Detective Anon
Story by HomeTome on SoFurry
Detective Anon is trying to stop the ook poster who's been plaguing HMOFA
"What's this nonsense about me being assigned a new partner?" Anon erupted, his voice booming against the walls of the sergeant's office.
"That's right, Anon. This isn't some dainty, picket-fence burglary case we're dealing with here. We need double the manpower," the sergeant responded with a glint of stubbornness in his eyes.
Anon groans aloud, rubbing his temples in frustration. “I don't need a greenhorn to babysit. If we don't nab the perpetrator behind the ook posts soon, all of hmofa will be overrun by apes and not the HM kind!"
The sergeant slams his fist down onto his desk, creating a resonating echo. “That's precisely why you need a partner - someone who has a knack for sniffing out these punks and giving them the ol' v& treatment pronto!"
Anon slumped into his seat, his arms folding in protest. "Alright, fine. So, who's the lucky guy?"
The sergeant, wearing a particularly malicious grin, looks past Anon's shoulder. “Officer! Come introduce yourself to your new partner!"
Turning around in surprise, Anon's eyes popped at the sight of a German Shepherd, standing tall and proud, saluting the sergeant.
"Officer Lady, reporting for duty!" The dog speaks with unmistakable determination.
Anon spins back around to face the sergeant, his face a picture of disbelief. “You have got to be kidding me. You want me to team up with a dog?!"
“I didn't ask for your opinion!" The sergeant retorts, his voice thunderous. “Now both of you, go bring that blasted ook poster to justice!"
The door slams behind Anon and Lady as they're practically thrown out of the building, left standing awkwardly on the sidewalk. Anon reaches into his pocket, pulling out a cigarette. Lighting it up, he takes a long, thoughtful drag.
“First time on a case like this?" He asks Lady, exhaling a smoke-filled sigh.
“Yes, Sir."
Anon scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Just as I suspected, you're way too by-the-book for this line of work. How about you do me a favor and go help some newfags cross the road."
Discarding his cigarette and crushing it underfoot, Anon turns on his heel and begins walking, certain that the overly earnest dog will eventually get the hint. But much to his chagrin, he hears Lady's steps right beside him moments later.
“I was assigned this duty and I intend to fulfill it. With or without you."
Anon halts abruptly, spinning around to confront Lady. “And what exactly are you planning to do? Wag your tail and flash those puppy dog eyes? I need real cops on my team, not a well-trained pet."
Just as Anon starts to stride away once more, he feels a sudden, sharp pain in one of his knees, causing it to buckle. Simultaneously, his left arm is pulled back in a firm grip. Looking up, he finds Lady glaring down at him, her eyes reflecting a fierce, icy determination. She had swiftly kicked his back knee and immobilized him in a masterful display of restraint.
"I may be well-trained, but don't mistake me for a pet. I'm an officer first and foremost." She releases Anon with a push before straightening to her full, impressive stature. “So, detective, where to next?"
“Tch." Anon grunts as he scrambles back to his feet, brushing off the dirt from his well-tailored suit with a flick of his hands. “The answer's as plain as day, isn't it? We're heading to r/ape."
Anon had made a silent vow never to venture into this cesspool again, yet here he was. Perhaps this distasteful tour could serve as a harsh but necessary induction for his canine partner. Some naively proclaim 4chan as the vilest corner of the internet, yet they clearly haven't encountered the lurid underbelly of reddit. The concentrated cringe within could bring a man to his knees if he wasn't steeled for it.
Approaching the grimy doorway marked r/ape, Anon draws his pistol. In an instant, Lady is at his side, standing alert.
"Detective, what are you doing?" Lady questions, her brow furrowed in confusion. "Isn't drawing a gun a bit excessive?"
"Not when it comes to reddit," Anon replies tersely, his focus unwavering. With a powerful kick, he sends the door flying open. "Detective Anon here! I've got a few questions for you armchair psychologist!" Inside, a gaggle of pasty neckbeards are engrossed in their sad routine of sharing pitiful monke memes. Their surprise at the sudden intrusion is palpable, yet none make a sound. "Anyone here familiar with an ook poster frequenting hmofa?!" Anon bellows into the eerie silence.
