FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

The alarm forgot I'm out of a job.

At least it's a good reminder for Adrian to call in again and maintain his off-work-for-medical-reasons status.

In spite of the early alarm - and those few seconds after waking in which I made the mistake of thinking I was still employed - sleep has revived me. That and leftover pizza. You can't beat leftover pizza.

Munching away at it I realize I have a surprisingly packed itinerary for my first day redundant: job hunting, meeting Eve, calling Ryan, generally supporting Adrian and I need to go grocery shopping at some point, preferably sometime before I starve to death, though that does leave a wide margin.

Maybe I should feel drained, or overwhelmed, but for one reason or another I'm feeling determined more than anything else. I aim to hang on to that feeling as long as I can.

Adrian made his call when we were in bed as I sat beside him, not having any immediate reason to get up. He did sleep naked after all. I found that out as he stood up and stretched after the call, saying he'd make us some coffee. He gave me a slightly guilty-looking apologetic glance when he caught my wide eyed stare transfixed on his bare body.

"Sorry," he'd said. "I'm used to sleeping naked."

I'd told him there was no reason to apologize for giving me a wonderful view in the morning. He beamed at me. He had a certain sway to his hips and tail as he left the room too, no doubt deliberately to show off his well-sculpted butt and, I have to admit, succeeding wonderfully. Good thing he didn't notice my morning wood.

Then again, maybe that wasn't such a good thing. It took a real effort to quell my arousal without giving in to it and the thought of Adrian helping me out along the way did nothing to dissolve my horniness.

With some effort I managed to soften before joining the fox for coffee and pizza. The perfect combination of morning sustenance. I wish every day could start like this.

Adrian's still naked and it quickly reignites the heat and firmness a certain, disobedient part of me was experiencing. But, I don't mind that so much either, given that for now I can easily hide it under the table as we sit and eat.

I talk through my plans for the day with him while he deals with the empty mugs and pizza boxes. I would help but he wouldn't let me; he said I was allowing him to stay here so it's the least he can do, plus I think he wanted another opportunity to strut around naked in front of me.

"So yeah, that should keep me busy for the day."

Finishing his set of chores he turns to me.

"No doubt. I'm happy, and maybe slightly surprised, to see that you're in such high spirits about everything."

I grin and shrug. "I needed that sleep."

He nods, puts a finger to the end of his muzzle and makes a humming sound.

"Did you even sleep at all the night before?"

"Well, no." I admit, sheepishly.

He finds a sullen look as he stares at me. I try and maintain eye contact despite half-wanting to drop my gaze to his dangling balls and sheath. There's something about casual nudity that really does it for me.

"Oh, Kalie, I'm sor-" he cuts himself off and shakes his head, knowing I neither want or need an apology. "I'm glad you slept better last night at least."

Done with food and wrapping up the conversation I get up and stretch my arms, letting out a colossal yawn. "Me too. Now, I should go shower and get on with the day."

He doesn't respond immediately and when I follow his line of vision I see his gaze focused on my tented underwear. I'd been wearing this boner so long I half forgot I had it.

"M-morning wood?" He asks, somewhat absurdly, through a momentary stammer. Surely he knew his nudity would have an effect on me.

"That, and I was enjoying the show," I say with a laugh. Then, realizing how awkward this might be for him I add: "sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" He blurts out, incredulous. He makes a little squeak then turns away, muttering something about a wet patch. I look down and see what he means, there's a little dark patch on the front of my underwear where some pre must have soaked through. "Just get that thing away from me honey or I might just die of thirst."

So that's how it is.

Maybe I should do as he says. Maybe I shouldn't be so blasé about all this considering my complicated relationship non-status. Maybe I shouldn't do things that might offer false hope to him. Maybe the oral I gave the other night is normalizing something that I should be more cautious of and maybe I shouldn't make it a trend.

But maybe this early in the morning I don't care. And maybe the two of us doing something we both enjoy with one another isn't a bad thing after all.

"What kind of host would I be if I let my guest go thirsty?"

Before I know quite what I'm doing my left paw is slowly, casually rubbing my hardness through the thin material of my underwear.

Adrian turns his neck instantly upon hearing my words, wide-eyed. His shocked stare and crooked mouth asks the question for him: are you serious?

I nod slowly, then with my free paw point toward the living room.

When he turns I'm treated to the sight of his own eager member, stiff and excited, and a bestial desire rises within me.

"You know," I begin, "I haven't cum in two days."

"Two whole days?" He asks wryly and wholly rhetorically. "Impressive."

I growl low and his sarcasm melts away in an instant.

Soon enough I'm on the sofa and he's on his knees, muzzle buried between my legs, tongue treating me like royalty. I grunt and moan in unimpeded pleasure.

"You're a damn good fox, aren't you?" I ask, ruffling his hair and letting out another growl.

He responds only with noises muffled by the cock obstructing his throat, just as I'd expected.

His tongue is like magic. It's as though it knows exactly where to go, how long to be there for and how gentle or forceful it should be at any given moment. His bobbing muzzle slurps greedily at my length, earning occasional spurts or dribbles of pre that are then near-instantaneously lapped up by his tongue-of-wonders.

To say he's an expert would be an understatement.

"Fuck, I'm not going to last long like if you carry on like this," I gasp out, floating in ecstasy. I'm not lying, even though I wish this could go on forever.

He deep-throats me and let's me fuck his muzzle for a considerable and impressive amount of time before he has to pull away for comfort and air. He's so fucking good at this, it's mind-boggling.

"Better than last time?" He asks with a lustful, confident grin.

"No question," I confirm without need for hesitation. It hasn't actually been so long since I last had his muzzle and the memory of the foursome we enjoyed together only adds to my current pleasure. "Though you were amazing then, too."

"I'm even better without distractions," he remarks, playfully referring, I assume, to Ryan and Marty.

"I won't argue with a professional."

He laughs then makes a low, lusty hum, staring at my glistening wet manhood.

"God, I want that buried in my ass so bad. If it weren't for this damn arm..." He laughs again. "That's assuming you'd be up for it in the first place."

In the midst of lust my answer is clearer than day.

"Obviously."

"I would say we should do it anyway but I'm scared I'd do something stupid or lose grip with only one arm to keep me steady, or that I'd somehow bash this useless thing," he says waving his bound left arm. "And I don't want that. I want it healed as soon as possible."

"That makes perfect sense, though it is a shame. But don't you worry foxy, your muzzle is doing wonderful work already."

He licks my length, sending a shiver through my body and only further proving my point.

"Still, it's a shame to miss out on an opportunity like that for what might be the last time," he lets his tongue trace the tip of my dick as he thinks. "Can you just promise, if you settle in with one of those two and ever decide you want to be more sexually open, or have a threesome some time, or whatever... just promise you'll think of me."

