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Part 7

I tell him about what went through my head while he was using the buttplug on me. That's not exactly telling him about Bonnie, more a flavour of what she was like. The part about how she read about sex and then tried out the advice on me, that feels more like who she was. Always the mechanic. Know what you're doing before you pick up the tools. Especially if it's...

'You were her boo, huh?' Hunter says. Yep, I even told him that part.

'Yeah, I was.' I lie back, looking up at the RV's roof.

'You miss her, don't you?'

'Most people miss most exes on some level.'

'I wouldn't know, I don't have any.'

'What?'

'I don't do relationships. I do hooking up.'

'Fair enough.' I decide not to ask him if his fear of commitment to someone started before or after he got attached to comrades only to see them get killed.

'What happened?' Hunter says. 'Why's Bonnie an ex?'

'I cheated. With another friend of ours. He was a guy.'

'Ooooooooh. That'll do it. You couldn't put it right?'

'Put it right how? Make things up to her? You don't make that kind of thing up to someone. Not after the way it came out. Not after the lies you told while you tried to make it stop but it just didn't. It was a mess. My mess. When she told me she didn't want to see me again, what was I supposed to do, give her reasons why I should? I couldn't do it.'

'Was this the wolf?'

'Finn. Yeah.'

Hunter smiles. 'Wolfie's got a name now too.'

'Wolfie's a mess who's better off without me around making more mess than I already did. I didn't leave home and hide because I was running from the law. Not really. I was running from me. I wanted Alex Shaeffer as dead as everyone else.'

'Well, I've got bad news, Alex. You're very much alive and so's who you are. Because that's who I see every time you're playing Rico's guitars at the front of the band where Rico should be.'

'Oh come on.'

'I am coming on. Dylan Highwood can be a guitar tech for Rico all he wants, but only Alex can make Alex's music, no matter what name he calls himself. You weren't Dylan Highwood when you learned to play a guitar or play music. No fake ID or social security number's gonna change that. So maybe ask yourself a question: how long can you keep this going before you admit that where you really want to be is where Rico is? Wouldn't you rather do that as who you really are? Because there's not a lot of point in being able to play a mean guitar if the world never hears it.'

I know exactly how to get him off this. 'The world's already seen who Alex is. Far too many times. My mom saw to that. Grab your phone and look up The Wicked Cub on Youtube. That's me. If you haven't seen it already.'

Hunter thinks. 'Doesn't ring a bell. Okay then.' He soon finds it. I realise it's been a while since I saw the effect my YouTube debut aged eight has on someone watching it for the first time. It's always the same. Hunter's laughing his ass off.

'You were a proper little bastard, huh? That's brilliant! If I'd pranked Mei like that I'd have got my ass tanned red, only it wouldn't have been literal, she'd have done it with words like she did with Ethan and that would have been worse. But damn, did that kid become you or did you become that kid? Doesn't matter, that's totally who I always imagined you were underneath. What are you saving up for Rico?'

'Nothing,' I say. 'Would you do that to someone you actually depended on for real?'

Hunter lies down next to me and props himself up on an elbow. 'So, we've got cheating on a girl who genuinely loved you, missing an hour of comserv that you got for robbing a supermarket, and maybe slightly contributing to messing up a wolf's mental health.'

'Don't joke about that.'

'Which part? It doesn't matter though. What I'm getting at's is there anything worse? Is this all a cover for how you did something that meant you really had to go undercover?'

'I don't know.'

'Huh?'

'Take a look at my Mom's account right there. Once you're done with YouTube, go to Instagram, then go to TikTok, then do any of the others you like. Tell me what you see.'

Hunter looks for a minute or two. 'She was a social media influencer.'

'With the prerequisite of there being a vacuum where her brain should have been.'

'I don't think your Mom's stupid. Not looking at some of this.'

