Croc Shock (GOO GATOR TFTG)
Air travel sucks. Sometimes being on the ground isn't much better.
"Why are you in my swamp?"
-Po, "How to Raise Your Dragon" (2001)
You have not had a cigarette in 12 hours.
You could have had one before you left home. But no, you didn't want to get into the cab smelling like smoke.
(Those rideshare guys had enough problems already.)
And you could have stepped into the smoking area at the airport, if the caB hadn't run into morning traffic, forcing you to run for the check-in desk, and then security.
And that's when you learned your airport didn't have any smoking areas once you were past the metal detectors.
Your connecting airport was the same. Which meant you could eat lunch, or exit, smoke, and have to go through security again. You chose lunch.
Turned out the second flight had lunch.
When you got to New Orleans, you decided to just head straight to your hotel. Which wasn't your hotel. Overbooked. They transferred your reservation to a sister establishment. Even paid for the cab.
And when you finally got to the new joint, you had to wait in line behind a family that was arguing with the desk clerk -- and each other -- about who used more of the minibar, and some guy who must have had beans the night before.
The hotel has a great view, if you really, really liked swamps. But it also has a dock, so when you stomp out to the gazebo at the end, you are very grateful for the privacy.
It's a nice gazebo, as gazebos go. People probably take wedding photos there. Not that you care.
You only care about one thing.
When you pull out the pack and the matches and take your first drag, your hands barely shake at all.
Funny. You just noticed you had a headache. And your jaw hurts - were you grinding your teeth?
It's like drinking water and realizing how thirsty you really were, all along.
After about half the cigarette's gone, you look at it. You're _definitely_gonna quit. This time for good. Just like the other times.
But until that day, two.
Two cigs. Just two.
You stare out into the swamp as twilight draws in. Flip your first smoke out, watch the amber end spiral down into the green water. You can almost hear the hiss. Or you think you can, anyway.
It floats there for a few seconds.
Then the water bubbles.
Your first thought is that you hit a pocket of swamp gas. Your second thought is that maybe you should duck and cover. And while you're still stepping back from the rail, something else happens.
The water rises.
Not all over. It's not time to grab your waders and run for the stadium. Just in a single area. Two small areas, right next to the spot where your cigarette is. Like little peaks.
Little red peaks.
You're pretty sure water isn't supposed to be red, generally speaking.
The two red peaks keep rising. You squint. They look familiar. Like...like a bow. That's clearly a bow. Was someone swimming there?
The answer, as it happens, is 'yes'.
For certain definitions of 'someone'.
The head wearing the bow isn't human. It's not even mammal. It looks like a crocodile. Or alligator. Or caiman. Maybe you should've paid more attention in Bio class.
Though the specifics probably don't matter.
Should you run? Can it climb up? Would it leave you alone?
And why does it look so strange? Why does the light do that to it?
Why does it have big round eyes?
And why the bow?
The head clears the water.
She - unless it's a male gator who wanted to look pretty - looks around, sees you staring over the railing, with your jaw swinging low.
"Evening, honeh!" she says.
H-hi?
"I'm Alli!"
That's nice?
"Allie Gator!"
...Of course she is.
She keeps rising, until you can see her very, very human-ish shoulders. Like she's some kind of weird mascot. What is she standing on? Is there some platform under the water?
Is this a trick? Who would go through this much trouble to mess with you?
You look up at the gazebo ceiling. No hidden cameras. Well, you assume. It's dark up th-
The lights come on.
You thank whoever installed the timer.
No cameras.
Down below, Allie is up to her ankles.
"Mind if ah come up?"
...Come up?
"Thanks!"
No, that's not what you-
She reaches out with her right arm. It's way too short to reach. Until it stretches, and stretches, and her pudgy little fist wraps around the railing.
You step back.
Her second arm follows the first, and then she follows both arms. With her bulk, she's not exactly nimble. It takes her a while to climb over. When she finally lands - and makes the whole gazebo shake - she breathes heavily, hunches over, holds up a finger.
"Hold on...honeh...ah need a minute!"
She's not standing up straight, but you can tell there's something off about her texture. There isn't enough of it for a real gator. It's simplified. She doesn't seem solid, like she's made of thick, green swampwater. Thick tail, chubby arms and legs, flat chest - relatively speaking - but between that voice and that bow, she's definitely female.
