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Act IX: Eldritch Pips and Unicycles

A little over twelve to fifteen hours later, my jet landed in Leeds, England. I reported to the local Chess bunker and requested Emergency Pack B, as well as a sports car. I sat in the sports car looking over the pack to see what was in it. The checklist helped me confirm a lot of magic protection devices, and explained what such items could not stop. I was glad that I had read the instructions first. I used the sports car's private Via Satellite phone to call Danath. This was certainly a change. I was checking in. I told Danath where I was and what I was doing. He was pleased that I had called to verify my position. We spoke for awhile, then I hung up.

Soon, I was driving towards Skipton, in the left-hand side lane. In England, you drove on the left side of the road. It wasn't long until I drove through Skipton. It was a very pleasant place, though nothing noteworthy for me to take notice of. Fortunately, I located a road heading west out of Skipton. It was an unpaved roadway, and quite bumpy. As I got out of sight of the town, the unpaved road suddenly became boggy, and my sports car quite literally became stuck in the mud. I called in to Danath one last time and explained my general location and what had happened. I was now going to be on foot. I hung up, hefted my gear, and got out of the car.

I set off further to the west, entering the wilds, a mixture of woods, streams, bogs and overgrown fields. I had traveled about an hour and a half, when I got a good view of something unusual. It was a male foxtaur. I smiled and approached him. He suddenly flicked an ear and pivoted his head directly at me. When he did this, I got to see how handsome he was. But only for a moment. He bolted and vanished into the treeline. I sighed. They must be skittish creatures. I got to where he was sitting and found a broken leather shackle and some sharp stones. At least I understood what he had been doing. He had been freeing himself from a restraining device. I merely nodded toward where he went, then I turned to the west once again.

Soon, night was settling in and I pitched camp, starting a campfire. It was good hunting territory, and I soon had a wild boar roasting over my fire. That is when I had my first bit of company. The handsome foxtaur entered my camp and sat down at the fire. I had to surmise that when I had not given chase, that made him curious. And now he was close enough to speak to.

"Are you hungry, my friend?"

He sat quietly, at first. It seemed he was warming himself next to my fire. Then, he nodded to me and held out his wrist. It had another leather shackle on it. I nodded in understanding, gently grabbed the shackle, and proceeded to slice the thing off of his wrist. I was careful so as not to injure him. Then, it was off and I tossed the thing into my fire. He smiled to me.

"Yes, kind sir. I am famished."

I smiled in return and shared my meal with him. Afterward, I gave him space inside my tent and gave him some warm blankets. He covered himself nicely, then, he lay himself directly beside me.

By the following morning, I awoke feeling stiff, and my curious friend was gone. I wanted to ask him some questions, but... oh well. He was gone now. I packed up my camp and continued my trek to the west.

I didn't make much headway on the second day. The weather decided to be a bitch, and it began to rain. I got pretty soaked. Fortunately, I found a dry cave and went inside to wait the storm out. I set up my camp first, then after I got my campfire going, I got out of my wet clothing, strung up a makeshift clothesline, and hung them up to dry. I had only been in the cave for an hour, when I was joined by several male foxtaurs. I found it odd that they chose the same cave to take shelter in. Then, I noticed my handsome friend from the night before. He padded over to me and hugged me, introducing his friends to me. They gave me a good snuffling and hugging.

After another shared meal with my guests, I tagged my first friend's furry arm lightly.

"I want to ask you some questions. I am looking for a wizard's dwelling. He has captured several of my friends from far away. I want to free my friends. Can you tell me where the place is?"

The foxtaur shivered noticeably.

"You don't want to go there, kind sir. He is a bad person."

I frowned.

"But I need to save my friends, like I did when I freed you of the leather shackle. Please tell me where it is. I will give you anything in return for your telling me."

He looked to me and smiled, patting my rump with his paw. That sort of got my attention.

"You want to sleep with me?"

He nodded his handsome face.

"That is what I want. Then, I will tell you where the place is."

I decided to grant him the request. I needed to know where the wizard's place was. Next time I would know not to say the word "anything" when bargaining with a foxtaur. He snuggled with me, and we both slept. At least, I hope he slept.

The following morning, I awoke stiff again and he was lying there with me, a happy little smile on his muzzle.

