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Welcome to a surprise bonus round of The Many Perversions of Romari Susi! You're actually getting a whole short story for this one, so sit for a bit and enjoy the ride. [Yeah, that's what he said.]

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OF INSANITY AND INANITY

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Imperial Military Captain Taxas Vance stalked down the marble-tiled hallway, his heavy leather boots making surprisingly little noise as he neared his destination. His black-masked gray eyes were grim, and his body flowed through the building with the liquid grace of a hunting cat. Only his thick black-ringed tail twitched in agitation, betraying his worry over the coming trial.

The raccoon cut an imposing figure dressed immaculately in a finely-woven black silk vest worn open over a brilliantly white shirt, with black silken trousers and shiny black leather boots. His dress uniform was spotless and without a single wrinkle, fitting for the escort of the emperor himself. And yet, underneath the finery he wore a battle-scarred boiled leather breastplate replete with greaves and cuisses, and a pair of hard leather gauntlets strapped onto his hands and wrists which could be surprisingly deadly if he chose to use them in that manner. The array of well-worn weapons at his hip and the brightly-colored pips pinned to his vest testified that his military title most certainly was not just for show, assuming his bearing wasn't sufficient evidence already.

His gaze surveyed the crowd milling about the halls of the courthouse before returning to the forms of the two men he escorted: Emperor Romari Susi and his viceroy Neal Chauve-Souris-Susi. They were dressed surprisingly simply for being two of the richest and most powerful men in the world.

On Taxas's left, the imperial wolf's lean lithe form was hidden from view by his customary deep blue satin robes, his tail swaying side-to-side through the waist-high cleft in back (through which one could catch glances of his bare gray-furred rump if one looked rather closely, knavishly demonstrating His Eminence's disdain for wearing...well...anything, really). Romari stood just shy of six feet (six inches shorter than Taxas himself), and though the old wolf wasn't looking in his direction he knew the look on his graying muzzle would be that self-satisfied -- and more than mildly amused -- smirk he'd come to know and lo...know.

At the wolf's right, wearing rich-red satin robes of similar cut (albeit without the tail-cleft) swayed his secretary and husband, a flying fox of considerable mental acuity. Neal's leathery black wings blended in rather well beneath the flowing material, and his fluffy sorrel fur smoothed down under its weight. One could easily confuse him for a regular fox with oddly patterned fur if one forgot to check for a tail, though his green eyes were too large and his muzzle was perhaps a bit sharp to be vulpine, not that these observations lessened how handsome he was. He was shorter than his husband by an inch or so, and he seemed a bit unsteady on his feet, though given how upset he'd been all day that wasn't really too surprising.

Taxas had shared their bed for quite some time by now (in fact, the two-year anniversary of their first time 'together' would be just next month), and seeing both men walking before him still made him sweat. It didn't bother him that Neal was old enough to be his father, or that Romari was old enough to be his grandsire. In fact, the thought hardly ever crossed his mind these days. He found watching over them more than a little entertaining (especially when he played the fool to allow the emperor his little tricks), and His Prominence's youthful energy and humorous advances often made him seem spry and even younger than Taxas himself.

The raccoon shifted his hip, the clank of metal-on-metal giving him some comfort; the mood outside the courthouse was currently rather ugly due to the scandalous accusations arrayed against his charges, and having the means to protect them made him feel better. He would give his very best to protect them; he'd even refused to be stripped of his gear by the security guards at the door and risked jail-time for that very reason.

There was just no way that he'd trust the lives of his sovereign and viceroy to mere hired help.

But they finally let him through after taking inventory of his arsenal (likely to ensure that he wasn't wearing explosives strapped beneath his clothes or something, which would be...rather difficult to explain as any sort of protective measure), though they did finally hurry him through the process when His Excellency insisted -- in terrifyingly graphic detail -- that they all be given "the royal treatment," complete with strip- and cavity-searches, multiple times apiece. "Just to be sure."

