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Rhythmic thump, thump, thump driving up through her body, mouth hanging half-open in steady panting, sweat beading on her forehead and trying to drip down along her fur... sure, it had never exactly been a _pleasurable_feeling, but at the same time she'd come to enjoy it somewhat. Lynn swallowed, felt the so-familiar sticky slickness of exertion clinging to the back of her throat, swallowed again, and tightened her fists to continue on.

Still remember what he looked like. Remember him leaning back when I scooted over and started in over him, but it... wasn't out of fear. That much was obvious: those damn satellite-dish ears always show too much of his emotion, and even though it was dark, I could see his blush. Can't hide that. I intentionally placed my paw up on his thigh, and I could... could feel the heat of his body, his twitching, his... vibrating eagerness, mixed with reluctance. No, that's not the right word. More... hesitation. But he certainly didn't try to move away, and after all, he was the one who'd brought it up, right?

Burning in her throat, burning in her legs, burning in her abs. At least those had become palpably more solid these past few months; often she'd check herself out in the mirror, touching at her tummy, seeing if she could see the lines of muscle as well as she could feel them. She'd always been pretty happy with herself, physically speaking. So that had never been much of a problem.

Well... but then, I'd been the one to start things with Eric, hadn't I? Way back then. And nearly as soon as that had started, as soon as he got over me, I... realized it wasn't what I wanted. I tried to stop, but he wouldn't - let me. Two goddamn months of talking and flirting and trading pictures led to one weekend - one night - hell, hardly eleven minutes of sex that I didn't even enjoy.

_ _

Really, doing this was as much willpower as endurance. The hyena adjusted the fit of her headphones on her ears, swallowed again, wiped the back of her paw across her forehead, and kept going; if she focused, she could push down the exertion and the pain. The problem just lay in getting to that point, but once there she often felt like she could go forever. Or at least another forty minutes or so.

Still took three whole months to finally block his contact on our message client, and then another to go ahead and block his phone number too. Real shame he turned out to be a total shitbag, with a dick like that. Hell, that single part of him must have been where all of his attractiveness went. Certainly not a shred of it to be found in his personality. Good riddance.

Here she gritted her teeth and reached down to brace a paw against her side. Muscle cramps could be tough to shake off and tougher to ignore; that usually happened when she let herself drift off in the middle of it. Focusing on thoughts also allowed her to put her mind off the sensation - before long the beating and bouncing just became rhythm, nothing out of the ordinary - but, more often than not, those thoughts trailed into places she'd rather not revisit. Lynn let a throaty growl force her teeth apart, and then picked up her pace a little further.

What if Eli was in the same situation there, wanting it to stop? No - that's stupid. He would have mentioned it. I asked him. I made sure to ask him. But, still, what if...?

_ _

No. Stop it. He literally said, unprompted, that he wanted to do it again. Why should I doubt him? Why should I think he lied? He's a gay guy who took the step, embraced the curiosity, to challenge his idea of himself and found he liked it. No - bi. At least. He'd just never had the opportunity or desire to step outside the boundaries that he'd thought had been placed there.

_ _

But doesn't that make me a shitbag, too? Knowing all of that, or at least inferring it pretty well, and then just... ignoring it and going forward anyway? But, still, he said he enjoyed it... and I did too. But he did. That's the important part. I nudged him there, but he started it... but it was still myself who set it in motion. So I'm to blame.

_ _

_But he enjoyed it. He-_Not looking where she was looking, Lynn nearly stepped right off the curb and into the street, managing at the last moment to catch herself and change her trajectory. That was another risk of delving too deep into reflective thought when running.

_ _

Stop. Quit it. He enjoyed it. He told me himself. Besides... Tuesday afternoon now, in the short span of time after she'd gotten off work and before she had to go in for class, a time she normally didn't spend on running, but still. Several days after it had happened, and if she had a lull in her time, she often found herself still thinking back to his face when he had his lips on her, the expression on his muzzle when she pushed his legs apart and nuzzled down, the sweet little noises, the soft blush and...

_ _

Another rumbled growl, another clenching of her fists, another step up in pace. She was already hot and dripping in one way; adding another on top of that would just make her run even more difficult. He's cute. That's for certain. Hot. I enjoy spending time with him, I like making him smile, I like the way he looks at me... I like him.

_ _

Already she could feel the result of treading down this mental road again, starting with the thumping in her chest totally apart from what the running already put into it. The pounding heart, the sweaty palms, the way her ears tried to fold partially back. The worry.

It's just that. That's all it is. And it... it needs to stay that way. She wetted her lips, swallowed, let her jaw fall open again. Really it was better to inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth when running, but after going for as long as she had today, that got... difficult. Some things she could only maintain for so long. Look at what's happened every time I've been in a relationship before. I'm still figuring it out. It's easy to play around, easy to flirt and rope someone into a bed, but... I'm still lost on what to do when I wake up beside them. So to say.

