Changing Spots
Circles and its characters are © to Andrew French, Steve Domanski, and Scott Fabianek. All rights reserved. The following story contains mature material involving two male characters, and is intended for those of age. If you don't like it or are too young, what the hell are you doing here? FEEDBACK is always welcome to [email protected] I thrive on my stories, and accept praise and criticism alike. Whether or not I'll pay attention to the latter is up to me. Enjoy...
- * * "Changing Spots" ©MMIII Whyte Yoté The cheetah panted heavily into the darkness, faintly aware of the thick aura of musk around him. He couldn't see a thing, yet his climax grew nearer with each thrust into his partner. He kneeled on the sheets, pumping upward hard and making the form beneath him squirm in mixed pain and pleasure. Sweat matted his fur and dripped freely onto the bed. Have to go to the drycleaners tomorrow, he noted mentally. Ken was more than a little frustrated, and wanted to get off more than anything. His latest take-home was one of those sensitive fags who didn't do anything without twenty questions, ever. "I just want to get to know you," the wolf had said. Well, fine, just don't expect a nice afterglow cuddle, 'cuz Ken don't do that. When it came to a good fuck, he couldn't help but think how much better a good bareback would be. An easy requisite for others, it was always a conscious but necessary decision to use protection. He might sleep around, but he wasn't stupid. Oh well; coming was coming, as long as Ken got his rocks off. After all this time, though, he couldn't get Paulie's voice of reason out of his head. It bothered him to no end. One of these days, Ken. Don't do something you'll regret. Be careful, sweetheart. He pumped harder, powering his orgasm through into the wolf below him. It ripped through his spine, out his cock, and into the latex barrier. His claws dug into unseen buttocks and he heard a satisfying growl and gasps from Arin, his lupine lover for the evening. Two more shots and it was over, and Ken came down hard, like every time when he just needed to get off. Sometimes, when the situation was right, he could ride the waves out and settle down slowly, but the context of tonight almost totally canceled out any residual pleasure. It wasn't for him, anyway. "Wait! Wait, *pant* don't take it out yet. I gotta come too," said Arin. "Kid, you should have done that when I was fuckin' your brains out. Now it won't be half as powerful, but go ahead." Ken leaned forward and farther into Arin and struggled to turn on the bedside lamp. The lupine spread his legs as wide as they could go and resumed flogging his member, almost bent double. Ken managed to find the pull for the lamp and tugged, bathing his bedroom in amber light. He looked down at Arin and smiled a little. He remembered how his first time felt, although he was a lot younger than the wolf when it happened. How that first climax with another person felt so much stronger, with so much more meaning, than simply pawing off to a fantasy. He took over for Arin, masterfully stroking the shaft with his right hand while the left gently applied pressure on his balls, as if to coax them to release their precious fluid. At last Arin arched his back, and Ken felt him clench hard on his softening cathood, while multiple shots of wolfseed coated the grey chest in front of him. Arin licked his lips and yawned wide, showing some impressive dental work. He relaxed onto the bed and closed his eyes. "That was so much more than I expected. Thank you, Ken. It was wonderful." "Hey, no problem. Glad to help." The cheetah pulled out and promptly grabbed a towel, peeled off the condom and wiped his groin clean. He tossed it to Arin. "But you already used-" "The other side's clean," he muttered, knowing Arin would say something like that. Some furs were careful, but man, this one took it to a new level. Definitely not a keeper. Ken turned around and saw the wolf already had his pants on and was throwing a shirt over his head. He grinned at the cheetah. Ah, the smile of the hopeful, he thought. "So, it's getting late. Hell, it's gotten late enough to qualify as early. Call me tomorrow, cutie?" Ken turned to the side and looked away. "Sure, yeah, no problem." Again, the tiny sting of regret every time he said that. He looked back up into Arin's face. So new, so innocent. The wolf put an arm around Ken's waist and pulled him into a tango-like embrace. They stood muzzle-to-muzzle, less than six inches separating their lips. Arin moved forward to kiss, but Ken turned his head and tried to pull back. "What's wrong?" Arin asked, puzzled. "Sorry, it's just...a little pet peeve of mine. I don't do lips. Just on the cheek, if you want to, but I can't do lips. Personal." Arin paused, trying to read the expression on the cheetah's face, studying his eyes. He shrugged, apparently having given up. "Okay then. End of discussion. Still, thank you for a great night." The wolf planted a long kiss on the side of his head, at the end of one of the black "racing stripes" that ran from his eyes down the sides of his muzzle. Letting go, Arin turned towards the door and opened it. Before he left the room, he stuck his head back around the edge and put his thumb and pinky to his ear, like a telephone. He mouthed call me, exaggerating the words in his silent speech. The cheetah only smiled and waved weakly. As soon as the door had closed, he waited for a few seconds before locking it. He sauntered into his bathroom and turned on the shower. He needed to wash the lupine out of his fur, fast. As steam filled the room, he looked at himself in the mirror. Same Ken as always: toned, lithe body, shiny yellow fur intermingled with black spots, pert pink nose, dark eyes, and the same underlying expression of emptiness he always saw under the skin. All of a sudden, he felt himself beginning to cry, for no reason. He didn't want to look at himself anymore, couldn't bring himself to. The tears flowed uncontrollably now, his body silent as he tried to keep the sobs inside. Not even his bodybuilding could produce muscles to keep that from happening. Losing his composure, he shut the shower off and ran back to the bed. The smell of Arin was everywhere, on him, on the bed, and he hated it. Hated his whole life. He curled up in a ball, sobbing loudly and freely and not quite knowing why. This had never happened before, and how could it? To