FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

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You're alone, you're on your own, so what? Have you gone blind? Have you forgotten what you have and what is yours? Glass half empty, glass half full,

Well either way you won't be going thirsty, Count your blessings not your flaws

You've got it all, you lost your mind in the sound There's so much more, you can reclaim your crown You're in control, rid of the monsters inside your head Put all your faults to bed, you can be king again...

-King (Lauren Aquilina)

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The door slammed behind me I as I found myself pacing back and forth and struggling to breathe, I had made the effort to confront him, ask him why he had been avoiding me, ignoring me, desperate to find some kind of closure to the sudden cold shoulder I knew I had done nothing to deserve, but his emotionless response left me less satisfied and more mystified that he could be so reprehensibly cruel. The pain of trying to gasp still-frozen winter air from the barely thawing February breeze was marked by the wheeze of anxiety that perforated my lungs.

I was angry... I was hurt... I was frustrated, and when I had gone to him I had just been upset, near tears and wanted to be answered 'why?' Had I done something? Said something? Had there been a misunderstanding I wasn't aware of? What happened? I remembered standing in front of him as he had come out of the dorm room, with Trip, Bailey, and asked him if we could talk... I expected an uneasy response of 'maybe later' or that he didn't feel up to it, but what I had gotten was "No. And we're not mates. I have no desire to keep up with you." and when I tried to express, in my hurt and anger that I wanted closure, the fucking bunny ears Yakuza fuck boy answered for him that not everyone was permitted such a thing and walked off like the smug piece of shit he was, along with the whore that had expressed his want to be part of my blood family, had been even permitted to take our name... and the man-child that had gotten me pregnant not once... but three separate times, of which the final one I did not know I was currently growing through.

He left me there, looking stunned, betrayed, and like the light of the world had been stolen from me... the air in my lungs refused to move, and I felt the heat from the tears building, but I could neither scream in outrage, nor wail in grief. I couldn't breathe... but I could run. I don't remember the time it took to leave the University corridors and make my way to the hundreds of climbing steps that lead to the ancient forested shrine, I don't remember even directing myself through the cobblestone walkways or feeling the worn sliding screen as I entered into the room.

I don't remember the flight of my canvases or the rip of their textures when I put my fist through the piece I had been working on for months at a time to soothe my temper... I don't remember the roar of my screams, or the echoing rack of my sobs as I tried to figure out mentally and physically something to match my grief, I didn't remember the fling of the vase near my bedside table, or the crash and clatter of the glass as the vase with the white trumpet lilies hit the wooden floor and the weight of gravity that pulled me down to my knees as everything crashed with me.

I remember /pain/... I remember the gasp and clawing sensation of my lung BURNING as they begged to be given oxygen, for me to exhale, SOMETHING to get them moving again... I was barefoot and there was a shard that had graced the underside of my soft soled foot and gave a physical representation of the emotional and mental anguish I was experiencing, but it wasn't enough of a snap to reality to break me of the dark hold. I sat on the floor and grasped the shard, two inches across and three deep further from the half inch that had stuck my foot so readily, and let the heat of a scarlet flow well onto my fingers, I was trembling, trying to look at my tainted fingers through the tear strain of my eyes and could hear the thundering rush of my pulse in my ears, it was loud... SO loud!

The terror of thunder and flash of lightning was not nearly as loud as the sound of my breaking heart in my ears, and I wanted nothing more than to silence it, my breath was escaping in waves of gasps and pants as my heart was trying to keep up with the flood of adrenaline that made my head throb, and the pressure in my veins rise until the blinding spots of white behind my eyes were too much to bear, I wanted it to stop, I needed a release, and in my hand was the cold and unforgiving smoothness of a blade that offered me an escape, the allure of things just ceasing in that instance was too much of a sensual temptation to resist, and I felt the sting as the edge of the glass slid through my flesh so quickly and easily that there was hardly more than an itch to indicate I had done anything...within minutes, my fingers had gone numb, but it wasn't enough to stop the thunder in my ears... it had quieted... but it was still there.

I was clumsy with the second portion, and could barely keep a grip on the shard and the once clean line of the first slit was made jagged and shaky on the second, every happy memory I had experienced to that point seemed to bleed out with me, and when the thunder had ceased to be, I felt an odd sort of calm wash over me following the dizzying blur of my sight as my breathing slowed. I was able to take in a breath again... and let it go... but I felt like a fish out of water, because now I couldn't get ENOUGH oxygen to satisfy my body.

