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I realised I was hyperventilating when I got to the start of my street, and I willed myself to stop and wait for a few minutes, sucking in lungfuls of blessed air until my breathing returned to normal. I made use of the respite to send some frantic texts to Bev.

Where r u? What r ur plans?

He either wouldn't or couldn't answer though, and I resigned myself to having to keep calm and cover my tracks without coordinating our stories. I hoped against hope that Josh would have no recollection of what happened, because I could see no reason why the horse would protect me again after I had abandoned him like that. If he remembered I was totally fucked. The best I could do would be to make up a plausible story that wasn't easily denied and hope. What I would do if Josh spilled the beans I still didn't know. Part of me wanted him to, and the rest of me hated that part. It felt like my dad inside my skull.

Still shaking but mostly under control, I opened the door and ran upstairs for my bedroom, hoping to avoid a confrontation with my parents. I didn't know if they knew about Josh yet, and either way I needed to play it very cool if I was to be believed. The longer I could delay that moment of truth the better.

"Nathan!"

I heard my mum coming up the stairs, her calls getting louder. So much for that plan. The moment could not be long avoided it seemed.

"Nathan, there you are. I thought you were spending the night with Bevan?"

"Change of plans mum, Bev had a family thing, and I was in the way. Sorry, I tried to text you but I ran out of credit. I need to recharge."

She looked as if she wanted to probe me more, instinct telling her I was hiding something, but I could tell she was preoccupied, and in the end her distraction won out.

"Do you know what happened to Joshua? He hasn't been home yet and when we talked this morning he was coming straight here from school."

Time to be very, very careful. At least I knew that word had not got out yet. I had timed things nicely.

"He hasn't texted me or anything. When we parted after school I thought he was going to take the bus home. He never mentioned any other plans."

So far, factually correct on all counts if totally misleading. I could be a politician.

"This is so unlike the Joshua we have seen, he has been extremely responsible and considerate, I don't know..."

Mum's words were interrupted by her phone, the ringtone as always making me grin in spite of the current surreal situation. Ride of the Valkyries; eerily appropriate.

"Oh, hello Ms Davis, it's nice of the department to check up on us and Josh so often, he seems to be settling in and..."

I could see mum's eyes widen slightly, her hand gripping the phone tight against her head.

"Yes....yes....yes....15 minutes."

The call ended, and mum turned her gaze on me, a gaze shot through with horror, rage, accusation. I had seen that look before, and the memory made me shiver.

"Nathan. I need you to look me in the eye and tell me again, do you know what Joshua was doing after school?"

I figured counterattack was the best form of defense. If I tried to look innocent I would be busted, if I went for angry I could be convincing.

"No mum, I am not the pony's keeper for fuck sake. Why, what has the dipshit done?"

"Joshua is in hospital, he was attacked. They found him at that old factory site by McNaughton Road. I am going there now, your father will be home soon, stay here until he gets back and tell him what has happened."

"Ok mum, is he ok?"

"I don't know, I wasn't speaking to the hospital, that was Joshua's caseworker from the department, the hospital found her number in his wallet and called her. Not really a great advertisement for how well we are looking after him."

I stayed silent, reasoning that was the best at the moment. I followed mum into her bedroom, as she put together her handbag with ferocious efficiency before snatching up her keys.

"Right, look after the fort till your father gets home. Oh, and Nathan. This isn't over."

I allowed my ears to flatten in submission and a small whine of injured innocence to come out. It was mainly for show, but I had to try. Unfortunately mum was pretty good at seeing through the bullshit. I would need all my guile to get through this.

As I heard the engine rev, though, and I let out the breath I had been holding without realising it, one thought dominated my mind.

Please be ok. Please be ok. Please Josh, for the love of God, be ok.

*****

The evening had gone quietly, but that did not mean it went well. Far from it. The problems started when dad came home, tired as usual and a little grumpy. His boss was an asshole, that much I had gathered, but dad really had no assertive qualities at all. He was a convenient doormat, a willing victim.

I told him about the pony, and he tried to give me the third degree. I stuck to my script, such as it was, dodging direct questions with careful evasions that couldn't be disproved. Eventually he gave up, reasoning that either way he wasn't getting any more information out of me tonight.

"I thought you could be trusted to look after Josh, Nathan. I thought you understood you were to keep him safe. What is it about you son? Why can't you look after anyone but yourself? Didn't you learn anything?"