Ken Brassai, respected member and lover of the Boston community. Even that was a farce. The cheetah finally gave up trying to figure himself out and cleared his head of all thought. Once that happened he felt sleep creep into his mind, taking over and blocking everything else in the world out. His breathing regulated and he lay, naked and tear-stained until one thought was left, nagging and almost nonexistent before he passed out. This time, it wasn't Paulie's voice, but his own. Ken, you're lonely. * * * *click* "You have two new messages." *beep* "Yeah, Ken, hi. It's Arin. Sorry to call you so early in the morning, but after I went home last night I was too excited to sleep. I really would like to get together sometime, dinner and a movie-or something. God, this is so embarrassing! Well...uh, I'll talk to you later, okay? Bye." "Saturday, nine thirty-two A.M." *beep* "I'm so stupid! How can you call me if I don't leave my number? I would've left it last night, but you didn't ask and it didn't cross my mind to tell you. Anyway, it's 33..." *click* "H-hello?" "Wrong number, kid." *click* *beep* "Messages deleted. End of messages." The machine went silent as its cord was pulled from the wall. * * * Marty looked up from reading the box of Cheerios and peered over at Taye, who was scanning the Boston Globe and munching some strawberries. "Why do you have to work weekends? We don't get to spend enough time together as it is, let alone have a Saturday to do stuff." "My dear roommate," chided the roo, "You know the weekends are the big money-makers. My days off are Monday and Wednesday, the two slowest days. Now how am I supposed to pay the rent, and buy you nice things, if I don't work my sweet, sexy little tail off to do it? Or do you want me to start modeling the latest in Wal-Mart fashion?" He raised an eyebrow. "Okay, okay, Mr. Slippery Slope. Today you take a Saturday off, tomorrow our whole world collapses around us. You don't have to bite my head off. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were hung over. But, since neither of us drank last night, that's impossible. But you make it very convincing." Taye quickly rolled up the Globe and swatted the skunk over the head before he could defend himself. "You know I'm not a morning person. I need my fruit and my coffee before I can do anything else. At least, if I ever run out of strawberries I can have some of you. You're a whole lot more fruit than them anyway." This time it was Marty's turn to swat back. He raised the box of Cheerios into the air and brought it down, quite clumsily, on Taye's neck, eliciting a groan from the roo. "Ow! If you bruise me, you'll be sorry. No more snuggling, no more showers together, no more nothing." Marty raised his hands palms out in submission. "You're right. It's way too early in the morning to be fighting. Truce?" He held out his hand. "Truce," Taye said, extending his own and shaking Marty's vigorously. Suddenly, they heard a series of loud thumps from above them. It shook the ceiling and rattled the cupboards. The thumps traveled from one side of the room to the other, followed by a muffled slam as the upstairs door was shut and locked. Both furs turned to look at the door and waited for the inevitable. In two seconds Ken barged into their apartment, out of breath with a frantic look on his face. He left the door open, striding up to the two, eyes wide. "Could I borrow a couple power bars, Taye? Please? I meant to go to the store yesterday, but I didn't, and now I'm late for the gym and a massage, please?" Taye thought for a moment. "Okay, but you owe me. Next time remember to go shopping, and save a couple for me on the side." He walked over to the kitchen and pulled a box from the shelf, opened it and took out a couple of bars. "By the way, how was he last night?" At first, Ken couldn't figure out what the roo meant. It took a couple seconds to register, and when it did he tried his best to look innocent. "What do you mean, last night?" "Oh, come on Ken. What kind of a gay man do you take me for? Do you seriously think when your bed knocks against the wall up there, we can't hear it? Marty and I were on the verge of placing a bet on whether or not you would finish before one o'clock, but of course you stopped before we could shake on it. Must not have been that good. You usually go a lot longer than that." Ken scowled, both at having his bluff called and Taye bringing something like that up in front of Marty. "First of all, I don't think this is the best time to discuss it, as I'm already late. Second of all, it's none of your business what goes on in my apartment behind closed doors. Third of all, it wasn't anything special. I was doing someone a favor, that's all," he said, shrugging his shoulders. He turned to leave and muttered, "Got to hand it to him, the kid was tight." As the cheetah closed the door, Taye thought for a moment. Ken never does favors, unless he gets something out of it. And he called him a "kid". He usually prefers guys his age. Weird he would suddenly take a kid home, unless...no, he wouldn't...he didn't, did he? Shit!- "Shit!" He muttered under his breath and raced back to the door, slipping on the wooden floor. Marty, confused, followed Taye to the door. "Hey, what's wrong? Did I miss something? Talk to me!" He began to get concerned. Whatever Ken had said to get Taye this flustered, almost pissed, was serious. The roo burst out the door, just in time to see Ken mounting his bicycle in the driveway. "DON'T GO ANYWHERE, YOU CONNIVING PLAYBOY!" He screamed around the corner of the house. Ken paused and dismounted, frustrated at being held back even more. He would make it to the gym, but he would have to cancel the massage. "What did I do?" he said. Taye took the stairs two at a time and jumped the last flight to the driveway. "Plenty, if you did what I think you did last night. Just who was it you slept with last night, huh? Why did you call him a kid? He wasn't a virgin, was he?" "Well, duh. Tightest ass I've had in a while. But he wouldn't do it without a condom, so don't worry. Why're you all mad? I told you it's none of your business. You have a boyfriend, remember?" "Look, it's one thing when you bring home some guy who's out for a little casual like you, but this is really a new low. Did you even call him back, or did you just delete his number from your head, and your machine, just like everybody else?" Taye was