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A loud crack of thunder shakes my apartment, but it doesn't wake me. I've actually been awake for hours and I've maybe gotten 2 or 3 hours of sleep all together. I sigh and rub my muzzle tiredly, debating whether or not I should call off work today. If I did, I would just end up laying in bed and not sleeping for the rest of the day so I might as well see if I should get this day started. I roll over and grab my phone off the floor.

"4:38 am... Fuck..." I say as I roll on my back. Just under 2 hours tonight, should make for an interesting day. Thank God I work at a coffee shop.

I slowly sit up and rub my swollen eyes. I cried last night, which I was hoping I was past, but when I climbed into to bed and reached across the empty space beside me... I felt them come and they didn't stop for what felt like an eternity. I pull the sheets off to the side and begrudgingly get out of bed. My legs are very wobbly as I head to the bathroom and I stumble a bit and have to catch my balance on the door frame. I steady myself before I reach to the side and turn on the lights.

It's bright and it burns my eyes for a moment but I adjust as best I can and walk to the sink. I stare into the basin for a long time... I knew that if I looked up I would be starring right back at myself. I'd have to see just how pathetic I looked... I 'd have to see the guy he left. My paws grip either side of the sink roughly and I slowly raise my head... and there's the fucking jackal that drove Darren away.

I'm two toned, mostly black fur with a tan muzzle and underbelly, you know the colors of filth. Sandy golden eyes glare at me from the mirror. Long pointed ears, the right of which is pierced, standing straight up as if they had something to be proud of. A stupid muzzle piercing and two crescent moons tattooed on my stomach like I was trying to be cool. I look down and grimace at the sight of the hideous scars on my right leg. If all that wasn't bad enough all the tears, the lack of sleep and the lack of food made me look even worse than I already did. No wonder Darren left me...

My breathe catches in my throat and my stomach churns, bringing me to my knees. I scramble to the toilet just in time, but throwing up on an empty stomach is agonizing. My body shudders as I wrap my arms around the bowl. After a few minutes of spitting and sobbing, I rest my head on the seat and flush the contents. I force myself up and start the shower, stripping off my briefs and throwing them against the wall. I pull back the curtain and step into the streaming water.

"Fuck!" I yell as icy water soaks into my fur. I attempt to adjust the water, but I know it won't do any good. This apartment is cheap because it needs some work and honestly, the maintenance guy the building owner employs isn't very good and his waiting list is backed up for a couple months.

Eventually I get used to the numbing cold water and I start trying to get cleaned up. After that, I just stand there and let the water run over me, hoping that it might help clear my head before I have to go to work. I hear my alarm going off and decide that I've spent enough time in the shower. I throw a towel over my shoulder and walk back to the bed, dripping cold water all over the floor, and turn off my alarm.

I slowly dry myself and sit back on the bed. I stare at all the boxes I still hadn't unpacked, boxes that had so much of my life... our life still in them. 3 happy years, or at least I thought they were happy. They were for me and maybe that's why I didn't see what I was doing to Darren, why I didn't see how unhappy he was. Sirens blare past the apartment on the streets below, breaking me out of my trance.

I leave the wet towel in the floor and walk over to the boxes by the wall. I take the box on top and dump its contents out into the floor. I find a black t-shirt, a torn grey hoodie, jeans, socks and... no underwear... I shake my head and pull the jeans on. I get the shirt on and realize that it's a lot bigger than it used to be, which means that I've probably lost a considerable amount of weight.

I walk out of my room and down the hall, jacket and socks in hand. This apartment was smaller than my last one. 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom and a combination kitchen/ living room. Bad wiring, a shitty water heater, no air conditioner, it needed new tiling and carpet... But right now I couldn't really argue with the price and I guess it's better than living in my car or moving back in with dad. I thread my arms into the hoodie and put my socks on, which I don't think are mates. I shrug it off and search for the shoes that I had abandoned the night before. I find them under the broken down futon I pulled off the side of the road when I moved in, truly I was a bachelor again...

