It Gets Better (Recovered Post-Crash Version)
#58 of Hockey Hunk Season 4
Hello, everyone!
As you all know, probably, SoFurry experienced a sitewide Blue Screen of Death on Monday, causing a whole day's worth of SoFurry activity to be erased from cyberspace. This unfortunately means that this chapter of The Hockey Hunk was also removed from the site, and hence, all the nice comments with it, too T_T. I'm now reposting this chapter, and hopefully you'll feel like dropping at least a small comment to recap your feelings about this chapter - and of course, if you didn't get to read it because of the site crash, please do now, and tell me what you think! I feel sad thinking about all your comments being lost - but the story is thankfully not lost, but well kept safe, and now we're ready to go on.
You probably also remember that I promised a special Wednesday extra chapter, too, and I am keeping my promise about that as well - you'll be seeing a second Hockey Hunk post today.
Thank you for reading, and hope you have a good time! Let's give a big applause for the people keeping this site up for providing us with this lovely forum for interaction and fun!
Cheers!
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"Hello everyone..."
_ _
Colin...
"I'm Lord Mistwillow, and...I would like to tell you all that it does get better."
_ _
Oh my God.
The tiger was sitting in front of his computer, I presumed, in a dark room, light coming from the side, a table lamp, perhaps, with the shadowy backs of books looming behind him...was this his study...I couldn't really tell...the tiger sitting in a high-backed chair, looking back at the camera through those glasses...
"...several furs have taken part in this project, advocating their support for the anti-discrimination campaign, as supporters of equal rights, and as furs, as persons who oppose to any kind of bullying."
_ _
My chest tightened. It felt like he was staring straight in my eyes...looking at that camera, sitting so steadily, in that quiet, environment.
"But I will take part as myself...as...Mistwillow...as a writer, and a man, who happens to be homosexual. This is my story, for you."
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That steady voice...not wavering even when he said those...difficult things...
"It is a lot about feeling different, I think. Feeling that there is something about yourself...something you perhaps can't really name, or point out, but feeling a strange distance between you and your friends. Something so private that sometimes you don't even dare to look at it yourself. You don't know what it means...or perhaps you do, and you don't want to face up to the facts, and the realities."
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Still he looked and sounded so calm.
"I was maybe fifteen years old when I finally realized what it all meant, to be different the way I was. I fell in love with a boy, a bit older than me."
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He was smiling...he was smiling.
"He was a bit older than me...senior in high school...and I thought the world of him. We never even talked...I never even said him hello...I was too shy..."
_ _
A gentle chuckle. Resonant, vibrant and gentle.
"...but I knew what I felt. I learned that I was gay...that I liked other boys...and when I could put that name to it, that simple name to everything I felt and I hadn't understood before..."
_ _
Oh, Colin...
"I felt so good...I felt so good...scared, but good. I finally knew who I was. I knew what meant to be me...and slowly I learned to understand it, and accept it, too."
_ _
Blink. The big, glasses-framed eyes were as steady as before.
"It's something so precious...knowing who you are...it goes beyond many other things in life. If you don't know yourself, then you can never truly be close to someone...have true friends...find someone to love..."
_ _
Why did I feel so tense?
He blinked again, and smiled.
"High school is a scary place, though. I knew what I was, but I knew that there were many who thought it was not a good thing. So I did what so many of us do...I hid...not behind facades of macho behavior and lots of girlfriends, no...I didn't do that..."
_ _
Again he chuckled.
"...but I never came out either. After I came out to myself, I didn't tell anyone else for several years. I was too afraid of rejection...of being bullied...violence...being told that I was going to Hell...I had heard it all...heard about it all that on the Internet...young as that place was back then...but there were places there, too, where people could talk about it...faceless...nameless...hidden behind a comfortable wall of anonymity..."
_ _
If only...
"...you are so lucky today, because there is so much more nowadays, so many online sites, for talking, for sharing troubles, for making friends, for everything. There is a community for anything these days, whether it's the fans of a book, a movie, a favorite food or even on something as fundamental as whether you are straight or not. You have the chance to not be alone...wherever you live, you can meet furs in the same situation, and hear their stories."
_ _
Not back in my time, I thought.
"Nothing is worse than loneliness...and thinking that you're the only one who has ever felt like this before...thinking that there must be something wrong with you...but you are wrong. There is nothing wrong about you, whatever you might think, or what someone might say to you, or something you might hear someone say about something. There are many voices, and they must be heard...for the good and the bad."
_ _
*sigh*
"I know it feels rough. It felt rough for me, and still, sometimes, too...but when you're really young, and confused...and might not know anyone else who is gay...maybe only ever saw someone on TV...and you think...that's not me...that's not like me...and everyone needs...role models, I suppose. I didn't really have anyone growing up like that...yes...I had my family...I had a good father and a good mother, but...they didn't know."
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Didn't I know... 'isn't that young Cooper girl a really nice lioness, isn't she, Rory?'
