Caring
#36 of Hockey Hunk Season 3
Not enough, or too much?
Awesome cover art of the main duo by the generous and talented kensukethecat .
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*
Victor gave me a look.
"It all comes down to humping, doesn't it? Jealousy and humping?" he stated, watching me carefully.
What sage words.
"I guess it does," I answered, tentatively, after a moment to make sure my voice was steady. "To all that you mentioned."
"Humping," Victor snorted again.
"I don't have the habit of humping anyone else when I'm with someone I'm interested in," I answered. "That's who I am."
I found myself breathing hard as I looked up to the Dobie glaring down to me from his vantage point, eyes steady on me and a big white tooth visible on the corner of his muzzle from a barely contained grimace.
"Yeah," I said, when the silence stretched to five whole seconds, and the words began to force themselves onto my tongue, "been on the wrong end of that too many time so I fucking know how it feels."
How many fucking times Graham had kissed me and told me that I was special and that while he loved me over anyone else, he needed his freedom and would give me the very same freedom if I wanted to. How he didn't care how many men I'd sleep with, that it didn't matter, we still had each other, our beautiful home and beautiful matching jackets and hopes of getting some new potted plants for summer. How we'd be special for each other and it'd be beautiful.
That fucking summer that never came.
Victor let out a sharp breath and I bit back whatever else possibly ranting words I might have left in me, and held my silence for now. I could only hear the rush of blood into my ears and the sound of my own breaths coming fast. My body felt scared all sudden, all the classic signs and feelings were there, and I had to keep them in check. Getting worked up would not help anyone.
I gave my Dobie a look, and shook my head quietly. Victor's cheeks almost puffed out with the sharpness of his own breaths.
"It's not all about humping," I said. "It's about caring too much or too little. It needs some sort of a balance."
Victor scratched the side of his muzzle roughly and flicked his good ear in a classic canine show of annoyance. I stood my ground and waited for whatever was to come.
"Caring, huh?" he grunted.
"Yeah" I said. "And I don't think we can go on showing it like this. Like a pair of idiots."
Then I added, "Like Cobb."
I braced myself, but the sharp retort that I could have well expected didn't come. Instead, I saw Victor stop his agitated scratching and then he simply let his paws fall to his side, as if defeated for now.
Then Victor chuckled.
"Like Cobb, huh?" he rasped.
My ears flicked down, out of nerves and sheer annoyance at the whole situation.
"I think you're wrong," Victor said, then.
My ears perked a little. What'd he mean by that?"
"I am?" I asked, trying my best not to sound at all combative on the matter.
"Yeah," Victor said. "I think it's about goddamn time we stop being polite and civilized and just get it all out, like Cobb does. How about that?"
The furs on the back of my neck spiked up at the sudden rise of his voice and tone, and my tail made its usual attempted disappearing act under the couch, with little success now. My heart began to thump. The Dobie's loud, deep voice cut through me completely. I didn't even know what he was trying to do with his voice. Was it anger, or desperation, or trying to provoke me, or his way of dealing with this all? What could I answer?
"How about what?" I tried.
Victor huffed.
"We've tried polite and we've tried thinking and we've tried make up sex and we've tried pretty damn everything in the book except shouting and I'm pretty damn READY to start shouting!"
So was this the famous Holden temper flaring, then? I could definitely see a lot more teeth than I usually did when Victor spoke to me, and his voice was definitely already tickling the soles of anyone living above my flat.
"That what you want?" I replied.
"YES!"
Now that almost sounded like Cobb.
Whatever. If that's what he wanted.
It was time to take off the filter.
