FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

It's strange. My depression, I mean. I don't think I totally understood it for the grand majority of my life. It just came at some point, unpacked and stuck around. Granted, yes, I've already given you a couple reasons regarding just why I'd want to commit suicide--orphaned and isolated being the big ones--but...like I've said before, people can get over things. I don't have that excuse; I never did get over my depression.

I can try to explain it, but don't expect an essay. It's like this:

When I was around the Low Wastes natives, none of them...connected with me, I suppose the word would be. I mean, sure, it didn't help that they all practically ostracized me for being different--jealous most likely, the assholes--but also, I felt some docile resentment toward them. I simply didn't want to be around them.

And then when I was alone, I'd _really_feel alone. I'd realize that I had no ties with much of anybody and no desire to make any, so I was left in that painful purgatory--what I call "Shitland". Then a weird emotion would rise up in my gut at night and at random intervals during the day and go straight to my head, leaving me dizzy, sick to my stomach and just...longing. For what, I have no fucking clue. The only way to get rid of it was to go to sleep and generally that sleep wasn't kind to me, being riddled with restlessness and headaches and nightmares and such.

Those things sorta snowballed over and over again, and eventually the only thing separating me from the goth label was my pride and sense of fashion.

Eh...but I've rambled on for far too long. By this point you gotta wonder what I was doing now that I had the ol' jar to myself, huh? Home sweet home. Tevassa was gone for the time being which left me with way too much time to inspect her room. Nothing of value or interest at all, sorry. But the best part was that I'd begun to figure a little trick.

Probably around fifteen minutes after she left--yeah, "be right back," right? Bullshit--I just threw myself at one of the glass walls. Don't ask me why, I was desperate and on the verge of insanity. That's when I felt a little shake of my prison, so to speak. With enough force the damn thing would budge!

The movement was minimal, but there was fucking movement. Oh my God, this could be my chance!

"Later Alcatraz...your warden's AWOL."

Yep, I found a way out. A few more body-blows and I'd be quite literally breaking out. I alternated arms to shove with after every attempt, and by the time the edge of the jar drew parallel with the edge of the shelf it stood on I was stark sore. That's when I measured the height, just to be sure; oh man, this was a huge fall. The fall from the counter at the bar from the other night couldn't wave a flag at this.

Shit though, there was one problem...the padding of the floor might prevent the glass from shattering. If I did this drop I'd probably still live. Then I slapped any hesitation right out of my face--I _do_mean literally, and as many times as was necessary. Whether or not I lived didn't mean shit to me right then, because I could still escape and try again later. Getting away from Tevassa was way more important, and I didn't have all the time in the world.

But perhaps I was being a little quixotic for who I was. That must have been so, because I was now being punished for being so uncharacteristic.

I heard a creak from across the room and already I knew what was happening, so I made one final push at the jar, knocking it from its perch. In that second before my cage fell, Tevassa stood at the arch of the door, a bag of things in her hands that she promptly dropped in shock before she burst into a sprint.

"Chinchy!" the rabbit screeched.

Goddamn it. God fucking damn it.

As if my life couldn't have been spat on and rolled around in the dirt enough by this point, it had been 'saved' yet again. Tevassa made the bolt from one end of the room to the other and caught me mid-fall, leaving me to bounce once or twice against the glass wall that had suddenly halted. She held the jar with both her hands now, a snowy wall now blocking the vision to my right and left, while the sight at just before me was elevated to her face, which was a little miffed and a little worried.

"What is wrong with you?! I can't leave for five minutes without you trying to get yourself killed!"

"Actually, it was about twenty. I counted." I spat at the ground. "And what's wrong with you? I would ask where the hell you went, but that would imply I gave enough of a shit. What I really want to know is why you're deciding to devote so much of your time and effort to saving my life when it's not earning any brownie points with me."

She was shocked.

"You're so ungrateful..." she muttered, putting me back on the shelf before retrieving her bags. "See these?" She pulled out the contents of both. One was a container filled with...plant fibers? Hay? Grass? Something like that. The second was a plastic bag with raw fruits like apples and such, with a little white pouch somewhere among them.

"What about them?"

She reached back to my jar and picked me out of it with deft fingers, despite my attempts to avoid them. I would say it was uncomfortable out of spite, but...it wasn't. She knew how to handle me, I just felt ambivalence. It was really strange. Then the softness of her thumb coursed across the top of my head and--here's where it gets weirder--I just felt a little more relaxed.