"Don't act dumb Adrian. You'd be at the top of my list," I say with all seriousness. His ears perk up and his tail wags. "Now be a good fag and work for that load."

Then I'm deep in his throat again and the world melts away. His right paw takes turns groping various parts of me - my thighs, my balls, my belly - as his muzzle and tongue work away at my length. It's only a matter of seconds until I can feel orgasm threatening its approach once more. I was even more pent up than I realized.

At some point my paws end up on the back of his head again and I'm thrusting up into his needy, slutty muzzle. The good fox takes the length of my cock over and over without resistance or discomfort, eagerly working for and awaiting his reward.

"Fuck, foxy, your muzzle is... mmf."

My words dissolve into sounds and moans and I can feel myself finishing.

"I'm gonna- fff."

I can't even finish the sentence, so enraptured in a cascade of feeling. He stays strong and steady and his tongue remains adventurous and flexible even as I relentlessly pound his throat, inching ever closer and closer to climax until-

With a moaning sigh of pure fulfillment I loosen my grip on his head and shoot my load down the back of his throat. Unsurprisingly, the thirst foxy stays put until my extended, shuddering orgasm is over and he has swallowed every last drop of my seed. When he finally pulls way he bobs back down to lick and suck at me a last few times to ensure no errant molecule of cum could have possibly escaped him.

"And just earlier I was thinking to myself: there's no better breakfast than pizza," he remarks casually, licking around his muzzle in further effort to capture every last possible atom of ejaculate.

I narrow my eyes for a moment then burst into laughter.

"I was thinking the exact same thing. I'd still choose pizza, myself."

"Perfect, that means more cock for me then." He winks, then gets off his knees to sit beside me on the sofa. His own length is hard and hungry for pleasure.

"So I'm not allowed any of this?" I ask, brushing his length with the back of my paw.

Even that is enough to elicit a gasp and a twitch from him. He looks into my eyes needily like the good little bitch he is.

He brings out my most dominant side so damn easily.

"Do you want it?" He asks, sounding surprisingly meek and unsure considering what has just transpired.

I don't answer with words.

I think my tongue lapping at his cock means I don't need to.

*

Afterward I helped Adrian wash,, which he graciously accepted. Unlike last time my proximity to his nakedness didn't devolve into further sex, the two of us were already well satisfied.

Once that was done I finally took my own shower, utterly relieved; spent and full at the same time.

As I cleaned myself, dried and dressed, my mind flipped back and forth in chaotic motions as I tried to reconcile with this morning's events. Doing all that with Adrian set off a chain reaction in my head.

I shouldn't have done it. I was thinking with my dick, being a total moron. It'll give him false expectations. Or maybe he'll feel like I'm using him. Maybe he'll think I'm taking it as some kind of payment for him staying here. Things were finally settling between us, I felt like he was finally coming to terms with us staying just friends and now...

Then again maybe I'm making a fuss over nothing. He was clear on the situation and this doesn't change anything. This was just us having some fun together, relieving some tension, as friends. For fuck's sake we've had enough hardship and horror recently, I shouldn't beat myself up for allowing the two of us to forget all about it for a while and give in to our base desires. It was just a bit of good-natured fun.

Yet it still doesn't sit quite right with me.

Finally fully clothed I make my way to the computer desk with the intention of sorting out my resume. I pass Adrian where he's sat in the living room, tapping at his phone slightly awkwardly with his one spare hand. A pang of guilt shoots through me when I see him, doubting my earlier actions and intentions. I find it difficult to maintain eye contact as he speaks.

"Hey Kale, all freshened up?"

"Uh, yeah." I notice my awkwardness as soon as I speak and do my best to quell it. "Hey, Adrian, when did you say you're getting the bandages off?"

"My arm feels mostly okay already, a bit numb I guess, but apparently I have to wait until tomorrow before they'll bust me out."

I nod thoughtfully.

I don't know whether I should bring this up now, but I can't exactly hold it back forever.

"Oh, by the way, Marty called last night and sort of invited me over later in the week. He said you should come to."

Maybe reminding him about Marty, and Ryan by association, will cement that our little fun earlier was just that, fun, and nothing else.

"He wanted me there? Are you sure?"

"Yeah, he told me to invite you."

"But, I mean, why?"

"He said he enjoyed meeting you and that he'd like the chance to see you again." I hesitate. "But, in case you're worried you'll get in the way, he told me we weren't going to treat it like a date. I told him about my job, and that there have been other important things coming up in my life. He said he understands if I don't want to make a decision on the two of them, and that no matter what he'd like to remain friends."

Adrian turns back to his phone.

I start to wonder whether he'll even bother responding, but as I'm about to leave him to his thoughts he speaks.

"He sounds like a great guy," his voice is kind, but cold.

I let out a sigh.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to."

"That's not what I said."

"Adrian..."

"I'm all grown up now Kale, I can deal with my own drama." He lets out a sudden laugh. "Though these bandages might suggest otherwise."

"Well..." I struggle to put my thoughts in order. "There's no rush on deciding, we were thinking of meeting Friday. Just let me know if you want to tag along by then."

"Will do." He pauses, then turns to me once more. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"For making everything more difficult."

"Adrian you're not-"

"I get it, I get it. I know what you're going to say. Just let me apologize, please. If only for my own peace of mind."

I grimace and flick my tail.

"Fine, I accept your most gracious apology."

He smiles. It's sunny, cute, infectious. I can't help but join in.

"Thanks Kalie."

"Nothing to thank me for, anyway what do you have planned for the day seeing as you're still lazing around here instead of going into work?"

He acts out a look of distress, as though hideously offended at my teasing words.

"How dare you make such an attack against my character?" He laughs. "To be entirely honest, I'm not sure. I could lend an ear and some thoughts for your new resume and any applications you're gonna make. I'll think about updating mine too, since I want to get out of that hellhole as soon as possible. Apart from that though? I dunno, I was considering lying on this sofa all day."

He wears a cheeky grin that can't help but make me chuckle.

"Really?"

"Well, that and helping you out with any tasks you might need sorting. Maybe I could pick some groceries up for you."

"Only if you'll let me pay."

"I'm the one with the job remember."

"Don't care. Plus how are you going to carry a load of groceries with that one faggy arm of yours?"

"Good point. At least let me come with you if you go."

"Deal."

With that I finally find my way to my computer, feeling a little better about things between the two of us. It's only after an hour or so of struggling with refining and updating my resume that I realize I'd forgotten something.

I was going to call Ryan.

I grab my phone from where I'd left it charging in the bedroom, scowling at the cracked screen and the emotionally charged memories of listening to Adrian's voicemail that come with it.

