The Worst Idea (WARNING: TOILET VULGARITY)
Story by jechoes90 on SoFurry
This is filtered for obvious horror reasons. The worst idea I've ever come up with. You can smell it from there.
A few nights ago, I came up with the worst idea for, not just a story, but even a couple of sentences.
Little Darrin Hugby wants a pet, but his parents won't let him get one. While on the can one day, he comes up with an idea. Rather than flush it, he fishes out a turd and takes it for a walk. Somebody calls the police.
One day, he waits outside the bathroom while Dad's taking a dump. "Don't flush it, Dad. I'm starting a collection." Dad gets up to scold Darrin, but flushes first as a show of force. Darrin breaks into the bathroom. "I told you not to flush it!" He wallops Dad in the groin with a catchers mitt. Mom starts screaming. Darrin races to his room, and mom is there, obliterating the turd with a broom. She realizes what it is, turns to Darrin, who is inspecting her feet for the most appropriate place to bite it.
The asylum stooges bounce around the house with butterfly nets, looking for the culprit of the great turd scandal. They net one another a couple of times before Mr. and Mrs. Hugby come out, forcing Darrin into a hazmat suit, and interrogating him over all the places he took his so-called "Pet." They drop a mop and bucket on the sidewalk, point, and tell him to "clean." He does this for about thirty minutes, then throws the mop in front of a passing car. "You suck! Don't you know what was on these sidewalks before Goat-Splat came along?" Realizing that he has named the turd, they understand the punishment not to have done all of its duty. They march him back inside to force him to burn his room down, but the asylum stooges have made it in there, and they are rolling around, tangled up in a human knot from a warm-up accost attempt. All they can do is lie there in a shameful parody of civil enforcement.
Mrs. Hugby turns to her husband. "Get me out of this crazy place!"
For the rest of the story, Darrin fantasizes about being raised by aliens, then thinking which planet would have offered the best parents. He remembers a theory that some astronomer discovered dandruff on Saturn, but also remembers he heard it from a kid who stole his lunch money.