breathing hard, his eyes burning into Ken's face. "Yes, I deleted it, and why should you care? We were in a bar, and he came on to me, not the other way around. We came back here, and he was practically all over me. He told me to go gentle, and that's when I learned he was a virgin. I didn't rape him, Taye, if that's what you're thinking. He asked for it." Ken tried to remount his bike, but the roo jerked him back roughly. He squeaked and turned to face his friend. When he spoke, he almost spat out the words. "He didn't ask to be deflowered and left hanging in the afterglow, Ken. You, of all people, should know what that feels like. Your problem is, you don't ever try to change it. Why is that, Kenneth? Why is that?" Taye had pushed one button too many. Memories flowed back into his brain, memories he thought he had destroyed. He tried to push them back down, to no avail. He let his anger build up, just standing and fuming at the roo. Vision blurred by oncoming tears, he blew up in his friend's face. Grabbing the tank top he was wearing, Ken pulled him so that their noses touched. "You have no idea what went on in my past, pal! You have no right to tell me how to act in my own life, WHATSOEVER! If you want to meddle, you have your own fuck for that!" He pointed stiffly to Marty, who had stayed at the bottom of the stairs away from the confrontation. Now, seeing his friend in danger, the skunk had started to walk over, but stopped when he saw the claw directed at his head. He was clearly worried. Taye clutched the cheetah's arm and bent it in front of his face so Ken was staring right at it. He twisted the skin around, eliciting another squeak. Taking his index finger, he traced circular paths over the spots scattered on the yellow fur. "Do you know what they say about cheetahs not being able to change their spots, and tigers their stripes? It's not true, Ken. These spots can be changed, and I think you know how. Why won't you try? Hasn't Paulie taught you anything? Or do you just ignore him. You're pretty good at that." Ken ripped his arm away and bared his fangs, making to strike the roo. Taye recoiled and covered his face. His heart in his chest, it was all he could do to keep from slugging him one. He knew he couldn't do it, no matter how hard he wanted to. It would solve nothing, and only serve to make things worse. He thought about Paulie, and all the talks they had had, that little conscience in the recesses of his mind. Once again, he was losing it. He opened his fist and let his arm down slowly. He needed to get out. "I'm done with you. Let me leave," he whispered as he remounted his bike. "Listen, Ken-" the roo began, but was cut off. "Done, Taylor!" Very seldom did Ken use formal names, but when he did he meant business. The conversation was closed. He pushed himself out of the driveway, and pedaled as fast as he could, not looking back. He hadn't made it more than a block away when the tears began to flow. * * * Taye stared down Kinsey Street for what seemed like forever, wishing to God Ken would come back and explain himself. He just looked at the end of the road, shaded by poplar trees, but nothing. So focused were his thoughts that he jumped a little when Marty's hand lighted on his shoulder. "What happened? Is Ken okay?" the skunk asked. The roo looked back at the road for a moment, sighed, and sat down heavily at the end of the driveway. "You know, I really don't know what just happened. I just wanted him to tell me at least something about the way he acts and does what he does." "I know he's kind of a player, but what could he have done to make you so angry? Tell me. It's not good to keep angry, especially when you can vent to me." Marty was rubbing Taye's shoulders in an attempt to calm him down. It felt good. "Do you really want to hear it? I mean, this is something you want to get involved in?" "How long have we been together, Taye? Long enough, I think so that you can tell me everything that's bothering you and I can try to help. You worry me when you and Ken get into it, just like Paulie worries when he sees Doug and Arthur start it up. Although lately, they've been better about it." He shrugged. Taye leaned on Marty's arm and crossed his legs underneath him. He hugged the mephit close and silently thanked the stars he had someone to hold, and hold him back. "You're wrong on one thing, but right about the other. First, Paulie doesn't worry, he frets. The British never worry. Second, I think he would be the perfect person to talk to about this. He can provide a nice second opinion when you need me. He's talked to that cat a lot more than I have, and he's a pretty good Ann Landers as far as relationship advice. He said he would be busy all day, but we wan stop by after dinner. Speaking of which, let's finish our breakfast. Okay?" "Sounds good. But there's only one problem." "Oh? What's that?" Taye asked quizzically. "My Cheerios are bound to be all soggy by now," said the skunk, smiling widely. Marty always knew how to cheer people up. Unfortunately for him, his instincts were too slow to ward off the playful punches from the roo, and both furs fell back onto the concrete laughing. * * * Somehow the extra-padded bench always seemed to relax Ken. As soon as he laid his head in the contoured hole, he closed his eyes and the world washed away in a sea of white carpet and Muzak. As the unseen hands began to pound up and down his back, he tried to forget the morning's events. After having been almost twenty minutes late for his massage, he had to offer Emilio, his masseur, double to keep his appointment. After much squabbling with the Latin ferret, Emilio finally agreed that double was much better than nothing and worth adjusting his schedule for the rest of the day. Now he cursed his decision, struggling to drive his fingers into the gargantuan mass of knots that was the cheetah's back. "Zo, meester Ken, what has been strezzing jou out, eh? Ze boy trouble?" "What are you talking about?" Ken tried a bluff. "Things couldn't be better." "Do not try to fool me, zir. I haf neffer felt zomezing as hard as dis ting you call your back. Well, one time, but iz nudder story, eh? Tell Emilio." It wasn't like he could escape the conversation. He had paid a premium for his half hour and he was going to sit here and take it, come hell or high water. And it looked like Emilio had some hell to give out, albeit well-intentioned. As hard as it was, he still