I think back to how Ryan was acting yesterday and a rush of anxiety flows over me. I hope he's okay. I should have called sooner. I should have-

Calm down Kale.

He picks up on the third ring.

"Kale, hey!" His voice is enthusiastic but restrained.

"Hey Ryan," I called without really knowing what to say. "How have you been?"

He exhales.

"I don't know. Weird. How about you?"

I exhale.

"I don't know. Weird."

There's a silence, but not an awkward one.

"Thanks for calling, Kale. I really appreciate it."

"Don't mention it. I want you, well, I want everyone I care about to know I'm there for them when they need me."

"That's a comforting thought. You're a wonderful, caring guy Kale, I'm glad I met you."

I brush off the compliment. "I'm glad I met you too. Anyway, Ryan, you really didn't seem right when I last saw you. Something was bothering the hell out of you. Tell me what's up, I've got as much time as you need."

He makes a noncommittal murmur before speaking up.

"It's a lot of things, or, it's kind of nothing. Well, no, it's... it's..."

"There's no rush Ryan," I say, doing my best to project a calm and clear image of myself. In reality my anxiety only builds at hearing the husky's clear discomfort, but I'm determined to make this work.

"I just don't want you to think badly of me, or think that I'm trying to..." He trails off and lets out a frustrated growl "This is difficult."

"If something's upset you, or if something's happened then you should tell me. I'm not going to judge you Ryan."

His emotions seem to bubble up slowly, then they burst out in a single expressively spoken statement.

"It's about Marty."

A pit opens up in my stomach.

"Marty?"

"Fuck, I shouldn't have said that, not yet."

"What do you mean?"

"I thought I could do this over the phone, but I was wrong." His words are rushed, almost frantic. "Fuck, pretend I didn't say anything okay?"

"Hey, slow down Ryan. Let's talk this through."

What the hell is going on with those two?

What has Marty done to make Ryan feel this way?

Why the fuck do I keep getting caught in the middle of it?

I run a paw down my face.

I can hear him breathing heavily down the phone, as if panicked.

"I don't know. I'm probably overreacting. I don't-" He cuts himself off. "Look, I think I'd feel more comfortable if we were talking in person. I don't want to keep you on the phone, talking your ear off about nothing. And I think I'd feel calmer if you were here with me. I just... I don't know. I'm wasting your time, sorry."

I feel my whole body tense up.

"No. Don't say that. You're not wasting my time Ryan. Something's clearly wrong and I'm here to help make it right, or at least to listen. Even if that has to be at a different time or a different place. Just don't hold it in too long, okay?"

He lets out an extended, heavy breath and seems to calm a little.

"Okay. Thank you. So much. Just promise you won't hate me for making a fuss about nothing okay?"

"I promise Ryan. Even if you rant at me about something ludicrous for five hours, if it makes you feel better I'll see it as a productive use of my time."

He lets out a timid laugh and our conversation thaws.

We decide to meet tomorrow afternoon and, with him saying he'd rather it be somewhere private, I invite him to my place. I don't mention Adrian, it would only complicate things, but I don't reckon it will be difficult to get him out of the house for a few hours if necessary. He'll be getting his bandages removed and might want to move back to his place anyway.

The thought leaves me with mixed emotions. I'll miss being so close to him when he's gone, but it will make life simpler. Maybe that's exactly what I need.

Off the phone I shake off the conversation and do my best to stick my worries about Ryan into a corner of my mind. I return to making applications but it's not long until my stomach won't let me continue. I'm hungry and there's nothing in.

I call out to Adrian and ask if he's up for getting some groceries. He's eager and willing and we head out within minutes. It's nice to simply hang out with him as we journey out, making small talk about games and music and movies and having a while to not worry about anything else.

Being a smooth-talking fox, he somehow manages to talk me down to only paying for half the groceries, but I'm at least proud he didn't manage to talk me down to nothing.

At the counter with a couple baskets full of food and supplies, and almost without realizing it, I end up buying a pack of cigarettes. Adrian doesn't blink an eye, of course he doesn't. I haven't told him I'm quitting. Really, I haven't even told myself I'm quitting.

I guess I'm not.

I light one up on the walk back , my paws struggling with the lighter as they shake and jitter. I can't tell if it's the anticipation, some kind of withdrawal symptom or something else entirely. Adrian rolls his eyes as I take my first drag. It's nothing out of the ordinary, he's never approved, always wanted me to quit, always looked out for me.

Inhale. Exhale.

Feels like heaven. Feels like coming home after a long day's work.

I hate it.

Fuck, what am I doing killing myself like this? Draining my health and my bank account for nothing more than a hit of chemicals that calm and satiate me for nothing more than a matter of minutes.

I take another drag. And another.

It would be so easy to lose myself in this again. So easy to continue the habit, to chase that feeling over and over again. It would be so easy.

A trash can passes us by. I swear I was so fucking close to stopping and stubbing out my cigarette and throwing the whole damn pack away. Instead I kept walking.

More drags, more chatter about lunch - Adrian decided he wants to cook for us - more drags, more walking.

I finish the cigarette before we're back and while it satisfies my immediate cravings part of me is disgusted. Another part of me wants to immediately light up another one. Neither part seems to actually accomplish much.

Minutes turn to hours in moments, we eat and I send out applications, confirm my meeting time with Eve, and do my best to avoid smoking again. But why? I'm not quitting, never was.

Staring at my computer screen, relentlessly attempting to put my professional life back in order is starting to get to me. I've done a decent amount of work already today and I'll be meeting Eve soon and those two excuses seem just about reasonable enough to justify me doing something else. It's that or be driven insane by pure repetition and boredom and overthinking and...

I stand up, run a paw through my hair, walk to the kitchen and down a glass of water.

I pour another glass.

Today started well, I was clear headed and determined and...

Without really even noticing it until now I find my head full. There's a dozen quiet voices vying for my attention, telling me to worry and think and reason and take action and...

I down a second glass. I didn't realize how thirsty I was.

I pour another one.

So there's my job or lack thereof, my fractured if fruitful romantic life, everything with Adrian, he loves me, he almost killed himself, I let him suck my dick, was that okay, I'm still smoking and I hate it, there's whatever's going on with Ryan, not to mention Marty... I wonder if I can still get a good reference from my ex-workplace after what I said to Dom, I wonder if my fox will hurt himself again, is Eve really okay, why didn't she answer those calls from Adrian when he was in trouble, Adrian made it clear she was hiding something from me, and why did I buy another pack of cigarettes, I need another job, Adrian wants a new job too and I should help him, and am I giving him false expectations with our continued sexual contact, with him sleeping naked in my bed, and I can't keep Marty and Ryan hanging like this, they need an answer so they can move forward, truth is I don't even fucking know if I want either of them anymore after all this fucking... No, I need a minute, and my stomach doesn't feel so good, and...

