIV," Oliver said, "being an unredeemable danger."

"Bastards."

He started the car and drove aggressively home.

He was so angry he couldn't speak the whole drive.

"Should we really go to your place, the allergens it might be smart to have a clean place," Oliver said after a long pause.

He parked, got out and opened the door for Oliver then took his paw.

"Sean, I mean, it's not a big deal I can't change it now," Oliver said as He charged them up the stairs and dragged Oliver behind him.

"Sean what's wrong," Oliver asked.

He said nothing too angry to speak. Oliver pulled to get his paw free but gained no purchase. He unlocked his door.

"Dude, you crushed the feeling out of my paw," Oliver said.

He slammed the door open and rounded on the larger tiger, startling him.

"Your family doesn't deserve you, I can't give them back to you, but here is my home it's yours now, we are family," He growled pinning the tiger against the wall with a deep kiss. He felt Oliver melt against him like he had on the couch.

He reached one arm behind Oliver's back as they continued to kiss, the other under his firm rear. He lifted Oliver who wrapped his arms around His neck and legs his waist. He kissed, sniffed and nuzzled Oliver with an urgency he had never known before. He carried Oliver as he rolled them off the wall towards the doorway and stumbled through. Bee lining for the bedroom. He set Oliver on the edge of the bed then leaned back to rip off his shirt. Oliver had torn his own off, drifting back on the bed.

He stalked forward.

Thetoilet flushed.

He pinned Oliver's paws above their heads, his playful growl chorused with Oliver's purrs. They pressed together kissed and panted as one. He used a paw to keep Oliver pin and the other undid his belt. They both strained to be free from their pants the fabric taut.

"Sean, what in the Alpha's name are you doing," Mom shrieked from the bedroom door.

Chapter 33 Xander PoV

Xander hugged Paul apprehensively, then asked, "Where are we sitting."

"Over here, I'm glad you came, did you see Sean," Paul asked then turned leading the way.

"Yeah, I did, everything's not one hundred percent, but we are getting there," He said while following Paul.

"So, you want to, err, are you trying to share me," He asked. Paul froze and He walked into the back of Paul.

"Sorry about that," He said.

"Like Timmy... I don't share anymore but maybe a trade," Paul said softly. He heard the false calm.

"Yeah right Paul, I can tell you're lying, why'd you say that to Oliver," He asked.

"I didn't, Oliver thought that would get you out of the apartment, so he could make out with Sean," Paul said, then sat in the booth. He propped himself on his elbows and rubbed his muzzle.

He sat across from Paul and reached out, He clasped both of Paul's paws and asked,

"What's wrong?"

"I... I feel like you're Sean's not mine. Oh history and family stuff," Paul said.

"I'm my own," He said.

"Yes, but I mean, you want Sean, if he wanted you, you'd jump for it," Paul said.

"You don't know that," He said.

"Don't I, Xander I know your love language is quality time and mine is acts of service, we work well but you love Sean and it scares me because I... we are spending so much time I'm falling for you fast," Paul said then bit his lower lip waiting for him to speak.

"Well, I didn't know you read those books too," He said, "I do love Sean, Paul that's not going to change or hasn't so far in my life, but I'm falling for you too, I think of you every day, I looked forward to seeing you when we planned the birthday. I'm happy you, well... hit on me."

"But if you had to choose, would you want me," Paul asked.

"I do want you," He said, "and I haven't had to choose and I don't know what I'd do, I don't think Sean would make me choose, are you going too?"

"No because you wouldn't pick me... would you pick me," Paul asked, "And you didn't get me flowers, did you?"

"I don't know what I would do," he said, "and I was too preoccupied about you wanting to share me with Oliver."

"But Oliver made that up," Paul said.

The vixen who was hosting before was on tables tonight and came over, "Hey Paul, Xander, I'll be waiting your table-"

"Full intros please we are keeping the professionalism even with friends and family," Paul said.

She glared at Paul while she tapped the ticket pad, the light red vulpine said in a faux perky valley girl tone, "fine... hello and welcome to Purrfection I'm Stacy, I'm so happy to serve you tonight."

"What will you have for a drink tonight," Stacy asked.

Paul said, "Oh nothing-"

"That's great the specials are the Cran-Bran Mojito, the caramel cream, and the Chai Thai Why Not Try," Stacy cut in fluttering her eyelids.

"Ooh the Cran-Bran, and the Chai Thai, what are in those," He asked.

"The Cran-Bran is a cranberry mojito with a blue berry or cherry brandy mixed in, the Chai Thai Why Not Try, is a Thai coffee with Chai Tea spiced Baileys creamer and a little rum," Stacy said still with the false perkiness while batting her eyes.

"Your professionalism is still a tad unprofessional," Paul muttered.

"I think I'll have them both," He said.

Stacy stuck her tongue out at Paul and left the table.

"I see you manage through fear and oppression," He said.

"Oh, please they love me and she'll get more tips the rest of her shift," Paul said.

"How's that," He asked.

"Well, there tables are all clustered together, so staying professional regardless of who is seated there, increases how their cluster sees them, as a good server," Paul said.

"Oh, kind of making a brand for themselves," He said then sipped his water.

"Yeah for the night," Paul said, "So two drinks?"

"Yep I didn't want to choose," He said.

"Figures," Paul said, "please only have one meal?"

"What if I can fit them both in," He asked.

Paul smirked.

"What did I say," He asked.

"Nothing... dogs," Paul said rolling his eyes then leaned forward and kissed him, "I missed you."

"When I wasn't busy I missed you, too," He said.

"Well that's something at least," Paul laughed.

"You asked me if everything with Sean's been going well, but you have been stressed about something," He said, "and what are you getting?"

"Oh, it's just something with Jill," Paul said, "I'm getting the Lance Bass."

"Wait you have a dish based on NSYNC, I never noticed that," He said then looked over the menu.

"Yeah, he ate here, we're a big deal," Paul said.

"I can't find it," He said.

"That was a joke we don't have a dish called the Lance Bass, and I doubt he has ever been here," Paul said.

"Oh, well that's a great name for a catfood dish," He said, "But I'll get the Salmon Croquettes."

"I'm getting the Bass it's caramelized with lemon garlic butter," Paul said.

"Oh yummy, I love butter," He said.

"Who doesn't," Paul said.

"So, what's going on with Jill that has you all freaked out," He asked but Stacy returned.

"Hey guys ready to order, here's the drinks and I forgot to check your ID cause you're so cute," She said winking at him.

"Flirting with your bosses boyfriend you are gutsy," He said fishing out his wallet.

"Boy, friend, Paul is gay," She asked in shock.

He felt cold all over, "Shit, I thought you already knew. I mean you sent me back for the last date."

She passed back his ID, "I'm just teasing you. What'll you have?"

"I'm getting the Bass, and he's having the croquettes," Paul said passing over the menus.

"They'll be coming fast, but hopefully not too fast," She said winking at him again.

After she was out of ear shot, He asked, "Is she always like that?"

"Foxes, they are the way they are... well and she likes playing games with me," Paul said.

"Why is that," He asked.

"Could be that she's a woman, a fox or that I'm her boss," Paul said with a shrug.

"Oh wow, these drinks are great," He said, sipping back and forth.

"Wow, you really don't like making up your mind, do you," Paul said.

"What do you mean? Is this about me, you, and Sean," He asked, then set both drinks down.

"Kinda, I made a joke before and you missed it, not as funny this attempt," Paul said, "You don't think I'm weird, do you?"

"Well, I do but that's why I like you, you've met Sean, I like him too and he is crazy," He said.

"Well I don't like you Xander I think... I feel more," Paul said.

He froze.

Thump thump thump.

"It's ok, if you're not there, but you are for me," Paul said.

