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My life is way too complicated at times. I'm not kidding here either. I'm a Snow Leopard born to two Lion parents, with a Lion older brother too. Dad didn't believe that I was really his, until blood tests proved it. By the relative standards of the time anyway. It was confusing as we had no Snow Leopards in our ancestry on either side so I'm not a throwback. A lot of folks think I'm adopted, I have to deal with that all of the time. (But if I'd of been adopted at least it would have meant Dad wanted me....SIGH...)

Mom is gone and has been for a while. She died of Ovarian Cancer when I was 5 and Rory was 7. Dad loves me, he says, but he's not 100% sure I am truly his son. And at best, he's been distant to me. I have his Sapphire Blue eyes as Rory does. And I have his emotional temperament too. But I know, just by observation, Dad doesn't love me like he loves Rory. Rory resembles Dad a lot. And he's a Lion too. Dad always makes me feel a bit of shame, like by being born a Snow Leopard, I let him down. None of it was my fault. Not that he insults me and says things to my face. I might actually prefer that. He just mostly ignores me or we fight over trivial things that don't matter.

As I get older, Dad gets even more distant. (Thank God for our family retainer, Edward, and Dad's bond mate, Beau Wilson. They always loved me and pretty much raised me. They gave me the love and attention most folks get from their parents, like Dad did give to Rory. Dad didn't even come to any of my Graduations. (I graduated High School at 13 and he went out of town on business, didn't even leave me a card or anything... SIGH. He didn't even offer to pay for College like he did for Rory. I paid my own College tuition and Medical training fees out of the money Grandpa Kitman left me.)

Who am I? Glad you asked. I'm now Dr Claude Micheal Kitman II. Named after my Paternal Grandfather. Grandpa loved me. He told me he knew right off I was Dad's, and even if I wasn't it didn't matter to him. From the first time he held me he knew he loved me. God only knows how much I loved him. Grandpa K told me it wouldn't matter to him even if I wasn't Dad's, I'd always be his Grandson. He was a big businesscat, but he adored his Grandsons. Me and Rory. As busy as he was he lavished a lot of love and attention on me. Rory too. (I realized after he was gone, he did it to make up for how distant Dad was to me.) I was always proud to carry Grandpa Claude's name and I loved him so much. I cried for months after he died. I felt so much more alone when he was gone from me like that.

He left us a lot of money. Me, because he was always afraid Dad would decide I wasn't his, and go off on me and/or abandon me. Especially after Mom died. So Grandpa left me $500 Million. Rory, he left the same amount as he wanted to treat us equally. So my brother and I are rich. But we kind of take it as a matter of course. We've always had money. If I'd ask for things, Dad would not answer, usually just shake his mane and walk off. But I'd find the money or what I wanted in my room a bit later. Whether it was him, or Beau or Edward, I didn't want to know.

But I know in my heart my Grandpa really loved me. He'd sit with me in his lap, and he'd unburden himself to me. I didn't understand so much of it til I was older. But Grandpa was so happy with how much I loved him and was devoted to him. When I was older, I realized, Grandpa badly needed someone who understood him, and listened to him when he talked about himself, his fears and joys and needs..Grandpa loved how devoted I was to him, and how I tried so hard to understand him and comfort him when he was sad or overstressed. Dad didn't listen to him, but Grandpa was so grateful Rory and I did. (I've come to realize it was after both Mom and Grandpa K had died, that Dad got so distant and cold to me and pulled away from me even further.)

I am a bit of a genius. Graduated High School at 13, College at 15 and Med School and Residency by 21. I'm an Internist now. And I practice with my best friend. Dr Nigel Davenport. Nigel's an English born Honey Badger. We met in the dorm at Sacramento State University while both in Med School. It was like we'd known each other all of our lives. Only Rory is anywhere near as close to me as Nigel is. Nige's 5'9, and 165 and a pretty Badger. Smart, funny, and quick of mind, and we're almost inseparable.