I pull another cigarette from the pack and shove it between my teeth. I've been holding a lot inside myself haven't I?

Or am I just a dumb, whiny bitch?

I wasn't good enough to prevent Adrian's pseudo suicide attempt. He almost died and now I'm whining about my life?

My paws are shaking, I'm pathetic.

I head to my bedroom and crack open a window, leaning my head out, clutching my lighter.

Are you okay Kale?

How do you feel?

...

How do I feel?

...

How do I fucking feel?

Are you kidding?

I feel...

I feel...

...

I spit my cigarette out, head still leaning out the open window, then pull the almost-full pack out my pocket and throw it outside.

For just a second I stare dumbfounded as they plummet to the sidewalk two stories below, then I pull my head inside, bury it in my paws and let out a loud, guttural growl full of anguish and frustration.

A couple seconds later Adrian is in the doorway brandishing an expression somewhere between concern and shock.

"Kale, are you okay?"

Am I okay?

I can't think.

"To be honest Adrian, I have no idea."

Where did this all come from?

Why now?

What does it...

Deep breaths.

He comes closer and slowly, gently embraces me in his one-armed hug.

I nestle my head into his shoulder and pull him close, wrapping my arms around him.

I guess maybe I'd been so wrapped up in everyone else's drama I wasn't paying enough attention to how I've been. Maybe.

I don't know if I want to give myself that much credit just yet.

I guess now I'm gonna have to explain all this to Adrian. He'll laugh at me I'm sure. Call me a drama queen, and I'll deserve it. No, I know he'll be supportive, he always is, but that's only because he loves me. I'm not worth it.

"You surprised me Kale."

"Yeah. I'm sorry for yelling out like that."

"No, not that - well, it made me jump - but what surprises me so much is that it's taken all this time and you've been through all this drama and difficulty and it's only now that you're showing any wear and tear." He let's out a dry chuckle. "You're incredibly strong Kale. It's genuinely astounding to me. I want you to know that. I..." He stops, and grunts. "You're amazing Kale. Don't doubt that."

I don't know what to say, so I say nothing.

I think I'm crying. He pats my back and keeps me close.

The voices in my head grow quiet and stop. I don't need to worry right now. I'm safe. I'm okay.

Eventually I pull away and stare into the fox's golden eyes.

"Thank you Adrian, really."

He shakes his head.

"Nonsense. There's nothing to thank me for, sometimes you just need a reminder of how things are. You care so much for the people around you I think you sometimes forget to care for yourself."

"You say that, but I failed you when you needed me most..."

His jaw clenches tight before he speaks.

"You were busy, under a lot of stress... Sure, if you want to look at it that way I can't stop you. But you can't be perfect. Nobody can."

I nod slowly. His words not fully sinking in but their calming effect starting to at least take some action.

"Adrian."

"Yeah?"

"I threw my pack of cigarettes out the window."

He tilts his head and half-opens his mouth, then walks over to the open window and peeks out. He laughs, loudly. I look to the side and sigh before laughing quietly to myself.

"Do you want me to go get them?"

As if I'd make _him_do it!

"No, of course not."

"I'll come with you anyway."

"No, I mean..." Part of me wants to run down and outside and pick them up and chain smoke the whole pack, but, no. "I'm done with that."

He takes a second, and looks at me oddly, his tail swishes a single time.

"Done with smoking?"

I talk before I think it through.

"I think so, yeah."

He smiles wide. As usual, it's infectious.

"I- That's amazing. Why now?"

There's no point in lying.

"The idea of doing that to myself, killing myself slowly with that addiction... I can't face that anymore." Adrian stares at me, unflinching, quiet. "I don't know, maybe it's a strange reason, but after what happened with you I just- I can't do it."

He's still for a while, then nods slowly a few times.

"I get it." His visage is overcome by a dark sneer. "At least one good thing came from all that then."

Yet again, I don't know what to say. Thinking too much about that day, about finding Adrian like that, sets a blinding shroud off in my mind. The events of that day are like a thick, abrasive fog, muddying everything around them and pulling down my mood alongside.

It's too much for me.

Maybe Adrian's right. If that alone is more than I can happily handle then it's pretty damn impressive that I was able to keep that, and a whole host of other concerns and problems kicking around my head simultaneously without breaking down earlier. Not that I hadn't encountered any problems. Panic, lack of sleep, lack of focus... but I'm okay now. I'm okay, at least for the moment.

He's probably right that I should care for myself more, but the idea seems backwards in my head. How can I put myself first when there are so many others who need me to stay strong for them? I don't know that I can.

But for now, I'm okay. I had a chance to let it all out and talk to Adrian. He calmed me down and set me straight.

I'll make it through.

"Thanks for being you," I say eventually.

He smiles a weary smile and we embrace again. I wrap my tail around him and he flinches. After a pause he wraps his around me too.

*

I end up jogging most of the way to Eve's, my little outburst and the time spent with Adrian caused me to leave later than I'd have liked. I make it there in decent time but I'm so out of breath I wait for a minute outside her house, panting, before I knock.

One exhausted voice in my mind yells at me, asking for a cigarette, another yells saying if I hadn't been a smoker then I wouldn't be so exhausted in the first place.

"Eve, hey!" I exclaim as the door swings open, having for the most part recovered my breath. She's dressed in a slightly less random assortment of clothes today, she seems to have put more thought into what she's wearing and gone for a sort of casually elegant look with simple, well tailored pieces. I wonder whether she'll get changed again for her date tonight or not. Either way her anticipation of it has doubtless encouraged her to dress more deliberately.

Before she even says a word she's wrapping her arms around me and squeezing hard. Her grip is surprisingly tight considering her relatively petite stature, but I give as good as I get. Soon she pushes me away and laughs, tilting her head to indicate me to come inside and make myself at home.

She offers drinks and we start with small talk, but it runs out quickly, both of us having more on our minds. We sit on the plush sofas in her living room and get down to business.

We talk about my job searching briefly and in return I ask her about her date tonight.

"How excited are you?"

"Excited, or nervous?"

"Well, Which is it?"

She throws her paws up and rolls her eyes. "Both is probably the most accurate answer. But really I'm sure it will go just fine. We've been keeping up with each other and we even had a quick call earlier today. I kinda feel like I know him already. I'm looking forward to it."

"That's awesome, really. It sounds like the two of you can't get enough of each other."

She makes a dismissive noise and turns her face away, smiling. Gotcha.

It really is great to see her so happy and enamored. I'm used to her being energetic and supportive and upbeat, but this is different. It's more personal, more, I dunno, authentic.

She's so damn cute with that smile. For a single fleeting moment a sense of jealousy overcomes me. She has another wolf in her life now.

