Ch 4: Showtime!
A First For Everything Ch 4: It's Showtime! copyright 2012, comidacomida
Despite the auspicious occasion, that morning started much the same as any other-- except for the fact that I was up at 4am thanks to the excitement. I was out of the shower and dried off by the time Jason was up, and he and I sat down at the table together for breakfast; I had some prepackaged doughnuts and he had some coffee-- it was KINDA breakfast, at any rate.
Jason gave me the overview of the day, starting with the fact that he and I would be heading out by seven since he was due into the studio around seven thirty. JD wasn't going to be going in with us because he wasn't expected at the set until two hours later. Something about the time line seemed off, and I had no problem bringing it up.
"Isn't Dog-Eat-Dog recorded live?" I questioned, licking powdered sugar off my fingers, "How can you film it late morning if it airs at night?"
The human smiled in a good humored manner and answered quite simply, "You said it yourself, Sullivan. Dog Eat Dog is RECORDED live... if it were going to play on the TV at the same time as when it's filmed then it would be BROADCASTED live."
The simplicity of his answer made me feel stupid... OBVIOUSLY there's a difference. Regardless, the plain, patient smile he showed me quickly helped me dismiss the foolishness of my question, "Oh." I closed the doughnut box, "So why bother doing a live show at all?"
His smile widened, "So we can have an audience." he explained, "Dog-Eat-Dog is about having a conversation and listening to discussion. Not everyone is able to come to the studio so we broadcast it, but having an audience while we record means that some of them will get to ask questions that the folks at home can't do themselves... it's about being responsive to the public and helping people see different points of view."
"I see... I guess." I took a moment to absorb the answer, "So taping begins at ... what... ten then?"
Jason nodded, but not in confirmation, "We start letting the audience in at ten." he took another sip of his coffee, "Usually the studio has about an hour of entertainment first. It gives us a chance to get everyone warmed up while I finish the last of my prep and have a chance to talk to our guests before the show."
"Get everyone warmed up?" I couldn't help but latch onto that comment, "What-- the crew likes to do yoga before you start?" it wasn't meant to be a smart ass remark, but, looking back, I think it might have come out that way.
Regardless of how I said it, Jason didn't take offense, which was good, because I hadn't meant to insult him. He answered the question with insight and a smile, "The audience needs to be warmed up, Sully." he noted, and, draining the last of his coffee, he explained, "The before-show entertainment gets people into a good mood, and puts them in the right frame of mind for listening and watching... that makes a big difference in any live recording where you don't get to have multiple takes."
It was a big moment of insight for me, and it only went on from there. I grabbed my jacket while Jason got the car keys, and we continued our discussion as we went down to the car. I don't feel ashamed at all to say that Jason Campbell was one of the biggest celebrity crushes I had when I was a teenager-- and no, I mean that in the PLATONIC way. If you spent any amount of time with him you'd know exactly what I mean.
I was obviously star-struck through the duration of our ride, but he made it easy to contribute despite the awe that still hadn't left me. The thing I learned early on about Jason is that he's the real thing-- he's genuine. The way he presents himself on TV is exactly what you get out of him when he's not; Jason Campbell isn't a character... he's Jason Campbell. That is exactly the human that drove me to the studio, smiling, laughing, and commenting back and forth about life in general.
We talked a little about my life in California. We discussed school, my grades, and my nanny... which ultimately led to a discussion about my mom, and about JD's relationship with her. Although Jason was able to remain an impassive-but-interested listener for much of the conversation, when Rita came up I could tell that there was more to his questions than friendly curiosity-- there was an element of concern... maybe even pain. It didn't take long for me to make the connection that Jason might not have agreed with JD's decision to keep her out of his life... but I let the discussion move to 'easier to talk about' topics.
As we were getting out of the car, I finally couldn't contain my excitement about the taping, and I had to ask, "So what's today's show about?" I managed to turn enough that my tail could wag without getting caught in the car door.
Jason balked slightly at the question, but he motioned me toward a door in the parking garage labeled as an elevator, "We're discussing Human/Dog Relations."
