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Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;

Let him our sad, our tender story tell;

The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;

He best can paint 'em, who shall feel 'em most.

• Tennyson

1. Prologue

_ _

Later on that afternoon, after the misery had sunk in and Keurin had cheered himself up a little by moving Aderrian's Christmas gift - the portrait of he and Keurin - up onto his nightstand so that he could look at it each night before bed, Keurin went to work.

Keurin joined Markus and Anselm out back for a cigarette when business, as usual, died down. He greeted the pair amiably enough and half-listened as they bragged to one another about their latest nights full of romping with the opposite sex. Everything had gone back to normal, but a thought still burned in Keurin's mind.

"Hey, Keurin," Markus began, snickering to Anselm, "Just who was that guy? Your boyfriend?"

Keurin tossed the butt of his cigarette into the snow and laughed softly as it fizzled out. He turned and looked at the two brothers with such obvious agony in his eyes that it shone right through his pained smile, wiping the jovial expressions from the wolves' faces like a flat-palmed slap.

"No, no... Not my boyfriend," Keurin began as he looked out to the expanse of ice and sterility before him, "Not out here where the heart makes a fool of the mind."

_ Hey, mom..._ A long pause. I think it's time for me to move back home.

1. Home

Moving out of the cabin in Western Portdam was simple enough. All furniture there belonged in the cabin anyway, so there was no need for any moving trucks or trailers or any of that ruckus. Keurin had put in his two weeks' notice a week ago but couldn't wait any longer. Felix was sad to see the dragon go; Anselm couldn't hide his satisfaction that the faggot was leaving; Markus perhaps the most affected of the three although he wouldn't show it around Anselm. After all, who could Markus try to talk into banging now?

Keurin had stuffed all of his clothing carelessly into a few large duffle bags which he then tossed into the trunk of his car. After Keurin had double checked turning off the electricity to all appliances but the refrigerator, he left.

Now that the holidays had passed and spring was looming on the horizon (although, as was said before, you could never tell in Western Portdam. It was winter all the time), the highways were busy. It took Keurin six hours to reach Upper Portdam's city limits, but after that it was smooth sailing all the way back home. As he did a few weeks earlier coming to pick Aderrian up, Keurin rode with the windows down. The delicious, salty air filled his nostrils, swept through his hair, and tickled his throat. It swept away the smoke from his cigarette. The sun had long since descended below the horizon, the only evidence of its existence being a sliver of pink resting snugly on the ocean. The softly glowing numbers on the car radio read 1:30. The embers on the end of Keurin's smoke glowed in the darkness between his first two fingers.

Regardless of how late it was, Keurin's mother, Anne, still went out to meet him as he pulled up. After giving him a hug and planting a couple hundred kisses all over his face, she shoved him out of the way, yanked the duffle bags out of his trunk, and bolted into the house, laughing and crying all the way. Keurin hung back and watched her. She was happier he was home than he, himself, was... but perhaps that was normal. She didn't have the memories he had regardless of how far reaching the tremors of his and Marc's breakup were and who it had affected. The night was cool and clear, and the moon stared down at Keurin like one totally white eye, watching over him as he went into the house.

"Barring the closet space I... borrowed," Anne smiled sheepishly, "for a few of my outfits, I haven't changed a single thing in your room, Keurin," his mother said, having already unpacked and put away all of his clothing. "I'm so glad you're home!"

"Yeah, me too... But mom..."

"Yes?"

Keurin shook his head, "Nevermind. We'll talk about it in the morning."

"You sure? You really shouldn't go to bed with things on your mind."

"Please, mom, I'm beat. Tomorrow."

Anne nodded softly and hugged him saying, "All right, sweetie. Good night," before smiling at him and going to bed herself.

"Night, mom."

Keurin looked at his temporary surroundings and noticed, with a bit of nostalgia and a bit of pain, that things were indeed the same. Although, through either coincidence or deliberately, Keurin's mother had bought him entirely new bed sheets so no memories or familiar smells or whatever would pop up and assault Keurin as he tried to sleep that night.