"Bedding and food," she said. She took a handful of the fibers, or hay, or whatever, and patted them down onto the bottom of the jar, then set the rest of her new belongings at her bedside. "I don't entirely trust you yet, Chinchy. Between trying to kill yourself and...well, trying to kill yourself again, letting you on your own isn't a good idea."

I'll be honest: at least she had the mind to make my jar a little better.

"What?!" I nearly screamed, still in her fist, startling her thumb away. "Why are you doing this to me? Can't you just let me go?"

"I can't let someone go knowing they're just going to die within a couple days. That's...just not fair. And besides, why do you have such a problem with it? I don't understand."

Oh by God that made no sense at all. Why did I have a problem? Why did I have a problem?!

The rabbit sat down on her bed, kicking off her shoes and crossing her legs, dangling a single brown paw over the padded floor. She did the massaging thing with her thumb again, the repeated motion of it stroking my head...and what the hell, it worked again. I calmed down, and perhaps for the better. It wasn't quite like hypnotism or whatever--I just wasn't as willing to react with anger.

Now, really, let me just hold off and just say that this was kinda freaking me out. I guess it was some sort of therapeutic...thing? I'd never heard of it before, though.

That's it--when the time came, which wasn't now, I was gonna get some answers from Tevassa. She knew much more than I did and was hiding it, maybe even inadvertently, that much I could tell. But at the same time, no matter her attempts to chill me out, I still had to protest. I was still mad enough. The time wasn't to ask questions; the time was to speak up.

"Last night was my greatest attempt yet. I've tried roadkill--car, train, you name it--and all sorts of crap, but last night was something nobody had ever seen before. I don't mean that I wanted to stage it, or that I wanted an audience, nothing stupid like that. This was about me, not anybody else!"

Yes, I did just take pride in my originality. Sue me.

"But I--"

"Nobody would have ever guessed what I was going to do. Nobody could stop it this time; it was a flawless plan, I could finally get it done. My common sense was the only thing preventing me from getting crushed by a Cliffsider before." I vaguely felt a warm wet spot appear on one of my cheeks as I balled my hands into fists. "And you still managed to ruin it."

"You're better off living!" she said. "You'll see. This is the problem with chinchillas, really, you just...you just don't know anything about them! You said you haven't grown up with them--that explains it all right there." I was shocked silent for a few seconds. What the hell did she know that I didn't? "But for now, you just have to trust me."

I shook it off. "Don't you get it?" She tried to console me with a finger, but I shoved it away. I wasn't strong enough to push it like that myself; she played the other half of the motion. "No, stop, knock it off!" Oh, yes, my feathered were ruffled, not that that's exactly new.

"What? What's the matter, Chinchy?"

"And stop calling me that! I'm not your pet or your baby, or--or anything that belongs to you! I'm a chinchilla, dammit, and don't you forget it!" Think I sprung a leak, because my pride came flowing right out.

Damn, I'm an arrogant asshole, you say? Well, no kidding! Glad I wasn't the only one to notice.

But I wasn't done. "You want to prolong the shitty life that I have? Why, so I can grow into a bitter, hateful old man with nothing to live for except the death that he tried to accomplish decades ago? Yeah, thanks a lot. Thanks a fucking lot."

There was a bit of guilty silence. The rabbit's soft face loomed over me, contemplating, a little sad, a little regretful, but not enough to have her let me go. And now, looking at that...paragon of genuine care, the face of an apologetic rabbit--it did make me feel a little bad for snapping at her. And damn harshly, too.

"Fine. I'm sorry. But I...I just can't do it." She stood up again and put me back into the jar, my new home. The bedding was softer than it looked, making light crunches with my every step. "I just can't let you go yet."

Fuck it, I thought.

"...Whatever. I'm done." I retreated to the other end of my jar and lay down upon the fresh bedding. So many strange things swirling around in my head...what Tevassa said about chinchillas was the most prominent thing. And what, she acted like she knew better than I did! How could that be even remotely possible?

"I'm just trying to do something nice for you. I want to give you a home and someone to care about--and someone to care about you. Things you clearly didn't have when I met you last night, and from talking to you today it's only made that all the more clear in my mind...Jake."

Goddamn it. She said my name, no more Chinchy. As if my emotions weren't messed up enough already, now I couldn't respond. My heart sank, then rose, then out-and-out capsized because I had no idea what to make of the situation.

