Digimon House
It's a typical morning at the digimon house. No one is awake yet, even though it's close to 1pm, mostly because Beelzemon got rid of the only means of a wake-up call, Kockitorimon. Now everything is quiet and peaceful. But as you know at the digimon house, it never lasts... A fearful Mummymon approaches the house on his daily route, but this time he comes a bit more prepared.
Mummymon: Neither wind nor rain nor snow will stop this postman! Because now I have a permit to use THIS! -pulls out a bottle of mace- Yup! Today nothing can possible go wrong.
The over-confident Mummymon opens the mailbox, but naively forgets to check if it's booby-trapped. A mistake he will regret...
Mummymon: Huh? What's that ticking noise? And what's this string doing attached to the mailbox, which is also attached to a live grenade with it's clip missing, and ... oh god ...
Mummymon doesn't even have a chance to scream before he is blown to bits.
Mummymon: -in multiple pieces- Curse ... you ... Beelzemon! -dies-
Meanwhile, inside the house everyone is just starting to wake up in their rooms.
Angewomon: -cheerfully- Morning! LadyDevimon: Stupid morning people... Angewomon: Oh, and what's wrong with being a morning person? LadyDevimon: Nothing... if you're a normal person who wakes up, drinks coffee quietly and doesn't burden everyone with her very presence! Angewomon: You're just jealous because I don't wake up an ugly old hag like you! - walks out of the room- MetalEtemon: -underneath LadyDevimon's bed sheets- Is she gone? LadyDevimon: Yes. MetalEtemon: Aw man, I thought she'd never leave! -gets up to leave but is pulled roughly back onto the bed- LadyDevimon: And where do you think you're going, my silver stud? I'm not finished with you yet. MetalEtemon: But sugar, we've been going at it for hours! Can't we just snuggle? LadyDevimon: No. MetalEtemon: -whiny- But I have a cramp! LadyDevimon: -annoyed- Fine! We'll take a break and have breakfast. But after that you're my personal sex slave, got it? MetalEtemon: Yes ma'am!
Meanwhile, down in the kitchen, Leomon is cooking breakfast. While BlackWargreymon sits down in a corner of the dining area, leisurely drinking a cup of coffee.
Leomon: I hope the others like my cooking. BlackWargreymon, are you sure you don't want any? BlackWargreymon: No thanks. -takes another sip of coffee- Leomon: That's too bad... Well, I guess I'll make extra just in case. Just then, Angewomon, LadyDevimon, MetalEtemon, Beelzemon, Lopmon, Guilmon and Calumon all come down the stairs. Angewomon: Morning everyone! Mmmm, what smells so good? Leomon: -proudly- I made breakfast for everyone! Angewomon: Thank you Leomon, but you didn't have to go through all the trouble. Leomon: It was no trouble at all, and besides, cooking is one of my favorite hobbies. -everyone sits down and begins to eat- Lopmon: Are these waffles non-dairy? Leomon: Don't worry Lopmon, I knew that since you're a vegetarian... Lopmon: Actually, I'm a vegan. Calumon: What's a vegan? Lopmon: It means that I'm vegetarian to the next level! Calumon: ... What's a vegetarian then? Leomon: Well since you're vegan I mean, I made your food without any milk or meat products. Lopmon: Thank you so much Leomon! MetalEtemon: Hey, got any fried peanut-butter and banana sandwiches? Leomon: Sorry MetalEtemon, I didn't make any. MetalEtemon: -disappointed- Oh... Leomon: But I could always make some! MetalEtemon: Awesome man! You are officially my new favorite person! Leomon: -blushing- Well, you don't have to go that far, it's nothing really. Lopmon: Don't be modest Leomon, I think your cooking's great! And I'm sure everyone here would agree with me, right?
Everyone is too busy eating, talking and arguing to catch what Lopmon just said.
Lopmon: Ahem! Guilmon: Gesundheit! Leomon: Nevermind Lopmon, I'm sure they're enjoying it.
After breakfast, the kitchen looks like a disaster area because more than half of the food ended up on the floor ... and the walls ... and the ceiling ... you pretty much get the pi- Oh god! I'm not going to even ask what that is!
Calumon: Like it? I made a statue out of my chewed and spat out food! I call it Spew Art!
Well if that's what it's called ... I think I just made some Spew Art all over my shoes ... ugh ... does anyone have any paper towels? And possibly some tweezers? ... ewwww ...