He undressed and flopped down onto the bed. In the darkness his red boxers looked as purple as his fur. He shoved his pillows into a mound against the headboard and lie back against them. The bright moonlight filtered in through his windows and fell across his feet. He curled and uncurled his toes, remembering fondly how much longer his bed had seemed when he was young; now his feet almost hung over the edge of the mattress. He lit a cigarette and watched the ceiling fan as it slowly spun. That's how life was sometimes: like a ceiling fan. It would always come back full circle - back to the beginning; a revolution; no matter how slowly it moved.

It seemed appropriate, then, that Keurin would move back home. Well... back to Upper Portdam; first thing in the morning he'd be moving to the condo downtown he had leased by phone before driving home. He would have gone straight there when he arrived earlier, but it was too late and the landlord was probably asleep. The photos he had seen on the real estate website were reassuring, however. It was a loft style, corner setup on the sixth floor. There was a pool too, but it was close enough to the beach to make such a thing superfluous. Keurin didn't plan on swimming anyway.

On a clear day, maybe he'd be able to see the cruise shop on which Aderrian was working. Keurin and the orca had been talking quite a lot, but the past two weeks had gone by without much contact between the two. The dragon assumed it was because Aderrian was working, and when he wasn't working he was probably relaxing or sleeping. He still hadn't told Aderrian he was moving back home. He didn't want to bother Aderrian.

I'm taking it slow this time. I don't want to overwhelm him with... me. Keurin put out his cigarette, turned over, and went to sleep.

The dragon slept until well past noon. Regardless of how long it had been, nothing would ever be as comfortable as your own bed. As evidence to this, Keurin woke up sprawled out on the mattress as if he had been unceremoniously thrown onto it. He sat forward and stretched. After slipping on a pair of pajama pants lest the chill morning air freeze anything off, he walked over to the window. Below him he saw his mother out on the front sidewalk as she walked to the mailbox. She was wearing a powdery yellow robe and pink slippers. Her hair was still tucked up into a night cap.

Such... mom'ish attire, Keurin thought.

Anne flipped through each of the envelopes and then hurried back inside, clenching the front of her robe closed with a fist as the wind picked up. Keurin placed his palm against the windowpane. It was cold, but not frigid like it would have been back in Western Portdam. It would have still been dark there, too, with the mountains on almost all sides, blocking the rising and setting sun, and the clouds blocking that particular star the rest of the day. Keurin had an odd feeling like he was on vacation, or skipping school; that kind of guilt you feel when you're out of place or should be somewhere but aren't there. He swallowed it and shook his head, closing his eyes. This was where he belonged.

When Keurin came out of his thoughts and opened his eyes, as though drawn to them instantly or unconsciously like an infant to its mother, Keurin's gaze fell into Marc's. The huskywolf was just standing there on the sidewalk looking up at Keurin. His face was unreadable; if he was glad or disappointed to see Keurin, it was impossible to tell. Marc blinked once deliberately, and left, slinging a jacket over his shoulder.

Keurin dropped his hand quickly from the window. He watched the man walk away and flushed in anger. How long had he just been standing on the sidewalk, staring up at Keurin? The dragon pressed his face against the glass in order to watch his ex-fiancé walk away just a bit longer

Regardless of how he felt and how he still harbored hurt and a grudge - yes, a grudge - Keurin wouldn't deny how nice Marc looked. Back then, in high school, the huskywolf had been thin to the point of being malnourished. Now he had filled out nicely; his arms were strong and large - not to the gross point of a bodybuilder, but firm and toned: the arms of a hard worker. His hair had been cut and was cropped and respectable; his chest spread taut under his shirt as though it had been hewed from stone. Even his ass under those tight jeans (Just who is he wearing those for?) was gorgeous. There was stubble on his chin. He looked older, mature. Good.

Keurin moved over to his nightstand and sat down on the edge of the bed. He pulled out the drawer and fished around inside.

"I was really messy as a kid," the dragon murmured as his hand disappeared under the clutter of old pens and pencils, a cheap, dollar store watch, some papers and napkins, and a few, small paperbacks. His eyes opened slightly as his hand closed around the desired object: a black ring box.

"There, so this was a good place to hide it, then."