"I will tell you now. You passed the place yesterday. It was slightly south of where you walked. It is partly surrounded by a sticky bog, while the remaining side is flush with the trees. When you first lay eyes on the place, you will assume that it is a simple farm with horses, cattle, dogs, chickens, goats and sheep. The main building is more than it appears. You may find it about two and a half hours walk back to the southeast of this cave. Because it is still raining, and your clothes are still damp, it would be wise to remain here with us, until the rain stops."

The foxtaur gave some good directions, though also, he had a point. I didn't like traveling in the rain. So, I lay back down with my friend and snuggled his body some more. He returned those snuggles, and was soon asleep with his paws around me. The other foxtaurs chose this moment to make a huge foxtaur pile all around and on the two of us. I did manage to get some sleep in.

I awoke the next morning feeling stiff yet again. I was well rested, but couldn't explain that stiff feeling. The rain had ceased falling, and my clothing was dry. I got up and got dressed in my clothing and gear. Then, I packed up my camp, and headed off to the southeast. I was hoping that the foxtaurs info was correct.

I followed my handsome foxtaur friend's directions. It had dawned on me that I had not asked him his name, but there are times when not knowing is better than knowing. It was odd that I could still smell him on my skin. A required bath would be in order after this mission ended.

Finally, I came within view of the partially secluded farm. It was set up exactly as the foxtaur had said. Thick trees lined the back of the the entire property. A sticky bog surrounded most of the surrounding sides, except for a small thin path that led in to the front door of the house. Behind the house were the actual pens, stables, and corrals. I could see the animals clearly enough. Using my binoculars, I could see that all of the animals wore glowing collars. These were not like the one I had cut off of the one imp that I helped save years ago. They glowed with a blue light, though the fencing around each enclosure also glowed with the same blue light. I took this to mean that anything wearing a blue collar could not pass a blue barrier.

I approached the house, remembering what the foxtaur had said about the house being more that it appeared. At the front door, a small sign read "knock first; if no answer, then ring bell; if still no answer, skirt house to back yard and repeat procedure on back door." I thought this sounded plausible if the owner was too busy to answer the front door. So, I knocked on the door, then waited for a reply. I allowed ten minutes to pass. No one answered the door. Then I rang the pull-rope bell, and waited another ten minutes. There was still no reply.

At this point, I started skirting the house, avoiding the sticky bog as best as possible. Around the side, a small gate to the back yard had a small sign on it that read "do not feed the animals." I pushed open the spring gate and entered the livestock area, which was evidently the back yard. I satisfied my curiosity by walking around looking at all of the animals without touching them, then I approached the back door. I knocked on the door and awaited the ten minute time frame. When there was no answer, I pulled the rope to ring the bell. During this ten minute wait, the door slowly opened. Standing just inside, wearing a simple tunic, was a urisk.

A urisk was a Scottish water fairy that normally frequented lonely pools in near secluded locations. It appeared to be a male satyr in appearance, with a goat's or donkey's head, and was usually slender and quiet. He sported cloven hooves, a tail appropriate to the head's species, and likely, the genitals to match. The urisk was covered in fine fur, and had little scent, unless highly aroused. Urisks were solitary creatures, and were not known to herd together. Nothing else was known about them.

This particular urisk smiled when he saw me. I could detect a rather pungent aroused scent emitting from the urisk's body. He had the head of a donkey, with very long rabbit-like ears.

"May I help you?"

His voice was calm, almost child-like, though seeming very assured in it's speaking. I smiled back, glad no wizard answered the door.

"I am Jansen Tanner. I was told that I could find a wizard living here. Is he home? I have a matter of business that is very important to discuss with him."

The urisk never stopped smiling.

"He is a little preoccupied in a task, but you may come in. You must have traveled a long way to see the master. He rarely gets any visitors. Please, come in."

I entered, then noticed the wall where the front door should have been. So that was the game. If you knocked on the front door and rang the bell, no one would answer. If your business wasn't very important, you'd go away. Otherwise, you'd go to the back yard, where you would see the animals. And likely, some idiots would try feeding the animals. And likely, be magically trapped there in some way. I smiled to the Urisk, sort of scratching his head and neck fur.

"What do you do for your master, young friend?"

He really liked getting scratched!

"I do any chore he asks, though my usual job is to keep the bog fresh, deep and sticky. The master likes his privacy. Though on occasion, he gives me permission to entertain special guests. Like yourself, Jansen Tanner. If you will follow me, I will take you to where my master is working."

