FSE

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Time stops for just a second. I feel my guts pulling back painfully, air being pressed out of my lungs as my organs heave backwards. But no matter how hard they try to force it, time doesn't move backwards with them. Within a moment it starts going forward again, viciously fast, sadistically slow. No. No no no Jerry no wait no no fuck no fuck fuck no fucking hell Jerry JERRY JERRY "JERRY!"

I'm sprinting faster than I ever have in my life. I've never felt slower.

"JERRY!"

Mangled bloody red Fuck so much fucking blood move damn you Move Twitch Breathe!

My knees crumble and I'm on the ground next to him, blinded by headlights and the pouring rain. I hear someone scream for an ambulance. It couldn't have been me because the only comprehensive thing I can utter is his name.

The stillness is what terrifies me the most. People aren't still like that. I think I'm shaking him when someone appears beside me and pries my hands away. I'm about to punch their teeth out when they hand me something and command me to stop his bleeding.HIS bleeding. A person, not a body. I shove the jacket against a giant opening in his leg. He calls for more people. Soon two others are helping keep the blood inside, one of them I think was the driver, and then first person, a male Labrador, starts pumping his chest.

"Do I have to go?" Jerry whined over the phone as I handed money over to the cashier at the coffee shop.

"No." I tell him before thanking the Cat and awkwardly carrying the two cups to a table by the window. "I could just sit here heartbroken that you were too afraid of the rain to spend my last day here in town with me."

"You're leaving for two weeks babe, not two months."

"Are you saying you won't miss me?"

"Of course I'll miss you Neil, I just mean that it's late and I'm driving you to the bus station tomorrow anyway..."

I sighed, a little louder than was needed. "Fine. Okay. You're right I shouldn't make you waste your gas and drive in the rain just for an extra hour with me." I looked around the crowded coffee shop. Looked like everyone was seeking warm refuge from the rain. "Anyway we can just talk on the phone, right?"

"Yeah...er..." I could hear his resolve fading. I held my breath until... "No. Okay. You're right. I'm heading over."

I smiled at the second cup of coffee. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in a bit."

"Cool, 'cause I already bought your coffee."

"Of course you did." he laughed. "Kay, see you in a minute."

"Okay."

"Love you."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

He laughed again, hurt. "Nice. Bye."

"Bye."

Bye. Not bye. No bye no this isn't bye I don't want bye I can't breathe no bye please no bye! Sirens sound in the distance, closing in at a snail's pace. I want the Labrador to stop, to see that his chest is rising and falling on its own because he is breathing and everything is going to be okay please God let everything be okay everything please let Jerry Be Okay!

The rain, the spectators, even the siren is just white noise in the back of my head. All I can feel is inconceivable pain, more than I could have ever believed was possible without dying instantly. Part of me wants to. To just turn off because nothing I've ever felt in my whole life, no amount of happiness or joy or anything, has been worth this black hole of suffocating horribleness and the unrelenting hairline sliver of hope that just makes every nanosecond of it unbearably excruciating.

I stare out the window, expecting Jerry to arrive any moment when my phone rings. It's Jerry.

"Which coffee shop?" he asks when I answer.

"The Allen Farris Coffee shop." I remind him, rolling my eyes. There's only two in the city and their names don't even sound alike.

"Cool. Just making sure. Think I'm going to have to park on the opposite side of the street. Be there in a sec. Love you."

"Yeah. 'Kay, bye."

I don't notice when the Siren stops, or when the people around Jerry start moving. But at some point someone tries to pull me away from Jerry and I panic. I scream and cry and push because fuck everything and fuck everyone I AM NOT fucking letting go of him! But more hands come and in no time Jerry's slipping from my fingers and gosh fuck let me Fucking go he's not gone you can't fucking take him from me please God no!