Okay while I'm busy cleaning the vomit off my sneakers, let's get back to the others.
Leomon has gathered everyone in the living room for the reading of today's letter. Unfortunately, Leomon's having a hard time getting the letter open.
LadyDevimon: We would like the letter to be read TODAY, if that's not too much to ask... Leomon: -straining to open the letter- I'm trying! But it's hard to open I when it's all covered in ... Mummymon ... Beelzemon: -snorts into his morning beer- Heh heh heh... Leomon: -annoyed- Well if you find this so funny Beelzemon, why don't you open and read the letter to everyone? Since it's your fault that the letter's been glued shut with Mummymon's excrements! Beelzemon: Gladly! Beelzemon stands up and takes the letter from Leomon, who sits down on the couch and waits to see how Beelzemon gets the letter open. Beelzemon obliges Leomon's challenge by pulling a switch blade from his back pocket and begins to happily cut the letter out of the envelope. Leomon: -mirthfully- Smartass... Beelzemon: -begins to read the letter- Dear Digimon Surreal Lifers, yadda yadda ... -skips halfway through the letter- Your mission today will to be to get to know each other on a more personal level, so... -continues to read silently- LadyDevimon: "So" then what? We can't read minds you know! Beelzemon: -hands the letter to LadyDevimon- Here, you read the rest of it! It's too good to be put into words! LadyDevimon: -begins to read the rest of the letter- So we're making you each go on a blind date with one another! MetalEtemon: Whoa! Didn't see that comin'! Beelzemon: Wait! That's not even the best part! Read here! -points to a paragraph- LadyDevimon: -reads- The dates will be selected at random, but since there are only 9 of you, we're bringing in a special guest date, Pamela Anderson. Beelzemon: Didja hear that? Pamela freakin' Anderson! She's so hot! And she's got great tits! An- LadyDevimon: Okay Beelzemon! Settle down, we get the picture! Beelzemon: I'm gonna go upstairs and get ready for my date with Pamela! -dashes upstairs- BlackWargreymon: He does realize that the chance at him getting who he wants is highly unlikely... MetalEtemon: -elbowing BlackWargreymon- You're just saying that cause you're hoping to get a date with her too! BlackWargreymon: -glares at MetalEtemon- MetalEtemon: -backs off- Sorry! BlackWargreymon: I would prefer Kelly Clarkson... MetalEtemon: ...... -awkward silence-
Later that night, everyone has finished getting ready for their dates.
Angewomon: I wonder what kind of amazing piece of technology they're going to use to pair us off?
Suddenly a midget comes wheeling in two hats on a table. One hat is labeled 'boys' the other 'girls'.
Angewomon: Oh ... we're drawing names from a hat ... nice ... Beelzemon: No one touch the hats! I'm drawin' first! -draws a piece of paper- Hey, what the crap! This paper's got no name on it! Just a number 4! -begins freaking out- Leomon: Oh I get it now! Who's ever number matches yours, that's you you'll be going on a date with. Beelzemon: ... I knew that ...
Just then, Pamela Anderson walks through the door.
Pamela: Sorry I'm late everyone. Traffic was terrible. Beelzemon: -glomps Pamela Anderson- Pamela: Well aren't you cute? What's your name? Beelzemon: You can call me anythin' you want! Pamela: -giggles- Okay sweetie! BlackWargreymon: Can we hurry up and pick the rest of the numbers? Beelzemon: -whispers to Pamela- Psst! Pick number 4!
After everyone is done picking a number, they are asked to put their names on the cards and drop them into the sorting machine ... which in this case is the midget.
Midget: Pairing #1: Leomon and LadyDevimon. LadyDevimon: Oh, I'm going to have fun with you! Leomon: Why do I have a bad feeling about this? ._.;; Midget: Pairing #2: Lopmon and MetalEtemon. MetalEtemon: I know I said I wanted a girl that was shorter than me, but this is putting it way to literal! She doesn't even come up to my frigging knee! Midget: Pairing #3: BlackWargreymon and Calumon. BlackWargreymon: Calumon isn't even a girl! ... at least, I'm pretty sure he isn't... Midget: Pairing #4: Beelzemon and Angewomon. Beelzemon: YESSSAWHAAAT? I DIDN'T GET PAMELA? THEN WHO DID? Guilmon: Guilmon is number 5! Pamela: Wow me too! I guess you're my date cutie pie! Guilmon: Yay! Guilmon has date with Pamela Anderson! ... What's a date by the way? Can you eat it? Beelzemon: -on the ground sobbing into the floor- WAHHHH -sniff- LIFE'S NOT FAIR! -sobs-
Sara: Now that everyone's paired up, let's get on to the special blind date addition of Digimon Surreal Life! -background applause- Katelyn: Sara! How come you get to host the show? Sara: Well... you're hosting to too. The only difference is that I have a shiny microphone! -shine! sparkle sparkle!- Katelyn: I changed my mind. I don't care about hosting, I just want TEH SHINY! Sara: No! I'm using it! Katelyn: Gimme! Now! Sara: No! I shall not relinquish TEH SHINY! Katelyn: Yoink! -steals microphone- Bwhahahaha! -runs away- Sara: -chases Katelyn- NOOO! TIS MY SHINY!