I knew what he was referring to in his anger. A part of me was impressed by his belated show of aggression, but that was overwhelmed by the deep hurt and pain. He had wounded me in the place I was most vulnerable, and it took all my control not to cry or lash out. Instead I just stood there, shaking.

I could see from his face that he realised he had crossed a line, and regretted it. I wanted him to regret it. I wanted him to hurt even a fraction of the amount I was hurting then.

"Nath...I...I'm sorry, that was uncalled for I..."

"Leave me alone dad. Just leave me the fuck alone."

I headed for my room, slamming the door and just about breaking it off its hinges, before curling up in a ball on my bed. I didn't even remember falling asleep, instead waking up an indeterminate period later as mum was pulling a duvet over me.

"How is Josh?"

"He will be ok Nathan. His injuries are mostly superficial, he will be in for observation, but nothing permanent. Go to sleep. Your father has gone into the hospital to stay with him."

I nodded, groggy but suddenly warm. He was ok. Thank fuck, I hadn't screwed up too badly this time.

"Nathan, your father...he didn't...."

"Please mum, I'm tired."

"Ok pup, get some rest."

I pulled the covers over myself, but not to sleep. The memories flashed across my brain, as I knew they would. This would not be an easy night.

*****

The water felt cold on my fur, and the waves kept breaking over my head and swamping my eyes and muzzle. I couldn't see him any more, he had been here a minute ago.

"Riley! Riley! Where are you?"

I paddled as hard as I could, but the rip was taking me to the left no matter what I did. I decided to go with it, heading for the sand bar and the breakers. I could barely stay above the water now, but I knew I couldn't stop. He was supposed to be my responsibility, and I had left him alone. Now the selfish pup had gone and got himself into trouble and I was fucked.

"Riley! Wave and I'll find you!"

Another big wave, and I was rolled about under the water, my head smacking into something and leaving me dazed but still conscious. As I came up again, I saw something to the left. Dark fur. Riley.

"Riley! Stay there!"

With a last surge I reached him, my arms around him. He didn't respond.

"Riley?"

I brought my muzzle against his, and it was only then that I realised. His eyes were open, but he wasn't breathing, lips blue and cold.

"Riley! Wake up you stupid pup!"

As I heard the rumble of an outboard motor above the din of the waves approaching, I kept holding him and shaking him. He didn't wake up though. Why wouldn't he wake up?

I woke in a start the next morning. The dream had come, and as much as I could remember it was like it always was. Thankfully the details always seemed to dissolve in the light of morning. It was 5:30, definitely not my usual hour of waking.

Padding down to the kitchen, I walked in expecting to be alone, but found my parents there, fatigue written all over their faces.

"Any change?"

Dad looked like he was about to say something, maybe even apologise, but instead he just shook his head.

"No news overnight. We were just deciding how to handle it today. I can't miss this morning at work, and your mother has to go to a meeting all day. I don't want Josh to be alone though, we may ask your grandma to come if she is up to it."

A brilliant thought came to me, and I spoke before I could regret it.

"How about me? I could look after Josh this morning, I don't have anything at school I can't miss, and at least he knows me. The guys at school will want to know he is ok too, so I can go in after lunch and give them a pony update."

My parents seemed dubious, probably trying to work out what angle I was working. If only they knew. In the end though, practicality won out, and they agreed to my plan. Mum would drop me at the hospital on the way to work, and dad would relieve me after lunch. Plenty of time to work out what condition the pony was in. And exactly how screwed I was.

It was a long time since I had been into a hospital, and it still creeped me out. Something about the smell, the lighting, the over-warm feeling. Trying not to shudder, I went to the reception desk and found out where the pony was. Ward 11 East, room 115.

Navigating my way to the lift past radiology, I headed for the ward and Josh. I didn't want to see what he looked like, my guilt building as the floors sped by. Arriving at the ward, I headed to the nurses' station as directed by at least 4 signs.

"Can I help you?"

"Ahhh, I'm looking for Josh Marcus?"

"Are you a relative?" Her scepticism dripped from her tongue like gravy.

"Yeah, I'm his foster brother. He has been with my family this week. I'm here for my parents, my mum was here last night."

"Oh that's nice! Yes, the C shift left a notation about that. His brother and his foster brother both coming to see him, lucky colt. Well, he isn't up to much at the moment, we had to sedate him as he was having some issues sleeping, so he is very groggy. You are welcome to go in though, just don't wake him if he is asleep. His brother is in there now...such a nice colt!"