I debate eating before I head to work, but only for a moment. I keep waiting for myself to just give up, but apparently the canid body can take a great deal of punishment before it shuts down... yay for me. I take my apron and keys off of the hook by the front door and grab my umbrella off the floor. I lock up and start my way down five flights of stairs. Too early for anyone else in the building to be heading out or maybe not, honestly I hadn't even noticed any of the other tenants since I moved in. I've heard them, just never really paid any attention to them. I hadn't paid much attention to anyone lately. My friends were all worried sick but I barely texted them back and I didn't bother answering my phone. My current boss refused to fire me even though I deserved it with all the mistakes I've made and my bad attitude of late and dad, well dad was being dad.

He was worried, and came over a lot to check on me. He cares in his own way, I was the only family he had left after all. However, I don't think he ever fully accepted that I was gay and he's never gone out of his way to make any of my boyfriends feel welcome. When Darren left, he went into a tangent about this was how gays operated. They lured in unsuspecting, innocent young guys into their lifestyle and then destroyed them. After already being corrupted the newly dumped guy looks for a rebound, thus creating a never ending cycle. Needless to say, I was already upset and this pissed me off even more so that was the last we talked about it.

I make it down the stairs and pull the door of the building open. I fiddle with my umbrella and start to feel a bit light headed again. I stumble and nearly piss myself when a loud yelp pierces through the early morning. I jump back and notice a huddled body by the door, clutching a long white and brown tail.

"What the hell man?!" I exclaim as my heart pounds in my chest. "Think it might not be a good idea to sit right next to a door?"

"I... I'm sorry." A surprisingly young voice answers. "I was just looking for someplace dry to stay for a while."

I stand there for a moment and stare. He eventually looks up at me and I start to feel uncomfortable, because I was pretty sure I just hurt a homeless guy. He has piercing green eyes, a white muzzle and face, but has brown floppy ears and a tuft of brown head fur. There's a tiredness in his eyes and even though he is wearing bulky clothes I can tell that he is underweight because his face looks thin. He also looks young. Not young enough that I think he's a runaway, but he's somewhere around my age and a lot younger than most of the the guys I see living on the streets.

"Listen... sorry I snapped." I say as I shuffle a bit, "And sorry I stepped on your tail. Are you okay?"

"Yeah... mostly surprised me." He says as he pulls his tail into his lap, "Sorry I scared you... I guess I shouldn't be here."

"It's okay, not like this building has a doorman or anything." I say, rubbing my face. "And I don't think any of my neighbors are going to run you off."

"Okay... Sorry." He says as he lowers his voice

I turn and open my umbrella and remember a day similar to this with Darren. We were walking down the Heere after a show, Death of a Salesman I think. I remember Darren grabbing my arm and leading me across the street to avoid a group of homeless people, begging for change. I remember feeling so guilty and when I asked him about it he said that homeless people were homeless for a reason. Could be drugs, alcohol, they could even be on the run from the law and we shouldn't get involved with that. I remember thinking that he was right that homeless people are homeless for a reason, but that doesn't mean it was their fault... And it didn't mean that they weren't trying.

"Hey..." I say as I turn around and stare down at the other canid. "I don't have anything on me right now, but I get out of work around 2 o'clock. If you're still here I'll buy you some lunch."

"Y... You don't have to do that." He stammers as he plays with his tail. "I wouldn't ask someone else to do that for me. I've never asked anyone for money..."

"Yeah, I can tell." I force a smile. "You look worse than I do."

"I haven't eaten for a while." He says as he looks up at me.

"Well, I've been going through a bit of a rough patch myself here of late and doing this for you might make me feel a bit better about things." I say with a cynical chuckle. "Be here at 2:10 today and I will be back to get you some lunch, okay?"

"I'll be okay..." He says with a smile as fake as my own. "You don't have to go through the trouble."

"Well, I'll be through here after 2 regardless." I say as I turn and head out into the rain. "See you at lunch kid."

"... Thanks." I barely hear him, he says it with such a low voice.

I wonder how long he's been out here. I wonder how long he's been homeless actually. My problems start to seem small compared to that. Don't get me wrong, it still fucking hurts and at the moment I'd give just about anything to make things go back to the way they were, but deep down I do know that I will get over it... It's just right now, I don't really want to. At least this will help keep my mind off my own problems.