"Oh." I nodded, thinking about all the other episodes of Dog-Eat-Dog that involved discussion on Burb Dogs, Leashers, and cross-species relationships, "That sounds cool." I waited for him to press the up button, "Are you running any clips today? Any research segments? Special guests?" My muzzle must have been moving a mile a minute.
"We're having a special guest, ya." he nodded calmly, motioning me into the elevator before following, "Do you know who Dr. Frederich Weditman is?"
"Yea!" I barked, then felt myself blush right away as the sound echoed around the enclosed space, "He's a human doctor working at a special mixed species clinic he helped start-"
"The Weidtman-Honey Institute." Jason confirmed.
"Yea! That place." I nodded eagerly, "He's also a Leasher... and his Dog's name is Honey, which is why the hospital is named like it is."
"Very good." Jason smiled, "He's our special guest today."
Despite seeing D.r Weidtman on two episodes of Dog-Eat-Dog, I could never remember him going into many details about Honey other than the fact that she was his Burb Dog. That brought up an important question in my mind. "Is he going to talk about his relationship with Honey?"
The elevator door opened and Jason stood still for a moment, then ushered me out. He followed a step behind and started off down the hall to the right. We had gone five steps before he clarified the episode's purpose, "This episode is about 'Relations', Sullivan... not relationships."
The difference wasn't clear at first... it took several seconds for everything to sink in-- JD's huge grin the prior night, Jason's hesitance to bring me, D.r Weidtman's presence for clinical questions; I'm sure my FUR would have turned red with the embarrassment I felt if not for the sudden interruption of someone calling Jason's name. That someone, as it turned out, was the day's special guest.
Dr. Frederich Weidtman, if you've never seen him, is not an iconic, Grecian-statue of a man with chiseled features and herculean stature... he is, believe it or not, just a man. He's the kind of person you could see on the street and walk right past, never knowing what contributions he's made to the world or how many trails he's blazed in medicine. He's not particularly tall and he's pretty much of average weight. No, I don't think all humans look alike-- he's just... well... regular.
That really does sum Dr. Weidtman up... he's 'regular'. Average height, slightly pale, and dressed in casual clothing, the only real thing anyone ever notices about him is his shaggy mustache and Albert Einstein hairstyle... that, and his faint German accent, which I think is cool to listen to. Oh! And his big, circular, plastic rimmed glasses... THOSE are really iconic. I know it all sounds comedic, but he makes it work... but I guess you'd kinda have to see him to understand what I mean.
Anyway, Dr. Weidtman met up with us in the hall, and, before anything else, he noticed me. I don't mean he took a casual glance my way, or he gave a faint nod and continued on-- Dr. Weidtman stopped everything, and turned directly to me, and did nothing else until introductions were out of the way. Jason was astute enough to help out in that regard, "Dr. Weidtman, this is Sullivan, JD's brother from California." I stuck my paw out, and the doctor gave it a firm shake while Jason continued, "Sullivan, this is Dr. Frederich Weidtman, Chairman and Managing Director of the Weidtman-Honey Instutite."
"Wow..." it wasn't exactly the most eloquent thing I could have said, but I still think it's a whole lot more well-spoken than my first interaction with Jason.
The doctor was very gracious about my tongue-tied greeting, and covered for both of us, "I can see the family resemblance in a physical aspect... but socially, Mr Sullivan, I believe your parents may have saved the lion's share of the grace for you."
I wasn't completely sure whether he was making fun of JD or me, so I had to ask, "You can tell that off of just one word?"
Jason and Dr. Weidtman answered at the same time, "Yes." and they both laughed. What can I say-- I laughed too.
After the initial awkwardness of having to get past his impression of JD (though he swears to this day that he thinks nothing but the best of him), I had about a half hour of time with Jason and Dr. Weidtman in a special back-stage tour of the set... it was AMAZING. As far as first meetings go, I apparently made quite a positive impression on Dr. Weidtman because he gave me an open invitation to visit him at the clinic.