'That's what everyone says. That's what everyone like her does. They're always convincing, always seeming so clued up and focused and on the ball, whatever you wanna call it. Give it some time and you see the real thing. You go deep enough into that you'll still get the video of her filming them taking me out of our house barely alive during the pandemic, and all the rest. Currency's attention, and that's when she started to realise attention was in the conspiracy theories and the anti-vax shit. That's just a flavour. I wouldn't go sucking the rest of the candy bag unless you consider vomit inducing anger a flavour. She voted for Donovitch too. Which I might have forgiven, because her choice, until, y'know, his fuck up of the pandemic policies killed over a million people and one of them was nearly her own son. Get the picture?'

'That's an awful person, it's not stupid.'

'Call it whatever, weasel boy. What else do you see?'

I don't think it'll take him long to get it. His face soon changes from methodical to serious. 'She's gone dead on all channels. She's not doing this anymore. She went radio silence...around the same time you would have gone on tour with the Dragon's.'

'Yeah.'

'So...okay.'

'You gonna say it?'

'Is she still alive?'

'I don't know. She told me she never wanted to see me again about a month before I got in with the Dragons and got on the tour bus. There was long, nasty fight and that's how it ended. Even my dad couldn't keep things calm and he'd seen it all, done it all. His wife was going off the rails and son had made a fucking mess, and he didn't know what to do. I did though. I made her wish come true. I expected her to cry about it as publicly as she could. Then there was nothing. Nothing just felt worse. If she killed herself, it would have torn my dad apart. He actually loved her. No matter how dumb she really was. He was a bastard but at least he was a smart one. That's why I couldn't figure it out, why he stayed with her for so long. It's true what people say, nobody really figures out love. If I go back to Cedar Rapids, if I even surface as Alex Shaeffer somewhere else, I might get an answer to what you just asked that I really don't want. I can't help but think Dad might have been trying to find me in Des Moines so he could kill me too. The kid he saved, and then look what happened.'

Hunter puts a hand on my stomach and rubs it. 'Alex, you can't be held responsible for how your mother chose to handle what happened. It's always a choice. She made hers. If you did what she said and it cut her up, there were other choices she could have made besides ending it. If that's even what she did.'

'You've got to stop getting used to calling me Alex. I mean it. You know what might be at stake for me if the wrong person hears my real name, and that's just the start of it.'

He lies down again and puts his arm over my chest, then his head in the crook of my shoulder. 'You realise that if you want to get to know me, it has to work two ways. That means sooner or later I'm going to have to hear all of it.'

I think for a moment, and when I decide there's only one way forward, I don't sigh, I just say it. 'I know.'

'Does the worst thing you've done top what you know I've done?'

'Can we just have fun with each other for a while before we ruin it with life? Besides, what you did was duty. There were other people in it as well as you to look out for. Everything I've done's all been about me. Or at least mostly.'

'Now that I can believe,' Hunter says. 'Your species aren't exactly wired for modesty. Ego plus talent plus snep equals front man.'

He's not wrong again. 'If you're going where I think you are, don't.'

'Where am I going?'

'To where I'm not so different from Rico and that's another reason I ended up here. I'm not Rico. I spent my pre-tour life working for the kinds of bosses I never wanted to become and then found out those fuckers exist in the music world as well and Rico's top of their ranks. I'm here because I can deal with it. I'll treat my band right one day because I already knew ego and talent aren't an excuse for being a butthole.'

'Rico's learning. Me not getting fired for threatening to knock his teeth out for calling me a weasel's your proof.'

It's a curious thought, that one. I put my hands on Hunter's back and flick his tail. 'So how come I get to call you a weasel?'

'Call it a perk you don't automatically unlock just for being on a stage with me. Little gremlin Mei and Quoyle admit to being responsible for by telling me there was a difference between the American ermine and the British weasel and 'weasel' was meant to be a playground insult so I was supposed to be sensitive to it.'

'So halfway through you stuffing fire and ice into my butt, there was a little ding noise and the 'achievement unlocked' thing lit up and said 'Call Hunter a Weasel'.'

'Sure. Why not? That's why you get to call me weasel boy from now on.'

I fancy getting going with him again. I shift around so that my feet are by his head. 'If we sleep together again,' I say, as if there's any possibility we might not, 'how about us sleeping top to toe so you can use my feet as a pillow?'

