Help Me...
This is the first story of this kind that I've ever written and it's just the first chapter. I don't know if I plan to continue this as a series or just the next part. I really thrive on feedback, too.
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Tonight's the night... and it's going to happen again and again. Has to happen. It's not what I want... but what I want doesn't matter. You can only fight against instinct for so long until your biology, the core fundamentals of who you are, start to fight back.
I licked my lips and sighed, forehead pressed against a pillow on the bed as thick, creamy lines of ejaculate cooled on a towel beneath me. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath as I lay there with my chest lowered and rump lifted high into the air, the tailplug I'd used still firmly lodged in my still twitching and clenching ass. I shivered and let out a soft groan as I pushed myself up on my forearms, the tapered length of my average, canine erection jumping every few seconds.
I let out a pathetic whine as I felt something stir deep inside me. It shifted and hungered, clawed at the edges of my mind even through the self induced post-orgasmic haze. It wasn't enough. It was as if the very fabric of my being cried out that it knew; it -KNEW- that the thing lodged under my tail was inorganic and that it wanted more. It wanted so much more.
I very nearly cried as the insistent clawing grew undeniable and I knew it was going to happen again... and again. Tonight was the night. It had to happen.
With a soft grunt, I reached back and pulled the short, squat plug loose from my rump, my curly tail wagging out of pure reflex at the relief. I couldn't help but shiver a little as I let one of my fingers trace my stretched anal ring. I shook my head softly and used the towel beneath me to clean the lube matted fur along the cleft of my ass with my free paw.
I climbed off the bed with a slightly trepidatious sigh, making my way to the bathroom to clean up. I set the used tailplug in the sink and began to run the water, my gaze shifting up to the mirror. On the surface, I recognized the reflection staring back at me. Grey fur. Muzzle. Conical, pointed ears. Brown eyes. Wolf. Average. I never could see anything special about the way I looked except for my eyes. Those piercing, lost goddamn eyes.
I let out a snort and washed both the tailplug and my paws with soap and hot water. As I dried my paws, I looked down to watch the last of my red penis slip back inside my sheath to leave a milky droplet of watery semen at the tip. The tension was still there, still begging inside of me, still making my scrotum feel half a size too small for the slightly swollen, walnut sized orbs it contains and protects.
Goddamn, I hadn't felt like this since I'd tried to quit smoking cold turkey two years ago. It was like drowning while breathing perfectly clean air. Like my blood was burning in my veins with a desire... no, a DEMAND that wouldn't go away until the hunger was sated. I needed it. I needed in ways that words couldn't ever begin to explain.
Blinking, I snapped back to reality, my eyes silently mocking myself in the mirror as I turned the water off... and for half a second, I had the violent urge to punch the mirror. I clenched my jaw and growled slightly, lip curling to bare fangs as I yanked the towel off the rod and dried the tailplug. Tossing the towel on the sink, I walked into my room with the plug and put it back in its box, which I stashed secretly in the false bottom of one of my desk drawers. I took the cum streaked towel from the bed and used a clean corner to wipe that drying spot of semen from my sheath's opening before tossing the soiled cloth in the dirty clothes basket at the foot of my bed.
I knew where to go. I knew it would be waiting for me. He would be waiting for me. All I had to do was summon the courage to talk to him... and the thought made my jaw clench tightly again. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did it have to haunt me? Why did it have to remind me over and over that I was gay?
Was I really, though? I mean, I'd had sex with women before. I'd even loved a woman once... but nothing could compare to the ultimate sense of fulfillment that I felt when I lifted tail for another man. Especially another canine. The very few times I'd had these experiences caused mental images of tapered tips and swollen knots to flood my mind before I could stop them and I shivered slightly as my own tapered shaft stirred within my sheath. I forced the images out of my mind, forcing myself to keep control and fight the arousal I thought I'd temporarily sated not five minutes ago. At one point, a few years ago, I thought my libido would finally start to cool down... but here I was, 28 years old, and it hadn't lessened even a little. It had probably gotten worse. More demanding. More insistent. I'd gone too long without and it was letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that it was going to get what it wanted, regardless of what my thinking brain had to say on the subject.