The space between us is getting unbearably large. He becomes surrounded by people in weird clothes who load him on to a stretcher. One of the paramedic's calls out no heartbeat. I make a sound, but there are too many fluids in my throat for it to be a scream. The sliver of hope denial_thins even more, but it won't let go, making everything else even more painful._But they wouldn't be putting him on a stretcher if he was already dead. I wasn't even sure if that was true. I cling to it the hard, the way I'm clinging to the arm of the paramedic who I hadn't even noticed I had stopped struggling against. I tighten my grip.

Was that-yup, that's Jerry's car. The rain starts to fall a little harder, and I feel a little twinge of guilt for making him drive out in this weather. He probably didn't even think to bring an umbrella again. As his car parks on the other side of the street I wonder if I should bring his coffee to him. It's still warm, but with the place this crowded I'd probably lose our table in an instant. Still though, he's probably really cold, and the sooner he gets this coffee in him the better. I leave mine and, for good measure, my jacket at the table as I carry his to the door, hoping people will get not to take our spot. But I forget about the rain, and once I'm standing outside the small canopy I realize if I get the cup soaked it won't even be warm. So I just stand there and wait, my tail wagging a little when Jerry steps out of the car, smiling when he sees me. Not even bothering to look both ways, he starts crossing the street towards me.

Wait.

WAIT!

WAIT!

Wait! What are they doing? I try do go with them but someone pulls me back so I push forward even harder. The paramedic holding me says something, turns me forcefully, says something again, asks me to nod my head. I do. Then he's gone, running to the ambulance that they've put Jerry in and I want to shout for them to wait but it's too late. They're gone. Jerry isn't, he isn't gone he's going to be okay stop it he's going to IS fine stop it stop thinking that I still can't breathe he's okay damn it.

But I can't get to the hospital, I took a bus here.

The police are talking to the driver. Once of them starts looking at me, but I am not staying to talk to them. I'm about to start running to the hospital when the Labrador appears besides me and asks if I need a ride. I nod my head, and he quickly leads me back to his car, opening the door for me. I tell him the name of the hospital the paramedic told me, but I have to repeat myself twice before he can make out what I'm saying, and I'm almost yelling it by the third time. He doesn't take offense though and just starts driving.

"Do you want me to call someone for you?" he offers.

I hadn't even thought about calling someone, but now I realize I really need to. "I'an do'it." I manage to reply, taking out my phone and dialing Jerry's sister. I try two more times but Ally won't answer. She must be at work.

I have to call his mother.

The phone rings a third time, fourth, fifth before she decides she'll take my call.

"Hello." She says into the phone dryly.

"M-Mrs. Saleta?" I take a wobbly breathe to steady myself. She hears it.

"Neil, what is it?" she asks, her voice closer to caring now.

"Jerry was-...he..." my voice starts to tremble severely again as I try to force out words that don't make sense to me. "...h-he walked into...the street...a-a-and..." Jerry-got hit-by-a-car-he-wasn't-moving-and-they-said-no-heart-beat-and-there-was-so-much-blood-and-I-don't-know-if-he's-okay-but-I-can't-lose-Jerry-and I lose my grip and the phone falls to the car floor, my hand swiping across the screen and accidently hanging up as I hear her now definitely anxious voice try to say something.

A sharp, violent spike of anger stabs through me for what I know I've just done to Jerry's mother. Before I can re-dial she's already calling me back.

"Neil!" she almost yells at me, and I know she won't ever forgive me for what I did. "Neil what happened to Jerry!"

The anger has steadied me, and I quickly tell her the name of the hospital Jerry's was taken to before I lose my voice again. She doesn't say anything after that, and it takes me a few minutes to realize she's hung up. I spend the rest of the drive actively breathing.

"Are you going to miss me?"

Jerry scribbled down another answer on his paper before responding. "Not really."

"Asshole." I threw my eraser at his head, but he easily avoided it and stuck his tongue out at me.

"Looking forward to it actually. Not going to have deal your attitude for two whole weeks!" I stuck my chin out defiantly at him as I got up to retrieve my eraser. But he pulled me back onto his bed, kissing me on the nose. "Why? Are you_going to miss_ me_?"_

"What's to miss?" I answer.