_ _

If that happens, someone is going to get hurt. I'll get hurt again. Another swallow, this time leading to her gritting her teeth. Her shorts clung to her thighs, her phone bounced in its harness on her upper arm, her mane felt like a rope of weights hanging down the back of her skull. I'll...

_ _

He's going to get hurt. I don't want him to feel that. I don't want to be the one to make him go through it. I like making him smile and laugh. That's what I want. I don't... want to...

_ _

Energy fading and willpower crumpling, the hyena managed to slow herself to a jerky, wobbling stop within another seven steps before her legs would forcibly throw her to the ground. Chest heaving in exhausted panting, the doubled over and pressed her paws against her knees, entire body moving with those breaths; when she managed to open her eyes, dark little spots of dripped sweat speckled the sidewalk beneath her. That slight pain in her side twinged, thrummed, beat at her, though it relented somewhat now that she'd stopped.

He doesn't... deserve me. He deserves better. None of that bullshit, not Eric nor Sven, Rick, fuckin' Rodney... none of that was my fault. None of that was because of me. But I can't risk something like it happening again. Especially for Eli. It's only been... what, a week and a half? Still early. Why am I even...

After another few moments in waiting for the dry burning at the back of her throat to die down, Lynn wiped her mouth, swallowed again, straightened up and looked around... and realized she had no idea where she'd run to. That must have happened when she'd nearly stepped into the street; this wasn't on her route. Breathing a soft curse, the hyena reached up to her other arm to slide her phone from her harness, paused the music, and opened up the navigation app. Even worse, she'd already blown all her energy on running out here, so she'd have to walk home at least half the way. That hadn't been in her original plan; she might end up running late for class.

That thought gave her a bitter smirk. Always messing something up- no. It had taken her another half-year at least after one of those failed relationships to finally believe that it wasn't her fault. Then, of course, the next one put the resolve that it had been her doing right back into her head, and against logic, it took even longer to shake that suspicion and guilt the second time.

In her experience, though, that was how those things usually went. Against all logic. Here she was, stoically resolved to not fall in love again and knowing beyond a doubt the reasons why she shouldn't, and yet...

~ ~ ~

That would make three times - no, there was a fourth - within the past two minutes or so that her phone vibrated, still on her belly where she'd rested it earlier. Neither work nor class today were particularly heavy, yet she still felt so, _so_tired: as soon as she'd come back to her dorm, she'd tossed her bag to the side, flopped down onto the bed, and covered her eyes with her arm. The hyena swallowed, started pulling in a slow breath... then felt another message come in. She sighed, waited another moment, then finally grabbed her phone and turned it on.

~angrysmalls [9:33 PM]: Lynn

~angrysmalls [9:33 PM]: Hey

~angrysmalls [9:34 PM]: Lynn

~angrysmalls [9:34 PM]: Lynette

~angrysmalls [9:34 PM]: I know you're there, I saw you go online you rancid bitch

She rolled her eyes to the ceiling and sighed again, though this time a slight smile touched her lips. The claws of her thumbs tapped lightly across the screen.

~stripesandhypes [9:35 PM]: That's not my name

~stripesandhypes [9:36 PM]: Idiot

While waiting for his response, she reached up and tapped the little icon beside each of his message, the image blowing up into a cropped photo of the short fox's grinning face. That magnified Lynn's smile a bit: the two of them had taken that picture two semesters ago while waiting for a concert to start on campus. Shame she ended up losing that top - which was all of her that could be seen in the original photo, actually. The tops of Jordan's ears hardly came up to Lynn's shoulder.

~angrysmalls [9:38 PM]: Oh, there you are <3 how was your day?

~stripesandhypes [9:38 PM]: Pretty alright. Went to work. Went for a run. Went to class. You know.

~angrysmalls [9:39 PM]: what, that's all? Didn't you have a date over the weekend? How'd that go?

Nice boy, Jordan. The two had met in a shared single-semester class a while back, ended up exchanging numbers for a group project, and then had become friends by the time finals rolled around. Fast forward a couple more semesters, and here he was now, one of Lynn's regular contacts throughout the day; they hadn't shared a class since then, though the chatting kept them close. Closer than they had been, really, even counting... after tapping on his icon again and scrolling through them, she came to the one she'd had in mind, another good photo of the fox with drunkenness obvious in his expression and a cookies-and-cream stripe-furred arm across his shoulders.

Good thing _that_one was cropped, too. Lynn had gotten drunk that night, too, and she remembered taking the photo, but one thing that disappeared into that night was memory of when she'd taken off her top and her bra prior to the photo, and also the bra itself.