It fades as suddenly as it arrives. I love her, but I don't want her like that. It's a purely selfish reaction to seeing somebody I care about finding an ultimate form of happiness in someone else. Someone I don't even know.

My stomach sinks. How dare I feel jealously, even for a single moment? Imaging how she feels about me when I get a boyfriend or have a fling. She was in love with me. And Adrian? It can only be worse for him. There's no way in hell I can feel sorry for myself about any of this. The truth is, I'm the lucky one.

"Well," Eve's voice is a welcome light that cuts through the fog of my shrouded mind. "I haven't had much of a sex life recently, surely you can't blame a me for being a little voracious."

"Gonna give it all up on the first date, huh?"

She leers at me.

"Of all people in the world to ask me that question..."

I burst into laughter.

"I didn't say I'd judge you for it."

"I know you wouldn't wolf boy, but seriously, I didn't say I'd do that. We'll see. I'm just demonstrating another reason for my excitement slash anxiety."

"Scared to admit how much you like him? And hey, where has your timidity gone? Yesterday you were getting all hot and bothered when we made jokes about you two banging."

She shoots me a sarcastic smile.

"I guess I realized there's no escaping that kind of conversation between the three of us so I may as well join in. And I'm happy to admit I'm into him, I just don't want you getting too worried about there being another wolf in my life."

"Nonsense," I say, waving away her words, not bringing up my moment of jealousy. "But I would like to meet him. I know, I know, it's only your first date. But if things go well, don't be shy about him!"

"I won't be."

"And no matter what happens tonight you have to tell me everything."

She bathes me in a warm, knowing smile and her tail repositions to curl a little ways around her legs.

"Oh come on, you already know that's happening."

We laugh and then joke around for a while longer before the conversation thins.

Honestly, I have a lot on my mind - as if that wasn't clear from earlier - but it's not just that. There's a lot I need to talk to Eve about and most of it isn't easy. It's only been a matter of days since we had some real, extended one-on-one time but things have been happening so fast that we haven't had a chance to keep up.

"How have you been anyway, Kale? Any plans for tonight?"

"Not really. And as for how I've been, well... I'm holding up okay, just about. But I did throw some things out a window earlier and growl at the top of my lungs for no material reason." I admit, almost casually, not knowing how else to bring it up. She freezes and eyes me intently. I explain about how overwhelmed I realized I had been, about my outburst and Adrian consoling me, about smoking, about still feeling overwhelmed even now as I speak as I think as I-

She tells me she understands. That it's okay to feel how I feel. That I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. It helps, not a lot, but it helps. It makes me feel that tiny bit less like a total fuck up.

It's clear that there's more on my mind and she asks. I bring up the train dream. The train that kept traveling but had no stops. The one from last week that I mentioned to Adrian. She listens to the whole trippy story in silence, seemingly enraptured by the nonsensical tale of my subconscious mind.

"At the end all I could think was: I'm too late." I pause and shake my head. "I don't know why, but it keeps coming back to me. I know it's just a dream, it can't mean much, but still I... Don't worry I'm not about to start believing in omens or visions or any of that shit, I just thought - I don't know - I thought I'd ask you if you have any thoughts on it, I guess."

She takes a little while to respond. She unfolds her arms, takes a sip of her drink, tilts her head.

"Like you say, it's a dream. Sometimes dreams are truly random and pointless - I'm sure a lot of it was meaningless - but dreams do contain elements of our subconscious thought. Maybe it was all shit, but since it stuck with you maybe there's something to it. If we're to suppose it had any meaning, my guess is it's your subconscious telling you not to waste the time you have. You're telling yourself that you need to make good use of the opportunities you have right now. Maybe the train having no stops represents some kind of fear. Perhaps a fear that you have no good options, or that whatever you do you're going to hurt somebody you care about or even yourself, but at the same time you have to make a choice or that dream, or nightmare, will come true. It will be too late."

I'm quiet as I take it all in. What if she's right? Is that what I've been telling myself this whole time? Actually it's more than that, even if that dream meant nothing she's right.

"Ryan and Marty..."

"You've kept on stringing them along through all the drama surrounding you, but that string will wear out eventually."

Something about the conversation triggers an intense anxiety reaction inside of me.

"I just don't know what to do. I like so much about both of them, but they keep arguing and I can't really trust them and I..." What was I going to say? Something niggling that I can't put into words, or that I haven't, or. I can quite grasp it no matter how hard I try. "I... I don't know."

She shrugs.

"Well, you need to figure it out for yourself. Do you have plans to see them again?" She asks. I nod. "Maybe that will help you find a clear answer. Or maybe the truth is neither of them are right for you. You can stay single if you want to wolf boy, that is an option."

I rest my head in my paws.

"Fuck, Eve, the genuine, honest truth is that I don't know what I want," I lament.

"I know that feeling."

"I had sex with Adrian again earlier."

Her eyes widen.

"Okay, I don't know _that_feeling."

"It was only oral. He sucked me off and I returned the favor."

"Go on, lay down the details. You know I feed off of this stuff. It's what sustains me."

"I don't know if I should have done it Eve. I feel like maybe I'm leading him on, that I'm giving him false expectations or something."

She pauses and taps her fingers against her chin rhythmically. Her eyes shoot wide open for a moment and she makes a little hum as though in questioning thought, or perhaps realizing something.

Finally she speaks. "I have a couple questions. I'm just not sure in which order I should ask them."

"Eve. Come on." I'm exasperated.

"Alright, alright. Have you made it very clear to Adrian that you aren't after him?"

"Yes. At least, I think so. I mean, yes."

"Then those fears you're having are foolish. He's a smart fox. He understands what's happening. Maybe part of him will hope you'll have a change of heart, but that's only natural, and as long as we're there for him when he needs us he'll be fine."

I nod slowly.

"Okay, yeah. I guess you're right. Do you still have another question?"

Her paws mingle and fiddle nervously.

"I guess what I wanted to ask is this: have you made it very clear to yourself that you aren't after him?"

A ball of moths flutter around my stomach, I feel queasy.

"Eve, he and you are my best friends in the world, I wouldn't trade anything for that." She stares icicles into me. "Of course Eve. It's crystal clear. It wouldn't work."

She stares a little longer, then suddenly finds a lopsided smile and exhales.

"Good. It's good to know where you stand. Sorry if it felt like I was being invasive."

"No, it's nothing. You're just being a good friend, as always." A thought hits me suddenly. "Oh, fuck, wait."

"What is it?"

"I never really told you about the date I had with Marty, did I?"

Her face lifts.

"No, not in any real detail. The next time we talked we were busy with Adrian. I was wondering if you'd ever get around to telling me about it."

