FSE

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In the voice of Jerry Seder

Everyone needs a refuge -- a place where they can go when they're feeling low, where they can unwind and relax. Some animals go to the bar or a coffee shop. Some go to the park. The library. The movie theater. My sandwich shop.

My refuge is the local laundromat.

It's a little place hidden in plain sight along the main avenue in town. It's a little small and a little worn down, so most animals eschew it in favor of the bigger, fancier, newer one in the grocery store strip mall practically across the street from it. I prefer mine because it's quiet and comfortable. The entire front of the building is glass, and the building faces west. I go in around the same time every Sunday evening, just as the sun's setting, partly to avoid what little traffic the place tends to get and partly to watch as the town's skyline gets bathed in a warm, orange glow. I crack open a magical roll of quarters, and in a matter of minutes, the place has come back to life. It's a wonderfully meditative experience. Sat in a chair in a little nook, listening to the constant chug, chug, chug of a washing machine that's older than I am, nose filled with the decidedly rejuvenating scent of Mountain Breeze laundry detergent. The rest of the world slips away. It's just me, a Young Adult adventure novel, and a cup of coffee from the place down the street.

Life doesn't get much better.

For an hour or two, I can just... run away from it all. I don't need to worry about frustrating customers, frustrating co-workers, or my own stupid frustrating self. I'm in no danger of barking at anyone or biting anyone or eating my boyfriend's new acquaintance alive.

Then I find a stubborn spaghetti stain staring up accusingly at me from my house dress, and suddenly the whole place feels a bit less magical.

"What a lovely dress. But I think it looks better crumpled up on my bedroom floor." A paw grabbed my butt possessively, and I jumped.

"Keith?" I hadn't even heard the door open. "What are you doing here?"

"It's five fifteen on a Sunday evening, which means that I can find you sorting your laundry," he explained. "It's in the almanac and everything."

Okay, he made me smile. "So what's up?"

"Well, Timothy tells me that he had a wonderful evening," he said, picking idly through a pile of boxers. "I decided to pop by and see how you felt about it."

"Yeah, he was a lot of fun," I said guardedly. "Did he tell you what happened?"

"Something about sharing a seat with you at the restaurant," he said, picking up a pair of underwear and sniffing at it. "Look at all of these semen stains; how many times a day do you masturbate, anyway?"

"About... two or three times, I guess."

"You're prolific," he said, shaking his head in disbelief. "We should donate these to a sperm bank."

I shouldn't have encouraged him. "So did he tell you I sat on him then?"

He gave me a coy grin. "Oh yes. It seemed to have left quite an impression on him. He's a filthy, filthy bastard, that one. I'm sure he'll fit right in if we ever want to try for a three-way. Anything like that appeal to you?"

"It might take some getting used to," I admitted. "I've gotten pretty used to thinking of things in terms of one-on-one, but... y'know, I'm game."

"That's my girl," he said proudly. "So the two of you hit it off, just as I had hoped. For the next phase of the operation, I'm taking him in to the vet to make sure he's clean and he's up to date on his shots. And then he'll be moving in with me."

I blinked. "What, already?"

"Do you know where he lives right now?" Keith asked with a frown. "He's been living for eight months in a little hole in the wall in a department store, scavenging for scraps. That's no life for an animal."

Ouch. "Sorry, I had no idea."

"So I agreed to adopt him as a pet." He gave his tail a playful swish. "With benefits. I'm getting the paperwork done first thing tomorrow."

I nodded. "Sounds like a plan."

"Of course, you're welcome to come over and borrow him anytime you'd like," he added briskly. "And we'll still have our alone time. Everything will work out fine."

I nodded again, starting to lose interest and wondering when he was going to be on his way so that I could finish my laundry here.

"So," he said thoughtfully. "How about you?"

"Hmmm? How about me what?"

"I know, I know," he sighed. "Wolves are monogamous and faithful and steadfast and all of that, but... How about you? We have an open relationship, and I want you to know that I'm downright excited to see it going both ways."

I shrugged. "Okay."

"But we made an agreement," he reminded me. There was a tiny fire building in his eyes, and his voice started taking on a low, level tone. "We agreed to be open and honest with each other about our extracurricular sexual activities. To tell each other about encounters before they happen if possible. To keep things straight to limit our chances of exposure to sexually transmitted disease and for the simple fact that we're two adults in a committed relationship who shouldn't be keeping these sorts of secrets. I need you to understand that you can and should talk to me about anything."

I blinked, starting to feel rather trapped and helpless. Clearly he was getting mad about something, but I didn't have the slightest clue where it was coming from. "Did I do something wrong?" I asked cautiously.