Thump thump thump.

"How do you feel," Paul asked.

Thump thump thump.

"I don't know, I mean it is soon and... I don't know," He said.

Thump thump thump.

"Well your tail seems to like me," Paul said.

Thump thump thump.

"Oh... Look at that, I guess you're right," He said his tongue lolling out of the side of his mouth.

Chapter 34 Oliver PoV

Oliver rolled over the side of the bed to get away from the advancing alpha wolf when Sean got off him.

"What are you doing to my puppy," Sean's mom growled teeth bared.

"Mom, what the hell are you doing here, I told you not to come," Sean yelled, pillow over his not fully retreated erection. His perch on the floor let him peek over the side of the bed, his heart was in his ears.

"I had to come and a good thing I did, you stupid boy you're going to get yourself killed," She growled.

"Mom, I'm not going to have any allergies, well unmanageable ones," Sean said while obstructing the pathway, of her prepared leap.

"How can you know that," She asked.

"I'm taking a new, very new allergy med," Sean said.

Sean's mom looked confused for a second, He saw his opportunity he leaped over the bed and darted through the door. She rounded on him as he slipped past.

He grabbed his sensitive tail before she could. He slammed the bathroom door behind him and locked the door.

"Get out here you coward," She growled.

"The greatest victory is that which requires no battle," He said.

"What are you a communist?" She snapped.

"Mom can you calm down," Sean said.

"I'm not a communist but Sun Tzu was a role model to many young tigers," He said while he leaned against the door massaging his tail.

"Mom you're being ridiculously embarrassing," Sean said.

"I'm protecting you honey," Sean's mom said.

"I don't need protection, mom," Sean said.

"Everyone needs protection," she said.

"No, I, Don't, We're fine please leave," Sean said.

"Well, everyone really does need protection," He said, "from family, to society, for birth control, and for emotional development." Then there was a long silence outside the bathroom.

"What is he," She asked.

"An engineer," Sean said.

"Oh, Alpha, honey a pragmatic," Mrs. Miller said.

"Mom you're pretty pragmatic too," Sean said.

"Well, I'm betting he's an atheist too, and pulling you from the faith," she said.

"I'm a Primes witness, well sorta," He said.

"Oh, a cult so much better," she said.

"No more a cult then the pack," He snapped.

Both Sean and his mom yelled, "HEY."

"Don't mock my culture and I won't mock yours," He said.

"I see your point," Sean said.

"Of course you do," she said.

"What does that mean," Sean asked.

"Oh nothing, well I've calmed down, you can come out now, whoever you are," she said.

"Since we are quoting generals, it's a trap take evasive action," Sean said.

"Honey, I was just startled, I mean the impropriety of what I saw," she said.

"In my house which we thought we were alone in," Sean said.

He listened to them walking around and moving chairs in the other room. Would things be different if I was dating a cat, probably but this is fun in its own way... Prime, I'm a relationship adrenaline junkie, wonder if that's why I didn't want to date Paul because he's too normal... mostly normal.

He heard Sean and his mom whispering, all he made out was, "fine fine I'll behave."

"What's your name? You can come out now," she said.

"Mom I told you his name," Sean said.

"Did you, hummmm," she said.

"Please come out," Sean said.

"See cats are skittish and unreliable," she said.

"Mom that's offensive," Sean said.

He unlocked the door and peeked out.

The now composed alpha wolf shook her head in disgust from the kitchen table.

"I'm Stephanie Miller, Sean's mother, it's a... something to meet you," Mrs. Miller said.

"I'm Oliver Cunningham, despite everything it is a pleasure to meet you," He said.

Mrs. Miller snorted, "Well at least he has manners."

"That's more than I can say for you, you were going to attack him," Sean said.

He hadn't realized how small Sean was for a wolf till he saw him sitting next to his mom.

"I was just going to run him off," Mrs. Miller said.

"Half naked," Sean asked.

He realized he was still shirtless and slipped into the bedroom.

"Not my fault you two chose to under dress while I was here," Mrs. Miller said.

He slipped his shirt back on and checked his fly.

"I assume that was your first time seeing your son in an intimate situation," He asked then walked to the kitchen.

Mrs. Miller raised a lip, "yes and no."

"Mom, really," Sean asked.

"Well the way you and Xander 'wrestled' was a strong hint where you were leaning," She said giving wrestled air quotes.

"So, you knew before that Friday," Sean asked.

"I hoped to be wrong but yes, your dad needed the computer to figure it out," Mrs. Miller said.

Sean smelt angry, so He changed the subject, "So you weren't aware Sean's on an allergy medicine then?"

"No I didn't," She said.

"Oh, I need to take it," Sean said feeling his pockets. Then he grabbed his coat from the floor, "Crap I think I left my wallet at the restaurant, there's just my debit card."

You have more, should I leave," He asked.

"Wait there, I'll be right back, don't fight," Sean said then went back to the bedroom.

"So, you are seeing my son," Mrs. Miller asked, "even though he's allergic."

"Well I was trying to just be friends but he's a bit persistent," He said rubbing the back of his head.

She shrugged then said, "That's my Sean, just like his dad, what he lacked in size growing up he made up for in sheer determination."

"Gross mom," Sean said from the bedroom.

"You're as crude as ever," Mrs. Miller said.

"Well his determination shows now," he said, "he just wants to make the world a good place for everyone, he's like my friend Paul very self-sacrificing."

"Sean get out here I can see you listening," Mrs. Miller snapped.

Sean left the bedroom an orange pill bottle in paw, and a goofy grin.

"He eavesdrops..." She said, then loudly to Sean added "which is rude."

"Mom please don't hate Oliver I really like him," Sean said joining the table.

"I may be old fashioned and conservative but I'm not blind, I could see how you felt all over the bed," Mrs. Miller said, "thankfully Karl wasn't here."

"Yeah dad would have flipped," Sean said.

"And she didn't," He asked.

"No, she just thought I was committing suicide tiger style," Sean said.

"Leave the catchy phrases to Xander honey," Mrs. Miller said.

"So, Samantha didn't tell you I'm a full participant of the trial now," Sean asked.

"No, and if she had, I still might not have believed you, I should message Sharron. She's all worried." Mrs. Miller said.

"Does everyone know we are on a date right now," He asked self-consciously.

"Dad doesn't know, does he?" Sean cut in.

"No, he doesn't, but if you boys really want everyone to know, Sean can ask that new reporter friend and she can do a story," Mrs. Miller said.

"Maybe then your sisters will get my name right," He said.

"She's not a friend but we are working on a new story and marketing piece for city hall together," Sean said, "and I think they saved your name wrong in their phones."

"Well accidents happen," He said.

"It's no accident, they want Sean to date Xander. So, it's a passive aggressive thing they've done since, Sean and Xander came out," Mrs. Miller said.

"What, this is what I was telling Xander about, everyone is meddling and telling me how to live," Sean said.

"At least you have them, my mom would never drive over here to protect me," He said.

Mrs. Miller gave him a sad look, "I'm sorry to hear that, if you stick around long enough, a-hem-Xander, you'll become just like family."

"Well, please don't attack me and I just might," He said.

"I knew you too would get along," Sean said.

"Well he is nice, but I never understood, why did you and Xander never date, I know Xander wanted too," Mrs. Miller asked.

Sean got some water and took two pills, then set the bottle with half a label on the counter.

"I don't want to talk about it and I was sort of in the middle of a date," Sean said.

"But I drove all the way here," Mrs. Miller said, "And I doubt you two would just move on with things now."

Sean had a coy smirk directed at him.

"Boys are such perverts," Mrs. Miller said, "Mr. Cunningham, what are your intentions toward my son?"