Inside were two broad engagement bands. They still glittered brightly regardless of their wear and scratches and how many long, lonely years they had spent in the drawer. Keurin tried slipping his on, but it was too tight and didn't fit properly on his finger anymore. That seemed appropriate. He placed it back in the box and snapped it shut. He then repacked all of his clothing that his mother had unpacked the night before. After that, Keurin showered and dressed. He slipped the ring box into his pocket, stuffed himself into his hoodie, hefted his duffle bags, and went left.

His mother met him at the foot of the stairs.

"Where are you off to?" Anne asked, even though she knew the moment she saw the duffle bags.

"I... uh, I leased a condo downtown. I'm going to... well, move out..."

"A condo! But you just got here! Living here is free, you know!"

"Yes, mom, I know, but I'm also twenty-six."

"So?"

Keurin rolled his eyes.

"All right, fine, you win. Do you need me to go with you?"

"If you wouldn't mind. That way you can get a key and see the place and know where it is."

* * *

Upon entering the condo, the living room was the first room seen. There was a large, white couch before an equally large television. Two recliners sat at odd angles nearby. They were white, faux leather too. A glass topped coffee table sat squat between the couch and the television, perfect for dinner or as a nice footrest. A few glass and steel bookshelves sat snug against the wall to the left near the kitchen. To the right was the main attraction of the apartment, so to speak: the corner window and balcony, beyond which one could see for miles. Tucked back into the right corner was the bathroom and bedroom, basely decorated with only the necessities. The floors were a dark, red wood. The walls were white.

"Well, it is pretty. I'll give it that," Anne began begrudgingly as she stood before one section of full, floor-to-ceiling windows and looked down at the city below, and beyond that, the beach and ocean, both almost completely deserted. "How much is rent?"

"Four-hundred."

"Four-hundred! How are you going to keep up with that?"

"I have a lot saved up from my job at the Icechest and I'm thinking about looking for a job near here. If that doesn't pan out then there's a bar and lounge downstairs and I can work there. Or I'll start writing again." Keurin slipped his hand into his pocket and squeezed the ring box.

"Come on, I'll drive you back home," Keurin said.

"Have you spoken to anyone, yet?" Anne asked as they rode along.

"No, not yet. I went straight to bed last night. I don't think anyone'd appreciate my waking them up. I... did see Mark, though."

"When?"

"This morning. He was out on the sidewalk just staring up at me through the window."

"Why?"

"I have no idea! It was weird, almost creepy. Didn't you see him as you got the mail?

"No, I was preoccupied with not freezing my you-know-what's off," Anne laughed.

"Does he usually walk to work that way?"

Anne shrugged and shook her head, "I don't know. Maybe he wanted to see you."

"He looked like he didn't give a shit."

"I don't know then."

"Oh well. I plan on talking to him tonight anyway."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I've got something to give to him," Keurin looked at his mother from the corner of his eye.

"I always thought he was the one who gave it to you," Anne said playfully, smirking.

"Mom!" Keurin yelped and blushed a deep, angry red.

1. The Proposal

Keurin, back at his mother's house, sat on the porch steps. A gently smoldering cigarette burned between the first two fingers of his left hand. It was around four in the afternoon and the sun was pleasantly warm sitting among a golden blanket of sky, pockmarked by a few fluffy clouds. The dragon had no idea when Marc's shift ended and had been waiting for nearly an hour already. He wasn't even sure if Marc had gone to work, if he would walk home this way, or if he would take the bus or bum a ride off of a friend.

Where did he work again...? Ah, with his stepdad as a carpenter, that's right. That explains why he had put on some muscle; lifting and carrying wood, cutting it, assembling shelves and drawers or whatever; probably delivering them too.

Keurin shifted his legs and felt the ring box inside his pocket.

"This is going to be really, really difficult," Keurin mumbled to himself, puffs of smoke popping out of his mouth with each word.