Me, well I'm 6'2" and 190 pounds. Kind of stocky. I have the Pale Grey with Black Rosettes fur of my species. My fur is very thick and fluffy. I have the thick, round, very fluffy tail of my species too. It's long too. As long as my body so I had to learn to carry it up all the time. It really hurts if someone steps on it. I have Dad's Sapphire Blue eyes too. Rather striking with my fur color. I have thick Off White hair and a goatee. I'm a bottom. (So are Nigel and Nate, Rory's a dedicated top. Try to fuck my older brother and you're going to get clawed rather badly.) Since I was little I've been told how attractive I am. Snow Leopards aren't rare, but we're not common either. I'm still called striking. And I have no problem finding guys to fuck me. I'm partial to big males. Horses, Bulls, Boars, Bears, Donkeys, those species that breed big males mostly.

Since I mentioned my older brother, I guess I'll tell you about him. Rory is a big Lion, bigger than Dad. He looks so much like Dad though. 6'9", 320 pounds. Rory works out a lot. He has Dad's Black mane and Sapphire Blue eyes. His tail tuft is Black too. He's a rock solidly built Lion. He's always loved me a lot. He never doubted I am Dad's son. He knows me better than anyone except for maybe Nigel. And he's always seen the resemblance between how Dad behaves and how I do.

Rory loves me, quite literally. He took my cherry. He'd come to the dorm missing me. And he begged me to let him make love to me. And I did. I don't know if he was aware when he did that I was a virgin. I told him afterwards. And he was happy and proud that I let him have my virginity. Rory is an amazing lover, he taught me a lot, rimming, oral sex, smoke sex, he encouraged me to find what I liked. He told me before he went home on that visit that if I wasn't his Brother he'd of bonded me. I would have taken him, I know in my heart I would have. (I sure as Hell would have tried. I'll end up with a Feline mate, it's just not my beloved older brother.)

One weekend, Dad had been truly horrible to me. We were fighting badly. And in the middle of a fight, Rory came and picked me up and carried me off. He took me to my room. And he kissed me and made love to me. I cried when we were done. And I held him tightly and cried harder. I told him I didn't know how I would have coped without his love. That I probably would have killed myself by now if not for him. He held me tightly. And let me cry it out. He had a tear or two going as well. He knew how much I needed his love and support. And he knew how grateful I was for his steady love and caring.

I never talked Dad down in front of him if I could avoid it. He loved Dad too. And I knew I didn't want to put him in the middle. But he hurt too, knowing how badly Dad had treated me since I was little. And it upset him because none of it was my fault. When I was a little cub, I tried very hard to make Dad love me. And after several years of being rebuffed like I was, I gave up. Until College, I was the very picture of the 'good son', hard working, straight A's, did chores and housework, helped Edward and tried to do things for Dad, fetch him coffee, etc. . And yet, it didn't help with Dad. Rory's childhood was affected by Dad's treatment of me too, but Rory never complained, never blamed me for it. My older Brother has a huge Leonine heart. He told me once he didn't know how I could cope, That if it was him he'd never be able to. Him and Edward and Beau and Grandpa are the only reason I could cope with Dad's rejection.

We fuck now still. He's got a mate. A big Grizzly who runs a gay bar. Teddy Mitchell, is a bottom Grizzly. And he really loves his Lion. I go to the Bear Den, Teddy's bar and get picked up a lot. I'm a bottom slut, what can I say. I've gotten the nickname 'Snowy' at the Bear Den. Guys talk about having fucked Snowy at such and such time. Or I'll be addressed as Snowy when they're trying to get me to go home with them.. I'm fine with it truthfully. It seems related to my sexual self. No one else refers to me as that in any other aspect of my life. So if someone calls me 'Snowy' I know it's an old sex partner or someone who knows me from the Bear Den and wants to fuck me. I'll usually oblige them. (I especially have a thing for big, butch, older males. Yes, I know I have Daddy issues. So sue me. Given my childhood and life so far, who wouldn't have them. I have them so I might as well figure a way to enjoy them and I do.)