"Mom, I'm not seventeen and he isn't even Pack," Sean groaned.

"Well I want him to be the first I commit myself to loving, from there it's seeing if we could grow together and marry," He said, "But please call me Oliver."

"Marriage focused dating that's good, I'll call you Oliver when I'm ok with you calling me Stephanie," Mrs. Miller said.

"You're going to do this no matter what I say aren't you," Sean snapped.

Mrs. Miller continued happily, "Do you frequently sleep around?"

"No ma'am, I was raised that you should marry and cherish someone before you sleep with them," He said.

"Mrs. Miller is fine and that's very old fashioned," Mrs. Miller said.

"It's how I was raised, and sorry Ma'am, if I'm Mr. Cunningham you're ma'am to me," He said with a stoic expression.

Mrs. Miller harrumphed, "Well I guess you can't out catty a cat. So, do you want pups?"

"Mom, you're so embarrassing," Sean said stalking back to his bedroom slamming the door behind him.

"Kittens or Pups, Sean would make a great dad," He said.

"Maybe," Mrs. Miller said looking at the bedroom, "So why is a nice young man like you single?"

"Well I'm technically not... I was on a date tonight... with Sean, but I think you already knew that," He said.

"Yes, but why aren't you mated to someone," Mrs. Miller asked.

"Ok Mom, I love you, hugs, kisses, but time to go home," Sean said bursting from the bedroom.

"But Oliver and I were having a nice chat," Stephanie said demurely.

"Yes, Sean we are, so Stephanie how did you and Sean's father meet," He asked.

"Oh Alpha, I'm attracted to the cat form of my mom," Sean said sulking to the couch.

He and Stephanie shared a bemused eyebrow raise, which resulted in Sean burying his muzzle in the cushions.

"It was in college, I developed an alcohol problem and Karl was there for me and we fell in love," Stephanie said then she asked, "How did you and Sean meet?"

"We were dancing, I was bare pawing it, he dropped his glass and I cut my paw," He said, "It sounds like you met Karl before the whole him helping you thing."

"Oh, yeah he was a sophomore and did my freshmen orientation, then offered me a private tour of the campus, I wasn't in the pack then and kept waiting for him to hit on me, but he didn't, he just wanted to get to know me, it was refreshing," Stephanie said.

"That's how it was for me with Sean, he was so easy to talk to and I felt comfortable sharing things I never shared before," He said. Sean was peeking out from under his cushion, tail wagging less than subtly.

"What did you two talk about," Stephanie asked.

"Past issues that we have been trying to work through, but you should ask Sean about that," He said.

"Like what," Stephanie asked turning to Sean as the front door opened.

Chapter 35 Xander PoV

"Thanks Paul, again for dinner, I need to cook for you, or something," Xander said parking Paul's car by Sean's place.

"It's ok, I'm happy that I can provide good food," Paul said.

He nudged Paul's shoulder with his, "you're acts of servicing all over me, I want to do something for you."

"Fine tell me about your childhood," Paul said.

"Oh, you want to hear about it," He asked.

"Yeah, I want to know you," Paul said.

"Great, I was planning on picking up my photo albums, it makes the stories so much better," He said.

"Well your place is only forty minutes from here," Paul said.

"Uhm, it's at Sean's, I kind of live with him," He said, "I didn't realize how codependent I was till a week ago-ish."

"Oh... well, let's go get it," Paul said, coming up from his phone looking around.

"Yeah you want too," He asked getting out of the car.

"Well you want to share it and I want to know you," Paul said.

"Ok you'll be the first to see it," He said taking Paul's paw as he got out of the car.

"Then you definitely have to show me," Paul said nuzzling into the crook of his shoulder.

He got a text from Sharron, "sorry is it ok, if I check this," He asked, holding Paul as they walked up the entry way.

"Yeah, it's fine, I want to gossip about our date with Jill," Paul said pulling out his phone.

Sharron's message read, "So did my mom find Sean?"

He replied, "I don't know, I've been on a date."

She texted back right away, "she stopped at Sean's place to use the bathroom, before she was going to head over to Oliver's and I haven't heard from her since."

"Well I'm just outside Sean's, I'll let you know if I see her," He texted.

He glanced over at Paul's phone and read.

Jill texted, "that's so cute you have to tell me about the stories!!!"

Paul texted, "I think I'll tell him while he's showing me the album."

Jill texted, "that's perfect!! Well we're still only at a 73% probability of success."

Paul texted, "squeak-3PO, never tell me the odds, and that's pretty high."

Jill texted, "it still makes me ner-"

"Stop reading my texts just because you're taller than me," Paul said elbowing his diaphragm gently.

"Sorry, so you have something you want to tell me," He asked.

Paul narrowed his eyes, "not anymore."

"Yeah you do, all I read was it's something that has a 73% chance of happening," He said leading them up the stairs.

"It is a secret, well sort of Oliver knows, but he met Jill a month ago, so couldn't really hide it." Paul said.

"What is it, is it the thing you've been all nervous about telling me," He asked.

"Yeah, it's very personal," Paul said but didn't say more.

"So, did you hear that Sean's on an allergy med, I guess he and Oliver are finally getting their chance," He said, the chance I'll never get.

Paul wilted under his arm a little.

"What's wrong," He asked.

"Oh, it's silly, I had a crush on Oliver, and I know you do for Sean... and now there together, that just feels weird," Paul said.

"Yeah, I always thought we might... or he'd come around and want me again like he did in high school, but I guess things change," He said pulling out the key to Sean's door.

He opened the door and startled seeing Momma Miller in full alpha mode. Sean, and Oliver inside there too.

"Xander what's up, looks like moms getting to vet both of our dates," Sean said from under a couch cushion.

"We can come back later," He said trying to shut the door but Paul stepped inside.

"Hello ma'am, you're Sean's mom right, I'm Paul," Paul said.

"Yes, I'm Stephanie Miller Sean's mom and practically a second mother to Xander," Momma Miller said, "Get inside here Xander no running off."

He sighed unable to ditch Paul because that would be more awkward then this was going to be, at least he hoped.

"Paul come have a seat," Oliver said pulling out a kitchen table chair.

He slunk to the couch, "Shove over, Sean."

Sean sat up ears down, but he was smiling.

"What has you so happy," He asked.

"Misery loves company, so why were you coming over," Sean asked, while Momma Miller asked Paul his intentions towards Baby him.

"I wanted to show Paul the photo albums," He said, "Your sister said Momma Miller might be here but I didn't expect full charge alpha mode."

"It's mom what do you expect, the Albums are on the bookshelf where you left your soda last time you were here," Sean said.

He watched the cats and Momma Miller at the table, then asked, "Woah Sean, Oliver and your mom carry themselves the same, Sean did you notice that?"

"Yeah dude, thanks, I noticed," Sean said unhappily.

"There's nothing wrong with that is there," He asked.

"No... I guess... Well yes actually he's pragmatic too, I don't know how I didn't see it before, I can't date my mom in cat form," Sean said.

"Oh, so you want to be a father soon that's wonderful, Xander's very nurturing," Momma Miller said behind them.

"I should probably let your sister know that your moms here," He said.

"The meddlesome bitches," Sean muttered.

"Sean Richard Miller watch your language," Momma Miller snapped then continued her chat with Oliver and Paul as if she hadn't been interrupted.

"Sean our first time going on an unplanned double date sure sucks," He said.

"Yeah her being here has me feeling all nauseous," Sean said.

"Should we be sitting with them," He asked.

"No, remember junior prom," Sean said.

"Yeah that was just bad," he said, "probably would have gone faster if we had just gone together."

"I know Sharron was pissed that you went with someone else," Sean said.

"It worked out she got her powerful door mat just like she always wanted," He said.