Movement out of the corner of his left eye caused him to perk up. There was the huskywolf, indeed walking home. He looked far more ragged coming than he did going. A dark, cross shaped stain of sweat dampened the front of his tight shirt. His hair was clumped and littered with fine sawdust powder that made it look as though he had streaked his brown hair blond. His usually fluffy tail was flat and tired and trailed along behind him like a scolded puppy. Regardless of all this, Marc showed no sign of fatigue upon his face.

Marc walked up to Keurin without hesitation, with the jacket still thrown over his shoulder. A gentle breeze swept away some of the sawdust and ruffled his shirt. He still had that look of indifference, of not giving a shit, but his eyes betrayed what he willed his face to show: he was both happy and sad to see the dragon.

Keurin took another drag of his cigarette and snuffed it out in the ceramic ashtray to his right. He hopped up and walked over to Marc, slipping his hand into his pocket. His stomach fluttered and he felt as though he was blushing.

"Hey," Keurin said as he neared Marc.

"Hey," the other returned flatly.

"You look good."

"So do you," a pause, and then, "...When did you take up smoking?"

Keurin shrugged. "While back. Here." Keurin held out his closed fist.

Marc took the small box and his eyes widened ever so slightly.

"What's this about, Keurin?" Marc asked as he opened the box and saw his old engagement ring.

"That's yours. Regardless of what happened; I bought it for you, so it belongs to you. You can sell it if you want."

"What, because I wasn't born with rich parents like you, or because I have to go put in a hard day at work, you think I'm so hard up for money?" Marc scowled and glared at his ex-fiancé.

"This has shit to do with money. This is about putting old feelings to rest, once and for all. I'm sure your working with your stepdad as a carpenter-"

"How do you know that?" "Alicia told me; don't act like she hasn't told you what I'm doing-"

"Yeah, nothing. Still nothing. Take your damn ring and sell it yourself." Marc tossed the box onto the ground. The ring clattered around inside.

Keurin flushed in anger but held his tongue, knelt down, picked up the box and offered it to Marc again. "It's yours."

Marc slapped Keurin's hand. The ring box bounced back onto the ground. "Where's yours?"

The dragon's cheeks burned hotly. "I sold it," he said out of spite.

"Sold it! How much did you get, how much did the great Keurin get?"

Keurin was silent for a moment as he thought... and tried not to slap Marc. "Fifty bucks. The personalized engravings I got for you and I lowered the price."

"Why didn't you just sell mine where you were at it?"

"Because it's yours, damn it!" Keurin moved to pick up the box but Marc snatched it up off the ground first.

He reared back and Keurin saw what he planned to do. He reached forward but it was to no avail, Marc threw the box with all of his strength - and that was saying something. It flew well over the house and landed somewhere in the back yard. Keurin watched it disappear over the roof and whipped his head back around to face Marc.

"What the fuck did you do that for!" Keurin screamed, hysterical and red with fury.

Marc came forward and seized Keurin by the shoulders. "Listen here, asshole," Marc gave the dragon a little shake at that word, "I don't need your charity or pity or whatever!" His face was inches away from Keurin's. Fear flashed through Keurin's amber eyes. Marc released him.

The dragon held his left shoulder and rubbed it gently. "I don't pity you. Not one bit. You left me. I'm only trying to give you back what's yours Because, regardless of how bad you hurt me or how bad I hurt you, or how much of a complete jerk you were just now, the ring's still yours. Wear it, sell it, or give it to whomever.

"I'm not holding on to all the pain anymore, Marc."

"You're impossible."

"I'm impossible? You've got some nerve calling me impossible when you won't even do the simple task of taking something that belongs to you!"

"Impossible is stuffing yourself into a room hunched over a computer screen until four in the morning when, afterwards, you're so god damned tired that you almost can't make it to bed before passing out!"

"I did that for us - you! I was trying to support us; you couldn't get a job!" Keurin raised a hand, preempting Marc's outburst. "Through no fault of your own, I know that. I was trying to provide for you. I was afraid the royalties for my anthology would dry up."

"I know, Keurin, I know! But I didn't need a provider or some guardian angel or whatever; I needed a husband!"

"You had one, Marc! You had one!" Keurin closed his fist against his chest over his heart. It was beating erratically and his breath came out in heavy whistling breaths.