"Thanks...yeah he is..."

Masking my puzzlement as best I could, I headed round the corner in the direction of room 115 and the colt, no two colts.

What the hell? Josh didn't have a brother, at least not that he had ever mentioned...

I went through the door to the four bed ward, checking out the occupants. One Lion, one middle aged wolf, one empty bed...and one with the curtains drawn. Bingo.

Opening the curtains just a fraction, I took my time sizing up the scene. There was Josh allright, apparently asleep. He had stitching in his forehead, and one eye was swollen shut. Otherwise he looked peaceful, almost calm. They must be giving him some good drugs. The other occupant of the room took my immediate attention though. Another colt, about Josh's age, but different markings. He had a golden mane, and a white patch at his muzzle. He was also crying, holding Josh's hand over the bedcovers and stroking his forelock.

"Who the hell are you?" I whispered, not kindly.

He gave a start, guilt written on his muzzle, but he quickly pulled himself together and looked me over with a keen eye.

"And who are you anyway to ask me?" he had his senses back at least, and I could see a definite anger blazing in his eyes, deep pools of brown. This was going to be interesting; one of my talents was drawing information from the unwary.

"I am Josh's foster brother Nathan. I'm here to look after him, and as far as I'm concerned that means keeping him away from the likes of you."

The colt made a significant glance in Josh's direction and put a finger to his lips to signal quiet. I was happy to take this outside anyway, and motioned the colt to join me in the patient lounge I had seen next to Josh's room. Thankfully we were alone.

"Right, now we are in the clear, you had better tell me who you are."

The colt looked sad again, his anger gone and replaced by deep melancholy. Whatever his story was, I had him on the defensive.

"I...I was you till recently. Josh was my foster brother. I'm Mark, Mark Hammond."

Now that was interesting. Josh hadn't said what happened that made him leave his last family, and all I knew was it was an emergency when he came to us. So whatever the reason, it was unexpected. If I didn't know better though, I could swear this Mark had feelings for Josh. Time to see what I could draw out.

"Well, I only hope I look after him better than you did."

That got him hard, the colt looking genuinely haunted now.

"What did he tell you?"

"Not much, you know Josh, he is too proud to admit he is hurt. He was really broken when he joined us though."

The colt nodded sadly, then his eyes widened as he focussed on my neck. I reached for my collar, realising I was wearing the pony's necklace, and it had ridden up to my throat.

"That's Josh's! Did he give it to you?"

"Yes...he said he wanted me to have it, he was passing on his mana or something. Do you know where it came from?"

"He told me it belonged to his father, it is the only thing he ever had from him. He never knew him, but he had given it to Josh's mother and she gave it to Josh when he was little. Josh's father's family was from New Zealand, Josh was told that he was his mother's boyfriend in school but was moved away after she became pregnant. He never knew he was a dad. Apparently he joined the army or something. Josh wanted to try to find him but never could."

I wrapped my fingers around the necklace. Two lives entwined, Josh's dad and mum. That turned out well. Then Josh's mum gave it to him. Also not great, from what I could tell. It seemed the necklace was more cursed than blessed.

"Are you...are you his boyfriend? I only ask because, well, I never thought he would give away the necklace, so you must be special to him."

Boyfriend. The word made me smile. Boyfriend...maybe one day. But it told me one thing; it seemed Janet was on the money, the pony was into guys, or at least this colt thought he could be.

"Maybe...why, are you jealous?"

Bullseye, the colt hung his head and blushed before nodding.

"Yes. I'm just glad he has someone, someone to be there for him. He is a special guy and...I'm happy for you, really. I have no right to be jealous, but yeah, I am."

"What happened? I know you don't have to tell me, and Josh is being very quiet, but it might help me help him if you told me. I need to know how to help him."

Mark fell into one of the armchairs, letting out a deep sigh, and sat silently for long moments. Eventually he spoke, still looking at the floor as if trying to exorcise his demons. I could play confessor if I had to.

"When Josh first came to join us, I knew I was attracted to him straight away, but I didn't know if he felt anything for me let alone if he was into guys. He was so damaged, and so closed off. He wouldn't share anything. I did the best I could, and we became great mates, but the more time passed the more I wanted him. I had been with other guys, but none of them affected me like Josh."