I've always been better at helping people with their problems than dealing with my own. That was part of the reason why I ended up going to school to become a therapist. I really enjoyed the work and it always felt great knowing that I was helping my clients get through their issues. I really do wish I could've stayed, but when Darren left I fell apart. Honestly, it was closer to a psychotic break than anything else. My boss came to see me and suggested that I get some help, which I ignored, I released all my clients to other therapists and after 4 weeks my boss called me back and said that due to my current condition and unwillingness to seek help he would have to let me go.

After he hung up, I went for a walk. An extremely long walk. I wandered the streets of New Amsterdam for hours before I ended up completely lost. There was a little cafe called Frank's and before I had time to clear my head I had walked in. I walked up to the counter and a grey and white rabbit appears out of the back room and says something to me. Her ears are pointed, alert and she has a very cheerful disposition and she's fairly busty... For a rabbit that is. I was standing there starring at her and she had a very confused and worried look on her face. It took me a moment to realize that she had asked me several times if she could get me something and I was starting to look like a crazy person.

"Coffee... Black as you can get it." I say as I shake my head. "And if you have espresso add three shots."

"Oh thank god," She says with relief. "I thought you were about to pull a gun on me."

"What?" I ask, still trying to clear the cobwebs.

"I'm sorry." She says as she starts getting my coffee. "It's just you look pretty rough. Looks like you've had several rough nights and you look a little desperate."

"My boyfriend left me..." I couldn't believe I said it.

"I'm very sorry to hear that." She says as she comes back to the counter and puts a paw on mine. "You're in a lot of pain, aren't you?"

"We'd been together for 3 years and I come home to a note that just says... well, let's just say it said goodbye." I say still in a daze. "No real explanation as to why, he was just gone and he took almost everything with him..."

"That was a really shitty thing to do." She says reassuring me for some reason. "No one deserves that."

"I had to break our lease because I couldn't afford our apartment..." I say this time with tears pouring down my face. "I have everything in my car sitting outside our place and I have no idea where to go... Not to mention I just lost my job... I don't know what I'm going to do... I just... I JUST WANT HIM BACK!"

I collapse to the floor, screaming and crying like a spoiled kid. At the time I was just glad the only other person here was that rabbit. And then, I feel small arms closing around me. Someone is telling me that everything is going to be okay. I wasn't sure if it was the rabbit or someone else and I really didn't care. I hugged them back and sobbed into their shoulder. After about 10 minutes, I'm able to look up... Rabbit with big tits, thank God... She grabs me by the arm and leads me over to one of the couches.

"Here you go honey." She says as she hands me a box of tissues. "Just let it all out."

"I'm so sorry." I say as tears still gently stream down my face. "You probably think I'm a lunatic."

"I think that you really loved your boyfriend." She says as she pats my shoulder. "And I think that losing him probably hurts worse than anything else right now."

"Yeah... it really does." I say with a forced laugh. "I just wish I knew what happened..."

"Would it really make you feel any better?" She asks with an eyebrow raised.

"No... Probably not." I say with sniffle. "I guess I'm just looking for some closure."

"Honey, do you have someplace to stay?" She asks with genuine concern.

"Not really." I say with a shrug. "I guess I could stay with my dad for a while but he can be difficult to handle at the best of times."

"What about this job," She says as she tilts her head. "Anyway you can get it back?"

"I doubt it." I say, shaking my head. "Definitely not with me like this. People want their therapists to be emotionally stable and all that you know..."

"Jesus..." She says as her ears droop down slightly. "I guess I can understand that. Sounds like your life has been completely turned upside down."

"I don't know what to do, even if I find an apartment I can't pay for it." I say as I pause to blow my nose. "No one is going to hire me to be a therapist while I'm still like this."

"It's not much..." she says as her ears perk up, "But I can give you a job here. I know the evening crowd clearly isn't that impressive, but I could use more help in the mornings. I can't afford to pay you what you were probably making as a therapist, but it's better than nothing."

"Don't you need to ask Frank?" I ask with a snort.

"I bought this place from Frank about 5 years ago." She says with a laugh. "Just kept the name because it didn't feel right to change it. My name's Jessie, I'll be your new boss."

"I have to warn you Jessie, the last time I made coffee for myself I ended up with a cup of black sludge..." I say with a grimace. "You might regret offering me a job."

"Hmm, well..." Jessie seems to think about it for a moment, and I'm cursing myself for trying to talk her out of giving me a job that I really needed. "I'm sure it'll be fine. If you can be here tomorrow at 5am, I'll run you through some training before we open."