Let's ignore our two obviously insane hosts/writers, and get on to our first date. First is Beelzemon and Angewomon, who are at a fancy 5 star restaurant. Angewomon is being a regular chatterbox, her friends say she can talk about absolutely nothing for a whole entire date.
Angewomon: So do you like reality TV shows? Cause I love 'em! Don't you find it funny that we're on one right now? Know what else I find funny? I think those little bubble gum wrapper comics are hilarious! My friend says she doesn't get them, neither do I. Do you get them Beelzemon? Helloooo? Are you listening to me?
-Beelzemon loses it in 3...2...1...-
Beelzemon: You know what I don't get! How you can talk for FOUR FUCKING STRAIGHT HOURS! God! Do you even LISTEN to the crap that comes outta your mouth? I've had a more intelligent conversation with a wood chipper! Angewomon: You're a jerk!- takes her drink and pours it on the crotch of Beelzemon's pants- Beelzemon: Hey that's cold! Angewomon: You'd better believe it! Beelzemon: Not you, I meant the drink. It must've had 12 freakin' ice cubes in it! Angewomon: I'm calling a taxi! This date's officially over! Beelzemon: Fine by me! At first I was just doin' this to get in your pants, but I now that I've found out what a bitch you are, I wouldn't even cum on my hand and throw it at you! Angewomon: -shocked- Asshole! -storms out the door- Beelzemon: Well that's my que to go home and read porn! -leaves-
Lopmon and MetalEtemon are out at a freaky hippy restaurant ... or at least that's how MetalEtemon describes it. After a few minutes of listening to the hippy band playing, MetalEtemon had an Elvis withdrawal and escaped through the men's bathroom window.
Lopmon: He'll be back. He's just going to the washroom! Katelyn: Wow... that was short. Sara: Indeef!
BlackWargreymon and Calumon are at a local McDonalds, this is Calumon's favorite place to eat.
Calumon: Look date! I got a toy in my happy meal! BlackWargreymon: Please don't call me that. Calumon: I didn't call you 'that', I called you date, date! BlackWargreymon: -bangs head against the table- Calumon: Can I go play on the fun fort? BlackWargreymon: For 5 minutes, then we're leaving. Calumon: Yay! -jumps in ball pit-
-5 minutes later-
BlackWargreymon: Calumon, time's up, we're leaving now. Calumon: No! I wanna play some more! BlackWargreymon: I said now!
BlackWargreymon goes to grab Calumon, but Calumon escapes and hides inside the fun fort's slide. BlackWargreymon climbs to the top of the slide, and reaches in to grab Calumon, but he accidentally slips and falls face first into the slide.
Calumon: -goes down the slide- Na na! Can't catch me! BlackWargreymon: You little bastard... BlackWargreymon goes to lift himself out of the slide, but soon realizes that his entire upper half, including his arms, are stuck inside it. BlackWargreymon: How can this night get any more degrading? Calumon: -behind BlackWargreymon- Hey look! I used ketchup to draw a smiley face on your butt! BlackWargreymon: ... I just had to ask ... Sara: Awwww! BlackWargreymon and Calumon make such a cute couple! Katelyn: You do realize this isn't a yaoi fic? Sara: We can make it one! Katelyn: Oh god ... I just got a really bad image of BlackWargreymon and Calumon ... Sara: I guess we should move on before I cause any permanent scarring to Katelyn... Katelyn: IT BURNS! MAKE IT STOP!
