FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Memory 4

Final year. Exam season.

It all happened so quickly.

I'd added Bluebird back on Furbook a few months prior. He accepted, which surprised me, pleasantly. He was doing alright. He had some office job, wasn't looking to go back into education any time soon. I learned that from his timeline not via DMs. We didn't talk much.

I visited him once. I was planning to stay the night but I left after two hours. We went for coffee and he couldn't seem to look at me or say anything substantive and I couldn't take it.

I told him I wished that I could hold him in my arms again.

Bad move.

He didn't respond, just stared sullenly out the window. I burst into tears and ran out the shop.

He messaged me the next day asking if I was okay, if I wanted to talk about it. I said I was fine and that I was sorry for being such a queen.

The only contact we've had since then was him posting a happy birthday message on my timeline.

Ruben moved out with his girlfriend that year, Cecil and I didn't see him so much anymore. We were all still friends, but the distance was growing and we all knew it.

Being the fox among birds always made Ruben stick out, maybe that contributed to the distance. I hoped that was all it was. Maybe Cecil coming out as bi left Ruben feeling even more like an outsider. The only straight in the village.

So, I lived with Cecil for a while. He was my best friend and, yes, we fucked sometimes, but it was a casual thing. Friends with benefits, nothing more. In a different world perhaps we would have tried taking it further, but, well...

He knew I wasn't over Blue, though he thought it was ridiculous and let me know as much. To be fair, I guess it was.

Cecil coming out though, that was a highlight for me. We were preparing to go out one night, a few drinks deep already, and he dared me to take him to a gay club. I didn't think much of it at first and, of course, I said yes. Fast forward a couple hours and I see him chatting up this cute retriever guy, I still kinda thought he was pulling my leg, but before I made it over to them they were making out.

He said that was his first time kissing a guy. I gotta give it to him. He started out strong.

I had just about recovered from my hangover the next afternoon when I grilled him all about it. He said he was curious. I said you've tried it now, what do you think? He says he'd like to try it again.

Twenty minutes later I was deepthroating him. Ten minutes after that his dick was deep in my ass. Five minutes after that we were snuggling.

Give him a break, it was his first time with another guy.

College was a pain. Finals had to go well.

I missed Blue.

I missed Ruben.

But, still, I was happy.

Me and Cecil always had each other's backs, and butts too if we needed that.

It was five minutes before my final exam that I saw Blue had tweeted a pic of himself in a dress. The caption simply read: me.

It set my mind alight.

I didn't do so well on that exam.

Moment 1

High as I've ever been, falling through the pendulum of lies that encapsulate me. I felt that he had hit me, but he had really only hit on me in excess and left me with no rope to climb up from the borders of success. I should say she, but it's hard to change memory.

I could never climb, when with this bucket of champagne they landed me in stress. Shouldn't blame them for my own weak constitution. Shouldn't blame anyone for my failed grab at restitution. I wasn't owed any. Shouldn't blame anyone but myself.

Gather your farewells to all the stars and their credit card readers. Feel half dead, half a mind. Long term memory's all you got with a short term that's been shot. Shouldn't have chugged all that rum or shouldn't have done so much pot? The eternal question.

Or was it the cocaine or that pill? What it was didn't even matter to me. Nothing mattered, felt a dead-man walking for weeks before tonight. She gave me the pill, I accepted. A simple transaction. Oh Cynthia, my Cynthia. She seemed nice.

We were on a level, vibing as the positronic light show of the universe expanded and contracted all around us. I said something like: thicc booty bitch, be my baby tonight. Somehow the line worked. She must have thought I was funny, or at least easy.

Hadn't fucked a girl in so long. Never fucked a wolf before. Tonight she was the only one I could've cared about, could ever care about. You know, like I had this thing to call my own, when you gave me alone the desire to stare at the stars and whisper your name in vain hope that things would change. If the requirements weren't quite so high, if I wasn't that guy I once was, I would have carried you off in my arms. I liked to think that anyway.