"WELL THEN YOU SHOULD LET ME START AND LISTEN WHEN I TELL YOU THAT AT ANY POINT DID I EVER INTEND TO FUCK AROUND WITH COLIN GILBERTVILLE ALSO KNOWN AS LORD MISTWILLOW WHO GODDAMN TRIED TO HIT ON ME AND GAVE ME A TONGUE KISS WITHOUT A WARNING THAT FELT PRETTY DAMN GOOD BUT I TOLD HIM THAT I WASN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH HIM AND THEN HE LEFT AND I FELT LIKE SHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE I'VE BEEN KISSING LATELY AND WAS SUPPOSED TO BE KISSING AS SOON AS COBB WAS OUT OF THE WAY AND I FELT SHIT FOR THE WHOLE WEEK AFTER THAT AND THEN COLIN SENT ME A TEXT TELLING ME THAT HE WAS LEAVING TOWN AND IT HAPPENED RIGHT WHEN WE WERE SENDING COBB OFF ON THE TRAIN AND FRANKLY I COULDN'T LOOK AT YOU CHATTERING HAPPILY ABOUT ALL THE DAMN WONDERFUL THINGS WE'D BE DOING ALL WEEKEND AND I JUST COULDN'T DEAL WITH MYSELF AND I HAD TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT AND THEN THAT FUCKING ACCIDENT HAPPENED AND WE WERE SMASHED AND THE ONLY THING I COULD THINK WAS THAT I HOPED THAT YOU WERE ALRIGHT AND GODDAMN IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT I THOUGHT FOR A WHILE THAT I HAD SOMEHOW CAUSED THE CRASH AND MADE IT ALL GO BAD AND I CRIED AND WANTED TO MAKE THINGS UP WITH YOU AND THEN YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU NEEDED TIME AND I CRIED AND CRIED AND TOLD MYSELF WHAT A SAD FUCKING SHITHEAD I WAS AND IT WENT ON AND ON AND ON AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT DO WITH MYSELF AND TRIED TO PRETEND TO MY FAMILY THAT EVERYTHING WAS ALRIGHT WHILE IT WASN'T AND I TRIED TO APOLOGIZE YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT I ALREADY FELT TIRED OF DOING THAT AND THOUGHT THAT MAYBE YOU JUST GODDAMN WANTED TO PLAY WITH ME AND I COULDN'T JUST TAKE IT ANYMORE AND I CAME BACK TO TOWN AND ASKED PETER WHAT TO DO AND THEN HE TOLD ME TO CALL COBB AND COME UP WITH A ROMANTIC SURPRISE THAT I COULD USE TO MEET YOU AND MAKE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT AND THEN COBB TOLD ME TO FUCK OFF AND I CRIED AND SLEPT AND CRIED AND FELT ANGRY AT EVERY SINGLE HOLDEN IN THIS WORLD FOR A WHILE AND THEN YOU CALLED AND HERE I AM SHOUTING AT YOU AND TELLING YOU THAT I NEVER WANTED TO HURT YOU AND THAT I THINK THAT THIS FUCKING THING HAS GONE ON FUCKING OUR LIVES FOR FAR TOO LONG NOW AND I'D REALLY LIKE THAT WE COULD GO BACK TO DOING EXACTLY WHAT WE WANTED TO DO BEFORE ALL THIS SHIT HIT THE FAN AND I CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO BE ANGRY WITH YOU ANYMORE OR JUST SAD OR WHAT BUT I'M TIRED OF BEING SORRY FOR MYSELF AND FEELING LIKE I MESSED EVERYTHING UP EVEN IF I KNOW I DID BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IF YOU CAN'T TAKE ME BACK SO THAT WE CAN KEEP ON FUCKING AND TALKING AND BEING TOGETHER THEN I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN DO EXCEPT EITHER DO THAT OR DO WHAT COBB TOLD ME AND JUST STAY OUT OF YOUR GODDAMNED LIFE VICTOR TERRENCE HOLDEN!"
I took a deep breath and buried my face in my paw, to swallow down the pain in my throat from all the shouting and to cover my tear-soaked eyes.
I didn't have the time to sob more than a couple of times into the bitter air of my palms before I felt a warm arm around me, and my head was pressed against Victor's broad chest. I gasped and tried to look up to him, but Victor's paw landed on my neck and held me where I was, pressed against him. For a moment the touch triggered my fight or flight mechanism and made my body tense, but then I realized that there was no intention of forcefully keeping me there.
Then I heard the deep breath, and felt the heat on the top of my head, too.
"Shit," Victor's strained voice reached my ear, "Shit, shit, shit..."
His chin touched my crown and it almost felt like a kiss, on my slowly shaking head.
I felt so damn tired, and I couldn't stop the growl wrecking my already hurting throat, let alone the tears that gushed out. My palms already felt damp.
"Shit fucking shit..." Victor snorted and huffed close to my skin.
I wanted to look to him, see him, talk to him, but I couldn't move, now that he held me there, oddly protective in one way, restrained in the other, and I simply felt him, holding me in his arms.
"Talk about a fucking bad idea...."
Now my ears perked, and so did my head too. Victor's grip be damned. I fought my head up so that I could see his eyes, and our muzzles almost collided, but it was worth it to, show him my glistening eyes and the ugly scowl on my face.
"No," I huffed painfully, "that was a...ah...ah...the best idea in ages."
I growled, grunted, panted, and let him see me, and I could see his brow furrow as well.
"It was a fucking great idea," I said, again, sternly, determinedly, through my constricting throat, "Thanks, Victor."
My throat hurt and my chest hurt and I still felt like fainting right there and then, all my energy and oxygen expelled during my ranting shout before, but I also felt good. I'd told him exactly what was in my mind and everything I felt in exactly the terms that I knew to use to express them, and now it was all out in the open.
I blinked and shed more tears over my matted cheeks, from my burning eyes. Victor growled.
"But you're crying..."
I snorted wetly.
"Sometimes crying helps," I said. "I think now it really does."
"You look awful," Victor breathed.
I snuffled.
"Well I feel awful, too," I said, looking up to him.
I could see a flash of Victor's teeth on the corners of his muzzle when he grimaced. His paw was still gripping my shoulder firmly.
"Sorry," Victor husked.
"Apology accepted," I grunted. "And it's your turn now."
Victor's good ear jumped.
"Huh?" he breathed, making my whiskers tickle.
I nudged his shoulder with my nearest paw.
"Your turn to go Cobb," I said, matter-of-fact. "You're the one who said you wanted to be like him and just shout it out. So it's now your turn."