He kissed me again, and I pretended really hard that it didn't make me blush.

"It's only going to be for two weeks." he said as he held my hands between his face. "But believe me when I say it's going to be a really, really crappy two weeks." Another peck on the nose and he freed my face, but I didn't move.

"Well...maybe...I might sort of miss too you. A little."

He smiled as I traced his neck with my fingers. "Just two weeks rights?" I grimaced, which made him laugh. "C'mon. You can make it."

Two weeks.

Not years.

Not a lifetime.

I try to say thank you as I scramble out of the car, really hoping he heard it and knew how strongly I meant it. When the door closes I feel gut wrenchingly alone. I run through the glass doors and practically terrify the woman at a front desk, and probably everyone else. She is eventually able to make out who I'm here to see, and directs me to the 5th floor. There is someone in the elevator, and I need a moment to at least stop sobbing so indiscriminately, so I take the stairs.

Alive. Jerry's is still alive. Alive people go to fifth floors of hospitals. And then they get put in a different floor and get better and then they go home and things go back to the way they were because they have to go back Go Back Go Back GO BACK!

Next thing I know I'm huddled over on the third flight of stairs, clinging to the railing and fighting back a panic attack. Breathe in. Breathe out. But maybe if I pass out they'll take me near the same place as him.

No. Damn it hold your fucking ground.

I text Jerry's mother the floor number, then try to pick back up my pieces. I need to make sure he's okay. When I have enough control of myself I get back up and climb the rest of the stairs.

On the fifth floor I manage to find the right ward and another woman, a Badger, sitting behind a desk. For a second I hesitate to terrified of what she'll tell me, so it takes me a moment to work up the nerve to go up to her. I even consider just waiting for Jerry's parents.

But I have to know about Jerry's condition. Thankfully, she knows who I'm talking about, and I realize I'm suddenly relieved that this actually is the right hospital.

She tells me he's in ICU and tries to reassure me the doctors are doing everything they can. More relief. More mind-splitting anxiety. When she tries to ask questions I quickly tell her his parents are already on the way then turn around and sit on the farthest chair I can find. I'm not in a state to be answering questions.

Only a few minutes later they arrived, and I wonder how long I had stopped on the stairs. His mother sees me first, and I can tell she isn't likely to forgive me anytime soon for hanging upon her. His father nods at me, less actively opposed to me than his wife. Both their eyes are glistening.

"Where is my son?" she asks the Badger.

"What is your son's name?"

"Jerry Saleta." she answers impatiently.

"Mrs. Saleta, your son has been in a car accident. Right now he's in..." But that was all I could stand to hear. I'm walking away as fast I can, but the words are chasing me down the hallway. I start running, reach the staircase, but I can still hear them. One floor, then another, but they won't stop. Eating away the will to even move. I fall to pieces on the stairs again. But they still won't shut up.

Jerry was in an accident. He had crossed the street. And it was your fault he was hit by a car. He was hit by a car and it was all your fault because you made him drive to you in the rain and you stood outside and made him cross the street without looking and you made Jerry bloody and mangled and still and cold and not breathing and no heartbeat and it's your fault he's dying Jerry's dying and he'll be gone forever and it's all your fault.

"Neil."

"Jerry."

"Neil."

"Jerry...I'm sorry..."

"Neil."

"I'm sorry Jerry...I'm sorry..."

Jerry takes me hand. Jerry cups my cheek. Jerry kisses my lips. At the park, at school, at his house, at my house, countless times on a bed, on a sofa, on the floor, in each other's arms. "I love you Neil." Today, over the phone. "Love you."

"Jerry...I'm sorry Jerry...I didn't say it...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...Jerry..."

An hour might pass. A year. My phone rings, but it won't be him. So I just turn it off. No one uses the staircase. Don't they usually, or are they just avoiding it now because they can hear me? The third floor is haunted. A ghost forgotten, hiding in the stairwell. But time still won't stop for me. Always dragging the living forward, not caring who gets left behind. No going back.