wanted to talk to someone. "Emilio, what's wrong with me? I mean, I'm having fun, picking up hot guys, doing all the normal shit I do. Then this...this kid comes along, starts up on me like a pro, okay? We say some stuff, small talk, then decide we'd be more comfortable at my place-" "Izzat not what jou do all de time, Meester Ken? Zeems like par for de courze to me. Just one zing: wit all ze hotties out zere, why jou take home a virgin, eh?" "WHAT!" Ken bolted upright on the bench, but cried out when his back rammed up against the ferret's fist. "Aw, shit..." he moaned and collapsed into the cushions. How could Emilio have predicted what he would say? For the first time in his life he had been found out by two completely different people, without having told exactly what had occurred. "How in God's name could you know that? And how come I can't tell that in other people? I thought it was part of the...I don't know, gay gene or something." "Zat may be, zir, but I can tell jou zat prolly zince jou tink lovin 'em and leavin 'em iz ze only way to go, jou can't tell it in udder people," the masseur drawled in his heavy Brazilian accent. "I took ze psychology in school. Textbook case, zat. Jou ebber stop to tink zat mebbe jou not feelin right is guilt?" Emilio leaned down a bit to work an especially stubborn knot at the base of the cheetah's tail. Ken lay limp, too tired and sore and emotionally drained to do anything else. He took a moment to replay the previous night's happenings in his head. He also had to admit the ferret brought up a very good point, but he couldn't figure it out. Since he was 15 he had played the field, never once having a problem, until Arin. Until that wolf had sauntered up to the bar trying to hide his little yellow wristband in his pocket. The masterful way he carried himself and flirted. And the way, once they got home, he turned into an unsure and hesitant little virgin boy on his first time. But the scariest thing was after the sex, when Arin had looked into his eyes while he lay blissed out on the bed. For that split-second they locked gazes and Ken not only glimpsed his reflection, but himself as a teenager. That smallish, rounder cat of 15 years, turned into the street hoping for a phone call and never getting one, and the confrontation with- "Eh, Ken! Meester Ken, wake up silly. Jou are done, zleepyhead." Emilio was shaking his shoulders to wake him. The cheetah groggily turned over and off of the bench, shaking his head clear of sleep but not of the dream. "Go work out, but tink of what I say, no? Mebbe jou are changing around, an' jou don't know how to take it. Work it over, and go home happy. You'll zee what happens will come to jou. Now lemme get back to my job," said the ferret, shooing his client out of the room. Pulling his shirt back on, Ken kept seeing visions from his nap. "You've got a point, Em. I have, and will, think about it. I honestly don't know if I've ever thought about it before. Oh boy, what's happening to me?" He muttered as he walked out and started the ten-block walk to the gym. Love, or something like it? Ken, listen to me. The feline shook his head vigorously to get the voice out of his head. Maybe after the workout he could sort his thoughts over a couple of drinks... * * * "Paulie? Paulie, can we come in! Oh, for heaven's sake. I swear the house could be burning down and he wouldn't know it." Taye banged exasperatedly on the door to Paulie and Douglas' apartment, to no avail. Marty perked his ears up, listening for a second. "Do you hear that? It sounds like-" "Music, I know. I should have known it was housecleaning day. Every Saturday Paulie puts on his music and turns it up all the way, singing as he cleans house. I think it would be safe to walk in, though. Although there was this one time he was naked..." He trailed off, finding no need to continue. "Too much information, Taye. I hope I never come across that. How awkward," said the skunk, sticking his tongue out a little. "Aw, the old dog's more careful now. Let's go on in and see if we're in trouble." Taye turned the knob, pushed inward a crack, and peeked inside. Music was coming from the kitchen. He motioned for Marty to follow him, and the two tiptoed into the apartment. The music grew louder as they approached the kitchen. "Hey, mister DJ..." Taye inched his head into the kitchen and found Paulie kneeling on the linoleum, scrubbing away to the beat of Madonna. The long golden tail swished back and forth happily behind him. Taye moved over to let Marty join him in eavesdropping. "I wanna dance with my baby..." The canine swayed back and forth to the song, humming softly in falsetto. The scene was nothing new to Taye, but for Marty it was hilarious to see a 53-year-old man in boxers waxing on and off to the Material Girl. It was all he could do to keep from laughing. Paulie's voice grew louder as he approached the chorus and erupted in all its queer glory: "...it's gonna drive me crazy...MUSIC!...MAKES THE PEOPLE!...COME TOGETHER!...YEA-BLOODY HELL, YOU TWO!" Paulie had looked up just in time to see Marty and Taye break down into side-splitting laughter. The skunk had to fall to the floor to calm himself down. Paulie hurriedly shut off the stereo and walked off to his bedroom to retrieve a shirt. "Sit down in the living room, dears! I'll be with you momentarily," he shouted from down the hall. When he returned a few minutes later his friends had indeed seated themselves on the couch. "Ingrate yankees, can't appreciate talent," he muttered under his breath. Marty and Taye were still giggling as Paulie sat down across from them in an old armchair. "Taye, sweetheart, you're lucky I didn't decide to clean in the buff today. I shan't think of the trauma that would have caused our little Martin here." "No offense, but I'm mature enough to handle delicate situations. Remember my coming-out dinner? Smooth as glass." "But...you melted down, hon," Taye piped up. "You completely went off the deep end on your folks. Delicate situations, my ass." Marty started to rebut, but Paulie raised an authoritative hand and silenced the two. "This is all very entertaining, but why, may I ask, did you waltz into my home and interrupt my Saturday schedule?" he asked curtly. "Certainly not to give me an audience. I did hear some bumping around earlier. Is that what it is?" "Well, to some extent," Taye said. "It's about Ken, and something he did last night. We