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[SOMETHING BITTER]

Chase: You sure?

Leo: Yeah. Clean all the sugar outta my mouth.

He gives me a look, like he's not sure this is a good idea, but he pours. I was expecting it to be black, but it's bright blue-green, like river water, in spring, up in the mountains.

Chase: Just saying, Leo. This stuff's an acquired taste.

Leo: Think I can't handle it?

I grin. He doesn't.

Chase: Just don't say I didn't warn you.

I struggle not to wince at the taste. It's like hot rubber and rotting leaves and licorice and peroxide.

Why would anyone want to acquire a taste for THIS?

Wait, this is my room? Why here?

Alone.

Why?

Now I do wince, but it's not cause I can still taste the god-awful drink. Cause I moved and felt how beat-up I am. I'm bruised all over. There are scratches--no, not just scratches, I'm bleeding--on my face and back.

The window over my computer is broken.

Oh.

Oh no.

The memories rise around me like a flood.

The dreams. The blank stares. Terrified people looking past you at something you can't see.

The accusations.

The gunfire.

This is the night after... I still don't know what it was. The real bad shit. Whatever happened. Whole town went crazy. Even us. People died.

We almost died.

And they all escaped. Barely. Except for one.

He left. and you didn't.

Christ.

Why didn't I leave with him?

Because you can't stand the thought of a life on his terms, not yours.

You never could.

You knew he hated Echo.

You expected him to come back here for you?

Leo: Dammit, if he really loves me he can compromise!

So if you really loved him why couldn't you compromise?

You could have left for him. Followed him. You don't seriously think he'd end up somewhere people wouldn't have cars?

There'd be work for a decent mechanic.

Assuming you are one.

Leo: What about Mama!? Pops?! The family business?!

That matters more than he does?

The rest of their kids moved away already. And they were just fine!

So let's go down the list...

Expecting the lifelong arachnophobe to move back to the valley full of tarantulas.

Expecting your boyfriend to live with daily homophobic insults.

Expecting him to give up his career to do nothing but keep house for you in the middle of nowhere, where there's never anything to do.

Expecting the otter to live in the desert.

THOSE are all more reasonable than telling your PARENTS you're gonna MOVE AWAY?

You sure you actually loved him?

Leo: I fucking love him more than ANYONE!

Says you.

You're controlling.

And not on purpose, it just doesn't occur to you that people might, that HE might, possibly want to do something other than what you want him to do!

Not that that makes it better.

No wonder he gave up trying to get through to you.

You're jealous.

You don't trust him. You never trusted him.

You got suspicious because someone else tried to save his life!

You got suspicious because he, a gay man, was hanging out with a GIRL!

Who you were also hanging out with!

You're possessive.

You acted like you owned him.

You said yourself, this was the last time the whole group would be together, the last chance he was gonna have to see them, and yet you tried to keep him all to yourself.

Even when things were at their best, you would tell him what to do all the time.

Where not to go.

Who not to talk to.

You freaked out because he wasn't wearing the bracelet.

Why didn't you tie the bracelets together, if you wanted him handcuffed to you at all times!

Leo: It's not like that!

You've got anger problems.

You beat up Flynn just for raising his voice. And yeah, Flynn's an asshole.

But you're dangerous.

The first time you kissed Chase, you still had dried blood on your knuckles.

Look at the holes you've punched in the wall. You can't even deal with losing at a video game.

How long would it have been before you hit him?

Leo: I'd never!

You would.

Leo: I would NEVER hurt him!

That's what they all say before they do.

Leo: Shut up!

And after you did, you'd try to stop him leaving. Because you'd still be jealous, possessive, controlling...

Leo: SHUT UP!

You're not denying it.

Leo: I SAID SHUT UP!

I realize I'm shouting.

Even replaying this night in memory I don't realize I've been speaking aloud to an empty house till I'm shouting.

I really am just as unstable as everyone else in this goddamn town.

He was right to leave this place.

He was right to leave me.

He's better off without you.

Do I have to relive this?

He can do so much better than you.

What's the fucking point of this?!

Leo: But I loved him...

And he would have been better off if you never had.

Leo: I protected him!

Did you?

Didn't I?

No. I didn't. I failed so hard. He coulda died so many times tonight and most of them I wasn't there and even the ones I was there, I couldn't do anything.

And it doesn't fucking matter if I failed, cause protecting him or not he's gone. Having him was the only thing that mattered and I never will again.

I stumble toward the bed. I don't make it. I curl up on the floor. I pull a blanket down around myself. I pretend it still smells like him. It doesn't.

After a while, I notice I'm howling and sobbing at the same time.

It's a pretty familiar sound.

I can still hear it, even when I'm back in the bar.

And the fucking worst part is? I get what he meant. About this being an acquired taste.

I suspect I'm most of the way toward acquiring it.

Because hating myself for this feels good. Berating myself feels good. Hurting feels good.

Howling over it feels good.

It makes it feel like it mattered.

[I NEED A BREATH]