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WARNING:

I'm known for writing fairly romantic, fairly lighthearted stories. This is not such a story. This one deals with some very dark themes... though it's not without its romance. Marked extreme for a reason, folks. It's gonna make you squirm, and probably make you sad.

This isn't meant to be a story you fap to (if you do, please do not tell me about it *shiver*). It's... experimental. It's exploratory. I was very hesitant to publish this... But on some level, I'm proud of it. And... I want to show that I can write serious stories too. Stories that aren't full of adorable and shiny and dramatic tension of the purely domestic variety. Straightforward plots and run-of-the-mill cliffhangers. Heh. Maybe you guys don't think I write that stuff... But, I'm more experimental than my work so far has reflected, and I want to broaden my library a bit into... somewhat deeper, more thought-provoking waters.

So... That's what this is. *deep breath* I hope it goes over well... I hope it's understood.

---

"...It reminds me of being a kid, I guess. A while, it was... until sometime in middle school. We used to always drive down to my Uncle's house in Dakota. So it reminds me of... sitting in the middle seat of the minivan. The side by the door, it was one of those old Demion Eurasias, before they put doors on both sides. Silver, with a dark gray interior. Carpets always matted with filth from my brother's soccer practice.

"...No, dammit, it's not f**king significant that I mentioned my brother. So shut up, I'm trying to answer your first question.

"Well, I don't care. Anyway. We'd drive down every year. Always icy, I'd watch the snowflakes and the windshield wipers, and listen to whatever christian rock station mom put on. Play on my gameboy. We didn't talk much, except when dad and mom started fighting about directions and routes and stuff. Mom went the same way every year, dad always came up with something different to criticize and some new route to suggest. Some years mom would go along with it and we'd get lost and be late. Some years she wouldn't, and we'd be on time and dad would be pissed off the whole trip.

"No, they weren't unstable. I mean, they fought, but everyone's parents fight sometimes. They weren't abusive or anything.

"Nah, not really. It reminds me of driving down there, but I don't really remember much about actually being there.

"Yeah, sometime in middle school. I forget why. I mean, it was sort of a tradition, and then it just sorta wasn't. But, I mean, everything was different after my brother's accident.

"Well, I was... it was later in middle school. He was playing soccer and ran out into the street and a car hit him and then ran over him. I was there, he was kind of a mess. Unconscious. Lots of broken bones and stuff, I don't know how fast the guy was going. He was in the hospital for a long time, had to have a lot of internal surgery. Some brain damage. He lost his right footpaw and part of his tail; they put a tourniquet on his leg, and they couldn't reattach his tail. Hella scars. They said he'd probably never be able to have kids or pee standing up. I think I laughed at him. He was in a coma, then, so it was okay.

"Yeah, a couple years on he was back to his normal a**hole self. Bit dumber, but he scraped decent grades in college. Even had some girlfriends, so I guess things couldn't've been too screwed up down there. Or maybe he was just really good at carpet munching.

"Of course I didn't envy him. I like being able to pee standing up. And having my foot attached. I mean, he just wore this special boot that wrapped his leg up and had to be careful on stairs, but other than that it wasn't a big deal. Scars didn't make him any prettier though.

"Well enough. I mean, he wasn't their favorite. It's not like they were thrilled to be paying the medical bills, but they handled it all right, and in all honesty I think they were glad to sell the minivan and quit buying sports gear.

"Oh christ no. Are you f**king kidding me? I was the rebel. My brother was the star athlete and all-A student turned tragic loser who had to have someone help him take a bath until he was 19. I just kept to my room so dad wouldn't yell at me. Though he came up often enough to complain about the music and my grades and the pot smell and the alcohol and just generally tell me I was a waste of oxygen.

"No, I told you, they didn't mistreat me. Spanked me a couple times but that was when I was little and probably deserved it. I was a bit... impish, I guess is the term, even when I was a runt.

"My sister, of course. Had everything my brother had - the smarts, the popularity, the religious devotion, and didn't lose it all to a radiator grille and a tire. Also she was pretty. Of course, they didn't know she was a slut who f**ked most of my classmates in her freshman year. I don't think that came out until after they kicked me out. Wonder if she got kicked out too, I never heard.

"Yeah. Freshman year of college, when they found out I was gay. I was still living at home, of course. So much for that grad degree I wanted. I was lucky to have a f**king diploma, after that one time they almost caught me with Rob Fieldcrest's c**khead tickling my tonsils. But I mean, jeez, you would have wanted that a** too, that guy was on f**king fire. Don't care if you're married to some heron or whatever. And he had the nicest c**k... I swear it was the most perfect c**k I have ever seen. And it was little, so it didn't even choke me too bad when he started facef**king me.

