[Gensou] Life's Lessons Learned In Death
#2 of Gensou: Makai Jishou
[TW] Suicide, Mental Health, Miscarriage, Break-up, Gas-lighting
The sounds of the monitor beeping on was maddening, a steady rhythm that became after a time, like nails on a chalkboard.
How many days had it been since Itsuki found hir on the floor? Seven? Ten? Regardless of the time passed, Yuuhi sat numb and staring at hir hands, useless in her lap.
Shi had cut them deeply, splitting hir wrists nearly from tendon to elbow and getting feeling as well as motion back into them was trying, and therapy only caused hir more anguish and frustration than the problematic heartbreak had done.
He was still in hir mind, his whispers and promises laced with falsehoods had kept hir from sleeping, the more she tried to forget, the harder it became to focus until even food angered hir,
she had thrown the tray to one side because shi couldn't even hold a spoon to feed hirself, and when others attempted to help it only made hir scream in outrage.
Shi had been laid low by a two-faced mortal. His promise to provide riches of the heart shattered along with hir willingness to go on.
Earth was cruel. It's people even crueler and when shi had thought shi might have found someone to fill the void in hir heart after Cody... her memories of the human who taught hir trust... whom taught hir love, who made promises he kept until the day he passed drove hir mad with grief, and no matter how shi tried to let him live peacefully in hir memories, the longing of having that touch, that love, of being shown the world by a man whose time had been cut short by a debilitating disease had hir screaming. "It's not fair!"
Liam had made those same promises, and lead hir to believe that maybe others were just as good, but time and again he proved a disappointment, whether it was his infidelity towards them being a couple, or simply seeming to harbor more of the animalistic side of his nature than human, Yuuhi came to the realization too late that he wanted hir only because it brought him pleasure. Sex, manipulation, filling hir head with stories and thoughts of a better tomorrow, all torn down when shi confronted him, asking to understand, wanting to know why... and being told by the most recent of his fuck-buddies that shi would never get that closure...an explanation. That shi wasn't his mate, and apparently wasn't worth his time.
It had happened too often, hir attempts to be faithful and true met with constant on-again-off-again subsets that left hir distressed, anxious and sick.
How many times had shi thrown up everything? Meat, broth, even rice came up as bile in hir throat and the longer shi found shi couldn't keep food down, the more hir body demanded of hir, three times shi'd suffered the pain of a life that just started, three times did shi suffer the agony of death in hir womb, and it was only this most recent fallacy that had hir practically gift-wrapping hir life to whatever cruel Gods had put this challenge before hir and said shi had to survive.
Survival was for the fittest... that's what shi had always been taught and shi was neither fit, nor strong, not male or female, shi was an it. A thing... and Liam had reminded hir of that constantly.
Shi wasn't anything to him but somewhere he could put his dick, and leave his seed behind, and his words were always sweet, promises of it never happening again, that shi was only thinking and feeling things alone because shi was crazy, or hormonal.
Shi remembered the insults after he'd broken hir the last time, expressing that shi was filthy, psychotic, going insofar as to proclaim the human equivalent of racism towards a creature not like him... shi'd been left stunned and questioning whether or not shi had misunderstood... that shi had made up the promises of life with him, or the comfort and promise of marriage... that shi had been overly hopeful and hir disappointment had been because shi had set too many expectations and didn't see the reality of what actually would be.
But the more shi sat and listened to that annoying beeping, the further shi found hir *rage*, it was an echo growing louder and louder and had hir screaming until hir throat would bleed, hir heart felt as if it were breaking in hir chest and shi couldn't stop crying. The incessant noise of hir own sobs drove hir up the wall, some part of hir screaming shi'd done it to hirself, that shi only chose trash as hir companions, and never knew what actual love was, that Cody had been a fluke, a drop in the ocean of lives that would come and go as time passed by, and shi was immortal, long lived...while shi could die and hir shell would be emptied, hir only saving grace was hir rebirth would be an empty canvas... something to fill with experiences and make into a better painting than this life had been, but shi was denied that release and told the one whom had hurt hir and cut hir so deeply, wasn't worth hir life to bleed.
It was that empty feeling in hir stomach that made it all the worse, another miscarriage, more painful than the last two combined, as if the very weight of the world sought to tear that life from hir belly and show to hir that it was done...the cycle with Liam, hir hope and dreams for the future, all of it gone in a single swipe of an unkind hand.
Shi had experienced the inadequacies of mortal medicine, they treated hir as if shi were a fragile thing that needed to be wrapped and trapped by soft straps and coddled words, hir anger towards the world was expressed with the only things shi could do, refusing food, and snapping at the doctors and nurses that came to see hir under the threat of medications shi didn't want, it took nearly a month of evaluations before shi just...gave up and did what shi was told so they would leave hir alone.
Hir heart still hadn't recovered.
In it's depths shi still felt the wretched sickness of being touched, betrayed, lied to... and on it's surface shi bled for the want of something lasting, meaningful and real.
In the silence of that dark, and cold, unfeeling medical room, shi lay staring at the blip of light that was hir heart monitor.
Beep...Beep...Beep...
On and on it went...
Beep...Beep...Beep...
With every down-stroke of hir heart's pulse shi felt a tear fall and soak the pillow beneath hir head...
Beep...Beep...Beep...
"Why do I live...while you are dead?"
Beep...Beep...Beep...
Hir hand went to hir taught fleshed abdomen and shi uttered a stuttered breath.
Beep...Beep...Beep...
Curling in on hirself, shi sobbed with a bitter contempt into that stiff and white-crisped pillow, Beep, beep, beep... if life had left hir at least with ONE thing shi could have devoted hir heart to, maybe shi might have not felt as helpless and hopeless as shi did right then...
Beep, Beep, beep...
Everything hurt, time had stopped, shi had begged 'Please don't go!' when the pain and blood started... Beep, beep, beep...
Then the sharp stab as if someone had gutted hir clean, and took the last shred of hir sanity along with it.
Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee---
There was a crash and a clatter of something mechanical being dropped to the floor.
Wires scattered, yanked free from their places on hir body, and the soft sobbing of someone who lost everything...and was tired of trying to find it again.
"Take me with you..." shi pleaded to the darkness, to the ghostly feel of the man who had taught hir love. "...or take these feelings from me and leave me at *peace*!"
Death...or loss of emotion.
Either would be better, than the promise of a better tomorrow...
When tomorrow, was another reminder, that better...was just as cruel.