_ _
"I had nobody to talk to about those feelings, so I kept them hidden for a very long time. I kept it all close to my heart, and kept it hidden there, because it was only for me...my private, quiet feelings, that were meant only for me. Of course I wondered whether that would have to be like that for the rest of my life...it's easy to think like that when you're really young...especially if you're confused, and not sure about your feelings...not sure about yourself in general, perhaps."
_ _
I squeezed the edges of the computer. My breaths quickened.
"But anyone feeling like that...you guys out there...girls...boys, something in between, if that's how you feel you are...you should remember that it doesn't last forever. You grow up, and you'll feel more confident...slowly, to step out of your shell and start be more open about yourself. You'll find friends who accept you as you are...like I have, many, many good friends, who don't even bat a lid when I say something like commenting on some really cute guy...that's what friends are for...they don't judge, and they don't care who you like...they are your friends because they care about you, and they love you. And that is what is most important in life, too...to love..."
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...
"...and if you can love yourself, then you will understand that one day, you will find someone who will love you too...boy or a girl...and it will feel right...and good..."
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...
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...
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"...it's going to feel really scary at first, but that's not so different from how it feels for anyone. You're really naked...you're baring a lot of yourself, and showing that to someone for the first time..."
_ _
...
"...and the same goes for coming out, too. It's something really private, and it might not always go well...and that's why it is always up to you. You decide when you do it, and to who...and nobody else has the right to tell you when you should do it, if at all."
_ _
...please...
"...I've been out to my friends for a long time now, but I have not spoken publically about this in any interviews, or public appearances, because I've felt that it is something so private, that I haven't felt comfortable about speaking about it. I've felt scared, and nervous...all those feelings I had all those years ago...all those fears..."
_ _
I was starting to sweat.
"...in a way, I almost feel like I've been lying to all those furs who read my stories. I've had so many letters from furs asking me so many questions about my books, and so many furs asking me questions about me...and I've felt for a long time that by not coming out, I have been keeping away some things about myself. I know it doesn't matter for the books...the stories stand as they are, I just wrote them..."
_ _
Another of those resonant, dainty chuckles...
"...but...furs are interested about me too...the voice behind the stories...eager to know...eager to learn...and...without wanting to sound big-headed...maybe even looking up to me in a way...and that's why...that's why I've been wondering...can I really be a role model, if I don't stand as I truly am?"
_ _
A little cough. He was clearing his throat. His eyes were resolute as he returned to staring at the screen.
"I might not be able to do much, all told. I am but one voice, but I am a voice that many furs have heard, and my name, for whatever it is worth, is a name furs know. Maybe somewhere out there, even now, someone is feeling so lonely, and so...so different...like there's an invisible wall between you, and the others...and you feel like there's nobody else in the whole world who has felt the same things...and...if I could tell that someone...if I could tell you...yes...just you..."
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Was that me too?
"...if I could tell you that one day, it'll be all better...that you won't be lonely...and if my voice would be heard..."
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I hear you...
"...then things have truly gotten better, because of me, because of who I am."
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Colin...
"And what I am is Lord Mistwillow, a writer who happens to be a gay fur, and I can tell you, with utmost honesty, and greatest, greatest joy...that it will always get better, no matter what you think now. There's so much waiting for you out there...and if you are patient, and remember to be kind to yourself, you're going to discover so many lovely things in the world that might seem really dark and unpleasant at the moment. Don't let that bring you down. Remember who you are...remember that you are beautiful...and always remember that you're not alone."
_ _
That stupid tiger.
"And I think that's what I wanted to say, to all my fans, and to everyone watching these videos. I feel pretty good now..."
_ _
That sigh...that little chuckle that was almost like a sigh...
"...and I hope you'll feel the same, too, if not now...then some day. Thank you for listening, everyone, and I thank the It Gets Better project, for providing this platform for this message."
_ _
Another smile...now frozen on the screen...staring to me...unblinking...
Oh God.
I couldn't hold the sob back. It pushed its way through my chest, burned in my throat, and then escaped...painful, and making me shake. I blinked, and the tears fell of from the corners of my eyes, and my body tensed...my cheeks heated up...and my vision was nothing but a blur, as the warm tears flowed with every rapid blink.
Haakon Kjerulf says: I really no idea...even if they'd been kinda slash shipping his characters a lot...kinda suspicious, heh...
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I didn't care what the lynx was saying...making a joke out of this...no...this feeling was too much, this...
I put the computer down to the bed and rushed over to the door...pulled open quickly...the living room alive with the noises from the TV...Peter...Peter...the cougar sitting in one corner...staring ahead...
"Peter..."
He looked at me upon my harsh whisper, my voice breaking as I crashed down on the couch and put my arms around him before I could utter another word, and pressed my face against his shoulder and let the hot, painful breath out of me in a quiet roar.
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*
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See you on Wednesday!