Without further ado I fill her in about the whole thing. The cocaine, the revelation about Marty's money, Konroy family ties and lifestyle, how that fits in with Ryan, his accusations about the husky and the lack of trust between them as their relationship has seemed to wear thin. I mentioned the end of the date, as Ryan burst in and the two got to arguing and I got the hell out of there, and I mention the run in I had with each of them yesterday, as well as the call with Ryan today. It's enough already to have her on the edge of her seat, intently listening and offering snippets of her raw reactions, but I save the best for last. As I tell her about the fact that Marty rimmed and fucked me on our date the effect is fast and fierce.

"No!"

"Yes," I scratch the back of my head. "I would like to remind you I was under the influence of drugs."

"Oh my fucking god, you bottomed for him?"

"I did. And how are you finding this more shocking than the fact he's Konroy blood?"

"That's crazy too, but damn wolf boy, you letting him do all that to you... That's a hell of a mental image! That's enough to keep me going for quite a while. If I don't end up getting any tonight, that'll be my go-to fap material for sure." She licks her muzzle exaggeratedly and then giggles almost manically.

I must be wearing some kind of ridiculous, bewildered expression because she bursts into laughter just looking at me.

"I'm joking, my dear friend." She says, immediately undermining her words by winking at me. "For the most part."

"Eve!"

"What? Imagining your ass getting ravaged is pretty hot!"

I grumble under my breath but she just ignores me.

Soon enough she manages to calm down, and after offering her take on the events of the date - warning me to be cautious around the two of them seeing as their relationship is struggling, and reaffirming my stance that neither of them can be entirely trusted quite yet as they've both accused the other of untruths - she fetches us each another drink, this time offering beer. I tease her that she'll be driving soon enough and it's back to her staring icicles into my skull as she reminds me it's only one drink and she has quite a while before she has to leave. We start them off with a clink of our bottles and soon she offers me sustenance in the form of a cookie.

"You're always trying to fatten me up for some reason aren't you Eve?"

"No matter how many sugary treats I give you, you never seem to gain weight. I'm just testing the limits of your magical powers."

"You should know by now I'm omnipotent."

We laugh and drink and eat and the conversation subsides once again.

I realize it's time for me to ask the question I'd been dreading to ask. I can't hold it back forever. Oh hell, here goes nothing.

"Eve," It's a struggle even to get the first word out.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"When Adrian was calling us, before he... he..." I can't even bring myself to say it plainly. I euphemize. "Before he ended up in hospital. I wanted to know something. Why didn't you answer?"

She stares, her muzzle cracks open and she lets out half a syllable, stops, shakes her head and starts again.

"I talked to Adrian about it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Dead silence.

"How about me?"

"Remember what I said about there being a lot I haven't told you.

"I remember." I think about Adrian, alone, scared, depressed, reaching out to us. Not getting any answer. My fists ball up. Just remembering what happened to him, how we let him down, it sets off a rage inside me. I think about Adrian yesterday, hinting at things Eve was hiding, telling me to be patient. I want to be patient, but... "I'm realizing exactly how true that is more and more each day."

I can't keep the edge of anger out of my voice.

"Kale, let's talk about this."

"If only you were there to talk to Adrian." It's not a fair thing to say, I know it's not as I'm speaking but I can't stop myself. "On Monday, when he did it, my phone was miles away from me. What's your excuse?"

"I've talked with Adrian. He understands. He's okay with it."

"Yeah? Well maybe I'm not." I grit my teeth and lash my tail. I know I'm taking out my frustration at both of our actions solely on her. I know Eve is a wonderful person. I know she doesn't deserve this. Somehow, I can't seem to care. "I have no idea what's going on with my best friends. One almost killed themselves because they didn't open up to me sooner, or because I wasn't there for them. Or both. And now the other one is being dark and mysterious and keeping things from me. Should I expect to run into your home and find you bleeding out in a few days, huh? Is that what this is? You're borderline suicidal and you've been keeping it from me all these years, is that it?" I laugh harshly, not actually believing my words but finding some kind of instinctual catharsis in expunging them. "Adrian left voicemails you know. Maybe he left some for you too. Did you listen? I did last night. They were awful. Awful. The worst thing I've ever heard." I take out my phone and show her the cracked screen and chipped edge. "I didn't handle them very well." I shove it back in my pocket and sigh forcefully. "I don't seem to know the people closest to me so maybe I shouldn't be so surprised. Hell if we're going to make it a trend maybe I should fucking try and kill myself too."

She's silent, wearing a vacant expression. She looks me dead in the eyes, her muzzle is trembling, then her whole head, her whole body.

Oh god.

What the hell have I done?

She explodes into tears.

They're loud, painful and unrestrained.

The kind that hurt just to hear.

I fucked up again.

She told me there were things she was holding back and she asked for patience - Adrian more or less said the same thing - then I came out here and started yelling at her, halfway blaming her for what happened to Adrian and accusing her of ending up the same way. What the hell is wrong with me?

Stupid fucking wolf.

You can't get anything fucking right can you?

You thought you could help your friends? Make their lives better?

You're only hurting them. It's all you've ever really done.

My head spins. I get a feeling similar to the sensation of trying to jog while drunk. Things don't quite make sense, nothing I do is happening quite how it should or turning out how I think it will.

You idiot.

No, Kale, You shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Remember earlier?

Remember what Adrian said.

I need to give myself a damn break.

Eve basically said as much.

And now I've gone and hurt her.

Fucking idiot.

She's still crying. No sign of slowing. If anything she only sounds more pained.

"Oh god, Eve." My voice is as shaky as my paw as I try and reach out to her. "I'm- fuck. I'm so sorry. I was angry, I was-" Should I touch her paw and console her? Or would that only make things worse? I withdraw my arm. "I'm an idiot. I'm a dumb wolf with no fucking clue about anything. I'm so sorry. Please Eve, please pretend I didn't say anything."

"He could have died and it's my fault," she spits out her words amid sobs.

Stupid fucking wolf.

"No, Eve, no. That wasn't your fault. Adrian made mistakes. We made mistakes too. But that doesn't mean it was your fault. I was just lashing out like a dumb fucking child, I'm so sorry."

"If I had answered his calls he would have been fine."

"And if I answered the call I got when I was at Marty's he would have been fine too. If I weren't such a dismissive dick to him the past few days before that he would have been fine too. If I was really there for him when he needed me this never would have happened."

I do everything in my power to retain my mental fortitude and concentration in attempt to defuse the situation. I fucked up and I have to fix it.

Her sobs lose power and frequency and she sniffs. I begin to calm and hope that my words have had their desired effect.

"Kale?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we terrible friends?"