About twenty minutes before the show Jason said I should find a spot in the audience. He left me in the capable hands of Danica, one of their interns. She reminded me of Nicole... but I guess that may have just been a combination of unnoticed homesickness and hormones talking. She was probably a college intern, and she was hot in a human-sort-of-way. She was nice and friendly and had great things to say about Jason-- when she started talking about how great JD was I figured she was embellishing, but I didn't tell her so.
I was shown out to the audience area where I spent more time reflecting on my private audience with two big name celebrities (of course, all celebrities are big name celebrities to a high schooler, right?). My attention was pulled right back to the present when they announced an end to the pre-show and asked for a few moments of patience from the audience as they went through the final preparations for the show. Patience wasn't really needed though because it took MAYBE two minutes before the lights came on and the studio announcer greeted everyone and welcomed them to the show.
From the start everything about Dog-Eat-Dog went smoothly. Jason came out on stage and took a seat at his host's table. He greeted the audience and went through a brief overview of the topics for the day. He did pause at the final topic, "Human and Dog Relations" and informed the audience (and the viewers at home) that the discussion would be of a scientific and professional nature but that it would be sensitive topic and cover material that could be considered inappropriate for-- well, you know the rest. I shrugged that thought off... right until Jason called Dr. Weidtman out on stage.
The graying-haired man was exactly as I had seen him less than an hour prior, but he was carrying some kind of collection of belts that looked like something out of a bondage video. I learned later (about five minutes later, to be precise), that it was called a Bulbus Glandis Interpolator, or BGI for short.
Now, for any humans who aren't familiar with the term Bulbus Glandis, the more commonly used street term is a knot. The way Dr. Weidtman explained the device, it was originally created for female Dogs suffering from a medical condition that made tying with a male difficult, dangerous, and/or painful. The female would wear the BGI during intercourse, and the male's knot would lodge within a catch specifically designed for helping with a tie without letting it enter her... uh... opening.
Anyway, the whole discussion was a little embarrassing... it was like being in health class but having six video cameras in there with you. When he started talking about more recent adaptations for the BGI, including added comfort for human partners, or to facilitate in anal sex... well... it was all I could do to keep from glaring at JD, who was off to the side, out of camera, staring at me through the whole presentation-- he even blew me a kiss at one point. Did I mention JD is an ASS?
When Dr. Weidtman finally put the BGI away, he went straight into his next topic, which I hoped would be a little less 'sensitive topic considered inappropriate, yada yada yada... but it was pretty much just as bad. He began his NEW chosen discussion by holding up a medical container that looked a little like a glass soda bottle. In it was a long, slender bone. "This, is a baculum, also known as an os penis or a penile bone." Yea... out of the frying pan an into the fire.
One common insult among young pups is to call someone a 'dick bone', so I guess it's only natural that most humans know that dogs do have a bone that humans don't, and I think it's pretty obvious the bone we're talking about... the one... 'down there'. Well, according to Dr. Weidtman, the number of Dogs undergoing elective surgery to have it removed had been increasing for some ten or fifteen years. The Penal Ostectomy procedure had originally been developed in the 70s as an emergency surgery but it had since become elective.
Dr. Weidtman did a really good job of making a point against the procedure without actually saying he didn't recommend it. He explained some of the problems, such as what complications could arise, but also certain side effects, ranging from difficulty urinating, impotence, and something he called ESS-- Empty Sheath Syndrome. He explained ESS, but I was already reeling from all of the other stuff he said so I wasn't exactly sure what it was at that time... I later looked it up on the internet, and let's just say I'm glad I never thought about having that surgery... urgh.
So, as he was wrapping up the discussion about reasons why a Dog might choose to have his baculum removed, one of the main considerations that came up was a preference from a partner. Dr. Weidtman's only direct input on ostectomy came right then when he said, "If you are thinking of undergoing an irreversible procedure for the happiness of someone who cannot accept you wholly for who and what you are then you are doing it for the wrong reason. If that person cannot love you as you are then they are not worth it. Save your money, and save your body."
He accepted questions from the audience at that point. At the time, I was surprised at how proper and well-adjusted the questions were considering the subject material; I learned later that one of the reasons the studio takes time to warm the audience up is that they would use the opportunity to look for any possible trouble-makers and make sure that they were dismissed. The chance for me to duck low in my seat and let the constantly shifting attention from questioner to answerer was a bit of a relief, and I actually learned a few things too!