~stripesandhypes [9:41 PM]: I mean, I had a guy over, and he stayed the night... but, na, date's coming up tomorrow

Date. Tomorrow. Her fingers just typed the words on their own, but once she'd sent the message and read it... the hyena sat upright, her heart suddenly pumping again like it had during her run before class. How could I have forgotten? Should I remind Eli? I wonder if he's looking forward to it.

_ _

...Am I looking forward to it? She reached up, touched her chest, felt her phone vibrate in her other paw, ignored it. These feelings swirling around in her head, frothy and murky... sometimes it was easy to tell what those feelings were. Times like these, though, what she did feel mixed and blended with what she wanted_to feel, then all of that came together with what she thought she _should feel, and... and it wasn't so clear anymore.

~angrysmalls [9:42 PM]: Oh shiiiit. Get it, girl. Hope things are going well for you, i know that you've been kinda on the fence about all of that since

~angrysmalls [9:42 PM]: you know.

~angrysmalls [9:46 PM]: Oh! speaking of. Anniversary with Jen is coming up, and I need ideas for what to do for it. can ya help me?

~stripesandhypes [9:48 PM]: Wow, has it really been a year already?

_ _

The group project the two had been assigned to didn't really_require_ them to get together outside of class, but in the last week of it, Jordan had texted Lynn asking about it. Up to that point - she smirked remembering it - she'd been certain that the tiny fox was trying to flirt with her, and she thought she was cute, and still did, so she returned it.

Going into that night, both knew that next to no work would get done on the project. It was plenty of fun, sure, and the two agreed that they'd keep each other in mind if the urge and need hit either of them going forward, but then a couple of months later Jordan met Jennifer, a tall, lovely panther gal at the campus rec center. And that was fine, really; Lynn swallowed, letting her gaze unfocus and drift pass the darkening phone screen.

_ _

That had been a bit of a... tumultuous time for her, having gotten out of one of her usually catastrophically bad relationships a couple of months prior and so, so paranoid of doing it over again. Feelings hadn't started blooming for Jordan, though of course her anxious mind imagined they were, and the news that he'd found a girlfriend relieved her. Still did. Though it was a shame that they remained closed, it felt really nice seeing one of her best friends so happy.

Also a shame that Jen was strictly straight, since God damn.

~angrysmalls [9:49 PM]: Yeah! It has. Hard to believe for me, too, it's gone by so fast. What do you think about, like... hitting the aqaurum or something?

~angrysmalls [9:49 PM]: Aquiarium

~angrysmalls [9:49 PM]: Aquarum

~angrysmalls [9:50 PM]: ? f u c k ?

~stripesandhypes [9:50 PM]: Aquarius

~angrysmalls [9:50 PM]: Fuck you

~stripesandhypes [9:50 PM]: ;)

_ _

_The one relationship I haven't fucked up, and we can't go ten minutes without insulting each other._Lynn turned to swing her legs off the bed and stood up, crossing the short distance across the dorm to what was supposed to be the kitchen: in reality, the designers had just turned one part of one wall into a couple of small cupboards and a spot for a microwave. She and her roommate had had to get a mini fridge since the one the dorm came with didn't work, and the repairman had never come out.

Wait. No. That's not right. The one relationship that hasn't fucked up, because I want it to work, and because he wants it to work as much as I do.

_ _

~angrysmalls [9:52 PM]: Wait. Jk. Jen's afraid of the ocean.

~stripesandhypes [9:53 PM]: Zoo?

~angrysmalls [9:53 PM]: Isn't that overplayed?

~stripesandhypes [9:53 PM]: And the aquarium isn't?

~stripesandhypes [9:54 PM]: You could always see a movie. Galacticarus is pretty good.

~angrysmalls [9:55 PM]: Oh, so there WAS a date ;3!

Lynn usually liked to keep the dorm window just barely cracked, enough to let in the sounds of the nearby campus without changing the temperature too much - especially right now between the changing seasons, with blazing heat one day and then a chilly storm the next. It sounded like an ice cream truck had been allowed onto the campus grounds, and to nobody's surprise, it also sounded like it would make a killing today from the crowd of college students.

The hyena straightened up and popped the top of a soda can, in the same movement pressing her other paw against her lower back: she really had gone hard at running today. The muscles back there felt tight.

~angrysmalls [9:59 PM]: Is that okay? Can I joke about that yet?

Instead of flopping back onto her bed, Lynn went over to her desk and settled down into the chair, letting it turn her however far it wanted before stuttering to a stop. Why did it take until today for her old habits to hit her? Hell, just last night before bed, after she was certain her roommate had fallen asleep, she'd let one paw wander up under her bra, teasing and touching, saliva-slickened pinching and pulling between her thumb and the side of a finger, eyes closed in imagining those to be a pair of lips, and-

~stripesandhypes [10:02 PM]: Yes. You can.

