Chapter Seven: Despair
It's been a long time coming, let's see if we can shed some light on Modest's state of being. In explanation for my absence I'll say this: Finals and a lack of a computer are terrible things. Peace, folks.
~Chapter Seven~
A week passed since Modest used her knife in the Crow's Nest. The world had adopted a grey quality, a veil that prevented Modest from absorbing anything that was happening. She had stopped doing her homework and had ceased interracting in class. She had not added anymore stripes to her thigh, but she had considered it. Especially today, with Marcus's news. They had just returned from school and Naomi had come over. She acted coldly toward Modest, which was to be expected, but spoke quite warmly to Marcus. This also was not entirely unexpected...what was a surprise was when Marcus had responded in kind to the husky.
That familiar knife slid in its familiar place deep in Modest's chest, and then twisted. She barely noticed when Marcus came to her and told her Naomi was going home and that he had something to tell her. His words, much of his explanation, swam over her in a haze of unknowing, intercepted by that veil. One statement did cut through the veil: "and we decided to go out; Naomi's my girlfriend now."
Her breath caught, her eyes prickled, and she ran to her room where she sat heavily on her bed and breathed heavily, trying to catch her breath. It was like breathing water, the air around her though cool was thick and unwieldy. It did not want to move into or out of her lungs. She knew she wasn't having an attack from her lung injury, but she was beginning to panic; she couldn't breathe. She was aware Marcus would be worried and upset, but he would get over it. She didn't have time to waste on his troubles, she was dying here.
That sparked the idea. Dying. She was thinking metaphorically, but why not? She knew full well what medicines to take to end her life, so what's stopping her? Her breathing regulated and her eyes stopped prickling as she calmed down. A solution at last. Having a plan, a goal, a solution, calmed her. Her abused heart slowed its frantic beating and her lungs began to demand less oxygen. Her vision, which had started to display colorful starburst patterns often associated with hyperventilation, cleared.
Her mind was once again a placid lake.
The coming sunset would surely be the most beautiful of her life, but she wanted to share it with Marcus. First though, she walked to Naomi's house and knocked on the front door. Mr. George answered with a frown, and before he could speak Modest was talking.
"Hi Mr. George," she said. "Naomi and I had a fight last week and I wanted to apologize for my actions. May I speak to her?" He stared at her for a moment, then silently stepped aside.
Naomi was in her room, and looked up sharply as Modest entered.
"Please leave," she said tiredly. Modest nodded.
"I will, but first...." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I'm sorry. For hitting you, for yelling at you...I was angry and jealous." She hugged Naomi tightly, and tears were left on Naomi's cheek when Modest pulled back. "Please take care of my brother. I won't be able to." The puzzled look on the husky's face was the last Modest saw before turning around and running out.
She enjoyed the walk home; it was a warm evening and a pleasant breeze was blowing. Too soon though she was back home. Sunset was at hand, so Modest sought out her brother who was doing homework.
"Marc, come watch the sunset with me?" she asked. He looked up from his math and raised an eyebrow. "Please? It's important to me." He nodded and agreed and followed her out to the back yard. They sat on the grass, Marcus cross-legged and Modest leaning on him. They were both silent the entire time as the sun, first yellow, then gold, then orange, made its daily descent and finally slipped quietly below the horizon. Modest thanked him quietly and went to her room when it was over. In her adjoining bathroom there was a bottle of pills labeled Morphine. Inside were six fifty-miligram pills that were prescribed to her for lung pain. Normally children would not be able to get them for the pain she had, but her mother was able to convince the doctor to give it.
Modest was well aware that the two hundred fifty miligrams of morphine would kill her, and she knew it would be painless. She took the bottle out of the medicine cabinet and shook the six pills into her paw. How huge they looked now, in the final hour of her life. How heavy they felt.
She took them to her bed and sat upon it, grabbing her bottle of water, always kept next to her bed on the bedside table. Then, pills in left hand and bottle in right, she sat in the center of her bed. She distantly heard the phone ring, but ignored it and began meditating. One last meditation to reflect on her last sunset.
It was only two minutes later that Modest's door flew open and Marcus came in looking upset.
"Naomi called me," he said, his voice deceptively stable. "She seems to think that you won't be around anymore." Modest smiled and shook her head.
"That girl has an imagination, doesn't she?" Modest said. Marcus crossed his arms.
"What's in your hand?" he asked. Modest frowned and didn't answer. "Show me, Modest." His adamant tone and the glint of a tear in his eyes shook her resolve just enough, and she opened her paw, revealing those six white ovals.
Swift as lightning, Marcus snatched them from her and stuck his now-clenched fist in his pocket, leaving Modest to blink at him until she understood what had happened, at which time her tears returned. He was taking away her solution, robbing her of her peace!
Marcus let the pills sit in his pocket and grabbed his sister, pulling her to him. She clung to him like she hadn't in six years, since she had stopped having nightmares. He rubbed her back and held her the whole time she cried without questioning her any further. After a time, their mother looked in on them, but didn't ask questions because she knew her son would fill her in.
When Modest stopped crying, Marcus said one word: "Why?" Modest shook her head, expression set, and he knew she wouldn't tell him yet. "I'm here when you change your mind," he said, kissing her on the forehead.
~~To Be Continued~~