"Hahaha. College. That's what I think of when I think of college. Though, actually, that happened the summer before college. No, wait, I think it was the end of my senior year, actually. Dammit, can't even remember where I knew him from. Probably high school. It doesn't matter, I think he shacked up with some other moose and made little moose babies and never told anybody he used to pay the local f*ggot twenty bucks per wad. Made a hell of a lot of money off that f**ker.

"Oh hell no. He didn't kiss me and take me to dinner. Don't think I would have let him, either. Not then. Maybe a few years later... maybe.

"Didn't say that. He paid me twenty bucks to suck him off and to let him suck me off. He was too scared to take it under the tail, and my a** is an exit-only orifice. Haha!

"Well... I dunno about that. I guess I kinda rip on my sister, but I was kind of a slut, too. I'm just a better businessman. Hahahahahaha! Oh, gosh, I crack myself up. You can laugh too, you know, you don't have to be all serious.

"Man, your type has no sense of humor at all. All right. It was after I started dating Billy. It was actually kind of dumb. I was looking at gay porn and writing a novel on "satan's typewriter," as my mother called it, and wouldn't you know it, she busted in and saw what I was doing and the steamy butt-drilling I was doing it to, and that was that. Didn't even get my rocks off before I was standing in the street with my stuff. Only time I've ever shouted at someone with a boner, heheh. Not like I'm gonna back down over something like that.

"Yeah. Went to live with Billy. His place wasn't really big enough for two, but he always said he could fit me up his butt or down his throat, so there was always twice as much room as I needed, heheh. I do think he got tired of it, though, cause I didn't have a job and my parents called my loans, so I couldn't pay rent. He basically supported me. Such a f**king sweetheart.

"Well, what the f**k am I supposed to tell you? That I hated his guts from the beginning? I didn't. I loved him. He taught me... how to love people. That really meant a lot to me.

"Yeah. First one. I was a cynical jaded d**che and somehow he talked me into letting him in. I dunno how. I just know it felt... so nice, when he kissed me and smiled at me. God I loved his f**king smile. He'd dip his head down when he did it, you see, and look at you, and it'd just draw up the sides of his muzzle and shift the way his fur sat, and his horns would come up and ah. So f**king adorable. I don't normally smile. I'm not in the habit. But after a while he told me he liked it when I did, so I tried to remember to smile when he did.

"He was a goat, so yeah, horns. Used to grab onto them when he was sucking my d*ck. He always wanted to put his fingers up my a**hole, but I wouldn't let him.

"Well, we had a lot of sex. Being with me means having a lot of sex, at least, if you're a cute guy who'll lie still long enough. I only f**k girls when I'm drunk, sorry.

"Oh, I'm sure he did. I mean, he loved the f**k out of me, but I chose drugs and alcohol over him, and there wasn't anything he could do about it except try to love me harder. And try to f**k me harder, I suppose. He wasn't always in the mood. I think he knew I cheated on him, but sh*t, who didn't know that? He wasn't a dumba**.

"Oh, no, no, no, christ, we had some of the best sex I have ever had. Holy f**king sh*t that boy had the tightest f**king a**hole I have ever put my d*ck into. The first time I f**ked him he cried for twenty minutes afterward. He was a virgin and I like it rough. Bad combination. I mean, just in case you ever need to know. Tell your son or something. He's probably queer, isn't he; has he had a girlfriend?

"Well, yeah. I mean, I didn't do it on purpose. And he enjoyed it, I think, even though it hurt. He got used to it later. So how about your son? Ah, fine, I'll quit asking, it's just funny to watch you twitch like that. Just search his laptop for jpegs, and you'll know in a flash.

"Okay. Heh. Gonna make me all misty-eyed. It was... around christmas, actually. Funny that I think of that stupid minivan around then, and not him... I mean, considering everything and all. But yeah, around christmas on campus. Just before finals and all. He had this cute red scarf that he wore, really long, all wrapped around until his neck looked like a sheath and his head was the d*ckhead poking out, it was the most ridiculous thing... It hung down his back and the wind tossed it around, as we walked from the union to class. It was snowing. I was in this chemistry class, and he was my TA, and we became friends because he was only a year older than me, and because I was queer and wanted to eat his a**. He was lonely and gay and repressed, and liked spending time with me but wouldn't admit that he wanted to be more than friends. I almost got him to have sex once around Thanksgiving, but he chickened out.