Leomon: Why is it so dark in here? LadyDevimon: You'll see... -turns on light switch- So, what do you think? Leomon: Of what? I still don't see anything... LadyDevimon: That's because you're facing the wrong way! Leomon: Oh. -turns around- OMG! WHY ARE YOU NAKED! LadyDevimon: You don't like it? Leomon: No! Uh! Yes! Uh, what I mean to say is, isn't it ... kind of ... too soon? LadyDevimon: But didn't you say you wanted to sleep with me? Leomon: WHEN THE HELL DID I SAY THAT! LadyDevimon: -annoyed- Look! I've tried to be nice, but when it gets down to it ... -grabs Leomon by his pants- you're going to have sex with me! Whether you like it or not! Leomon: Eeeep! Sara: Well you all pretty much know what they're doing right now, so I don't have to explain it in detail... Katelyn: PENIS! Penis penis penis penis! P3NU5! PEE-NUS! P- Sara: Uh, thanks, Katelyn ... we all really needed that ... Well this is it for the dating part of our show... Katelyn: Wait! What about Guilmon and Pamela Anderson? Sara: Oh yeahhhh
-Somewhere in Las Vegas-
Pamela and Guilmon are driving down a stretch of highway, the car stereo is blaring and three of Pamela's hot girlfriends are jamming along in the backseat.
Guilmon: Guilmon gonna drop it like it's hot! Sara: I would show you more, but it wouldn't be fair to the other digimon. Especially Beelzemon, who had a crappy date. Stupid Angewomon! Katelyn: Hey! We should totally kill her for thinking she even had a CHANCE with our Beelzemon! Sara: Indeef! Both: DEATH TO ANGEWOMON!
Later that night Leomon walks in his room to find Beelzemon laying on one of the beds reading a Sports Illustrated magazine.
Leomon: Oh ... hi, Beelzemon. Beelzemon: Sorry Leomon, I would have asked if I could go in your room but you weren't here. Leomon: No, it's quite alright... but why do you want to read in here? -sits down on bed beside Beelzemon- Beelzemon: 'Cause MetalEtemon is an idiot and won't turn down his damn Elvis records ... and it's kinda hard to have a sexual fantasy to the sound of jail house rock, if ya know what I mean -laughs- Leomon: ...
Beelzemon knows something's wrong with Leomon by the somber expression on his face, but pretends not to notice.
Beelzemon: Well, I guess I'll go back to my room. -stands up from bed and begins to walk away but Leomon holds out his arm to stop him- -thinks "Damn! ... I was almost free!"- Leomon: Can I talk to you about something? Beelzemon: -looks down at Leomon- About what? Leomon: ... Well ... you don't have to listen if you don't want to, now that I think about it, it's probably not that important anyways... -looks down at floor as if he were about to cry- Beelzemon: -thinks: "Stupid conscience!"-
In the end, Beelzemon is won over by guilt, and sits down on the bed beside Leomon.
Beelzemon: -sighs- What's wrong? Leomon: I don't think I can tell you... Beelzemon: Why? Is it a secret? Leomon: No it's just that ... I've never told anyone and ... -trembles slightly- You'll probably hate me for it ...
At this point Leomon can barely stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks, so instead he turns his face away from Beelzemon.
Beelzemon: Is that all that's stoppin' you from telling me? Please! Do you remember who you're talkin' to? I'm Beelzemon! I hate pretty much everyone for no reason! So if you told me your big secret, I couldn't hate you any more than I already do now. And I'm sayin' that as a friend. Leomon: -looks at Beelzemon and smiles through his tears- Really? Beelzemon: -smiles back- Really.
It's all quiet for a few seconds that for some reason seemed like an eternity. Finally Leomon says what he wanted to say in the beginning.
Leomon: - begins to sob uncontrollably- I'm gay!
Beelzemon was taken aback for a bit. He didn't know what to do either. Beelzemon was new to this whole comforting a friend who just came out of the closet. Then Beelzemon did something you would never expect from someone like him. He put his arm around Leomon and let him cry into him. About 15 minutes or so later, Leomon stopped crying.
Leomon: Thanks Beelzemon ... I'm okay now. -wipes the few clinging tears out of his eyes after Beelzemon lets go- How can I ever repay you? Beelzemon: You can repay me by not mentionin' what I did for you to anyone else, got it? 'Cause I don't care how gay you are, I WILL beat the living crap out of you if you tell anyone. Leomon: Of course! Thank you.
Beelzemon leaves Leomon's room and begins to walk towards his own room. This is until he sees BlackWargreymon coming down the stairs with half the McDonalds slide still attached to him, and covered in ketchup.
Beelzemon: Rough night? BlackWargreymon: Don't ask!