While we are uncommon, I have a good friend who's also a Snow Leopard. My Physician's Assistant, Nate Porter. Nate's a year older than me. Smaller than me too, Nate's 5'9" and 175 pounds. He has Dark Amber eyes, very sexy, like Cats eye gem stones. Nate's bright, funny, playful and a bottom too. Our patients have nicknamed him 'Snow Meow' and he likes it. (Our patients also have the impression at times we're related since we're both Snow Leopards) He'll call me Snowy at work to tease me. He lives with us, as does Nigel and the three of us go out frequently. Nate is bright and funny, and I do care a lot about him. He and Nigel and Rory are the animals closest to me. They love me and I love them. And I'd do anything for any of them. (Nate's actually taken Dad on directly when he's being nasty to me. He shamed him on more than one occasion. Nate told Dad if he hated me as much as it seemed he did he should just be honest and admit it, and move out. Dad didn't apologize, but he did leave me be for a while. When he's mad, Nate is practically fearless, but he doesn't get mad often.)

Nate moved in when his parents divorced. He loved them both, refused to take sides, and he spent time helping his own Dad deal with 'coming out'. I've heard a lot about Jackson Porter from Nate, but we've never met. He works for Dad, in some important capacity, and he moved out when Dad moved CMK out here to be with his son. I know in my heart Dad's only here because Rory is. I have no illusions about that.

Dad and his bond mate live with us too. I'd bought this house when I came out to California to go to Medical School. Rory came out to go to school and he got a M.B.A. at Sacramento State and he's Dad's COO at our family's conglomerate. CMK Industries. Dad moved the main offices out here when Rory moved in with me. (I might add that he was fine with me leaving Alabama to go to California for Med School, never even bothered to write or visit....SIGH. But then again I moved out here because I liked Sacramento State and Sacramento and I needed some peace. For a few years it was great. No stomach churning tension by having Dad here. He didn't tell me he was coming out here to live. He just moved CMK's offices and he told Rory. He and Beau showed up here one day with their stuff while I was at work.)

Our long time family retainer came out when Dad did. Edward Featherstone, and he's a big Red Fox. He practically raised Rory and I after Mom died. Him and Dad's bond mate. Beau is a big ole Redneck Saber Tooth. Easy going, happy most times. Not stupid, but had no education past the 10th grade, he had to quit school to support his family. Beau's a versatile who seems to mostly bottom for Dad.

Things between Dad and I have always been a bit tense at best. He's had moments when he'll get really angry at me, over very little things. Beau Wilson, his bond mate, a big Saber Tooth tries hard to mediate and get Dad to soften towards me.. Beau's been around us since I was born. (He was Dad's groundskeeper when Mom was alive.) And he loves me as he loves Rory. Beau always tells me he knows I'm Dad's. And I always get the feeling he knows something Dad and I don't. Beau's a big, heavyset male. And he's not very well educated, but by no means is Beau stupid.

I know Dad wouldn't have come out to California if it was only me here, he wouldn't even come visit me before Rory moved out with me. Rory and I talk a lot about Dad. He knows how Dad is, and he has tried to mediate things, but Dad's never going to love me as he loves Rory. Sometimes if I address him directly, he'll ignore me, or he'll act like I'm not around when the rest of the family is. It hurts, and it's gotten worse since I am of age. Best way for me to communicate with him is by letter, or leaving him a note. He'll leave me one back. So when I have to deal with him that's what I do..(He's not given me his cell number or his email address.)

When interviewed by the business press he'll talk freely about Rory and how proud he is of him. But only mentions me if asked direct and insistently. I'd think he'd be proud of me for being a genius, and getting to be a Physician at an early age. I was interviewed by Fortune magazine once. 'The brilliant young son of the CMK CEO and owner, who became a Doctor at age 21'.(I am 25 now) Dad hit the ceiling. He threatened to sue them. Came completely unglued in their editorial office.

We had a big blow out a year ago. I told him if he didn't consider me his son,, and hated me as much as he seemed to, he could just move the fuck out of my house. He didn't, Rory wouldn't leave here .Rory loves me and is happy living with me. So Dad stayed too. I cried for a long time after that. Nigel and Beau comforted me a lot. It's torture sometimes to have him here with me and being the way he is. Jonas, my therapist thinks that's why he won't move out. He knows how much he can hurt me by staying here. (He's hurting too. He does love me. But he can't cope with seeing me and being reminded that Mom might have betrayed him. And yet, he won't let go of me on the off chance I really am his.)