I tried to fool myself into believing I was doing something else as I sat down at my computer, bringing up a browser window to check to see if any of the webcomics I watch had been updated. I'd even temporarily forgotten about the rutting urge as I opened Gtalk but as soon as I saw his name in the list, my heart skipped a beat and everything inside my body tightened just a little too much for comfort. My mouse hovered over his name in the list, heart pounding as I hesitated. Why was I hesitating? I needed it and I knew he'd be happy to... but no, I knew why I was hesitating. It was what I wanted that gave me pause. What my body and blood and soul cried out for. I'd been trying to fight against it, and losing almost every time, for almost seven years but I wanted it more than anything else in the world at that moment.
It was part of what I firmly believe ruined my last relationship four months ago, which had been with a pantheress named Kayla. She was beautiful and smart and funny and everything had been wonderful with her. Well, I thought everything had been wonderful with her. I'd been with her for nearly three years when we broke up. Why did we break up? That's complicated. She'd lost interest nearly a year and a half ago but either didn't have the courage to say so or didn't want to give up the things that I'd do for her. Then again, I'd always wondered if we stopped having sex because she'd found the hidden folder of gay porn on my computer. My chest felt two sizes too tight as I thought about her. It had been four months since we'd stopped dating, and even longer than that since we'd stopped having sex, but it still hurt. It still made me feel like I had crushed glass in my chest.
Just to explain a little, the name in the list was blackadder87, real name Adrian Lassiter. Adrian lived with a lesbian couple, a Venus of Milo style giraffe named Jennie and a tall, willowy rabbit named Trish. I always thought it was a little funny that two lesbians and a gay guy lived together. They were good people that I really enjoyed being friends with... though, Adrian was... something else. I'd known Adrian since he was 16 and still in highschoool. Though, that wasn't too long ago considering that the young fox is only 22. He's taller than I am but that's not saying much. I'm short and I hate it. I stand a daunting five feet, four inches tall. Practically diminutive for a wolf and it always made me feel a little uncomfortable when Adrian towered over me at just less than six feet tall. Broad shoulders and a swimmer's build, I'd always thought he was attractive, which made me feel a little dirty when he was younger. Then, when things between Kayla and I had started to get really bad, he was the one I had turned to. It had been his shoulder that I'd ended up finally having an emotional breakdown on three months ago and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. About him. He was six years younger than I was, for crying out loud. AND a fox! Not that it really seemed to matter... I wasn't even sure why it bothered me. Which is a lie. I knew exactly why, I just didn't want to admit it at the time. Before Kayla and I had gotten involved three and a half years ago, Adrian had a crush on me. Not that he ever said anything but it was plain as day to me. I wasn't at a point where I could have returned his feelings even if I'd wanted to. There had always been an under the surface tension between us, something unexplored that whispered to me in the quiet, still moments of the night when all the world fades to grey.
Taking a sharp, angry breath, I clicked on his name as I shoved old memories and fresh pain out of my mind. All of the broken glass and bruises would still be there, waiting for me, but for now, it was crammed into my subconscious. Either fortunately or unfortunately, that meant that I didn't have the extra brainpower to truly contemplate what I was doing as I began to type.
greyface81: Hi Adrian.
blackadder87: Kielan!!!
greyface81: *chuckles and grins* How's it going, Adrian?
blackadder87: Ah, it's going alright... bored. o.o;;
blackadder87: Jennie and Trish are having a girl's night out. So ronery. You?
greyface81: Kinda the same, really... 'cept I don't have roommates. Just... bored. Figured I'd ask if you wanted to come over?
blackadder87: Sure! It's not like I have anything else going on at the moment.
greyface81: Well, it's 6:30 now... did you want to watch a movie?
blackadder87: Hmm... dunno, I don't know if anything good is out?
greyface81: Oh, I meant rental. I don't really feel like going out on the town tonight.
blackadder87: Oh! In that case, sure. I can stop by Blockbuster on the way over, if you like?
greyface81: Sure. See you in about an hour?
blackadder87: Absolutely.