"Zach's nice but yeah a total door mat, it's a good thing he likes her, he couldn't escape if he didn't," Sean said.

The silence from the kitchen tied his stomach in knots.

"Sean turn around and tell me what's going on," He asked.

"Not a chance dude, mom caught me groping and making out with Oliver in bed, I'm not going to chance it," Sean said.

The icy paw of death herself gripped their shoulders, Momma Miller said, "Come join us in the kitchen, it's your turn."

"Sean, you go first," He said, "Momma Miller let's do coffee, Paul and I want to go through the photo albums."

"Oh, the albums, yes let's look at them, bring them over," Momma Miller said.

"But mom we were both on dates," Sean whined.

"What I saw was pre-pre-marital relations, so stop sulking and come to the table.

He and Sean carried over the four albums and glared at the catty smirks that Oliver and Paul greeted them with.

"Your moms really nice Sean," Oliver said.

"Yeah, she reminds me of my mom, just taller and not feline," Paul said.

He and Sean shared a dubious look.

Sean whispered, "They're brain washed already, I told you mom's a dark lord of the Sith."

He laughed.

"What was that," Momma Miller asked.

"Oh, just said your very persuasive, mom."

Oliver got a chair for them. Then returned to his seat across from Momma Miller. He and Sean's chairs sat across from Paul.

Sean grimaced as he sat.

"Are you ok," Oliver asked.

"Yeah just a stomach cramp."

"That's a clear sign of a guilty conscience," he said, "he should definitely go first."

Sean pinched his thigh making him yelp.

"No, you're the guest here you go first," Sean growled.

"Boys, will I have to separate you two," Momma Miller said.

"They seem to be regressing around her," Oliver whispered less than subtly to Paul.

"I wanted to know about his childhood, but this is a bit excessive," Paul whispered to Oliver.

"Boys these nice young men seem to have good intentions toward you, despite being a tad promiscuous," Momma Miller said looking at Paul who threw his ears back avoiding his eyes, making Him sink in his seat.

After letting Paul and Him wallow in discomfort, Momma Miller asked, "Sean I need a few things cleared up, why are you dead set on dating Oliver when you and Xander are both in love with each other?"

Chapter 36 Sean PoV

"Mom, I'm not in love love with Xander," Sean yelped.

"Honey, I can see how you feel, decades of marriage counseling in the pack gives me a great eye for it," Mom said.

"Well you may see things but you don't know what they mean," He said, feeling sicker.

"I wouldn't feel threatened by you if I didn't think you cared about Xander," Paul said.

"Maybe this isn't the best time for this discussion," Oliver said.

"No, I want to know, what happened Sean," Xander asked.

Flashes of terrible cold shot up his right arm when he looked at Xander.

"I... I can't say," He said not wanting to tell his mom what happened.

"Honey I don't understand why you have been so fixated on cats I know you liked them as a pup but you grew out of it. Why did it come back," Mom asked, He felt heat boiling through him but he didn't want to lose his temper.

"I can't be with Xander because I don't want to hurt him, leave it at that," He said through gritted teeth.

Xander said, "But I don't understand what that-"

"Oh, look mom, it's Xander's turn," He cut in.

"Hey are you ok," Oliver asked.

"I'm fine," He muttered.

"Honey, you're doing yourself and these two boys a disservice if you can't be honest," Mom said, "Plus you're allergic."

He held his stomach and burped.

"No, you're not ok," Paul said.

"I think some of the sushi must have been bad," He said, "And mom you don't want me to be honest. I tried in the car after the camp... which didn't work so thanks for that hellish experience."

"I'm sorry I didn't want to send you but I also didn't know what to do," Mom said.

"Hey, let's talk about something else," Xander said looking as worried about the topic as Oliver was.

"What do you mean," Paul asked.

"My parents sent me to a Howl-Away-the-Gay camp," He snapped.

"Oh," Paul said shifting away from mom.

"Honey, you were using sites that could have put you at risk, you hit Xander, you were lying and pretended to be sick, and a week before that man called. What were we to do," Mom asked her overbearing manner exhaled like a summer breeze.

"What man called the house," He asked.

"Whoever it was you were talking to online... the obscene things he said on the answering machine... well I deleted them, but your father still had the internet logs," Mom said.

"What someone called?... Well you know if your Pack friends didn't watch me at the library all the time and dad didn't have the computer so locked down tight. I might have been able to learn about the gay community in safety and not reach out to opportunistic adults," He said, trying not to vomit.

"Xander can we leave this is kinda, uncomfortable," Paul asked.

"Sean, you don't have to do this now," Xander said, "Paul please can we wait a bit."

"Honey you smell off are you ok," Mom asked.

"No mom... I'm not ok, I am tired and I can't be what you want and I can't be who I want anymore," He said in a low growl. He held his stomach and rested his muzzle on the cool table, it felt so good.

"Sean, she didn't know, remember we are going to get counseling, now isn't the best time," Oliver said.

"It's making me sick not too, Oliver," He moaned tears settling on his lashes, "Mom I can't be with Xander because I was raped," He said.

The room fell silent but for a ticking analog clock in the bedroom.

Mom stared for a moment startled, "Honey I thought as much, I cleaned your room after you were... after you went to camp, I found the clothes and the scents."

He sobbed, "You've known all these years."

"Why can't you be with me? I don't understand," Xander asked, "Sean tell me."

He couldn't speak.

"He can't because of the aversion therapy, and something else," Oliver said, "Sean you look sick."

"No, I'm fine, I'm just dizzy need to breathe," He said.

"Aversion therapy? I thought it was just a training camp on how to deal with temptation," Mom said angrily.

"It was that and more," He slurred, "The rape broke something now I do bad things."

"Sean what do you mean," Xander asked.

"I think you need to lie down Sean, I ate the same fish as you, if you're feeling sick I don't think it was the food," Oliver said.

The ice was in his veins, cold shivers at the back of his neck battled with the heat in his head and stomach.

"Now to get off I have to hurt them," He slurred sitting up.

"Hurt them honey, Oliver's right let's get you to lie down," Mom said.

"I won't hurt Xander so it won't work anymore, it only works if I hurt canid's and that's bad," He said trying to stand but slumping back into the chair.

"Xander please take him to the Doctor the way he is looking at me is scaring me," Paul said, "And I want to go home."

"Water," He cried getting up, everyone stood as he stumbled to the sink. Then he veered to the right and wrapped Paul in his arms.

Paul yowled in terror as He lifted Paul bodily off the floor in a tight hug, He slurred, "Forgive me pretty kitty, I didn't mean too."

"Then put me down," Paul growled squirming to get free.

He sobbed, "I won't do it again, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."

"I'm calling Sam, this isn't normal," Mom said.

"Sean, put him down," Oliver said.

But He stood there holding Paul and crying, he gasped out, "Can you ever forgive me?"

Paul looked terrified, "Sure... I mean, yeah Sean, yeah... I forgive you."

He sobbed once more then licked the top of Paul's head saying, "Thank you, you don't know how much that means to me."

Paul looked relieved when he set him down. He wobbled on his paws, before anyone could move to him, he rounded on the sink and vomited. His vision tunneled as he lost his footing falling to the cold floor, the wonderfully cold floor.

He heard and felt movement around him but it was vague and distant as lights danced in his eyes.

"Oh, Alpha Sean," Xander cried.

"I'm calling an ambulance," Oliver said.

"What the hell was that," Paul said.

"Honey, Sean just collapsed," Mom said, "he started acting weird a while ago and then it got worse, he-he just collapsed."

Then he lay in the cold of a grey haze no sound or movement.