I was dying... my brain had told me that upon the first lull, and with the second cut my head reminded me that the wine-red color that was spilling over my pants and onto the floor was necessary for me to survive, in one moment I felt great regret for what I had just done, in others, there was a liberating sensation of freedom that I was permitting myself to feel... because the pain was gone, the hurt, the emotion, the anguish... it all left me with that single action and had been replaced with a sluggish sort of sleepiness that coaxed my eyes to close... 'Rest'... was the voice I heard in my mind's eye and felt the comforting embrace of someone that lifted me and kept me cradled close, telling me I had done enough suffering and could be set free... it was warm where I felt the embrace... though the peace was short lived. I heard a different voice screaming... it was muffled and inaudible and I couldn't see the panicked face of the person above me, though I tried... I saw white and pink in a blur, and that feeling of panic once more ensued, but it wasn't my own.

There was pressure on my arms, and the weird weight of a towel being wrapped around my arms and they felt heavy... weighted and cold... I was being demanded to remain alert, but it was hard, because the lulling voice was begging me to sleep. Crying... someone was... crying? They were terrified... they were screaming... but I can't hear what they're saying... I can feel an earthquake, vibrations of feet thundering across my floor, the slight squeak of sneakers that slip in my blood, and then that stomach twisting sensation of gravity being loosed for a brief instant and then dropping back down upon me and that unforgiving cold... a breeze hitting me and someone... holding me... too tight... I can't breathe.

The earthquake isn't stopping, if anything its gotten worse, I feel jolted and bounced without restraint, and there's a shrieking, wailing noise, it's too bright... I can't see. Flashes of red are crossing my vision and there's something being put over my face, my nose and chin... I don't want it... I can't breathe... it's smothering! I want to lift my hands to shove it off, but I can't FEEL them... it's still bouncing, but I feel something soft under me, and thick bands holding me down, I can see, barely, a line of some kind going down to my elbow... there are people talking, I can tell they're cursing... or complimenting how thorough I was... they can't find a vein that hasn't been destroyed.

I'm bleeding faster than they can feed, and their fighting time, racing to see who has the better speed. I'm tired... my head is no longer pounding, but it has nothing to pound with... I'm so tired... There's a noise... things had gone dark for a while, and it was quiet, I didn't dream, but then again is there anything I wanted to dream about? It's bright again, glaring white lights and people are surrounding me, a rhythmic 'beep, beep, beep', slow and quiet, and someone yelling at me to hold on... why? I don't want to hold on... How much time has passed since he left me there? Can anyone see the clock? How long have I been lying here?

It's cold... but there's no metal underneath me... it's not a morgue... where am I? Someone turned on the lights, and my already pained eyes are once more flashed by unforgiving white, and someone is grasping my face and forcing my eyelids open, more white... they're speaking but it's muffled, something about responding... I want to speak but my throat is dry and raw... and when I swallow there's a choking amount of pressure, from the inside, and that noise! That FUCKING NOISE! Beep. Beep. Beep. Like Poe's raven mocking Nevermore. Turn it off! Please? Turn it off...

The funny thing about slipping in and out of consciousness is the lack of ability to tell time, days bleed into nights, and nights turn into days as easily as closing my lashes to blink, but when I've next woken up, I can see the pristine, and sterile walls of a hospital room... it's empty, just me... the bed, and being strapped down. I turned my head, or tried to, in an effort to see what they had done to me... there are bandages on my arms, leading from my wrists to the inside of my elbows... there are clear IV lines, and one that is dark red, being churned in a machine that feeds into the artery I hadn't cut into...

I want to reach and pull it out, but my arms feel heavy and my fingers are numb, when I attempted to roll to one side, I found myself stuck fast and looked down... they had tied me to the bed, sheepskin restraints were keeping me still but they couldn't put them on my wrists because I had injured them... why? Why am I here?! Why couldn't you have left me? I was happy!!! ...I think... I was... It was peaceful...it was quiet... it didn't hurt anymore... I gave up... I fell back against the bed and lay there, I cried silently because the tube in my mouth that was helping me breathe didn't give me any other choice...

I stared at the ceiling and felt the hot sting of my tears fall from my eyes, and angrily thought... I don't want to be here anymore.