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Logistics

~Jaspyr~

I am a logical person. At least, I'd like to think so. I grew up making logical choices and not emotional ones. Because of this, I didn't have very many friends growing up and even less opportunity for anything even close to a love interest. However there was one time, back in high school (I know I said I was homeschooled before, but you'll know why I tell people that soon), when I had gotten close to a fellow classmate. Close enough to make me question my feelings, and my sexuality.

His name was Blake Kimel, a coyote a few years older than me and had just transfered into my school. At that point, I was a junior and so was he, but because I started school a little earlier than normal kids, I was only fourteen (about to be fifteen) and that kind of excluded me from a lot of the other kids. Blake was sixteen going on seventeen, and boy was he a "cool kid" -by the other kid's standards.- He had his driver's license, had his own car, played for our football team, and because both of his parents worked a lot, he threw a lot of parties. Plus, his family had a pool.

His reputation took off within weeks of his first year at our school, but, somehow, he seemed level headed. He didn't have many girlfriends, wasn't a total douche like the rest of the football team, didn't bully any of the nerds (or, more importantly, me) and seemed to actually pay attention in class. I'm not saying I stalked him or anything. It's just that when you have no one else to talk to, you tend to pay attention to the small details.

It was about halfway through the school year when I bumped into Blake in the cafeteria. This was the first time I had accidentally bumped into anyone at school because normally I keep my distance, so at first I was a little annoyed (because I knew it wasn't my fault), but when he apologized and asked to sit with me, I got over it.

It was a little odd at first; the most unpopular kid at school sharing a lunch table with the most unpopular kid, but after a bit of awkward ice breaking, it turned out we actually had a lot in common. We both liked comic books (he liked DC, I'm a fan of Marvel), shared the same taste in music, and he actually liked to read! The first jock I've ever met that liked to read, let alone knew how to. We compared theories on comics, told each other about our favourite books and movies, and even after school sometimes we'd go for a milkshake and continue our nerdy conversations.

From then on, I had my first real friend. That's probably when I realized deep down that I wasn't straight, but that never bothered me. I always figured that if I ever fell in love with someone, it'd be for who they are, not what they are. Logistics. But I didn't know how Blake felt, and I didn't want to ruin my first real friendship by complicating it with petty crushes, so I bottled it up and just enjoyed the time I had with him. And that was enough for me. I mean, sure, I was a teenager, and by proxy; horny, like all the time, but again, I never acted on emotion. Logic always one the fight with me. So just daydreaming about him on lonely nights was truly enough for me.

As time went on, we became closer. We'd go over to each others houses (usually his because his parents were rarely home, and even when they were, they didn't really care what we did), he'd invite me out to go see movies or hang out at the mall and other things teenagers did back in the day. Everything was going great, I even stopped getting bullied at school (not that I was bullied a lot because I knew how to stand up for myself) and I was starting to think that life wasn't so bad when you have someone by your side.

On my fifteenth birthday Blake got me a present, even after I told him for weeks prior that I didn't want anything. Stupid coyotes are always stubborn. The present he got me was a necklace; a silver chain necklace with half of a yin yang symbol on the end. I got the yin half, and he showed me that he wore the yang side. It was so nice of him, I almost cried. ALMOST. I hold onto whatever masculinity I can while I'm trapped in this girly looking body. But it meant a lot to me and I thought that I couldn't be happier.

That's when things started to go wrong and I saw Blake for who he really was.

A few months later, Blake throws another house party, only this time, he invites me. He's invited me before, but I've always said no. Parties and large groups of people have never been something I appreciate, even to this day. But this party was different, it was Blakes seventeenth birthday, and I couldn't say no.

As badly as I wanted to stay home, I wanted to give him his gift even more. See, his grandmother had passed about two months prior, and he was pretty close to her. He told me that she helped him through many tribulations and that her favourite thing to say to him was this ancient but cheesy chinese proverb; "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." and to honor his grandmother and maybe give him a bit more closure, I had the saying engraved on a locket with his grandmother's photo inside. It was corny and sappy but so was the gift that he gave me for my birthday so I thought it was fitting.

On the night of his party, I walk into his house to find a about 100 drunk sixteen to eighteen year olds trashing the place and getting handsy in the pool. It was pretty pathetic, but so was half of my school so it was no real surprise. However, if my mom finds out that I'm here with all these degenerates, I'm bound to be grounded until I move out, so I make the resolution to give Blake his gift, say happy birthday (maybe have a bit of ice cream because I'm weak for that shit) and get the hell out of here.

Finding Blake was harder than I thought. He wasn't in the pool, or in the game room, living room, or vomiting in the bathroom. After about twenty minutes wondering around a sea of drunken adolescents, I was about to give up and just leave his gift on a table with the others that I had passed a few times and just attach a note to it to let him know it was from me, when Blake found me. He was thoroughly damp and fully clothed (probably from being shoved in the pool, I'd guess), and sawing quite a bit with every step. To be honest, I was a little surprised that he noticed me with there being at least 50 other red foxes here, but regardless, he was happy to see me, and when I tried to give him his gift, he slurily told me to follow him somewhere quieter.