All in all, she's shaped a stereotypical gator. Like a mascot, or a sports team's logo.
Or...a cartoon.
You look at the unlit cig in your hand, and the pack in the other. Definitely need to quit.
"What...was that...sweetie?"
You said, she can take her time.
"Thank you!"
Her breathing slows down, and she straightens up. There's something in her. Maybe branches or sticks.
Is she hanging around this gazebo for fun, or for something in particular?
"No, sugah, I'm here for you."
Your eyebrows go up.
"I'm here to offer you the opportunity of a lifetime!" the hallucination says.
And what opportunity would that be?
"A whole new life!"
How?
"By ending your old life!"
You look at her, and then you look at the hotel. You could reach the back doors in less than a minute--
"Not like that, honeh! Let me tell you a story. Ah was just sittin' around, fishin'-"
Couldn't she just swim and catch fish?
"Ah wasn't a gator yet. And hush. When ah was in my borin' ol' human body, ah was sitting around with my rod in my hands--"
You manage not to snicker.
"--when something comes out of the water, just like ah did now. Make me an offer, just like ah did now."
Did she accept?
"Not at first." Her eyes narrow, like she's remembering something. "Honestly, ah seem to recall a certain amount of running and screaming. Didn't get away, though."
That's right, you saw it on TV or something. Alligators are faster than humans on land. Or was it crocodiles? Of course, she's not a normal either-of-those.
What happened next?
"More screaming. And it put me in this. This--" She raises her arms. "--this new look, new life. I'm afraid the precise details elude me."
With her arms in that position, the light hits them differently. And you see, for the first time, that it's not a stick in there.
It's an arm.
It's a human arm.
Like she's a person in a gator suit.
A person who should be drowning.
As if the arms weren't impossible enough.
Your throat is dry all of a sudden. You swallow, hard.
Who...who was she before? When she was out there fishing?
Her eyes go distant again. "Y'know, ah can't rightly recall!"
Not even her name?
She shrugs. "Reckon it must not have been important."
You nod, slowly.
Can she tell you more about the benefits?
"Well, there's-"
You break for the hotel.
Just as you clear the entrance to the gazebo, Allie says "Well, first of all, I'm amphibious--"
A few steps up the dock, you risk a look over your shoulder. She's not even chasing after you. Just standing there, looking like a cartoon.
Like a cartoon.
How do chases go in cartoons?
You stop yourself without any conscious thought, just in time to avoid crashing into Allie, dead ahead of you.
"--means ah can live in the swamp. No rent, no mortgage, no credit score required--"
Okay, that sounds pretty good, but--
Her arms close in on you, and you duck, spin around her, and keep heading toward the hotel.
...The dock wasn't this long on the way in.
You look back again. She's right where you left her, not in the gazebo. And now she is chasing you. Why is she walking?
There's an outhouse coming up. Door's open. You dart inside, slam the door behind you, and remember that there was no outhouse on your way in and also why would a fancy hotel have an outhouse anyway? In case someone couldn't hold it in for a whole three minutes?
"--and ah can bend the laws of space, time, and logic to my will!"
Allie's heavy footsteps vibrate through the wood you're standing on. She comes into view through the crescent moon in the door, and looks in at you.
"'Course, ah can only do it when it's ironic. And not in the 'thousand spoons' way."
You step back from the door.
And, for lack of better options, slide the bolt over.
"Hey, ah forgot to ask you somethin'."
What?
"Can you swim?"
...Swim?
The outhouse has nothing but a hole in the floor. Not even any magazines. Not even any smell. And most importantly, no signal for your phone.
In the corner, it says your carrier is G-Mobile.
Why did she say swim? The only water around here is her. And the swamp.
You shine your phone's flashlight down the hole.
The water's rising.
That's...probably a bad thing.
Allie pipes up. "Way ah see it, honeh, you got two options. Come outside and have a chat-"
Fat chance.
"-or, y'know, not. Your choice."
The water reaches the rim of the hole and spills over, toward the floor. And starts to puddle, like a shower stall after your roommate's shedding clogged the drain.
There's a second - a half-second - where you worry about your shoes. That second is somewhere in several more seconds, as you basically jump up to the ledge, next to the outhouse hole.
It's hard to get stable.
It's the water's fault.
Not because the ledge is wet - though it is - but because there's something wrong with your feet.
You seem to have spares.