Chapter 37 Oliver PoV

Oliver stood in the waiting area of Swedish Medical with Paul, Xander, Sean's friend Neal, and the Millers. Pence said when he came in, "he's still unconscious but they're bringing him to the room, they had to do a blood transfusion, pump his stomach and flushed his digestive track, it seems he had toxic levels of a drug not meant for his metabolism, and we believe there was an interaction with the drug Samantha told the doctors about, I can't say more but I didn't want you all to have to wait for the doctor."

Mrs. Miller gave Pence a big hug.

"Thank you, will we be able to wait with him," She asked.

"Visiting hours aren't over, so yes, if you need things for the night, I'll call Ken, he should be finishing up work soon then coming over," Pence said, "I'll go see if the rooms ready."

He felt no relief at Pence's words, Sean nearly died because of you.

Paul hugged Xander tight but watched him closely.

Paul whispered something to Xander who nodded and then they joined him in his corner.

"Are you ok," Paul asked reaching out to grab his paw.

He turned away making his pocket rattle with his shame, "No... No I'm not, Paul, I was a coward and now Sean's here, he could have died, he still might."

He fought back tears that had been on the edge of brimming over, since he found his meds bottle with the tattered label on Sean's counter.

"Boots what do you mean," Paul asked.

He covertly took the bottle out of his pocket, "I told the doctor but Sean took my meds, I must have grabbed his bottle when he showered at my place, I'm such an idiot."

"Your meds," Xander asked.

"I have a health problem let's just leave it at that for now," He said, "I wasn't ready to tell Sean and I thought he'd find them and know what it was for."

"You didn't mean for this to happen," Paul whispered.

"What's your health problem," Xander asked.

"Later Xander, Oliver you seemed to know a little about what Sean was talking about, do you know what all that was, he sounded... crazy," Paul asked.

"Err... yeah I do," he said, "he kinda developed a rape and pain fetish after he was you know, he's in control of the situation when he thinks like that and I don't know for sure, but I think he had Paul, in a fantasy, well he said he wouldn't think of Xander or me that way."

"He always used to tell me that he didn't like pups or kits but never explained why," Xander said.

"Well that explains why he smelled sad and afraid around me all the time," Paul said, "I mean I don't want to be in his dark fantasies but it seems like it was eating him up inside."

"Wait what was that canids stuff, he said it doesn't work," Xander asked.

"Well, he said that it was being raped by a wolf and aversion therapy but he can't get hard from canids," He said.

"Oh, yeah Tanner, he hit on Sean and Said it was like Sean didn't even notice," Paul said.

"But he was always flirting with me and being naked with me, he even said he wanted to see if my arousal for him would ever go away," Xander said, "Fuck this is my fault. If I hadn't told his mom none of this would have happened."

"You didn't know, hell, remember a guy called his house, you can't blame yourself," Paul said.

Pence came back into the waiting room, "we have him in an observation room, because of his allergy felines have to wait outside, and those who interacted with felines need to wash your muzzles and wear an allergen suit."

"A what," Neal asked.

"It's basically a sterile onesie," Pence said, "but you'd have to where a canid one Neal we don't have otter ones your size."

"Of course not," Neal said sighing, as everyone slowly filed their way behind Pence.

Xander held Paul and him back for a second, "I want to thank you both real quick, Oliver, Sean has opened up and it's because of you, he'll pull through and he'll be better off because of you, and Paul-"

He pounced on Xander giving him a big hug, "thank you for saying that."

"Paul help," Xander gasped.

"He's a words of affirmation guy, shouldn't have complimented him, he's your problem now," Paul said.

He purred and cried all at once unable to stop.

"There... there. Paul," Xander gasped, his back popped.

He felt a single sharp stab in his butt which made him jump and release Xander.

Paul examined his claw and wiped excess friend off of it.

"What was that for," He growled rubbing his ass.

"Stop killing my boyfriend with hugs, I just got him and I'm not done with him yet," Paul said primly.

"Now, I'm going to have to wear one of those onesie's," Xander said then he popped his back again.

"Xander you are important to Sean so you're important to me," He said holding his paws.

"That's great, 'now we can all be friends,' ... hurry up," Paul said from the door, "onesie's await."

"They should call them sterile jumpsuits, onesie is a horrible branding name," Xander said following Paul.

He pointed to the drinking fountain and they went on without him. He prayed, "Prime was this a punishment or was it meant to be?"

He popped the bottles top and looked at the pink pill meant to give him life, The pain is it worth it? Prime, do I deserve to live? If Sean stays for me I'll stay for him.

He took the pill and lapped at the water.

He got a tad lost finding everyone again, but when he saw a wet and rather unhappy Xander in a hospital gown, he was relieved.

"Stay back Momma Miller made me use a hospital shower and that Tabby nurse was too scared of her to say no," Xander snapped as He walked up.

"Why are you still wet," He asked.

"There out of towels, or the Tabby is a sadist," Xander grumbled.

Emily the Tabby he met visiting Sean, cowered under Mrs. Millers glare.

"What's the problem," He asked.

"Doctor Kelner is having a conference call with, Sam, and Doctor Hanson," Xander said, "Pence is hiding in the room with the doctor."

"Hmm, not the best choice she'll know he hid," He said, "where did Paul go?"

"He is getting me a towel and you food, said something about your meds needing it," Xander said.

"Oh, yeah I had a crazy dream the last time I took them on an empty stomach," He said, "Well it was also the first time I took them."

"Your sick day," Xander asked shivering.

"Yeah it was," He said.

"When will you be better," Xander asked.

"Not one of those things you get better from," He said.

"Kinda like Sean's allergy," Xander asked.

"Yeah, something like that," He said.

"Oh well, I'm glad Sean got meds," Xander said, "he seems more like he was, when we were kids before everything, and it's because of you getting him to open- no more hugs."

He stopped his advance on Xander, "Thank you. But it's not just me."

"Yeah?"

"Xander I wish you could be with Sean too, he loves you and I wish he could love you the way you deserve it," He said.

Xander asked, "Why would you want me to take Sean from you?"

"He isn't mine and I care for him enough that I want him to be happy," He said, watching the huddle outside the room.

"I don't understand that," Xander said.

"You see them, they could all be doing other things but they want to be here even though they can't really do anything for Sean, only the doctors can," He said, "You and I are Sean's doctors, he is still broken and he needs you just as much as me. When you got, angry and left, it was like his life fell apart."

"I... I think your right, but are you always so... philosophical," Xander asked.

"No, I'm getting loopy from my meds," He said, "Sorry."

"What are they for," Xander asked.

He warred inside for a bit, then said "I got FIV in my first and only penetrative sexual experience."

Xander stepped back, He looks just like my friends did before they left early.

Xander dropped his ears, "Sorry, I'm part lion, I just wasn't expecting that, are you ok?"

He felt a catch in his throat, "No, I'm not, it's a scar that never seems to go away."

A soggy arm wrapped around him, soaking into is shirt. He pictured his three angels and sighed in relief, "I was lucky to cut my foot on that glass, and meet you two."

"Xander, now you need to shower again," Mrs. Miller scolded across the hall.

Xander tensed against him, then said "Sean and I were lucky too, see you in a minute.

Xander trudged his way back through his own puddles to a nearby room.

He waited wondering what was taking the doctors so long.

He heard steps coming up behind him and moved to the edge of the hallway.

"Why are you wet," Paul asked behind him.

"Xander got me all wet," He said smelling a sausage sandwich.

"Yeah, he has that effect on me too," Paul said, "Where is he?" A nurse with a bundle of towels stood pretending she hadn't heard or understood the innuendos.

"He's showering again back in the room you can follow the puddles," He said.

"I told him about my health and he gave me a hug."

"That explains Mrs. Miller's glares," Paul said the nurse wandered to the room Xander was in.

There was a knocking at the door behind them.