And I began to ignore Dad altogether. when I could. But it hurt so badly. Edward is mine now since I own the house, but Dad will still try to instruct him or deal with matters concerning the house. Edward has had to gently tell him it's my house and I am his owner now. Dad's not happy over it. But he has no choice but to live with it. I'm always more relaxed when he's gone on business trips. I really wish he would move out, but I can't seem to make myself kick him out like my therapist says I should. Dr Jonas White has been my therapist since I moved up here.

Jonas and I have had many sessions talking about Dad and my parentage. I have told him, I just want this fighting to be over. I want to either make him sure I'm his or prove I'm not. So I can get him off of my back and go on with my life. I know in my heart, he'll never get past this and love me as his son. And I'm not sure I care much anymore. But then something will happen, we'll fight again or he'll go out of his way to snub me, and I'll be broken up again because my Daddy doesn't love me.. I've cried so much over it, why my Daddy doesn't and will never love me. None of it my fault or under my control.

I've even gone as far as thinking about moving out myself. Go somewhere far away and start a new life and a new practice and try to be happy. But I've got animals around me who mean the world to me. It's only him that upsets me. I'd not want to lose Beau either. I love that Redneck Saber Tooth. And I've wondered how life would have gone if he'd of raised me as his. He's given me more love and attention in one week than Dad has all of my life.

We have another couple living with us. Dmitri and Yuri Petrov. They're Russian born Siberian Bulls, and they are brothers. They are lovers too. And bonded. They've gotten a lot of crap for it. And they had their rental house sold out from under them. They own the gym that Rory goes to. I invited them to come live with us and they happily did. A pair of loving and happy Bulls. Dmitri is bigger. 7' and 400 pounds of Chocolate Brown furred Bull muscle. He's the older brother, and much more pragmatic. Big Bull dick on him too. 16". And he's good with it.

Yuri Petrov has Deep Gray fur and is smaller. 6'8" and 340 pounds and well built too. Yuri is happy and loving and very caring. He's smaller, 14" and a gentle tender lover. They both have the most amazing Crystal Blue eyes. Yuri's the sort who'd do anything for someone he loves. I love my Russian Bulls. And they liven up the house with their joy and love. My Russian Bulls have comforted me at times too. They'll take me to them and be so loving and attentive, and both make love to me. They try hard to comfort me when they know Dad's upset me again. They don't talk to him at all unless they have to. Dmitri cussed him out in Russian once. While I understand Russian Dad doesn't. If he noticed Dmitri's tone he didn't say so.

Come the week before my 25th birthday. (Aug 8th) Dad and I have been at odds all week. And I'm really busy at the office too. Dad's been a real pain, and I'm almost at my limit with him. If it keeps up I will throw him out, or else I'll move out. I've talked to Nigel about it. He'll go with me. Don't know if Rory and Teddy will. Jeanie, my Lynx receptionist tells me Dad's holding and he's being obnoxious. I tell her to tell him that I can't talk now that I am too busy and am with patients. She calls me back to tell me he cursed her and hung up.

I"m going to have to have it out with him now. I won't have him abusing my office staff. I tell Jeanie I'm sorry for how my asshole Dad acted. And if he shows up here, just don't talk to him and call Security for the building. I'm sitting and fuming. But I keep seeing my patients. And I talk to Nigel when I have a minute. He agrees it's getting out of hand. I ask him to call Rory at his office and see if he'll go meet us at the Bear Den, if he's going to be with Teddy tonight. He agrees. I want to see if I move out if Rory and Teddy will come with me.

We finish out the day. Nigel and I go eat an early dinner at a local diner that's close to our offices. When we go to leave, my Mercedes S560 doesn't want to start. It's less than six months old. I'm getting more annoyed by the moment. It does finally start and I decide to take it to the dealership. I take it in. The Service department isn't closed yet, but is too busy to work on it right then. They give me a loaner. A S560 coupe. Metallic Bronze and loaded. Nice car.