*blackadder87 has signed off*
I wish I could tell you that I wasn't nervous and uptight in the hour it took him to get there. I wish I could tell you that my heart took turns racing in unadulterated excitement and plummeting with uncertainty. I wish I could tell you that I acted as if I'd just invited a good friend over... but I can't. I can't tell you any of that. I paced around the house, small as it was. I live in a studio efficiency apartment. Kitchen, living room, and bedroom are all one big 20 square feet room with a door to the bathroom. It was a simple affair and my queen sized bed took up a great portion of the space that wasn't the kitchen. I liked it that way, though. I could lounge in bed and watch the TV I'd hung on the wall or play on my laptop. Or other things.
About twenty minutes before he was supposed to show up, I was cleaning the few dishes in the sink when my nose twitched. Sniffing at the air, I smacked my forehead and growled as the scent of rutt and hormonal wolf was noticeable, even to me... and it was MY scent! I sighed and dried the last of the dishes, putting them away as I wandered over to the laundry basket. I didn't have time to go down to the Laundromat to wash the offending garments, so I ended up hiding the basket and its contents under the sink in the bathroom, hoping the other scents would mask it. I paused and looked at myself in the mirror, idly wondering what I should wear. The thought struck me as silly, fretting over my clothes as if I had a da-
My thoughts were halted abruptly as I heard a knock on the door. My heart leapt into my chest and cut off any use of my voice as I looked at the time. Wow, had I really spent the last twenty minutes staring at myself and my clothes, lost in thought? Frantically, I grabbed a pair of khaki shorts and pulled them on, zipping them in a rush as I grabbed a Tool shirt and made my way to the door. I slipped the black shirt on and opened the door, probably looking a little disheveled. There, standing in the doorway, was the tall, handsome red and white fox. He was wearing a denim shorts that clung to him in ways that would make a model jealous and I tried not to stare at his crotch, forcing my gaze upwards past the unadorned white shirt he was wearing to those crystal blue eyes of his.
"Hey!" I said with a little more enthusiasm than I'd intended, "Come on in, Adrian."
"So, uh," he said, hefting a plastic bag in front of him as he entered, "wasn't really sure what you'd like, so I got the latest Die Hard movie."
"That's cool, I haven't seen it before," I said as I closed the door behind him, lieing but not caring because it meant that I got to spend time with him, "I've got some Dr.Pepper in the fridge or... water, I guess. Sorry, I don't really have much in the apartment at the moment."
"That's alright," he said as he tossed the bag on the bed and made his way to the fridge, "Dr.Pepper is fine."
I walked over to the bed and took the DVD out of the bag, walking over to the DVD player next to the TV and popping the disc in. It was then that it dawned on me that the only place we could watch the movie was on the bed and my heart tightened at the prospect. I hoped my paws wouldn't shake as I felt a nervous trickle of ice water seep into my belly.
"Here you go," I suddenly heard over my right shoulder. I have to embarrassingly admit that I jumped a little as I'd lost contact with reality and suddenly he was a meter foot and a half away from me, holding out a cold can of Dr.Pepper.
"Oh, uh, thanks..." I said, unable to keep a faint, pink tint from flooding my ears, "I got the video set up."
"Cool... well, let's get it started." he replied as he flopped unceremoniously onto the bed, cracking open the drink in his paws.
I'd always admired how confident he was, how he just... wasn't afraid to be comfortable in being himself. The way he flopped on the bed, you'd think that we were just highschool friends having a sleepover. Grabbing the DVD remote as these thoughts wiled their way through my head, I sat on the edge of the bed and scooched backwards until my back was against the wall. I shifted and rearranged the pillows, as did Adrian, and then hit play.
I have to admit, I'm not entirely sure what happened in the movie even though this was my second time seeing it. I was only scarcely aware of it playing as I lay there on the bed next to the fox. My body's urges, demands, instincts were too heightened and I was too neurotic to ignore them and follow the plotline of a movie. I was hyper aware of his broad chest not a foot from my head, of the subtle scent of his fur and body. I was so happy he didn't like cologne... it meant his natural scent, that intoxicating aroma, wasn't masked or hidden. It was going to happen, I knew. It was going to happen and my thinking brain just didn't want to stop it. Every part of me wanted it too bad.