"So Xander took my health well, not as good as you but pretty good," He said.

"Yeah, he's a good guy," Paul said.

"So, he's part lion..." He said.

"I know that's why he smells so interesting for a dog," Paul said, "And he kinda has that mane, he wanted to get it trimmed but I asked him not too."

"Yeah, he does smell good," he said, "but so does Sean."

Paul said, "Well you do-"

"Aaaaaaaah," Xander yelled.

"So, sorry sir, you said Hello and I assumed, excuse me," The nurse with the towels dropped them and darted down the hallway.

Everyone in the hall looked at the door where Xander was peeking out, he snatched the towels scattered on the floor and slammed the door a click of the lock was distinctive in the following silence.

Mrs. Miller sighed, "That boy."

He and Paul walked over and knocked at the door.

"Go away the rooms occupied," Xander snapped.

"Hey, why did you invite that nice Stoat in," Paul asked, "If you needed a helping paw Oliver's already damp for you."

"I didn't... go away," Xander growled.

"Oh, come on I know you didn't mean to scare her but you are kinda big and intimidating," Paul said happily checking his claws.

"I didn't invite her in, she knocked and I said hello, there isn't a curtain or anything," Xander said.

"And you didn't lock the door," He asked.

"Apparently not," Xander said.

Neal came over, "The doctors are letting us in now."

"I'll be right out," Xander said then there was a clatter, "Stupid tongue depressors."

"I see why you like him, he's very interesting," He said to Paul their tails darting into eachother.

"Neal, are you still there," Xander asked.

"Yeah what's up?"

"Make them get away from the door," Xander said.

"Huh, Xander just come out," Neal said.

"No, they have that 'I found a new toy' tone, make them go away," Xander said.

He shared a look with Paul, "He understands cats?"

"I know I think it's the part cat thing or being raised by wolves he's very cross-cultural," Paul said.

"And I'm not deaf, go away," Xander said.

"Fine," He said stepping across the hall and opening the sandwich container. Paul followed.

"It safe, you cowardly dog," Neal said then headed to Sean's room.

Xander poked his head out the door.

"You know you should play it cool like Sean then we wouldn't react," He said.

Paul nudged him, "Hey stop trying to make him boring."

Xander left the room in a new hospital gown.

He and Paul followed, He couldn't help but notice Xander's ass as his swishing tail fanned the gown open.

"Nice isn't it," Paul said.

"It definitely is, I can tell he does squats," He said.

Xander tucked his tail and bunched up the fabric behind him, growling something he couldn't make out.

When they entered the observation room, they saw Sean still unconscious, the need for the hospital and whose fault brought them there, again couldn't be ignored.

Doctor Kelner was speaking, "we'll have to worry if he doesn't wake tomorrow."

The guilt and self-hatred returned at the sight of Sean, he leaned against the wall and everyone except for him, Paul and the Tabby Nurse filed in.

"It will be ok," Paul said taking his paw, "It'll be ok."

Chapter 38 Xander PoV

When his turn came around all Xander wanted to do was give Sean a hug. He avoided the I.V. needle in Sean's shaved right elbow and the tubes for the breath mask, by leaning over Sean's left side.

He said, "I'm sorry for everything that happened, I forgive you that you couldn't keep your promise, please just please get better."

He lay his head-on Sean's bare chest till there was a loud, womp womp womp, on the window behind him. Everyone was looking away embarrassed, but for a glaring Papa Miller who is pointing down. A shiver ran up his spine.

"Damnit Sean, I'm never going to live this down, if you were awake you'd make it better somehow," He said clumping up the hospital gown.

Making sure he was covered this time, He licked the side of Sean's muzzle.

Sean stirred sniffing the air but still did not awaken.

Then to his horror he saw a tent forming in the blanket near Sean's crotch.

He ran to the window closing the blinds and locked the door.

There was a knock at the door, Papa Miller asked, "Xander what are you doing?"

"Its private," He blurted.

"Let me in there," Papa Miller snapped.

"Fine but just you," He said.

He opened the door and let Papa Miller in, Papa Miller asked, "What's so embarrassing, I know how you feel for Sean, I understand if you... Oh."

"It wasn't me," He said uncomfortably.

"Obviously, I'll take everyone to dinner, text me when he's settled down so to speak," Papa Miller said then left the naked and half aroused Sean alone with him.

He locked the door, Halitosis, vinegar, sirens, but like a magnet his eyes kept moving back to Sean's tented blanket. He felt himself get hard and tent his own gown.

"No, you idiot they could smell it, so could Paul," He said to himself, Well maybe just a peek wouldn't hurt, I mean Sean's naked around me all the time.

He moved back to the bed, when he felt the blankets hem, No one will know just do it.

Womp womp womp, "hey Xander are you still in there," Oliver asked through the intercom.

He yelped practically jumping out of his skin, "yeah, I'm here he called back."

"Open the blinds Xander, what are you hiding," Paul asked.

"Its personal and I don't think I should," He said.

"No one else is here," Oliver said.

"Fine but don't laugh," He said.

"I won't but can't make any promises for Paul," Oliver said.

He debated hoping he might settle but things didn't so he opened the curtains.

Oliver and Paul stared for a moment.

"So, they all left, the both of you, in that state," Paul asked.

"They really must want them to be together," Oliver said.

"No, he just got hard and his dad made everyone leave," He said.

"So why are you hard," Paul asked.

"I don't know, and of all the damn times, would one of you get my clothes," He asked.

"I kinda like you like that. Oliver let's just watch it's like a fish tank," Paul said.

"So, he's a show-er and a grow-er too, I see," Oliver said.

"Oh, ha ha, the peanut gallery can stop, get my clothes," He snapped.

"You know Sean getting hard is probably a good sign that he's not in danger," Oliver said.

"Xander close the blinds before we go, then we'll get you your clothes," Paul said.

"Thanks," he closed the blinds then leaned back against the wall and slowly sank to the floor.

All the times Sean had told him without saying everything, flooded his mind, Sean can't get hard from me anymore, so why is he now?

I sat in the passenger seat of Sean's car as we rumbled down 15th Ave, near the turn off for our new apartment by campus, We get to live together for the first time, I can't believe it.

"Sean what do you want to do first," I asked.

"Unpack," Sean said.

"Well duh, but I mean it's our place no sisters or parents," I said.

"Let's get the tv and DVD player set up, I got Monk season six from Netflix," Sean said.

"Sweet, we can just chill in our boxers, this is going to be great," I said excited in a few ways.

"We can order pizza mom gave me thirty bucks to cover dinner while we unpack," Sean said.

"She rocks man, so what are your first classes," I asked.

"I have Intro to college, geo one hundred, and persuasive writing." Sean said.

"Nice I wonder if we have the same intro class, I have that, US history, and stats," I said wishing we had more classes together.

"Stats and history your first quarter, dude why're you doing that to yourself," Sean asked.

"I want to get stats out of the way, but I could drop history, persuasive writing sounds interesting," I said, "plus, we could do homework together."

"Oh, please homework was just code for jacking it to porn together," Sean said then parked.

"So, it was fun, and I was more focused after," I said.

"Yeah so focused," Sean said, "'hey Sean lets watch the next scene.'"

"Why don't we watch porn together anymore," I asked.

"Just cause man, it was kids' stuff doing that together," Sean said, "come on let's unload the trailer."

"I don't think it's childish to jack with someone you care about," I said.

Sean's ears went back, "come on, sooner we unload, sooner we can have pizza and chill."

"Sweet, when does the Internet get set up," I asked.

"Tomorrow, I wrote the number for dominos before we headed out," Sean said.

"I can't believe mom and momma cried when we drove off, I mean we are only like forty minutes away," I said.

