Remissions Of Guilt: Begin Again
#11 of The Love they Shared
Hey guy's I'm back, sorry about the delay, I'm just very busy. I have the whole story plot written down so now its just about putting it into words so this won't die out. I will finish the story you all can count on that.
-MI
Remissions Of Guilt: Begin Again
June 6th-June7th
Five and a half hours. That's how long I sat on that damn plane, thinking about my future. I mean I just ran away from home, left my old life behind, and now I'm going to college to live happily ever after? Bullshit. It always seems to go smoother in your head, but when you try to get everything down right for real, it comes down to nerves. Its those tiny bundles of axons and dendrites that relay messages throughout your body, signals from the brain on how to react, and my nerves are shot right now. I thought I had a better plan then this, but at the moment, I need to get a place to stay, make sure I'm paid off for the semester, get a lay out of the town and make sure that I'm safe from my parents or anyone else who might try and find me. I let out a sigh laying my head against the seat.
"I need to just relax." I mumbled. I decided to check the time only to realize that I packed my phone in my cargo luggage. My grip tightened on the arm rest as I grunted in displeasure. I saw the stewardess approaching down the isle carrying drinks.
"Excuse me miss?" I signaled her over. The petite Dalmatian gave me a friendly smile. It was a smile that made you feel safe around her, like she was easily approachable and likable.
"Need something sir?"
"Just the time please." She nodded and slid back her sleeve exposing a small teal colored watch on her wrist.
"It's about 2am sir. You should try to get some sleep."
"Thank you miss."
She smiled that friendly smile again before she turned away to continue down the isle. I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. I couldn't place it, but I'd seen that smile before in my life; the feeling that I got in my chest told me who it was.
Her smile...it's just like Chelsea's.
I wrinkled my brow in shame. I thought back to the last time I saw her. It was the night of the New Years party. Since that day, she avoided me at all costs. She didn't even make eye contact with me during graduation. I cringed at the thought.
It hurts to see a lover go, but I never...had a physical love for her. I loved her, but more as a friend and I completely failed as a lover. I...but...well...when we would have sex; she was not the thing I was truly thinking about screwing. She never thought I failed as a lover but I knew I did because I was thinking about that shy husky rather than the feline that was in my hands at the time.
I let out yet another quite sigh as I pulled my head forward to pull up my hood of my grey hoodie before I sat back in the chair. I felt tired and drained from the past several weeks.
The way I see it at least is, the school hates me, my friends hate me, and my family hates me so I need to leave. Very black and white but its true. If I ever want to feel happy again, I'm going to have to leave what I did in the past and just try to begin my life over again. I tilted my head to the left side resting it against the cold glass. Gazing out my window into the pitch black morning sky over god knows where, A strange thought came to me.
The darkness in the night is comforting in a strange way. It reminds me of my past, and now, I'm flying away from that darkness, towards a new life. Towards the horizon.
I fell asleep shortly after that thought.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen this is you captain speaking. Its 5:30 am east coast time or 2:30am pacific coast time and we are coming in for a landing. I hope you enjoyed your flight."
I stirred out of my sleep with a groan.
"Damn, it's only 2:30 here? I should have thought of that before I booked this flight." I muttered to myself.
I gazed out the window again, seeing the landing lights on the runway below us. It was still too dark out to see anything else. After we landed I grabbed my overhead bag and stepped off the plane into the airport terminal.
"Welcome Phoenix Arizona."
The robotic intercom announced at booming decibels that made most of the furs stop what they were doing and look around; I was no different.
The airport was big yet not very noisy, probably because it's 2:30am. The walls were chromed and contained a multitude of electronic billboards that flashed everything from landing times to advertisements for coffee shops. I stepped onto a long escalator and began to walk down a narrow glass hallway overlooking the runway. Following the signs that were EVERYWHERE, I made my way over to the baggage claim terminal and took an empty seat. Jet Lag had settled in as my body became aware that my original 3 and a half hours of sleep had now just turned into a half an hour. I rubbed my eyes with my paw.
"I need to get my things and find a motel for the day."