He gave me a disappointed sort of look and deftly drew a gray hooded sweatshirt out of my laundry pile. He plucked a single hair from it and held it up for me to see. "Brown fur," he explained. "Wolf fur, to be exact. You're a gray wolf with mottled white." He turned it around to show me the large pocket in the front and pointed out a smallish discolored spot on the front of it. "Wolf semen." He took a deep sniff of it, then drew a pair of red boxers from my pile and took a deep sniff from them. "Again, not yours." He held up the two articles so that I could smell them for myself. Much to my disbelief, he was right. There was a completely different musk on my coat. Vaguely familiar, but hard to place...

He hopped up on the folding table where I'd been getting my clothes sorted, crossed his legs, and gave me a charming smile. "So!" he said brightly. "Tell me all about him."

"I... I don't know," I said, distressed. How in the hell had I gotten some stranger's semen on my coat? "I don't remember any of this."

"Hmmmm," Keith said, sounding rather disappointed. "Couldn't have been too sexy then."

"Please, I'm sorry, I know what it looks like, but I --"

Click.

"Oh my god." I started feeling cold all over. "Oh my god, I never told you. I'm so sorry. Oh my god!"

Keith rolled his eyes and waved his paw dismissively. "Yes, yes, you're ashamed and petulent, I get it. Now spill."

I started choking up. How could I tell him?! It was so... crazy!

Finally, he lost his patience. "Fine, we'll do this the hard way." He reached down his shirt and pulled out a small medallion, a gemstone shaped like a pointed teardrop that hung around his neck from a chord. He'd had it concealed the whole time.

"Oh no," I moaned.

"Come on now," he said, dangling it in front of my nose and swinging it back and forth. "You are hereby under my power and compelled by my will to tell me what's up. So let's have it already."

"I met a wolf on Wednesday," I admitted. Grudgingly. "When I was out howling."

"Oooo, and what's his name?"

"I don't know," I said, ashamed. "He was a wild wolf."

Keith's face fell, and he stopped swinging his amulet. "Oh I see. So what happened?"

"He... he heard me howling. I was probably intruding in his territory, and he came to see what was up. He came at me aggressively, so I did my best to submit to him. And then... Well, he climbed on top of me."

"And did he fuck you?" Keith never was the kind to mince words.

"No, no, nothing like that," I told him. "We... kissed for a while. He dry-humped me. And then he was just... gone. My clothes never even came off."

"He didn't hurt you, did he?" Keith asked, giving me an intense sideways look.

"No," I shrugged. "That was really all there was to it."

"Well, your story corroborates with your laundry. The stain is in about the place where his dick would have dripped while he was humping you." He put a paw to his chin, looking graver than I could ever remember seeing him. "I'm going to tell you something, Jerry, just in case you didn't know. Receiving unprotected anal sex from wild animals is the surest way in the world to catch some sort of terrible disease. I just want you to remember that."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. I'm not mad at you, I'm concerned for your health and safety. This wouldn't have hurt me anywhere near as much as it could have hurt you." He started kicking his legs off the edge of the folding table, staring up at the ceiling. "I know I must have been a terrible influence on you, encouraging you to engage in all sorts of behavior in my bedroom that must have seemed to you reckless and exotic, but I want you to understand that there are risks and limitations here. Because I love you, and I don't want to see you hurt. And that's why I really, really need you to talk to me about these kinds of things. Are we square on that?"

"Yes."

"All right then!" He suddenly sat up brightly. "So, was he sexy?"

Hmmm? "Yeah, I guess so."

Keith whisked his tail. "So when are you going to go back and see him?"

I was starting to get that weird feeling again that I sometimes got around Keith. Like I was reading a book where the pages kept getting stuck together. "Didn't you... didn't you just say that I shouldn't be... looking for sex from wild animals?"

"No," he pointed out. "I implied that I didn't approve of you running off and having unprotected sex with wild animals. The conclusion I wanted you to draw is that I expect you to take precautions the next time you go running around offering your ass to wild beasties."

"Precautions?!"

He nodded. "Safe sex."

I narrowed my eyes. "Are you saying that I should stop a wild wolf and get him to put on a condom?"

"No, of course not. I'm saying that you should start wearing a diaphram."

"A what?"

"It fits snugly in your butthole," he explained. "Keeps your colon from sucking up ejaculate, and it keeps your partner from getting poop all over his dick. Dulls the sensations just a bit, and it gets very interesting if you have any gas while you're wearing it, but otherwise, it's a pretty nice casual sex utility for everyone involved."