Taxas shook the thought out of his head; even the emperor's standard outrageous behavior did nothing to make him smile in the face of what approached. Today it was just a distraction, and not a welcome one.

He jumped ahead of their party of three and opened a small but heavy-looking oaken door set in the wall to their right. "Let me get that for you Your Lordship, Secretary," he said politely without even a touch of obsequiousness. He knew that neither the wolf nor the bat cared for bootlicking, and he found it distasteful himself; it totally wasn't his style.

Beyond the door lurked a rather cramped pre-trial conference room, painted white and with oak-paneling, empty but for a desk, some chairs, a lamp, and their trial lawyer.

On his way past Secretary Neal reached out and embraced Taxas in an unexpected hug. "Thank you, Captain." The secretary had never done anything like that in public before, though this was the second time in ten minutes he'd hugged him; Neal had cornered him in the men's room where they had a small moment alone. He obviously felt stressed; maybe he needed someone close. Taxas could understand why he hadn't gone to his husband; the wolf was an amazing lover and cared deeply in his own special way, but he wasn't exactly one for offering comfort. And then the bat mumbled something that sounded like, "Though I must say that the purple chicken perched on your shoulder somewhat ruins the ambience. Do get rid of it, would you?"

He blinked, and refocused as the smaller man pushed away, stumbling unsteadily past. "Secretary, what--?"

But before he could say anything Romari swished toward him with an appreciative nod, and Taxas's eyes widened a bit from a sudden and unexpected squeeze on his nethers. "Your Eminence," he hissed worriedly. "What are you doing?"

The older wolf looked to either side suspiciously as his hand continued its grope, and that touch, combined with his naturally woodsy scent, ensured the raccoon couldn't help but respond. A family of ocelots out in the hallway watched them curiously, probably wondering why they stood wedged in the doorway, and he felt rather uncomfortable doing this kind of thing in full view of everyone. The thick folds of the wolf's robes kept his hand hidden from the felinious family, thank the gods, but still. And then Romari stretched his muzzle toward his tufted gray ear to whisper, "That's our secret handshake. It's so secret not even you knew about it. This way you'll know for sure that I haven't been abducted and replaced by alien clones." He paused a second, his fuzzy gray ear flicking jauntily. "Although I could still use a good anal probe or two, if we get a minute."

The captain just rolled his eyes and chivvied his liege into the cramped little office, following behind him rather more stiffly than before and closing the door behind them. Taxas scanned the room; all he saw were some chairs and Sir Hans Friedrich Ferdinand III standing next to a polished oak desk covered in paperwork and manila folders, watching the three of them expectantly.

The albino cervine looked very professional...for a given value of 'professional'. He wore a sensible ruffled black blouse with a matching skirt and a pair of less-than-sensible three-inch black heels. Each prong of his short, delicate, rose-colored antlers was banded with finely wrought woven-gold rings that matched the ring on the third finger on each hand and similar bands around his wrists. They complemented his pure white fur and the smooth red nail polish he wore rather well, the raccoon thought, not that he was any real judge.

The flowery perfume he wore was far too strong for the tiny office, however, and it covered up the heady scents of His Eminence and the imperial secretary, which Taxas didn't appreciate at all.

He had to admit, though, that the deer did look rather attractive, even if he normally didn't care for feminine charms (on women or otherwise). He wondered for a moment if the deer used some sort of corset to get that gracefully fluid hourglass figure, but quickly dismissed the thought; no sense in encouraging the man any more than necessary, even in his own head.

Hans looked at His Eminence first, his expression sourly mordant. "Hello, Romari." Then on to Neal, his eyes brightening. "Zecretary." Then his eyes flicked to Taxas, and his smile turned radiant and (somehow) calculating. "Hello, Captain Vanze. Do zay you've reconzidered my offer from our lazt meeting?"