'That's hot,' Hunter says, taking hold of my right one. 'But I've tried it. I've nearly had my nose broken twice before. All the other guy has to do is dream he's running or dancing and that's it, smack. That ain't fun.'

I'm curious about another angle. 'Roll over.'

Hunter gives a curious smile of his own. 'Why?

'Because I like your back. It's not like your front.' That's not a dumb comment and he knows it, because he does it, with an anticipating look over his shoulder as he props himself up on his elbows. I brush my hands up his back and give him a little claw.

'Ooooo, back ruuuuuuub uuuuurghuhuhuuuuuh yeah! You know how to to do that!'

'Good, huh? Little needle-poke to soothe the nerves.'

'Mmmmmph, yeah! I've heard cats are good at this, none of the others did it like you do. Too scared of the claws thing.'

'It's not a taboo with me. I'll claw you quite happily. But tell me something. Your back's not the same as your front because you're a mix, right? White haida ermine and...I dunno, northern brown?'

'Yeah that's about right. They reckon from my DNA that bio-mom was the white and bio-daddy was the brown only I'm too chunky for a "traditional" ermine so they tested me to see if daddy was an otter. Negative. I'm all weasel. Although they think he could have been a marten, hence the slightly more dashing, androgynous look.'

It had never hit me before, but Hunter really does look androgynous. Anyone who watched him move or heard him talk would know he's a guy, but only just. The way he sits and the way his eyes are slightly closer together and his jawline doesn't quite match the rest of his build, it's open to guessing. Nobody would be surprised to put a hand down those pants and find one thing or another.

'Roll onto your back.'

He does it.

'Here you go. Get high and get hard.' I nestle my feet on his chest and he's soon taking hold of both ankles and pulling my butt down the bed to my feet are up to his nose. After seeing what he could take down in one breath while sucking on the bong last night, I can't help but think he'd bong the scent of my feet if there was a way to light them up and draw their natural musk through water.

'What happens if I work your feet?' I say.

'It lie here hard and resist touching it and then as soon as I do I go off like my dick's got a trigger.'

I'm going to let him work me without touching him for now, like he knows I'm building up to it. 'You're lucky you're that easy to turn on. It's a gift.'

'I know.'

'I kind of like belly button play,' I say. 'Tummy rub.' I shift myself up so my knees are bent and he can still have my feet, but I can reach Hunter's stomach. I put my hands on it. 'I watched this porn once with an otter called Echo where he did teddy bear play. Otters don't do much for me that but that idea? Bonnie liked it. She did it with me. Can I poke yours?'

'Yeah, go for it.'

I put my thumbs in the centre of Hunter's stomach. He's got an innie. I like that. I push against him and he feels the squeeze. 'Eeeeep!'

'Teddy bear noise!'

'I've never tried that. I know the stuff you mean though. Everybody gay knows who Echo the Electric Otter was even if otters do nothing for them. They do do it for me but I like cats and dogs more.'

Right then, Hunter's stomach growls. He laughs in embarrassment.

'Yeah, never could hide when I was hungry.'

'I've seen the breakfast you can eat. And how you often skip lunch.' I sit up and put my hands on his stomach, feeling it ripple underneath me as his hunger really kicks in. I laugh too at how childish this seems.

'My stomach growls like a cat. That's what Mei used to say.'

'Oh yeah?' I flash my teeth and give him a deep growl that's like a prelude to a pounce.

'Holy shit!' Hunter's eyes go wide and it's like he wants to spring back as mine meet his.

'Woah!' I say, suddenly wondering if he got that I was playing. 'I scared you? Aaaahaha! I scared you! God_damn_ we've got to find a way to use that! Is that a bit of Ancestral Prey Syndrome kicking in?'

'Urrrrgh, I don't have APS!' Hunter rolls his eyes and then sighs. 'I had APS. Just a little bit. So I had counselling when I was a teenager. By the time I joined the army I could cope with just about anything. Except occasionally. And it seems except you. Because you do that whole thing too well.' He bares his own teeth. 'Do it to me again. Look me right in the eyes this time.'