Invisible spares, fitted over your actual feet like some weird mascot costume. All you can see is water pooling at the bottom.
What?
You lift a foot, and when you tilt it, the water runs down. Exactly like an invisible mascot costume. And if you swirl it around, you can get an idea of the shape-
Water on your other ankle.
After you almost try to bring both feet up at the same time - which wouldn't be very effective, considering that you haven't discovered the secrets of levitation - you put one leg down and bring up your second foot.
Definitely a mascot costume. It's hard to tell in the dimness, but - it even has cute little claws.
Water's up your calf, almost to your thigh. You're pretty sure your shoes are ruined now. And your pants. Your feet - your one foot - doesn't feel like it's actually touching the ground.
Well, screw that noise.
It's a little hard to lean for the door without falling over, but you make sure the bolt's open, and shove. The door doesn't get far, but you can see a sliver of twilight through the crack.
You look down.
Why isn't the water flowing out?
"Ah, ah, ah!"
Something slams into the door, knocks you back, nearly makes you slip off the ledge. As it is, you end up wet to the hips before you manage to stabilize yourself.
"It's rude to leave without permission, sugah! Didn't your momma teach you any manners?"
You don't answer, because you just noticed something. You just noticed how the water forms a curve up your front. You can't get your legs very high out the water, but - yep, chubby mascot legs. Great. Perfect.
You look over your shoulder, and lean forward a little.
Yep, that's a tail. Bent and crooked. Very marketable, very family-friendly. Squished against the walls.
You lean back, into the corner, and close your eyes to think. And just before you do, you notice something.
A gigantic water-dick.
Oh, she has got to be-!
A snicker from outside.
It even bounces.
Still too dark to see the exact details, but you can tell it ain't exactly human-shaped.
Why didn't she have one?
"Did you say something, sweetie? Ah didn't catch that."
You don't answer.
It's almost up to your elbows. You raise your arms, like you're wading through deep water. Or someone who got pushed into a pool. It's getting darker and darker outside.
Oh, right.
Somehow, you manage to get your phone's flashlight pointed in the right direction without dropping it. Funny how you can still touch your phone with your real hands, but not the shed. Maybe because Allie made the shed? Or...transported it from someplace else? Is there someone, somewhere, who just realized their outhouse is missing?
Hopefully they weren't using it at the time.
The flashlight shows you the water, and nothing else. You can't even tell the difference between the swamp water and your water suit, unless you lift them out of the water.
But you can see your matches floating out of your coat pocket.
Funny. You came out here for fire and air, and you're stuck in water and wood. Almost poetic. Does that count as irony?
There's enough cracks between the boards to see starlight. It can't hold any water. Not in any logical universe.
But clearly logic is out to lunch.
As the water fills your - the new chest, the weight pulls you forward. You brace your arms against the door, realize your actual hands aren't touching the door, and push yourself back up. There's a little water at the bottom of the arm-shape. It moves when you jiggle.
And more importantly, the shape has boobs. Big boobs, too. They're not all filled in yet, but you can get an idea of the shape. Especially when you reach up and caress the...nothing. With the other nothing.
It feels like you're trying to hold a water balloon through an astronaut glove. Or maybe one of those old-school dive suits with the porthole.
By the time it hits your shoulders, you've braced your back against the back wall, and kicked at the door a few times. It moves like there's something soft and springy and gator-shaped on the other side. And frankly, it's hard for you to get a good brace when your actual back can't touch the wall, just the
(croc)
water-shape, which is also soft and springy.
There's a tense point between your eyebrows, across your forehead.
You slip down the wall a little. Nearly fall off the ledge. Which would put your head under, whether you fell into the hole or not.
One last kick at the door. Mostly out of spite. The way it bounces off Allie seems almost smug, somehow.
"Enjoyin' yourself, honeh?"
This isn't even the worst time you've had in a bathroom.
"I'm waitin' if you want to come out!"
Water's almost to your neck.
You're going to die, aren't you?
Either the water kills you, or you become someone else. Some_thing_ else. Something green that lived in a swamp and acted like a joke.
Maybe it would have a catchphrase.
Something hot rises in your chest, and you grit your teeth hard enough to hurt.
You can't drown. You won't. Not that easily.
You lean closer to the door. To the crescent moon cut out of it, just like the old cartoons. Put your lips to it, and take a deep breath of pure, clean, air - relatively speaking - as the water hits your chin.