"It's weird Sam and Sharron being so far away," Sean said while we wrestled the couch up the stairs.

"Yeah Sharron's just hunting her back up after well you know," I said.

"I know but Sam got into the UW I didn't expect her to choose University of Colorado We have no family there," Sean said.

"Maybe, that was the point," I said.

After we got up the beds, the TV, and the rest of the large furniture, we took a break to order the Pizza.

"When does Papa want the trailer back," I asked.

"This weekend, but I wish it wasn't on the Subaru that long," Sean said.

"I'm going to grab more boxes," I said nearly skipping so happy to be on my own with Sean.

I grabbed a hefty box for its size so I popped the top, it was full of DVDs and on the top was "Stripe Search me Sir" the cover was a bunch of leather cats being cuffed by cops.

When I got to the apartment, I asked, "hey Sean when did you get into Cats?"

Sean choked on his Gatorade, then spluttered, "Dude put that away, what if someone sees it."

"Who cares if someone sees it, it's Seattle," I said.

"I just like it my buddy Neal gave it to me," Sean said.

"Neal who," I asked.

"Neal Schmitz, we met at camp," Sean said.

"Hope Wins? You never talk about that place," I asked.

"Yeah, I know, how much is left," Sean asked.

"Just clothes bags and a bunch of boxes," I said.

"Cool let's get them," Sean said, "so Uhm, you'll probably meet Neal, he's going to the U also."

"Oh... that's great," I said and watched Sean take the stairs two at a time. I nearly carried the porn back down with me, who is this Neal that know Sean and not me, why is he getting him to experiment with new porn.

I was so lost in thought I didn't realize we were done till Sean caught my arm, "it's all good man I got the last one we can chill."

He busied himself setting up the TV.

"Sean why don't you talk about the camp," I asked.

Sean smacked his head on the TV stand, "fuck Xander, I don't want to talk about that, I told you on the trip to Disney."

"Ok, I mean, you seem different," I said, "it's like I don't know you now."

"Maybe you don't, but it's whatever man," Sean said, "we are still friends and it'll stay that way."

"Good, so is this tiger stuff hot," I asked.

"Yeah it does the trick," Sean said.

There was a knock at our door, Sean paid and tipped the Pizza guy.

"Hey, you mind if I put it on," I asked.

"Monk," He asked.

"The Tiger one, I'm curious," I said.

"Yeah sure you are, you're probably just horny," Sean said.

"So? What's your point it's our place," I said, "let's get comfortable."

"Fine just make sure the doors locked," Sean said.

We snacked on the pizza and watched the kinky DVD. I wasn't into the hitting or the whips but the tigers were hot, it was easier watching Sean to stay hard.

"What's up don't you like it," He asked.

"It's fine, but your hotter... want to watch 'Knot in the Pack 5' I mean like we used too," I asked.

"No man this is good, you can just watch me, I know you like that," Sean said, his shit faced grin was to die for.

"Yeah that works for me," I said scooting closer.

While Sean was focused on the tv I leaned into lick what he'd never let me taste, but he pushed me away his erection dropping like a stone.

"What the fuck Xander I said watch, Alpha damnit," Sean yelled and stormed off to his room.

I followed, "Sean I'm sorry I wasn't thinking, are we good man?"

"Were not Golden," Sean said slamming his door, "just do your own thing I need some space."

There was a knock at the door, by him.

"Hey, come get your clothes," Paul said through the door.

Thanking the Alpha, He stood it seemed both he and Sean had settled down.

When he got in the hall Paul sniffed his muzzle, "he remains a gentlemen you're getting dinner."

"Fine but I still get to pick where," Oliver said.

"Wow guys what kinda guy do you take me for," He said dressing.

"Well the gossip around the hospital is you're a flasher," Paul said.

"It is not... is it Alpha tell me it's not," He cried.

"No, your fine Paul's just having fun, but it's good you settle down," Oliver said.

"I just had to think of a less then sexy memory," He said.

"I used to think of math problems but then I started getting hard balancing the tills," Paul said.

"I can't tell if he's joking," He said then texted Papa Miller Sean had settle down and he was getting dinner.

"Yeah me neither," Oliver said.

"So, what are we having," He asked.

"Well there's a nearby Pho place that's good, they put in a ton of brisket and tendon," Oliver said, then added quickly "its artificial not prey."

"Oh, cool let's do it," He said he kept thinking back to Sean sniffing him then getting hard. Sean wasn't the same as he was after that camp. He had never been able to get Sean or Neal for that matter to talk about it.

"Hey are you ok," Oliver asked.

"Kinda yes, kinda no, I mean I'm glad I understand what's up with Sean better it's just making rethink about all sorts of stuff, from a different frame work and all," He said, as they passed a nurse's station, the two nurses eyes never left him and they giggled.

"So apparently, you're now famous around the hospital," Paul said.

"Crap we need to go to Harborview from now on," He said.

"I'll tell the paramedic that next time Sean goes to the Hospital," Oliver said, "wow that wasn't funny."

"No not at all," Paul said.

"Oliver when Sean wakes up you have to talk to him more about that camp, he never talks about it and I think it was the problem, I mean you were raped and you seem fine," He said.

"Thanks, I think, I will, but why are you so sure it's the camp," Oliver asked.

"Neal was sent there too, and neither of them talk about it, not with me or Fred, that's Neal's partner, and I know Neal said, once, that he only looked at Otters in high school but afterwards that camp, I mean I didn't know him before, but it's like otters don't exist to him anymore," He said.

"Sounds like that camp really knew how to fuck someone up," Paul said.

Chapter 39 Sean PoV

"Oh Alpha, Sean..."

I drifted in ice water, the cold that so often shot up my arm was now all encompassing. The ceiling above was smooth reflective ice.

My dark reflection said, "Just enjoy it." Then the fantasy of raping Paul slowly forced it's way through my mind.

"No, I can't, I won't," I said trying to move, but I couldn't I pleaded, "make it stop."

"It would stop if you wanted it too," my reflection said. The cold water burbled like there was a current pulling me, but I still couldn't move.

"Nurse you can start the gastric lavage now, he is intubated..."

"All you do is hurt them, your friends, your family, you lie, you always lie, just enjoy it, you know you want to, he enjoyed hurting you, you're the same."

"Shut up I don't I never have," I yelled, but the pain in my stomach made me know I was lying again.

"See all you do is lie, if you didn't lie maybe you wouldn't like hurting others."

"No I don't, I don't want to hurt or lie."

"From the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. And yours screams volumes."

The current pulled me till I plummeted down into my room.

"Son, you can take a few things but that's it," Dad said.

I still couldn't make myself move but my body moved and spoke on it's own.

"Dad this isn't fair, I'm basically an adult, you can't send me," I said.

"You're not an adult and we can, we want to help you. Your mother and I can't support you going to a state college till we know you can make safe and up right decisions," Dad said.

"So, if I agree to go to Wheaton, George Fox, or Whitworth you won't send me to that camp, dad I'll apply, please don't send me," I said.

"You wouldn't have applied."

"I would have, but then I'd have broken another promise to Xander," I retorted.

"See like I said always lying."

"Son it's too late for those enrollments, no... This is our only option," Dad said.

"He's lying right there too," I said to my reflection.

"So, you'll need to pack for an extended trip, they want you to bring important things to help with home sickness pictures of friends and family," Dad said.

Then dad left and I packed but I couldn't find my journal or the school picture that Xander and I had taken together.

I gave up looking for them. Then sat by my luggage.

"If you're not a liar why didn't you tell him you don't want to change and that you hate him."

"Because that would be a lie too I love him," I said to my reflection.

"If you don't hate him why do you only talk to him when you have too, it's been ten years of an empty shell of a relationship," my reflection said.

