FSE

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I sat in my desk and stared at the floor. Why was the universe punishing me? Out of everyone in that class, Jude had to be the one assigned to our big group project. Maybe he did it on purpose; he must have talked to the professor or something. My luck couldn't possibly be that bad.

I gazed at the pattern of the cheap school carpeting, focusing on a dark stain that had probably at one time been gum. My brain refused to cooperate any further, so I just watched the groups gather in front of me, unable to do anything else.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. There were four other members of the group. Maybe I wouldn't have to interact with him. I could still keep my distance with that kind of buffer. It would be ok.

I could see the fox's tail enter into my periphery view as he joined the others. My eyes couldn't pull away from the carpet stain.

"Oh god, not that guy," I heard someone say and I felt eyes on me. I pretended not to hear it.

Then the group dispersed, with the exception of Jude. He stepped right on top of the stain.

"Looks like it's just you and me," he said.

I felt something sink inside of me.

"I know it's not ideal, but-"

"I need to pass this class," I interrupted.

"I know. So do I."

I looked up at the fox. He looked concerned, but I felt the hatred well up inside of me the longer I stared. "I don't..." I said. "Just don't..." I didn't know what to do or say. I leaned forward and covered my face. "Fuuuuuuck." I just wanted this to all go away.

"Look," he said, his voice irritating my ears already. "Neither of us want this. But, we don't have much choice. We can either be weird about it, or get the project done and go back to hating each other."

I contemplated in the darkness behind my hands. He was right. There was no avoiding this. The only thing to do is bite the bullet and get it done. I dropped my hands and looked up at him. I wasn't sure I could do it. But, with a sigh, I stood up, grabbed my backpack, and we were on our way to the library.

I hadn't quite accustomed myself to the library at this new school yet. My old college had a much larger one, which I found myself in often as a relief from my crappy apartment. It was quiet, clean, and had late hours, so it proved to be a good escape even when I didn't have homework. Here, I hadn't found the time yet to escape.

We stationed ourselves at a table in the corner, and we set to work. Jude tried to start up polite conversation, but I wasn't in the mood, and only replied to questions dealing with the project. I did take a slight delight in seeing him unhappy. But, realizing my glee in his suffering only made me feel guilty.

As I quietly read a particularly boring section in my book, I found myself watching his paw softly tapping on the table. Despite having seen him a few times now, I really hadn't ever actually looked at him. He truly had not changed much since highschool. He was a little taller, and his face had filled out more in his jaw, but his fur was still the same orange tint, and his eyes still flashed in the same way. It's like the time hadn't had much effect on him. He still had a playful air about him; the carefree attitude that made me so nervous when we first met. His pen tapped on the edge of his book as he focused on whatever he was reading. It was like I was still watching him, on the first project we worked on all those years ago; the project that started it all.

I buried my eyes back in my book as I realized I was gawking at him. My eyes shuffled over the same line of text as I tried to calm myself down. My pulse was surging all the way to my hands.

"You ok?" I heard.

I looked up. The fox was looking at me. I struggled to stay collected. "Yeah." I looked back down at my book. I couldn't even remember where I had left off. I heard the tapping of the pen on his book and I cautiously lifted my eyes enough to see if he was still looking.

I felt lightheaded looking at him again. It was so surreal to have him sitting there. He was an unobtainable object in my life, and now he was just casually sitting there, tapping his pen to some rhythm in his head. I closed my eyes. I felt the summer breeze on my fur, arms wrapped around me, his cheeks gently rubbing up against my antlers. How I longed so badly to feel that again, and he was so close. He was just an arms span away. I could feel him again.

I looked down at my book. No. I couldn't. My entire life was destroyed because of that desire. My family was gone because of him. I was beaten, starved, hospitalized and abandon because I loved that fox. I couldn't let that happen again.

I shifted in my seat and faced away from him.

"I just wanted to inform you," I heard, making me jump and look up at the librarian next to us, "that the library is closing in 15 minutes."

I grabbed my phone. It had barely been two hours. "I forgot they close early on Fridays." The frustration only added fuel to my anger. "I hate this school." I closed my eyes and tried to focus on not screaming at the top of my lungs. When I was centered enough, I opened my eyes again and looked around at the scattering of pages and books we had spread across the table. "I guess we start again tomorrow?"

"I can't, I have a thing," he said.

I felt a burst of rage again. How were we supposed to finish this quickly if we couldn't get it done right away? I opened my mouth to say something, but he beat me to it.

"I... well, I guess, if you're ok with it, we can work at my place tonight? Until we get to a good stopping point, at least." He was avoiding looking at me. "Like old times."

I slammed my book closed. He was setting up a trap again. He was going to put me through it all once more, just for fun. He hadn't changed at all since high school. He just wanted to ruin me again. I quickly packed up my things. The faster I was away from him, the better. I zipped my bag up and left without a word.

My fury was seething from me as I walked out of the library. My mind was turbulent with vicious thoughts; the pain of everything pulsing to my skin like fresh wounds. How could I let myself begin to fall for this all again? After everything, he still managed to get to me. I needed to stop this before it went any further. I stood outside the doors, waiting.

My breath left smoky puffs in front of me in the cool fall air. It floated in front of my face like the cloud of hate filling me inside. Where was he? Why was he taking so long? I leaned up against a light pole, my eyes fixed on the doors.

Then I saw the orange fur and my body lunged forward.

"Fuck you," I heard spill from my mouth. He turned.

"What?" he said, realizing who said it. "Why?"

"Don't you fucking start this faggot ass shit again with me," I said, walking up to the fox. He was shaking. Good.

"Start? ME? YOU are the one who started it! Or do you not remember anything?"

My mind flashed white with fury as I looked down into his face. "Don't you fucking blame this on me!"

"I didn't do shit!"

"The fuck you did!"

"I wasn't the one who fucking broke my heart by moving away without a single word, ON MY GOD DAMN BIRTHDAY! How the hell am I supposed to take that? Huh?"

I tensed my arms and he closed his eyes and winced. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to so badly. I pictured his bloody face and it felt good. It felt good thinking of him in true pain, the same pain I've felt all these years. I glared at him, feeling like a spring about to launch. But more pain wasn't going to help me. He carefully opened his eyes and looked at me. My vision started to blur as my eyes welled up.

"You have no fucking idea what I've been through," I said in a raspy whisper, trying to fight back a sob. I looked his dead in the eyes. "You don't have a single god damn idea of the hell I've endured because of you."

He stared at me for a while. I watched his eyes move around my face, studying me. "What do you mean, Darrick? What did I do?"

"You loved me." I felt a new surge of tears in my eyes.

"And you loved me too." He said. "And then you left me. I have never felt such pain in my life. I missed you, Darrick. I didn't know what to do. What happened?

I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to know what he did. But I couldn't. I turned and wiped my eyes. I felt a paw on my shoulder, and I brushed it away. "I can't. Not now."

"Do you want to come to my place and-"

"NO!" I yelled. "You destroyed my life once; I'm not letting you get the chance again." I stepped back and cleared my eyes again. "I'll fucking finish the project on my own. Fuck off."

I rushed down the sidewalk, needing to be far away from the fox. I didn't know where I was going, but I just kept walking. The sunlight began to fade, and I ended up in an unfamiliar part of town. I sat down on a curb and let my mind go blank. My hands shook in the cold weather. Or maybe it was my emotions. My entire body felt sore.

I could never face Jude again without falling for him. 'Stop what makes you do this' rang in my head. She was right. The fox needed to remain a distant memory. And if that meant doing a six-student project on my own, than that's what needed to be done.

I placed my head against my arms. My headache was getting worse.