I...I needed to know more. I had a few ideas of what was going on, maybe even of what Tevassa's intentions were at heart, but none of them could be cemented. Tevassa left me on my own to think about things, which I think is exactly what I needed at the time. Not like she'd know that.

"Just say if there's something you need."

I didn't respond.

The rabbit laid herself down on her stomach atop her bed, calves and paws suspended over her back as she relaxed. Her long ears flowed down the back of her head, ready to revert her attention to me if necessary while she began reading. Meanwhile, Shitland was calling my name, so I devolved into stroking my tail again.

I absently fingered the bedding, messing around with it and pushing certain fibers away. It was like...my predicament. Pushing away one section just put it somewhere else, leaving this barren hole. I'd always end up somewhere. Suicidal and depressed or under someone else's watch ...I just didn't know what to think. Tevassa treated me kindly enough, I guess, but I still had a strong aversion to where I was.

Ugh. Today was a long day, and nothing was going to happen. Might as well get some sleep. Tomorrow was a new day after all...whatever connotations that might have. Whatever it might mean. For now, I had to push through it. And I had potential plans of my own.

Life is just a game. A game with no rules and no goal. I play it every day, but for no reason. There is nothing but the game--the next move, the next play...and more recently, the next counter. It was time for me to pitch out some plays of my own. Some people play the game to be happy. I play the game to get to the end. To win. To get what _I_want. Some people want to stop me from winning, from getting to the goal that doesn't exist. To them, my goal is not a goal--to them, it's just cheating, it's just me getting to the finish faster than everybody else, and it's just foolish of me to try. But I don't play the game because I can; I play because I don't have a choice.

And that right there cuts the difference between you and me.

****

Let's just say that for a time, there wasn't anything I needed. No Tevassa, thank you very much. And by "a time" I mean as long as I could stall.

First time I grew hungry, thoughts kept brushing past me. Oh sure, I was all for starving myself, but there really were two problems with that. On top of Tevassa being likely to notice my failing health, starving to death is one of the most wretched and painful ways to go. Yeah, I'd be done with it and all that, but...hell, where would that leave me until that point? Literally just a dying husk of what was once pristine, that much I can assure. Not pretty. I'm above that.

Suffice to say I hadn't come to those terms before I ate. It had been a solid ten hours of sleep on top of the time it had been since the last time I had anything to eat. Shit I was hungry. The feeling is like letting your insides tear themselves apart because they don't know what else to do. However, I kept all that to myself, subtly hoping I'd waste away while the rabbit wasn't looking.

It took a bit after I woke up, me playing with my bedding during that time--did I mention how stupidly comfy it was?--but Tevassa approached me when I least expected it. I think it was pretty early the next morning, maybe six or seven.

"You sleep okay?" she asked, looming, nose twitching curiously.

"Mmm." I just didn't feel like reacting with spite or anything harsh, really. While my opinion of Tevassa didn't change, my outlook could for the moment. I did feel a little bad after yesterday. Mostly wanted to end the conversation as soon as possible, though.

"Good. Are you sure you're fine? If there's anything¬--"

"I'm fine." Something seemed off. Not more so than usual--but allow me to explain. Her interactions with me were just...getting creepy. Like for whatever reason, she liked me or cared about me more than she had any right to.

Innocuous? Ha. There was no doubt in my mind that there was a piece still to find.

I'd learn today. And I'd escape today.

"Listen...there's no way you aren't hungry, Jake," she said suddenly. I cursed and retreated to the back of the jar again, vainly hoping I could retreat from her. "Stop that, you need food. Be rational for five minutes."

A hideous noise of revulsion escaped my throat, a growl I hadn't expected was possible from me, at which she rolled her eyes and sighed. She then bent to retrieve one of the bags from yesterday, holding two items in each hand like trying to force me to choose a path of destiny.

"Fruit or seeds, Ch--Jake?" Getting used to not calling me that name of hers must have been hard.

Right after I shrugged and shook my head angrily, knowing fighting would get me nowhere, I took note of the size of the apple. The whole thing was half the height of my jar. A plot began to unfold in my little mind, so I quickly requested the apple.

"A willingness to eat. That's a good sign," Tevassa noted aloud, not really looking at me. She left the room to cut the fruit, ears cordially following the form of her back, then returned with a single piece between her fingers. Though it was still half the height of my glass cell, she didn't think to cut it up any further before gently setting it inside on the far end of the jar.