"I appreciate it..." I say with teary eyes, "But you really don't have to do this. You don't even know me."

"I know you could use some help." she says with a smile. "And I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't try to help you. Now, where exactly does you dad live?"

"... Shelter Island." I say reluctantly

"Really?" She asks with a whistle. "Well, you're not going to be driving 6 hours round trip every day, that's out of the question... I could talk to my cousin about getting you an apartment at his building. It's only a 10 minute walk and I will warn you in advance... whatever apartment he has available is probably going to be run down and will need a lot of work. But it's cheap, has electric and running water and is better than living in a cardboard box."

I didn't know what to say. I just sat there with my mouth open trying to understand why anyone would go out of their way to help a perfect stranger that had moments ago just had a emotional breakdown in front of them. She closed up shop and took me to her cousins' building. His name was Rick and he was a fat, lazy bunny... sorry, rabbit. He didn't really seem to care about my situation, which was fine. He had me sign a single line on an extremely small rental contract and then he handed me the key and that was the last time I ever saw him.

We walk back to Frank's and she offers to walk me to my car, which I then tell her is still in Chelsea.

"I thought you said you walked?" Jessie asks confused.

"Yeah, I did" I say tiredly

"That's 3 hours away on foot!" She exclaims loudly, "Why'd you walk all the way here?"

"I honestly don't even know where here is." I say with a shrug.

"You're in Fort George." She says as she shakes her head, "Didn't you notice how far away all those big buildings were?"

"Fort George?" I say as I look up at the sky and finally realize I certainly wasn't downtown anymore. "Guess I wasn't really focused..."

"You dogs are all the same." She says with a laugh.

"I'm a Jackal." I say with a snort.

"Well, either way, I can't just run around calling you jackal." She says with a smile. "And I don't think you'd appreciate it if I said 'Here boy!' So what's your name?"

"Seb... Seb Riyad." I say slowly.

"Okay Seb, take this and get a cab." Jessie says as she hands me a couple of twenties. "Can't have you walking back to downtown so late. Who knows what could happen."

"I can't take that." I say as I try to push her hand away. "You're already doing too much for me."

"Take it Seb." She says sternly as she forces the money into my paw. "You take this money, go get your car and head to your new apartment. I will see you in the morning."

Jessie gives me one final hug before she heads off down the street and I'm left standing there wondering why... Perfect strangers don't help each other, especially not in New Amsterdam. So, why? Was it just pity or did she genuinely care and want to help? It was a passing curiosity but at the time I really didn't care.

I called a taxi and they took me back downtown. I got in my car and drove back to Fort George and my new apartment. I slowly carry all the boxes in and when I'm finished I close the door behind me and lean against it, looking into the vast emptiness of this new place. It was barren... it felt cold and void of anything. This wasn't my home... This wasn't where we spent three wonderful years. This wasn't the place that we had filled with our love. My breath catches and I fall to me knees and cry again. I fall asleep at some point during all of that because I wake up around 3am laying right next to the front door.

I do my best to clean up before I head back to Frank's at 5am. As promised, Jessie is there and she introduces me to her husband, a rather athletic and tall specimen of rabbit named Jordan who looks me over suspiciously. They walked me through opening duties before 2 more employees showed up, a plump brown mouse, who I think was somewhere around my age named Janet and 17 year old coyote named Reis. Janet was overly friendly, as I've found most mice to be. Reis, on the other hand, was awfully quiet for a teenage boy but the way he looked at me lead me to believe that he either knew I was gay and hated me for it... or he knew that I was gay and he was too and he probably hadn't told anyone yet.

I followed Janet and Jessie for most of the day, doing my best to commit what they were showing me to memory. I made a lot of mistakes... which people weren't happy about but Jessie and Janet always managed to fix things and make the customers smile before they left. At the end of the day, about 5 o'clock, I stayed with Jordan and he walked me through all of the closing duties.

"So Seb," He begins as he sweeps the floor, "What did you think?"

"That I'm not very good at this." I say as I accidentally knock over a bag of beans and they spill into the floor, "FUCK!"

"It's alright..." Jordan says with a frown, "Not like we weren't cleaning up anyway."

"How much is it?" I say as I grab the other broom and start sweeping them up.