~angrysmalls is typing...

~stripesandhypes [10:02 PM]: Speaking of, have you told jen yet that you love getting pegged?

~angrysmalls [10:02 PM]: >:(

~stripesandhypes [10:02 PM]: :3c

Another inhalation leading to a slow, deliberate sigh. Across her desk lay an assortment of different things, from a half-empty glass of water to a paperweight with a beetle the size of her pawpad inside, a cool bottle cap she'd found in one of her classes, various pens and pencils she'd both bought and picked up across campus... and a small, stuffed striped hyena, custom-made to look like her. She reached forward and swiped it towards her, turning it back and forth between her paws; it was one of Rodney's many attempts to get her to agree to "try again" with him, and that had been before she'd calibrated her bullshit meter, so of course it had worked. Painted metal jingled softly beneath her fingerpads as she toyed with it - he'd even gotten all of her piercings right on it. Well, except for the second industrial at the end of her ear. That one had come after.

~angrysmalls [10:05 PM]: Seriously, though, good luck with your boy, Lynn. I know that's a big step for you, especially after... you know.

~angrysmalls [10:05 PM]: Everything. Don't wanna jinx anything, of course, but like... here's hoping, right?

~angrysmalls [10:07 PM]: I mean. Assuming that I'm not reading this wrong and, like, that really is what you're going for. It's your life and shit, and we've already talked about all of that and your whole one-night-stand thing...

Sometimes, though, the little plush couldn't stand up on its own. Lynn spent another minute trying to get it to do so, though frustration quickly welled up and she ended up pushing it back so it leaned against the wall for support.

Boy, I sure am great at giving advice, but I can't take it worth shit, huh?

~angrysmalls [10:09 PM]: You know, maybe I will ask her about dinner and a movie. Those old standards are standards for a reason, right

~stripesandhypes [10:10 PM]: You're right

~angrysmalls [10:10 PM]: You said Galacticarus, right? Isn't that sci fi?

~stripesandhypes [10:11 PM]: no I mean about the boy. His name is eli.

~angrysmalls [10:11 PM]: He's not a fox, is he

~angrysmalls [10:11 PM]: My brother's name is Eli

~stripesandhypes [10:12 PM]: Nah, wild dog

~angrysmalls [10:12 PM]: Oh shit. Some of that savannah spice huh.

~stripesandhypes [10:12 PM]: Jordan, you're straight

~stripesandhypes [10:12 PM]: ...ish

~angrysmalls [10:12 PM]: Yeah but I'd go gayish for a wild dog

_ _

Gayish. Lynn let her paws drift down to her lap, phone clutched between them. Wonder what's going on in Eli's head. Maybe I should talk to him about what's going on. I had a hell of a time when Lilliana came into my life... she smirked and had to hold back a snort-laugh.And came into my mouth. Fuck. I wish someone were here. That was funny.

_ _

~angrysmalls [10:15 PM]: Still, though. I'm proud of you, and good luck.

~stripesandhypes [10:15 PM]: Thanks <3 we're both figuring things out

~stripesandhypes [10:15 PM]: I mean. I don't even know if he wants

~stripesandhypes [10:16 PM]: Well. Nah. Nvm. I'm pretty confident about what he wants

~angrysmalls [10:16 PM]: You were pretty confident about what I wanted...

~stripesandhypes [10:16 PM]: :>

~angrysmalls [10:16 PM]: >.>

~angrysmalls [10:17 PM]: It'll be fine.

~stripesandhypes [10:17 PM]: Will it?

~angrysmalls [10:17 PM]: it will.

_ _

Confidence. That was one mask Lynn knew how to wear, but for actually feeling it... well, she'd felt the way Eli's heart had been beating that one night. Hers had been going much the same. Her phone vibrated yet again, and she quickly unlocked it already with another teasing barb to toss Jordan's way, when a different notification crossed the screen:

Hey Lynn. c: Just checking in to make sure we're still on for tomorrow. Mexican for dinner, right? You said you had a place in mind. I'm looking forward to it. Let me know. <3

Without realizing it, her smile returned just from that one message, and then widened seeing what ended it. No way to avoid the cold creeping nervousness that came up whenever thoughts of Eli drifted into her head, but when he actually _interacted_with her, when he spoke to her and sent her texts, when he sent little heart emojis...

"Yessir. I hope you'll like it! Especially since I'm treating you. If you spend a shitload of money and then don't like anything you ordered I s2g I'll beat you"

That nervousness felt like a bite of wind on a warm summer day. Noticeable, yet easily ignored. There were more important things, more pleasurable feelings, to pay attention to. Confidence...

_ _

Pssh. Don't threaten me with a good time.

There it was. She tossed her head back and cackled.

_ _

~stripesandhypes [10:20 PM]: Yeah. I think it will.