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'Where do you want me to sit?' 'O-On the bed...' 'Anything... specific... you'd like to see...?' 'I-I don't know, I mean, d-did you ever do this before...?' 'Not deliberately, no...' 'You really wanna pose for me...?' 'I told you, didn't I...?' 'Uhm... I-I'll go get my art supplies...'

Nikki quickly rushed out of her bedroom to get her things, almost knocking down a side-table on the way out. I guess she was really nervous... I looked at myself in the mirror on the wall, only covered by a towel, with absolutely nothing underneath... It was a bit chilly in her room... The curtains were closed and we moved her lounge chair in her bedroom. The chair was located opposite her bed so that she had a good view on me... Several moments later, she came in the room carrying all of her stuff, with dozens of pencils and charcoal and a sketchbook... She sits in the chair and had a really nervous look on her face... 'Are you nervous...?' 'Uhm... Uh... A-Are you...?' 'No... This reminds me of that scene in Titanic...' 'Y-Yes, doesn't it?' 'You ready...?'

She nodded quickly and that's when I dropped the towel to the floor... Her eyes became big and Nikki gawped at me for a moment... I nudged her chin up and whispered quietly to her... 'Eye's up, sweetheart...' 'Uhm... Y-Yeah, yeah o-of course...'

I gave her a little wink and smiled at her as I turned around to get on the bed. Lying down on my side, with my leg covering my crotch and my hand supporting my head... It was cute to see her like that... So timid, so shy to be in the presence of a nude girl... But that's what I like about her... She's a cutie and she knows it... But just don't really know how to deal with it... Nikki took her seat and she started to draw me but a short while later, she ripped the page out of her sketchbook and tossed it in the bin... It went on for several pages until she sighed quietly... 'It's not working out?' 'No...' 'Perhaps you want me in a different position then...?' 'I think so...' 'Anything to your liking...' 'Maybe you can... uh... Lie down on your back and... move your right leg over your left...' 'Show me...'

Nikki hesitated for a moment but made her way to the bed and sat next to me. I got down on my back like she told me to with my right leg over my left as I held my breasts... She looked at my pussy for a moment but it was too late... I already noticed that... So I spread my legs a little apart, so that she had a good view on it... 'Like what you see...?' 'I-I'm sorry...?' 'You want this, don't you...?' 'I-I don't know what you're talking about...' 'Sure you do... To fully comprehend art is to feel it... To taste it... To smell it... And to hear it... Isn't that what you once told me...?'

Nikki nodded quickly as I took her hand and made her feel my stomach... Slowly going down until she reached the right place... Nikki looked so startled, so shy and so timid when I did... 'N-No...! I-I-I can't...! T-Terry's, h-he's-' 'Not here at the moment, is he...?' 'Uhm...' 'This'll be our little secret...'

She bit her upper lip and kept staring at my pussy in an attempt to resist... I know how she feels... I know she thinks it's wrong to have sex with the girlfriend of her best friend... But the two of us know very well on how to keep things a secret... Nikki was so tempted to do something she always wanted to do with a woman... It was right in front of her... So I quietly whispered to her to give to the temptations... To get a taste of something she longed for and tenderly started to kiss my inner thighs while her hands were feeling all over my body... I know she never explored a woman like this before... But despite that, she seemed to know exactly what she was doing... Building up some tension by kissing all those sensitive little spots... Nikki didn't just dove into it... She teased me for a long time... But then she finally climbed on top of me where our wet pussies touched each other... Slowly humping, riding our clits together... The longer she did, the faster she started to scissor me and the more intense those feelings became... We stared right into each others eyes as it happened... Those big sparkling violet eyes of her... Her long, maroon coloured hair swaying back and forth as she was riding me... I could feel her pussy dripping on me when she quietly moaned my name... "Oh, Ceylan... Oh, yes... Ceylan...! Ceylan...!!" 'Ceylan...!' 'Huh, what...?'