"No offense... but you couldn't afford it." He says gruffly.

"Did I do something to you?" I ask plainly.

"Jessie is a kind and caring woman." He says as he turns to face me, "I don't like it when people try to take advantage of her."

"I didn't take advantage of her." I say angrily.

"I'm not so sure about that." He says as he moves closer to me, "Coming in here with that sob story, worming your way into a job and taking her money... I have a suspicion that you're just strung out from something. You'll make enough for your next fix and then we'll never see you again."

I throw the broom down and walk to the register where I grab a pen and paper. I angrily scribble down the number of the behavioral center I used to work at and held it out to him. "I was never asked to fill out a resume, but this is the last place I worked. I was there for 5 years and had to take a drug and psychological test regularly in order to keep my job. You don't have to like me, but I'm not in any mood to be belittled like this. I'll wait for you to call them and confirm what I told you. Until then... Fuck you..."

He stared at me for a moment before he grabbed the paper from my hand and walked outside, pulling his cellphone out of his pocket. Great... I think to myself as I start to break down. I finish sweeping up the coffee beans, then the parlor, I wiped down all the coffee machines and the counters and tables before walking into the back and starting dishes. I didn't know how much time was passing, I was angry and still very sad. I didn't want to think about anything other than what I was doing in the moment. There was something nice about working again, gave me something to do and kept me from thinking about Darren some... and I probably just ruined that by cussing at Jordan.

"I'm sorry..." Jordan says close behind me. I spin around quickly to find Jordan leaning against the door frame. His ears are no longer rigid, but drooped back behind him. He is at least looking me in the eyes and they are very apologetic. "Jessie has been hurt by a lot of people in the past and I am very protective of her because she has very little regard for her own well-being... In my experience it's rare for someone to tell the truth in this city. Regardless, I shouldn't have acted like an ass to you."

"I guess I can't blame you for that." I say as I turn back around, "Its fine... but I'm not in a great place right now. All of this is hard for me. I used to have a job helping people, a job that I loved, and now I can't even help myself. I lost the only man I ever considered having a future with and our home to boot... I'm the lowest I've ever been and I need... I need help."

"You'll have as much training as you need and I'll do whatever I can to help out." Jordan says assuring me.

"Thank you." I say as tears swell up and I cry, doing my best to wash the dishes. Jordan slaps me hard on the back, like some guys do, and joins me by the sink.

We finish up the dishes and I leave as he counts the bank for the day. Jessie calls me almost as soon as I get home to tell me that I did a great job on my first day and let me know my schedule for the rest of the week. I thank her and tell her that I'll see her tomorrow morning. I toss my phone on a pile of clothes and curl up in the floor. I try to think about all the positive things that had happened. Jessie, even Jordan, were willing to help me and I really needed it. I had a job and a new apartment... The work had distracted me and I hadn't thought about Darren much throughout the day but now that I was alone. The tears started streaming down my cheeks and the pain tore through me again.

I had to have something to occupy my time... otherwise, I'd just keep breaking down and I couldn't function like this. But aside from work, I never really found anything else that could hold my interest long enough. TV didn't work and I couldn't get into any good books like I used to. I did go out a few times with Janet and Jessie, which resulted in me getting insanely drunk and staying at one of their places while they took turns taking care of me while I cried and threw up.

Now I have a chance to focus on someone else's problems for a while. Whoever this poor kid was might be exactly what I need to help myself and while it is selfish, it's not like he wouldn't be getting help in return. I think about it as I grip my umbrella tightly and sigh shakily, because I know that once he's gone... once I'm home all by myself, I'd fall right back into the same pit I woke up in this morning. The worst thing about this breakup was that no matter how much time passed or what I did to distract myself, it still hurt like it did when it first happened. I suppose right now, I will take any amount of peace I can get.

I round the corner and see Frank's all lit up, so I assume that Jessie and one of the others is already here setting up. I take a deep breath as my stomach grumbles and I close my umbrella as I get closer. I walk back through a side alley and go in through the back door... and so I start my work day at 5:30am. After having the kind of night that I had, I imagine it's going to be a rough day. But I'll get through it, I have too. Besides, helping that kid will make me feel a lot better about my own life, but I grimace at that thought as I put on my apron...

"I'm a terrible person..."