The Chronicles of Rogue: Chapter Seven
#7 of The Chronicles of Rogue
Yeah, I know it's... very... late. And short. I just haven't been feeling like myself for the past two months, ish. I'll try and get back to writing more as soon as I can, though! >.<... I kinda got depressed that not too many people are reading... but oh well, beggars can't be choosers.
Roguefever Productions
Proudly presents
The Chronicles of Rogue
Chapter Seven
Disclaimer: I own the character Rogue and the plot to this story. Both are copyright to me.
Wait a second, what? What exactly did I just agree to?
Wulf opened his eyes, looking puzzled. It was as if he couldn't hear me over the whirring of the machines in the room. He cocked his head to the side in a very canine expression of confusion.
"What?" He asked me. "What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you..." He flushed with embarrassment.
"I, um. Hold on..." I said, vying for time.
Let's see. On one paw, I have the possibility for a life of happiness and fulfillment if everything goes well, on another paw, I have the chance of everything being totally awkward afterwards. And yet, on another paw, I have the worst scenario. The scenario where we fall madly in love, and for some reason, one of us leaves the other.
I wasn't very fond of feeling sad. I can't say I've met someone who was, honestly, and the thought of that kind of commitment and the risk of my own happiness seemed fairly hefty...
I should probably elaborate. I used to not care about logic, like I'm trying to do now - be highly logical - and I used to make every decision based off how I felt. Emotion rules my higher processes entirely, with intuition held closely by its side. Unfortunately for me, that led to a few bad choices every now and then, along with sorrow a-plenty, this is why I'm trying so hard to be logical right now. I'm trying to avoid getting hurt.
The process of being ruled by emotion comes down to three things when confronted with a choice:
One: Do I like the person telling me this or asking this of me?
Two: What does my gut tell me?
Three: Do I like my choices or the information presented to me?
Being someone ruled by emotion is even more difficult if you are, like me, very easy to please; a person with somewhat low expectations, and who is happy with most anything. It's actually a very stressful way to live.
That being said, I was thinking extremely hard about my choice here. My mind was at war with itself. The romantic side of my brain armed with hopes of joy and love, and shielded by dreams of a mate and someone who might care about me, against the logical side of my brain, armed with deductive reasoning and defended by cold, hard facts. Seems unfair, in logic's favor, doesn't it.
Or so you'd think.
I envisioned life five years from now, living with Wulf. I saw me as happy as I had ever been in my whole life, with him beside me and me beside him. I imagined the two of us doing everything together: going to the movies where he would hold my paw if I ever got scared, letting me sit in his lap; the gentlest of moments, where I would put my paw on his cheek where he might have scraped it, only to have him take my paw in his and kiss my palm softly, his eyes smiling as they always do; I could imagine us cuddling together on a bed, naked, his arms wrapped around my waist and my back against his hardened muscles, sighing contentedly; I could imagine my paw holding his as we walked along a beach, the red light of a sunset casting his fur in fire, the sparkling water reflected in his eyes; I could imagine us sitting on a bed in a room with me commenting to him about how on earth can someone who doesn't even wear socks possibly have so many that don't match; I could imagine the sex, oh, how the sex would be amazing, though I did wonder how he managed to fit; I could imagine going to a restaurant with him, and him chuckling as I got some food on my nose; I could imagine us both laughing, just laughing for the sake of hearing each other's joy...
But then Ii turned towards the logical side and seen what it had to offer...:
I could envision him and I, fighting over the most mundane of things; I could see us torn apart by work schedules, maybe; I could see him, getting hurt somewhere without me there to come and get him, and him being there, helpless; I could see us together, so in love one moment, the next so far away as the other mourns at a funeral, heartbroken; I could see him and me growing bitter with age, possibly not speaking for days at a time; I could see us splitting apart from a difference in values; I could see one of us getting killed in an accident or in a murder, the other driven towards revenge by bloodlust and sorrow, which is no way to live... But worst of all:
I could see him leaving me for someone else, even though we might have been so in love.