"Not at the end; at the end it was like we weren't even together. It was like you cared more about writing than me."

Angry tears welled up in the corner of Keurin's eyes, swelling into large beads before falling down his face. He drew back his hand to slap Marc, but the huskywolf caught his wrist. He started at Keurin coldly.

"You're such a jerk..." Keurin said, defeated. He wrenched his hand free from Marc's firm grip. "I loved you; I just wanted to give and do everything for you; I gave - tried to give - your ring back as a token that I still considered you an important part of my life: who I was and who I am and who I will be. Now it's gone, and you don't even care. I'm sorry I became angry with you, and I'm sorry I tried to slap you."

Keurin moved forward and kissed the corner of Marc's mouth. He patted the huskywolf's chest gently a few times.

"Be safe, Marc."

1. The Return

_ _

"Yeah. It's downtown. Yeah, near that Chinese place we like and used to eat at," Keurin said into the receiver as he walked from the kitchen to the living room of his condo.

"Oh, right, right! I bet your mom was happy you moved back home."

"Of course. First thing she did when I arrived was unpack all of my stuff."

"That sounds like her all right!"

"Yeah..."

"Have you...?"

"Yes, Alicia. I talked to Marc. It didn't go so well. I tried to give him back his engagement ring."

"Oh... what happened?"

"He threw it somewhere behind my mom's house. I can't find it."

"Wow, that was a bit of an overreaction..."

"No kidding."

"What'd you do?"

"I tried to slap him."

"Not cool, Keurin."

"Yeah, well, if I were you and Marc was Jacob, what would you have done?"

"...Slapped him."

"Exactly! Regardless. I apologized but I doubt we'll talk anymore after that."

"Don't give up hope, Keurin."

"Well, I hope we don't, so okay." Keurin could hear Alicia sigh softly. "Look, it's obvious neither of us wants anything to do with the other anymore, so it's best this way. I know you want he and I to have this fairytale romance where we get back together and kiss in the moonlight on some bridge over a calm lake... but that isn't going to happen, okay? He's moved on, and I need to move on, too."

"Hey, I just think that after growing up with one another that the both of you would have tried putting a little more effort into it."

"Alicia, sweetheart, for the first two weeks after he left, I called him every day trying to get him back. Even this stupid ring ordeal was just another last ditch effort to at least let him know I wanted to stay friends and that I still cared about him, regardless of what I've told you or anyone else. Yes, I still love the bastard."

Keurin held up his engagement ring, the one he had lied to Marc about selling. At the last minute, earlier that day in the pawn shop, he had changed his mind.

"But," the dragon continued, "it seems like he's totally moved on, past the point of wanting to stay friends... And therefore, so must I." Suddenly an image of Aderrian popped into Keurin's mind. The dragon longed for him. That was a large part of the reason why he had moved back to Upper Portdam. Here, closer to the ocean and the cruise ship's home port, perhaps he'd have a better chance of seeing Aderrian again.

I have to call him and let him know I've moved back home...

Keurin's eyes shot open in horror. "Alicia! I have to go, something important's come up!"

"What? Why?"

"No time, I have to go now."

"Keurin-"

The dragon hung up. In the next five minutes he was in his car on his way back to Western Portdam.

"I'm such an idiot," Keurin growled, slamming his fist on the steering wheel. "I can't believe I left it there... I'm such an asshole."

* * *

It was nearly midnight when Keurin reached Western Portdam. As usual the town was nearly dead and eerily quiet. Even a single day in Upper Portdam had been long enough to make Keurin forget how silent and lonely it was back here. After another thirty minutes he arrived at his cabin. He let himself in and rushed upstairs to the bedroom. There, on the foot of the bed where he had left it while packing, was the photograph of he and Aderrian enclosed in the copper picture frame that the orca had given to him for Christmas.

Keurin traced his finger over the designs carved into the frame. "I miss you, Aderrian."

Because it was so late, Keurin decided to just spend the night in the cabin instead of driving home. He carried the photograph downstairs and started up a small fire. The copper frame glittered like an amber gemstone in the soft light. Keurin kicked his feet up onto the coffee table and started to drift off to sleep right when someone came a-knockin' on his door.