I do it, this time playing it even harder. Just for good measure I hold his upper legs with a tight grip.

Hunter tries to stay neutral but fails. 'Oooooohohoho fuck, you're a really convincing predator and I could totally shit my pants if you sprung that on me! Did you know you could do that to a guy?'

'Kinda. I did it to my college room-mate in a non-kink way to try and help him get over his APS. He nearly wet his pants. He ran for the bathroom and started crying and we both agreed he wasn't ready for that stage yet. But he was trying. I think he was better by the time we moved on to second year.'

'You went to college?'

'Graduated too. Alex Schaeffer, bachelor of music and terrifier of APS-prone species. Can I? Not gonna push down or anything.' Hunter nods and lets me slide a hand over his heart to feel it thudding. I put the growl on again and the look and feel it pick up faster.

'Okay,' Hunter says, his breathing quickening. 'I was the one who dommed you last night? We've got to try it the other way around. I've tried it with a few guys and I've never found one who could make it work in a way that did it for me. You're that guy. We can totally switch like magic and the rest of this tour's going to be smoking hot.'

'I think you need breakfast before the fear makes you faint.'

'I don't faint, ounce-boy. You should see what I've not panicked at. They really don't call me Hunter for nothing. We'll go that later though. Maybe you should hunt me.'

'Primal? Holy shit, I've never tried primal. I don't think I'm one of those guys. Primal's for wolves mostly anyway. Cats have bread it out of themselves.'

'I'd kinda like to see if you're an exception.'

'I wouldn't.'

'Fair enough. But I think we're on a journey.' Hunter sits up. 'You're right. I need breakfast. You coming?'

'Why don't you bring me mine in bed? And yours too.'

Hunter sniggers. 'Okay, boo. Whatever you say.'

'Do not do that!'

'Come on, you like it. You liked it when Bonnie did it and under the guy who can scare the shit out of people is the guy who likes being someone's boo. I think you're a big kid.' Hunter climbs down out of the bunk. 'Just so you know, you really made some noise for me last night and this whole rolling camp is going to know I fucked you. So head's up, you're out now.' He pulls his clothes on.

'I was afraid of that.' Not so much as I was afraid of other things so. So I'll take it.

Then Hunter stops by the door of the RV, raises his chin a little and looks like something's confused him, but I know it's not confusion. It's a bit like deja-vu, except he hasn't been here before. Not quite. He's just got that feeling because something's sparked it. I know what it is, and so does he.

Now it's my turn to look like someone's about to come for me with meat hooks.

'Wait a minute,' Hunter says. 'What did you say your second name was?'

So much for giving it to him and then letting him make me his bitch before he could figure this out.

'Shaeffer, right?' Hunter says, slowly turning to me. 'As in the late Anthony Shaeffer? The one guitar teacher who refused to fuck off after Rico told him to? The guy who basically made Rico Garcia Azorin? You're...oh boy.'

'His nephew. Yeah.' I pull myself to the edge of the bunk. 'I don't want to talk about it, Hunter. Whatever Rico told you about Tony, we're not getting into it. You understand?'

Hunter understands. Probably all too well. That's why we're already into it.

'I didn't kill him, Hunter. Rico's one of the only people who still believes that. So he's a motherfucker. At least he's the motherfucker who knows I'm telling the truth. That's really all that mattered to me for the last three years working for him.'

Hunter's silence isn't him trying to decide whether or not he believes me, I soon realise. It's him giving me space to talk.

'I didn't kill him,' I say again, knowing that I won't do this unless I just get going. A bit like music practice when you're in anything but the mood. 'I was the one who turned up at his house and found his body. Except I couldn't look at it. I just knew what I was going to see and Finn was with me and he looked at me and he said...okay fuck it, that doesn't matter. Finn doesn't matter anymore either. Except that he...' I'm losing this. 'I called it in. When my dad got there, I was sitting on the steps not knowing if I'd ever get up off them. I tried to get justice for him for two and half fucking years. I failed. Everyone failed. Nobody ever got charged. I knew who it was. It could only have been one person. But he got away with it. Then he turned it on me. With the rest of the fucking town right at his back. Because he already hated me anyway.

