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okay so this is like the coolest, most violent story about the most cool thing I was ever in. I found out that my uvula brain, Vuvezuela the Uvula, actually has a mind of its own, and so do my kneecaps. But they are too dumb to have names. It turns out that Vuvezuela is really stupid though, even though he's smart enough to write documentaries of my life. I use backups from different brains in my body like his to reconstruct events into a sum total of 100% historical accuracy, but the parts don't necessarily meet your ordinary standards of scientific precision. Here's his account of the most violent adventure.

Okay so like one time I was scurrying along a wall and doing one of those run up it and then down to the floor, and getting shot at and deflecting everything and getting hit by some stuff but it doesn't hurt because I'm made of special metal ceramic bio acoustic dampening materiel, when suddenly my girlfriend shouted behind me, and she was fine, but she wanted my attention probably to tell me how hot she was and how bad she wanted my uvuala body to have hot sex with her uvula body, so I turned around and shots were bouncing everywhere and I just stopped and said, "What?"

And the hot fox dog fennec weasel babe said, "You're leaving everyone behind, we're going to get our rear hit if you don't stick with us." And then I passionately kissed her and she smacked the shrit right out of my face, because obviously I had read her wrong or something. So I said, "Would you prefer to get raped from the front, the back or both? Take your pick, I'm not choosy." And she smacked the shoot off of my dirty lips again and then kneed me in the groin and then shoved me into the fire from the front, and said, "You don't want to cover our asses, your ass will be our cover." And I got shot in the ass. Actually, I said, "Both of my asses are getting shot! I liked it better when I was frontally assaulting their fortified positions to secure a forward rest point for situational reassessment!" And then I remembered another flashback that would give me inspiration for my current situation.

~~~~~~~~I remember....back when I was having hot uvula sex with a marmot babe. It was not my first hot uvula sex, no, not by a long shot. We were doing sweet uvula position 5. The Hot Gland. Ah. Those were the times.~~~~~

Then I unflashed back. "Feasox! I know what to do! Take over getting ass-shot for a second while I double back!" "What?! You're an idiot, joedude97, but I trust your instincts completely!" And she stood there and did jack shett. I ran over everyone's heads because the hallway was really crowded, towards the guards that were swarming the rear. I started doing kung fu throws and shouted, "Do a mosh-pit people!" And they handed the guards over their heads and put them around the corner where the fire was coming from. And there was blood and it was like minced meat everywhere and there was bone and severed limbs and screaming and then suddenly not screaming and knives and swords and sharp things and grenades and crying and not fun stuff and I just laughed and said, "Oh boy, fellas this is too much! I've had such a time tonight, gang! What say we drop by the soda jerk and jerk off some soders!" And we pushed the bodies of the guards forward and they took the bullets but some of the bullets got through and the bodies didn't stop the poison gas and fire and we kept pushing but it was still like a hundred feet and they had the advantage of cover and I'm not good against really fast miniguns.

Feasox said, "Ouch, goddamit," but kept pushing the bodies and they felt like sea cucumbers. And then my spirit uvula animal spoke unto me.

~~~~~His appearance was like a shining gland, bright and wondrous and dangling. He was a uvula cheetah. "Me sire," said I, and kneeled before his specter. "And stay" down there, wench!" And then I remembered that I was a transgendered uvula. "Wanna blow job or something, dude?" "Um, I don't know, I guess. I mean I'm not really into that sort of thing, but if you really want to I won't stop you." "Oh no, I'm not I just thought you were." "Ah," said the spirit jiggling his holy self, "I've got a message, faggot." "What is that, me duke?" "That you're a faggot." "DAMN IT!!! You are the worst flukking dukula ever! Get the fluck out of my goddam waking vision!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And so it was that pretty much every flourking person in the hallway got killed because Feasox was too much of a bitch to let me do things my way, and also because of bad intelligence and moles and old floor plans. That was, it WOULD have if I weren't such an awesome muthalovah, and because Feasox has such a hot hot hot medium sized but well-toned butt. I said, "Feasox, get on the me if you want to live and maybe have sex later!" And she looped her arms around my arms and we were back to back and held on, and her butt and my butt touched and hers had too much clothes on but mine is mostly bare and sexy and our anuses could never have touched because her ass is too muscle and fat and big and mine is too muscle and metal and besides has blast doors. and then we did like a somersault thing where she would shoot when she rotated around to face the guys and I would run and then shoot some and we took turns reloading and shooting but I did all the running though, and she mostly just hung on and finally we dodged all the way to where the minigun was and she was shot up and I was shot up and we were both tired but this was the whole reason why we did all the getting shot to be here to kick their anuses up to their rectums.