"Um..." He stumbled for a second; for some reason that rapacious look Hans threw his way always gave him the wibbles. "Sorry, but no. I'm flattered by the effort you made on the solid-platinum sex toys you sent me, and I really appreciate the thought behind the thousand-dollar box of chocolate-dipped rose petals and all, but..." It took him a moment of floundering to continue. "I'm taken. Yeah, I... I have a boyfriend." After all, he technically hadn't broken up with Sully. Yet. It was on his to-do list.

"Huh." Emperor Romari snuffled, his eyebrow raised. "He's the one who likes horseplay during his rolls in the hay, right?"

Taxas turned so Hans couldn't see and glowered at the old wolf. He tried his best to convey the message through his eyes rather than his tone; it wouldn't do to growl at the ultimate ruler of the country he'd sworn to serve. "Something like that, Your Superlativeness." But given His Eminence's (extra) wide grin, either he didn't catch it (not likely), or he was ignoring it and planning something evil (almost assured).

The deer peered over at them. "And you know he carez for you, yez?"

His thoughts raced as he tried to figure out how to get out of this without explaining just what Sully had done, and how much it hurt.

But then Romari's maw opened to unleash yet more carefully crafted chaos onto the world. "I can't think of a better way he could've expressed his feelings than that wedding invitation he sent. Quite poetic, really."

Neal looked up from the corner where he was examining the lamp rather closely, and his eyes had a strange glazed look about them. "Poetry? Like limericks? I know a couple of those. They're about penises. Do you want to hear them?"

The whole room went still for a moment, as everyone was at a bit of a loss for words -- even Romari. Finally, Taxas cleared his throat. "Thank you, Secretary, but...no."

"Okay. Just tell me when, and I'll recite them." And the fruit bat went back to scrutinizing the lamp. Presumably for dust, with the obsessive way he rubbed at it.

Hans cocked his head in curiosity as he regarded the captain. But strangely, there was no disappointment evident in his gaze. "Zo zhere iz marriage in your future?"

The raccoon chewed his lip. It wasn't exactly a lie; he did receive that wedding invitation in the mail, though Sullivan inviting Taxas to his wedding before he'd even broken up with him was...frustrating. Not to mention confusing. Why would the dog do something like that?

Taxas pushed those thoughts away and focused on the now; he had always done his best to stay honest and forthright, but it's not like the misunderstanding was his fault, right? And besides, he'd said 'no' several times to Hans in very definite terms, but the tufted deer just hadn't gotten the not-so-subtle hint. Maybe this would stop him from making more unwanted and expensive (and very embarrassing) romantic overtures. It was for the best, really.

...he hoped.

He turned to face Hans directly, looked him right in the eye, and said, "Yes." And then he just felt dirty. And not in a good way.

"Congratulationz." The cervine didn't look at all disappointed; he still had that predatory grin plastered on his fang-filled muzzle. He looked like a starving man, and stared at Taxas as if he was a cut of perfectly prepared filet mignon. Or, if His Eminence was correct, like he was a perfectly primed jugular.

The captain nodded warily. "Err...thanks." He would've bet anything that the idea of the raccoon's impending marriage hadn't made the slightest difference in the deer's mind. Great.

Romari leaned in and Taxas heard him stage whisper, "See, I told you to bring the water pistol filled with holy water instead of that.22 caliber, but nooooo. You just had to ignore my warnings. What could normal bullets possibly do against the undead spawn of the devil himself?"

Hans hurled a frigid glare at His Imperial Majesty that should've nailed him to the wall, but the wolf just flicked his tail and sat gracefully on one of the uncomfortable-looking wooden chairs that lined the wall.

Taxas looked from the emperor to the lawyer, whose ears had turned an alarming shade of red. "Uh, Your Excellency, I don't think it's a good idea to upset your legal counsel on the morning of the trial that determines whether or not you spend the rest of your life in prison."

Romari waved it off. "He's a big girl; he can deal. And anyway, he has a reputation to maintain if he wants to stave off all the torch-and-pitchfork-wielding villagers. It's not like he can throw the case if he wants to keep from getting staked."