I opened my eyes and noticed Terry was on top of me instead. "The hell...?" I blinked several times and rubbed my eyes for a moment as Terry caressed my hair... And then I looked straight at him while I placed my hands on his cheeks... 'I'm sorry... I, uhm...' 'Is everything alright? You seem to space out lately.' 'Y-Yeah, I'm just... Pfff... I'm sorry, it's been a long day and I'm really tired... I'm not really in the mood tonight...'

Terry got off of me and pulled out as I rolled on my side, my back facing him. He came closer to me and placed his arm around my stomach while burying his muzzle in my shoulder, gently kissing it... I closed my eyes and sighed as I held on to his hand... "How much longer does this need to continue...? How much longer are you gonna lie to him, yourself and everyone around you...?" Terry knows exactly how girls react... When a girl says that nothing's wrong, everything is wrong... He just knew... Four weeks have passed ever since I came out to Simon... He took it well and ever since then, I wanted to tell Terry and Nikki... But four fucking weeks passed and not a single thing has changed for me... It frustrated me to say the least... Not knowing when to tell, how to tell or who to tell first... Not to mention that I didn't know if I had feelings for Nikki or not... I was too scared to come out to them, afraid that it might change everything between us... I don't wanna lose Nikki... And certainly don't wanna lose Terry... So how the hell do you find out which person you prefer to be with? I don't wanna make comprises and sacrifices... And I sure as hell don't want to make a choice between either Terry or Nikki... But what frustrated me the most was that I didn't knew anything for certain... And I guess that's the reason why four weeks have passed without me taking any action, simply because I was too afraid... It stayed quiet between Terry and me for a moment, until I had to ask him a question that's been bothering me ever since... 'Terry...?' 'Yeah?' 'Do you believe in love at first sight...?' 'Haha, hardly, I had to walk passed you several times before you even noticed me.' 'I'm serious... I mean... Did you ever met someone you felt a certain click with...?' 'I had that with you...' 'Really...?' 'Yeah... At Blain's farewell party... I felt this click the moment I first talked to you.' 'Despite the fact I was acting like a bitch to you...?' 'Yup... But that's what I like about you... You got a big mouth attitude and everything but a small heart of gold... And I want to be with you...' 'Heh...' 'It's because you're everything I'll ever need...'

"What if I tell you that you're not everything I need...? Oh for fucks sake, I can't do this..." I closed my eyes for a moment and sighed once more... I wasn't able to tell him that he's not everything I need... I just couldn't say it... And that's the reason why I couldn't face him... "Liar... You're a goddamn liar, Ceylan..." I knew that all too well... Terry stayed quiet after that as he caressed my hair... It didn't took long before he fell asleep... But I couldn't... All I did was staring in the darkness...

As I thought things through over the following days, I did managed to get my mind straight. Remembering the words my grandmother told me, I simply figured that I just wasn't ready to tell Terry yet, considering those confusing feelings I had for Nikki. Perhaps I had to get rid of this burden before I was able to get rid of another. I guess it wasn't all that bad once I thought logically about it. The only thing I knew for certain was that I'm bi-sexual. But the real thing that was bothering me was to tell Terry about these feelings I had for Nikki, while I didn't even knew if they were real or not. It would make me feel as if coming out to him as bi-sexual would mean I was in love with Nikki while I didn't know for sure. The more I thought about that, the more I realized I wasn't ready to tell Terry. I knew I had to take this problem to the source... I knew I had to tell her first before I was ready to tell Terry. I knew I had to tell Nikki I'm bi-sexual as long as I didn't revealed my feelings for her... As long as I kept my feelings for her a secret, everything would be safe and would stay the way they're supposed to... I've always told myself that nothing would change...