I have a brief chat with the mechanic who'll work on it tomorrow. He's a big Bull. The name Dusty is on his shirt. I smile. His fur coat is Red Brown, yet has light fur tones on the tips of his fur in places. Makes him look like he's partially covered in dust.. His Green eyes are bright and sexy. He has a big smile going now and it too is sexy. His hair and beard are Red Brown too. He has huge hooves as well. And the bulge in his coveralls is starting to get bigger as we talk. He's smiling at me for sure. But if he's interested in me he doesn't do anything about it. I'd be under him quickly for sure. I get the keys for the loaner and they've filled it up with gas. He'll call me on Monday when it should be done.(It's Thursday night.) I make sure he's got my home and work numbers. (I'm really hot for him, but he's more interested in Nigel. It was Nigel making him hard not me.)

Nigel and I drive to the Bear Den. I'm kind of in a funk when we get there. I'd wanted that Bull, and I'm miffed that my new car is not working right. I have another car. An Audi R8 Spyder. But it's a two seater and it's kind of conspicuous when I drive it. I usually save it for pleasure trips. As I hate to use it with the top up and to park it at the Medical Arts building's garage I'd have to. And I don't even want to think of what Dad wanted of me. I'm fed up with his attitude.

I ask Rory if he knows why Dad called me. "He was mad as hell" I tell my older brother. "Claude, you should have talked to him, Beau told him something important this afternoon, Dad had talked to Jack Porter and he wanted you to order some tests for him and you and me and Jack" Rory says. "Trying to prove I'm not his again?" I ask angrily. Rory looks sad. "I'm afraid so, Beau knew Mom had had an affair, just didn't want to tell Dad, since he had one with her too, but Beau finally told Dad" Rory says. "Oh great, why won't Dad just move out, he hates me, and he wants desperately to prove I'm not his, he'll probably want me to give him Grandpa's money if he finds I'm not his" I say angrily. Rory looks sadder. "I know why he won't leave, he wants to stay with his 'real' son, and he'll put up with being around me to stay with you" I snort. Nigel takes my paw. He knows how much this hurts me. "Claude, I am sorry for this, I know it hurts you badly" Rory says hugging me. "I know, I'm glad you love me anyway" I say quietly.

"Claude, maybe Teddy and I should move out, then maybe Dad would" Rory says. "I was going to ask if you'd move out of the house if Nigel and I left, and maybe you guys would come with us" I say. "I don't want him to cost me my brother, Rory, I love you too much" I say softly. "Claude, he did talk to me about moving out if I'd come with him" Rory says. "Then, I'm sorry, I'm not putting you in the middle here, Rory, I don't want you hurt any worse than you have been already" I say quietly. Rory strokes my face. "You are my brother, you have been all our lives, I don't know why Dad's so bent over this "Rory says. I'm quiet.

Rory's cell rings, He looks at it and walks off. "Must be Jim" Teddy says. I nod. "Claude, I'm so sorry for this, he's so rigid about this, he's hurt Rory, put him in the middle, and Rory refuses to take sides" Teddy says. "I'm really sorry, Teddy, I never wanted any of this to happen, let alone have Rory dragged into the middle of it." I say softly.

"I don't understand your Dad, I heard you tell him point blank if he hated you, and thought you weren't his son, to get the fuck out" Teddy says. "He should have left then" Teddy says quietly. "Baby Grizzly, it's not that simple, if there is even a chance Claude's his he doesn't want to throw him away" Rory says softly. "Could have fooled me" I snort. "He's never really loved me, Rory, I know he hasn't, he's loved you, and he's never been anywhere near the Dad to me that he has been to you" I say. And to my surprise I burst into tears. Rory and Nigel hug me. "I know, Claude, it hurts me too" Rory says quietly.. I look at him. I know he hurts for me. But I'm tired of this. I need this to end.

I'm not wanting to get mad at Rory because I'm so mad at Dad. (Jonas thinks that Dad is trying to drive a wedge between Rory and I. And make him pull away from me.) "Claude, I get it, I've seen how he's treated you all along, and I understand and it hurts me to see how he's been to you, even if you aren't his, you're completely innocent here." Rory says stroking my soft, fluffy fur.