both have our opinions, but I know you can give me an independent point-of-view. It all started out when he came in this morning looking for some power bars. I brought up the subject of last night, when he brought someone home. He was a virgin, Paulie. A virgin, and you know he won't get a callback. Sounds familiar, I know. I confronted him about it when he was leaving, but he kept avoiding the issue, even dragging Marty into it when he wasn't involved. Christ, he almost hit me! I'm not angry, but what's the deal with him and commitment? You never told me much about him, but it's getting so that it's driving me crazy trying to figure it out." Paulie rubbed his chin for several long seconds, pondering. Finally, he looked up at the two furs. "Anyone up for a nice Chai tea? I think if I'm going to tell you something I swore I'd never tell anyone, I'd need a nice strong tea. Or liquor, but since I have none of the latter I'll go brew a pot. Won't take but a minute, dears. Help yourself to scones on the counter." He got up and walked into the kitchen, humming as he went. In minutes the three were seated comfortably, all sipping the strong infusion. Paulie downed his cup and breathed deeply, as if preparing for a long story. "It was about a year and a half ago that Ken told me this, and swore me to secrecy on it. The only reason you're hearing it from me is that Ken threatened bodily harm on you. He really isn't a violent person, he just tries to make it look that way. He's very weak in spirit, and esteem. But those are demons he'll have to face on his own. Maybe you can say something I haven't said already to convince him how dangerous he's being, both to himself and others. This has nothing to do with getting sick either. "Anyway, about two years ago Ken met up with a rather nice guy. Always calling, always sweet, sending flowers. He decided to try a long-term relationship, and the two moved in together. He hadn't moved here yet, you see. After about six months of struggling to make it work, that bastard just came out one night and told Ken it was over, that he had been fucking someone else, to quote his limited vocabulary. He had already moved his things across town, and just drove off without a goodbye." "Oh, God," said the roo. "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I know that feeling, but he got it bad." "As do I, dear. But Ken isn't one to let things go and move on. He's much too proud of himself to admit defeat, and that just fueled his anger and self-pity. When he came here, looking for cheaper rent, he struck me as very frail, and lost. He was so different then. That same person is still under the hardened exterior, but I'm afraid he's worn the mask so long he's forgotten how to take it off. Some days it worries me near to death. In fact, it's been on my mind again today. He's usually not this late in returning home. I wonder what could be holding him so." Marty chomped down on a scone and said, "I may not be an expert on the subject, and this may sound naïve, but why doesn't he ever give anyone a chance? Why doesn't he take the time to get to know anyone, like Taye and I did? Are we the exception?" "I don't think there are majorities and minorities in the dating game, even in straight relationships," said Taye. "It all comes down to personal choice whether or not one or both partners want to make a lasting commitment to each other. When both agree to either call it a night or arrange a second date, it's easy. It's when each person thinks differently we have a problem. It always ends up hurting one, and often both, partners. And it happens to everyone-me, Paulie, and especially Ken." "Oh," said the skunk. "I can't even imagine what that must feel like. Crappy, I guess. And lonely. I know what lonely can feel like. Going to high school, I didn't really have friends. Everyone talked to me and stuff, but I never felt that click with anyone. Now that I have you guys, it seems really sad to think about it." He put his hands on his temples, rubbing and looking at the floor. His mind cycled through his past, his mental isolation and tried to see Ken in the same situation. It felt terrible. Looking up, his face drawn, he said, "We've gotta talk to him." As if on cue, the three looked toward the apartment door as they heard unstable footsteps clomping upstairs to the second-floor apartment. * * * Ken had already ridden two houses past 6 Kinsey Circle before he realized it. He made a wide, wobbly, sweeping turn in the darkened cul-de-sac and almost toppled over the curb before regaining his balance and pedaling into the driveway. He stopped and let the bike fall onto the lawn. Paulie won't like that, he thought, but the words barely registered in his alcohol-clouded mind. After his workout the cheetah had stopped at a local bar for a few drinks to help him think out this situation he was in. He tried to justify it as a guilt trip laid on by Taye to get him to feel bad and apologize to Arin. He couldn't stay mad at his friend, no matter what he had said that morning. He still wouldn't call the wolf back, but he did want to tell Taye he was sorry for lashing out like that. After the third drink, however, his mind became muddled with the influx of alcohol and he gave up trying to solve his problems. They were gone, at least for the moment. He lost track of the time and soon it was nearly 9:30 at night. He struggled to pay his tab and rode his bike home in the dark. Now, regretting his trip to the bar, he climbed the stairs up to his apartment, each foot treading noisily upon each step as he went. When he got to his door he pulled out a keychain and felt for the lock by hand. He was on the third key when he heard a voice from the landing above. "Need some help with that, dear?" It was Paulie, looking down at him with concern on his face. "Ah, shit," the cheetah mumbled and continued trying to let himself in. "Could you two assist me in getting Ken up here and on the couch? I'm afraid he's quite inebriated," said the canine. Ken heard faint replies from inside Paulie's door, but couldn't make them out. Soon enough, Marty and Taye were at his side. "What, you want to beat me up too?" he said to no one in particular, and realized he had his eyes closed. He opened them and looked up, into Taye's face. What he saw there wasn't anything he expected: he saw pity. "Look, I can do it myself. See?" He turned to climb up to Paulie, but before he knew it he