I gave him a sideways look. "Wait. Are you saying that I should go out into the woods and lend my ass to wild animals?"

"No." He reached out and took my paw between his own, giving me a warm smile. "I'm saying that, if your wildest dream is to go out into the woods and lend your ass to wild animals, then I'm here to support you. If that's what you want, then I will help you to get it."

It was such a touching gesture that I couldn't help smiling. I was about to tell him that I appreciated the gesture, but it wouldn't be necessary, but then...

Then I thought about that moment. When he was on top of me, and I was ready to offer myself to him. The weight of his body. The curve of his teeth. Maybe... Maybe there was a part of me that craved something like that.

I stroked my chin. "So you could set me up for that?"

"Gladly," he nodded. "I'll set up an appointment to take you in with Tim when he gets his shots. We'll run a checkup on you, update your immunizations, and get you fitted for a butt rubber. Then the only thing you'll have to worry about is getting yourself prettied up for your big night."

"That won't set you back too much, will it?" I asked.

"It's an investment," he assured me. "I want to keep you around and healthy for a long, long time." He reached up and fuzzled up my head. "Yer mah bitch. I'll take good care of you."

I blushed up, grinning from ear to ear. "You're too nice to me," I said softly.

"Acknowledged." He hopped lightly down from the folding table in a businesslike fashion. "Well, I'm glad we had this chat, it's been a pleasure as always. I'll keep you posted about your appointment; I'll try to make it for off hours, but I'll give you sufficient advance notice if you'll need to get out of work. Take care now." With that, he rolled up the pair of red boxers he'd used for his scent demonstration and stuffed them in his pocket.

"Hey! What are you doing with those?"

He padded off, wagging his tail smuggly. "You can have these back when you can peel them off my ass," he announced. "Take care, hon." And then he was gone.

---

The checkup went smoothly. Keith was up front about everything -- introduced us to the doctor as his sexual partners right away, and explained that he'd brought us there to assess and reduce our collective risk for STDs. I was actually a little relieved; it meant I could go through the whole process without any uncomfortable questions hanging in the air. The doctor and his aides never made me feel uncomfortable about anything, and getting my rectum measured for a diaphragm was about as comfortable and dignified as it possibly could be. There were two shots for each of us -- even Keith had his immunizations updated "just in case" -- and then we had a week to wait for our test results.

I went back alone to get my diaphragm, and the doctor gave me a no-nonsense discussion about it -- proper use, proper fitting, proper lubrication, proper cleaning, what it did and didn't protect against -- and then I was off. Keith was nice enough to help me break it in, much to our mutual satisfaction. Ended up breaking it in a couple times, as a matter of fact. It did dull the feeling just a little bit, but on the plus side, it helped with some of the irritation that I usually felt. Keith tends to be a little... vigorous.

We relaxed on the couch afterwards. My legs hung over the edge, and he curled up on my belly with his big bushy tail hugged up against his chest. Naked and satiated. One of the nicest feelings in the world.

"So," he murmured serenely, "You're really going to go through with it."

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I am." A thought suddenly occurred to me. "Did you want to meet him too?"

"Not particularly," he said carelessly. "This is your thing. But I'd be happy to come along if you need moral support."

"Really?" That was a little surprising, after how concerned he was about how Timothy and I would get along.

"You can have a side project if you'd like one," he assured me, stroking my chest. "I don't need to be in every part of your life."

Huh. "I'll probably be going out Saturday night then," I told him. "Then if anything happens, I won't miss a day of work."

"You're not going to wait for the next full moon?"

"I can't. I want to get out while the weather's still nice. It's getting pretty late in the autumn."

"Well, good luck," he said, and gave me a kiss on the nose. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

I nodded. "I won't."

"For reference, getting mauled is something I wouldn't do," he pointed out.

---

So on Saturday night, I found myself parked in the same spot that I had been. I decided to come alone in the end. There was just a bit of a chill in the air -- the cheerful warmth of the summer was subsiding into a quiet, more subdued temperature, just enough to be bearable. I got out, stripped down, and piled everything on my driver's seat -- especially my collar and license. Locked the doors, buried the keys, and pissed on the spot so I could find it again. Got my diaphragm fitted in correctly.

And then I set out into the twilight, barepawed, until I lost sight of my car. And I stood and howled. A lonely voice in the night -- here I am.

It was a few minutes before I heard the sound, light, careful footsteps in the woods. I pricked my ears every which way, tuning in on them. And then I saw him approaching. He was the same one. Proud. Strong. Verile. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him.

"So. You came back."

I jumped, startled. "You can talk!"

He nodded. "So I can."

I blinked at him. "But... I thought you were a feral wolf."