Looking around, I noticed a kiosk that had a sign with big blue letters on it reading: MAPS. I went over to it and picked up a city map. I went back to my chair and began to examine the city. Turns out the college is quite a ways away from the airport and without a car, getting there was now a different issue. As for a hotel, there is a Holiday Inn on the outside of town.
"This Holiday Inn is not too far from the college, so that is going to be my home base for the next while."
I sat there in thought.
"I wish I didn't leave just yet. Summer vacation won't be over for the college students until August. If my family didn't hate me so much, I would have waited to run off until later."
Frustrated, I gave more thought on things I can do here to kill time.
"Well, I can make sure my payments for college are squared away and maybe, maybe I can find some people to room with or something online perhaps."
I checked the time on the electronic clock on the wall; it's almost 4:00am now. Damn luggage check, takes forever. I got up and walked over towards the concessions stand, pulled out my wallet to got a large black coffee. I still had some cash money on me to cover basic transactions, but I knew that sooner or later I was going to need a job. As soon as I started heading back towards my chair, I saw the luggage wheel start turning and the bags beginning to make their rounds. It was not to long before I had my two suit cases and keyboard under arm. I walked down the long glass lined hall way towards the exit of the dark 4:00am airport and into the early morning air of Arizona.
I was still not to sure about how I was getting to the hotel. The car rental place was probably closed, and it was way too far to walk.
"Screw it; I'm going to find the shuttle bus." I mumbled to my self.
It was around 4:45am by the time I made it up to my hotel room. I rented the place for the next while. I can basically live here until school starts, and then I can get a dorm. Hopefully by the next semester I can just get an apartment of campus to live at. I opened my suit cases and began to unpack the few items I brought.
As I began putting my clothes away I stopped and stared at the little black shaving kit in the center of the suit case. I carefully reached in and opened it up to reveal a dozen or so medication bottles. Carefully I opened a bottle and poured the contents onto the bed. The 40mg green pills rolled onto the bed laughing at my very weakness that they have control over. These anti-depressants are a necessary evil. I reached my right paw carefully under the collar of my shirt and stroked a long line in a rough patch of fur. The line ran from the tip of my collar bone to my sternum, jagged and unbroken. I shuttered at the memory that came with that scar.
After my parents told me I shouldn't even exist I lost it. I went up to my room and punched out my window in frustration. All I wanted was for them to say, "Well son, you fucked up, but even if your gay we will always love you." In stead I got abused and screamed at. I grabbed a hunk of the broken glass from the shattered frame. The light glinted off the slight red tint from the blood of my fist. I didn't want to feel anymore. I just wanted to cut my heart out, and to just live without feeling, without having to live with the guilt and shame and torture of my emotions. I am still in love with Frank...and he hates me, and I can't have him because he doesn't love me.
Well...I tried to cut my heart out...but my sister rescued me from my self.
I chuckled out loud.
Twenty three stitches. Thats how many stitches it took to keep my chest from gushing out onto the floor. My parents were horrified... they wanted to put me in a institution for self help. My sister convinced them not to and for that I owe her more than I could ever imagine. Instead, I ended up with these pills. These shitty little green pills, that made me get my wish surprisingly. These anti-depressants let me feel a hell of a lot less emotions, but...I hate having to rely on them to keep it together.
I sat there turning the pills over and over between my paws staring at the wall with no expression. I stood up and walked over to the sink, Grabbed a sip of water, swallowed a pill and sat down on the bed. I put my head in my paws.
"I can't stand these fucking pills anymore. If I stop taking them, my anxiety goes through the roof and If I keep taking them, I feel like I need the pills to keep going. What the hell can I do?"
I sat in silence for a couple minutes.
It only took those few minutes for my head to start pounding like someone kicked me in the temples. My lack of eating and taking these pills on an empty stomach probably has something to do with the headache. I fell back on top of the bed.
"Maybe a quick nap with help get rid of the headache..."
It only takes mere minutes for a dark cloud to settle in my mind and my body to be overcome with a peaceful euphoric sensation. I started to think about where exactly I was in life at this moment. I'm lying on a hotel bed, eating anti-depressants with no home, friends or family.
"Damn. i need to do better."
I cracked a smile and slipped into a much needed sleep.
I didn't dream once I passed out, I was too tired for dreams.