was halfway over the rail, and losing his balance. Paulie gasped, then sighed in relief as Marty threw an arm behind the cheetah's back and held him up. Then he and Taye guided Ken slowly up the stairs and into the apartment. Having given up hope of avoiding a conversation, he stumbled over to the couch and lay down, grateful to have the world stop spinning for once. He closed his eyes again, and barely heard the canine when he spoke. "Ken, dear, why didn't you call me to come and pick you up? You know I'll go out of my way to drive you home. Well, never mind that-what's been with you today? These two here, not to mention myself, have been fretting all day wondering about you. Please tell us." The cheetah was swimming in his own body, unable to control what he said or did. The actions just came of their own accord, before he knew he had done them. He sat up on the edge of the couch, trying his best to hold his head up soberly. "Wait, wait. I kn-know what this is. Nice night for an old-fashioned intervention, now, isn't it?" Taye, who had been sitting on the floor next to Marty, stood up defensively. "Ken, this isn't-" "Please, no need to be upset. This isn't an intervention. We're just concerned. If Douglas and Arthur were here, they'd be concerned too." "If we had known about your breakup before, I never even would have brought up last night. I had no idea how-" Taye drew back as Ken jumped to his feet, growling lowly. He looked first at the roo, then at Paulie. He bared his teeth. "How could you, Paulie? HOW COULD YOU!? You swore to me you would never...you-you swore to me!" His voice had risen an octave. Rising from the armchair, Paulie put a hand on Ken's shoulder. "Taye said you almost hit him earlier. I couldn't just sit there and shrug it off when I could help you more by letting them know. We both can see that." He looked at the feline and saw the confusion and hurt behind the dark, glassy eyes. Ken pulled away and backed toward the door, wanting to get out more than ever. All three were silent, and the tension in the room fell thick all around. They nearly cried out when the phone rang on the end table by the couch. Taye was closest to it, and picked up the receiver. "Hello?...no, but I live in the same building...uh, sure. Paulie, for you." He handed it over, and Paulie put it to his ear. "Yes?...oh, hello Arin..." The canine looked expectantly at Ken, who heard the name and moaned up at the ceiling. "Yes, dear, he's here with me...well, maybe he could tell you himself. Here he is." He held the receiver at arm's length towards Ken and nodded. "It's for you. He wants to know why he can't reach you downstairs. Says the line's been disconnected. I think you need to give him an explanation. You at least owe him that." "Tell him to call me back in five, I'll get it downstairs. I don't want to do this here," said Ken, trying to bluff his way out. "That won't work tonight. As long as he's waiting on the other end of the line, take care of it now. Don't keep him waiting any longer. We can go outside if you want some privacy." Ken looked at the floor, thought a moment, seemed almost ready to run out the door as fast as he could. But he relaxed and glanced back up, smiling weakly. "You don't have to leave. I can take care of it." He sauntered over, a drunken caricature of his sober self and grabbed the phone. "Hey, Arin! How's it hangin'?" he drawled. "Ken, is that really you? Jeez, you had me so worried. What's up with your phone? I'm glad I looked up Paulie in the yellow pages, or else I-" "That's nice," the cheetah butted in. "We needed to have this little conversation." "What do you mean, conversation?" Ken smiled bigger. "Oh, you know, the conversation where I tell you to fuck off and get a life. That conversation." He looked up at his three friends, whose jaws were dropped open in shock. "I-I'm sorry, Ken? What are you saying? Last night, it-it didn't mean anything to you?" Giggling now, the cheetah wavered on his feet as the words fell out of his mouth into the phone. "Listen, Arin. You're nothing to me. NUH-THING, do you understand? The only reason I fucked your silly brains out was for me, and me alone. I don't do relationships, I don't do boyfriends, and I DON'T DO ROMANCE!" With each accented phrase, he stared murderously at each one of his friends in turn, as if to accuse them of treason. So, if you don't mind LEAVING ME ALONE FOREVER, we can all live happily ever after. Capisce?" For a moment there was silence on the other end, but Arin's voice came back, obviously a little choked and thickened with growing emotion. "*sigh* Uh...boy. Is that, er, how you really feel? 'Cause I may sound upset but I still don't totally buy it. Just say so, and I'll, uh...go away." The little wolf was trying to remain strong in the face of rejection. "PLEASE! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! ARE YOU STILL NOT CONVINCED? BUY THIS!" Ken slammed the phone in its cradle hard enough to ring the bells inside, then turned to face his friends. Paulie had his arms crossed and was looking down, Marty looked like he didn't know what to think, and Taye was running his hand hard over the end of his muzzle in frustration. All of a sudden the cheetah wanted to vomit, as if voiding himself would make things better. Sweat glistened on his brow and fell into his bloodshot eyes, making them sting. He was breathing hard. "I...just don't know what to say," Taye muttered. "Unbelievable." Ken walked right up to the roo, nose to nose again. He spoke in a low, controlled voice. "Good, because I do. You may think I don't want a relationship due to that...that fluke two years ago, but you have no idea. At all. Waaaay back in 1992 there was this little, pudgy 15-year-old cat who went clubbing one night with some friends. He didn't know he was gay back then, but that night changed it for him. He got picked up by a 19-year-old hunk who sweet-talked him, bought him drinks, made him feel like a real person, with real sex appeal. "That night ended with the cat losing his virginity behind a dumpster, quite roughly. It altered his way of seeing things, and finally made him realize he wasn't straight like the other boys. He felt loved, and cared about, and wanted. He left his phone number, but never got called back the next day. Or the next. Until an entire year had gone by, wasted waiting for that asshole to call me." Once again Ken felt himself starting to cry, the