As his sharp gaze scans the room, nothing particularly unusual catches his attention. That is, until a blur of fur whips past him.
"We've got a runner!" Lady's voice echoes in the dimly lit space.
“Lady, don't run off on your own!" But Lady doesn't heed his call. Anon's jaw tightens in frustration. “Shit!"
Bursting out the front door, he quickly rounds the corner, aiming to trap the suspect at the back exit. As he does, a sight both absurd and expected greets him: an overweight man clad in a MLP t-shirt sprawled across the pavement, gasping for breath. That, in Anon's experience, was further than any inhabitant of reddit had managed to run before capture. Lady is already fastening cuffs around the guy's wrists as Anon ambles over.
“I'm a sovereign citizen!" The out-of-breath offender hollers, “I know my rights! I can't breathe!"
Without a second thought, Anon draws back his boot and lands a swift kick to the side of the man's head, silencing him.
“Get him to the car. He's due for an interrogation," Anon commands, his voice tired.
“That was excessive force, Detective," Lady remarks, her brow furrowed in disapproval.
“Did I ask?"
She doesn't answer, just gives a slight shake of her head and dutifully drags the unconscious man towards their vehicle. Meanwhile, Anon fishes another cigarette from his pocket, lighting it and taking a long drag. Something about this case felt a little too straightforward. Had they truly nabbed the elusive ook poster so easily? Only time - and a thorough interrogation back at the department - would tell.
“So, where do we start with this?" Lady questions, breaking the tense silence of the room.
"You're fond of playing by the book, aren't you?" Anon counters, a hint of mockery in his voice. But Lady only shoots him a steely glare. “Good. You're the good cop. Let's get this show on the road."
Without further ado, Anon strides into the interrogation room, with the handcuffed neckbeard sitting in the cold metal chair. Just as he's preparing to launch into his routine, he's taken aback as Lady breezes past him, pulling up a chair directly across from their suspect. Her expression is set in a grim mask.
“You're facing a lengthy stint behind bars, you do realize that, don't you?" Lady begins, her voice eerily calm.
“W-what?!" The neckbeard splutters, taken aback. “You two attacked me! I know my rights!"
Lady flashes a chilling smile, baring her teeth with an intimidating growl. “Keep your voice down, or I'll rip your throat out right here and simply claim you were resisting. How does that sound to you?"
Anon watches, both shocked and slightly impressed. Lady has taken to the bad cop role like a duck to water. The man glances towards Anon for solace, only to be met with an equally threatening glare. Cornered and terrified, he collapses into a weeping mess.
“I...I only posted a few monke memes in hmofa and tried to farm some (you)s, but they kept accusing me of samefagging! How could they tell?!"
Anon steps forward, slamming a folder filled with screenshots of numerous ook posts onto the table. “Twenty-eight ook posts! You're telling me that's just a few?!"
Stunned, the neckbeard scans the posts strewn in front of him. “B-But I swear I didn't make these posts!"
“Then who did?" Anon interjects, before shooting Lady a pointed glance. “You should know, my partner here is getting hungry, and she has a taste for human flesh - and I don't mean in the fun hmofa way."
“V-Vore?" The man stammers, his face showing some hopeful lust.
“Gore-vore."
The man shudders at the threat, his eyes wide with terror. “I...I don't know who did it, but I swear, no one in r/ape goes to 4chan except me."
Anon locks eyes with Lady, and they share a wordless exchange before nodding in agreement.
“We'll give you some time to consider the gravity of your situation. If your information checks out, we may consider dropping the resisting arrest charge. Got it?"
With a terrified nod, the man accepts, and with that, Lady and Anon exit the room. Once outside, Anon regards Lady with an uncharacteristically sincere grin.
“Well, perhaps you aren't as by-the-book as I initially thought."
“I'm just doing my job," she replies, a matching smirk gracing her features. “So, if he's not the ook poster, who is?"
“That, my friend, is the million-dollar question." Anon shrugs, leaning back against the wall. “Let's sift through the evidence again, maybe we missed something."
“Perhaps I could pick up a scent."
“That could work too."
With their next course of action decided, Anon and Lady make their way to the evidence room. How much longer until they snag the elusive ook poster? No one could say for certain. However, they held onto the hope that, someday, hmofa would be free of apes.