"Then one night, he was having another one of his nightmares, and I got into bed with him to just hold him and make him feel there was someone there who cared about him. Before I knew it, even without realising why, I kissed him and stroked his sheath, and he responded. It all happened so fast. It was the most amazing thing, I knew I had found the guy I always dreamed of ever since I knew I liked guys."

"So what happened then?"

"We got careless. One night after school, we were home alone and I kept teasing him, I was never patient and I wanted him so bad. Eventually he gave in and we went to my room. We were right into it, with Josh inside me, when my dad came home early and found us."

"Ohhh shit!"

"Dad didn't know about me, my folks are kind of old fashioned good Christian types. I thought we would get a serious screaming fit, but at least my folks would know now, I could come out and be honest. I should have known."

"My folks assumed Josh had 'corrupted' me, and I would be 'normal' again without his bad influence. They called up social services and had him out the same night, they wouldn't even let him stay till morning, just dumped his bags on the pavement and locked the door."

"What did you do?"

He put his head in his hands now, and I knew it was bad.

"Nothing. I let them think they were right, that I was a good straight colt and it was Josh who led me astray. I still hate myself for it, my God he was terrified and alone and I wanted him so much I just went for it. Now he was paying for it. I betrayed him and I still can't forgive myself."

Betrayal. I knew how that felt. It made me perversely pleased to know I wasn't the only one to fuck him over, but it didn't remove my residual guilt, a guilt made no better by the image of the colt battered and broken in the factory office.

"Do you still love him?"

"Yes...with all my heart."

I gave my own sigh then. I realised how much I wanted someone to say that about me, with that voice. A voice filled with truth, and love, and hurt. And Josh seemed to top the list of people I wanted to be that guy now; but he probably would never talk to me again. My only consolation was he would feel no better about this Mark guy.

"Please...look after him for me?"

"I will mate. Do you want me to tell him you were here?"

"No...its probably better if he doesn't know. I only found out he was here because his caseworker rang us last night, she wanted to know if there could be a reason why Josh was at the factory. Luckily I got the call before my parents. She was worried it could be something to do with his mum, but he never mentioned the factory before."

"Why would they assume it was something to do with his mum?"

"According to the cops she spoke to, the factory is a known haunt of a drug gang. Josh's mum...well she was in that world, it's part of why Josh was in care."

So much more made sense now, though there was a lot more to know.

"The dreams, the scars...did he ever tell you what happened?"

"Yeah...but I think it's best if he tells you himself when he is ready. He is going to need you Nathan, be patient with him. And never ever let him go, don't make my mistake."

The colt walked out then, with a backward glance full of meaning, and I just sat in the room, fingering the necklace around my neck. What becomes of the broken hearted?

A world filled with love is a wonderful sight.

Being in love is one's heart's delight.

But that look of love isn't on my face.

That enchanted feeling has been replaced

The look on Mark's face told the tale. Perhaps I was deluded too. There was nothing to be had with Josh but pain.

Yeah tell yourself that wolf. Better to not play than lose the game.

With a growl at my own stupidity, I headed back to the room and judgement day. Time to see what pony remembered, and what he intended.

When I pulled back the curtains, he was awake, at least partly. The nurse was taking his temperature and blood pressure with clinical efficiency, though she was smiling at him and stroking his mane. What was it about colts that made women go all gooey? His good eye focussed on me and widened slightly, but his gaze was not unfriendly at least as far as I could tell.

When the nurse left with a "see you later hon" and a last stroke of his forearm feathers, I took the seat next to Josh, fussing with his blankets to avoid having to make the first move.

"Hey Nate"

"Hey. How are you?"

"Sore and groggy.How about you?"

"I'm ok. Better than you."

"Well, you and Bevan ran like rabbits so at least your legs were still working."

Oh shit. I'm totally fucked.

"Yeah..."

"So I guess you are wondering what I remembered eh?"

"Yes Josh, I guess I am."

"Everything, pretty much. I knew something was up, you were acting so stupid, and I knew Bevan was no good. I thought you might be getting into something idiotic, so I followed when you two left. I heard everything, and I knew they were going to fuck you up big time. These guys, they play for keeps Nate. You are one stupid wolf."

"Why did you charge in then? Are you trying to be my knight in shining armour, Josh the brave?"

"Maybe...as I said, you are stupid Josh, but that doesn't deserve what they were going to do to you, even Bevan doesn't deserve to be raped. Trust me I know...it's not something that leaves you. Ever."

I reached for his hand then, a part of me feeling lower than ever in my life. At least since Riley.