I asked, that quixotism returning but briefly, "Could I have another?"

Tevassa eyed me. "You finish that one first." Damn, she was smart.

However, that was when a loud, piercing ring filled the house, and she told me to "Enjoy, Jake" just as she left. At first I sat there, miffed, certain she would return soon...but that was not the case.

The time had arrived.

I sprung up, ready. I was left with two options. I could try to escape with this single apple slice by using it as a precarious stepping stool--and hell, it just might work--or I could eat what I had, which would certainly make me feel better. But there was almost no way I'd still be hungry after eating a whole apple slice, and Tevassa was aware of that. That set me at a fork, because I couldn't fill myself then get another to clamber on out. She wouldn't allow it.

Ugh, she really was clever. However, while she certainly knew that I wanted to either escape or die trying--emphasis on the "die" part--she absolutely did not know how relentless I was, for I was angry and depressed and unstoppable in those regards all the same. They fueled me, if that makes any sense.

You can guess what mattered to me more right then. With all the strength I had in my arms, I grabbed the slice of apple like one would an intimate mate and set it slanted toward the top of the jar, at least as much as possible.

At first, the piece of fruit was too slippery to climb. I couldn't resist taking the teeniest of nibbles, but that was all I could justify myself to do in order to retain dignity. Not like I had much left; but I'd cling to it like it was the be-all to my existence.

I waited a minute or two for the moisture to fade--only by a little, of course, I didn't have all the time in the world--then clambered up the loose chunk. At first I attempted straddling the thin side, but then I couldn't get a proper footing on it. That wouldn't work.

I tried another position, turning the slice with the skin facing the inside of the jar. It made a better grip, but the top of the jar was a little bottlenecked; the position of the apple could never be perfect.

I cursed, thinking perhaps this would not work. But as you may well know, I'm a determined little bugger. This wouldn't stop me. I leaped up the piece, hanging on as it rocked left and right over its precarious axis, then shot up into the air toward the neck.

A grip.

I gasped with relief, then felt the apple give way to the force I pushed it with, falling to its side. It was all or nothing now. I pulled with the sole strength of my arms, heart beating faster, muscles giving in to despair, brain telling me to give up--but I refused; I kept pulling until I felt like my skin would rip off, finally managing to use the weakest part of my body to carry the rest of me.

I...I won! I fucking won!

Not caring about anything now that freedom had been achieved, I dove audaciously off the neck, landing on the shelf. My heart was absolutely racing--I was victorious! Son of a bitch, Tevassa, if only you were here to see that! My survival instincts were screaming at me to be more careful--"You could have fallen off the shelf," they said, but I just spat back at them.

That would have to go in the record books, least if I survived long enough to write it all down in my memoir.

I peered down over the edge. Damn, it really was a big drop. I had no idea what would happen, but it's not exactly like I had a choice. And hey, you got something better, you can go right ahead and let me know. Maybe I'd wait for Tevassa to come back so she'd give me a lift down the floor.

Yeah. I like that one.

Needless to say, whether I ended up dead or alive, either one would just about sate me. I jumped from my perch without a second thought, being used to putting myself in harm's way to the point where I didn't have to recompose myself beforehand.

The carpeted ground greeted me with as much cordial friendliness as was capable of a floor. I impacted with a very audible noise, the sound of fur and flesh bouncing against padding, of bones being briefly rattled but unbroken--though the experience was certainly no less painful than you'd expect from such a drop. I sat there for a good two minutes just hoping the pain would ease itself, which it eventually did, but not as quickly as I'd have liked.

Looking around with heightened senses after my recovery, my shamble slowly evolved into a proper walk as I made the door my aim. I found myself in a straight hallway--and at the end, none other than the front door. I began to rush, but screeched to a halt upon hearing things to my right. This hallway split into two arches at both of my sides; the right must have been the living room, and frankly who gives a damn about what was on the left.

My ears perked. Tevassa had a visitor.

"Well, what are you going to do with him?"

There was a pause, during which I discerned Tevassa was shaking her head based on the ready answer she had. I positioned myself closest to the wall, the nearby front door slightly ajar, listening intently. My tail flicked around anxiously as I readied myself to inch away and leave.

"He's a pain, but I think he's beginning to learn control. He wasn't raised around other chinchillas. That's what he said and there's no reason not to believe it, given his attitude. He can also speak Commonspeak."