'I had an alibi. My alibi fucked me. She said she couldn't actually testify under oath that I was with her that night. Tony left me everything. His house, his guitars, his life savings, the lot. That's how the guy who killed Tony got the whole of Cedar Rapids believing that I killed him. It was a vendetta. He thinks he won. He thinks I fled town because of his hate campaign. That's not it, Hunter. I had to leave before I could kill that motherfucker the way I never killed Tony. That's why I became Dylan Highwood. It's not about the worst thing I ever did. It's about the worst thing people believe I did. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't be Alex anymore. So fuck everything. That's what I did, this is who I became.'

I think I'm done. Hunter can take it all in and either "get it" like I said I got him or keep a distance and never come near me again like he did last night.

'I believe you,' he says.

'Why?'

'Your uncle Tony was a guitar teacher, right?'

'He was a music teacher. He made me several times harder than he ever made Rico. I took a guitar down one day and asked him to teach me, and I became what you've seen. I loved him. Like I could never have loved his bastard brother or the cunt he married who gave birth to me. After Tony died I wished she hadn't. Right up until I got on this tour and met you.'

'I thought so,' Hunter said. 'Apart from how you don't have it in you to murder someone unless you're both fired up and shit-ass drink, and probably couldn't even do it then, you don't murder the guy who gave you the only thing that makes you feel like you're worth something just for a house.'

'The only thing that...' I'm not going to argue with him. He's a straight shooter, and he's hit his target good. 'Fuck you, Hunter Kershaw. You wanna be scared of me in bed? You just persuaded me to make it happen.'

'Yeah,' Hunter says, leaning against the door. 'Your alibi was Bonnie, wasn't it? Then she found out you were cheating with your male friend and she never knew you liked it both ways or had the nerve. So she wouldn't save you from going down for murder as revenge.'

'I don't want to talk about it, Hunter. I mean it. You don't want to talk about the thirteen people you can account for who went home in bags instead of you, I don't want to talk about how a whole town believed I murdered my uncle.'

'So how come they never charged you? Because you ran away before it could happen?'

I shake my head. 'They could never have proved it. There was no proof. Not being able to account for where I was proves nothing. My finger prints all over the house were because I was living there at the time it happened. In the college holidays. They never found the weapon. It's how Max Landry got away with it. No smoking gun. I couldn't get the proof just like the cops couldn't. I failed him. I couldn't stay in that house after that. I couldn't do anything in that fucking town. Nobody wanted to know me. Not my ex girlfriend, not Finn, not my own parents, not anyone. You wanna know how long I can be Dylan Highwood? Forever. I can't go back.'

I know what he's thinking. My plan for fronting a band will never happen unless I can lift the lid on who I really am. The spotlight won't be for me unless I go back to Cedar Rapids and somehow end all this.

He comes and sits on the bed by me and puts a hand on my back. 'Yeah. You got me. That pretty well beats me. That's the rest of it. That's why Rico was prepared to ask for what he asked for.'

'Yeah.'

'He was right.'

'Was he?'

'Yeah. A helping hand. So he probably did it to feel like he still had a soul left. But he did it.'

'Go get your breakfast. I need my headspace back. Give me at least an hour.'

'You got it,' Hunter says. He gets down and then stops at the door again. 'Alex.'

'Yeah, what?'

'I can keep your cover. It's not about being ex army and knowing how to keep a secret or two. You know what it really is? When have I ever called you Dylan? When did I ever call you any name? Around the others, I call you snep. There isn't going to be a slip of the tongue.' He puts his hand on the handle. 'I've seen videos of your uncle in action on stage. He was awesome. I'm sorry that happened to him, and you. But we won't talk about. Not unless you say you're ready. You still want to get those sneakers with me and take up running.'

'Yeah. I do.'

'Good. Meet me outside the band trailer in an hour. We're going on our first date.'