Waking up I shifted my eyes and looked around the room. The quiet hum of the mini fridge was all that stood out in the plain white stucco hotel room. Light from the window blinds created small slats of white sunshine that lay across my eyes. I began to rock my head to the side a little, trying to escape the light, but it was too much. I pulled my eyes tightly shut with a groan of sensitivity. I rolled over onto my belly and began to regain control of my muscles again. I wiped the side of my mouth with my forearm, which had accumulated quite a bit of drool.
"I guess the jet lag took it out of me." I pushed myself into a sitting position against the wall. "I almost never sleep that well anymore."
I took a quick glance at the clock. "1:35pm"
"Damn, I was out for a long time. I need to get cleaned up and work on getting supplies."
I sat there for a few minutes, waiting for the strength to return to my limbs, before I could stand on my own again. I stood up and walked over to the shower, letting the cold water rush down my back and hair. I ran my fingers through my jet black hair. It had gotten a bit longer since the beginning of the school year. It was down to about my muzzle and the smooth waves in it gave it a rigid sheen. My hazel eyes still had a small glow in them, a small flicker of hope. They look so much like Jessie's. I turned away at the thought of her, bringing a bitter taste to my already dry mouth. I stepped back into the shower and began the slow process of waking up.
After unpacking everything into the small hotel room safely, I now only had a few orders of business left to attend to, before I was completely settled in. I need a lay out of the town first of all. I know I'm still to disorganized to go get a rental car yet, but there are always other ways. I was outside of the building, getting instantly hit with that famous dry Arizona air. I peered down the street to my left at the empty metal bus stop at the corner.
"The bus it is..." I mumbled out loud.
From the bus window, I could see just how much area there is around this town. The area surrounding the town is quite astonishingly flat, with shops scattered around, but it was mostly very open. As for the bus ride, it was quite, along with the cosmic drone of Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead, it was almost euphoric. I began to nod off into a day dream, dreaming about where I could go from here. And that is a very good question. Where can I go from here? How will I develop a brand new life by myself? And that statement hit me like sleep did this morning. Hard. It just now dawned on me that even if I was starting a new life, I don't want to be alone, I can't be alone. Not again.
My train of thought was abruptly interrupted by the slowing of the bus as it decelerated to its intended stop, the stop I asked for.
"Phoenix University.", Exclaimed the monotone voice of the automated announcement system. I scooped up my backpack and stepped off the bus into the shadow of a large arch.
Seeing the building brought a tiny sense of hope into me from deep down inside me. The campus was well off. The grass was neat and trimmed, the builds looked relatively new and the air was a lot fresher than in the city. I gazed around just taking in the view. The school was closed for summer break, so getting in was not an option, but I just had to see the school. This was going to be where I would begin my life agin.
I took a long stroll around the campus, just checking out the different buildings and their relative functions. The place was like a stereo typical ghost town in a cheesy horror movie. Not a sole around and the only noise that could be made out was the wind rustling some scattered leaves. I checked my phone, so far an hour has passed by. I reached into the pocket of my coat and pulled out a small plastic lighter and reached into my back pocket for my Marlboro Gold's. I flipped the lid; one left...fuck. I pulled out the cigarette and tossed the box into the trash can near by. I lit it and took a few drags, before walking back over to the bus terminal. When I approached the terminal I took a glance down the street from the terminal. I had to squint from the later afternoon sun, but I could make out what appeared to be a stop and go mart. I checked my phone again,
"I have some time before the bus gets here."
The mart was only about three blocks down the street, so by the time I arrived, I had finished my cig along the walk. The building was small, with large windows plastered with some soft drink advertisements and sale displays. A bell made a quiet chime as I entered the store causing the cashier to raise a thin eyebrow at me. I was sure that the mouse was checking me out more than he would a normal customer, I mean by the way I was dressed and how generally disheveled I looked, he had good reason to. I gave him a passing nod to satisfy his need to be addressed and made my way back to the store to grabbed a soda. The mouse went calmly back to the book he was reading.
I re-approached the mouse not two minutes later, in which he slightly rolled his eyes at me. I gave him a blank stare and put the soda on the check out counter.
"Can I get a pack of Marlboro Gold's?"