memories stronger than ever. Taye, tried to speak, but found he couldn't. Ken continued. "Our little cat grew up, didn't he? Grew up and got bitter, figuring relationships were for sissies and twinks. Never knowing what it felt like to know you were someone's, and vice-versa. And then came Will. I had a feeling, an instinct if you will. I tried my best to act like I knew what I was doing for six months, and then-well, I'm sure Paulie told you the rest from there. Pretty fucking good sob story, if I do say so myself. So next time you try to judge me by the way I act, think about it for a minute." The roo turned away, then sat back down on the couch. He looked up at Ken, chest still heaving slightly, and put his hands on his knees. "I'm sorry, buddy. I can't say anything to help, just-I'm sorry, for everything. I understand now, a little." "Good," Ken said. "I'm done here. Don't follow me up. I hope you're all nice and satisfied." His voice reeked of venom. He left the apartment before anyone could stop him and bounded down to his door. It was still locked, but he turned the knob on the first key. On the way to his bedroom he threw off his shirt and pants, leaving them on the floor. He stopped in the bathroom, looking for anything to put him down for the night. Sliding boxes and tubes out of the way, he found an unopened bottle of sleeping pills on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet. His muddled mind couldn't grasp taking just one pill, and Ken found himself downing the entire contents into his maw and washing them down with water. He shook at the rancid aftertaste of the pills, and hardly found the strength to walk back to his bed. Soon he couldn't even hold his eyes open, and the events of the night were all but forgotten as he slipped under the black cover of unconsciousness. He felt so relaxed, it didn't seem like his heart was beating hardly at all... * * * Arin might not have been the brightest kid on the block, but he knew from personal experience when someone he was arguing with didn't believe what they were saying. Thanks to his dysfunctional family life, the wolf could tell at the end of his phone conversation with Ken that there was a lot more going on by the sound of his voice. The words still hurt, but more than anything, he wanted to know why they were said. Now, as he was driving through downtown Boston, he couldn't help but feel a sense of impending doom, heavy on his head. The streetlights blinked amidst the sickeningly orange night glow on the deserted buildings and streets. It was all he could do to keep from speeding. At last, Kinsey Street appeared up ahead. The wolf turned the corner and coasted into the cul-de-sac, barely stopped before he was out of the car and on his way up the stairs. He raised his fist to knock on the door, but lowered it when he saw it was already ajar. The doom got heavier, turning his stomach in knots. "Ken? Ken, it's me-Arin. Look, I didn't come to beg, and I didn't come to bother you. All I want is to talk a little. I just want to know why you're so torn inside. Don't bother denying it, because...Ken?" The wolf had walked slowly from the living room into the bedroom while he was talking, expecting the cheetah to lash out at him once again. But when he heard no response, he just let the words fall. The doom was overpowering now, making him hesitate as he crept into the bedroom and saw Ken sprawled out , half-naked, but unnaturally so. He walked closer, his chest heaving on the verge of dry sobs as he looked down at the person who had taken him less than 24 hours ago, with such gusto. Now the feline lay limp, eyes slightly open and a trail of saliva running from the corner of his mouth to the bed, where it had stained the sheets. "K-Ken?" Arin remained quiet, trying to steady his hand as he reached out and put two fingers to the cheetah's neck. He felt a weak heartbeat, then counted until the next one. Four seconds passed like an eternity, and then a second heartbeat. "Oh, God...shit." The wolf kneeled next to the bed, watching Ken's chest. Every ten seconds or so, it would barely rise and fall. Arin couldn't take much of this, and panicked out of his state of shock. Now that he knew his friend was alive, he needed to get to a hospital. Rushing through the apartment, he finally found the empty bottle of sleeping pills on the floor behind the toilet. Tucking it into his pants pocket, he put one arm under Ken's neck and a second under his knees. He hoisted with all his strength and carefully walked out onto the staircase. Twice he almost fell, but adrenaline kept energy in his legs and he made it to the car. The wolf shoved Ken's motionless body into the passenger seat and belted him in. Just as he was getting into the driver's side, he heard Paulie yelling from the top floor. "Arin? Is that you? Kenneth? Is everything alright, dear?" The wolf could only think to say, "Sleeping pills! Going to hospital! Follow me!" Then he ducked back into the car and screeched out of the neighborhood. Paulie thought for a second, bewildered. At first he didn't connect Arin's words with Ken, but when it clicked his stomach dropped and his mouth went dry. "Oh, dear Lord, no...no. TAYLOR!" * * * There was nothingness. He floated and swayed in a sea of black, enveloped in something he could neither feel nor touch. It felt like years he had been here, yet he still waited patiently, for...something. First to come back was sound. Muffled, then clearer until he could pick out the distinct voices of his friends, muttering all around him. The rest of his senses slowly came into focus, a much less pleasant experience. He felt the needles in his arms, various tubes, and incredible nausea. The rotting-iron taste of his own blood in his mouth, and the cold smell of white tile and scrubs. He didn't want to open his eyes, but he could no longer keep them closed, either. The world exploded in front of him in a cacophony of bright lights and activity. The cheetah focused the blurry picture into sharpness with much concentration, but once he had it stayed. He could barely make out the four forms around him, silhouetted by the overhead fluorescents. Someone mumbled something incoherent, and the lights went dark and the shadows filled in. Paulie was the first to meet his gaze, and rushed to the bedside to grip his hand. "Oh, Ken, you had us so worried. Why did you do that?" His voice was low, but thick. His hand was shaking