Hans's expression relaxed into something considerably calmer -- and somehow more disturbing. "Oh, I do vish to keep my reputation, but zhat doez not mean I muzt take zhiz lying down. Ve renegotiated our contract zhiz morning, no? Zection four-forty-five-alpha, zub-zection tvelve, paragraph zix: every time you inzult me my aggregate fee increazez by von-zhouzand dollarz."

The emperor's fuzzy gray ears perked in alarm. "What? I didn't see that in the contract!"

The lawyer's fang-filled grin certainly wasn't the comforting kind. "It vaz in zhe fine print, vhich I noticed you tend to zkim."

Taxas expected Neal to explode at that, but the imperial secretary had progressed from messing around with the lamp to crawling around on his hands and knees, scrutinizing the carpet for...something. He didn't seem to be paying attention to them at all.

"Neal? Sir?"

The bat's oversized ear flicked in his direction, though he didn't turn away from his examination of the floor. "I've just discovered that the world is made of six elementary flavors of unripened cheese, and I have a theory that there are also six anti-cheeses to balance them! It's really quite fascinating!"

"Err... What? Neal, are you okay?"

The bat merely moved to another section of floor and ignored him.

Meanwhile, Hans's expression had turned smug. "I believe zhat, between zhiz morning and now, you owe juzt over a quarter-million dollarz. Feel free to continue zpewing your nonzenze, Romari. You make me richer vith every ozher vord out of your mouth."

His Eminence cleared his throat, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "Ah, yes, well, as fun as this is, I, erm, I believe we have business to attend to. Taxas, be a dear and pick Neal up off the floor. Playtime's over."

Sir Ferdinand threw the wolf a flat look and opened his muzzle just an instant before Romari cut him off. "That's d-e- A -r, not d-e- E -r. You're not getting that one no matter what you say."

The bat didn't resist when the raccoon collected him from the ground. Instead he latched on tightly and refused to let go, to the point where Taxas had to either peel him off like a banana skin, potentially hurting him in the process, or sit with him in his lap. He chose the latter. The raccoon couldn't really gainsay it given how bloody uncomfortable the chairs were, and it was nice having Neal's warm body right there.

Taxas found himself worrying about his superior and friend. Neal's behavior was turning bizarrely erratic and nothing he said made any sense, which was normally Romari's job. Maybe the stress of the impending trial had gotten to him. Was he sick? His body was awfully warm, like he was running a fever. He didn't seem to feel bad, though. No coughs or nausea or anything. Honestly the raccoon had no idea what to do, so he decided to wait and see what happened, though it didn't assuage his worry at all.

The imperial secretary snuggled up close and Hans threw him a dirty look, which certainly didn't help settle Taxas's nerves.

"Vell, now zhat zome of us are behaving ourzelvez..." The lawyer drifted smoothly over to the desk and gathered up some of the papers arranged on it. "Az I had zhought, Judge Reddingz iz indeed preziding over zhiz caze, and zhat iz definitely not a good zhing for you. She ztill haz a chip on her zhoulder from vhen you ztarted zhat veek-long orgy on zhe public beach in front of zhe godz and everyvon."

Romari smirked. "Hey, it was a nude beach! Is it my fault that sex in public is only illegal because of indecent exposure laws?"

The cervine threw his delicately manicured hands into the air, nearly scattering his papers everywhere. "Yez, becauze you altered zhem before you left! Zhe fact zhat she had to review a whole veek of video evidenze, vhich you taped yourzelf, and yet you ztill got avay vith it, haz her zomevhat...peeved."

The old wolf grumbled disconsolately. "If I knew I wouldn't get them back I never would've told the prosecuting attorney about them."

"And zhat'z anozher zhing: You Do Not Offer Evidenze To Zhe Prozecution! Ezpecially zo you can taunt zhe judge!"

"But the prosecutor was hot and I kept getting vibes! I hoped watching them would give him some ideas. Unfortunately it didn't work."