"I-" My mind bends and twists in ways that leave my head pounding. "I don't know." Kale. Get a hold of yourself. Kale. Get a hold of yourself. For Eve. "I mean, No. No, we're not. We let him down this time, both of us, but we're not gonna let that happen again, are we? And Eve, those things I said, they weren't fair. I'm sorry. I didn't mean them. I was lashing out. Whenever I think of what happened, Adrian lying there covered in blood, I just..."

"Yeah."

"That wasn't fair of me. I'm truly sorry. And some of the things I said were... I shouldn't have said them."

Her sobs give way to quiet sniffs and her tears have mostly stopped falling. She wipes her damp face with both paws.

"But you were right about almost all of it. I didn't answer his call when I could've. I've been hiding things from you about myself and I have for a long time." She speaks to the table, her head down, seemingly defeated and with no desire to face the wider world. I freeze in place.

"Eve. No. Look, you don't have to tell me anything. I shouldn't have pushed. You told me yourself you needed time and then I went and said all that crap like the thoughtless idiot I am. I'm sorry and you shouldn't feel pressured to say a damn thing."

"No, you were right to push. You're right, you should know how the people you care about feel. You should know who they are. I'm the one who should be sorry. I should have told you everything sooner."

"I'm not having this, Eve. I know you. No matter what you haven't told me, I know you. I love the hell out of you. Whatever this is isn't going to change that and whether I learn it now or in a few months or years, however long it takes, that doesn't matter."

"Okay. If you say so. Thank you, for feeling that way, but I think-" She almost chokes on her words, her voice distorting and almost cracking into another sob, but she manages to hold it back and correct herself. "I think now is the right time. It's never going to be easy and at least now we've had some, I don't know, build up."

Part of me desperately wants to argue against it, but there's little reason to. Maybe I just want to avoid the pain that will inevitable come from knowledge. More and more every day I see the wisdom in that adage: ignorance is bliss. Instead I nod along silently. She draws a breath and steels herself, then looks into my eyes.

"I suffer from depression Kale. And that's not a new thing, either. The truth is I've been depressed for a long, long time."

...

"What?"

Cheerful, upbeat, zany Eve.

It doesn't make any sense.

"I know. Not exactly the vibe I give off, is it? Well, that's very much on purpose. I hid it from just about everyone, but that only made me feel even more isolated than I already did, it just made things worse and worse."

"You're depressed?"

It's a stupid fucking question, but I have to say the words. This doesn't make any sense.

She nods.

"Yeah."

"You- you never said anything. Did you reach out for help?"

For some reason this triggers a strange sort of laugh from her.

"Yeah. I went to a group discussion thing for a while with other people who are struggling. I still go sometimes."

This is real isn't it? Not some twisted joke.

I can feel tears welling up.

"Did- did it help?"

"I don't know, maybe, a little."

"Did you have anything else? Any other resources?"

That odd laugh again.

"Sort of."

"Sort of?"

She stares at me, her head slightly tilted. Despite her earlier bawling and the trepidation with which she brought up this topic she seems calm, almost serenely so.

"I guess you could say I had a kind of unofficial therapist." I frown in confusion and she finds a soft, tired smile. "That's you wolf boy. You've been there for me over and over again. Given me advice whenever I've asked for it and comforted me whenever I needed it. More than that, you just make me happy to be around," She pauses and wipes once more at the damp fur under her eyes. "Most of the time, at least. These feelings I have of isolation and my fears for my future and the future of the world, they melt away when I'm with you. There's always been something about you that somehow allows me to feel normal, when nothing else does. You've always seen me as cheery and fun, but that's because I made it that way. I wanted to give back to you what you've given to me. I wasn't about to start complaining about life and moping around in front of you, that wouldn't be fair. And on top of that it's much easier to act happy around you, you make it much less of an act in the first place."

"Fuck off with that reasoning Eve. You don't have to hold yourself back or change who you are around me. If you're sad you can show me your sadness. If you're scared you can show me your fear. I'm here to help pick you up and push you forward, but I can't do that if you're already pretending to walk. You should have told me earlier. And how can you feel scared for your future when there's so much going for you. You have us, your job, your house, now you've even got Jay."

She stops for a moment, drains the last of her beer and frowns.

"Before Jay I was scared I'd never find love. I still am. I don't love my job, it pays, but I'm not passionate about it. I have no friends there. Aside from you and Adrian and one or two others, there's nobody in this world I can really talk to. You can say my fears are unfounded or that I'm exaggerating, but this isn't about logical consistency it's about what exists inside my mind. My mind has always worked against me." She stops to close her eyes and breathe deeply for a moment. "And I know, Kale. I should have told you far sooner. I always knew that."

"Why didn't you?"

"Sometimes when you're depressed it's harder than you can imagine to do the most simple things. Sometimes I'd stay in the house all day and live inside the recesses of my own thoughts. That's not a nice place to be, by the way. Sometimes I'd skip my group because I was feeling so lethargic, or scared, even though I knew that was exactly when I needed it most. Depression isn't remotely logical Kale. It's the opposite. When it's at its worst, depression is the act of digging your own grave, whether that means making your life worse through your own actions or inaction, or actually trying to end it."

My throat is dry. Everything I thought I knew about my best friends was wrong, or at least not quite right. They hid things from me, and I did a damn poor job of finding them out.

I only realize I'm crying when a tear drops off my face and onto the table.

"Do you hurt yourself Eve? Have you ever?"

"I did. Once. Only once. But, in total honesty, it might have been many more if I weren't so squeamish around blood."

"Have you ever thought about suicide?"

She flaps her muzzle soundlessly for a second, then sinks back into her chair.

"Often, to be honest," her words are like a knife being shoved into my heart. "Though rarely seriously. And I'd never actually do it. I couldn't."

"Eve..."