There were snipers and the whole area once the hallway opened up was a big veranda and insanely wide and lots of lines of sites so that every position could shoot out at every other position, but all of the positions were sealed up so that they were protected from fire from invaders and from each other's crossfire, and I thought, "Screw that, they still use materials permeable to the sensors that then translate the data to realtime visual feedback!" And we kicked and punched and shot and got hit after we broke through the barriers protecting the minigun and grenade launchers and I turned the minigun around and thought, "This isn't a good idea, the ricochets could hurt friendlies, and instead threw it as hard as I could at a sniper emplacement, and it fell short, but then it hit the ground and discharged like all the ammo at a wall and hit a sniper nest really far away, and I could see how the nests could be disassembled. And then I got hit in the groin but felt nothing because I have a really high quality jock strap.

After Feasox dislocated the last guy's head, we were safe, but the people back by the guard body fort were still getting shot at, and the bullets still went through the man jelly and hit the friendlies even though they were inside the protective layer of corpse and bulletproof suits. And the gas kept coming and it was fireproof gas, but we brought some temporary masks but they had holes in them and we were choking, but not me, because I had my helmet and teeth mask on and I didn't need oxygen anyway since I could make it from energy because of my fusion thingy in my head. "Time to fight fire with sniper nest barrier fire!" I said, and threw the much-lighter-than-a-minigun block of synthetic cloth-sandback-explosion-proof-stuff at one sniper nest after another until there was less shooting and I took out the rest of them by parkouring up and killing all of them, and then we did medical treatment and Feasox lived and we amputated one-quarter of her left bicep and it was anesthetized and I put my dick in it to show her how anesthetized it was and she looked over and smacked me on the penis.

It didn't feel good. And Feasox said, "Why the fuck is your penis way over there when it could be over here in my mouth, vagina, boobs, hands, butt, armpit, belly button, feet, or behind my knee?" And I said, "I don't know." And she didn't say anything and just snuggled up next to me and all the smelly corpses of the guards and I wanted to get going because it was like a death trap waiting in the veranda hallway, and decided to scout out to go see if I could find a mag-lev transport vehicle to hijack, or maybe a skateboard I could tie a rope to and drag Feasox behind me to a less fatal place. I did that really quick like in seven minutes, and thirteen minutes the rest of that was browsing through an old avian porn magazine I found in a snipers nest.

The ticket to our out was a gondola powered by propellers and it had one tank tread on it and motorized training wheels on the side. All one-hundred-and-thirteen survivors and six dead bodies that their idiot loved ones couldn't bear to leave behind because it would leave clues and because of some emotional attachment crap. It was like an amphibious vehicle, but I wonder if it would have been easier to walk out of there, because it kept getting stuck and we hit dead ends, and we would have to stop and unload everything to turn the damn thing vertical so we could get it around a corner and then back down and horizontal. But I made the whole experience more livable by singing my gondolier romance hymns.

We finally got out of the less dense part of the city and back into the inner water channels and half-catacomb, half-dock areas where everything was more crowded and tight and safe. And then some of the survivors could bleed to death in peace and the cries of mourning could be the musical accompaniment to the red hot and kind of sore and uncomfortable forearm sex I had with Sennogal, which was kind of awkward because her sister Feasox kept staring at us and not masturbating. And we tried to invite her in, but she was just like, "I'm in too much pain, I'm tired, I'm hungry, and this is quite possibly the worst environment you could ask for to make love in." And I was like, "Maybe that's why it's the best. Sex sucks the power right out of all the gunk around you. So what do you say, let's get sucking." And she just kind of snickered and rolled over and I flopped myself over her like a warm cheetah blanket, and kissed her on the cheek, which was probably statutory rape or something somewhere. I hummed my uvula song of the uvula heart. And we cuddled the fuck out of the darkness.

-The. What.