I nodded and scratched some more before stopping. The urisk's scent was a little stronger now. I followed my cute little friend down a hallway, then into a stone descending stairway. That is when I got the full gist of this place. It was literally a sunken castle with a farmhouse and fake farm positioned directly on top of it. A nice disguise. Guaranteed privacy to anyone working on things where solitude was necessary. I almost envied the owner.

We descended several floors, each time getting to see a whole section of the castle. The place was huge. A lot larger than I would have first thought. Finally, the urisk led me into a small five foot by five foot foyer and peeked through the obvious wooden door. He called out.

"Master? We have a visitor."

The urisk withdrew to stand beside me, within reach of my scratching fingers. He really really liked getting scratched!! And I obliged and scratched the urisk, while waiting to see who emerged. The wooden door eventually opened. Standing there in wizard's robes was a huge almost ogre-like beast, only he wasn't an ogre. He was like a jigsaw puzzle of various animals, all thrown together and given life. He had the head of a kangaroo, the neck of a boa constrictor, the torso of a bull, the left arm of a lion, the right arm of a wolf, the hands of a young human, the prehensile tail of a spider monkey, the rump of a warthog, the genitals of a stag, the left leg of an elephant, the right leg of a giant squirrel, and the cloven hooves of a goat.

The wizard simply stood there evaluating my reaction. My reaction was not what he expected. I extended my right hand and smiled.

"Forgive me for bothering you, sir, but I am on a mission to find some friends of mine. I was led to believe that the wizard living in this region of England could help me. My name is Jansen Tanner."

The beast wizard couldn't help but to smile as he shook my hand in his own hand.

"It is a pleasing change to see courage over abject screams of terror. I am Kobocobu Liwohu Mowastel Quirgo, though most people cannot say that. So, I allow the usage of the nickname of 'the beast wizard'. I see you've met the only friend I have that is not afraid of me. His name is Dumimoor. He seems to like you. Perhaps you'll spend a night with him. Please. Come in."

Kobocobu led me and Dumimoor into his workshop, closing the door behind us. Inside, the lab was huge. There seemed to be experiments going on simultaneously on every table. I couldn't help but to be impressed. It would take a very stable calculating mind to know what was happening on each and every table. Then, I noticed a large glowing pit-like hole in the central floor. I peered into the opening. Inside, standing on a mesh grid, was all of my imp buddies. Under the mesh grid, was a large kettle about one quarter full of a pungent fluid. I couldn't tell from here what it could be. I then spoke to Kobocobu, while still knelt down at the pit.

"Kobocobu? These imps are friends of mine. They are who I came to find. What are they doing here?"

Kobocobu came over and stood almost behind me.

"As you may know, a wizard can summon an imp to perform a service at any given time. My need for your friends is no different. I needed all of their help. One imp alone could not do this task."

I looked up at Kobocobu, then back at the imps.

"What service are you having them do?"

Kobocobu smiled.

"I am creating a potion for undoing unwanted transformations. The recipe calls for a whole kettle of imp urine. As you can see, the kettle is only one quarter filled. They need to produce three quarters more. The instant the kettle reaches that amount, every imp will instantaneously be sent home to where ever they normally live. Their summoned task completed. You must be a good friend to come all this way to find them. I respect loyalty in friends."

I turned to him again and saw that his facial expression was serious. He meant his words.

"Pardon me for suggesting this, but it may take a very long time for them to produce that much urine, unless aided. I suggest that you allow them to imbibe mass quantities of ale and beer. This will cause them to have to produce more urine than they normally would and you would not have to wait for such a long period of time. The end result would still be imp urine."

I couldn't imagine anyone wanting imp urine. But wizards are strange people. If they think that a given potion will work, they'll go out of their way to gather every ingredient. Regardless if the potion works or not. They do these things to prove or disprove what is written.

"That is a good suggestion, Jansen. By the orb, I have been waiting a long time. I will do as you ask. Thank you."

I looked down at the imps again.

"Is it okay if I spend some time with my imp friends? I have come a long way to see them. And I want to make sure they are well."

Kobocobu hummed, then smiled.

"I see no problem with that. They cannot leave the space they are in, though anyone else can come and go from there at will. Spend as much time there as you like. I will fetch the liquor."