"Oh yeah. I get so distracted. Christmas. We were walking to class, and the snowflakes were landing in his headfur and on his nose and it was so cute. And under the clocktower, he just stopped and asked me if we could hold paws. I was damn surprised, since he'd been leading me on so much.

"Oh are you f**king kidding me. Of course not. I said hell no, and he looked like he was gonna cry, and we went to class and snipped at each other. I wanted to eat his a**, not be his cuddle buddy.

"Well where the hell am I supposed to start? The first day of class? We didn't hook up then, he was some attractive yet weird dude with bad fashion sense. The first time we had sex? He lead me on for so long that we were definitely together by then. I mean, you ask me these questions that don't have a straight answer, you have to let me pick something to tell you. I can't give you months and months of gay drama in one neat bundle. Haha. Don't have a 'straight answer'. I crack myself UP.

"Actually, I asked him.

"Well, you don't know me, so I'm hardly surprised. Alright. I'll tell that story. January. Snowstorm. He'd talked me into going out to eat with him a few nights before. I'd talked him into giving me a pawjob the night before. It was alright. He didn't screw up, at least. Went a little too gentle on me, but not bad. He didn't want me to return the favor, though. So we just went to bed and slept together. We were at his place, I told my parents I was pulling an all-nighter in the library. The next morning, we were snowed in, there was snow up to his car's bumper and over the trunk in the back, in a sort of drift. School was cancelled, which only happened that once. I called my parents and told them I was at a friend's house and not to expect me home until we could get the way cleared, they were just glad we had power and weren't stranded, didn't ask any questions. He didn't have much food, but we figured the plows would be by soon and we could get some, the grocery store was close enough to walk to if your car was in a snowdrift. So we sat around for a bit, and then started having sex. Like, a lot. I think the tension finally got the better of him.

"No, that was later, just blowjobs and sh*t. I think I fingered him a bit, but he was still awkward about it. He had the weirdest c**k, but it was nice having it go down my throat. He was like three inches longer than Rob, though, so I gagged some. Never been good about that. He came so f**king hard I thought he was gonna pass out, it was adorable. And after we'd emptied our balls a few times, he had his arms around me and we were lying on the couch, and he just got all mopey-like and asked me if I was gonna love him now that we'd f**ked, or if he would ever have a chance with me. I guess that made me feel pretty bad. So I said, what the hell, wanna be my first boyfriend? And his eyes all lit up and he got this huge smile, and it was the most adorable thing. F**king loved that smile. Kind of a shame I'm not gonna get to see it again, isn't it?

"Myself, of course. Don't give me that look, I would have plead guilty if that lawyer hadn't pulled the thing. Would'a liked to pull his thing, ha, ha, wavin' that ferrety a** around in front of me all day. I swear I spent half the trial with a boner. He wore these tight sexy dress pants, so that if you were at just the right angle you could totally see he was wearing tighty-whities under them, because of the hems of the legholes under those pants. I was at the right angle. Oh my god it was terrible. I jacked off in the bathroom three times, I think the guard heard me cause he always told me to wash my paws with this weird look on his face. He wasn't bad either. Big tough bear guy. I asked him if I could f**k him once and he just said no. Didn't even yell or anything. Nice guy.

"Because... because I loved him.

"Of course it doesn't make sense. Do you really expect me to make sense?

"I mean I loved him. Looooved him. Fell head over heels for the f**ker. He was so sweet and never judged me and he was scared of me but he gave me a chance, and wouldn't let me go, and listened to me and never said no to me and god I loved him and now he's gone and there's nothing I can do about it and it's all my fault quit looking at me like that! So I'm a f**king crybaby so what. You know what? Go f**k yourself. I don't have to tell you anything. I'm crazy, I can just not talk to you and they'll lock me up again! La la la la la la la, not listening!

"La la la la la la la...

"La la la la la la la la la still not listening! La la la la la...

"La la. La. F**king la. La la la la la la...

"La la la la la la la, the penis song! Suck, f**k, ejaculate! Ding-dong ding-dong ding-dong ding! The penis soooooong! What, you never learned that one? Man, they don't teach them anything good in psych school, do they? Did you even see a penis before you got married? Oh, haha, I know what that little smile means! You were the dorm's blowjob queen, weren't you? How much older are you than me? Ten years? I might have heard of you, when you're in the business you know the names of your predecessors... Where'd you go to school again?