The mouse gave no expression and grabbed the pack from above the register. After giving him my ID, I walked out of the store just as a small group of furs walked in.
There were three of them in the group; all male, one a black cat, one a small orange fox and the other a huskier tiger. All three were engaged into a conversation in which the cat was imitating something. I shrugged and lit my second cigarette of the day. I leaned up against the side of the side window by the door, checking the time on my phone.
"Bus should be here in about twenty minutes."
I rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes, taking a deep drag. I held it in until my head became light and let it out slowly like a long sigh. This town is nice, but its nothing like home. The air, the people, the general atmosphere is all so much different, but I guess...that's what I wanted after all right? Change; a way to get out. The campus here is perfect, organized, equipped; Its all the things that I was looking for and most importantly-
"Hey guy you ok over there?"
I snapped back my focus and turned my head to the right, staring at that same small group with my large hazel eyes. I mutely looked at them.
The Black cat twitched his right ear in discomfort at the awkward silence. I just kept smoking in silence waiting for him to say something, still staring.
"Um...well you were just staring off at the wall across the street and you weren't blinking...and I was just wondering if you...if something..." The cat looked down, defeated by his own tongue.
I cracked a crooked smile with the cig still between my teeth.
"Nah I fine dude. I'm just thinking about things. A lot on my mind."
The cat and his two friends looked at me in a perplexed manner, probably not expecting me to return an answer to them. The cat spoke again.
"Sorry if that came off as rude. I speak my mind far too often for my own good." He walked over to me and stuck out a slender black paw.
"The names Chase."
Up close I finally got a good look at the slender black cat. He was wire thin and quite tall. His fur was short and his messy black hair blended into it to give his head a nice sheen. From what I could tell he was all black, no discoloring on his tail or on his collar, so under his grey T-shirt I would guess he was all black. He wore a simple pair of faded jeans and had his lower right lip pierced with a red ring. Tiny, but it stuck out on his all black body.
"CJ." I grasped the paw in a firm shake.
He gave me and immediate cheerful response.
" You look kind of bummed out. The three of us were going down to the local arcade to kill sometime. You want to join stranger?"
I could tell right away that this kid was different, not it a bad way but he was just...out there. I took a long drag on my cigarette, before turning to face the small group.
"Sure I can catch the bus later."
In all honesty I didn't know when the bus was arriving later, but what was I going to do, go back to the hotel room and sit alone and sleep? An arcade doesn't sound like a bad idea to me at all. The walk was short to get there but all ready i was getting a sense of how these kids got along. Craig turned out to be the name of the orange fox. His attitude seems to be laid back and easy going. Judging from the smell in his clothes, he defiantly is into smoking weed. No surprise his attitude is the way it is. The larger tiger didn't speak very much the whole walk. He seems like the big silent type although when they addressed him he spoke in very wordy responses. His voice was low, fitting his build but with a blatant British accent. When I asked him he said his name was Brian and as a suspected he moved here from England a few years ago. Before they managed to get around to asking me a huge amount of questions we arrived at a small run down arcade.
Shit-hole would be a nice term for this place, but the machines still worked by the looks of it and it didn't smell too moldy. Walking into the building I glanced around at the inside of the dump. Not much better looking then the outside, but even with faded white walls, the lighting was ok and the music not too bad either. Sweet Dreams, I like this song. I guess Chase saw the look on my face and read my mind.
" Its not the best looking place, but the games are all good. We tend to kill time here on rainy days when class isn't in session."
That perked my ears up on Que.
"So they go to the college then, I mean they have too, they look to old for High school. Well, maybe not Craig, he seems young still."
It felt dumb and redundant to ask but I did anyway out of sheer conformation.
"So you all go to the college here I take it then?"
Chase gave a happy nod as he inserted a coin into the House of the Dead 3 machine and picked up the plastic lime green shotgun.
"Me and Brian are sophomores here in college, Craig is our resident Freshman. He normally meets up with us after he's done the day at high school but now he's gonna be up here with us."