"But there's more now to this than you think" Rory says."Claude, Jack Porter and Beau had a threeway with Mom, and less than a half hour later Dad fucked her, you could belong to any of them, I'm just assuming Jack Porter since you're a Snow Leopard" Rory says. I nod. I understand and I'm too upset by it to say anything. (I mean seriously. Who wants to hear about their Mom having a three way, especially when neither of them were their Dad. EWW!) "Beau told Dad about it today, hoping it'd help somehow, and he held it back for a long time, now technology has caught up, and Beau thinks it could all be settled now, they want blood from you, Beau, Grandpa Russell, Dad and Jack Porter" Rory says softly. "They want blood from me too, to compare you against" Rory says. I'm torn. I'd really love to know the truth. I need all of this conflict with Dad to end one way or another. Yet I know it won't be the end. Dad won't let it go even if it shows I am his real son.

"Who wants what?" I ask feeling confused now.. "Dad's got the Genetic Research program at Sacramento State wanting to help, if they do, he'll give them a huge grant" Rory says. (With our kind of money it's not a huge grant. Turns out to be a mere $20 Million.) "They'll take blood from all of you and do a DNA analysis on you, and I, and find out conclusively who's son you are" Rory says. "I know, they'll do a full genetic profile on us both" I say softly. But one thing confuses me.'Why Grandpa?" I ask. "Mom's dead, no possibility of getting viable DNA" Rory says. I'm not happy here all of a sudden. Dad is willing to spend a lot of money to prove I'm not his son. And what if it proves I am his son. Will he even try to make up for 24 years of scorn and neglect? Can he? And will I be able to open up and let him? Doubtful. He's hurt me so badly. I have doubts that this could benefit me at all. I could be Dad's and he won't believe it even with indisputable DNA results.

"What does he want me to do?" I ask. "Give blood and write orders for the genetic tests for him, Jack and Beau and I, Grandpa's willing, like me he wants this to end, he's hated seeing how Dad's treated you." Rory says. "Why Beau?" I ask. "That supposed three way, I'd guess but I have no clue about it, Claude" Rory says quietly. I nod.

I don't want to think about Mom having a three way with Beau and some guy I don't even know. And he's my best friends Dad. And he's a Snow Leopard. And then Dad fucked her. (EWWW! I'm ready to run for the Brain Bleach.) But it is important. Any one of them might be my father. But I know I'd sleep with Beau for sure. He's a versatile, but I've heard him remark on how Dad won't let him play, but won't let Beau fuck him. Our big, pot bellied Saber Tooth Tiger is a sexy one. I've seen him naked once. He's got a really fat Feline dick. And huge, low hanging balls. (And I realize how Beau is, and how he's always been with me. I'd of loved to have been his son for real.)

I sigh. I can do it, no biggie. Grandpa will go into the lab at Rice University and they'll take his blood and and do what ever tests Sacramento State wants. "Do I call Jack Porter?" I ask. "Dad's talked to him, he had no idea he might be involved at all" Rory says. "He didn't know Dad knew he'd had an affair with Mom" Rory says. "I guess I'd better warn Nate" I say softly. Nigel nods. "I will if you need me to" Nigel says.

I turn to Rory. "What if it proves I'm not Dad's son?" I ask Rory. "You're still my Brother, Claude, we share a Mother" Rory says softly. I'm not happy now. Though he's right, it would make us only half Brothers. Nigel's aware I'm upset. I'm a very emotional Feline. And I'm not wanting to get upset solely to keep from hurting Rory. I do love him a lot. This has all been way too much a part of my life. I need it to end. I need closure here. But I won't hurt those who love me for real. I have entertained the thought of just up and running away. Start a practice somewhere else. I know Nigel would go with me. But there are so many who love me. And a lot of guys I've liked and fucked. No one to write home about, no one I'd of taken as mine. (Jonas says I've convinced myself no one will love a bastard Feline like me. Money, looks, charm and sexual talent to the contrary. I was cursed from birth and still suffering over it. That part he's right about. And I need it to end one way or another.)

I walk off and take out my cell. "Nate, we really need to talk, where are you?" I ask. "I'm home" he says. "I'll come get you, can you wait outside for me to pick you up?" I ask. "I really don't want to risk running into Jim Kitman and I'll be right there" I say. "Sure, Claude" he says. I hang up. "Rory, make sure Nigel gets home, please" I say softly. "Where you going?" Nigel asks. I sit and I tell him. "You want me with you?" he asks. 'I might, but I think Nate might need some privacy" I say. Nigel looks at me. "I should go, Claude, he's my best friend as much as he is yours." he says. I look at him. He's right, I'm going to be emotional and Nigel will be the best at keeping me together. "OK Furball, you're right as usual" I say. I know I'm close to my limit here.