Dr. Weidtman went over the questions like a consummate professional. He confirmed that, while it was true that humans and Dogs did not share most species specific sexually transmitted diseases, either species that had multiple partners could transmit the diseases between them as an intermediary. He cited, for example that, while HIV could not infect a Dog, the Dog can have sex with an HIV positive human, and pass it onto another human any time within four months or Hepatitis, for example, anytime within four days.
He also explained that the cross-contamination issue is not for Dogs alone. Human can pass Canine Herpes or CTVT between Dog partners for a matter of weeks. Dr. Weidtman also mentioned that some STDs, such as Brucellosis were transmittable between both species. He finished that thought by repeating that, even though humans and Dogs are not cross fertile, safe sex is always a good idea. After that discussion I bet everyone in the audience was probably willing to agree with him.
Thank god that Jason chimed back in that the Q&A time was up and that he wanted to thank Dr. Weidtman for coming. Dr. Weidtman thanked Jason as well, and they took that time to cut to a commercial. The response from the audience when the cameras went down was a mixed one. Several people continued to ask questions, and Dr. Weidtman was only too happy to keep answering, but quite a few audience members, like me, just sat back in their chair and let out a sigh. Yea, it was important info and yea, I know I'm a better Dog for having learned it, but it doesn't help that it was embarrassing as hell.
The rest of the taping went really well, and, as the show was wrapping up it came time for the final interaction with the audience. Jason offered people a chance in the audience to stand up and make announcements. It's a really cool thing, if you've never seen it; a young terrier couple stood up and announced their wedding date; a middle aged weimaraner lady in glasses stood up and reminded everyone to vote; that cute intern Danica announced her one year anniversary coming up with her boyfriend Howler (I sighed)-- and a certain asshole older brother bull terrier had the crew turn the stage lights and cameras on his brother visiting from out of town. The fact that I'm still alive proves that at least I didn't LITERALLY die from embarrassment.
Once the show came to an end I had the honor of going out to dinner with my favorite TV personality and the half-brother who deserved the 'accidental' spilling of a drink in his lap. For reference: if you are ever going to purposefully dump cold water on someone make sure you add salt to it first-- if you don't know what I'm talking about go back and review high school chemistry involving the properties of water.
For a good fifteen or twenty minutes dinner was nice and relaxing and I had Jason all to myself; JD came back from the bathroom bow legged. Have you ever heard that story about 'the shot heard round the world'? Well... according to JD, the icewater-in-the-lap was that shot, but I continue to point out that he played the part of the British thanks to the shout-out in the studio. Either way, I figured that things were back to even after dinner-- I was wrong.
When we got back home, Jason headed off to answer a message from the studio and then check email. JD said he had to 'drop the kids off at the pool' and then planned to take a shower so that left me with some quiet time... and, let me tell you, after an entire day visiting a studio, rubbing elbows with TV personalities, and having dinner with my celebrity crush (again, purely platonic!), I wasn't exactly ready to unwind.
You know how everyone has a favorite way to blow off steam? Well, it's a little embarrassing, but my preferred method is rocking out. I don't mean grabbing a pair of wooden sticks and smack pillows, and I don't mean grabbing a hair brush and belting out badly sung lyrics from whatever-band-from-the-seventies... I mean good old fashioned rocking out-- grabbing anything that looks even a little like a guitar, turning on the CD player, hitting random, and working your 'ax' like a pro. In this case, the CD in the player was Queen... and apparently JD has good taste in music because the broom in my paws rarely sounded that good.
So... there's one thing about unwinding in my chosen manner that is of greatest importance: you have to rock out like nobody's watching... little wonder that I waited until Jason was busy and JD was showering. Have you ever had one of those moments when you THOUGHT you were alone but were later proven wrong? Well... let's just say that JD takes fast showers, and he is NEVER without his cell phone-- he has a smart phone that takes very high resolution pictures... and videos. I don't need to go into too much detail to explain that the British had come by sea and I didn't see the two lanterns.