Things stayed relatively the same over the weeks. I tried to talk to Nikki about it but I always crawled back the moment I wanted to tell the truth. The thing is, people started to notice that something was up with me with the way I was behaving. Thinking, thinking, thinking, always questioning things about Terry and Nikki while nothing was certain for me... I was starting to lose it... How was it even possible, I kept asking myself... Why was I driving myself so crazy like that? Terry and Nikki deserved my honesty but the fact that I was still lying to them and to myself only seemed to make things worse. I already realized I had to solve the problem by dealing with the source. And Nikki was the source. I just didn't know how... At some point, I didn't know what I had to do anymore... I was tired of all this shit... Tired of all the questioning, worrying and speculating about something I didn't know for sure... And I wanted to give up... I wanted to take things as they come by, not worrying about what may happen... That's exactly what I did... And that's exactly the reason why things started to change...

It happened on a Saturday evening, when Terry went out with his friends. Nikki was struck with the flu and when I talked to her earlier on the phone, she told me that she looked and felt like shit. I offered her to come over and bring some stuff along that would make her feel better. Terry knew that Nikki was ill and when I told him I was gonna visit her, Terry didn't mind... I had these eucalyptus tablets that worked really well whenever you had the flu. You need to drop one of these tablets in the water while you're taking a hot bath. So I figured I'd take that with me for her...

At around seven o'clock in the evening, I arrived at her apartment. Nikki buzzed me in and several moments later, I was at her door. The moment she opened the door, I smiled at her but it got wiped off the moment I saw her... Her eyes were tired and soggy red... Her nose was red and she looked really pale... Nikki almost looked like a zombie... She was in her nightie... And her definition of a nightie was a t-shirt and panties... Nothing else... 'Oh... You weren't kidding when you said you looked like shit.' 'Yeah... Come on in...'

We made our way to her living-room where she flopped down on the couch and snug herself underneath a thick warm blanket. I sat next to her when all of a sudden, she looked at me... All of a sudden, she got up from the couch and shuffled to her kitchen... 'Do you want anything to drink, Ceylan?' 'No, it's fine, just get down on the couch. Should I make you some tea?' 'For the love of everything that is holy, please... No more tea... I've had dozens of cups...' 'Alright. You've taken any aspirin yet?' 'Yeah... But it's not working... I still feel really dizzy...'

I got to the kitchen to get a glass of water and gave it to her along with an aspirin pill. Nikki puts the pill in her mouth and chugged a glass of water down. Several moments later, she got down on the couch again and closed her eyes for a moment... 'It's not working...' 'You gotta give it some time to work, silly.' 'I've already taken six of them... It feels as if my head is exploding... I hate being sick...' 'I got something that'll help. Got some stuff with me from home.'

Reaching inside the plastic bag I carried with me, I got hold of a small jar of tablets. It's called Kajuputi Telor. The jar itself had some chubby tigress lady and a picture of some mystical tree on the label. Basically, these tablets had all sorts of natural ingredients and have a very strong scent of eucalyptus. The idea is that you drop one of these tablets in the bathtub and the steam carries the aroma's around the bathroom. It's so strong, your sinuses open up immediately and it's very effective against the flu and whenever you have a cold. The tablet itself contains only natural ingredients from plants and stuff but strangely, it's very hard to come by. They only sell it in Daijirian Toko's... I picked up a jar when I was in Rayvale with Terry not too long ago, knowing it would come in handy when autumn started to kick in. So far, I didn't need it but Nikki looked like she really needed it that evening... 'Oh god, no more pills...' 'No, these aren't pills, Nic. These are eucalyptus tablets.' 'What am I gonna do with it?' 'You should take a hot bath and drop one of these pills in the water.' 'Is it like a bath-bomb or something?' 'Yeah, sort of.' 'Perhaps you should take a hot bath right now, before you go to sleep.' 'Worth trying I guess...' 'I'll uh... I'll wait here then...'

Then she got up the moment she said that it was worth trying... I thought it was kind of strange that she wanted to take a bath that very second... I don't know about you but I'm not gonna take a shower when I have guests over at my house... It just seems kind of strange... But she got up nevertheless and carefully made a few steps until she almost tripped... I knew she was dizzy but not that dizzy... Nevertheless, I got hold of her... 'Whoa, hey, you okay?' 'I'm really dizzy...'