"I don't think that one really needs explanation. You're not the sharpest, are you? He taught. Me how. To love. I didn't know how. He taught me.

"Oh hell no. I'd pretty much done it all by the time he rolled around. Even did some BDSM and that sh*t. I liked that. Only place I could do stuff and it was okay. But it gets boring after a while. Everybody just wants their butts whipped and their d*cks chained up and candle wax dripped on their balls. The gasmask stuff was cool, but you get bored. At least vanilla sex is more variable. You can have sex just about any way you like. Ever done it on a desk? Ah, hell, I'd have to be more drunk to f**k you, though. Got any brandy?

"Oh boy. It was just... it was magical. I mean... for the first time in my life... somebody cared about me. Somebody listened to me. Somebody smiled... just because I was in the f**king room. Who does that? Nobody does that! It made me feel... vulnerable, almost. But in a nice way. I wanted to be vulnerable, if it was him. I wanted him to protect me. I wanted to protect him, too. And cum inside him and all that. But... I'd never imagined that it could be nice, just lying with somebody. Without f**king them or pawing them or gargling their balls or somesh*t. Rubbing my c**k on their feet, maybe. You can make anything fun. But... He'd just lie there and hold me and I just didn't f**king care any more. F**k 'em. F**k 'em all, he loved me and it felt so g*ddamned nice. Kind of a shame I never let him have my a**. I think he wanted it. I think I'd probably let him have it. Now, at least. But I guess I'm gonna die a butt-virgin. They don't let you have sex in a mental institution, right? Still, there was that scene in Terminator... maybe I'll get lucky. Literally. Haha! Oh, this guy is a riot.

"...Yeah. He had kind of a sh*tty life. Worse than mine, I mean. His brother was a big bully. I wanted to hurt that f**ker, some of the stuff Billy told me about him... But Billy got scared whenever I got mad, so I tried not to do that. Dunno why he didn't want revenge; if my brother did that to me I would'a chopped his balls off. Though the car tire probably took care of that! Haha, squuuiiiish! Like a pair of ripe kiwis! Only he was like fifteen, so more like grapes. Probably. Hell, I dunno, I was a late bloomer.

"No. At least, he never told me about that. Teased him some, but I don't think he was gay enough to hurt Billy that way. If he had, I would'a chopped more than just his balls off.

"Well, he had money issues. Kinda partly my fault I guess. Felt bad. I wanted to help him. I always told him I was gonna win the lottery someday and we'd live in a castle in England and I'd feed him truffles all day. He didn't want me buying tickets, though. I spent enough on alcohol and drugs, I guess. I felt bad about that too. I probably didn't deserve him. He loved me so damn much though. I loved him too. I really did. Never loved anybody before or since. But I loved that f**ker. Loved him so much. I miss him. I miss him so bad. You don't understand how bad I miss him.

"...Yeah. Yeah I did and it's awful but it's just what I had to do. Quit giving me that look, keep your damn tissues. I'm not even crying that hard so shut up. He just... That day, that Christmas... I knew I would never love him more than I did right then... and that meant that eventually I wouldn't love him as much as I did then. I'm like that, I guess. And I didn't want to love him less than that I loved him so much I wanted to love him forever and be with him and take care of him and love him and eventually I knew it would fall apart and he'd use me or hurt me or cheat on me and I wouldn't ever be able to love him as much ever again. I didn't want that to happen. So yeah. I loved him so much... that I had to kill him. So that I would never love him less.

"Yeah. Shacked up with this quiet mouse guy next. Cute guy. Wasn't Billy, though. Just wasn't Billy. Made me angry, that he wasn't Billy. I wanted him to be Billy. I wanted Billy.

"Not at first. I wanted to give him a chance. Took me a damn long time to love Billy. Maybe it would take me a long time to love anyone else. I thought. I tried to be patient with Ted. I really did. He was a nice guy. But he wasn't Billy. So I killed him too. Now he might as well be Billy, haha!

"Yup. A year later. The blood was festive, I guess. Never been much for decorating, myself, but Ted was. He sure covered the tree, hahaha! I am just on a roll today.

"Dunno. Coincidence. Stuff kept happening. People pissing me off. Remembering Billy. That time I walked in on Eddie with some lion under his tail on the kitchen table. I don't think he was expecting me to... react quite like that. Well, of course he wasn't, or he wouldn't've kept the shotgun in the bedroom. Stupid bull. I dunno how they didn't catch me after that one, I mean, two bodies and I walked out of the house covered in blood. Seriously. How bloody oblivious can the police get? Haha, see what I did there?!