Suddenly I stopped and repositioned myself back behind the wall. I needed to hear this, maybe just to feed my hatred for her. My pulse hastened just so, as my body was more aware than I was that I was so close to being caught.

"It's crazy," came the other voice, the tone and depth telling of a vixen. Could tell from all the years in the Low Wastes surrounded by them. "I never thought there'd be a chinchilla outside of the menagerie. Do they get like that when they leave?"

My heart quickened further, driving the rushing fluid through my veins. Every single one felt ready to burst; I was beginning to pick up on a few things, and it was killing me. My anger was fading, I felt nearly faint, but, almost falling against the wall, I used my hands to force myself up. I had to listen.

"Kinda," Tevassa said. "They're complicated people. They need to be around each other or they get really bad-tempered and upset. I was originally just going to take him back, but...I guess I got a little selfish."

Another pause, this time the talk being shaded in with a light giggle. "They're really pretty, aren't they?"

"Yeah. They like to hear that, too. It's the attention."

"Oh God..." I whispered. My stomach heaved and I fell to the ground in a weak, helpless bundle. "T-This is so fucked up..."

I slammed my fist against the ground. _No._She was a liar, nobody could enjoy that! I was screaming and raging within the prison of my own mind. Even though I had escaped, I would never be truly free. The most I could do was sit myself up with my back against the wall, tail wistfully nudging itself into my hands like a lost child.

"That's why I took him with me. Figured if he was at that point I could still help him."

The worst was the other's simplistic response as she took a sip from her glass: "Fascinating."

I was defeated. I understood. I was broken.

Now I knew what Tevassa had planned with me at the start. Was it Mary Poppins, you ask? Kidnapper, you inquire again?

Neither and both. Owner.

I needed time to digest this. I had to get the hell out, this was not okay. I took deep breaths, counted to three, then burst into a crazed sprint.

I wasn't sure if I'd been seen and I couldn't hear anything at all due to a mix of adrenaline and sorrow wedging itself into my frontal lobe. I just kept running. And running. I'd left the house, but my feet didn't stop. I needed to get away from everything. Absolutely everything--everything I'd heard, everything I'd seen, everything I'd thought and done.

One thing kept going through my mind, though, even as I ran. It was important--I kept forcing it out of my head as I kept jogging at varied paces with no real direction, but it always returned. I suppose that for now, it doesn't matter, so I'm all sealed up about it.

Later, though...later it certainly did matter.

I dashed past other houses, down sidewalks, across streets of this city--it _wasn't_fucking Cliffside!--with no compass, nothing to shoot for. It was later in the day than I'd expected and there was almost nobody about, for that much I could thank all that is holy. Night was a shroud that protected me that day, and with it I withdrew to the nearest tree after I damn near collapsed from exhaustion.

Now with time to myself...I began to weep. I was beginning to piece some things together, flustered as I was. Tevassa's entire conversation was still ringing around in my skull mockingly like an agitated hornet's nest. It all made some degree of sense, and I didn't have to ask anybody to clarify. The Low Wastes was rightfully named, though not for the reasons I figured. I always thought it was just a crappy place--and admittedly, that's not untrue.

But the place and its inhabitants were much more ignorant to the outside world than I thought, that's what it really was! My parents...they just wanted the best for me. They weren't as irresponsible as the elders said. They just wanted to give me a better life and couldn't afford the tram to Cliffside; they died trying to help.

Because of--or if things were more fucked up than I thought, maybe even factoring toward--the rarity of pure chinchillas, there was a menagerie built to house several of them...most of them. I knew my kind was prized, but not like this!

Was my pride misplaced? What was happening to me? Everything just felt so damn different right then, and yet it wasn't because it was puzzling--oh no, just the opposite, it answered every question I ever had about my kind, even the reason for my depression! It all made sense, and I never would have thought this was possible, but it made too much sense. The bad kind.

You might be thinking "Oh sure, little Chinchy's just jumping to conclusions." Well guess what? You're dead wrong.

There's a reason that I know this. There's a reason why I could figure this out right then. That reason was something that struck me harder than anything ever had before.

My parents weren't travelers. They were escapees.

I...I didn't want to die anymore. I didn't want to keep trying to commit to the same thing over and over again to only be met with failure and humiliation--I wanted something out of all this. I wanted answers, and now that I was beginning to get them, I wanted more. I was going to keep going. I was going to find this menagerie for myself. Why?

Because discovering why I was the way I was happened to be the only thing, the only prospect in life that had ever meant anything to me.