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"I'm sorry, I just can't."

I buried my face in my paws while Kurt watched helplessly. We had finished our dinner at Cosmic and driven back to Kurt's place in silence. Kurt's mouth had opened a few times as if he wanted to say something, but he had stopped himself. I guess I was too shocked to say anything or still digesting the confrontation with my father and the revelation about Kurt's motives. As soon as we got into the apartment I sunk into the sofa and buried my face behind my paws, not wanting to make eye contact with Kurt. "It's too soon," I sighed. "I mean we've not been together for very long." Kurt didn't say anything but kept his eyes fixed on the ground. "I love you, but I don't feel ready," I continued. "I just feel really overwhelmed." "It's not me that's putting you off?" Kurt asked. "No, it's not," I sighed. "I just feel scared." Kurt sat down opposite me and I could see the Doberman looked lost and somewhat defeated. "I want someone to fill the gap left when Hector passed away," Kurt explained with a sigh. "I've been feeling lost ever since he died, I need to care for someone and love them in the same way Hector and I looked out for each other. I loved you since I first saw you, and felt a desire to protect and care for you." "But I'm not just someone to bring into your life to replace someone else," I cut in. "I just don't feel ready for this." "I know, but please don't leave or be scared of me," Kurt replied, and I could see the muscular Doberman looked afraid. "I'm sorry it was too early, I just feel this hole in my life and I need to get rid of it." "I can't be that person to help you get rid of it right now," I said, getting to my hind-paws. "Maybe my father was right in that it was my fault being gay. I wouldn't be in this situation if I wasn't." "What?" Kurt replied in disbelief. I knew I was being irrational, but I felt like expressing raw frustration. "I should have just stayed as a set designer, and not become tangled up with you," I ranted. "One moment you're completely in love with me, the next you're mad at me," Kurt sighed. "I just feel, feel so messed up inside," I replied, trying to form a sentence, but my head was swimming with so many emotions I could barely get the words out.

I need air.

I walked swiftly to the bedroom and began retrieving some of my clothes and throwing them into my suitcase. "Are you leaving me?" Kurt asked, his brown eyes wide with fear. "I don't know, I just need some space on my own to think things through," I replied. Kurt opened his mouth to protest, but instead he just watched me pack in silence. I knew this was the second time I had walked out of his apartment, only to return a short while later, but this time I didn't feel so sure about returning.

Perhaps Kurt is giving me the silent treatment as he expects me to return?

If that was the case I wasn't going to sit outside and let him find me. I walked to the front door as Kurt watched. He opened his mouth again, but looked lost as to what to say. "Goodbye Kurt," I said softly. I wondered whether to add something else, but I didn't. "Whatever you decide Alec, know that I love you," Kurt replied, gazing at the floor. I wasn't sure what to say, I tried to repeat I love you too, but I couldn't get the words out. Instead I closed the door behind me and walked to the elevator.

I threw my suitcase into the back of my car and drove back to my old apartment on Emerald Street. It felt weird coming back, but I needed somewhere to gather my thoughts. I walked in to find the kitchen as messy as ever and the posters in my room peeling off the walls. The room felt cold and small compared to Kurt's apartment, part of me already wanted to go back.

But what if he tries proposing again?

I put my suitcase down and took a deep breath, trying to force myself to think rationally. In the past when I had a problem I decided to write things down. I grabbed a spare sheet of paper and (after five minutes of trying to find a pen that worked) began to plan my list. What was I supposed to write? My brain felt too shot to pieces to write a list of pros and cons so I doodled idly. I began to realise that I could have just politely declined Kurt's offer of marriage until I felt more comfortable rather than bluntly walk out on him, but I knew I'd been scared of him offering and kept it bottled inside me. The confrontation with my father was the spark that had caused the explosion. I just wanted some space on my own, whether it was from my family or Kurt. The adrenaline from both confrontations was still coursing through me, but rather than make me feel on edge it sapped my energy. I climbed out of my clothes, turned off the light and tried wrapping myself in the covers.

I was not used to sleeping by myself and I tossed and turned. An awful thought occurred to me. The way I had said goodbye to Kurt seemed to cold. What if the Doberman did something bad to himself? I reached for my phone on the bedside table and began typing out a quick messaged.

Hey Kurt,

I hope you're okay. I wanted to say that...

I sighed and stopped typing. What exactly was I trying to say? I wanted to check he was okay, but at the same time I didn't want to apologise for rejecting his idea of proposing. I kept typing various messages out until I grew frustrated and my eyes felt heavy. In the end I just typed out one line.