The dragon, quite startled to the point of fear and recalling a certain poem about a certain black bird, hopped up. As he neared the front door, even through the fogged porthole window, Keurin recognized his caller right away.

"Markus," Keurin began as he opened the door. "What are you doing here?" The dragon kept the door braced against his shoulder as he stuck his head outside to keep the wolf from barging in... although he knew that, if Markus wanted to and really tried, he could barrel right over Keurin.

The wolf was shivering and held himself; obviously he had walked all the way to Keurin's cabin. His breath feathered out into thin, twin wisps from his nostrils.

"I just... I thought I'd drop by, you know?" Markus looked at Keurin expectantly, as if he thought the dragon would simply let him inside.

"How'd you even know I was here?"

"I couldn't sleep, so I was up watching TV. I thought I saw your car."

"You thought you saw me drive by and that was enough to make you rush over here? What the hell for?"

Markus shrugged guiltily, or perhaps he simply shivered.

Keurin laughed in disbelief. "I don't get you, Markus. You fuck me, and then you deny it and run away. Then you call later and not only have you accepted what you and I did, but you also admit that you're gay, or bisexual, or whatever the hell and that you really liked it... But you don't want to be with me - and that's fine! You're free to make that decision, of course! But then you look at me each day after and beg with your eyes to spend another night with me... And you get totally jealous of Aderrian... And then right before I leave, you make fun of me for being with him!"

"You're with him?"

Keurin sighed and closed his eyes, shaking his head, "You know what I mean. The point is: I don't want to be treated like this."

"I'm sorry, Keurin, but you don't-"

The dragon raised a hand to silence the wolf. "Don't. Just stop. Don't make excuses, I've heard 'em all already."

"Keurin, I like you, I really do. I wish I hadn't hurt you like I did. I feel shitty for it all the time... but I'm afraid to be who I am! With a brother like Anselm, can you blame me? Didn't you tell me that you had to pretend for almost twenty years? Don't tell me you don't know how I feel."

"Yes, Markus, I know your pain all too well, but you still can't hurt other people like that."

"I know!" Markus screamed in agony. "I told you, I feel guilty! Every night I go to bed alone and every day I wake up alone and I hate it! I look back and I see that I've always been this emotionally detached from all the women I've laid. Nothing but a hole to fuck. Then you introduce me to this being-with-another-guy thing, something I could have never considered on my own, and I realize that's what I've been longing for. When I think about kissing another man, my stomach goes all fluttery and my heart beats faster. When I imagine myself with the perfect person - my soul mate - it's a guy!"

What, has this guy been mainlining Hallmark specials for the past month and a half? Keurin thought.

"Even now I want to kiss you and take you into my arms and hold you and... you know, do it with you!"

Keurin blushed a little, his cheeks growing a slight pink and burning out here in the cold. He blinked slowly as the wolf panted after his excited speech.

"Look, Markus," Keurin began. "I understand this conflict you're going through. I do. I wish I could reciprocate your feelings. You really are a sweet guy, if you let your true feelings out. I wish you could do so more often. You're very passionate and you seem like you'd be a great boyfriend, and you're one hell of a lover... but you can't do this secret thing. I know you're scared of losing Anselm if you come out - you are gay, right?"

Markus nodded shyly, his eyes folding down against his head.

"Yeah, but that's something you have to think about and seriously consider, though. Only you know what's best for you. I can't decide that for you; Anselm sure as hell can't. Only you can."

The wolf nodded solemnly. "I know. You're right. But do you think I can even find someone for myself?"

"Yes, I'm sure you will. But don't think that just because you're alone right now that you will be alone forever. Love's a waiting game, and sometimes you gotta wait a while."

"Thanks, Keurin. I'll be going now, and I'll leave you alone from now on."

"I don't want you to leave me alone, Markus. I just don't want you to expect that you and I will start dating or have sex every time we see one another. You're still my friend regardless of what happened because I know you're actually sorry and you weren't ready to admit your feelings to yourself... And I know I wasn't innocent either when I threw myself onto you that night, and I'm really sorry for that."