I probably spent half an hour trying to muster the courage to lay my head on his shoulder, thinking and rethinking and overthinking every possible action and reaction that might happen. Finally, I took a deep, silent breath through my nose and steeled myself. I shifted on the bed and slid down a few inches before shifting so that my left side was pressed against his right and my head descended to his chest. I closed my eyes as my whiskers and muzzle made content with his warm strength and let out a soft sigh through my nose, my heart racing a hundred miles an hour. I was worried he'd push me away, I was worried he'd say something but, instead, I felt is right arm slide over my shoulders, his paw resting lightly on my bicep.
My eyes snapped open when I felt the touch and my breath caught in my throat, held there for a few seconds as my mind reeled with the realization of what was happening. I let out a shaky sigh, trying to mask it with an explosion in the movie and allowed myself a moment to relish the simple act of resting my head on his chest. Sicne my nose was closer to him, his scent was stronger, more noticeable and I'd forgotten just how much I liked it. It was an easy thing to forget when you actively try to keep thoughts like that out of your head but it was undeniable now that he was here and I was in the position I was in.
Swallowing softly, I shifted just a little more so that I could press my chest and belly into his side, my right paw making its way to the center of his chest as I only pretended to watch the movie. Then, unexpectedly, I felt his paw cupping the right side of my muzzle, thumb stroking the short whiskers there. With a start, I lifted my head and looked up at him with a worried expression. My brown eyes met his blue eyes in an electric gaze and then I saw the hint of a smirk curl at the corner of his muzzle.
"You... aren't really interested in the movie, are you?" he said, putting a particular emphasis on the word movie as if to indicate that my interest lay elsewhere.
I blushed furiously and sat upright, clearing my throat as I fumbled for the remote. I heard a chuckle from the fox and looked over to see him hit the 'All Power' switch. I looked over at the TV just in time to see it wink off, the light on the DVD player flickering out as well. "I, ah..." I began, the words losing themselves in the jumbled mass of jelly that had become my brain.
"Kielan..." he said, reaching out to touch my shoulder, his paw hesitating as I flinched a little, "Kielan, do you want to talk about it?"
Such simple words. Do you want to talk about it? Such a simple question. Part of me screamed yes, part of me screamed for the final, blissful relief of being acknowledged, being spoken aloud. Part of me wanted to run away as fast as I could and that part of me was gripped with an icy terror. I knew that fantasy wasn't reality and I was terrified now that the moment of fantasy had begun its dangerous trek into the realm of reality. I'm sure I opened and closed my muzzle half a dozen times with nary a sound making it out, my expression shifting mercurially as too many things and too many feelings raced through my head and heart... and loins.
"I... I need help..." I said, swearing that my heart was visible through a gaping hole in my chest, "but... I can't explain it. I... I c-can't talk about it." My tone was pleading, almost whimpering as I knew what I wanted but it was everything else, all of the other feelings and thoughts and emotions and hangups that were trying their level best to keep it from happening.
"What makes it difficult to talk about?" he asked in a measured tone, careful to watch his wording and tone, his expression turning slightly more serious as the look in his eyes made me understand that he knew what he held in his paws in that moment.
"I-it's... personal," I answered, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, my tail curling around to my feet, "and... and dangerous and..." I took a deep breath and let my head fall back against the wall with a small thump, "and it involves you."
His eyes widened a little, almost imperceptibly, at my statement and then a dawning look of realization lit in his eyes. A genuine, flattered smile spread unbidden across his muzzle and he shifted on the bed to face me, sitting cross legged as his tail draped over the edge of the bed.
"Kielan," he began, holding up a paw to make sure I didn't interrupt, "what you're feeling is natural. What you're feeling, you shouldn't be ashamed of it. Whatever it is, you're a good person..." he paused for a moment and sighed, shaking his head softly, "You're a good person who tortures himself for no reason."
"You don't even know what I was going to say," I spat at him with far more venom than I meant to as I pushed myself off the bed on to hindpaws, my tail thrashing irritably behind me... and then it dawned on me what I'd just said and done and I hung my head and sighed.
"Then why don't you tell me?" he asked in quiet simplicity,, his expression making it evident that he really did want to know. That he wasn't assuming anything.
aaand that's the end of part 1!
I have every intention of writing part two but your feedback would be really, super extra appreciated. No, seriously, I thrive on feedback. Also, if you want, you can send me an email to [email protected]