"It fills my head at times but it doesn't take over. I won't let it. I know I have people that care about me, even if only a few, and every day I'm becoming more hopeful in my own future. You don't need to worry about me Kale, really. I'm doing better, and you helped me a hell of a lot, you've been helping for years, whether you know it or not. Even though you didn't even know what was going on with me, you saved my life. That's the truth. I'm not in danger of hurting myself again, I'm not in danger of doing something irreversible. In spite of everything going on with Adrian, I'm feeling okay. That holiday helped me reset and see things more clearly. And now I've met Jay. I know that our relationship might crash and burn, but just setting up the date in the first place is a good thing for me. I haven't been on a real date in a long while." I nod along, struggling to take it all in. "If you were wondering what I was talking privately with Adrian about at the hospital, and then when we met up after, it was all of this. After what happened to him I couldn't keep it inside. We talked through everything and I think we've helped one another. I've always been close to him, but after these last few days, even with all the trials and tribulations of our lives, we're closer than ever. At least that lets us find some light in the dark. Kale, I know you love to worry, but the two of us are doing okay. We're there for each other, and of course we know you're there for us too. Like you said, we've made mistakes, but you got there in time. You saved his life, Kale. And that means we have the opportunity to make things right in the future. When I feel awful, when I feel like I'm lost in the depths of the hell of my mind's own creation, I think on that and it gives me determination and purpose and drives me on and up and through. It keeps me going. I'm in no danger of stopping any time soon." She rubs the back of her head. "When Adrian called I was in a strange place, mentally. You know I already had this date with Jay lined up, so overall I was feeling hopeful, feeling good, but, well, maybe that was the problem. I knew if I talked to Adrian he'd drag me back down with him. It was a selfish reason, a terrible reason, that's clear now. I mean after what happened, how couldn't it be? But at the time I knew Adrian wasn't in a good place, that was obvious. It was already obvious when I talked to him on Saturday and I knew things hadn't improved. Saturday brought me down already, you know that from our call, I knew if I answered it would be more of the same, so I just... I ignored him. God, saying that makes me feel awful. I should have answered, I- but... Anyway, you two had been arguing and he was heartbroken about you and upset and I knew if I answered and listened to all that it would hurt. I knew it would totally knock me down from that place of happiness I had climbed to. It was selfish. I'm sorry. I let him down. I let all of us down. I didn't even realize what was happening until you called me and by then he was already in the damn hospital. I wasn't there to save him. If you weren't, he would be dead." She exhales a ragged breath and covers her eyes with a wipe of her paw. "He's doing better now, and so am I, but... but knowing that... knowing that if it were just me that he reached out to he would be dead, that fucking hurts. It hurts more than I can put into words."

She finally runs out of breath. She grabs both our empty bottles and gets up to dispose of them in mute quiet. Her tail is as still and lifeless as the atmosphere.

She's said so much I can't even begin to properly respond.

"Eve, those things I said before. I didn't mean any of it. I shouldn't have said any of it."

"No," she shoots back. "No. It's good you said something. Maybe you didn't word it perfectly but you got me talking. I've been struggling to open up about how I feel for years. As much as it hurt to speak about, and as much as it hurt to hear you say those things. It was worth it. From now on I'm going to be more open with you. Maybe now that I've talked to Adrian and you about all this it'll help me to open up more easily in the future. Maybe even to Jay, if he sticks around long enough."

"I'm glad to hear that, all of it. But, Eve, I should have respected your wishes. You told me you were going to open up to me, but that you needed time. I shouldn't have pushed like that. It was disrespectful."

She makes a face and shrugs.

"I don't know Kale. We both make mistakes all the time, everybody does. This time it worked out," she finds a small smile. "Let's just leave it at that. Oh and, by the way, he didn't leave me any voicemails and only sent a couple texts. I ignored them too. They didn't seem too distressing at the time, but... well, you know what happened."

"He only left voicemails for me?"

"That's how it seems. He cares about you more than anyone."

An icy cold grips me from the inside.

"I don't deserve his trust, Eve. I don't deserve his love."

"I don't know if anyone deserves anyone else's love, per se, but you've got his."

I don't know how to respond.

I'm extremely conscious of each second that passes in silence. Eve, checks her phone and frowns.

"I'll need to get ready for the date pretty soon," she says apologetically, her ears flattened against her head.

"I'm sorry about all this Eve. I hope I haven't ruined your night."

"Kale, stop, of course you haven't."

I don't fully believe her but I force a grin and nod along regardless, doing my best to reset my mind to neutral and make amends. I want to leave things in a good place between us.

"I'm sure you'll have a wonderful night. Don't forget to keep track of every little detail so that you can relay it back to me perfectly."

"Absolutely, you should count on it."

"And you're feeling better, I mean in a general sense, recently right?"

"Yeah, I have been."

"And you're gonna be more open about all this stuff with me from now right."

"Yes, I promise."

"And you know I'm there for you if you ever need me, or if you just want a chat."

"I know."

"Adrian too."

"Of course."

"We both love you Eve."

"Yeah. I love both of you too."

"There's no reason I can see for you to be sad." I know it's the wrong thing to say as I soon as I say it.

"That's not how depression works, Kale."

"I- I know. I'm sorry. It just hurts to know that- to... you know what I'm trying to say."

"I do. Yeah."

"And that thing, about how much it hurts you to think that... about Adrian, if I wasn't there." I shake my head. "That's not on you."

"Isn't it?"

"It's at times like this I can see most clearly: when someone I care about is in pain. Eve, we could have handled things better, sure, and we're taking steps to improve - both of us are - but nobody can be expected to act perfectly. On top of that we both know neither of us made the biggest mistake on that day. Adrian did. He fucked up worse than either of us and in the end we saved him. And I do mean we, Eve, because I called you that day and what I learned from you, that his parents had come over to visit, that's what tipped me off that something was seriously wrong. That's how I got there in time. That's how I saved him. The truth is if it were only me out here to help him, he would be dead, same as if it were only you."

"But he told me that on Saturday and I never told you until you asked. If I told you earlier it would have saved all of us so much grief."

"You had no context for that information, of course you had no reason to bring it up. You didn't know what that meant to Adrian. That's not on you."

"I guess."

"Well you can guess all you like, but I know. So keep your head held high tonight and be proud of who you are and what you've done, because both of us saved Adrian's life. Both of us did. You're an amazing woman and Jay is gonna see that. And if he doesn't then he isn't worth your damn time in the first place."

She moves over to me and I stand up. She can't find the right words so she hugs me tight, even tighter than when I first got here.

Her face is damp against my cheek, but I can't tell if it's from fresh or old tears. I hug her too, every bit as tightly, and kiss her forehead when we finally come apart.

We find some parting words under a comfortable facade of normality, but things have changed between us. I can only hope for the better.

All the way home I try and figure out quite how I feel, to little avail.

I'm still overwhelmed, just like earlier. In some ways there's even more to think about now, in some ways less.

How didn't I see how Eve felt for literal years?

I thought I was blind, but I'm less than. I must be deaf too, and just plain dumb.

Fucking idiot.

...

I don't know.

I can't be bothered with that anger.

I can't be bothered with much.

Adrian asks how my visit went.

I tell him it was good, that Eve is doing well.

I want to smoke, but I don't.

I want to talk out everything I learned about Eve with him, but I don't.

I want to collapse into bed and sleep, but I don't.

I want to stop thinking forever, but I can't.

I'm too worn out to feel much of anything.

There's only more to come.

More complications.

More worry.

More problem solving.

I'm not sure I'm in total control of my life anymore.

Adrian cuddles against me as watch some schlock on the TV.

His warmth melts the ice inside me.

I stroke his hair and he giggles.

I'm so glad he's still here.

In my apartment.

In my arms.

Alive.