"So pony, what are you going to do?"

"Save your bacon again Nate. What would I tell them anyway? And who would they believe? I'm just a fucked up foster colt from a broken twisted druggie mum with no home and no prospects. I might as well have loser tattooed on my forehead. Noone will believe me if I drop a bucket on you. Besides...I stupidly wanted a home, and I wanted you to like me so you would want me to stick around. I realise now you will never like me, seeing your tail wagging in the distance as you left me for dead proved that, but I still hope you may ask your parents to keep me around."

"Does it really matter to you that much?"

"You can have no idea Nate. No fucking idea. You wake up knowing you have a place in life, people who care about you, a home, a family, possessions, prospects. I wake up every morning knowing there is nothing I have that can't be taken away at any time. Nothing. I live on sufferance, on charity, knowing that I will never be good enough for a normal life, because I am marked forever more as a waste of life. Do you know what that is like? How could you? I guess that's part of why I did it too...as much as you can be a shit Nate, I don't want you to end up like me. Noone deserves that, even you. This is not your world, and for good or bad I know how to survive it. You don't, and I hope you never do."

I desperately didn't want to cry then, but the pony had me close. Instead I reached for the necklace around my neck, brining it out and putting it around his neck while he looked on curiously.

"I found it in the bathroom, behind the bin. I thought it might cheer you up at least, you are such a downer."

He put one shaking hand over it, clasping it to his chest and looking at me again, this time with affection for the first time.

"Thank you so much Nate. This means...more than you can know."

"Yeah, well don't make the mistake of thinking that this means that I, you know, like you."

That made him grin, or at least as much as his face could accommodate at the moment.

"Don't worry Nate, I doubt I will ever make that mistake."

"You aren't always right Josh. You don't know everything. I do know what you mean, at least a little. I know what it's like to feel like you no longer belong. And you are wrong about you too, though I agree I haven't shown you any different yet. So what is our story bro?"

"Simple from me. I was exploring my new neighbourhood, didn't realise how far I had gone out of the area I knew, got lost, found the factory, was curious and stumbled across a few guys who then beat me up. I lost consciousness quickly. Sorry officer, I don't really remember any of them, it was dark, there were five I think, a couple of dogs and one bull by the smell that I could remember."

"Sounds straightforward. I was out with Bev, came home and we got the call after. No, I didn't see you go, no I don't know the factory. I called the cops and the ambulance from a payphone so I can't be traced."

"You called them?"

"Yeah. I may be a coward, but I'm not as big a shit as all that."

"What about the gang, and Bevan. Are you going to stay away from them?"

"I will stay away from the gang, but I can't abandon Bevan. I'm also not that much of a coward."

"Promise me you will stay away from them Nate. And I think you had better give Bevan a wide berth for a while, the gang will be watching him."

"How do you know?"

"This is my world Nate. I know."

His words made me shudder a little internally. Mark had used the same term...'that world'...when talking about Josh's mum. It made it sound like some alien planet, but perhaps it was. It seemed the rules were more different there than I realised, and I hoped it's touch hadn't contaminated me for all time. What I would do about Bevan I had no idea.

"Excuse me, I need to talk to Joshua Marcus. Are you able to speak now?"

We both turned at that, both equally unsettled by the voice behind us. It was another horse, in fact one that looked a lot like Josh, another big brown stud, but even bigger than the colt. And this one was holding out a badge.

"Detective Sergeant Wallace, drug squad. I need to ask Joshua some questions about his assault...would you mind giving us a moment Mr.........?"

"Ahh Nathan...I'm Josh's foster brother."

"Well could you please wait outside for me Nathan? I need to speak to you too."

I gave Josh a meaningful look, and he gave a small nod as he returned my gaze. The pony would cover my ass. Now I just had to work out what to do about Bevan, and what to do about mum and dad. I knew this wouldn't be over, not for them, even without mum saying it. For all their supposed liberal attitudes, I knew this would freak them like nothing else, and I didn't know what the ramifications would be.

My phone beeped then, bringing me back to the present.

We need to talk.

Bevan. Yeah mate, we definitely need to talk. Betrayal didn't even begin to describe it. But I still liked the bastard, somehow I couldn't get him out of my mind. Time to see what his plans were, and how he proposed to save the two of us.

Three of us, I corrected. If I never did anything else, I was determined to keep Josh out of it. It was the least I could do; for once in my life I was going to take the high road.