She left me her thong, she forgot to put it back on, but before I knew it she was gone. I didn't see her again when I left the bathroom, back into the maelstrom. The pulsing the thumping the flashing. The club. Forgot who she even was.

You came up to me in my mind all glowing and grand and you said:

It's all about the stars hon.

It's all about the stars.

Do you remember that?

Lying half naked on the grass, together now, forever and past.

That's what I thought.

It's all about the stars.

You told me that.

Do you remember?

You taught me that.

And I looked up every night after you left and I saw your face and you would whisper sweet nothings like a gentle caress that would lull me to sleep.

It's all about the stars hon.

I didn't know.

And then I did.

Then I'm staring at a lamppost all alone without a reason or a care. Comfortably angry. Angrily comfortable. Here you come again, beautiful. Out of the past and into my head. Don't want to think too much about what you meant to me. I already know what that shit did to me.

Seems all my old friends had venom on their fangs and all my new friends a rainbow pumping through their veins. It's more than that. They make the world flash in and out of focus with every beat of my pulse.

Bad influence. Bad influence. They get high, I get high, they got me high. Simple science. It keeps my mind off her and him and him and her. It keeps my mind off of you. You have no idea.

My old friends all died as far as I care. I lie. My new friends have flames in their eyes 'cause they have places to climb. I lie. Every day's a good day for us to get fucked and fuck off. Felt like fuck this and fuck that, fuck broken hearts and heart breakers for sure. Fuck the noise and fuck your plans I never want to see you again. Fuck everything. I don't care. Never did. I lie.

Can't seem to stop lying.

God, I can't get rid of you. You just have to drag me back, don't you?

Pictures always caught my worst side. You know, I felt so shy when I found you impressed with mine. You look so cute in this one you said. I felt so big time. Lord did I not know a thing.

I'd go back to those days with you if you wanted, but you don't, and of course you don't, and of course you shouldn't. If pressed I'd admit I was wrong, but I wouldn't admit that I don't know why. And I don't know why.

Fucking days had passed but that was it hon. Just a birdie with a couple random men, just now and then. Was a lifestyle I got hooked on for a while, 'til I found that broken crooked toxic gang who took me in. Not sure it helped. Felt more robot than real a lot of the time. I think the real me got torn away that day with you, you know the one, but that could be the narcissism talking. I think I get away with it but then again I pay my debts to all my friends, or at least I try to. Would try to. If you ever let me in again. Or maybe that's just more lies. Cynthia, oh Cynthia. Where did that wolf go? I could do with another fuck.

You ever blacked out, but remained conscious? Me neither. But that's what this feels like. You're gone and I'm back inside the building. The early hours have raised their ugly heads.

I say: hey, make love to me, you make-lovey guy.

Okay it wasn't a great line, but worse worked for me the other day. Or was that an hour ago? I don't know. Anyway, the guy looked at me and started to cry. People I proposition don't normally have tears in their eyes.

The world found focus in his light.

Cecil.

I hadn't seen him in months.

God Ribbon, do you even know you've thrown up all over your shirt?

As a matter of fact I didn't.

Did Cecil tell me or did I figure it out myself.

Pressure on my side, then my back or maybe my butt. Guess I'm bottoming then. Works for me, if only I knew where I was or who was doing the fucking.

That lamppost again, I hope I don't get arrested for public indecency. Then again, all my clothes are on.

Ah, the pressure on my butt is a paw pressing me on and through and out and-

Anyway, not sex.

You know what? I don't feel so good.

Cecil says you don't look so good. Cecil says I'm taking you home.

I'm in a car. No I'm in a cab or an Uber or whatever.

Everything is pulsing. Everything is flashing in and out of existence. Wasn't I just at the club five seconds ago? I'm at the front door to an apartment I've never seen.

Thank you.

I think I said that. I think.

It's been a bad year.

It's been a real bad year.

"I know hon," Cecil says. "We should've never fallen out of touch."

He lays me on the sofa bed and as soon as I rest my head I-