"Gee, I vonder vhy."

"Me too. And besides, I knew they wouldn't dare convict me, so why not?"

And that made Hans's angry face glow almost as bright-red as Neal's did that time when most of the wait-staff came down with the flu, His Excellency convinced men from the harems to take their places serving at the Imperial Grand Gala, and he 'forgot' to give them uniforms. Suits and ties did not count as appropriate party attire when they were birthday suits and beau ties, no matter what the old wolf said.

Taxas decided to stick his nose in before the argument could escalate further; he got the distinct feeling that quarrels between His Eminence and Sir Ferdinand could go on for hours, and this wasn't the best time for squabbling. "Err, excuse me, Your Magnificence, Sir Ferdinand, but we've only got about twenty minutes before the trial starts. I'm pretty sure arguing isn't going to make anything better for anyone."

Romari rolled his eyes. "I guess everyone's out to be a complete killjoy today. You just had to go and ruin my fun, and the best way to ruin your fun ruining my fun is to have fun ruining your fun by not having fun for you to ruin." He nodded resolutely, as if that made some sort of actual sense. The sad thing was, it probably did. "So there."

The deer looked from the wolf to the raccoon and fruit bat, the puzzlement plain on his face. "Vhy haz he not driven you both inzane?"

Taxas looked down at the viceroy he held in his lap, who for some unfathomable reason was currently sucking his thumb and making small animalistic noises. He wasn't even asleep! The raccoon looked back up to Sir Ferdinand. "I'm starting to think that might be the wrong way to ask that question, sir."

The deer considered Neal for a moment, his graceful white eyebrow arcing above one penetrating red eye. "Zo I zee."

His Eminence peered at his mate with curiosity and (to Taxas's surprise) genuine gentle concern. "Taxas, did you give him those sedatives you had?"

The captain shook his head. "Nossir." He reached into the pocket where he'd stored them earlier and plumbed its depths for them. "There's no telling what they would do to him. I have them right... Uh..." They weren't there.

"Let me guess... He gave you a hug in the men's room when you were both in there, right?"

Taxas blinked. "How did you know that?"

The emperor reached his hand into one of the deep pockets of Neal's robe, and then the other, finally fishing out a familiar-looking bottle of pills. "Tada." He then stuffed the bottle back into the raccoon's pocket. "He's a tricky bugger, though he must have been feeling really terrible if he resorted to stealing." He stroked his mate's head-fur affectionately. "Don't worry, Love. I won't let them hurt you."

Hans squinted at the wolf as if he'd never seen him before. "You really, actually care about him. I never zhought I vould zee it."

Romari's ruff and tail fluffed up. "He is my husband, you know. It was hardly a marriage of convenience. Go talk to his mother if you don't believe me." He shuddered. "Or better yet, don't. She might follow you back here like a hyena tracking a wounded wildebeest, and then who knows what will happen? She reminds me a bit of you, really. You both do your damnedest to suck the life out of every living thing you come across."

"Vell, zhere'z anozher zhouzand."

"...Dammit."

The bat pulled his thumb out with an audible pop and looked up at the emperor, his irises dilated out to where they were hardly visible at all. "I thought I sent that lavender rooster to go retrieve the secret of the Cheese of Strangeness. Why is he in your muzzle?"

Romari pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Taxas, do I happen to have a cock in my mouth that I somehow forgot about?"

"Not that I see, Your Prominence."

"Ah. He's hallucinating, then. I was a bit worried there for a minute. I can't imagine that I'd just forget about something like that. Could you picture asphyxiating on a cock out of nowhere and not even realizing? All those feathers..."

Hans cleared his throat. "Choking on a chicken or not, zhere iz a trial about to ztart. Or did you forget?"

His Supremacy shrugged. "It's not that big a deal. We'll hang around here for a day or two, convince them they're wrong after they have their fun, and then be on our way."