"Claude, be gentle with him" Rory says. I glare at him. "I regularly tell folks bad news, and things they don't want to hear but need to, I think I know what to do" I snort. "Claude, don't get mad at me" he says softly. I can feel my control over my temper slipping badly. And I do what I really didn't want to. I explode. "Don't keep being on his side" I snort. "Claude!" Rory snorts. "You get all of his love, and you have no idea how deeply I've been hurt and scarred by this, and you wanted this stuff done too" I say breaking into tears. "He loves you only, damn it, he'll never love me, no matter what we find out" I say getting angry. Me angry and sad is not good. All I want to do at a time like that is make others feel as bad as I do. Nothing to be proud of but it is how I get.

"I'll never get the love and caring he withheld from me, and gave to you" I say shaking in anger. "You want him, you just want proof I'm not his so you're his only son" I holler. Rory just looks at me, and he's got a tear or two going on. I wronged him badly. And I hate myself for it now. I never wanted to hurt him nor risk losing him. I call Jonas but when it goes to his voice mail, I hang up and I turn and run for the door, and Nigel's hot on my heels. I open the loaner car and we get in. We belt in and I drive off fast. I turn off my cell. I've not had time to enter it into this car's Bluetooth system.

I have to admit I like this car. It's big and comfortable for me, and though a coupe it's got a big back seat. I think I'll buy it tomorrow. Or Monday when I get my car back, I'll keep my old car too. I know I'm just trying not to think about how badly I just fucked up. And what I've probably lost.. I may have pissed off Rory and lost his love. I'm about ready to say the Hell with it all. Move out with Nigel and Nate maybe and see if Dmitri and Yuri will come too. Buy a house or a Condo. Edward has to come with me as well. Leave them to be together, Dad and the son he really wants.. But I know in my heart how badly I've wronged Rory. He's been pulled at by both of us for so long. He's bound to want this to end as badly as I do.

Nigel knows I'm upset. "Claude, don't run, I know how bad you hurt, and I'm willing to bet you're still thinking about moving out, get Nate and Yuri and Dmitri, and Edward and just go, you know I'll go where you do" he says. "Maybe, but I want Nate prepared, who knows, maybe he's my half brother too, like Rory would be" I say weeping gently again. (It won't be that simple) We're silent til I get home. Dad's out waiting with Nate. Just exactly what I didn't want yet again. I pull into the drive anyway, but I know it won't end well. And I get mad all over again. For once, I really want Dad to start with me. I'm aching for a fight now. I'll lay into him so hard he won't know what hit him. Make him hurt as badly as he's hurt me over the years. (Not a very adult or productive thing to want to do, but there you go.)

"Claude, come inside and talk to me" he says firmly. "I've been around for 24 years and you've assiduously avoided talking to me, why now?" I ask angrily. "I don't want to lose you, you might still be mine" Dad says softly. I snort. "Claude, you hurt Rory badly tonight" Dad says. "I wonder, you worry that I hurt Rory, but have you given any thought to how badly you've hurt ME" I holler. "Or hurt me worse by loving him and hating me" I snort. (I'm beyond trying to be reasonable, I have for so long, and he rejected it. And I know I'm being extremely hostile and not helping matters, but I have to have this stop.) "If you want to calm things down it's only because of him, cause you've never given a shit about me." I holler. Dad looks down at the ground. I've stung him, but I don't feel any better.

"I'll have that shit done, but it won't matter, you've burnt any bridges that existed between us a long time ago, you'll never be able to make it up to me" I snarl. "I'm still amazed you didn't drown me at birth, like the unwanted pet you've always seen me as." I snort and he looks like I just hit him. He's so mad he's shaking and he can't speak for a moment. "Better that you had of, than for me to grow up knowing how hated and unwanted by you I was, and none of it was my fault, I didn't make Mom have an affair, I can't blame her though, gotta wonder how much love she probably needed but couldn't get from you" I snarl. "Not my fault Mom might have intentionally conceived me with someone else" I snap. . He's even madder. He roars at me, so mad he can't make words. Time to go now. Mission accomplished.

