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Chapter Four: Baring the Shame

If I love her will it be for nothing, watching as everything flies by? Will this sickness afflict me? What I could ever want is so close, but so far away, I will stay for a little longer. I need to speak with the doctor before it is too late.

The doctor's office is dark and the white cardboard paintings blotched in black ink are melting from the heat radiating from the heater.

"What is her condition, I must know!" asks Ren.

The doctor lifts a mug off a nearby mantle, "I told you what you needed to know? You think just because you're new here... I don't already have dirt on you?"

Ren shakes his head, "I know you must think of me as an ignorant traveler, but I want to help her!"

"Get the hell out of my house before I kill you!" he shouts, "and tell the Samuel, our town toll operator, we don't like vagrants!"

The cold pavement was not forgiving to my soar body, and as I was chucked out the door, I knew I was helpless. That day a man such as me couldn't afford the simplest of things. I only had wished to help someone, Ani. I recall waking up this morning, she was naked, sprawled over me. Did something happen that I don't remember? If I only knew what was wrong with her. Should I just give up? No, I refuse to give up on her, she deserves a cure no matter what the cost is. God, what am I saying this woman whom I had just met may have seduced me last night and in my arrogance I want to stay with her? The truth is the thing I could not afford was love...

The day was prolonged and difficult. Everyone in town glaring at me, but why? What had I done? Once I had gotten to the library I stopped.

"The only way to save her is to know what I'm dealing with, but how can I? They banned me from the library. The only way I could even think about setting foot in there is if...!" he thinks.

The line was long and I could see many people there, but most were women. Was I in the wrong line? This was the line into town hall after all and I knew it was a necessary part of the process.

Ren thinks to himself, "Oh. The line is moving, Damn, the wall paper in here must be plated in silver," he scratches his head.

"Next please," shouts a clerk, "Next!"

Ren ran to the desk, "Sorry I was..."

"If you keep doing that you'll be lucky to survive a week," he pulls a pen out of his desk, "So, what are you here for?"

"I would like to become a citizen please," he replies.

"Ah, yes. We all want things, but if we get them... We'll have to see. I need you to just answer a few questions on behalf of the kingdom," says the clerk.

What kingdom, last time I checked this was a socialist society. It is not a question anymore as to why the bank had gained so much power. They probably made a deal with the church so they wouldn't have to pay the taxes if they donated a yearly sum of cash.

"Sure, I would be glad to."

"Have you ever live in Ausnu, before now?" asks the clerk.

"Not that I recall?"

One lie of many more I had to make. If they knew who I was, they would kill me on site, after all I did desert my country in a time of war.

"Okay, next question," Clerk writes his answer down, "Why do you want to become a citizen?"

"I need a place to live, for now. I don't plan on leaving anytime soon and I think it would be a wonderful experience."

The next few questions were common ones like, age, place of birth, Etc.

When I had gotten back to the inn, the door to my room had been opened and the money from my wallet was gone.

"Damn it!" shouts Ren, "What did I do to deserve this!"

As he turns around a sign on the back of the door reads, "Leave this town or we will kill the girl."

What could I do, I was broke. I had no choice, but to leave because of my ignorance, because of my selfish love. Is there such a thing as selfish love?

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Chapter Five: Conspiracies or Contemplations

The memories returned as soon as I left, although I have to say what happened was not such a disappointment to me, for I had denied her anything, but sleeping together. Her beautiful hair was so clean and yet so sexy. I ran my hands through it and as I did she had undressed. She said she was cold, but I knew that she was just drunk. A drunken love affair? Is it? No, for I need to cope with the fact my family is dead.

I remember the day I had left. It was one of the emptiest feelings in the world, I had just turned sixteen. For a while my wife and I had thought about bringing life into the world and on September 28 we had. I would have given anything to have seen my wife bare them, but it was to late. The government had already shipped me out to, Canetu, a dark city just beyond the point where I thought I would never return.

A mail courier delivered her messages to me, but I unfortunately could not send any back. We had twins, and I couldn't even tell them I was ok or that I loved them. Then again they were only two months old and wouldn't be able to read these letters till they were older, and if I had died in combat.