I followed him through the house to his room, somewhere I've been several times but never dulled the sense of mild jealousy I got whenever I saw how big it was compared to mine. He was an only child and got all this space while I have SEVEN other siblings (though I only live with three of them) and have to share my room with two of them.

When he closed the door behind him, he began stripping his clothes (a little clumsily from being drunk). I thought he was just going to change so he didn't have to wear the wet cloths anymore, but it was still pretty weared and more than a little uncomfortable. But he was drunk, not thinking clearly, so I didn't saying anything. Logistics, right?

But, instead of walking to his dresser, he walked up to me. I tried to ask what he was doing, but he shoved me very roughly (football player, I remind myself) onto his bed before he crawled on top to of me and pinned me down. I'm a virgin at this point in my life, I haven't even had a first kiss yet, so I'm more than a little scared and starting to panic. I tell Blake to get off from me, but he starts licking my ear. I plead for him to stop, but he reaches for my legs. I beg him, BEG him to stop, crying and thrashing, but he's about 100 lbs heavier than me and tackles guys bigger than himself for fun.

I don't know if Blake doesn't hear me or just doesn't care. He tells me that he "knows I want it," and that "this is the only gift from you I want." When he finally reaches into my pants is when the panic subsided enough for me to think a little clearer. In one quick motion, I knee his crotch as hard as I can and get out of the room as fast as I can. Tears streaming, clothes strewn and half off, I shove through the masses of the party and leave.

I put my trust in him, nearly trusted him with my feelings, and almost get raped as soon as he gets a bit of alcohol in him. Fuck him. On the long walk home I go from panicked, to sad, to furious, and back sad. But as much as I want to hate him, I can't. Maybe it was just the alcohol talking. Maybe he didn't know what he was really doing. Now that I have the time and fresh air to think about it, he did say some other things while he was pinning me down. Stuff like "you're so beautiful" and "God you're so soft" along with some raunchy stuff along the lines of "I can't wait to fuck you." None of that sounds like something a two beer queer would say. It sounded more like pent up emotion. Maybe this whole time, he felt the same way about me, and drunken Blake just took things way to fast. What he did was wrong, there's no denying that, but maybe tomorrow, he won't even remember anything and everything will just go back to normal? Of course, things wouldn't be that easy. Even if he doesn't remember, I will.

The next day comes and goes and I don't hear anything from Blake. I start to worry that he might remember and now he hates me, but I find out that the situation in actually worse come monday and I'm back in school.

I walk into school and everyone who was at the party immediately start staring at me, whispering behind my back. I was never popular but I was never the target for gossip either. But it felt like more that just gossip. It felt like... animosity.

Apparently, someone had been recording that part of the evening at Blakes party when I left in a hurry, crying. A few people in the video question where I'm going or what happened, and a few moments later, Blake comes into the frame looking pissed. When they ask him what happened, Blake tells them that I came onto him and that I ran out crying because I couldn't handle rejection. But then after a moment, Blakes expression softens and he suddenly turns and starts heading for the door. When people start asking where he's going, he says to get some peace and quiet.

I find out later that, that same night, Blake got into a car accident. Wrapped himself around a tree from going to fast. Drunk driving. He's in a comma now.

Because everyone knows everyone at my school, word spread like wildfire, and so did the rumors. It didn't take long until every kid in the school was blaming me for what happend, and to be honest, I kind of blamed myself to. If I hadn't left the way I did, or even just, let the whole thing happen, Blake wouldn't be in the hospital, unconscious.

Soon enough, the gossip got worse, the bullying became life threatening, and I decided to leave school and finish junior and senior year online. After a while, I felt less and less bad about leaving and stopping Blake from doing anything else to me. Yes he might be in the hospital but that was his own fault. But what else was his fault is what he started with that lie; I came onto him.

Since then, I never spoke to Blake, or anyone else from that school for that matter and even started dying my fur white, and I'm happier for it. But one regret I do have, is that I never got the chance to give Blake his gift.

~*~

A date. A real date with a real guy...

Fuck I really don't want to do this.

Why didn't I just chicken out of this when I had the chance? Instead I had to go and have a relatively tender moment with him in the cafeteria of my job and instead agreed to go out on a date with him. I thought I swore off meeting drunk guys ever since the whole Blake Kimel fiasco.

Damn I must be some kinda stupid.

Okay Jaz, just go on this stupid date, show him that you're nothing special, he'll realize that he made a mistake and the rest with play itself out. Easy.

I take a deep breath in and let it out. Alright, Alex said that he'd pick me up around eight. He'll be here any minute.

Ugh... Why me?