"No, don't be sorry. It was fun I'm sure, and from what I remember I really liked it." Markus chuckled. "Obviously. Thanks, Keurin, you're a nice... you're a sweet guy." Markus cocked his head to one side. "I guess I gotta get used to flirting and sweet talking other guys."

Both he and Keurin chuckled again.

"Hey... can I get your number, though? Just to stay in touch. I assume you aren't staying long."

"Of course, Markus. 980-XXX-XXXX."

The wolf entered the number into his phone and sent Keurin a text message. "There, so you'll have mine."

Keurin nodded, "Yes sir, I do."

"All right, I'll see you later, Keurin." Markus hesitated, gazing up at Keurin with such large and deep eyes that Keurin blushed again and caught the breath right in his throat in a small gasp. Markus turned and began walking away. He reached the sidewalk before Keurin called after him.

"Markus!"

The wolf stopped and turned back to Keurin, looking up at him expectantly as his eyes glowed in the bright night and a few flakes of snow fell around him.

"You can't walk home in this cold. You can stay here tonight." Keurin opened the door fully and stood aside. "Come in."

Markus smiled a little and accepted Keurin's offer.

"Just to be clear though," Keurin held up a finger, "We're not sleeping together." "I know, I know."

"I will hug you though, "Keurin came toward Markus and fell into his arms.

The wolf, considerably larger than Keurin, swept him up and spun around once. He sighed softly, happily, his eyes shutting and his smile growing across his muzzle. Keurin's face was buried in the wolf's chest; he could hear Markus' heartbeat and feel it against his cheek.

When Markus set Keurin down, the dragon asked, "Are you hungry? I don't have anything fresh but there are probably a few frozen dinners in the freezer."

The wolf politely shook his head and patted his stomach. "I ate earlier, but thank you."

Keurin nodded and let him into the living room. A wood knot popped loudly in the fireplace, causing the dragon to jump and yelp in surprise. He turned and looked at Markus who was trying to keep from laughing. As he sat down, Keurin swept up the picture frame and set it aside on one of the end tables lest Markus accidentally knock it over.

"So... how are you and Aderrian doing?" Markus asked as he plopped his ass onto the couch.

"We're good, I guess. He's busy right now that the cruise ships are sailing again - he's a lifeguard - so we haven't talked in a week or two. I don't want to bother him, you know? I haven't even told him I moved back home even though he was part of the reason why."

"So he wasn't the only reason, then? ...It wasn't me that drove you off, was it?"

Keurin shook his head and put a hand onto Markus' knee. "No, Markus. You didn't drive me away. I guess a smaller part of me wanted to see my ex-fiancé again and get back onto speaking terms with him. I don't know, maybe I even wanted to get back together with him."

"You were married?"

"No, silly, we were engaged. His name is Marc; he and I got together when we were seniors in high school years ago. We dated through college 'til I graduated - I took extra classes and graduated a year early, you see - so while he was finishing up, I was working as a teacher's aide and publishing terrible writing."

"Why'd you and him break up?"

"I thought I was doing well - that I was making him proud and happy by working to help him pay off his school loans but apparently I had been neglecting him, and now looking back, I see that I really had been neglecting him... But I was doing it for a good reason, you know? I didn't want us to be paying off his school loans forever. I thought I was helping."

"That sounds reasonable. Loans are shitty. You're telling me he left you over that? Wow."

"I know I wasn't perfect. I don't want to paint him as the bad guy, the asshole, while making myself look like I was so unfairly wronged. I can see where he's coming from."

"No, Keurin, that's shit and you know it." Markus put his hand on Keurin's shoulder and turned the dragon to face him. "I may not be smart or have a college degree, but I can recognize total bullshit when I see it. You don't do that to someone who is doing everything for you; you don't give up and leave them after - how many years, four? - and being so close to being married, too! I have half a mind to kick the guy's ass for being such a douche to you!"

The dragon raised his hands to calm Markus. "No, no; calm down, Markus. It's flattering that you'd want to defend me like that, but I don't want you to hurt him. I still like the guy... regardless."

"Why? Why like a guy who's done that?"