He grinned, fangs gleaming. "So I am."

Suddenly I felt myself going cold. "You were born domesticated and you turned feral."

He stalked toward me. "So I did."

I backed off several paces, starting to realize what a terrible, terrible idea this had been. What kinds of animals willingly turned feral? The kind who couldn't function in normal society. Criminals. Maniacs. The insane. Oh god, oh god...

"What's wrong?"

I hesitated. Don't show him you're afraid. "I've had bad experiences with wolves," I explained guardedly.

"You're a wolf," he reminded me.

He probably wanted to reassure me. It didn't exactly work. "I've had bad experiences with myself, too," I said bitterly.

"It's a terrible feeling, isn't it?"

I hesitated. "What is?"

"When you don't like what you are."

I took a second to consider that. "Do you know something about that?"

He nodded. "I know enough."

I hesitated. His behavior was disarming. I didn't read a threat from him, but...

"You came here to find me," he reminded me. "You weren't scared before I said anything. Why are you scared now?"

I thought about it. "I don't know."

He nodded and sat down, legs folded on the ground. "If you can remember why you came, come on over here and have a seat. If you can't, feel free to head on home. I won't push you either way."

I took a long moment to size him up. He just stared back at me, ears relaxed, enigmatic expression in his eyes. At last, I padded over to where he sat and took a seat next to him.

"My name's Nash," he offered.

"Jerry."

"So, Jerry. What brings you back here tonight?"

I looked away, embarassed. "I thought I knew. Now I'm not so sure."

"Wasn't to talk, I'm guessing."

I shook my head. "No, I..." It seemed so stupid now. "... I... guess I was hoping that you would mount me again."

He nodded. "I thought that might be it," he said, rather matter-of-factly.

He didn't seem put off by the proposition, so I continued. "You came on pretty strong at first, and then you just... left. What was that all about?"

"I could tell that I'd caught you in a moment of weakness," he grinned. "Thought you were just some punk pup out howling at first, and I wanted to scare you off. When I figured out I was turning your head, I thought I'd do something to let you know I was interested, then let you go so you could clear your head and decide if you wanted to come back."

My ears perked. "Well that's nice of you."

"I pride myself on being a gentleman," he grinned.

I swung my tail back and forth, disturbing the fallen leaves with a loud whoosh whoosh whoosh. "So... I'm back. What now?"

He didn't answer. He just leaned forward onto all fours and crawled toward me. I layed back, and he was upon me. It felt nice in the cold and the dark. He asked me questions without saying a word. He spoke in licks and kisses and growls and bites. I was his lover and his prey. He consumed me as we mated.

He felt... different than Keith. I guess I expected that, but it was a whole world of difference riding a wolf's dick, getting my ass knotted, pinned down by his massive body, his wet panting in my face. Where Keith was vigorous and playful, he was relentless and focused, slowing down as he proceeded, holding himself back. There were tears in my eyes, and I shook, suddenly...

I yowled as I came. And my voice broke in sharp yelps as he gave me several sharp strokes in the middle of it, ending in a low, pleased howl.

I felt... paralyzed. I couldn't move. It was like... like it had never been before! It was like the first time I'd actually, really had sex with Keith after a lifetime of masturbating -- just this whole feeling of "oh, so that's what it's supposed to be like!" Keith had never, ever made me come through anal stimulation -- this brute had done it like...

Like this was how it was supposed to be.

He curled up on top of me like a heavy rug, glowing and satiated, a low purr in his throat. I closed my eyes, and we stayed together like that for a long time.

"I've... I've never..."

"Hmmmm?" He looked me over curiously.

I took a deep breath. "I've never met another wolf that I've really felt close to," I confessed. "Outside of my own family."

He flicked an ear. "Do you feel close to me now?"

I gave him a hug. "Well. I dunno about 'close', but... Not distant at least."

He nodded. "I'd call that an improvement, yeah."

I took a deep breath and sighed. I had the strangest feeling that this was it. This was my one moment in time, my brief waking dream. This would be the last night I would see him. So I would need to make the most of it.

But where to begin?

"I think... There's so much I want to know about, but I don't know how to ask."

He nosed my cheek encouragingly. "Something I can help you with?"

I took a moment, staring up past his head into the forest canopy. They called this forest The Whispering Pines because of all of the tall pine trees and the sound they made as the wind rocked them back and forth. It was like ocean waves.

"I want... I want to know about being a wolf."

"Oh? What seems to be the trouble?"

"I guess I just don't... feel like I'm very good at it."

"By whose standards?"

I shook my head. "No one's. It's just... I don't get it. Any of it. I don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing."