And as a shadow darkens the opening, you realize you've made a terrible mistake.
"Pucker up, sugah!"
No!
Allie's lips envelop half your face and you try to brace against the far wall and push the door open but your
(chubby croc)
feet can't find purchase on the far wall and the water hits your ears and trickles into your brain and your croc snout erupts and pushes Allie back-
-Q-
Allie smiled, stepped back from the door of the outhouse, and waited.
There was a noise that sounded a lot like someone pulling back a lock, and then the door swung open, on account of being full of water.
And one other thing.
A big, watery reptile also fell out, landed on its face, and slid comically across the dock.
The new reptile was a different shade of green from Allie, and when Allie pulled her up, the new one didn't seem to know what to do with her body. Despite the massive croc-cock and chest.
Ali dusted the new reptile off. "How y'feelin', sis?"
The new reptile adjusted her glasses. "Er, what?"
Ali straightened the croc's plaid bow tie. "You were in there forever! Ah thought you'd never come out!"
The crocodile looked over her shoulder. "I suppose. I...hope I didn't keep you waiting long?"
"Oh, honeh, that weren't nothin'." Allie gazed at her sister's chest. "Say, mind if ah borrow those?"
"What? Oh, I see. I don't have the patent on them, I suppose." And the gator laughed a dorky, snuffling laugh.
"Thank you!" Allie took a deep breath, put a thumb in her mouth, and blew so hard her feet left the ground and her tail stuck out and two breasts popped into existence on her chest.
They may, perhaps, have been slightly larger than the croc's.
She she floated down to the ground, the croc adjusted her thick, black-framed glasses and said "Er, now what?"
"Well, Slop, there's a whole hotel right there. It would only be polite to introduce ourselves. Maybe get a little room service. And--" Allie ran a tongue over her lips. "-tip the bellhop."
"Maybe it would," Slop said. "Wait, 'Slop'?"
"Slop? Slop O'Dile? Your name?"
O'Dile immediately started to drip. "I suppose"
"Maybe you were in there a little too long. Got dehydrated." Allie slapped O'Dile on the back. "Now, let's go make a few more sales."
O'Dile looked at the hotel, and started walking. She looked thoughtful.
Behind the two reptiles, the gazebo stood empty and silent.
Empty, that is, except for a pack of cigarettes, and a dropped, unlit cigarette leaning on it.
Allie followed O'Dile. "What's wrong, honeh?"
O'Dile looked around, but kept walking. "It's just...I feel like I'm forgetting something."
"Forgettin' something?"
As the gator and the croc walked away, their heavy steps made the dock shake. The forgotten pack shook, and jolted the cigarette, millimeter by millimeter, to the side.
Until the tip fell off the box, and the entire cigarette rolled toward a crack between the planks. Fell through, tumbled down into the water.
Further up the dock, Allie said "Well, if you can't remember, it must not have been important."
O'Dile nodded slowly, just as she reached the steps up to the hotel's back patio. "I suppose you're right."
And the cigarette floated away.
ENDF
"Croc Shock"
2021 Nequ
CC-By-SA 3.0
Fanart and fan stories welcome. Please contact me when you do.
Similar stories of mine :
Squishdragons (hypno goo dragon tftg)
-Ouroboros (surreal time loop tftg)
Inspiration for Allie: Blanche Devereaux (Golden Girls), Dingodile (Crash 4).
Inspiration for O'Dile: Steve Urkel (Family Matters), Bentley (Sly Cooper).
Inspiration for setting: Dingodile levels (Crash 4).
Inspiration for thumbnail: Those shadow levels in Donkey Kong Country Returns and Tropical Freeze, the old Sawgrass Mills mall logo.
Inspiration for title: Archie Comics.
You might think that using second person, present tense for most of the story was to create a feeling of disassociation and surreality and unfamiliarity, because few stories use either of those. And when it shifts back to third person past tense in the ending - which is much more conventional storytelling - that indicates a new normal, a new status quo.
But honestly? I just wanted to challenge myself, and had fun, and realized how it was coming out, and then I kinda just leaned into it. If you've read Magical Girl Noir Quest, you might recognize the style.
I also forgot to specify why the protagonist was in N'Awlins. I was thinking "business trip", but I think it works just as well if its ambiguous. Makes it easier for you to project onto them.
Also, it seems the seriousness of my commentary is inversely proportional to the seriousness of the story.