Times moves forward.

Viciously fast, sadistically slow.

******************

My arms shift, and it's too stiff to be normal. The rest of my body starts shifting too, all the aches from where the edges of the stairs had been pressing against my body turns to sharp pains as the blood starts rushing back through. My face feels messy. I consider cleaning it in a bathroom for a moment before deciding I don't want to look in a mirror. Instead I unzip my jacket and just dry my face with my shirt.

A very short glance out the window on the fifth floor lets me know the sun has gone down. I wonder about visiting hours. Whatever, I'll just hide in a supply closet or a bathroom or something. No one stares, or avoids staring, so maybe I've managed to calm down.

Ally, Jerry's sister, is in the waiting room now. His mother is blowing her nose, being consoled by his father. Ally sees me, her eyes are glistening.

...Jerry?

"Oh Neil." She walks towards me, arms open for an embrace.

But I can't breathe.

"Jerry?"

Then I think she realizes what I think because she quickly says, "We don't know anything yet Neil."

And then I guess I wasn't as stable as I thought because she's holding me while I cry and I'm holding her while she cries and were both scared that it really might happen.

More time passes. No one tries to kick us out, so I suppose we're all spending the night here. Jerry's father brings us all coffee from the cafeteria, even me. He falls asleep first. Then Ally. It's just me and his mother.

Jerry's mother didn't want her son to be gay. She had probably hoped it would just be a phase. Then he met me. "Final nail in the coffin." Jerry had told me. So she resented me. But she tolerated me too, because Jerry cared about me, and she loved her son. I wanted to apologize to her, for this, for everything. If Jerry had never met me...

It's all your fault.

But all I could make myself say was, "I'm sorry I dropped the phone."

She didn't say anything, just looked at me for a long time. I couldn't make out any expression on her face under the sorrow. Then she closed her eyes and tried to go to sleep.

I wanted to sleep. Then I could wake up and find out this was all a bad dream. But I was scared too. That it would all still be here. So I was the only one awake when a doctor came into the waiting room.

"Are you here for Jerry Saleta?" he asked me. I nodded. "Would you mind waking his parents for me?"

I nudge Ally, then with shaky legs walk over and wake up Mr. Saleta, letting him wake up his wife. At the sight of the doctor all fatigue drains away instantly.

"What's happened? Where's Jerry?" Mrs. Saleta asks almost frantically.

"Your son has become unresponsive. He's stabilized currently, to a degree, but his body does not seem to be reacting to any stimuli."

"What does that mean?" asked Jerry's father.

"Your son is in a coma." His mother makes a sound. I think I do to. "There may be possible brain damage, but we'll need more test to be certain."

I feel my face, my arms and legs grow cold, start to wobble. He says some more stuff, medical jargon probably. Or maybe I don't understand because nothing he's saying anymore makes sense. Jerry's in a coma.

He's not gone, he's not here.

Where is he?

I don't understand.

We can see him, one person at a time. I don't get what that means though. Can we see him? But he's not even here. But he's not gone! He's not. But I don't get where he is. I don't even know if I can break down and cry yet. Or do I cling to knowing his cells are still going. Stress, turns to anger, to fear, depression, panic, over and over every second in no particular order. For some stupid reason I feel entitled to be the one to go first, but no, his mother goes first. Of course. Mothers are supposed to. I don't even deserve to go at all.

Waiting for her to come back is a new kind of hell. I have had so many already, in the past twenty-four hours.

When she comes back fresh tears are falling down her cheeks. Mr. Saleta tells Ally to go next, but she asks if I can go instead. Just for a second I feel that sliver of hope again.

"Are you his brother?" the doctor asks.

"His boyfriend." Ally answers for me, her tone suggesting a readiness to fight for me if the doctor is opposed to that fact. But he does a good job of acting neutral.

"Typically we only allow family members, unless your parents give consent."