Nate's gotten in the car. Time for one more parting shot. "Fuck off, Mr Kitman, I told you to get out of my house once already if you hated me and you wouldn't leave, so maybe I will, leave you with the son you want, just stay the Fuck away from me from now on" I holler and I peel out. "Claude, what's wrong, and why did you want to talk to me so bad" Nate says calmly. "There is a good chance your Dad might be my Dad too" I say still angrier than I want to be.. Nate's like me, he'll handle the truth right off. And he does. "So like, you might be my half brother?' he asks. I nod. And I tell him what Rory said Beau told them. Nate's quiet. "I'd love it if you were my Brother, Claude" Nate says stroking my hair from the back seat. It starts to calm me down a lot. I fight tears. I know Nate and Nigel love me. We've been close since we met, and they care for each other as much as they do me.

"So how do you feel about it, I know you've never even met my Dad? he asks. "I think I'd be happy if he was my real Dad, it'd put an end to this" I say. "I wouldn't mind him being my Dad, you turned out so impressively, he'd be a better Dad than I have now if he just acknowledged I was his., Nate" I say fighting tears. "Jim Kitman didn't set the bar very high" I snort. And Nigel tells him what Dad's gonna have done. Nate's thinking it out. "Dad and Mom got divorced last year, she found out he'd had an affair but didn't know with whom, that plus him coming out to her" Nate says softly. "If it was your Mom though, you are almost my age, it would have been a long time ago, Claude" Nate says. We're all quiet for a bit as I keep driving aimlessly around Sacramento. I look in the rear view mirror and Nate looks lost in thought, yet doesn't seem upset.

"Other than being Snow Leopards, we don't look much alike" Nate says quietly. "I know, and I have Dad's eyes, and temperament" I say. Nate has the same color fur and all as I do, but his hair and soul patch goatee are White and he has those Dark Amber eyes. He's smaller and much more slender built than I am. "Claude, don't you want to know, to put this behind you?" Nate asks. "I do, but I don't think for one moment Dad will let it rest, we had DNA tests done once and they supposedly proved I am his, but it only eased his mind for a short time, I have no reason to think this will solve anything, but I will do it" I say. "I need to know, and I have to do what I need to when I know the truth." I say softly. Nate nods. And we drive on in silence for a while. "I could be Dad's, or I could be your Dad's or I might be Beau's son, no knowing til I get the tests." I say. (Not quite how it works out, the threeway is the key here.)

"Claude, you should go back to the Bear Den, apologize to Rory" Nigel says quietly. I nod. "I can't though, I don't want to deal and I don't want to go home, I'd take us off somewhere nice,but we have to work tomorrow" I say softly. They nod. (I know they remember a fight with Dad where I just up and took the three of us to Maui for a week. We all had a great time.)

"I'll drop you off and go to a motel or something" I say softly. Nate shakes his head. "You shouldn't be alone tonight, Claude" Nate says. "I'll just go somewhere to sleep" I say quietly. "You won't sleep, you'll lie awake and stew and worry, I know you, Claude" Nate says. "You should talk to my Dad anyway" Nate says softly. "You two should meet, and he deserves to know it all too, before you just show up at his door, and say 'Hi Daddy'" Nate says quietly. I nod. But I have to laugh. Nate knows me so well. He knows blunt little old me just might if I can't figure out how else to tell him.

"I'll call him" Nate says. And he does. I'm busy driving and I don't want to listen. They talk for a while. And he hangs up. (Nate's commented in the past that I look more like his Dad than he does. We thought nothing of it. But I do occasionally forget how smart Nate is, he wants his Dad to see the resemblance too. And he thinks we will hit it off.) (Nigel, on the other paw, knows how bad I'm hurting, and he's thinking I'll go after Nate's Dad, he knows I get comfort through sex, he knows Jack Porter recently came out, and he knows me, Jack Porter maybe being my Dad, wouldn't stop me from sleeping with him. And he's right. It doesn't.)