"Not such a strange position to find yourself in," Nash assured me.

"Is it really?" I pressed him. "I meet animals every day who seem to have their role in life all figured out." I waved up at the sky helplessly. "I go out to howl at the moon because that's what wolves are supposed to do, but it all feels so... empty to me. Meaningless. I don't understand why wolves do that, but if I don't do it myself, I feel like I'm missing out on something."

"Hmmmmm..."

"I tried to join a wolf pack, and it was terrible," I muttered. "I was treated like crap. The whole system seemed to be in place to make everyone in it twisted and miserable. And yet, now that I'm outside of it... You know, I have a job doing something I love, I'm finally starting to make the sort of money that I can support myself comfortably with, and yet there's an ache inside of me every day of my life. I'm wondering, why didn't I stay? Why didn't I just learn to put up with it? Now I'm a wolf without a pack. Despite how miserable it made me, I just feel this... hollowness inside of myself. Like I'm a failure. Like I've done everything wrong. I've got a home, a good job, a guy back home who loves me, and a modest degree of financial security. Why aren't I happy yet?"

Nash snickered. "I think you just answered your own question."

I wasn't in much of a riddle mood. "What do you mean?"

"You have everything you need," Nash explained with a grin. "There's nothing left for you to strive for. You're too comfortable. When you're dissatisfied with the things that make you happy, it means you need an adventure."

Huh. Made a certain amount of sense. "Really."

"I can't imagine why you'd be out in the woods with a wild wolf up your ass if some part of you wasn't looking for an adventure," Nash grinned.

"True," I said. "I guess... I guess I just always sort of expected that there was something more to being a wolf. Something... fulfilling. Something that I'm supposed to be doing, something that'll... just make everything click."

Nash nodded. "Well. The glory and the horror of life is that it doesn't come with any instructions. It sounds to me like you're looking for a book called 'How to be a Wolf' that'll tell you how to live. Trouble is, they haven't written that one yet."

I shook my head. "There must be something," I said.

"I'm afraid not. There's no monolithic lupine conspiracy. No secret handshakes. Just a bunch of animals trying to figure out life, same as you. Trouble is, we've all got different answers to find. It wouldn't be any fun if we didn't."

I sighed. "So there's really nothing else to it, huh?"

He scratched his chin. "Well, I guess I can tell you one secret."

My ears perked. "What?"

"A wolf doesn't howl so that he'll feel something," he told me. "He does it so that someone else will."

It was like a flash of light in my face. I couldn't believe that I simply hadn't realized that before.

"Huh," I said at last. "You're good."

He grinned. "I try."

I don't know why I had expected another wolf to impart the meaning of the universe on me just because I happened to meet him in the woods and he happened to give me a barking anal orgasm. But I'd gotten enough to settle my curiosity. If only for the moment.

"So why did you turn feral anyway?" I asked.

"Perspective," he said. "The more time you spend in civilization, the more you start to see the artifice to it. I guess it just wasn't for me." He sighed whistfully. "I wouldn't recommend this life to anyone. Unfortunately, it's hard and cruel. The nights get cold. You can go hungry for days. You've got to work when the weather looks like crap or you're sick and you can barely get up on both legs."

"I could never live that way," I agreed. "I'm just too weak. I spent one night lost in the woods once; I can't imagine making an entire life out of it."

"But it's got a nice tradeoff," Nash grinned. "Out here, I'm free. I can be a wolf. There's no point pretending I'm not." He looked me straight in the eyes. "You know what it's like, don't you."

It wasn't a question, so I didn't answer it. But yes, I knew what he meant. A wolf who couldn't restrain himself could be a very dangerous animal indeed. The drives and urges that made you an ace candidate for wilderness survival made it difficult sometimes to get along in polite society. The gut instinct that would help you keep the pack together also made you want to bite your co-workers. The bloodthirst that helped you bring down an animal twice your size also made you snippy with customers. Being a wolf in day-to-day life is a very careful balancing act indeed.

"You say you've got someone waiting for you at home?" Nash mused.

"Yeah."

"Does he know you're out here?"

I half smiled. "He's the one who suggested that I should come out. He even payed for some precautions he wanted me to take... Immunizations and an anal diaphragm."

Nash nodded. "He sounds like someone who really loves you," he said.

"Yeah. I'm probably the luckiest wolf in the world."

"If I were you," Nash said solemnly, "I would stop worrying so much about what I need, and start thinking about what he needs."

I didn't know what else to say. So that was the last thing we said to each other. When I awoke the next morning, he was already gone, and my keys were laying on my chest. They were still a little dirty from when he'd dug them up.