I knew that if that happened it would break me. I would be a nobody, just a soul in a hollow shell of a cat that used to be me. There would be nothing to recover, nothing to spare. I could just see it so clearly... I could feel it as if it had happened, the pain, the betrayal, the anger... the anguish... Just thinking about it hurt me. What would I do, if it came to that? I know first loves aren't always loves forever, but it would simply kill me without killing me; I would no longer be me if it happened.
I shoved the negative thinking aside. Was I actually happy now? Granted, killing me without killing me wouldn't have much more effect than when my parents kicked me out... I was over that in two months, but two months is a very long time for a heartbroken cat named Rogue.
I weighted my options. No, I was not necessarily happy right now. Yes, Wulf was incredibly sexy, and I wanted him. No, I have nothing currently except for the two backpacks I had earlier - I spotted them in the corner of the room, having completely forgotten about them till now - and that meant I had little to nothing to lose, save my dignity and self-esteem. Yes, I had almost everything to gain, from happiness to a home, to a lover and a friend... I stopped and thought for a moment about that. A friend... I haven't had one of those in a long time... What was it like, to have someone always there for you when you needed them, back when I was human? Oh... right... I didn't have any friends back then either. If I remember correctly - which I almost always do - most if not all of the children at the school I went to hated me, for no reason. I realized, I had never known friendship. Here I am, sixteen years of age, and I have never had someone close enough to me that I could call them a 'friend'... The thought disturbed me and threw me into a vast pit of sadness that I barely caught the edge of and hung on for all I was worth. If I let myself get swallowed up by such a sadness, such a depression, I would certainly kill myself.
I weighted my options once more. No, yes, no, yes... That was fifty-fifty. I looked back up at Wulf, all of these thoughts happening in the fraction of an instant while a diaphanous feeling in the pit of my stomach, small and nearly insubstantial, tugged at my attention. It was my dearest resource and long-sought comfort, Intuition.
Intuition told me to do it. Intuition told me to saunter right up to that canine to take that sexy stud and grope him about the ass while saying 'yes' directly into his ear. Intuition told me that whatever went wrong, everything would have gone right before that.
The voices came back. The ugly voiced in the back of my head, orchestrating back my attention like a conductor in front of his musicians. The voices overlapped one another, echoing, one starting to whisper its comment before the previous one had finished:
Anyone will betray you--They enjoy to see you suff(er)--Be warned! He cannot b(e trusted!)--There is only one who you can trust, Rogue...
_ Trust only... - Trust only yourself - Only yourself - Yourself only... Only yourself can you trust, for you cannot betray you..._
They sounded like dark, little demonic things whispering in my ears, and I wanted to listen to them, but I stuffed them into a jar in my head and capped the lid. I did not poke holes in the top. The little bastards could die in there, I was sick of them whispering to me for the past six years.
I looked Wulf in the eyes again, his effervescent, smiling eyes. His expression was one of curiousness, pleading, possibly even longing for the same things I did. For a body to hold, for a heart to share. I made my decision then. I straightened my back, and felt a small shimmer of determination flicker in my eyes as I delivered my reply, my voice confident and unwavering:
"I said 'yes'." My voice lost its determination, instead of sounding like an avalanche, unstoppable, able for me to ride upon it until it finally stopped at the bottom of the mountain, it was instead like the constant sch-schwa of the ocean, coming in small bursts and stutters. "I... I would really like... I mean, I'd really enjoy that. Going out with you, on a date..."
He smiled, his eyes reflecting his mood in a hundred ways. His ears perked back up, he stood up straighter, his tail wagged a tiny bit. It was contagious, and I was smiling too, after a bit.
It was then that I made a promise to him. A promise to me. I promised, that as long as I was with Wulf, and as long as he was with me, that I would try my hardest to let him wear that smile as often as he could.