Hey Kurt,

I hope you're okay. Please don't do anything bad.

It sounded weak but I couldn't think of what else to say. I put my phone down and rolled over as a black, restless sleep finally came to me.

A few hours later the rays of dawn touched my face. I groaned and rolled over, instinctively patting the spot on the bed beside me. It took me a moment to realise I was back in my old room and not laying by Kurt's side. I checked my phone and there were no messages. Sighing, I walked to the kitchen to find it a mess. There was nothing of mine left in the fridge and I only had a box of old cereal in the cupboard. I decided to go out and see what I could find. I drove my car down to the Boardwalk area and glanced at all the restaurants and cafes. The idea of going into one of them alone felt weird. I had never eaten out alone before I'd met Kurt. I paused and glanced down at my phone. Still there was no response from last night.

What the hell, I'll call him. I should have done that first.

I sat down on a bench and nervously weighed my phone in my paw. Would he be mad or try to bring up the idea of proposing, and what would I even say?

Just the same as last night, see if he's okay.

I pressed the call button and waited. The phone rang and rang, before going straight to voicemail. I frowned and wondered why he wasn't answering. There wasn't a shoot going on today as far as I could remember. I began to get worried, what if he had done something bad to himself? The thought was too awful to contemplate and I wanted to ensure Kurt was at least okay. I began walking quickly in the direction of the apartment building.

Kurt is a strong guy, he should be okay.

I passed the marina and slowed down as I reached the apartment building. There was no sign of Kurt's Lotus parked outside. I walked over to the door and pressed the intercom for his apartment. It buzzed but there was no answer. Frantically, I pulled my phone back out and tried his number again. It rang before going to voicemail. I let out a defeated sigh. I had no idea where he had gone or if he was all right. A sense of guilt crept through me, this was my fault; if I hadn't snapped at him then he wouldn't have stopped talking to me. The again, I couldn't just accept the idea of him proposing if I didn't feel ready. I decided I needed to sit down and collect my thoughts. Feeling dejected, I began walking back in the direction of the restaurants.

I sat down in the café I had gone to with Kurt, Chadwick and Reggie but it felt empty. I glanced at the various pastries and cakes on display before I ordered a green tea and a cinnamon roll. "Not with the others today?" The Husky asked. "No, not today," I replied, forcing a smile. In my head I began thinking again. If I got over the initial scare of Kurt proposing, what was I actually afraid of? As I'd often appreciated, being with Kurt made me happy and his family had made an effort to connect with me. An image in my head formed of Kurt and I visiting his parents' place as a married couple and joking around with Tobias, my brother in law. It didn't seem scary at all. Then again, was I really ready to make such a commitment? I felt bad for Kurt loosing Hector, but using me to fill that gap in his life seemed a little rushed.

The Husky placed the tea and cinnamon roll down and I nibbled at part of it. It was nice, but I remembered when Kurt had made them one morning. Then again, if I was missing him already that could be a sign that I should go back to him. I felt lost and even sipping my tea didn't seem to help. I finished the rest of my roll and gulped my tea even though it burnt my tongue. As I walked outside I thought about calling Doug to see if I could he knew of Kurt's whereabouts.

I made my way along the Boardwalk and sat down on a bench overlooking the sea. I scrolled through my phone to find Doug's number. I pressed the call button and waited for the Dingo to pick up. The phone rang and like Kurt's went straight to voice mail. "Why is no one picking up?" I huffed to myself. I gazed over the ocean as I wondered what to do next. My phone buzzed and I scrabbled to pull it out of my pocket, almost dropping it on the floor in excitement. I glanced at the screen and saw a message from Doug;

Not gonna talk right now. SC 2 FX.

What on earth was that supposed to mean, that Kurt wouldn't talk to me? I never used text language, and couldn't think of anyone under the age of thirty who did, so I had no idea what the last part was supposed to refer to. I wrote out message to respond back to Doug.

Does Kurt not wanna talk? Please call me.

I then tried calling Kurt's number. Once again it went straight to voicemail. "Dammit," I growled out loud before cursing to myself. A couple of female Alsatians were fixing me a funny glance. I got up and began walking down the beach towards my car. There was also nothing from Doug and I was afraid of pestering the Dingo further if he didn't want to talk. That would only make things worse. Then again, Doug was always friendly and loyal so it didn't make sense that he would want to cut me off too.