"Ooooookay...? The fuck, dude...?" I didn't know if she did that on purpose or if she really was so helpless. It seemed as if she overreacted though... Then again, I didn't know how she felt. I looked at her for a moment and I don't really know how I felt... It's the way she was looking at me again... I don't really know what drove me to it. But I placed an arm under her armpits and the other below her knees and just like that, I picked her up like a baby and carefully carried her to the bathroom... And all this time, she kept looking at me... 'You're really strong...' 'Yeah, well, you're not exactly that heavy. It wouldn't be the first time I was carrying you.' 'First time?' 'Yeah, when you got totally wasted.' 'Oh... Hehe...'

It only took several steps before we reached her bathroom. But once we got in, I placed her down and Nikki sat on the toilette seat while I opened the tap of the bath and let it fill up with hot water. And Nikki just sat there while we waited... There was this awkward moment of silence and I didn't know whether to leave her alone or to stay. She took her t-shirt off and there she was, sitting in her underwear, looking at me... Nikki is kind of skinny though... But she has beautiful curves... All she did was looking at me and I saw that she was hesitating... And in a sudden burst of impulsiveness, she reached with both of her hands to her back and nervously made an attempt to unclip the buckle of her bra... I guess she was so nervous that it didn't really work out... After trying to get it undone, she stopped and placed her hands on her lap while she wasn't looking at me... 'Uh... You need help with that, Nic?' 'I-I don't know if you should see me like this...' 'It wouldn't be the first time I would help you to undress. Besides, I've seen plenty of naked girls in the public shower of the gym.'

I don't know what's causing it but Nikki seems very embarrassed about her body... I don't know why because she has absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Nevertheless, she hesitated for a moment when she turned to her left. I managed to undo her bra with one hand but she held on to it, still covering her breasts... I've had a lot of practice with that in the past... She looked a little uneasy to say the least... Nikki slowly let her bra down and then dropped it to the floor when she wasn't looking at me... She looked afraid and I had no idea why... Her arms were clenched around her breasts to hide them from me... 'You okay...?' 'Y-Yeah, yeah, I-I'm fine... Heh...' 'I can leave if you want me to.' 'N-No, I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean it that way, please, don't...! Uhm...' 'I meant leaving the bathroom...' 'Oh...! Well... If you think you should... It's just... I-I just don't feel that comfortable with you being here...' 'Why is that...?' 'I-I-I'm not that pretty to look at...'

I looked at her and well... I was wondering what made her trip like that... You'd expect that she would be comfortable for being naked with another girl in her presence considering she's lesbian and all but I've never seen a girl being so embarrassed and so insecure about her body before. It just goes to show how low her self-esteem really was and I didn't understand what caused it... It's ridiculous because Nikki is absolutely gorgeous to look at... Except she didn't realize that... I didn't know what it did to me... 'Don't be silly... You're beautiful...'

She looked at me with a weak smile and it stayed silent for a while. When I noticed the bathtub was almost full, Nikki was still covering her breasts while she sat there... I took the jar of tablets and opened it up in front of her nose... 'You smell it?' 'Oh whoa. That's really strong...' 'It gets much stronger once you're in the damp.'