"Yeah. Didn't want to be marched in like a hostage. And I was missing Billy so f**king bad by that point. I wanted Billy back. I thought about killing myself, but I decided I didn't believe in the afterlife, so maybe if I turned myself in they'd let me have him back. Or maybe I'd just get to beat some guys up and rape them in prison. I dunno what I was really thinking then. I don't regret it though. About as happy in here as I was out there. Shame there's nobody to rape, though, how long are they going to keep me in solitary, anyway? You don't know? Hell. I can't even jack off with the jacket on, the only way to get myself off is to kinda like hump the corner between the floor and the wall, kinda like this. It's really hard to cum, but it feels nice. Not as nice as Billy's butthole, though. I dunno why he let me have it, he kept telling me not to be so rough and then crying when I was. Guess he musta really loved me, to stick with me. Or else he was just a masochist. Saw plenty of those. He didn't have the same... scowl, though. They all have this look. Kind of a pouty glare. I think, at least. Maybe he was just the weird one. God, I miss him. Can I see him? If I'm really well behaved, maybe? I'll stop hitting on the guards, even. All right, fine, I know what that look means.

"...I don't want to talk about that.

"Woah, woah, not listening again! Lalala!

"Hahaha! Oh jesus f**king christ lady you have no clue, do you? You're shooting in the dark, trying to figure me out, but you have no idea! You've never seen anyone like me, and it scares you, I scare you! I'm so f**ked up you don't even know where to start, so you're bouncing around getting nowhere, trying to figure something out! Maybe the cocaine fried my brain, connected the wires between loving somebody and raping them and killing them and raping the corpse! I dunno, why are you asking me? You're not asking me, because you don't want to think about it, because it scares you and makes you doubt yourself and everyone you've ever met! How many of us are capable of this, Darlene? How many of us f**king nutjobs? How about your son, the f*ggot? Do you think he's my kind of f*ggot? The kind that scares you so much you have to chain me to a f**king chair before you'll talk to me? I bet he's a hottie. How old is he, like sixteen? How'd you get him, anyway, if your husband's a heron? Adopted? What species is he, then? Ferret? God I love ferrets. I hope he's not a goat, that'll just piss me off, and you don't want that, do you? I wanna yank his boxer-briefs down with my teeth and stuff his c*ck into my mouth until I gag on it, and then have him crawl up on top of me and slam his a** down on my throbbing wet meat so hard he squeals... Haha, see this boner I have? That's from your son! I'm thinking about him doing the power-bottom thing on top of me right now and it's hoooooot!

"Oh, you're back. Sorry if I upset you earlier. I try not to be an a**hole, really. I mean, sometimes I know I am, Billy would tell me all the time what a huge f**king a**hole I was. Usually after I finished f**king his a**hole, haha! He loved me though. He'd always smile a few minutes later and tell me how he couldn't live without a scrawny little a**hole in his life. And I'd smile back and we'd cuddle and god it was romantic. That's how it was when I killed him, you know. He was holding me and I got up to pee and came back and cut his throat out with the fur scissors. Then I held him because him holding me wasn't the same then. Just smiled for a while. Then got up and sat beside the bed and cried for a while longer. Then left town, hitchhiked across the country. Got as far away from him as possible, I guess. Not that it helped. Florida just had Ted, and Oklahoma had Ryan, and Arcadia had Lewis, and Cascadia had Eric, and sh*t there's about nowhere left I can go, is there? I mean, I even hit all the different regions in Arcadia. Let's see, who am I closest to here... Oh yeah, Jay, the ferret! I love ferrets. Is your son a ferret? My lawyer's a ferret. You're not asking me any questions, are you okay?

"Oh hell. That again. I don't wanna talk about that. I told you. Bad memories.

"I wasn't into him, so no. Well, unless you count jizzing on his face because he was an a**hole and I hated him. He woke up and chased me around and I kicked him in his non-existent nuts and he went into his room and didn't come out. Think he was crying, the big baby.

"...Yeah. Well, around that time, I guess. Snowy and all.

"...No.

"...It was a truck stop.