"Well... I still like you even after you ran off that day."

Markus fell silent like he'd suddenly gotten a sour taste in his mouth.

Sheesh, I really opened a can of worms there...

"All right, I'll give you that. I guess." Markus said guiltily.

"I'm sorry."

"No, you're right. I can't assume to know the in's and out's of your relationship with him."

"It's just really complicated, even more so now, you know?"

"Yeah, I getcha... You gonna be all right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine."

The pair was silent for a while. They simply sat and watched the flames whipping back and forth in the fireplace. Every once in a while Keurin would feel the wolf turn to look at him and would suddenly grow self-conscious, as if Markus were evaluating him. Finally the wolf spoke again:

"So, you... still like me then?"

Keurin flushed ever so slightly. "Well... yeah. I mean I'm not in love with you, but... well I guess you could call it a crush."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you like me?"

"I dunno... you're a nice guy when you try; you're good looking, and I can tell that deep down you're sensitive and thoughtful. No one'd be so tedious when preparing dinner plate presentations if he wasn't careful and had an eye for beauty and creativity. So... I guess that's a start. I don't really know everything about you."

"Well, what would you like to know?"

Keurin sighed a little. "I know where you're going with this, Markus. You're a nice guy but like I said, I'm not in love with you, nor do I think I ever will be."

"I know, Keurin," Markus whined, "But what I want to know is why?"

"Because right now you live a lie, Markus. If you and I, or you and whoever, were to kick up a relationship, what happens in public? At family events or holidays? Will he be your little secret? Will you introduce him at dinner as your friend? Or will you beg him not to go? When family visits, will you push him out of the house and hide all of the evidence that he lives there?

"I know there's a huge difference between fear of retribution from family and friends and shame of being with another guy, but there's a point where the two become blurred and a point where you have to decide once and for all - because there will come a time when your lover grows tired and hurt of having to hide - where you will have to choose: him or your family... I wish it wasn't like that and in a perfect world it wouldn't be... But you'll have to choose. And I don't think you would be ready to make that decision, nor do I think Anselm would be ready to hear it and deal with it.

"So it's not your fault, Markus, and I understand your situation. But I also think that when you find that perfect guy, you'll know what you have to do. I just don't see that guy being me."

Markus was unsettlingly quiet for a long time, making the awkward conversation all the more awkward. Keurin watched the wolf intently as Markus attempted to process all of what Keurin said. The dragon half feared Markus' wrath; after all, he hadn't really been... nice or had used any tact when his answer, but he was growing tired of the wolf's insisting - either explicitly or otherwise - that he wanted to be with Keurin.

"Yeah," Markus began, his voice low and rough. "You're right. I guess before I go finding a guy, I have to deal with these things."

Whew... I dodged a bullet there, Keurin thought and sighed.

"But what about... you know, hooking up?"

"With me?"

"Well, yeah, not being drunk this time, and just... you know, doing it."

"Damn, you're really persistent, aren't you?"

The wolf looked away and began to fidget with his hands, his ears flicking back and forth. "I just want," he began, "to know what it feels like to do it when I'm sober."

"Markus, what did I say when I let you inside?"

"I know, I know! Can't blame a bastard for trying though."

Keurin rolled his eyes.

"I thought that since you aren't technically with that guy, that maybe..."

"I don't know, Markus. Yes we aren't really together but it doesn't feel right to be kissing and fucking while he could be waiting for me. What do I tell him? 'Oh, hey, I got humped by a friend while you were sitting on a cruise ship watching five year olds and their rich parents, no problem right?' That ain't fair, sweetheart."

"No, you're right. I'm sorry."

"You're a horny pup," Keurin laughed. He was relieved when the wolf laughed too.

"I can't help it, you're the first person I've truly been interested in... But anyway, mind if I hit the hay?" Markus said, clearly losing interest in talking as he became aware he just wasn't getting any tonight.

"Sure, the bed's upstairs... well you know where it is. I'll be down here if you need me."

Markus nodded and disappeared upstairs. Keurin placed his gift from Aderrian back on the coffee table where he could see it. He silently bade Aderrian goodnight and went to bed.