slightly. "Mmmph. Yuck," the cheetah said, clearing his throat. "Do...do what? What did I do?" He honestly couldn't remember much of the last six hours. Marty came over and squatted on the other side of the bed. "Ken, you downed a whole bottle of sleeping pills. Arin found you, and we brought you here. They had to pump your stomach. The doctor said you would have been fine anyway, just sleepy for a few days. But we all thought you were dead, man. You were hardly breathing." "Not on purpose," Ken managed to say. "I was too drunk to think about it. Oh my God, you guys thought I was trying to kill myself? Oh, jeez, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to go to sleep and forget all this ever happened. Man, I've been such an asshole. I wish I could've seen that sooner. Oh, my head." He lay back down and stared up at the ceiling, until a thought crossed his mind. "Hey, Paulie?" "Yes, dear?" "Where's Arin?" "Outside the room. I'm afraid after he got you here and under medical supervision he broke down in the waiting room. He's since calmed down a little, but he's still more concerned than the three of us, by far. I think he feels responsible. Did you want us to leave and send him in?" Ken pushed a button at the side of his bed, and the backrest rose until he was sitting upright. He looked out through the glass and iron-mesh window and saw the wolf, looking very scared and very small. He was biting his claws and pacing slowly. Twin trails of dark fur underneath his eyes told the cheetah he had been very upset for quite awhile. "Yeah, Paulie. Could you give me some time alone with him? In fact, you don't have to stay here if you don't want to. Go home and get some sleep. I've caused enough pain for one day." "You bet, Ken. Take care of yourself, do you hear me?" He kissed the cheetah's forehead lightly and patted him behind the ears. "Taye, Martin, let's go home. Our friend needs to rest." The three left him, and the door closed. He listened the quiet room, hearing only the rush of air and his own heartbeat as a mechanical beep. He watched as Paulie let Taye and Marty go on ahead, then turned to Arin. The canine spoke into his ear, and the wolf looked up into the room, straight at him. If he had managed to control himself before, he was losing it again quickly. Ken saw Paulie mouth "goodbye" and "thank you" as he left Arin alone in the waiting room. Soon the wolf made his way hesitantly to the door and opened it carefully, as if something would break if he weren't careful. Once inside he closed it behind him, and edged along the opposite side of the room from Ken's bed. He leaned on the countertop, arms folded, and looked dejectedly at the floor. Again the room fell silent. "Hi," Ken said, his throat still rough. Arin still didn't look up. He stood as stone, but his chest moved measured with his breath. "Look, kid...no, I shouldn't call you that. Arin, I just wanted to say that-hey, what's wrong?" The wolf's face worked hard, trying to hold back sobs. His muzzle scrunched up and showed his fangs in a grimace of destitution. He didn't cry out loud, but the tears dripped off his fur and whiskers onto the floor. He sniffed hard a couple times, wiped his nose with the back of his hand, and looked up to Ken. He was clearly distressed beyond what he could handle. Ken looked into those same eyes again, and saw the damage he had caused. He also saw himself, saw how he looked in that bed, the product of his own doing. He had to turn away from Arin's gaze. As he did, the lupine spoke up, barely above a whisper. "I n-never meant for this to h-happen. I had no idea you-you didn't want me to call back. But, I couldn't believe it, and I didn't. I had to come and see for myself, and look what happened. I'm so sorry, Ken." Arin finally broke down and collapsed to the floor, totally drained emotionally and physically. Ken saw his friend trying to put the blame on himself and leapt out of the bed, cursing as the needles ripped at his flesh. He knelt by the poor lupine and wrapped himself around him, hugging him tight. "No, no, no. Please don't say that. You had nothing to do with it. This whole damn mess is my fault, has been for a long time. Please, stop crying, Arin. For me? Show me you believe me, just once. You never have to talk to me again if you don't. Look here." Ken put two fingers under the wolf's chin and brought it level with his. So much he wanted to see happiness in those dark eyes, and relief. He could only think of one thing to do. Arin blinked the tears away, then was caught by surprise when Ken's lips met his and parted them. He gave in to the cheetah's embrace and returned the gesture, pulling his head in closer. The moment lingered for a few seconds, then faded as Ken drew away slowly. Arin said, "I thought you didn't like to kiss." "I didn't say that, exactly. I only kiss when I mean it. What I wanted to say to you before, well...I'm sorry for treating you the way I did. I'm also glad as hell you didn't buy it when I told you to fuck off. It's good to know so many people care about you sometimes. It makes you want to improve yourself. And I know that now, because of you." The wolf giggled, his nose still running slightly. "It makes me happy just to hear you say that." "You'd better go get some sleep too. You look so tired." The wolf yawned largely as he stood up and rubbed his eyes. Ken stood with him, holding each hand in his. "Thanks, Ken. For everything. I'll see you later, maybe." He turned and started to leave. For a fleeting instant Ken thought he might never see the wolf again. He would not let that happen, not to him. "Hey, Arin." "Huh?" "You want to do dinner and a movie next week? I'll be fine by then. We can have some fun, start over again? What do you say?" He shrugged and put on his best smile. Arin stood in the middle of the doorway, holding it open. For a moment he looked like he couldn't believe it, then grinned and looked back, genuinely pleased. "I'd like that. I'll call you in a few days, okay?" "Okay," Ken replied, feeling a small rush. He was blushing, something he hadn't done since he was 15. It was like starting all over again. The cheetah sat back onto the bed, the hospital room somehow seeming less foreboding than before. A second date? How do I do that? he thought incredulously. This time the little voice in his head chimed in, and for once he liked what it had to say. You'll do fine, dear. You always do. ~FIN~ 7/30/03