"Look, I don't want to talk about this, so quit asking. Maybe I was raped when I was six. Maybe not. You're not gonna find out. The only person I ever told was Billy, and he's dead, so you can't ask him. He didn't judge me, either. Just told me he was really sorry and he loved me and he held me while I cried. That was the day I killed him, incidentally. God I miss that f**ker. It's not my fault, though. I'm not guilty. Due to being insane. Haha! Insane! They have no idea. Billy was the only thing that ever made me insane. Loved that f**ker so g*ddamned much. I'm totally sane, apart from him. All I did was f**k people a lot. My sister does it too, you can ask her. She might even go for you, if you pay her. Dunno if she's into chicks, but if you strap on a dildo she'll probably like it, she'll take anything up that coochie. Tell you what. I'll trade you. You can have my sister, I'll take your son, and your husband can have my other paw. Nobody gets left out!

"Well, yeah! Gotta keep smilin' an' makin' jokes! Keeps me from missing Billy too much and getting angry! Or sad. I don't like being sad. I'm so sad nowadays. Someday I'll die just like Billy, you know? I know. They wanted it to happen sooner rather than later, but I'm not guilty. It's my fault, but I'm not guilty. Just insane.

"I don't know. Sh*t. Maybe. Yes, no, I don't know. Billy did, and he's all right. Can I see him? No? Ah, hell. I guess I won't be too upset when I die, no. Not like anything comes after it. I'm sure of that, now. If there was a god, he would have stopped me from killing Billy. He would have stopped me. Maybe he would have killed me instead. Maybe I would have committed suicide right there in the bathroom. Maybe I would have slipped and hit my head on the tub and gone braindead and Billy would sit beside me all day and keep telling them not to turn off life support until they had no choice and he'd weep brokenly over my corpse like I did over his. I dunno. But if there was a god, he would have stopped me. He wouldn't've let me kill Billy. Billy was too selfless. Too perfect. Too good for me. I think he almost... made me like myself. Came so close. But I killed him before he could do that. Maybe he would have won. Maybe if god existed I wouldn't even be here, I'd be his happy hubby and wouldn't think about my past so much. Maybe I would have let him put his d*ck under my tail. He wanted to. He actually asked me that day, before I told him about... the first time that happened to me. Maybe if god existed I wouldn't even have done it, I would have still been a virgin when Billy taught me how to love somebody. I'm still a virgin, I mean, because I never let anyone have my a**. Got f**ked, but I'm still a virgin. It only counts if you let it count, after all. That one doesn't count. It was a long time ago anyway. Way before I killed Billy. God should have stopped me. Everything would be better. I wish god existed, don't you? I miss Billy. Are we done? Okay... Can you at least get them to leave the jacket off this time? My d*ck is gonna fall off if I don't get a wad out properly. Fine, then can you... hey, you! You're a hunk, wanna suck my c*ck? I'll pay you! I'll suck yours! Come on, I'm already hard and everything, been drippin' in my pants! Or give me a pawjob, somethin', come on! Don't throw me in there with my d*ck all hard and nothin' to think about but Billy and god and my lawyer! Don't... don't leave me all alone again, please... just... stay with me... make somebody stay with me... I just want somebody to listen to me and care about me again... I just want to see Billy!

"Why won't you let me see Billy?!

• Transcript of the psychoanalysis of the 'Christmas Butcher', December 5th, 2012, following the conclusion of his trial for the murders of twenty-three men and two women in various states, by staff psychoanalyst Darlene Sanders. Psychoanalyst queries omitted for narrative clarity.

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Most evidently, I think, this owes a creative debt to Silence of the Lambs and the loads and loads of CSI (and smaller amounts of Law & Order and similar shows) that I watched when I was in middle school and high school.

I wrote this back in December... and dithered for months about whether to publish it. As I mentioned at the beginning, I wasn't sure if anyone watching me would like it, because it was so dark, but also... I fell in love with Billy, as a character. He was such a sweet guy... After I finished this, I cried a little bit. I didn't want this to happen to him. For several months, I was convinced I would rewrite this in a lighter setting, probably focusing on the day they were snowed in... one where Billy wasn't just the victim of a deranged, nymphomaniac serial killer he had the misfortune to fall deeply in love with. A story with a happy ending.

But over time... I realized that it was the main character's narrative that caused me to fall in love with him. It was his rambling, almost incoherent portrayal of a guy, who would love someone... like that... That was why I loved Billy as a character. That was why I wanted better for him. Paradoxically... to put him in a lighter-toned story, would... destroy his characterization entirely. He had to die pointlessly... to be who he was.

Being an author is hard sometimes.