I was now at the introduction meeting for Hope Wins it was in an old hospital now conference center.

"Do you even have real relationships with anyone, Xander you won't share things with, and you hardly talk to your family," my reflection said next to me.

"Why won't you leave me alone, I never wanted any of this, I'll ignore you," I said.

"Doctor we are starting the transfusion..."

"Hi, you're Sean, right? I'm Taylor, we'll be roommates for camp," a blue eyed athletic wolf said coming up to me. A warm flush ran through me.

"Oh hi, yeah I'm Sean," I said.

"Come on I'll show you our room," Taylor said.

I dragged my bag behind him, Alpha his ass looks great in those tight slacks.

"You _'__ re disgusting_," my reflection said.

"So, you want to get better," Taylor asked.

"Yeah, I guess I need too," I said.

There was a scoff in my ear.

"So where are you from," Taylor asked.

"Everett, what about you," I asked.

"I'm from Boise," Taylor said, "the front desk said your dad left this for you."

It was my journal, and the school photo.

"Oh, sweet I couldn't find those when I was packing," I said, "So what do we do now?"

"Not much, we get to relax till dinner, here we are," he said stopping outside a dorm like room with a bed on each wall with a desk and closet.

"Well I guess I'll unpack," I said.

"So, who is that guy with you in the photo, he's cute," Taylor said.

"Dude should you even say that here... I mean is it safe," I asked.

"Yeah, it's fine dude," Taylor said laying on the left wall bed while I unpacked.

"So, did your parents send you here," I asked.

"No, I volunteered," Taylor said, "hey it's hot in here you mind if I lose the shirt."

"No, I mean you can if you want," I said.

"You pervert."

I couldn't help but watch as he took off his shirt. He lay there watching me.

"So, what's your type? Your friends hot, do you like wolves," He asked.

I was so embarrassed, and said "I think, yeah, why wouldn't I."

"So, you like your buddy there," He asked.

"Yeah, he's my best friend sometimes I feel I love him," I said.

Taylor flinched "do you like me."

"I... I don't know, you're cute," I said.

He lay back, "thanks, glad you think so that'll make this all easier."

"Yeah, it'll be nice to have a friend here, my parents made me come, I think they hate me," I said.

"I'm sorry to hear that, I doubt they do, they just want to help, so what type of guys don't turn you on," He asked, "Do you have a thing for Otters, I sure do."

"I just like canids," I said.

"Ok good," he said standing and putting his shirt on. Then he grabbed my photo and journal.

"Hey, can I have those back," I asked.

"Naw I don't think you can, not till after treatment," he said and knocked at the door.

A bolt was drawn, I realized someone had locked us in here.

An older wolf greeted Taylor.

"The dad was right he likes canids and has feelings for the guy in the photo, it will make a good primary," Taylor said.

"Good job Taylor, who do you think should room with him," The old wolf asked.

"I think Neal, neither should want to misbehave with the other," Taylor said.

"Good, go get him," the old wolf said.

"What the hell Taylor, why did you do that," I cried.

"Dude I work here, and you need help," Taylor said, he passed the older wolf the photo but kept the journal then walked off down the hall.

"Come with me young man," the older wolf said.

"No, why would I go anywhere with you, you're all liars," I said.

"Because you want to go home, come boy," the wolf said.

Wilting I followed.

"You may call me George or Uncle George if you like, so do you want to get better," George asked.

"I don't think there's anything wrong," I said.

"Filth," My reflection said.

"Thou ... that means you, shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination," George said, "You know where that's from don't you?"

"The book of the pack," I mumbled.

"I know that your father and mother are alphas for their conference, do you want to shame them," George asked.

"No but I don't know how to change, I want to be normal but I can't," I whimpered.

"That's ok the Alpha provides the tools to overcome temptation," He said.

"Well he never seemed to give them to me," I said.

George laughed, "Well, we'll have you equipped soon. Come in and have a seat."

He had me sit in a funny chair. The right arm rest was like a fish tank full of water.

"Now I'll warn you this isn't fun but it helps," George said.

I nervously sat in the weird chair.

George strapped a harness over my shoulders, and a belt over my waist and ankles.

He held the photo of me and Xander up, then said "describe this boy."

"He's my best friend, we do everything together, well as you can see he's a black monotone border collie with mid length fur," I said.

"Ok I think we're out of the woods, get him back on just the I.V. ..."

"No, my boy who is he too you," George asked.

"He's my best friend the only one, that's always there for me," I said.

"Do you love him," George asked.

"Yes," I said feeling ashamed.

"My boy its fine to love him, Jonathan and David were kindred, but they did not lust, love him don't lust for him," George said.

"Ok," I murmured.

"Describe the way you lust for this boy, look at his photo and picture the things and ways you lust for him," George said.

"But it's wrong, isn't it," I asked.

"To train you it's a necessary evil, now lust," George said.

"I pictured Xander's ass, and the way he caressed and tickled my stomach when we wrestled, I imagined the heat of him and his smell as we cuddled during a movie, I pictured his cock as we jacked to porn together and the way he-"

The arm rest pad slipped away and the straps pulled then held me tilted in the water full of ice.

I yelped in surprise as the cold filled me.

"It's what you deserved," my reflection said.

After hours of getting aroused by Xander then getting plunged in ice water till it hurt, George said I did great for today and let me go back to my room.

When I reached my room, there was a huge huddled form in the other bed.

I approached the form and said, "I'm Sean-"

"Get away from me," It yelled.

I stopped and moved to my bed, "Sorry, are you Neal?"

"Yes," he gasped.

"Are you ok," I asked.

"No... no I can't change," Neal sobbed.

I wrapped myself in a blanket and to warm up, not sure what to do or say to the Giant Otter.

A while after the otter stopped crying, Did he fall asleep? Neal asked, "What treatment are they doing on you?"

"Ice baths," I said.

"Lucky."

"They hurt after a while."

He laughed at me, "I'm an otter, they don't really work on me."

"So, what do they do for you," I asked.

"They're using those ab exerciser pads like you see on TV," Neal said, "but on your arm, leg or lower pelvis, then they crank it to like a hundred, only when you pop a woody, it's the worst Charley horse ever."

"Is that why you snapped," I asked.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I still hurt," he said.

"You wanted to touch him, to rub him, to pleasure him," my reflection said.

He cried, "I wish I was normal, I wouldn't need this if I was normal."

We stayed there in an unhappy silence.

I was now in the ice cave again alone floating in the cold, I realized it was the isolation tank that I was put in after still getting an erection from the thought of Xander after a week.

I struggled but couldn't move.

"Help me out, let me out," I screamed.

No one ever came.

"Please, I can change, let me out, It was just a hug, I know I shouldn't have hug Neal, Please,"

I pounded on the glass above me.

"You never wanted to change, if you did you would have," my reflection in the glass above me said.

"No, you're wrong this ended I got past this," I cried.

"Stupid boy you'll never get past this you are always going to be a failure who can't love and isn't loved."

"No I love, I can," I cried.

"But you can't act on it, from the over flow of the heart, you know that if you had a heart that can love you would, you'd be with Xander or Oliver instead of teasing and twisting them up inside."

"I can and I do love, I do."

I felt a weight on my chest, and a kiss.

It felt like a warm spring breeze, I smelt- catching grasshoppers in the summer, soccer in the back yard, chalk on the side walk, throwing snow balls, movies and popcorn, stone bridges at the creak, and cinnamon hot cider in the woods.

"I'm sorry for everything that happened, I forgive you that you couldn't keep your promise, please just please get better..." then I felt a warmth fill me in a place that hadn't felt it in a decade and the voice of my reflection left me alone to rest. A wonderful rest.