The lawyer fished some newspaper clippings out of his stack of paperwork and handed them over. "Do not be zo extempore. Zhiz iz zeriouz! Juzt look at zheze!"

Taxas looked down into the lap of the wolf sitting next to him and read, 'Board Of Statutes Calls For Immediate Prosecution!' 'Public Outrage At Sex Slavery Cartel!' and several other alarming headlines, each one worse than the last. The crowds of protesters in the pictures did indeed look outraged.

The photographs looked remarkably similar to the protesting hordes outside the courthouse and the palace, though apparently protests had sprung up all around the country according to the news reports. The protesters in the pictures were all shabbily dressed, and they held signs with dramatic and damning idioms written on them, many of which were badly misspelled even to Taxas's less-than-discerning eye.

Romari scanned the various bits of paper and he snatched up one particular clipping with the headline, 'Judge Angered By Upcoming Case,' his eyes flicking back and forth across the print. "Well, this is interesting. It says Judge Reddings has looked over the documentation and is tired of the law turning a blind eye to my chicanery, as she no longer finds it 'silly and endearing'. She thought I was endearing! I'm honored." The wolf's ears flicked from amusement to annoyance. "But who the hell says 'chicanery' anymore, anyway? Next thing you know they'll be bringing disco back! Bleh."

Hans's voice turned even flatter than it was. "You are being charged vith capital crimez, Romari. Zhiz iz not zomezhing to joke over!"

"Nonsense! The whole thing is a joke."

Taxas had to agree, though there was no way he could find His Eminence's good-natured calm about it. If anything, the emperor's sense-defying optimism just made him feel worse. He considered just how bad of a situation they were in. If even the judge thought they were guilty pre-trial, they could hardly hope for a fair hearing. His gut churned with nausea at the thought.

He idly stroked the head-fur of the man in his lap to comfort him -- and himself. There had to be some way to balance the situation. What would Neal say about all of this? The bat obviously wasn't about to add his usual dose of sanity to the conversation (given that he was currently licking the pips on Taxas's captain's vest and giggling), but the raccoon thought he knew him well enough to have some idea what he would say, so he made his best guess. "It's not like breeding livestock is abusive, and it wasn't even illegal when it happened! If anything, the whole animal rape thing should be on Sullivan's head, not ours. Everything's getting all skewed up and blown out of proportion! This isn't fair at all."

Hans appraised him levelly, and the glint in his eye was not one of optimism. "It doez not matter if ve find it fair. Zhat iz up to zhe judge to decide." He snatched the clipping from the wolf's hand and held it up. "And she obviouzly doez not agree vith uz."

"Can't we call a mistrial for an obviously biased judge?"

"Romari haz pizzed off everyvon on zhe Board of Ztatutez at von time or anozher. Zhere are no unbiazed judgez left!"

The raccoon growled in frustration, and his hackles rose. "You're supposed to be the best attorney in the empire! If you can't do that, what can you do?"

That was when he felt Romari's soft warm fingers cupping around his hand and gently loosening his fist. "Calm down, Taxas. It's not as bad as you think. Trust me."

And he found that he actually did manage to relax a little, as some of his tension drained away with that small touch. It surprised Taxas as much as anyone.

Hans cleared his throat. "Yez, vell. I have zome ideaz, zhough zhey are qvite...expenzive."

The emperor grunted, annoyance clear in his voice. "I'm not bribing anyone, Hans. You might have to pay people to service you, but I'm used to having things be a bit more complimentary."

"Zhat'z not vhat you zaid lazt time."

"I blame Neal for that one. I didn't want anything to do with it, but he was worried for some reason. It wasn't like things didn't turn out just fine anyway, just like I said they would."

The tension in the raccoon's body returned with interest. "But Your Dominance, this is important! We have to do everything we can to fight back against this injustice. It's not right!"

Hans cocked an eyebrow. "Zomevhat like zhe banning of ztraight marriage, yez?"