She looks to her father, but it's her mother who answers first, surprising both myself and Ally.

"Let Neil go." Caught off-guard, I don't move for a moment. She fixes me with a solid look, but her voice is unsteady. "...He loves you Neil. Maybe if you go, you can call him back to us."

I don't know what to say, so I just let the doctor lead me down a hallway. I don't know what to expect, every nerve on edge, ready to topple over at any moment. Which is pretty much what happens when he leads me into Jerry's room.

There are machines all around him, some moving, some lighting up, and all with wires attached to different parts of his body. But it is his body. I feel the most confusing mixture of relief and grief I could ever remember feeling, each one inseparable from the other. He's here! But look at him! Parts of what I can see of his body are missing fur or covered in bandages. And it was all my fault.

Tears fall freely again, but there's this weird sense of keeping my volume down despite the fact that all I want to do is scream as loud as I can to wake him up. Instead I crumble into a chair next to his bed and reach out a hand to gently rest over his upturned one, careful not to move it lest a wire get moved and the doctor make me leave.

His hand. I wasn't even sure if I'd ever get to touch him again. The feeling is indescribable.

"Jerry..."

But what do you say to someone like this?

"...Why didn't you look both ways before you crossed the street?" I ask him with a wobbly voice.

A knew feeling, anger, red hot, yet subdued by tears. "Why couldn't you've just looked! You could have been fine..." It would have been so easy. So easy for none of this horribleness to have happened. "I could've been fine...you could have been happy..."

I hate him. I hate him so much for doing this to everyone.

For doing this to me.

"Damn you Jerry!"

Nothing. No amount of happiness or joy I could ever remember feeling, even with him, was worth any of this now.

"Why!? "

"Why?"

The doctor comes in, asks if there's something wrong. And the question is just so stupid I even let out a laugh before telling him no sorry, just a little bit longer please. He goes back to waiting by the door, likely keeping a closer eye on me though.

I squeeze his hand lightly. "Please Jerry...please come back."

"I love you Jerry, please, please come back to me."

Nothing I ever had with him. No memory.

"I'm sorry Jerry. I'm sorry...I'm sorry."

None of it was worth it.

"I'm sorry I ever met you."

Nothing was worth a world where Jerry didn't exist. A world where Jerry didn't smile or breathe or go to school or eat or sleep. Not even a world where he had met me. Better that I had never met him at all.

"Please come back to me Jerry." I squeeze his hand. Then again. A pseudo heartbeat "Come on." Squeeze. "Come back Jerry." Squeeze. "Squeeze back." Squeeze. "Please Jerry."

But he doesn't squeeze back.

Sometimes things happen. Sometimes they're bad, horrible. And there isn't a reason for them. There's no lesson to be learned, no one is stronger for them. No purpose, no story plot. Just abrupt ends. The story just stops, only time continuing forward.

Jerry doesn't squeeze back. A day goes by. Then another.

Then a week.

Every day I'm there, squeezing his hand, waiting for him to squeeze back. He doesn't, but I can't let him go.

"Please Jerry."

Squeeze.

"Come back to me."

More days.

"Squeeze back."

But I don't give up.

"Wake up Jerry."

I won't.

"Just squeeze back."

Because I know something.

"Please come back Jerry."

Sometimes.

"I need you."

Sometimes, good things happen too.

"Jerry please."

And sometimes they make the bad things better.

"Squeeze back."

Not always.

"Jerry please come back to me."

But sometimes.

"Jerry please."

The only thing that can make the pain worth it.

"I love you Jerry."

And then it happens.

Jerry squeezes back.

*************************************

And that way my story. Sort of an emotional outlet for me. I'm actually happy with how this came out, especially since due to the nature of it I was incredibly emotionally attached to it. Maybe I won't even cry for a while (in relation to this stuff anyway). Also it was relatively short, which sas an accomplishment for me! Yay!

As always, I pretend to value each and every one of your opinions, comments, and critiques. Faves and stars too, those are never the wrong thing to give.