I just nodded back and inserted a coin into the second player slot and grabbed the gun. We had minor small talk while we played the game. Craig happens to like a few of the same TV shows I like and some bands, all three of them did really. Brain for as large as he was is apparently a pretty decent surfer, Chase is a snowboarder and Craig well...he prefers the video game type. I left out the part about me going to the college as well. Sure I would be in Craig's grade, but I just didn't feel like explaining myself to people I barley even know. I'm amazed I agreed to go to this place in the first place.
An hour and a couple dollars later and we left the place.I was about to go to the bus stop when Craig tapped me on the shoulder.
"Hey, where are you headed off too."
Craig's voice was light and still high for someone who should be 18, although he did look more like a sixteen year old than someone who is 18. His face fur was smooth and pressed down neatly. His orange fur became one with his same colored hair, which hung down into his eyes in wavy locks. He had a wavy dragon like earring made of some black gem in his left ear as well. His blue eyes were the only really contrast to his very average fox body. When his hair moved out of the way of their path...wow. His eyes almost had a sheen to them that made them glow this deep ocean blue. It was like looking into the heart of the Atlantic ocean in two delicately sloping orbs.
I cocked my head slightly in confusion and raised an eyebrow.
"Um...it was cool chilling with you guys but I need to get back to my room now." I said it almost flatly.
By now both Chase and Brian were walking over across the street towards a small parking lot which I guess they had parked their cars earlier, if they had cars. Craig checked over his shoulder before returning his attention to me, speaking in a hushed whisper.
" Hey dude check it, my parents are out of town at the moment so I have the house to my self. I don't live too far out of town and I'm having a little party tonight. You seem kind of...I don't know down? So like, why don't you stop by and chill with us later. Its just me, the guys, my roommate who is coming down from Oro Valley to chill and a group of college kids. You should meet him because you totally remind me of him."
I snickered at that statement. If this guy is anything like me, then we probably will not get along.
I thought about his offer, what else do I have to do? This is actually a perfect opportunity to meet some of the college kids around here. "Maybe I should tell them I'm going to their college...maybe later tonight."
"So do you wanna come and hang with a bunch of college kids tonight?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "Sure why not, where do you live? Oro Valley is south from here and you said he is coming down?" I felt proud that I had already memorized the local towns from that map i got at the airport.
He beamed a very dumb smile. "Yeah man cas I live in Tucson!"
"Tucson are you serious!? Thats a ways of a drive and I kind of don't have a..." I gave a pause of thought. "Wait. Why are you all the way up here in an arcade in Phoenix if college isn't in session?" He was quick to respond.
"Well, Brian lives over in Mesa so Chase drove us up here to get him. We just stopped at the arcade for shits and giggles." He seemed very proud at that last statement. His personality seemed to match his character perfectly.
"Ok, but where does Chase live?" He was ready for this question before I even said it.
"Chase lives down the street from me. We go way back. He introduced me to Brian, because he moved from Mesa to Tucson. My roommate I met through Skype. He was pretty chill."
I cracked a smile and folded my arms, very impressed with his forthcoming of answers.
"Ok, that's all my questions answered, I'm sold, I'll come to this party. Don't worry about the ride, I'll take the bus."
He had that same dumb smile on his face again that made me laugh to my self. It was the way his cheeks pushed his muzzle up that made his face get all smushed in a silly yet cute manner.
"Great I'll see you then! Here, take this ...its my address. Oh and, be ready to have some "fun"...if you get my drift." I took the slip of paper that he quickly jotted down his number on with poor handwriting. With that concluded, he ran off after his friends who were waiting at the entrance of the parking lot in a beat up green Jeep Wrangler. He hopped in the back and they drove past me, all of them giving me a short wave before they were gone.
Looking down at the small crumpled piece of napkin I read of the contents out loud.
"1384 Red View drive. Be there around 8." I put the napkin in my pocket and walked back to the bus stop to catch my ride home. I took a quick glance at my phone for the time.
"5:43, well at least i should have enough time to get home and change before I'm off to this party." I spoke out loud.
As I sat waiting for the bus I let my thoughts wander. It has been a very exciting day today; my first day in Arizona. Im meeting the student populace, might have made some friends, and I even got a layout of the land. I began to chuckle to myself as it dawned on me. I never went to get what I set out for in the first place; food and toiletries.
"Fuck it, I'll get to that eventually. I have a party to get ready for."