Taxas fidgeted a bit. "Well, that wasn't right either, but it's not any more wrong than the way things were before. He just changed who was being discriminated against, that's all. It might even be a good thing, if some people learn what it's like to deal with prejudice for something they can't change."

Romari looked intrigued by the notion. "You know, I hadn't considered that." He brightened. "I'm glad I thought of it! I think I deserve a reward after all of this is over for my selfless deed of activism. After Neal is feeling better, what about a vacation for the three of us and the men in the hisms? I wonder how many of them have made love while barreling along at a hundred miles an hour on a roller coaster. I have to say it's rather exhilarating, especially the loops."

Sir Ferdinand's left eye twitched. "You have been lucky to have avoided prizon in your previouz trialz, but zhiz iz zomezhing elze entirely. If you do not do az I zay and take zhiz zeriouzly, zhe only vacation you are taking vill be to a penal colony."

His Venerability sniggered. "Penal colony. Ha!"

Hans sighed. "At leazt I am paid eizher vay. If zhiz iz zhe vay it vill be, zhen zo be it."

He then instructed them on how to act during the proceedings, and apparently it was Taxas's job to sit there and look 'lovable,' which he interpreted as meaning he should just keep his trap shut unless instructed otherwise. The deer told His Excellency no less than six times to avoid saying anything insulting or laden with innuendo, as Judge Reddings was a rather prickly prude (or 'prudish prick,' according to His Eminence, to which Sir Hans replied by snapping his pencil in his clenched fist). Reminding her of their last altercation and the dozens of hours of evidence she'd watched certainly wouldn't do them any favors. Even with that, nobody in the room (other than Neal, who seemed rather preoccupied with checking his robes for peacock infestations) expected Romari to last more than a couple of minutes.

And Neal...

Well, given that the bat was obviously higher than a meteor on methamphetamines, nobody really expected much out of him. He seemed to be mostly quiet so far; the best they could hope for was that the trial lasted for a few days and he wouldn't be pulled up to testify until the chemicals had filtered out of his system.

So long as the wolf refrained from molesting the bailiff, and the bat forwent climbing up into the chandeliers in a search for the Long-Lost Ricotta of Truth or something, Hans thought they might have a chance.

Maybe.

If they were exceedingly lucky.

Which basically meant they were pretty well fucked.

Only one thing kept Taxas from personally abducting the emperor and his consort and immediately fleeing the country: Romari's utter nonchalance about the whole ordeal.

"Stop being such a downer, Hans," the old wolf said. "You'd give yourself a heart condition if it wasn't already a shriveled black lump of festering malevolence."

"And zhat iz--"

"--another thousand dollars. Yes, I know. But you know what they say; the truth shall set you free...or possibly set you on fire in front of an angry mob, which would set me free."

The deer paused and turned to Taxas. "Captain Vanze, are zhere many tranquilizerz left? Zearching for zhe zecretz of cheeze and tazting colorz zeem like good alternativez to my immediate future."

The 'coon cleared his throat and did his best to remain passive under Hans's scrutiny. "Sorry, sir. You'll have to wait until you've performed your duties for His Imperial Highness before you're allowed to go insane. That's what the rest of us do."

And then Neal, still sitting in Taxas's lap and clinging to him with a thumb in his muzzle, pulled it out, looked up at him and said, entirely earnestly, "Yellow tastes like porcupines. It's quite sharp."

He sighed. "Well, most of us. But at least the imperial secretary has earned his turn." He tilted his muzzle back up to Hans. "Is there anything else we need to know?"

The tufted deer just shook his head, his antler-rings tinkling gently. He looked ready to give up before they'd even begun.

Taxas just had to trust that they could muddle through; maybe Hans would pull off something brilliant. He stood, setting Neal carefully down to stand on the carpeted floor. "Then let's go. By your leave, Your Pukkaship."

Romari tilted his head in confustication. "My whatship?"

"It means 'genuine and first class,' sir. I've been working on my vocabulary."

"Good man. Let's go then."

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