Kobocobu left the chamber and I lowered myself into the pit to the mesh where the imps were. Of course, when they saw me, they all pounced me and hugged all over me. I explained to them what Kobocobu was after and how they'd instantly be free afterward. They were very understanding and would do anything for me. When Kobocobu returned with the liquor, I helped feed each of the imps mass quantities of the liquid. After a few hours, the imps were producing like mad. I was sort of afraid that they had drank too much. Suddenly, in mid producing, a bell at the kettle rang and all the imps vanished, mid producing. I couldn't help but to grin. They were likely back in Saudi Arabia now, wetting down their caverns.

Kobocobu helped me out of the pit, then lifted the mesh, then the kettle. He carried the kettle over to a cooking fire and set the kettle in place. He turned to me and smiled, giving me a great big hug. He also kissed my forehead while holding me.

"Thank you for your aid, Jansen. I really must reward you. Please. Stay a few days with me and Dumimoor. I promise to make it worth your while. Dumimoor will show you to our room."

I smiled, surprised by Kobocobu's forwardness and gentle affection to me. Then, Dumimoor hugged me too, and began leading me off to a bedroom. Inside, I noticed three beds. Two smaller beds and one very large bed. It was to be expected that they shared the same room, and expected me to also share their room. Dumimoor showed me to a bed, and asked me to get comfortable. He then departed. I smiled and started changing out of my clothes to get some sleep. I was tired from keeping my imp friends entertained. I was pleased that Kobocobu had kept his word.

I don't really remember much about my stay with Kobocobu and Dumimoor. On hindsight, it was all a blur. I do recall that they hugged me a lot and were always polite. Must be a code of wizardry to keep promises given. When I was allowed to pack up and leave, I was given a magical orb, which could, according to Kobocobu, allow me to speak to him no matter where I was in the world. It would only fail to work if I was in another dimension. I packed it into my gear and bid him farewell. I gave Dumimoor a good scratching and a friendly kiss on his muzzle, then departed.

On my way out, I camped in the wilds one last time. I was joined by the foxtaurs who were surprised that I had survived the encounter. I played with them for a good portion of the evening, and learned some things about their lifestyle and history. I remembered to ask my handsome friend's name this time. It was Yorkley. We all slept in a pile that night too.

The foxtaurs escorted me back to my car and helped me get it free from the bog. That was extremely nice of them. Then, after they all hugged and kissed me, we parted company. They vanished back into the treeline. I smiled and got into my car. I called Danath to make an update. The old Tanner luck seemed to hold out once again. I filed my report over the car phone. I told him about the foxtaurs, Kobocobu and Dumimoor, and how the issue was resolved. I wrapped up the call by saying that I was going to explore England a little before returning to Athens. Danath thanked me for calling, then we both hung up. I drove the car back into Skipton.

After spending a night in the Chess bunker in Leeds, which included a most thorough bath and a hot meal, I got back in the car and began my tour of England. I saw many many sites and attractions, including Stonehenge, a staged Celtic druid's ceremony, and lastly, attended a medieval fair. It was at this "ye olde faire" that I tried my luck at an archery booth. Out of ten shots, I scored six bullseyes. It was a new high score. My training in Chess seemed to pay off pretty well. When asked what prize I wanted from the top shelf, I considered carefully, then finally chose a foxy looking plush unicorn. It stood as high as my waist and was extremely soft to the touch.

I was approached soon after by an elderly woman of long graying black hair, fair wrinkled skin, and emerald eyes wearing gypsy clothes and carrying a homemade wooden cane. She asked me if I fancied unicorns, to which I replied that I didn't disbelieve in them. Something about this woman set off my internal red alarm. I pulled out my ID badge and showed it to her.

"Jansen Tanner, Black Bishop of Chess. Who are you?"

She seemed to smile when seeing the badge.

"Ah good. You are one of them. I am Selena O'dale, a local gypsy woman and storyteller in these lands. I have lived here a long time and have quite a tale you might be interested in. If you are willing to listen to the rantings of an old woman..."

I put my badge away and escorted Selena via my car back to her home within the Dabenshire Forest. I helped her out of the car and into her home. After we were both sitting with tea and tarts, Selena thanked me then pointed to the painting of a very masculine unicorn stallion.

"I asked you if you fancied unicorns because I was concerned that you might become victim to one. Though now that I know that you are one of Chess' finest, I believe I can divulge a tale to you that you may find interesting."