But what if Kurt had said something to him?

I shook the thought from my head. Even if Kurt was mad or upset, I knew him well enough to know that he wouldn't go and mouth off behind my back. He was more mature than that. I mulled the thoughts over as I climbed into my car. I didn't want to go back to my old apartment right away, the idea of facing my roommate's mess in the kitchen stressed me out even more. I decided to drive to a stretch of beach that I had gone to as a kid, go for a short walk and then head back to Kurt's.

I drove down the main boulevard through San Amador and passed the outskirts of town. Rather than join the highway I kept on the coastal road and eventually pulled off near a small town called Vincentville which lay on the coast. It was a smaller place than San Amador and was mostly made up of houses. It was also practically deserted which was good; I could express my thoughts without anyone giving me weird looks. I parked the car on the main street and walked down a set of steps onto the sand. I passed by a couple of families playing in the sand and a pair of Wolves wading through the surf together. I paused for a moment to watch. The Wolves were both dressed in Wolf & Coyote swimwear and one reached out to take the others' paw. The sight made me feel wistful before I felt tears in the corners of my eyes. I kept walking and eventually left the buildings and people behind. I was now on a narrow stretch of beach with rocks on one side and the water on the other. The sun was partly behind a cloud outside as I kept wondering. I shivered and wished I had got a key for Kurt's apartment. Just letting myself in was probably a bad idea at this point, but the idea of being back in his place seemed appealing.

You hadn't gotten used to calling it our place.

Another sign that I could spend my whole life with him, if what was his was also mine? My phone buzzed again and I pulled it out. It was another message from Doug.

Not gonna talk right now.

I felt confused before an awful feeling of dread crept across me. Perhaps the Dingo really didn't want to talk and Kurt had disappeared on me too. Kurt could have told Doug something bad about me behind my back. I felt like dropping to my knees and howling in desperation, but as I walked I could see a collection of white tents ahead.

A Wolf & Coyote shoot perhaps?

I knew the idea was absurd as there were no shoots planned that day, and it was merely my desperation of wanting to talk to Kurt that was planting ideas in my head, but I walked on to investigate. As I got closer I realised it was a film set of some sort. That was not unusual since film crews did use the beaches in the area on occasion to shoot footage, whether it was for a movie or an television ad. I sighed and turned to walk away, being around such a hive of activity wasn't appealing right now. I just wanted to be alone. I heard hind-paws crunching along the sand to my left and I turned to see a Border Collie walking along looking rather stressed. "Can I help you?" the Collie asked in a gruff voice. "Um, yeah what's shooting here?" I asked nervously. "Oh, some flick called Stacy and The Spacecats," the Collie replied in a withering tone that suggested he did not think the movie was going to be anything special. I scratched my muzzle, wondering where I had heard that title before. It sounded familiar from somewhere.

I turned to leave but I saw two people walking in the direction from where I had come from. They were silhouetted against the sun, but I could tell one from their outlines that one was a feline and the other possibly a canine. They were deep in conversation about something and I could just make out their voices above the sound of the waves. "That drawing Peter did of the hardware store set was frankly amazing, the best set I have seen in a long time. I think we'll have to keep him here. Man, it was amazing." "Yeah, like so amazing." "The hardware store is a much better set than the NASA control room idea, I mean that was awful, what the hell was he thinking?" "Like totes shit." "Anyway, I've decided to use a brand new avocado wash on my fur, makes it more shiny, especially on the beach with all this salt spray, don't you think?" "Yeah, like so shiny." "Once I've checked on Peter's drawing of the deli where Stacy buys her ham from we should go and eat, but there's no good places around here. Man, I'm craving a cinnamon and cucumber spiced latte. Those are tasty and there's nowhere to buy one outside LA." "Like so tasty." I felt my blood turn to ice. The two figures appeared out of the sunlight as if revealed by some ghastly magic trick and I recognised Justin with Charlene by his side, playing another game on her phone. Justin's mouth opened to say something else to Charlene, but he looked up and noticed me.

I froze.

Adrenaline coursed through me and my heart pounded unpleasantly in my chest as I wondered if the Cheetah would start screeching. Instead, his face broke into a friendly smile as if he had just seen a long lost friend. "Ah Adam, can it really be you?" He said as he walked closer. I glanced around, looking for an escape route. "He came back, I knew he'd come back. Oh I feel so happy." "Yeah, he's like so back." "Adam, this is simply wonderful. Would you like to draw something for me?"

Help.