The big Dobie sighed deeply, and squeezed on me extra firmly now, with that arm going about my shoulders and keeping me close to him. His face only spoke of one emotion, and that was mourning. It made my belly twinge painfully.
"I think I'll pass," Victor snorted.
I quirked my brow.
"Huh?"
Victor's paw began to slowly stroke against my shoulder blade, while he looked onto me with his big, sad eyes.
"Well you just made me realize how stupid that was of me," he said. "I'm sorry."
I blinked slowly to get some of the accumulated tears off my eyes, and kept on looking at him steadily.
"It's what you wanted," I noted.
Victor snorted.
"Obviously I often don't know what's best for me," he huffed. "Jesus, you DID sound just like Cobb!"
I let out a hollow chuckle that lasted for one, painful breath, before I was quiet again, unsmiling, and mellow.
"I do my best," I breathed.
Victor shook his head.
"I can't believe I thought shouting was gonna help," the big Dobie grumbled, staring at my tear-laced cheeks.
"Well it got everything out of me," I replied quietly. "Still waiting for your side of it."
Victor's ears flicked, both of them, and he let out a breath.
"Not gonna shout," his finger squeezed onto my arm.
"So don't," I muttered. "Just speak."
"What do you want me to say?" he huffed.
It was my turn to shake my head.
"It's what you want to say, not what I want to hear," I rumbled. "I probably don't want to hear everything you want to say, but I know I have to."
Victor huffed.
"Doesn't sound too hopeful."
I poked his good side with my fingers and gave him a look.
"Just speak," I rumbled.
The big Dobie took a big breath and nodded quickly.
"We've covered all of it a lot of times, haven't we?"
"We have," I replied. "Including a minute ago, eh?"
"Yeah," he growled.
We held onto one another, and listened to one another. Even my eyes had stopped burning as badly as before. My throat hurt still.
"I know I've been a jerk."
"You have," I said openly. "Pretty damn jerky, too."
"If I...promise stop being a jerk, will you believe me?" he asked.
"I'd like to," I said.
Victor sighed.
"I sure have already suffered enough for it," the Dobie shook his head. "All the times I could have called you and...and now this fight with Cobb...shit..."
I winced, but tried to keep my voice steady. It came out sounding rather husky, though.
"You don't have to assure me of your pain, Victor," I said. "I've seen it. Felt it, too."
Such gentle paws he got, too, for his size, like the one on my shoulder.
"So what the hell am I gonna do?" Victor demanded. "I'm tired of this shit."
"So let's cut the shit," I rumbled, and shrugged. "What else can we do?"
Victor flapped his good ear at me.
"Well, you said we can either cut the shit or fuck off," he said.
"I did," I said. "And I really would prefer the first choice in this matter."
I could see him swallow, before he spoke.
"I'd like that too, yeah."
"Good," I breathed.
Victor rubbed his muzzle and sighed heavily.
"I'm so fucking tired," he said. "I either don't sleep at all or sleep too much...I eat too much...I miss you...I messed things with Cobb..."
I put my paw onto his muzzle, to replace his paw there, and silenced him as gently as I could.
"Let's both calm down first," I said, "I know we're both messed as fuck but not getting worked up again is something to start with."
Victor snuffled and tilted his head a little into my palm, a position that made him ultimately kissable, too, I had to admit, as soon as he had placed himself.
"I know," he breathed.
So damn kissable.
*
*ring ring*
Victor grunted.
"If that's Cobb, I'm going to strangle him."
My ears jumped at the exclamation coming from the Dobie sitting on my couch, but nonetheless, I pushed my paw into my pocket and brought it out into view.
Peter Sinclair is calling
_ _
I held the vibrating phone in my paw and looked over to Victor.
"No, it's Peter," I said.
Victor nodded.
"Don't keep him waiting, then."
I gave him a quick nod in return.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Rowreeh!" the cougar's voice filtered through into my ear, crisp as ever.
My tail curled itself around my leg.
"Hi," I said.
"How're things going? Did you find Victor?"
I gave a quick glance at the Dobie on the couch who was trying to look at everything except me talking on the phone about him.
"Yeah, he's here," I said.
"Everything alright with you two?" Peter asked.
"Yeah, I think so," I said. "Victor had a bit of a rough time with his brother but he's alright."
Our eyes met across the room, and I could see a few teeth again, with his grimace. That couldn't be helped, I thought.
"Oooookay," Peter empathized.
"He's going to be staying here while we think about what to do with that," I continued, "but everything is okay for now."
Was I ever glad to be saying that.
"Alright," Peter said. "What're you going to do now?"
My nervous tail kept up its game around my leg and I gave Victor another look.
"We are...talking," I said, softly.
"Alright," he said. "Is it going anywhere?"
Another glance.
"I think so."
"Well that's good to hear, Rowreeh," Peter rumbled.
"Yeah," I replied.
"Say..." Peter murmured.
My ears flicked.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Either of you guys hungry? I've got a ridiculous amount of chicken cooking in the oven and letting out some pretty damn nice scents and I don't think I can eat all of that by myself."
My eyes widened.
*
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