I nodded for Selena to continue.

"Long long ago, during the age of knights, dragons and maidens... unicorns dwelt over much of the United Kingdom and Europe. The early peoples mistook that these creatures were a devil creature sent by the great serpent to beguile their children into the throes of evil and debauchery. It was soon discovered that the so-called devil creature, which Latin scholars dubbed as the unicorn, meaning creature with one horn, was highly attracted to virgin maidens. And the knights and hunters used this knowledge to murder the creatures as they were hypnotized by the maidens alluring scent. The unicorns that remained begged their leader, who is called the great forest lord, to request a magic that would make them immune to the maiden's scent."

I hummed and nodded my head.

"That was kind of foolish, wasn't it?"

Selena grinned.

"You seem to know much, Jansen Tanner. It was a foolish request; but they were desperate. Many were being slain by the foolish humans. The great forest lord contacted the greatest magician of all time and repeated his people's request for the magical immunity. The great magician knew that this was a foolish request and knew what the results would be, but... he reluctantly granted the request, and taught the great forest lord the magical ceremony that would ensure that all unicorns living within their main forest would forever be immune to the maiden's scent. The great forest lord returned to his home forest, and under the cover of night, performed the magical ceremony, exactly as the great magician had taught him."

She sipped her tea, then continued.

"Then, he gathered all of his people, and had them repeat the Latin oath of magic that would grant them the immunity. Accepting the oath also enforced the unicorn speaking it to join the great forest lord's herd. Many joined the herd during the coming weeks. And true to the great magician's word, the maiden's scent no longer interested them. However, no female scent interested them from that time on. As the great magician knew, if you lost interest in a female scent, you would be forced to enjoy the male's scent more. The unicorns were soon befriending young lads and knight's squires, all with the same eventual results: the boy would ask to join the herd and become a unicorn. When enough boys had vanished, the kings asked the great magician to make it so the devil creature could never leave their accursed home forest, or suffer great internal pains, and eventual death. Again, the great magician reluctantly granted this foolish request. Soon afterward, the great magician vanished, tired of being bothered by people."

I grinned when I pictured the great magician finally getting fed up with the stupid people.

"His name was Merlin, wasn't it?"

Selena giggled and grinned also.

"Indeed. Though you are likely to never see a unicorn yourself, know you that they are real and still live to this day. And yes, they still seek young lads and squires to befriend, though in this day and age, there have been fewer to find that they would like. They quickly discovered how rash their decision had been all those centuries ago. I feel sorry for them, but I have made it my business to warn handsome males, like yourself, about the unicorns within this forest."

I hummed, a thought crossing my mind.

"Are the unicorns in other parts of the world unaffected by this curse, as it seems to be?"

Selena smiled to me.

"No, they have retained their normalcy. Though today, you can find unicorns all over the entire world. Even in Antarctica and in the wilds of the North Pole. Even in the great deserts of the world. They live everywhere. Though, you'll only see them if they wish you to see them."

Selena and I talked into the evening, then I was given a guest room to sleep in, though it was literally a room right next to a horse's stall. I didn't mind. Selena had been very kind and told me a good story. But that is all it likely was. A story. She had said from the start that she was a storyteller. I settled down and slept.

The following morning, I had breakfast with Selena, then after a friendly farewell, I began driving down the winding forest road. As I was rounding a bend in the road, standing there in all his glory was the great forest lord. I stopped the car and rolled the window down. He was like most unicorns, just very large and ghostly white. He smiled at me.

"A single glimpse, Jansen Tanner of Chess. What are dreams without discountenance? What are stories without a view of reality? If you wish to see unicorns again, return... and I will show you my herd."

With that, he licked my face, then turned and entered the forest. He was gone from sight in no time. I was pretty shocked that he chose to reveal himself. Then I smiled. He had been kind of handsome. But I was a Tanner. I had work to get back to... though the offer was tempting... I rolled the window back up and resumed my drive back to the Chess bunker in Leeds.

---

She smiled as she could just imagine Jansen and the unicorn together. Then she thought about the mogrelman wizard and his cute little urisk servant. And she chuckled about the foxtaurs too.

"So he ended up having fun in England. Speaking of fun, I will have to call Madame Blue and purchase some more decorations for this Saturday. The ones I have are sort of ratty looking, and I have to make a good impression to the others."

She again resumed reading Jansen's agent history.

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