I dropped a pill in the bathtub and everything was ready... I poked my finger in the water and the temperature was nice. And then she got up from the toilette-seat and stood there, while she was still wearing her panties. She leaned against me as she tried to undo her panties with one hand but that didn't really worked... So I helped her out a little... Nikki placed her hands on my shoulders for support as I kneeled in front of her to take her panties off... The moment I looked up, I saw it... I saw her vagina... This strange tingle went through my stomach the moment I laid my eyes upon it... It's always been strange for me to see someone you know naked for the first time... But seeing Nikki naked felt even weirder for me... The moment I looked up to her face, I saw she bit her upper lip and that she was blushing... Her cheeks were almost as red as her hair was... I just didn't get it... Once I got up, I looked her in the eyes... Her eyes averted... It wasn't until my hand touched her cheek that she finally could face me... I placed an arm around her and helped Nikki to get in the bathtub... Even when she was in the bathtub, she tried to cover herself up... But seeing her like that made me feel so weird yet it felt oh so familiar... I had no idea what was going on... Everything was just so surreal... Somewhere, deep down inside, I couldn't help but to feel that she did this on purpose... As if she already knew about me... I can tell so many things by looking in her eyes... No one ever told me that much by simply staring at me... Seeing her naked felt as if she exposed her very own soul to me... Nikki reached her hand out to mine and held it, while she just looked at me... It didn't take long before the strong scent of eucalyptus filled the bathroom... She finally started to relax and took several deep breathes... As I sat on the edge of the bathtub, I was looking at her... Her beautiful body, her beautiful curves... She was the only thing that went through my mind... Every once in a while, she opened her eyes and looked at me... It didn't take long before she closed them again... Nikki looked at me once more when I caressed the back of her hand... So I quietly whispered to her to close her eyes... I could join her, sit behind her and hold her tight while whispering sweet little things in her ear... To tell her that she's the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes upon and to tell her how much she means to me... I felt the butterflies in my stomach... Those feelings only seemed to get more intense when I gently caressed her hair... Caressed her cheek... And that's when I knew... That's when I knew my feelings for her were real... Ever since the day I met her, I longed for a chance to be with her... To press my lips against hers and hold her in a passionate embrace... I would love her like no other girl ever did... All of these feelings were real... And with that in mind, my head moved closer to hers... I closed my eyes gently pressed my lips against hers... It wasn't a quick peck this time... It was a genuine kiss I shared with her... It felt as if the both of us were carried away... The oh so sweet taste of her lips... I thought I would never experience it. For a short moment, I was carried away by the feeling of it... And it was a wonderful feeling... And I think she felt the same... But those feelings ended abruptly the moment she opened her eyes... She looked startled... Confused... and more scared then I ever saw her before... 'Y-You didn't just... D-Did you...?' 'I'm sorry...' 'W-What's going on...? Why are you doing this...?'

"Oh god, no, not like this... The hell did you do, Ceylan...?" I guess there wasn't much use to keep it secret anymore... The truth was already revealed... 'D-Don't you love Terry...?' 'I love Terry very much... I really do... But... I... I-I also feel attracted to you...' 'N-No...! You can't be...! Just tell me the truth...! Please...' 'I'm bi-sexual...' 'W-What...?'

I sighed quietly and closed my eyes while my heart was pounding in my throat once more... I felt so restless and so fucked up that evening... I had no idea where to start... 'When I first met Terry, it wasn't really that serious at first but... It got serious over the months... And he needs to know that I'm bi-sexual. But... I'm afraid to tell him. And I wanna be with you as well... I know you for a long time now and well... I really like you... I know that Terry loves me... And I know he'll do anything for me... But despite all that, something is missing... Something that Terry can never give me... I don't want to hurt Terry with this... I just don't want to choose between you or him... I fell in love with you, Nic...' 'You are...?' 'Yeah... I always saw you looking at me... In the hallways... Then I found out you were a friend of Terry... So-' 'You used Terry just to get to me...? H-How could you do that to him...?' 'N-No, no, really, i-it's not like that...! Like I said, I-I love him, I really do... But... I always had a feeling that something was missing. And... Over the months I realized that... It's you that's been missing...' 'B-But you're Terry's girlfriend...! A-And i-it's a wrong thing to do that t-towards Terry!' 'I know... But I-I need to know, Nic...' 'Need to know what...?' 'Do you have feelings for me...?'

It stayed quiet for a while... This was the weirdest conversation I've ever had... I think Nikki felt the same about it... But nevertheless, she started to talk after a long moment a silence... 'Ever since I first saw you in college, i-it made me believe in love at first sight... I-I have feelings for you... I always have... But that's why it's a wrong thing to do... I-I can't do that to Terry... He's my best friend... And... I-I wished things were different... B-But they're not... I've had my chance... But never did anything with it simply because I was too afraid...' 'Afraid of what...?' 'Afraid of rejection...' 'Like me...' 'Yes... Like you...'