I would sit under the nearest tree and hold its vines like they were the hands of my wife's and pretend that she were looking at the same stars I was. If only I knew that within my countries' government were conspiracies of a coup, I would have run then. In that summer I learned what it meant to have nothing. No life, no home to go back to, no goddamn anything.

I contemplated suicide and planned it a few times, but most of the time the platoon stopped me before I had the chance to complete it. This time of hardship was hell for me, but I put everything into my life back home and they took it away from me. My gods took it away from me, my government, I took my own wife's life in a figurative manor and although she died by the hands of our own soldiers. I knew I had to do something.

Through every violent act I committed it fed my mental anguish, the blood of my friends felt more like a gift from the gods, saying, "We justify your actions," and so I did. The night before I deserted my country I killed my platoon. I killed them in the most horrific of ways. I had stolen ethanol from the surgical room and when they fell asleep I put it over their mouths. I cut them in the places which would bleed enough so that when they woke up they would have moments to contemplate what they had done. I called it gods' forgiveness, but they must have seen it as hell. I will not leave her back there to die, like my family, and I will not be pushed around. I will go back and I will kick some ass!

When I returned to the town I was abruptly attacked from people in the shadows. I am glad I bought the sword from the toll booth official even though he had betrayed me, but it saddened me at the same time. It did not please me to hear their voices screech as I lunged it through their hearts. I love her, I need to do this it is for her! I grabbed onto one of the men by the neck and held the tip of the blade to their jugular, I got the information I needed. Her location...

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Chapter Six: From Her Eyes

Where am I? I feel so alone, why do they hit me? Where is Ren? If I could get up I would, but I am bound by fear of the master hurting me. Oh, look here he is again. Why does he hit me? I don't do anything to him and keep quiet like he asks.

"What the hell do you think you're doing," shouts the man, "Damn it. Did you have sex with him, Ani?" The man smacks her across the face, "I love you too much to let you mess our relationship up!"

What relationship is he talking about, he may be my father, but he is an animal. What, what is he doing, why does he kiss me with such passion, I do not love him like that, or at all. Is this what he is? Is this why mother is dead?

"Father, No!" she screams, "Not like this!"

"It may not be vaginal sex, but still I control this land, for I am its hidden ruler. Now obey!" he smacks her across the face again.

"Damn you, father! Damn you to hell!" she screams, trying to release his grip.

I cried for hours afterward, maybe if I held my breath long enough he would think me dead? Of all the men in the world he is the cruelest, and the most savage. For he had raped his own daughter and killed my mother.

Later, much later, I heard him talking with the guards outside the prison cell which he had especially made for me. The torture devices on the wall were cold to the touch and so was the floor, the nakedness was unbearable and I thought for sure I would die of frost bite, but I knew that this was his way of saying I shouldn't mess around with other men. Why did he have to rape me like this, why would the wetness stay for hours even though it had dried long ago.

"How much longer your Majesty?" asks the guard, "I can't stand to hear that bitch moan anymore!"

"You will hold your, tongue or I will cut it off and feed it to her. Do you understand!" he says.

"Yes sir," says the guard with a tremble in his voice, "I will bare it!"

"Good, because you're going to listen to her scream. Right now!" he walks into the room slamming the door open.

"Oh, god! Not again!" she screams.

He choked me till I had no breath and touched me in places no one should. I try to break free, but he clutched me. I had no choice but to give up and so I did.

"Ani!" she hears, "Ani where are you?!"

Could it be him, Ren? The guard cried and plead for his life, but I could hear his head hit the floor then his body. Father has gone, where to? But the door has opened and Ren is there, he saved me.

"Ani! Wake up," screams Ren, "Please!"

The thought of Ren seeing me like this tore my insides out from limb to limb.

"Don't look at the defiled me, Ren. Don't look at what he did to me!" she screams, barely able to stay awake, "look behind... you."

The swords met with what seemed like an unnatural way. I watched for as long as I could, but it was of no use. My eyes were closed faster than the fight was over.

"Oh my god, this can't be. Brother?" says Ren, blood staining the refection in his sword