That was everything she had to say about it... For the first time in her life, there was a woman who was madly in love with her... No girl ever expressed her feelings towards Nikki before... You think she would be mad to let a girl go when the feelings were mutual... But I understand her position... I should've kept my feelings for her a secret... But I wasn't able to hide it any longer... For the first time in my life, I got rejected by someone I was madly in love with... It was painful to have experienced that... The feelings Nikki and I shared were mutual, which only caused more pain, as if it was simply not meant to be... It stayed silent for a long time while I desperately wanted to talk about it... But she said everything she wanted to tell me... Everything was just so fucked up and so surreal... Nikki didn't like it at all, I saw how restless she became once more while she wasn't facing me... 'Say something, Nic... Anything... Please...?' 'The water is turning cold... I-I think it's best if I get out.' 'Want me to help you...?' 'No, I'm fine... Thanks...'

She pulled the drain of the bathtub with her foot and it took a lot of effort for her to get out of the bathtub. It almost went wrong the moment she placed her foot on the stone tiles of her bathroom, almost making her slip... But luckily, I managed to hold her... Nikki looked at me and I saw her eyes... They turned cold... Those eyes I was staring at were no longer the eyes I fell in love with... And yet I still felt it... Still felt the butterflies in my stomach... It was unbearable... I had no idea what to do as she dried herself off with a large towel... Her back was facing me while she did not say anything... Nikki wrapped herself up in that towel and carefully made her way out of the bathroom... I was really upset that she didn't say anything... I could hardly hold the tears back... Once I got in the living-room, I noticed the door of her bedroom was closed... But several moments later, she came back, dressed in a different t-shirt and underwear... And all this time, she stayed silent... I heard her sigh and I quietly asked her why she wasn't talking to me... Whether she heard me ask or not, she did not respond... 'You got all the right to be mad at me for what I did, Nic... But... Please... Say something... Anything...' 'I'm not mad at you... I just don't know what to say....' 'Maybe... Maybe it's best for me to go then... And... I hope that this doesn't get in the way of our friendship... I don't wanna loose you... I really don't... I'm sorry, Nikki... I really am...'

I got all of my things and looked at her but she wasn't even looking at me anymore... I closed my eyes and I never felt so ashamed in my life before, for letting it get this far... I sighed once more and closed my eyes for a moment... When I looked at her again, Nikki just stared into blank space... And that's when I knew I had to go... 'Bye...'

No response... With lead in my feet, I made my way to the hallway and opened the door... I sincerely hoped she came after me and told me to stay, to at least talk about it. But that didn't happened... So I gently closed the door behind me and got as fast as I could to the staircase. Just before I entered it, I heard a door opening up... But I didn't look back anymore...

Nikki was right. It was a wrong thing to do to cheat on Terry with his best friend. Things would've turned out very different if I didn't tell her about my feelings. I often wished I only told her that I'm bi-sexual and kept my feelings for her a secret. She would understand and it would make things so much more easier to talk about. But I wasn't able to keep my feelings for her a secret anymore... I figured I had to tell Terry now... But after telling Nikki, it would be a whole lot more difficult... Nikki and I both knew the feelings were mutual... But Terry didn't know that... So how was I able to explain him I was in love with his best friend? To tell him I kissed her...? To tell him the feelings were mutual? And then what? It's not like Terry could ignore those particular facts and that's when I knew that things would inevitably change if I ever told him... I wanted to forget about Nikki... But she's hard to forget once I knew the feelings were mutual... I didn't know what to do anymore. I became desperate... We have a saying from where I come from... "Kajali bahut er jumani salil..." It literally means "a cornered feline in distress make weird jumps". It basically means that desperate needs lead to desperate deeds... I started to panic... And I did something what I thought felt right to do... What I didn't realize at the time was that I would regret it for a very long time...